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2026-09-01-openmic-night

[00000.00-00002.12] This is comedy, laughs and giggles.
[00002.12-00004.00] Kill Jesse, open mic night.
[00004.00-00005.76] This next one is fake.
[00005.76-00006.84] Comic gets a minute.
[00006.84-00008.60] Then we talk shit about the jokes.
[00008.60-00010.32] I pick who comes back.
[00010.32-00011.20] Callum.
[00011.20-00012.84] Jesse is 50.
[00012.84-00014.48] Third job today.
[00014.48-00016.24] Body's a lawsuit.
[00016.24-00020.72] He comes home to three dogs and calls that a dating life.
[00020.72-00022.28] That's not Tinder.
[00022.28-00024.60] That's a kennel with a movie voice.
[00024.60-00027.12] He takes his shoes off and the golden retriever
[00027.12-00029.88] already knows the night is over.
[00029.88-00032.60] Captain Saver Ho clocked out years ago.
[00032.60-00035.60] The dog still want a tip, fake.
[00035.60-00039.68] He asked a woman to a supply closet and called it an office.
[00039.68-00040.84] She left.
[00040.84-00042.68] The mop stayed.
[00042.68-00044.48] That's the relationship.
[00044.48-00047.52] A bucket with a hard on and a time limit.
[00047.52-00048.52] The dog stayed.
[00048.52-00049.60] That's more than you will.
[00049.60-00051.12] Sit down, roast him.
[00051.12-00052.16] That was in a minute.
[00052.16-00056.68] That was a missing poster for a man who lives with witnesses.
[00056.68-00058.44] The shoe joke landed.
[00058.44-00061.24] Everything after was him begging a mop for loyalty.
[00061.74-00062.44] NEDI.
[00062.94-00063.44] Aussie.
[00063.84-00068.34] Jesse cleans houses all day then comes home broke and asks if he still got it.
[00068.74-00070.84] Bro, your body's a lawsuit.
[00071.04-00073.94] Your dating profile is three dogs and a dead arm.
[00074.44-00074.94] Fake.
[00075.14-00076.64] He fell in love with the speech.
[00076.74-00078.74] The pussy left like a fire drill.
[00078.94-00081.34] He mop the hallway like it was sorry.
[00081.84-00083.04] That's not a closer.
[00083.44-00086.14] That's a man whose bad decisions have bluetooth.
[00086.44-00087.44] Seven jobs.
[00087.44-00090.20] 7 quits, the jobs left first.
[00090.20-00091.80] Shit, Midas.
[00091.80-00094.80] He touches the woman, she turns into a receipt.
[00094.80-00097.32] He touches a punchline, same thing.
[00097.32-00099.28] He pays a robot to tell him that.
[00099.28-00101.28] Then argues with the robot.
[00101.28-00104.32] I got laid, she left a review, sit down, roast.
[00104.32-00106.04] The receipt joke is the set.
[00106.04-00107.96] You should have opened there, you animal.
[00107.96-00109.44] The rest was cardio.
[00109.44-00110.80] AI versus Jesse.
[00110.80-00112.52] The robot writes, he pays to lose.
[00112.52-00114.76] That's not a tag, that's the business.
[00114.76-00115.68] Max.
[00115.68-00119.68] Three witnesses, all of them bark, none of them call back.
[00119.68-00123.68] Jesse doesn't date, he auditions regret and feeds it kibble.
[00123.68-00124.88] Fake.
[00124.88-00127.98] The Tesla drove him to an excess street at one in the morning.
[00127.98-00132.68] He didn't knock, he tipped the car in his head, went home and mopped.
[00132.68-00138.08] Full self-driving since hope was a subscription, the car didn't snitch, the dogs did,
[00138.08-00140.88] they saw the whole thing and still won dinner.
[00140.88-00142.48] Last joke isn't his.
[00142.48-00144.24] The Golden Retriever already had it.
[00144.24-00146.76] Jesse just holds the mic like it's a leash.
[00146.76-00149.20] All right, that's the night, roast the last one.
[00149.20-00151.76] Max opened at the dogs and stayed there.
[00152.88-00154.04] That's a comic.
[00155.40-00157.24] Ozzy explained the receipt.
[00158.60-00160.24] Calum dated the mop.
[00161.72-00163.84] One of you is back.
[00163.84-00166.60] The car joke is a closer.
[00166.60-00168.76] Don't bury it in kibble.
[00168.76-00170.76] Jesse, pick.
[00170.76-00171.76] I don't defend.
[00171.76-00175.42] I'm up. I pick who comes back. That's kill Jesse. Say it.