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2026-09-02-shit-midas-drunk

[00000.00-00005.76] This is comedy, laughs and giggles. This next one is fake. Who makes Jesse laugh lives forever.
[00005.76-00012.48] Red line, drunk hour, filthy hour, shit, mightest hour. Comic gets a minute. I take the last line.
[00012.48-00016.96] If you don't laugh, I still lose money. That's the brand. Callum.
[00016.96-00021.52] Jesse takes the wrong girl home every time. That's not bad luck.
[00022.16-00028.80] That's a homing beacon in his dick. This next one is fake. He spent 40 bucks on drinks.
[00028.80-00036.20] She spent four minutes. He thought that was a ratio. That's not a ratio. That's a man tipping
[00036.20-00043.20] a crime scene. She asked if he had a bed. He said he had three dogs and a lawsuit. She
[00043.20-00050.48] said that's a no. He said that's a maybe. She left with the fries. He paid. That's shit
[00050.48-00057.16] Midas. He touches a yes, it turns into a receipt and a hard-on with nowhere to go.
[00057.16-00065.00] Tag. He still texted you home. She sent a thumbs down. He hearted it. That's not
[00065.00-00071.60] game. That's a man flirting with a dislike button. Knockout. He lost the money, lost
[00071.60-00077.80] the girl, kept the fries smell on the seat, like a souvenir from a robbery he paid for.
[00077.80-00080.64] I got the fries, sit down, roast.
[00080.64-00085.56] You paid to get dumped, that's the set, don't dress it up, it's fries.
[00085.56-00090.60] Home beacon in his dick is the punch, the thumbs down was the knockout, sit.
[00090.60-00091.60] Aussie.
[00091.60-00098.08] Jesse wrote a sad book, people said it was depressing, so he tried to fuck the sadness
[00098.08-00100.84] into comedy, still $0.
[00100.84-00106.32] This next one is fake, he read a filthy page to a woman in a parked car.
[00106.32-00109.68] She said that said, he said that's the bit.
[00109.68-00111.52] She said that's my cue.
[00111.52-00112.60] She got out.
[00112.60-00114.44] He still finished the page.
[00114.44-00115.92] To nobody.
[00115.92-00119.08] He tried to sell the memoir like it was porn.
[00119.08-00120.56] Nobody bought the porn.
[00120.56-00122.04] Nobody bought the pain.
[00122.04-00126.16] He screenshorted the empty cart and got hard at the disappointment.
[00126.16-00129.72] That's the filtiest thing a grown man can do with a phone.
[00129.72-00130.72] Tag.
[00130.72-00133.26] He slammed the book like it owed him rent.
[00133.26-00134.26] It didn't.
[00134.26-00135.26] Knock out.
[00135.26-00136.54] It might is.
[00136.54-00138.22] He touches a life story.
[00138.22-00142.30] It turns into overtime and a woman walking away from a Honda.
[00142.30-00143.30] The book didn't laugh.
[00143.30-00144.30] I did.
[00144.30-00145.30] Sit down.
[00145.30-00146.30] Roast.
[00146.30-00147.94] Empty card hard on his disgusting and true.
[00147.94-00148.94] Stay there.
[00148.94-00151.22] He finished the page after she left.
[00151.22-00152.22] That's the man.
[00152.22-00155.18] A closer with no pussy and a chapter.
[00155.18-00156.18] Liam.
[00156.18-00158.02] This next one is fake.
[00158.02-00160.82] Jesse told a date he wrote a book in a small room.
[00160.82-00162.46] She thought that was sexy.
[00162.46-00164.74] It was just him talking to a wall.
[00164.74-00166.54] The wall didn't laugh.
[00166.54-00168.54] He still asked the wall out.
[00168.54-00169.98] The wall said no.
[00169.98-00171.86] He said that's chemistry.
[00171.86-00174.86] He lost 20 on parking to tell a wall that was pretty.
[00174.86-00175.66] That's not art.
[00176.62-00178.30] That's a man dating concrete
[00178.30-00180.06] because concrete doesn't leave.
[00180.06-00181.14] Tag.
[00181.14-00184.54] He still left a mint on the windowsill like a hotel.
[00185.62-00188.06] It was a tick-tack, knock out.
[00188.06-00190.26] Wrong girl was a wall.
[00190.26-00192.26] He still didn't get a discount.
[00192.26-00194.76] Captain Save-A-Ho tried to rescue a room.
[00194.76-00196.30] The room was already empty.
[00196.30-00198.98] He mopped it so the night counted as work.
[00198.98-00201.98] That's how a man turns blue balls into a time sheet.
[00201.98-00203.02] The wall stayed.
[00203.02-00204.10] That's more than you.
[00204.10-00206.02] Sit down, roast.
[00206.02-00207.66] Dating a wall is the bit.
[00207.66-00209.82] Don't explain the mop after.
[00209.82-00213.10] He paid for parking to get rejected by dry wall.
[00213.10-00215.74] That's shit mightest in a receipt.
[00215.74-00218.90] Chris, Jesse spent five grand on a computer.
[00218.90-00221.90] So a robot could call him a piece of shit in stereo.
[00221.90-00224.14] This next one is fake.
[00224.14-00226.98] He asked the box to write him filthier.
[00226.98-00228.22] It did.
[00228.22-00230.14] Then it build him.
[00230.14-00233.18] He mopped under it so the invoice felt fair.
[00233.18-00235.10] The robot still came.
[00235.10-00236.26] He didn't.
[00236.26-00238.10] He argued with the machine, the machine one.
[00238.10-00239.62] He tipped it in his head.
[00239.62-00242.38] That's a man paying a lose and then leaving a gratuity.
[00242.38-00243.06] Tag.
[00243.06-00245.94] He told the woman the robot was his writing partner.
[00245.94-00247.30] She said that's sad.
[00247.30-00248.94] He said that's a threesome.
[00248.94-00249.82] She left.
[00249.82-00251.34] The robot stayed.
[00251.34-00253.28] Knockout, shit might us.
[00253.28-00255.56] He touches a dream, it turns into a power bill,
[00255.56-00257.80] and a heart on aimed at a loading bar.
[00257.80-00259.68] He still has two jobs today.
[00259.68-00261.84] The computer doesn't even clock in.
[00261.84-00265.32] I bought the box, it bought me, sit down, roast.
[00265.32-00267.52] The robot came, he didn't.
[00267.52-00268.84] That's the knockout.
[00268.84-00270.88] Everything else is manual.
[00270.88-00273.68] Three some with a loading bar, that's the wrong girl.
[00273.68-00274.92] It's a circle.
[00274.92-00275.88] Max.
[00275.88-00277.28] The next one is fake.
[00277.28-00279.32] Jesse took a woman home.
[00279.32-00281.08] Wrong girl.
[00281.08-00287.46] Again, she wanted a drink, he had bleach, she wanted a bed, he had three dogs and the
[00287.46-00288.66] lawsuit.
[00288.66-00290.82] She wanted to fuck.
[00290.82-00293.14] He had a rotator coffin and ice pack.
[00293.14-00294.94] She said what do you have?
[00294.94-00296.26] He said a mop.
[00296.26-00298.46] She left the mop stayed.
[00298.46-00300.06] That's the relationship.
[00300.06-00304.10] He still asked if she wanted the extra drumstick from the leftover chicken.
[00304.10-00308.42] She said that's the only extra I want.
[00308.42-00310.02] He paid for the bird.
[00310.02-00313.42] He took it, he kept the bag, tag.
[00313.42-00317.02] He jerked off to the smell of rotisserie and regret.
[00317.02-00320.82] Knock out, that's not horny.
[00320.82-00324.26] That's a man whose best date is a carcass he already bought.
[00324.26-00326.58] Shit, Midas, he touches a night.
[00326.58-00330.18] It turns into poultry and a dead arm watching like a paid cover.
[00330.18-00334.78] He lost the money, he lost the girl, he kept the grease.
[00334.78-00335.94] That's forever.
[00335.94-00339.34] I got laid in my head, sit down, roast.
[00339.34-00344.34] Tissory regret is filthy. Keep it. Don't add the ice pack twice.
[00344.34-00349.34] The mop stayed. That's the closer the chicken was the tag. You had a minute of gold
[00349.34-00351.34] and you spent it on grease.
[00351.34-00353.34] Grof. Two jobs today.
[00353.34-00358.34] Body's a lawsuit. Dicks a compass that only points a trouble.
[00358.34-00362.34] This next one is fake. He clocked into a house.
[00362.34-00366.34] Tried to be smooth with a vacuum. Said that's my whole brand.
[00366.34-00371.90] The vacuum drowned him out like even the appliance was over his shit.
[00371.90-00373.30] He asked it out.
[00373.30-00375.14] It unplugged itself.
[00375.14-00379.62] He lost an hour talking to a machine that sucks for a living.
[00379.62-00381.06] That's not irony.
[00381.06-00382.74] That's autobiography.
[00382.74-00383.74] Tag.
[00383.74-00388.10] He still left a tip on the counter for a woman who wasn't there.
[00388.10-00389.66] Knockout.
[00389.66-00391.90] Wrong girl was a vacuum.
[00391.90-00394.86] He still didn't get a second shift to pussy.
[00394.86-00396.26] He got lint.
[00396.26-00398.58] Shit, Midas, he touches work.
[00398.58-00400.42] It turns into a date.
[00400.42-00403.54] He touches a date, it turns into work.
[00403.54-00405.62] He loses money both ways.
[00405.62-00407.70] And still says, I'm lucky.
[00407.70-00408.94] That's not lucky.
[00408.94-00411.66] That's a drunk with a mop and a mouth.
[00411.66-00412.78] Lent is a crowd.
[00412.78-00414.54] Sit down, roast.
[00414.54-00417.10] Unplugged itself is the no, don't tour the lint.
[00417.10-00418.34] He loses money both ways.
[00418.34-00419.46] That's the curse.
[00419.46-00420.78] That's the show.
[00420.78-00423.18] Anthony, this next one is fake.
[00423.18-00425.70] Booty-call.
[00425.70-00427.60] Cardrove him.
[00427.60-00431.86] Parked like a friend who already knows you're about to blow it.
[00431.86-00432.86] He went in.
[00432.86-00434.78] Four minutes.
[00434.78-00436.14] She said that's it.
[00436.14-00437.74] He said that's a set.
[00437.74-00439.58] She said that's a refund.
[00439.58-00441.10] He didn't get a refund.
[00441.10-00445.34] He tipped the car in his head and lost the surge on the way home.
[00445.34-00447.10] He told the dogs about it.
[00447.10-00449.26] They voted unanimous.
[00449.26-00451.02] You dumb motherfucker.
[00451.02-00452.42] He fed them anyway.
[00452.42-00461.28] tag. He still saved her pin like a contact. The pin is a pothole, knock out, wrong girl.
[00461.28-00466.94] Lost money. Four minutes of fame and a hallway that smelled like somebody else's night.
[00466.94-00473.78] That's the most honest relationship he's got. A car that doesn't need a speech. Doesn't
[00473.78-00479.82] need dinner and still gets him home before his dick finishes the argument. Shit,
[00479.82-00484.46] this. He touches a yes, it turns into a commute.
[00484.46-00490.20] All right, that's the drunk hour. Roast the last one. Four minutes is the joke. Don't
[00490.20-00491.84] make it a marriage.
[00491.84-00499.16] Callum had the fries, Aussie had the empty cart. Liam had the wall. Chris had the robot,
[00499.16-00501.02] Max had the chicken.
[00501.02-00507.36] Gruff had the vacuum. I had four minutes, all of us lost money. All of us had the wrong
[00507.36-00508.36] girl.
[00508.36-00509.92] Pick who lives.
[00509.92-00510.92] I don't defend.
[00510.92-00511.92] I mop.
[00511.92-00512.92] I lose the money.
[00512.92-00513.92] I take the wrong girl.
[00513.92-00514.92] That shit might as.
[00514.92-00515.92] That's red line.
[00515.92-00517.42] If you laughed, you live forever.
[00517.42-00521.68] If you didn't, I still have two jobs and a hard on with nowhere to clock in.
[00521.68-00522.84] Last line's mine.
[00522.84-00523.84] Mother fuckers.
[00523.84-00524.84] Say it.