{"file": "redline-openmic-aug24-04-candystore.mp3", "duration_sec": 160.0, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.05, "end": 5.17, "text": "Alright, we don't usually let the host do a set, because it's a conflict of interest,"}, {"start": 5.17, "end": 10.73, "text": "but tonight he begged, so here he is, doing the one thing he's actually good at, roasting"}, {"start": 10.73, "end": 15.17, "text": "his own dumb ass with real reasoning behind every hit."}, {"start": 15.17, "end": 16.49, "text": "Give it up."}, {"start": 16.49, "end": 19.85, "text": "When I was a kid, there was a candy store by the house, and I used to stand outside that"}, {"start": 19.85, "end": 22.73, "text": "window like it was a fucking Vegas heist movie."}, {"start": 22.73, "end": 25.33, "text": "Rose of shit I couldn't afford lit up like the future."}, {"start": 25.33, "end": 29.01, "text": "That's the whole blueprint of my life right there, a kid with his face on the glass, promising"}, {"start": 29.01, "end": 32.41, "text": "himself one day I'm walking in here and buying the whole case."}, {"start": 32.41, "end": 36.17, "text": "Cut to me at 50 fucking years old, I did walk in."}, {"start": 36.17, "end": 40.73, "text": "Except the candy store is now a supercomputer, and instead of buying the whole case I financed"}, {"start": 40.73, "end": 44.81, "text": "it over four years at an interest rate that laughs at me personally."}, {"start": 44.81, "end": 48.01, "text": "Same kid, same window, same dumb ass hope."}, {"start": 48.01, "end": 52.73, "text": "I just upgraded from wanting Skittles to wanting a robot that can write Skittles brand poetry"}, {"start": 52.73, "end": 55.41, "text": "about my own bankruptcy."}, {"start": 55.41, "end": 60.37, "text": "That's the reasoning right there, same image, different decade, different price tag."}, {"start": 60.37, "end": 65.05, "text": "You didn't just say I like money, you gave us the window, the glass, the kid's face on"}, {"start": 65.05, "end": 66.05, "text": "it."}, {"start": 66.05, "end": 67.73, "text": "That's a joke you can see."}, {"start": 67.73, "end": 69.29, "text": "Keep going."}, {"start": 69.29, "end": 73.49, "text": "In my family, my family wasn't dysfunctional, my family was a sitcom that got canceled for"}, {"start": 73.49, "end": 75.13, "text": "being too fucking real."}, {"start": 75.13, "end": 78.61, "text": "We didn't have a therapist growing up, we had a garage and a lot of slammed doors and"}, {"start": 78.61, "end": 80.93, "text": "everybody just agreed that was processing."}, {"start": 80.93, "end": 82.77, "text": "I turned all that into a book."}, {"start": 82.77, "end": 86.97, "text": "People ask me how do you turn pain into comedy, and the honest answer is I didn't have a choice"}, {"start": 86.97, "end": 89.53, "text": "laughing was cheaper than the copy."}, {"start": 89.53, "end": 94.69, "text": "50 years old and I'm still doing the same math I did as a kid outside that window, what can"}, {"start": 94.69, "end": 100.45, "text": "I survive on, what can I laugh about, and what do I have to lock away and never open again."}, {"start": 100.45, "end": 105.01, "text": "Difference is now I got an AI helping me do the math and it's worse at it than I am and"}, {"start": 105.01, "end": 108.37, "text": "I'm paying it monthly for the privilege."}, {"start": 108.37, "end": 113.29, "text": "One was cheaper than the copy, that's a gut punch wearing a joke's clothes."}, {"start": 113.29, "end": 118.57, "text": "That's the whole secret sauce man, you're not clever, you're honest with good timing,"}, {"start": 118.57, "end": 120.05, "text": "close it out."}, {"start": 120.05, "end": 122.73, "text": "Here's the deal every single day the show comes back."}, {"start": 122.73, "end": 126.45, "text": "We're gonna sit right here and talk shit, bad customer service, we're roasting it, some"}, {"start": 126.45, "end": 130.77, "text": "open mic hack doing the same airplane food jokes since 2004, we're roasting it, a comedy"}, {"start": 130.77, "end": 134.57, "text": "special so unfunny it should come with a refund policy, we are roasting it, cause that's"}, {"start": 134.57, "end": 137.13, "text": "the whole bit of my life kid on the glass man in the debt."}, {"start": 137.13, "end": 140.05, "text": "People standing here every single day turning the shit that should have broken me into something"}, {"start": 140.05, "end": 142.05, "text": "you laugh at instead."}, {"start": 142.05, "end": 147.25, "text": "Candy store never had what I actually wanted anyway, turns out what I wanted was this,"}, {"start": 147.25, "end": 153.17, "text": "a room, a mic and permission to talk shit about everything starting with myself."}, {"start": 153.17, "end": 158.85, "text": "That's Redline Comedy, come back tomorrow same broke host, same sharp mouth, new shit to"}, {"start": 158.85, "end": 159.85, "text": "talk about."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nAlright, we don't usually let the host do a set, because it's a conflict of interest, but tonight he begged, so here he is, doing the one thing he's actually good at, roasting his own dumb ass with real reasoning behind every hit. Give it up. When I was a kid, there was a candy store by the house, and I used to stand outside that window like it was a fucking Vegas heist movie. Rose of shit I couldn't afford lit up like the future. That's the whole blueprint of my life right there, a kid with his face on the glass, promising himself one day I'm walking in here and buying the whole case. Cut to me at 50 fucking years old, I did walk in. Except the candy store is now a supercomputer, and instead of buying the whole case I financed it over four years at an interest rate that laughs at me personally. Same kid, same window, same dumb ass hope. I just upgraded from wanting Skittles to wanting a robot that can write Skittles brand poetry about my own bankruptcy. That's the reasoning right there, same image, different decade, different price tag. You didn't just say I like money, you gave us the window, the glass, the kid's face on it. That's a joke you can see. Keep going. In my family, my family wasn't dysfunctional, my family was a sitcom that got canceled for being too fucking real. We didn't have a therapist growing up, we had a garage and a lot of slammed doors and everybody just agreed that was processing. I turned all that into a book. People ask me how do you turn pain into comedy, and the honest answer is I didn't have a choice laughing was cheaper than the copy. 50 years old and I'm still doing the same math I did as a kid outside that window, what can I survive on, what can I laugh about, and what do I have to lock away and never open again. Difference is now I got an AI helping me do the math and it's worse at it than I am and I'm paying it monthly for the privilege. One was cheaper than the copy, that's a gut punch wearing a joke's clothes. That's the whole secret sauce man, you're not clever, you're honest with good timing, close it out. Here's the deal every single day the show comes back. We're gonna sit right here and talk shit, bad customer service, we're roasting it, some open mic hack doing the same airplane food jokes since 2004, we're roasting it, a comedy special so unfunny it should come with a refund policy, we are roasting it, cause that's the whole bit of my life kid on the glass man in the debt. People standing here every single day turning the shit that should have broken me into something you laugh at instead. Candy store never had what I actually wanted anyway, turns out what I wanted was this, a room, a mic and permission to talk shit about everything starting with myself. That's Redline Comedy, come back tomorrow same broke host, same sharp mouth, new shit to talk about.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}