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2026-09-01-ep01-vacuum-report

[00000.00-00001.88] This is comedy, laughs and giggles.
[00001.88-00003.24] I don't own a cleaning company.
[00003.24-00005.60] I run witness protection for vacuums.
[00005.84-00009.44] From whom motherfucker, the dirt or the comic with the moth?
[00009.68-00012.28] First house is so clean I got offended.
[00012.44-00014.40] Lady goes I saw a spec.
[00014.64-00016.68] Ma'am, I used gas for this.
[00016.84-00017.92] That's not dust.
[00018.08-00020.40] That's you wasting my whole personality.
[00020.96-00024.12] You need other people's filth the way a drunk needs a bar.
[00024.28-00026.60] A fade house is your unemployment office.
[00026.92-00028.60] Next door I open the bathroom.
[00028.60-00031.96] My vacuum whispers, don't you fucking do this to me.
[00031.96-00038.36] Hair everywhere, not a clump, a wet city, in the drain, on the wall, in the soap dish like it pays rent.
[00038.92-00041.00] You didn't walk into a shower.
[00041.00-00045.64] You walked into a hair gangbang and asked if they wanted mint or lavender.
[00045.64-00051.72] Partner peeks in. You got this? That's not a question. That's a woman spotting the devil and electing me mayor.
[00051.72-00054.76] She had a back injury in the hallway before I found the switch.
[00054.76-00058.10] She still has options, dickhead.
[00058.10-00061.76] You have a vacuum and a dream about a microphone.
[00061.76-00063.68] I told it, get in there.
[00063.68-00064.84] Your built for crumbs.
[00064.84-00069.54] Today you're built for this nasty soup bitch, 40 minutes, coughing water, hair and
[00069.54-00070.84] the will to live.
[00070.84-00074.24] Sounded like a lawn mower leaving a voicemail for a lawyer.
[00074.24-00077.80] If that machine talks in court, you're not the cleaner.
[00077.80-00080.40] You're the cocksucker on the intake form.
[00080.40-00084.08] Put the vacuum in witness protection, new name, new state.
[00084.08-00088.08] And if they ask who did this, tell them it was a comic who still mops because the mic
[00088.08-00090.08] don't pay and the drain don't lie.