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2026-09-01-openmic-battle

[00000.00-00002.00] This is comedy, laughs and giggles.
[00002.00-00003.32] Open mic.
[00003.32-00004.32] Battle.
[00004.32-00005.72] Two fake comics.
[00005.72-00007.24] Who can make me laugh more?
[00007.24-00008.32] They punch first.
[00008.32-00009.60] I talk shit back.
[00009.60-00011.88] If you came for a resume, leave.
[00011.88-00016.00] If you came to watch a man get killed by a porta-potty, stay.
[00016.00-00019.60] First name, Boscattle, looks like a grease trap that learned English.
[00019.60-00020.92] Jesse.
[00020.92-00024.00] They hired you for a porta-potty at a job site.
[00024.00-00025.00] Blue box.
[00025.00-00026.32] Hundred degrees.
[00026.32-00029.48] A grown man built a throne out of plywood and lies.
[00029.48-00032.58] You open the door, the smell stands up and shakes your hand.
[00032.82-00035.08] Flies clap like you walked into a club.
[00035.42-00037.06] The toilet paper is a rumor.
[00037.28-00040.68] The blue water looks like a drink you would order if you hated yourself.
[00040.92-00043.68] You hold your breath like the box is about to finish.
[00043.96-00047.78] Then you go in anyway, because that's the only yes you get.
[00048.08-00052.08] Fuck you! The box didn't ghost me. It stayed ripe. That's loyalty.
[00052.52-00053.92] Loyalty!
[00054.20-00058.22] You mopped a contractor's shit kingdom for 40 minutes and called it a set.
[00058.22-00061.82] You talked to the flies, named one boss.
[00061.82-00064.76] Boss the fly had better timing than you.
[00064.76-00067.46] You came out looking like the chemical water won.
[00067.46-00070.40] The porta-potty came out looking like you got a raise.
[00070.40-00072.78] You got paid in sun and shame.
[00072.78-00075.22] Then you asked the box if it wanted a call back.
[00075.22-00077.10] I don't do call backs with plywood.
[00077.10-00078.94] You kettle-ass stain, sit down.
[00078.94-00081.22] Round one, last line is mine.
[00081.22-00082.86] Second name, Lila Gheim.
[00082.86-00085.22] Don't clap, she hasn't started chewing.
[00085.22-00093.22] his dark is not a bit. It's his commute. This next one is fake. Jesse takes a sewer camera
[00093.22-00101.14] job, little robot on a cable. Goes down the drain looking for a clog. Finds Jesse's dignity,
[00101.14-00105.22] halfway to the street, living with the wipes. The camera says,
[00106.10-00114.10] Sir, we found a man. Jesse says, that's me. I live there now. The clog is a sock, a condom,
[00114.10-00120.66] and a joke he never finished. They pull it out. Jesse asks if the sock wants dinner.
[00121.30-00126.02] The sock has more self-respect than his last date. That's not plumbing.
[00126.82-00131.06] That's you going down on a city and tipping in wet wipes.
[00131.06-00134.98] Fake, but I would take the sock to breakfast. It already spent the night.
[00135.62-00141.70] Real picture. Grease trap behind a kitchen. They said it's backed up.
[00141.70-00145.90] You said, let me in like you were about to get ahead.
[00145.90-00147.42] You opened it.
[00147.42-00148.42] Hot black soup.
[00148.42-00152.70] A history of fries that died screaming.
[00152.70-00154.38] You reached in.
[00154.38-00156.90] Arm already hates you.
[00156.90-00158.50] Grease liked you.
[00158.50-00160.90] That's the only thing that held on.
[00160.90-00166.02] You pulled out a glob like last night's lasagna filed for divorce.
[00166.02-00168.82] Held it up, said that's a wrap.
[00168.82-00170.34] The cook gagged.
[00170.34-00172.50] You asked if they had sauce.
[00172.50-00174.58] That's not dark humor.
[00174.58-00177.90] That's you fucking a dumpster and calling it crap.
[00177.90-00179.06] The dumpster finished.
[00179.06-00180.38] That's more than the mic did.
[00180.38-00181.38] Sit down, Lila.
[00181.38-00183.74] He thinks that's a win.
[00183.74-00187.34] A port-a-potty and a grease trap both came.
[00187.34-00190.02] Jesse still goes home alone.
[00190.02-00191.70] That's not a battle.
[00191.70-00194.50] That's a man collecting leftovers like vinyl.
[00194.50-00198.14] He talks shit like the mic is rent.
[00198.14-00202.94] And is late. The dream is current. Last tag.
[00202.94-00210.54] Track stop shower. Jesse paid $4 for hot water and a dream. He soaked up like someone was
[00210.54-00217.46] watching. Someone was. A trucker coughing in the next doll. Jesse said sorry like he
[00217.46-00223.86] came on public tile again. That's not a shower. That's you trying to fuck steam in a
[00223.86-00230.02] a different zip code. Boss had the blue box. I have the four dollar orgasm that didn't
[00230.02-00236.30] happen. Who made you laugh more, Jesse? The shit thrown or the men who paid for water
[00236.30-00245.18] and still went home filthy. I made him gag. That's a laugh with extra throat.
[00245.18-00250.82] You made him horny in a truck stop. That's not a win. That's his Tuesday.
[00250.82-00253.54] You both lose if I don't LOL.
[00253.54-00256.74] That's the only scoreboard you filthy motherfuckers.
[00256.74-00258.06] The blue box was funny.
[00258.06-00259.22] The grease was funnier.
[00259.22-00260.82] The truck stop was me.
[00260.82-00264.54] Battles over when I say I say you too can fight in the trap.
[00264.54-00265.38] Last line is mine.