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2026-09-03-sitcom-ep01

[00000.00-00004.12] This is comedy, laughs and giggles, rise of the comic, bomb dap.
[00004.12-00010.96] This is the sitcom, I'm the star, I'm the problem, shit mightest, I try, it turns to shit, I lose money,
[00010.96-00014.64] I take the wrong girl home, every scene, last line is mine.
[00015.20-00021.92] This next one is fake. Jesse rented a storage unit and called it a sound stage, paid cash.
[00022.44-00025.28] Bought a folding chair and named it Kraft services.
[00025.28-00031.28] A woman walked by looking for a mattress. He said that's my audience. Took her home.
[00031.28-00039.28] Wrong girl. She came for foam, left with his extension cord. The unit still built him for the month.
[00039.28-00045.28] That's not a studio. That's a man who paid rent, so a stranger could steal electricity.
[00045.28-00054.28] He still named the unit Studio A. The lock did not clap. He tried to launch a show. He launched a bill. Fuck the cord.
[00054.28-00057.00] It got more action than he did.
[00057.00-00058.40] The chair stayed employed.
[00058.40-00059.88] I got laid off.
[00059.88-00061.40] That's the open.
[00061.40-00063.24] This next one is fake.
[00063.24-00066.36] Jesse held a table red at a gas station booth.
[00066.36-00069.88] Pay for everybody's snacks, called it crafty.
[00069.88-00072.68] Liam read stage directions of an napkin.
[00072.68-00075.52] A woman at the pump told it was a meeting.
[00075.52-00077.64] Jesse said that's my network.
[00077.64-00078.96] Took her home.
[00078.96-00079.96] Wrong girl.
[00079.96-00081.56] She wanted unleaded.
[00081.56-00083.32] He paid for premium.
[00083.32-00086.20] She left with the receipt and his lighter.
[00086.20-00087.76] That's not a table read.
[00087.76-00091.64] That's a man workshopping a sitcom to a Nacho Cheese machine.
[00091.64-00094.04] He still left a tip on the pump.
[00094.04-00096.44] That's a man paying a hose for notes.
[00096.44-00098.16] He tried to get notes.
[00098.16-00099.76] He got a gas bill.
[00099.76-00101.00] Fuck the snack.
[00101.00-00102.80] It finished the scene.
[00102.80-00104.24] The napkin had better timing.
[00104.24-00105.28] Sit down.
[00105.28-00107.00] This next one is fake.
[00107.00-00112.36] Jesse tried to cut a theme song on a karaoke machine in a bar that was already closed.
[00112.36-00117.88] it singles like it was a producer. The machine sang his name wrong. He said that's branding.
[00117.88-00123.44] A bartender leftover was locking up. He took her home. Wrong girl. She wanted the alarm
[00123.44-00129.68] code. He paid the tab for a room that was empty. The karaoke still owes him a chorus.
[00129.68-00134.44] That's not a title sequence. That's a man dating a machine that only takes. He still
[00134.44-00140.52] hummed the wrong name on the drive home. That's a man whose chorus has a spending problem.
[00140.52-00141.96] He tried to get a hook.
[00141.96-00144.00] He got a debit.
[00144.00-00145.80] Fuck the singles.
[00145.80-00147.24] They sang without him.
[00147.24-00148.36] I don't need a hook.
[00148.36-00150.16] I need the last line.
[00150.16-00152.28] This next one is fake.
[00152.28-00155.72] Jesse bought a used laugh track on a disc that skipped.
[00155.72-00157.80] Every punch got a cough.
[00157.80-00160.44] He said, that's my live audience.
[00160.44-00162.40] Played it in the car.
[00162.40-00165.56] A woman in the next lane thought he was dying.
[00165.56-00167.44] He took her home.
[00167.44-00169.20] Wrong girl.
[00169.20-00171.28] She wanted directions.
[00171.28-00173.84] He paid for a map he already had.
[00173.84-00176.84] The disc skipped on the word forever.
[00177.96-00180.20] That's not a sitcom.
[00180.20-00183.12] That's a man who bought dead people laughing at him
[00183.12-00185.00] and still didn't get the joke.
[00185.00-00187.56] He still turned it up at a light like a premiere.
[00187.56-00189.52] That's a man premiering to traffic.
[00189.52-00191.12] He tried to rent a crowd.
[00191.12-00192.60] He rented a cough,
[00192.60-00195.24] fuck the disc, and knew the joke.
[00195.24-00196.36] The cough stayed.
[00196.36-00198.24] That's more honest than you.
[00198.24-00200.24] This next one is fake.
[00200.24-00203.24] Jesse pitched a sponsor in a car wash.
[00203.24-00208.24] Said, Rise of the comic, Bomb.app, filthy, forever.
[00208.24-00210.24] The attendant wanted the vacuum token.
[00210.24-00213.24] Jesse gave him five dollars and a speech.
[00213.24-00215.24] A woman drying a bumper smiled.
[00215.24-00216.24] He took her home.
[00216.24-00217.24] Wrong girl.
[00217.24-00218.24] She wanted a towel.
[00218.24-00221.24] He paid for the wash and the detailing.
[00221.24-00222.24] His car came out wetter.
[00222.24-00224.24] That's not a brand deal.
[00224.24-00227.24] That's a man who bought a shine so he could lose a towel.
[00227.24-00229.28] Oh, he still left a review.
[00229.28-00231.68] Five stars, I got wet.
[00231.68-00232.84] That's not marketing.
[00232.84-00234.52] That's a confession.
[00234.52-00235.96] He tried to get paid.
[00235.96-00236.96] He paid.
[00236.96-00238.20] Fuck the vacuum token.
[00238.20-00239.76] It had a better agent.
[00239.76-00240.96] I don't get sponsored.
[00240.96-00242.20] I get hosed.
[00242.20-00243.56] That's the beat.
[00243.56-00245.84] This next one is fake.
[00245.84-00250.00] Jesse cast a love interest from a missed call called back.
[00250.00-00253.60] Got a voicemail that said leave a message at the beep.
[00253.60-00257.16] He left a scene paid for extra minutes like it was chemistry.
[00257.16-00260.86] The voicemail did not come over.
[00260.86-00263.56] A woman at the next table let him talk.
[00263.56-00265.16] He took her home.
[00265.16-00266.76] Wrong girl.
[00266.76-00268.96] She was waiting on a different beep.
[00268.96-00271.36] He still ordered dessert for two.
[00271.36-00273.16] Eight both.
[00273.16-00274.66] That's not a will they.
[00274.66-00277.46] That's a man in a relationship with a tone.
[00277.46-00280.16] He still saved the voicemail like a pilot.
[00280.16-00282.16] That's a man green light and a beep.
[00282.16-00283.66] He tried to get a girl.
[00283.66-00285.66] He got a bill and a spoon.
[00285.66-00286.66] Fuck dessert.
[00286.66-00288.30] It came in a pair.
[00288.30-00289.62] The beep didn't ghost.
[00289.62-00291.06] It never dated me.
[00291.06-00292.50] That's the difference.
[00292.50-00294.38] This next one is fake.
[00294.38-00298.46] Jesse shot a finale in a parking lot with his phone.
[00298.46-00300.38] Payed a guy to hold the light.
[00300.38-00303.02] The light was a flashlight from the dollar aisle.
[00303.02-00305.78] A woman asked if they were filming a crash.
[00305.78-00307.74] He said that's my cliffhanger.
[00307.74-00308.78] Took her home.
[00308.78-00310.26] Wrong girl.
[00310.26-00311.82] She wanted a statement.
[00311.82-00314.34] He paid for coffee and a lie.
[00314.34-00316.58] The phone died in the second act.
[00316.58-00326.38] That's not a season. That's a man who can't afford a battery. So he calls it art. He tried to live forever on bombed dot app. The app stayed.
[00327.58-00337.28] The girl left the money left first. He still wrote season two on a parking ticket. Fuck the flashlight. It held.
[00346.58-00352.88] bought a cough, Max got hosed, gruff dated a beep, Anthony shot a dead phone. I tried.
[00352.88-00358.28] It turned to shit. I lost money. I took the wrong girl home every scene. If you made
[00358.28-00363.76] me laugh, you live forever. If you didn't, you're dead on paper. Rise of the comic.
[00363.76-00367.00] I still mop. Last line is mine, motherfuckers.