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2026-09-04-fictional-ex-stoner-roster-private-audition

[00000.00-00004.12] My exes weren't red flags. They were a full dispensary menu.
[00004.48-00009.12] I kept dating women like I was ordering weed, great packaging, no quality control.
[00009.32-00012.52] And somehow I'm surprised when the relationship makes me paranoid.
[00013.20-00015.92] You called me glamorous because I wore designer clothes.
[00016.44-00020.12] I was not glamorous. I was your probation officer with lip gloss.
[00020.32-00024.52] I asked what strain you bought, how much you spent and why your five year plan
[00024.52-00026.60] had the word snacks in it.
[00026.60-00033.08] She didn't ask if I smoked, she asked for my dosage, my strain, and my financial goals.
[00033.08-00035.32] I said, ma'am, I'm high right now.
[00035.32-00037.84] I don't even have a two minute plan.
[00037.84-00040.84] You said you wanted a woman who could handle your life.
[00040.84-00042.40] I handled it.
[00042.40-00049.36] I found three unpaid bills, two fake business plans, and one edible, labeled strong.
[00049.36-00051.16] That label was not a warning.
[00051.16-00054.00] That was a fucking autobiography.
[00054.00-00055.80] Then there was the big-hearted one.
[00055.80-00060.86] beautiful, loud, affectionate. The kind of woman who could turn a grocery run into a catered
[00060.86-00066.86] event. She said she needed room to feel safe. I said, baby, I drive a Tesla. The car has
[00066.86-00070.50] room. The relationship has a fucking weight limit.
[00070.50-00076.24] You weren't ready for my appetite or my feelings. You brought one bag of chips to a weekend
[00076.24-00081.62] together like you were feeding a hostage. She ate my emergency snacks, then apologized
[00081.62-00087.62] by ordering more snacks. That was the healthiest relationship I've ever had. We didn't communicate.
[00087.62-00089.62] We replenished inventory.
[00089.62-00095.44] I told you I wanted a man with inner peace. You heard inner peace and spent four hours
[00095.44-00099.10] explaining to my room about why we needed to communicate better.
[00099.10-00103.74] That edible had me hiding in her pantry like a haunted side dish. The room be left before
[00103.74-00107.26] I did. Honestly, that machine had boundaries.
[00107.26-00109.86] You kept saying each woman was different.
[00109.86-00112.86] They were different strains of the same mistake.
[00112.86-00116.34] And every one of them deserved better snacks.
[00116.34-00118.78] Especially the Roomba.
[00118.78-00121.82] The last one checked my glove box and found three lighters.
[00121.82-00124.10] She said, why three?
[00124.10-00129.98] I said, one is for smoking, one is back up, and one is emotionally unavailable.
[00129.98-00131.66] That's dating after 50.
[00131.66-00136.22] Four fictional X's, three lighters, two missing snacks, and one man still waiting for
[00136.22-00139.70] the edible to explain what the fuck he just agreed to.
[00139.70-00141.22] I didn't need a soulmate.
[00141.22-00143.86] I needed a responsible adult to take my keys.