{"file": "redline-openmic-aug24-03-ensemble.mp3", "duration_sec": 293.1, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.05, "end": 6.21, "text": "Welcome the fuck back to Red Line comedy tonight ain't about one mother fucking target tonight"}, {"start": 6.21, "end": 11.59, "text": "Everybody's got some shit eating them alive and they're gonna stand up here and scream about it till it's funny"}, {"start": 12.01, "end": 20.11, "text": "Bills AI agents badass days each other nothing's off the table except the shit that's actually off the table"}, {"start": 20.49, "end": 23.49, "text": "First up she's had a fucking day give it up"}, {"start": 23.49, "end": 27.49, "text": "I don't want to hear one more motherfucker tell me AI is the future"}, {"start": 27.65, "end": 34.35, "text": "My future is an AI agent that cost me forty fucking dollars to book a dentist appointment and then book that shit in the wrong fucking state"}, {"start": 34.35, "end": 39.09, "text": "I said find me a dentist near me and this dumbass thing hallucinated a whole fucking practice"}, {"start": 39.69, "end": 43.41, "text": "Confirmation email address everything turns out the address was a chucky cheese"}, {"start": 43.41, "end": 46.41, "text": "I drove my ass to a chucky cheese to get my teeth cleaned"}, {"start": 47.17, "end": 52.97, "text": "The mascot mouse had better bedside manner than my last real dentist and that bitch doesn't even have a license"}, {"start": 52.97, "end": 56.41, "text": "He has a costume and you want me to pay you monthly for that shit"}, {"start": 56.41, "end": 60.99, "text": "That's not customer service. That's a subscription to being gas lit by a fucking toaster"}, {"start": 61.97, "end": 66.05, "text": "She said gas lit by a toaster. That's the whole game right there"}, {"start": 66.25, "end": 72.09, "text": "You take a real feeling you put it on a dumb object and the dumb object makes it hit twice as hard"}, {"start": 72.57, "end": 74.41, "text": "Write that shit down"}, {"start": 74.41, "end": 79.65, "text": "Next up bills don't pay themselves, but apparently AI agents don't pay them either"}, {"start": 80.77, "end": 85.21, "text": "Everybody's out here paying an AI agent 200 fucking dollars a month to automate their life"}, {"start": 85.21, "end": 91.39, "text": "My life got more complicated. I got a robot arguing with the other robot about whose job it was to pay my water bill"}, {"start": 91.39, "end": 98.13, "text": "And I'm just standing there like a dumbass two AI agents one water bill and somehow I'm the dumb motherfucker who got the shutoff notice"}, {"start": 98.13, "end": 100.13, "text": "I got sued by my own shower"}, {"start": 100.13, "end": 106.89, "text": "I had to explain to a real life human being at the water company that I got a digital assistant whose entire job is not doing this"}, {"start": 106.89, "end": 110.65, "text": "Exact shit and she just looked at me like I told her my dog filed my taxes"}, {"start": 110.93, "end": 116.33, "text": "You know what's cheaper than an AI agent a posted note a posted note has never once hallucinated a bill payment"}, {"start": 116.33, "end": 121.33, "text": "A post-it note never once told me shit was handled while I'm standing buck ass naked in a cold ass shower"}, {"start": 121.33, "end": 123.33, "text": "Googling is hypothermia funny"}, {"start": 124.37, "end": 129.51, "text": "sued by my own shower see that that's a specific stupid true feeling image"}, {"start": 129.73, "end": 133.51, "text": "Not AI is bad. That's boring. Everybody says that"}, {"start": 133.93, "end": 139.37, "text": "sued by my own shower you can see that that's the difference between a complaint and a joke"}, {"start": 139.85, "end": 143.25, "text": "Next she's got beef with the whole day not just one thing"}, {"start": 144.09, "end": 150.73, "text": "Today in order I woke the fuck up late my coffee maker went on strike my car made a sound like it was giving birth to another"}, {"start": 150.97, "end": 157.29, "text": "Smaller angrier car and I got a notification that my AI subscription renewed itself for the whole last year in one lump"}, {"start": 157.29, "end": 165.13, "text": "Some like it's a fucking time share. I didn't even get a hey heads up. I got a receipt a robot took my fucking money with the confidence of a man"}, {"start": 165.13, "end": 167.97, "text": "Who knows I'm not gonna do shit about it and he's right?"}, {"start": 168.77, "end": 172.41, "text": "What am I gonna do argue with customer support? That's also an AI?"}, {"start": 172.69, "end": 178.77, "text": "That's not a dispute. That's two robots watching me have a full blown nervous breakdown in real time and taking notes on it"}, {"start": 178.93, "end": 183.41, "text": "By 9 a.m. I had cried my ass off in a target parking lot over a car warranty text"}, {"start": 183.69, "end": 190.01, "text": "Not a car warranty a car warranty text. I didn't even own the fucking problem yet and I was already grieving it"}, {"start": 190.69, "end": 194.37, "text": "Two robots watching me have a nervous breakdown in real time"}, {"start": 194.73, "end": 198.29, "text": "That's a call back to Onyx's bill fight without even trying"}, {"start": 198.45, "end": 205.77, "text": "That's how you know a night's cooking when the room starts rhyming with itself. All right last two bring the heat"}, {"start": 206.37, "end": 209.81, "text": "I'm not even mad at AI no more. I'm mad at my own dumb ass"}, {"start": 209.81, "end": 214.63, "text": "I asked an AI agent to help me write a text to a girl and it wrote something so smooth"}, {"start": 214.63, "end": 218.89, "text": "I panicked and sent her the robots whole ass message and the robots invoiced by accident"}, {"start": 219.09, "end": 222.41, "text": "She responded who the fuck is clawed and why does he think we're vibing?"}, {"start": 223.01, "end": 227.73, "text": "I had to explain that Claude Aint a man Claude's a subscription and no we ain't in a thruple"}, {"start": 227.73, "end": 232.37, "text": "It's just me alone paying a robot to be charming on my behalf and then still fucking up the handoff"}, {"start": 232.65, "end": 234.65, "text": "That's not dating in 2026"}, {"start": 234.65, "end": 238.45, "text": "That's outsourcing your whole entire personality and still fucking up the delivery"}, {"start": 239.09, "end": 244.05, "text": "Y'all keep making it funny. Let me make it true for a second every single motherfucker up here tonight"}, {"start": 244.05, "end": 245.53, "text": "Paid a machine to help carry some shit"}, {"start": 245.53, "end": 251.25, "text": "They used to carry themselves a bill a text an appointment a whole fucking day and every single time it made the load heavier not lighter"}, {"start": 251.25, "end": 256.21, "text": "That's not a glitch. That's the business model confuse your ass just enough that paying more feels like the fix"}, {"start": 256.21, "end": 258.21, "text": "We ain't funny cuz AI is dumb"}, {"start": 258.61, "end": 265.61, "text": "We're funny cuz we're all still here broke and confused as fuck paying monthly for the privilege of getting disappointed on a schedule"}, {"start": 265.61, "end": 268.25, "text": "And that's the fucking room folks"}, {"start": 268.89, "end": 275.25, "text": "Everybody up here tonight got robbed a little different a dentist a shower a car warranty a whole ass text message"}, {"start": 275.25, "end": 280.21, "text": "But it's the same robbery same hand in the same pocket different sleeve of the jacket"}, {"start": 280.21, "end": 287.41, "text": "That's red line comedy we don't roast one person no more we roast the whole fucking century tip your comics"}, {"start": 287.57, "end": 292.53, "text": "They're all broke as fuck two ask their AI agent it probably already spent it"}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nWelcome the fuck back to Red Line comedy tonight ain't about one mother fucking target tonight Everybody's got some shit eating them alive and they're gonna stand up here and scream about it till it's funny Bills AI agents badass days each other nothing's off the table except the shit that's actually off the table First up she's had a fucking day give it up I don't want to hear one more motherfucker tell me AI is the future My future is an AI agent that cost me forty fucking dollars to book a dentist appointment and then book that shit in the wrong fucking state I said find me a dentist near me and this dumbass thing hallucinated a whole fucking practice Confirmation email address everything turns out the address was a chucky cheese I drove my ass to a chucky cheese to get my teeth cleaned The mascot mouse had better bedside manner than my last real dentist and that bitch doesn't even have a license He has a costume and you want me to pay you monthly for that shit That's not customer service. That's a subscription to being gas lit by a fucking toaster She said gas lit by a toaster. That's the whole game right there You take a real feeling you put it on a dumb object and the dumb object makes it hit twice as hard Write that shit down Next up bills don't pay themselves, but apparently AI agents don't pay them either Everybody's out here paying an AI agent 200 fucking dollars a month to automate their life My life got more complicated. I got a robot arguing with the other robot about whose job it was to pay my water bill And I'm just standing there like a dumbass two AI agents one water bill and somehow I'm the dumb motherfucker who got the shutoff notice I got sued by my own shower I had to explain to a real life human being at the water company that I got a digital assistant whose entire job is not doing this Exact shit and she just looked at me like I told her my dog filed my taxes You know what's cheaper than an AI agent a posted note a posted note has never once hallucinated a bill payment A post-it note never once told me shit was handled while I'm standing buck ass naked in a cold ass shower Googling is hypothermia funny sued by my own shower see that that's a specific stupid true feeling image Not AI is bad. That's boring. Everybody says that sued by my own shower you can see that that's the difference between a complaint and a joke Next she's got beef with the whole day not just one thing Today in order I woke the fuck up late my coffee maker went on strike my car made a sound like it was giving birth to another Smaller angrier car and I got a notification that my AI subscription renewed itself for the whole last year in one lump Some like it's a fucking time share. I didn't even get a hey heads up. I got a receipt a robot took my fucking money with the confidence of a man Who knows I'm not gonna do shit about it and he's right? What am I gonna do argue with customer support? That's also an AI? That's not a dispute. That's two robots watching me have a full blown nervous breakdown in real time and taking notes on it By 9 a.m. I had cried my ass off in a target parking lot over a car warranty text Not a car warranty a car warranty text. I didn't even own the fucking problem yet and I was already grieving it Two robots watching me have a nervous breakdown in real time That's a call back to Onyx's bill fight without even trying That's how you know a night's cooking when the room starts rhyming with itself. All right last two bring the heat I'm not even mad at AI no more. I'm mad at my own dumb ass I asked an AI agent to help me write a text to a girl and it wrote something so smooth I panicked and sent her the robots whole ass message and the robots invoiced by accident She responded who the fuck is clawed and why does he think we're vibing? I had to explain that Claude Aint a man Claude's a subscription and no we ain't in a thruple It's just me alone paying a robot to be charming on my behalf and then still fucking up the handoff That's not dating in 2026 That's outsourcing your whole entire personality and still fucking up the delivery Y'all keep making it funny. Let me make it true for a second every single motherfucker up here tonight Paid a machine to help carry some shit They used to carry themselves a bill a text an appointment a whole fucking day and every single time it made the load heavier not lighter That's not a glitch. That's the business model confuse your ass just enough that paying more feels like the fix We ain't funny cuz AI is dumb We're funny cuz we're all still here broke and confused as fuck paying monthly for the privilege of getting disappointed on a schedule And that's the fucking room folks Everybody up here tonight got robbed a little different a dentist a shower a car warranty a whole ass text message But it's the same robbery same hand in the same pocket different sleeve of the jacket That's red line comedy we don't roast one person no more we roast the whole fucking century tip your comics They're all broke as fuck two ask their AI agent it probably already spent it\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}