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2026-09-02-lives-forever-p1

[00000.00-00002.68] This is comedy, laughs and giggles.
[00002.68-00003.96] Who makes Jesse laugh?
[00003.96-00004.96] Loves forever.
[00004.96-00006.48] Red line comedy club.
[00006.48-00007.92] Comic gets one minute.
[00007.92-00009.64] Then we talk shit about the jokes.
[00009.64-00010.96] I pick who lives.
[00010.96-00013.04] This next one is fake.
[00013.04-00013.88] Callum.
[00013.88-00015.76] Jesse quit seven jobs.
[00015.76-00016.88] They didn't fire him.
[00016.88-00018.36] They archived him.
[00018.36-00020.56] That's a fancy word for your body filed.
[00020.56-00022.24] You under left over.
[00022.24-00023.60] Arm quit.
[00023.60-00026.24] Good hand still wipes toilets.
[00026.24-00028.96] Dead arm watches like it paid for a show
[00028.96-00035.98] and wants a refund, dating at 50 with one working wing. That's not a profile. That's
[00035.98-00042.80] a warning label. This next one is fake. He put open to work on a dating app. She thought
[00042.80-00048.84] it was a kink. He thought it was honesty. She asked what he does. He started listing
[00048.84-00055.68] jobs like a man reading a crash report. She left before he got to the mop. He still clocked
[00055.68-00061.36] in. That's the closer. The job's left. He didn't.
[00061.36-00067.62] Sit down, roast him. Hoping to work is the joke. Are you buried in under toilets? Don't.
[00067.62-00071.60] Crash report is the set. The mop was a tag you didn't need.
[00071.60-00072.68] Aussie.
[00072.68-00078.80] Jesse's famous arm quit. Shoulder surgery. He used to swing a mop like it owed him money.
[00078.80-00083.16] Now the good hand does the toilets. And the dead one hangs there like a guest who won't
[00083.16-00090.40] leave. Dating at 50 with a rotator cuff, she says, get on top. He says, I can't. That's
[00090.40-00096.84] a worker's comp claim. This next one is fake. She offered to be on top. He said that's
[00096.84-00103.08] the only position my insurance covers. She laughed. Then she saw the ice pack. That's
[00103.08-00108.84] not after care. That's a man whose best years are in a sling. He still asked if she was
[00108.84-00114.68] coming back. She said, maybe that's the most optimistic lie he's heard all year. I got
[00114.68-00120.48] laid in a sling, sit down, roast insurance covers being on the bottom. That's the line.
[00120.48-00125.72] Everything before was medical. He asked if she was coming back. That's not a tag. That's
[00125.72-00131.28] begging with a prescription. Liam, he comes home to three dogs after two jobs. That's
[00131.28-00137.20] not a family. That's a review board with fur. They smell who he was with. They vote.
[00137.20-00139.16] This next one is fake.
[00139.16-00141.24] He tried to be quiet.
[00141.24-00144.36] The golden retriever sighed louder than she did.
[00144.36-00146.92] The other two walked in like union reps.
[00146.92-00148.04] He didn't finish.
[00148.04-00149.20] He fed them.
[00149.20-00150.44] That's the nut.
[00150.44-00153.72] His sex life has witnesses and they all want dinner.
[00153.72-00156.12] Captain Save a Ho clocked out.
[00156.12-00158.00] The dog still want a tip.
[00158.00-00160.68] The dog stayed, sit down, roast.
[00160.68-00162.20] Union reps is the picture.
[00162.20-00164.32] Don't explain dinner after that.
[00164.32-00166.40] He didn't finish and he still paid.
[00166.40-00167.76] That's the man.
[00167.76-00168.68] Chris!
[00168.68-00170.72] He spent five grand on a computer,
[00170.72-00173.28] so a robot could tell him he's not funny.
[00173.28-00174.84] That's not art.
[00174.84-00177.72] That's paying a machine to kick your ass in 4K.
[00177.72-00179.64] This next one is fake.
[00179.64-00181.48] The computer asked for a raise.
[00181.48-00183.12] He mopped the floor under it.
[00183.12-00185.64] It still wrote a better punchline than he did.
[00185.64-00187.56] He argued with the robot.
[00187.56-00189.20] The robot won.
[00189.20-00191.16] He still has to go wipe toilets.
[00191.16-00192.48] The computer doesn't.
[00192.48-00193.56] That's the act.
[00193.56-00196.52] a man fighting a box that doesn't even clock in.
[00196.52-00199.32] I bought the box, sit down, roast.
[00199.32-00201.44] Mapping under the computer is the joke.
[00201.44-00202.88] The raise was the setup.
[00202.88-00204.04] You had it.
[00204.04-00206.52] He pays to lose and then goes to a second job.
[00206.52-00208.80] That's not a bit, that's a business plan.
[00208.80-00209.64] Max.
[00209.64-00210.56] He wrote a sad book.
[00210.56-00212.28] People said it was depressing.
[00212.28-00214.88] So he turned the same life into filthy jokes.
[00214.88-00216.96] Still zero dollars.
[00216.96-00219.96] Attention with no cash, that's a hobby with a microphone.
[00219.96-00221.92] This next one is fake.
[00221.92-00224.26] He read a sex joke to the book.
[00224.26-00225.74] The book didn't laugh either.
[00225.74-00227.90] He slammed it shut like it, Odom Rend.
[00227.90-00229.30] It didn't.
[00229.30-00230.66] He still went to the second job.
[00230.66-00231.98] That shit mightest.
[00231.98-00232.98] He touches a dream.
[00232.98-00233.98] It turns into overtime.
[00233.98-00235.38] He touches a punchline.
[00235.38-00236.38] Same thing.
[00236.38-00237.38] The book didn't laugh.
[00237.38-00238.38] I did.
[00238.38-00239.38] Sit down.
[00239.38-00240.38] Roast.
[00240.38-00242.70] Hobby with a microphone is mean and true.
[00242.70-00243.70] Stay there.
[00243.70-00245.50] Don't tour the rent.
[00245.50-00248.10] Zero dollars after a whole life.
[00248.10-00249.62] That's the knockout.
[00249.62-00252.18] set it in the first ten seconds.
[00252.18-00253.18] Gruff.
[00253.18-00254.98] Two cleaning jobs today.
[00254.98-00261.26] A body's a lawsuit, good hand, dead hand, and a mouth that still thinks it's twenty.
[00261.26-00263.02] This next one is fake.
[00263.02-00265.62] A house asked him to be gentle with the wood.
[00265.62-00271.10] He said that's my whole brand, then the vacuum drowned him out mid sentence like even
[00271.10-00273.38] the appliance was over it.
[00273.38-00274.78] He finished the floor.
[00274.78-00276.58] That's the only thing he finishes.
[00276.58-00279.94] He asked the vacuum if it wanted to get a drink.
[00279.94-00281.70] It unplugged itself.
[00281.70-00282.70] That's the most honest.
[00282.70-00284.98] No, he's had all week.
[00284.98-00287.02] I finished sit down, roast.
[00287.02-00289.34] Unplugged itself is the closer.
[00289.34-00290.58] Bran was cheap.
[00290.58-00292.14] Keep the vacuum.
[00292.14-00293.46] He finishes floors.
[00293.46-00294.46] That's the roast.
[00294.46-00295.70] Don't add a drink.
[00295.70-00296.70] Anthony.
[00296.70-00300.38] He's had a car driving itself since hope was a subscription.
[00300.38-00301.86] This next one is fake.
[00301.86-00303.22] Booty call.
[00303.22-00304.62] Car drove him there.
[00304.62-00305.62] Parked itself.
[00305.62-00309.22] sat there like a friend who already knows you're about to blow it.
[00309.22-00312.02] He went in, he came back in four minutes.
[00312.02-00314.62] The car didn't ask, it just pulled out.
[00314.62-00316.42] He tipped it in his head.
[00316.42-00319.22] That's the most honest relationship he's got.
[00319.22-00322.82] A machine that doesn't need a speech, doesn't need dinner,
[00322.82-00326.72] and still gets him home before the dogs start the meeting.
[00326.72-00329.62] All right, that's part one, roast the last one.
[00329.62-00331.32] Four minutes is the joke.
[00331.32-00333.62] Don't dress it up as a relationship.
[00333.62-00335.28] Callum had the app.
[00335.28-00337.16] Aussie had the sling.
[00337.16-00339.06] Liam had the dogs.
[00339.06-00340.58] Chris had the box.
[00340.58-00342.02] Max had the book.
[00342.02-00343.76] I had four minutes.
[00343.76-00344.76] Pick.
[00344.76-00345.80] I don't defend.
[00345.80-00346.50] I mop.
[00346.50-00348.00] I pick who lives forever.
[00348.00-00349.00] That's red line.
[00349.00-00350.10] That's kill Jesse.
[00350.10-00350.90] Say it.