{"file": "audio/story-vault/A289_client-vacuum-has-follow-up-questions.mp3", "duration_sec": 247.8, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 3.34, "text": "I have learned that every cleaning job has two houses."}, {"start": 3.34, "end": 6.2, "text": "There is the house the client describes on the phone."}, {"start": 6.2, "end": 8.76, "text": "Then there is the house that opens the door."}, {"start": 8.76, "end": 10.68, "text": "Those are not the same house."}, {"start": 10.68, "end": 13.76, "text": "On the phone, it is always, Jesse, it is not that bad."}, {"start": 13.76, "end": 15.32, "text": "Just a light clean."}, {"start": 15.32, "end": 18.2, "text": "That sentence should be illegal in California."}, {"start": 18.2, "end": 20.6, "text": "Not that bad is never a description."}, {"start": 20.6, "end": 23.12, "text": "It is a confession with February's on it."}, {"start": 23.12, "end": 25.0, "text": "I run affordable pro cleaners,"}, {"start": 25.0, "end": 27.48, "text": "so I have heard every version of light clean."}, {"start": 27.48, "end": 30.24, "text": "Light clean means the kitchen has opinions."}, {"start": 30.24, "end": 33.88, "text": "Light clean means the bathroom has been through a season finale."}, {"start": 33.88, "end": 37.24, "text": "Light clean means the baseboards are no longer baseboards."}, {"start": 37.24, "end": 39.08, "text": "They are historical records."}, {"start": 39.08, "end": 42.72, "text": "And I am standing there with my red personality trying to look professional."}, {"start": 42.72, "end": 46.36, "text": "But inside I am conducting a crime scene briefing."}, {"start": 46.36, "end": 49.68, "text": "In the four colors system, red is the protector."}, {"start": 49.68, "end": 53.52, "text": "That sounds strong until you put red inside a cleaning business."}, {"start": 53.52, "end": 57.44, "text": "Red does not walk into a house and say, okay, where should we start?"}, {"start": 57.72, "end": 60.64, "text": "Red walks in and says who authorize this sink."}, {"start": 60.64, "end": 62.16, "text": "Green wants a checklist."}, {"start": 62.16, "end": 63.92, "text": "Blue wants to read the client."}, {"start": 63.92, "end": 66.56, "text": "Yellow wants everybody to feel comfortable."}, {"start": 66.56, "end": 69.56, "text": "Red wants the vacuum to testify under oath."}, {"start": 69.56, "end": 72.64, "text": "That is why cleaning is such a perfect business for me."}, {"start": 72.64, "end": 75.16, "text": "It gives my nervous system a uniform."}, {"start": 75.16, "end": 78.44, "text": "I can be intense in people call it customer service."}, {"start": 78.44, "end": 82.24, "text": "If I stare at a microwave in my own kitchen for 20 seconds,"}, {"start": 82.24, "end": 83.44, "text": "I am overthinking."}, {"start": 83.44, "end": 87.88, "text": "If I stare at clients microwave for 20 seconds, I am detail oriented."}, {"start": 87.88, "end": 90.44, "text": "Same problem, better invoice."}, {"start": 90.44, "end": 94.68, "text": "The funniest part is the client always says, do not worry about that one room."}, {"start": 94.68, "end": 96.44, "text": "That room is always the room."}, {"start": 96.44, "end": 97.56, "text": "That is not a room."}, {"start": 97.56, "end": 99.56, "text": "That is where the house keeps its secrets."}, {"start": 99.56, "end": 101.48, "text": "They say just skip the office."}, {"start": 101.48, "end": 103.24, "text": "I say absolutely."}, {"start": 103.24, "end": 108.4, "text": "Then the door is open three inches and I can see one printer, nine Amazon boxes,"}, {"start": 108.4, "end": 112.72, "text": "a treadmill with laundry on it and a chair that has not made eye contact with."}, {"start": 112.72, "end": 115.88, "text": "Since 2019, I am not judging."}, {"start": 115.88, "end": 117.36, "text": "I am in my 50s."}, {"start": 117.36, "end": 120.4, "text": "I have areas of my life that should also be skipped."}, {"start": 120.4, "end": 122.6, "text": "That is why I built bombed app."}, {"start": 122.6, "end": 127.04, "text": "I needed somewhere to put my messy ideas before they became public clutter."}, {"start": 127.04, "end": 129.72, "text": "Bombed app is like a cleaner for jokes."}, {"start": 129.72, "end": 131.92, "text": "It looks at my script and says Jesse."}, {"start": 131.92, "end": 135.6, "text": "This setup has laundry on the treadmill and it is right."}, {"start": 135.6, "end": 137.88, "text": "My jokes come in like client houses."}, {"start": 137.88, "end": 140.76, "text": "I think they need a light clean bombed."}, {"start": 140.76, "end": 141.76, "text": "BOMB says no sir."}, {"start": 141.76, "end": 144.44, "text": "This premise needs a deep clean and a second person."}, {"start": 144.44, "end": 148.76, "text": "That is humbling because I am the guy who tells clients the truth for a living."}, {"start": 148.76, "end": 152.76, "text": "Then an app tells me the truth and suddenly I need emotional padding."}, {"start": 152.76, "end": 155.04, "text": "Bombed app says punch line is weak."}, {"start": 155.04, "end": 156.76, "text": "My red says define weak."}, {"start": 156.76, "end": 159.08, "text": "Bombed app says too much setup."}, {"start": 159.08, "end": 161.76, "text": "My green says technically I have a system."}, {"start": 161.76, "end": 164.84, "text": "My blue says maybe the audience will still like me."}, {"start": 164.84, "end": 167.48, "text": "My yellow says let us make this fun."}, {"start": 167.48, "end": 171.04, "text": "My red says where is the cancel button and who owns this app."}, {"start": 171.04, "end": 175.4, "text": "That is the four colors inside one grown man trying to write a two minute bit while also"}, {"start": 175.4, "end": 177.68, "text": "remembering to buy mop heads."}, {"start": 177.68, "end": 180.88, "text": "And the cleaning business teaches you people are not dirty."}, {"start": 180.88, "end": 182.12, "text": "People are busy."}, {"start": 182.12, "end": 183.56, "text": "People are tired."}, {"start": 183.56, "end": 186.88, "text": "People survive their week and then call me when the house starts winning."}, {"start": 186.88, "end": 190.44, "text": "I respect that because my brain does the same thing."}, {"start": 190.44, "end": 193.24, "text": "I will let a thought sit in the corner for six months."}, {"start": 193.24, "end": 195.68, "text": "Then act shocked when it grows furniture."}, {"start": 195.68, "end": 200.04, "text": "But as colors of my pain right there some messes are not laziness."}, {"start": 200.04, "end": 203.04, "text": "Some messes are old pressure looking for a place to sit."}, {"start": 203.04, "end": 206.0, "text": "But I am still charging for the deep clean."}, {"start": 206.0, "end": 208.76, "text": "Growth is beautiful but supplies are not free."}, {"start": 208.76, "end": 210.48, "text": "That is my life now."}, {"start": 210.48, "end": 215.76, "text": "Cleaning houses building AI tools teaching for colors, turning pain into punch lines and"}, {"start": 215.76, "end": 217.92, "text": "trying to convince bombed."}, {"start": 217.92, "end": 222.6, "text": "Apped that one of these jokes is not a load bearing wall and every time I finish a job"}, {"start": 222.6, "end": 226.36, "text": "I think okay this house is better than when I walked in."}, {"start": 226.36, "end": 227.56, "text": "That is the win."}, {"start": 227.56, "end": 229.72, "text": "Maybe comedy is the same thing."}, {"start": 229.72, "end": 233.6, "text": "You walk into the mess honestly, you find the truth under the pile, you throw away what"}, {"start": 233.6, "end": 234.8, "text": "is not helping."}, {"start": 234.8, "end": 239.84, "text": "And if the vacuum starts making that sound you stop pretending it is fine."}, {"start": 239.84, "end": 245.28, "text": "Because in my experience when the vacuum makes that sound it is not a mechanical issue."}, {"start": 245.28, "end": 247.76, "text": "It is the house asking a follow up question."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nI have learned that every cleaning job has two houses. There is the house the client describes on the phone. Then there is the house that opens the door. Those are not the same house. On the phone, it is always, Jesse, it is not that bad. Just a light clean. That sentence should be illegal in California. Not that bad is never a description. It is a confession with February's on it. I run affordable pro cleaners, so I have heard every version of light clean. Light clean means the kitchen has opinions. Light clean means the bathroom has been through a season finale. Light clean means the baseboards are no longer baseboards. They are historical records. And I am standing there with my red personality trying to look professional. But inside I am conducting a crime scene briefing. In the four colors system, red is the protector. That sounds strong until you put red inside a cleaning business. Red does not walk into a house and say, okay, where should we start? Red walks in and says who authorize this sink. Green wants a checklist. Blue wants to read the client. Yellow wants everybody to feel comfortable. Red wants the vacuum to testify under oath. That is why cleaning is such a perfect business for me. It gives my nervous system a uniform. I can be intense in people call it customer service. If I stare at a microwave in my own kitchen for 20 seconds, I am overthinking. If I stare at clients microwave for 20 seconds, I am detail oriented. Same problem, better invoice. The funniest part is the client always says, do not worry about that one room. That room is always the room. That is not a room. That is where the house keeps its secrets. They say just skip the office. I say absolutely. Then the door is open three inches and I can see one printer, nine Amazon boxes, a treadmill with laundry on it and a chair that has not made eye contact with. Since 2019, I am not judging. I am in my 50s. I have areas of my life that should also be skipped. That is why I built bombed app. I needed somewhere to put my messy ideas before they became public clutter. Bombed app is like a cleaner for jokes. It looks at my script and says Jesse. This setup has laundry on the treadmill and it is right. My jokes come in like client houses. I think they need a light clean bombed. BOMB says no sir. This premise needs a deep clean and a second person. That is humbling because I am the guy who tells clients the truth for a living. Then an app tells me the truth and suddenly I need emotional padding. Bombed app says punch line is weak. My red says define weak. Bombed app says too much setup. My green says technically I have a system. My blue says maybe the audience will still like me. My yellow says let us make this fun. My red says where is the cancel button and who owns this app. That is the four colors inside one grown man trying to write a two minute bit while also remembering to buy mop heads. And the cleaning business teaches you people are not dirty. People are busy. People are tired. People survive their week and then call me when the house starts winning. I respect that because my brain does the same thing. I will let a thought sit in the corner for six months. Then act shocked when it grows furniture. But as colors of my pain right there some messes are not laziness. Some messes are old pressure looking for a place to sit. But I am still charging for the deep clean. Growth is beautiful but supplies are not free. That is my life now. Cleaning houses building AI tools teaching for colors, turning pain into punch lines and trying to convince bombed. Apped that one of these jokes is not a load bearing wall and every time I finish a job I think okay this house is better than when I walked in. That is the win. Maybe comedy is the same thing. You walk into the mess honestly, you find the truth under the pile, you throw away what is not helping. And if the vacuum starts making that sound you stop pretending it is fine. Because in my experience when the vacuum makes that sound it is not a mechanical issue. It is the house asking a follow up question.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}