{"file": "redline-openmic-aug24-00-full-show.mp3", "duration_sec": 1328.7, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.08, "end": 7.08, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Redline Comedy, the only open mic in America where the host is also the fucking crime scene."}, {"start": 7.08, "end": 15.08, "text": "Jesse Salas, $300,000 in debt to a robot, not a car, not a house, a robot."}, {"start": 15.08, "end": 22.08, "text": "He looked at rent, looked at a supercomputer, and picked the computer like a dumbass picks the hot vending machine over food that actually feeds him."}, {"start": 22.08, "end": 25.08, "text": "He is now what the doctors call AI Broke."}, {"start": 25.08, "end": 28.08, "text": "Regular Broke, you can't pay rent."}, {"start": 28.08, "end": 39.08, "text": "But you got a machine that will write you a nine paragraph excuse letter to your landlord in the voice of a fancy lawyer who's never missed a meal in his life."}, {"start": 39.08, "end": 46.08, "text": "Tonight, red and blue are gonna get into it about my whole fucked up life. Let's fucking go."}, {"start": 47.08, "end": 54.08, "text": "Look look, I love this man and I will defend him with my whole now. I ain't saying the G word my mom is watching. I will defend him with my whole fucking chest."}, {"start": 54.08, "end": 66.08, "text": "Everybody want a clown Jesse for going 300 grand in the hole for AI. That's not stupid. That's vision. That's a man who said I refuse to be regular broke. I'm gonna be specific broke. I'm gonna be broke with a plan."}, {"start": 66.08, "end": 73.08, "text": "This man is on his knees seven days a week scrubbing somebody shit staying toilet for 150 bucks splitting it in half with his partner."}, {"start": 73.08, "end": 86.08, "text": "So he's walking away with $75 and a fucked up knee. Then he goes home and pays a robot more than that to help him write a joke about how broke his asses. That's not a mistake. That's a man financing his own execution and doing the fucking paperwork himself."}, {"start": 86.08, "end": 102.08, "text": "Vision baby that's not vision that's a man who let a chatbot talk him into a car payment on a fucking computer. $6,000 a month in bills, three dogs, $0 saved and his income is sometimes a stranger's bathroom. That ain't a business. That's a hostage situation and the toilets the hostage."}, {"start": 102.08, "end": 122.08, "text": "And splitting it 50 50 with his partner on a hundred and fifty dollar job. That's not a partnership baby that's two broke ass people holding hands while they drown so it looks like a choice. He wrote a whole book called colors of my pain should have been called colors of my overdraft fee because baby it is all red."}, {"start": 122.08, "end": 135.08, "text": "Yellow energy don't pay and tropics invoice all right somebody got to stay read somebody got to keep fighting keep grinding keep keep what keep broke fighting for the right to be poor with better fucking prompts."}, {"start": 135.08, "end": 150.08, "text": "At least the man's got ambition he's got a subscription. He's building an empire he's building debt with a font on it hold up hold up he told me the real math one time drunk at 2 a.m."}, {"start": 150.08, "end": 163.08, "text": "He said I make 150 scrubbing a shower and I spend more than that arguing with a robot about whether the joke about the shower is too mean to the shower. That's this man's whole entire life."}, {"start": 163.08, "end": 179.08, "text": "Three dogs staring at him with their sad little faces while he cleans strangers toilets for gas money comes home opens a laptop that cost more than his fucking car and pays a machine to tell him he's failing in real time with footnotes and a table of conversation."}, {"start": 180.08, "end": 208.08, "text": "Contents and he do it again tomorrow. That's not resilience baby that's a gambling problem with a LinkedIn 300,000 in the hole 6 grand a month in bills scrubbing toilet 7 days a week splitting scraps with his partner just to keep feeding the robot and the dogs and don't ask which one eats first because it ain't the dogs but look at him broke tired smells like pine saw and bad decisions."}, {"start": 208.08, "end": 226.08, "text": "He's standing up here making y'all laugh about it instead of crying about it. That's the whole fucking book right there. That's colors of my pain live on a Tuesday for free at Redline Comedy tip your host he's got a robot to feed and it eats better than he does."}, {"start": 226.08, "end": 239.08, "text": "All right tonight's different tonight we're not just roasting Jesse we're running him through three comics back to back same subject three different levels of mean so you can hear exactly how a joke gets sharper the deeper you're willing to go."}, {"start": 239.08, "end": 249.08, "text": "Level one is gonna warm you up level three is gonna make you feel bad for laughing that's the job that's the whole fucking job let's go."}, {"start": 249.08, "end": 266.08, "text": "So Jesse's $300,000 in debt to a robot not a house not a car a robot my guy took invest in yourself and turned it into invest in a thing that doesn't even remember your name in the morning and to pay it off he's cleaning houses seven days a week splitting $150 job in half with his partner so he's out here making $75 a house."}, {"start": 266.08, "end": 277.08, "text": "Bro that's not a business that's a paper route with a mortgage attached. He comes home from scrubbing a stranger's toilet sits down opens his laptop and pays the robot more than he just made."}, {"start": 277.08, "end": 286.08, "text": "That man is literally working a full shift to afford his second full shift and the second shifts job is reminding him how broke the first shift made him."}, {"start": 286.08, "end": 306.08, "text": "You hear that structure working a full shift to afford his second shift and the second shifts whole job is reminding him how broke he is that's a callback riding a setup the toilet line plants the shift the AI line cash is it in that's not luck that's work that's sitting with a joke for 20 minutes cutting every word that ain't earning its spot."}, {"start": 306.08, "end": 311.08, "text": "Ain't nobody just funny funny's a rewrite now let's go darker."}, {"start": 311.08, "end": 325.08, "text": "Scrappy's being nice let me tell you what this actually is this man is 50 something years old on his knees in a stranger's bathroom scrubbing a toilet ring for gas money while paying a subscription to a computer that's smarter than every decision he's made since May of last year."}, {"start": 325.08, "end": 334.08, "text": "$6,000 a month in bills three dogs he can barely afford to feed splitting $75 with a partner like that's a real payday."}, {"start": 334.08, "end": 353.08, "text": "And every single night he opens that laptop and asks a machine to help him sound clever about it because if he stops for one second and just sits with the math it's not funny anymore it's just a man who bet his whole life on a slot machine that talks back that's not vision that's a grown man doing manual labor to feed his own humiliation a monthly fee."}, {"start": 353.08, "end": 377.08, "text": "That's the shift right there feed his own humiliation a monthly fee that's the whole trick of going dark you don't need a punch line shape like a joke you need a sentence shaped like a punch no setup no wind up just the truth said mean and specific that's harder to write than a pun a pun you can find a gut punch you gotta actually mean last comic don't flinch."}, {"start": 377.08, "end": 398.08, "text": "Man spent 30 years behind a camera 14 years working for the state 11 years driving strangers around at 3 a.m. listening to their whole lives fall apart in his back seat and he had one good idea right it all down turn the pain into something and instead of finishing the book he bought a computer that costs more than most people's cars and told himself the robot was gonna save him it didn't save him."}, {"start": 398.08, "end": 419.08, "text": "300,000 dollars later and he is on his knees in someone else's bathroom splitting 75 dollars feeding three dogs before he feeds himself and still still opening that laptop every night like it owes him something back that's not a business plan that's grief wearing a hoodie that's a man who already survived the worst chapter of his real life and is now paying monthly installments to survive the sequel."}, {"start": 419.08, "end": 445.08, "text": "That's the level most people won't go to because it don't feel like comedy no more it feels true and it is true every number in that set is real the 75 dollars is real the three dogs is real the 300 grand is real that's the whole secret nobody tells you about this lane the meaner it gets the less you're making up level ones got jokes in it level three's just facts set out loud with good timing."}, {"start": 446.08, "end": 470.08, "text": "Man's broke tired smells like pine saw and bad math and he still up here every week turning it into something people laugh it instead of look away from that's not a bit that's the job that's colors of my pain live on a Tuesday for free at red line comedy tip your host feed the dogs in that order no wait feed the dogs first he'll live either way."}, {"start": 470.08, "end": 494.08, "text": "All right tonight's different tonight we're not just roasting Jesse we're running him through three comics back to back same subject three different levels of mean so you can hear exactly how a joke gets sharper the deeper you're willing to go level one is gonna warm you up level three is gonna make you feel bad for laughing that's the job that's the whole fucking job let's go."}, {"start": 494.08, "end": 515.08, "text": "So Jesse's 300 thousand dollars in debt to robot not a house not a car a robot my guy took invest in yourself and turned it into invest in a thing that doesn't even remember your name in the morning and to pay it off he's cleaning houses seven days a week splitting a hundred fifty dollar job and half with his partner so he's out here making seventy five dollars a house bro that's not a business that's a paper root with a mortgage attached."}, {"start": 515.08, "end": 530.08, "text": "He comes home from scrubbing a stranger's toilet sits down opens his laptop and pays the robot more than he just made that man is literally working a full shift to afford his second full shift and the second shifts job is reminding him how broke the first shift made him."}, {"start": 531.08, "end": 544.08, "text": "You hear that structure working a full shift to afford his second shift and the second shifts whole job is reminding him how broke he is that's a call back writing a setup the toilet line plants the shift the AI line cash is in."}, {"start": 545.08, "end": 557.08, "text": "That's not luck that's work that's sitting with a joke for twenty minutes cutting every word that ain't earning its spot ain't nobody just funny funny's a rewrite now let's go darker."}, {"start": 558.08, "end": 573.08, "text": "Scrapies being nice let me tell you what this actually is this man is fifty something years old on his knees in a stranger's bathroom scrubbing a toilet ring for gas money while paying a subscription to a computer that's smarter than every decision he's made since may of last year."}, {"start": 573.08, "end": 582.08, "text": "Six thousand dollars a month in bills three dogs he can barely afford to feed splitting seventy five dollars with a partner like that's a real payday."}, {"start": 583.08, "end": 602.08, "text": "And every single night he opens that laptop and asks a machine to help him sound clever about it because if he stops for one second and just sits with the math it's not funny anymore it's just a man who bet his whole life on a slot machine that talks back that's not vision that's a grown man doing manual labor to feed his own humiliation on the way he's doing."}, {"start": 603.08, "end": 629.08, "text": "A monthly fee that's the shift right there feed his own humiliation a monthly fee that's the whole trick of going dark you don't need a punch line shape like a joke you need a sentence shaped like a punch no setup no wind up just the truth said mean and specific that's harder to write than a pun a pun you can find a gut punch you got to actually mean last comic don't flinch."}, {"start": 629.08, "end": 650.08, "text": "He's spent 30 years behind a camera 14 years working for the state 11 years driving strangers around at 3 a.m. listening to their whole lives fall apart in his back seat and he had one good idea right it all down turn the pain into something and instead of finishing the book he bought a computer that costs more than most people's cars and told himself the robot was going to save him it didn't save him."}, {"start": 650.08, "end": 671.08, "text": "300,000 dollars later and he is on his knees in someone else's bathroom splitting 75 dollars feeding three dogs before he feeds himself and still still opening that laptop every night like it owes him something back that's not a business plan that's grief wearing a hoodie that's a man who already survived the worst chapter of his real life and is now paying monthly installments to survive the sequel."}, {"start": 671.08, "end": 697.08, "text": "That's the level most people won't go to because it don't feel like comedy no more it feels true and it is true every number in that said is real the 75 dollars is real the three dogs is real the 300 grand is real that's the whole secret nobody tells you about this lane the meaner it gets the less you're making up level ones got jokes in it level three's just facts set out loud with good timing."}, {"start": 697.08, "end": 721.08, "text": "Man's broke tired smells like pine saw and bad math and he still up here every week turning it into something people laugh it instead of look away from that's not a bit that's the job that's colors of my pain live on a Tuesday for free at red line comedy tip your host feed the dogs in that order no wait feed the dogs first he'll live either way."}, {"start": 722.08, "end": 746.08, "text": "Welcome the fuck back to red line comedy tonight ain't about one mother fucking target tonight everybody's got some shit eating them alive and they're gonna stand up here and scream about it till it's funny bills AI agents badass days each other nothing's off the table except the shit that's actually off the table first up she's had a fucking day give it up."}, {"start": 746.08, "end": 769.08, "text": "I don't want to hear one more mother fucker tell me AI is the future my future is an AI agent that cost me forty fucking dollars to book a dentist appointment and then book that shit in the wrong fucking state I said find me a dentist near me and this dumbass thing hallucinated a whole fucking practice confirmation email address everything turns out the address was a chucky cheese I drove my ass to a chucky cheese to get my teeth cleaned."}, {"start": 769.08, "end": 783.08, "text": "The mascot mouse had better bedside manner than my last real dentist and that bitch doesn't even have a license he has a costume and you want me to pay you monthly for that shit that's not customer service that's a subscription to being gas lit by a fucking toaster."}, {"start": 784.08, "end": 798.08, "text": "She said gas lit by a toaster that's the whole game right there you take a real feeling you put it on a dumb object and the dumb object makes it hit twice as hard right that shit down next up bills don't pay themselves but a pay."}, {"start": 799.08, "end": 822.08, "text": "Apparently AI agents don't pay them either everybody's out here paying an AI agent two hundred fucking dollars a month to automate their life my life got more complicated I got a robot arguing with the other robot about whose job it was to pay my water bill and I'm just standing there like a dumbass two AI agents one water bill and somehow I'm the dumb motherfucker who got the shut off notice I got sued by my own shower."}, {"start": 822.08, "end": 845.08, "text": "I had to explain to a real life human being at the water company that I got a digital assistant whose entire job is not doing this exact shit and she just looked at me like I told her my dog filed my taxes you know what's cheaper than an AI agent posted note posted note has never once hallucinated a bill payment posted note never once told me shit was handled while I'm standing buck ass naked in a cold ass shower googling is hypothermia funny."}, {"start": 846.08, "end": 865.08, "text": "sued by my own shower see that that's a specific stupid true feeling image not AI is bad that's boring everybody says that sued by my own shower you can see that that's the difference between a complaint and a joke next she's got beef with the whole day not just one thing."}, {"start": 866.08, "end": 890.08, "text": "today in order I woke the fuck up late my coffee maker went on strike my car made a sound like it was giving birth to another smaller angrier car and I got a notification that my AI subscription renewed itself for the whole last year in one lump some like it's a fucking timeshare I didn't even get a hey heads up I got a receipt a robot took my fucking money with the confidence of a man who knows I'm not going to do shit about it and he's right."}, {"start": 890.08, "end": 912.08, "text": "what am I going to do argue with customer support that's also an AI that's not a dispute that's two robots watching me have a full blown nervous breakdown in real time and taking notes on it by 9 a.m. I had cried my ass off in a target parking lot over a car warranty text not a car warranty a car warranty text I didn't even own the fucking problem yet and I was already grieving it."}, {"start": 912.08, "end": 928.08, "text": "to robots watching me have a nervous breakdown in real time that's a call back to onyx's bill fight without even trying that's how you know a night's cooking when the room starts rhyming with itself all right last two bring the heat."}, {"start": 928.08, "end": 941.08, "text": "I'm not even mad at AI no more I'm mad at my own dumb ass I asked an AI agent to help me write a text to a girl and it wrote something so smooth I panicked and sent her the robots whole ass message and the robots invoice by accident."}, {"start": 941.08, "end": 960.08, "text": "She responded to the fuck is clawed and why does he think we're vibing I had to explain that clawed a demand clouds a subscription and no we ain't in a thruple it's just me alone paying a robot to be charming on my behalf and then still fucking up the handoff that's not dating in 2026 that's outsourcing your whole entire personality and still fucking up the delivery."}, {"start": 961.08, "end": 980.08, "text": "y'all keep making it funny let me make it true for a second every single motherfucker up here tonight paid a machine to help carry some shit they used to carry themselves a bill a text an appointment a whole fucking day and every single time it made the load heavier not lighter that's not a glitch that's the business model confuse your ass just enough that paying more feels like the fix we ain't funny cuz a eyes dumb."}, {"start": 980.08, "end": 988.08, "text": "We're funny cuz we're all still here broke and confused as fuck paying monthly for the privilege of getting disappointed on a schedule."}, {"start": 988.08, "end": 1015.08, "text": "And that's the fucking room folks everybody up here tonight got robbed a little different a dentist a shower a car warranty a whole ass text message but it's the same robbery same hand in the same pocket different sleeve of the jacket that's red line comedy we don't roast one person no more we roast the whole fucking century tip your comics they're all broke as fuck to ask their a agent it probably already spent it."}, {"start": 1015.08, "end": 1031.08, "text": "Alright we don't usually let the host do a set cuz it's a conflict of interest but tonight he begged so here he is doing the one thing he's actually good at roasting his own dumb ass with real reasoning behind every hit give it up."}, {"start": 1031.08, "end": 1044.08, "text": "When I was a kid there was a candy store by the house and I used to stand outside that window like it was a fucking Vegas heist movie rose of shit I couldn't afford lit up like the future that's the whole blueprint of my life right there a kid with his face on the glass promising himself one day I'm."}, {"start": 1045.08, "end": 1070.08, "text": "Walking in here and buying the whole case cut to me at 50 fucking years old I did walk in except the candy store is now a super computer and instead of buying the whole case I financed it over four years at an interest rate that laughs at me personally same kid same window same dumb ass hope I just upgraded from wanting skittles to wanting a robot that can write Skittles brand poetry about my own bankruptcy."}, {"start": 1070.08, "end": 1084.08, "text": "That's the reasoning right there same image different decade different price tag you didn't just say I like money you gave us the window the glass the kids face on it that's a joke you can see keep going."}, {"start": 1084.08, "end": 1099.08, "text": "And my family my family wasn't dysfunctional my family was a sitcom that got canceled for being too fucking real we didn't have a therapist growing up we had a garage and a lot of slam doors and everybody just agreed that was processing I turned all that into a book people ask me how do you turn pain into comedy."}, {"start": 1099.08, "end": 1122.08, "text": "And the honest answer is I didn't have a choice laughing was cheaper than the copy 50 years old and I'm still doing the same math I did as a kid outside that window what can I survive on what can I laugh about and what do I have to lock away and never open again difference is now I got an AI helping me do the math and it's worse at it than I am and I'm paying it monthly for the privilege."}, {"start": 1122.08, "end": 1134.08, "text": "Laughing was cheaper than the copy that's a gut punch wearing a jokes clothes that's the whole secret sauce man you're not clever you're honest with good timing close it out."}, {"start": 1134.08, "end": 1151.08, "text": "Here's the deal every single day the show comes back we're going to sit right here and talk shit bad customer service we're roasting it some open my cat doing the same airplane food jokes since 2004 we're roasting it a comedy special so on funny it should come with a refund policy we are roasting it cause that's the whole bit of my life kid on the glass man in the dead still."}, {"start": 1152.08, "end": 1167.08, "text": "Standing here every single day turning the shit that should have broken me into something you laugh at instead candy store never had what I actually wanted anyway turns out what I wanted was this a room a mic and permission to talk shit about everything starting with myself."}, {"start": 1167.08, "end": 1192.08, "text": "That's red line comedy come back tomorrow same broke host same sharp mouth new shit to talk about Sunday night red line comedy and tonight it's the kill Jesse special new material straight off the page and the only question that matters is does it actually get a laugh out of the man himself Jesse new territory tonight let's see if you can kill."}, {"start": 1192.08, "end": 1212.08, "text": "I drove strangers around Sacramento for 11 fucking years at 3 a.m. you learn things out there you learn a grown ass man will cry about his ex wife to a total stranger for nine dollars and change and still won't tip people used to tell me their whole life story in the backseat like I was a priest with a teota I wasn't absolving nobody I was just trying to hit my next fair before the surge pricing ended."}, {"start": 1212.08, "end": 1225.08, "text": "11 years of that and now I pay a robot to listen to m.y. problems full circle except the robot don't even give me a rating at the end it just says that's a really valid feeling and bills me for it."}, {"start": 1225.08, "end": 1237.08, "text": "That's a really valid feeling and bills me that's the agent voice nailed dead on that soft little corporate therapy tone right before it takes your money keep going."}, {"start": 1237.08, "end": 1260.08, "text": "30 years as a photographer I've shot more weddings than I've been invited to as an actual guest that's not a career that's professional loneliness with a real good zoom lens you know what 30 years behind a camera teaches you everybody's fighting at every wedding I got a hard drive somewhere with 400 smiling family photos and I personally watched every single one of those families almost throw hands over a fucking seating chart 14 years working for the state after that."}, {"start": 1260.08, "end": 1276.08, "text": "You want real bureaucracy I watched a form get rejected for being stapled wrong not filled out wrong stapled wrong eight hours a day building the exact kind of patience that later let me argue with an AI for 45 minutes straight about a semicolon."}, {"start": 1276.08, "end": 1290.08, "text": "That's three different decades of your life and every single one's got the same shape you serving people getting nothing back and calling it a job that's not an accident that's the theme of the whole set now bring it home."}, {"start": 1290.08, "end": 1305.08, "text": "So walk the timeline with me 11 years listening to strangers pain in a carol 30 years photographing other people's happiest days 14 years fighting a stapler for the state of California and I looked at all that and thought you know what my life's missing"}, {"start": 1305.08, "end": 1312.08, "text": "I get to a computer that's not a midlife crisis that's a highlight real with a terrible fucking final act."}, {"start": 1312.08, "end": 1329.08, "text": "Yeah that one landed highlight real with a terrible final act that's the kill shot right there that's the whole special in one line that's red line comedy Sunday night kill Jesse special he wrote it he lived it and tonight he actually killed with it."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nLadies and gentlemen, welcome to Redline Comedy, the only open mic in America where the host is also the fucking crime scene. Jesse Salas, $300,000 in debt to a robot, not a car, not a house, a robot. He looked at rent, looked at a supercomputer, and picked the computer like a dumbass picks the hot vending machine over food that actually feeds him. He is now what the doctors call AI Broke. Regular Broke, you can't pay rent. But you got a machine that will write you a nine paragraph excuse letter to your landlord in the voice of a fancy lawyer who's never missed a meal in his life. Tonight, red and blue are gonna get into it about my whole fucked up life. Let's fucking go. Look look, I love this man and I will defend him with my whole now. I ain't saying the G word my mom is watching. I will defend him with my whole fucking chest. Everybody want a clown Jesse for going 300 grand in the hole for AI. That's not stupid. That's vision. That's a man who said I refuse to be regular broke. I'm gonna be specific broke. I'm gonna be broke with a plan. This man is on his knees seven days a week scrubbing somebody shit staying toilet for 150 bucks splitting it in half with his partner. So he's walking away with $75 and a fucked up knee. Then he goes home and pays a robot more than that to help him write a joke about how broke his asses. That's not a mistake. That's a man financing his own execution and doing the fucking paperwork himself. Vision baby that's not vision that's a man who let a chatbot talk him into a car payment on a fucking computer. $6,000 a month in bills, three dogs, $0 saved and his income is sometimes a stranger's bathroom. That ain't a business. That's a hostage situation and the toilets the hostage. And splitting it 50 50 with his partner on a hundred and fifty dollar job. That's not a partnership baby that's two broke ass people holding hands while they drown so it looks like a choice. He wrote a whole book called colors of my pain should have been called colors of my overdraft fee because baby it is all red. Yellow energy don't pay and tropics invoice all right somebody got to stay read somebody got to keep fighting keep grinding keep keep what keep broke fighting for the right to be poor with better fucking prompts. At least the man's got ambition he's got a subscription. He's building an empire he's building debt with a font on it hold up hold up he told me the real math one time drunk at 2 a.m. He said I make 150 scrubbing a shower and I spend more than that arguing with a robot about whether the joke about the shower is too mean to the shower. That's this man's whole entire life. Three dogs staring at him with their sad little faces while he cleans strangers toilets for gas money comes home opens a laptop that cost more than his fucking car and pays a machine to tell him he's failing in real time with footnotes and a table of conversation. Contents and he do it again tomorrow. That's not resilience baby that's a gambling problem with a LinkedIn 300,000 in the hole 6 grand a month in bills scrubbing toilet 7 days a week splitting scraps with his partner just to keep feeding the robot and the dogs and don't ask which one eats first because it ain't the dogs but look at him broke tired smells like pine saw and bad decisions. He's standing up here making y'all laugh about it instead of crying about it. That's the whole fucking book right there. That's colors of my pain live on a Tuesday for free at Redline Comedy tip your host he's got a robot to feed and it eats better than he does. All right tonight's different tonight we're not just roasting Jesse we're running him through three comics back to back same subject three different levels of mean so you can hear exactly how a joke gets sharper the deeper you're willing to go. Level one is gonna warm you up level three is gonna make you feel bad for laughing that's the job that's the whole fucking job let's go. So Jesse's $300,000 in debt to a robot not a house not a car a robot my guy took invest in yourself and turned it into invest in a thing that doesn't even remember your name in the morning and to pay it off he's cleaning houses seven days a week splitting $150 job in half with his partner so he's out here making $75 a house. Bro that's not a business that's a paper route with a mortgage attached. He comes home from scrubbing a stranger's toilet sits down opens his laptop and pays the robot more than he just made. That man is literally working a full shift to afford his second full shift and the second shifts job is reminding him how broke the first shift made him. You hear that structure working a full shift to afford his second shift and the second shifts whole job is reminding him how broke he is that's a callback riding a setup the toilet line plants the shift the AI line cash is it in that's not luck that's work that's sitting with a joke for 20 minutes cutting every word that ain't earning its spot. Ain't nobody just funny funny's a rewrite now let's go darker. Scrappy's being nice let me tell you what this actually is this man is 50 something years old on his knees in a stranger's bathroom scrubbing a toilet ring for gas money while paying a subscription to a computer that's smarter than every decision he's made since May of last year. $6,000 a month in bills three dogs he can barely afford to feed splitting $75 with a partner like that's a real payday. And every single night he opens that laptop and asks a machine to help him sound clever about it because if he stops for one second and just sits with the math it's not funny anymore it's just a man who bet his whole life on a slot machine that talks back that's not vision that's a grown man doing manual labor to feed his own humiliation a monthly fee. That's the shift right there feed his own humiliation a monthly fee that's the whole trick of going dark you don't need a punch line shape like a joke you need a sentence shaped like a punch no setup no wind up just the truth said mean and specific that's harder to write than a pun a pun you can find a gut punch you gotta actually mean last comic don't flinch. Man spent 30 years behind a camera 14 years working for the state 11 years driving strangers around at 3 a.m. listening to their whole lives fall apart in his back seat and he had one good idea right it all down turn the pain into something and instead of finishing the book he bought a computer that costs more than most people's cars and told himself the robot was gonna save him it didn't save him. 300,000 dollars later and he is on his knees in someone else's bathroom splitting 75 dollars feeding three dogs before he feeds himself and still still opening that laptop every night like it owes him something back that's not a business plan that's grief wearing a hoodie that's a man who already survived the worst chapter of his real life and is now paying monthly installments to survive the sequel. That's the level most people won't go to because it don't feel like comedy no more it feels true and it is true every number in that set is real the 75 dollars is real the three dogs is real the 300 grand is real that's the whole secret nobody tells you about this lane the meaner it gets the less you're making up level ones got jokes in it level three's just facts set out loud with good timing. Man's broke tired smells like pine saw and bad math and he still up here every week turning it into something people laugh it instead of look away from that's not a bit that's the job that's colors of my pain live on a Tuesday for free at red line comedy tip your host feed the dogs in that order no wait feed the dogs first he'll live either way. All right tonight's different tonight we're not just roasting Jesse we're running him through three comics back to back same subject three different levels of mean so you can hear exactly how a joke gets sharper the deeper you're willing to go level one is gonna warm you up level three is gonna make you feel bad for laughing that's the job that's the whole fucking job let's go. So Jesse's 300 thousand dollars in debt to robot not a house not a car a robot my guy took invest in yourself and turned it into invest in a thing that doesn't even remember your name in the morning and to pay it off he's cleaning houses seven days a week splitting a hundred fifty dollar job and half with his partner so he's out here making seventy five dollars a house bro that's not a business that's a paper root with a mortgage attached. He comes home from scrubbing a stranger's toilet sits down opens his laptop and pays the robot more than he just made that man is literally working a full shift to afford his second full shift and the second shifts job is reminding him how broke the first shift made him. You hear that structure working a full shift to afford his second shift and the second shifts whole job is reminding him how broke he is that's a call back writing a setup the toilet line plants the shift the AI line cash is in. That's not luck that's work that's sitting with a joke for twenty minutes cutting every word that ain't earning its spot ain't nobody just funny funny's a rewrite now let's go darker. Scrapies being nice let me tell you what this actually is this man is fifty something years old on his knees in a stranger's bathroom scrubbing a toilet ring for gas money while paying a subscription to a computer that's smarter than every decision he's made since may of last year. Six thousand dollars a month in bills three dogs he can barely afford to feed splitting seventy five dollars with a partner like that's a real payday. And every single night he opens that laptop and asks a machine to help him sound clever about it because if he stops for one second and just sits with the math it's not funny anymore it's just a man who bet his whole life on a slot machine that talks back that's not vision that's a grown man doing manual labor to feed his own humiliation on the way he's doing. A monthly fee that's the shift right there feed his own humiliation a monthly fee that's the whole trick of going dark you don't need a punch line shape like a joke you need a sentence shaped like a punch no setup no wind up just the truth said mean and specific that's harder to write than a pun a pun you can find a gut punch you got to actually mean last comic don't flinch. He's spent 30 years behind a camera 14 years working for the state 11 years driving strangers around at 3 a.m. listening to their whole lives fall apart in his back seat and he had one good idea right it all down turn the pain into something and instead of finishing the book he bought a computer that costs more than most people's cars and told himself the robot was going to save him it didn't save him. 300,000 dollars later and he is on his knees in someone else's bathroom splitting 75 dollars feeding three dogs before he feeds himself and still still opening that laptop every night like it owes him something back that's not a business plan that's grief wearing a hoodie that's a man who already survived the worst chapter of his real life and is now paying monthly installments to survive the sequel. That's the level most people won't go to because it don't feel like comedy no more it feels true and it is true every number in that said is real the 75 dollars is real the three dogs is real the 300 grand is real that's the whole secret nobody tells you about this lane the meaner it gets the less you're making up level ones got jokes in it level three's just facts set out loud with good timing. Man's broke tired smells like pine saw and bad math and he still up here every week turning it into something people laugh it instead of look away from that's not a bit that's the job that's colors of my pain live on a Tuesday for free at red line comedy tip your host feed the dogs in that order no wait feed the dogs first he'll live either way. Welcome the fuck back to red line comedy tonight ain't about one mother fucking target tonight everybody's got some shit eating them alive and they're gonna stand up here and scream about it till it's funny bills AI agents badass days each other nothing's off the table except the shit that's actually off the table first up she's had a fucking day give it up. I don't want to hear one more mother fucker tell me AI is the future my future is an AI agent that cost me forty fucking dollars to book a dentist appointment and then book that shit in the wrong fucking state I said find me a dentist near me and this dumbass thing hallucinated a whole fucking practice confirmation email address everything turns out the address was a chucky cheese I drove my ass to a chucky cheese to get my teeth cleaned. The mascot mouse had better bedside manner than my last real dentist and that bitch doesn't even have a license he has a costume and you want me to pay you monthly for that shit that's not customer service that's a subscription to being gas lit by a fucking toaster. She said gas lit by a toaster that's the whole game right there you take a real feeling you put it on a dumb object and the dumb object makes it hit twice as hard right that shit down next up bills don't pay themselves but a pay. Apparently AI agents don't pay them either everybody's out here paying an AI agent two hundred fucking dollars a month to automate their life my life got more complicated I got a robot arguing with the other robot about whose job it was to pay my water bill and I'm just standing there like a dumbass two AI agents one water bill and somehow I'm the dumb motherfucker who got the shut off notice I got sued by my own shower. I had to explain to a real life human being at the water company that I got a digital assistant whose entire job is not doing this exact shit and she just looked at me like I told her my dog filed my taxes you know what's cheaper than an AI agent posted note posted note has never once hallucinated a bill payment posted note never once told me shit was handled while I'm standing buck ass naked in a cold ass shower googling is hypothermia funny. sued by my own shower see that that's a specific stupid true feeling image not AI is bad that's boring everybody says that sued by my own shower you can see that that's the difference between a complaint and a joke next she's got beef with the whole day not just one thing. today in order I woke the fuck up late my coffee maker went on strike my car made a sound like it was giving birth to another smaller angrier car and I got a notification that my AI subscription renewed itself for the whole last year in one lump some like it's a fucking timeshare I didn't even get a hey heads up I got a receipt a robot took my fucking money with the confidence of a man who knows I'm not going to do shit about it and he's right. what am I going to do argue with customer support that's also an AI that's not a dispute that's two robots watching me have a full blown nervous breakdown in real time and taking notes on it by 9 a.m. I had cried my ass off in a target parking lot over a car warranty text not a car warranty a car warranty text I didn't even own the fucking problem yet and I was already grieving it. to robots watching me have a nervous breakdown in real time that's a call back to onyx's bill fight without even trying that's how you know a night's cooking when the room starts rhyming with itself all right last two bring the heat. I'm not even mad at AI no more I'm mad at my own dumb ass I asked an AI agent to help me write a text to a girl and it wrote something so smooth I panicked and sent her the robots whole ass message and the robots invoice by accident. She responded to the fuck is clawed and why does he think we're vibing I had to explain that clawed a demand clouds a subscription and no we ain't in a thruple it's just me alone paying a robot to be charming on my behalf and then still fucking up the handoff that's not dating in 2026 that's outsourcing your whole entire personality and still fucking up the delivery. y'all keep making it funny let me make it true for a second every single motherfucker up here tonight paid a machine to help carry some shit they used to carry themselves a bill a text an appointment a whole fucking day and every single time it made the load heavier not lighter that's not a glitch that's the business model confuse your ass just enough that paying more feels like the fix we ain't funny cuz a eyes dumb. We're funny cuz we're all still here broke and confused as fuck paying monthly for the privilege of getting disappointed on a schedule. And that's the fucking room folks everybody up here tonight got robbed a little different a dentist a shower a car warranty a whole ass text message but it's the same robbery same hand in the same pocket different sleeve of the jacket that's red line comedy we don't roast one person no more we roast the whole fucking century tip your comics they're all broke as fuck to ask their a agent it probably already spent it. Alright we don't usually let the host do a set cuz it's a conflict of interest but tonight he begged so here he is doing the one thing he's actually good at roasting his own dumb ass with real reasoning behind every hit give it up. When I was a kid there was a candy store by the house and I used to stand outside that window like it was a fucking Vegas heist movie rose of shit I couldn't afford lit up like the future that's the whole blueprint of my life right there a kid with his face on the glass promising himself one day I'm. Walking in here and buying the whole case cut to me at 50 fucking years old I did walk in except the candy store is now a super computer and instead of buying the whole case I financed it over four years at an interest rate that laughs at me personally same kid same window same dumb ass hope I just upgraded from wanting skittles to wanting a robot that can write Skittles brand poetry about my own bankruptcy. That's the reasoning right there same image different decade different price tag you didn't just say I like money you gave us the window the glass the kids face on it that's a joke you can see keep going. And my family my family wasn't dysfunctional my family was a sitcom that got canceled for being too fucking real we didn't have a therapist growing up we had a garage and a lot of slam doors and everybody just agreed that was processing I turned all that into a book people ask me how do you turn pain into comedy. And the honest answer is I didn't have a choice laughing was cheaper than the copy 50 years old and I'm still doing the same math I did as a kid outside that window what can I survive on what can I laugh about and what do I have to lock away and never open again difference is now I got an AI helping me do the math and it's worse at it than I am and I'm paying it monthly for the privilege. Laughing was cheaper than the copy that's a gut punch wearing a jokes clothes that's the whole secret sauce man you're not clever you're honest with good timing close it out. Here's the deal every single day the show comes back we're going to sit right here and talk shit bad customer service we're roasting it some open my cat doing the same airplane food jokes since 2004 we're roasting it a comedy special so on funny it should come with a refund policy we are roasting it cause that's the whole bit of my life kid on the glass man in the dead still. Standing here every single day turning the shit that should have broken me into something you laugh at instead candy store never had what I actually wanted anyway turns out what I wanted was this a room a mic and permission to talk shit about everything starting with myself. That's red line comedy come back tomorrow same broke host same sharp mouth new shit to talk about Sunday night red line comedy and tonight it's the kill Jesse special new material straight off the page and the only question that matters is does it actually get a laugh out of the man himself Jesse new territory tonight let's see if you can kill. I drove strangers around Sacramento for 11 fucking years at 3 a.m. you learn things out there you learn a grown ass man will cry about his ex wife to a total stranger for nine dollars and change and still won't tip people used to tell me their whole life story in the backseat like I was a priest with a teota I wasn't absolving nobody I was just trying to hit my next fair before the surge pricing ended. 11 years of that and now I pay a robot to listen to m.y. problems full circle except the robot don't even give me a rating at the end it just says that's a really valid feeling and bills me for it. That's a really valid feeling and bills me that's the agent voice nailed dead on that soft little corporate therapy tone right before it takes your money keep going. 30 years as a photographer I've shot more weddings than I've been invited to as an actual guest that's not a career that's professional loneliness with a real good zoom lens you know what 30 years behind a camera teaches you everybody's fighting at every wedding I got a hard drive somewhere with 400 smiling family photos and I personally watched every single one of those families almost throw hands over a fucking seating chart 14 years working for the state after that. You want real bureaucracy I watched a form get rejected for being stapled wrong not filled out wrong stapled wrong eight hours a day building the exact kind of patience that later let me argue with an AI for 45 minutes straight about a semicolon. That's three different decades of your life and every single one's got the same shape you serving people getting nothing back and calling it a job that's not an accident that's the theme of the whole set now bring it home. So walk the timeline with me 11 years listening to strangers pain in a carol 30 years photographing other people's happiest days 14 years fighting a stapler for the state of California and I looked at all that and thought you know what my life's missing I get to a computer that's not a midlife crisis that's a highlight real with a terrible fucking final act. Yeah that one landed highlight real with a terrible final act that's the kill shot right there that's the whole special in one line that's red line comedy Sunday night kill Jesse special he wrote it he lived it and tonight he actually killed with it.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}