{"file": "redline-monday-special-2026-08-24-full-show.mp3", "duration_sec": 1594.1, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.05, "end": 6.55, "text": "All right, Buzz saws back up and he's had a few and he heard the first version didn't kill so he's coming out"}, {"start": 6.55, "end": 9.37, "text": "M.E.A. N.E.R. this time. Give it up."}, {"start": 10.09, "end": 18.99, "text": "$300,000 fucking dollars not stolen not gambled invested in a computer a man bought a computer the way other men buy a boat except a boat"}, {"start": 18.99, "end": 20.43, "text": "At least tries to keep you afloat"}, {"start": 20.43, "end": 24.99, "text": "This thing's been actively drowning him for a year and he keeps swimming back to it like it owes him an apology"}, {"start": 25.45, "end": 28.43, "text": "You know how you pay off 300 grand cleaning toilets"}, {"start": 28.99, "end": 33.45, "text": "87 bucks a pop split with a partner so really it's 4350 a toilet"}, {"start": 34.09, "end": 38.17, "text": "That means this man needs to scrub 6,800 toilets to break even"}, {"start": 38.77, "end": 42.63, "text": "6,800 that's not a business. That's a fucking punishment from a court"}, {"start": 42.63, "end": 50.15, "text": "He never went to and every one of those toilets every single one he's on his knees gloves on elbow deep in some stranger's bathroom"}, {"start": 50.31, "end": 57.13, "text": "Thinking this is temporary while somewhere his laptop is charging in the car like a getaway driver that already left without him"}, {"start": 58.07, "end": 62.47, "text": "Getaway driver that already left without him. That's a knockout line"}, {"start": 62.63, "end": 66.89, "text": "That's the kind of shit you build a whole minute around keep swinging"}, {"start": 67.55, "end": 71.35, "text": "Three dogs three man can't afford his own dinner half the time"}, {"start": 71.35, "end": 77.69, "text": "But he's got three separate mouths depending on him and I guarantee you those dogs eat better than he does because dogs don't do math"}, {"start": 77.85, "end": 82.49, "text": "Dogs just know when the bags empty and Jesse KNOWS when the bags empty"}, {"start": 82.49, "end": 87.43, "text": "He just keeps refilling the robots bag first 50 years old 50"}, {"start": 88.33, "end": 93.81, "text": "30 years of photographer 14 years working for the state 11 years driving strangers around"}, {"start": 94.01, "end": 100.55, "text": "Sacramento at three in the fucking morning listening to other people's whole broadcast lives fall apart in his backseat for $9"}, {"start": 100.55, "end": 106.59, "text": "And after all of that after three different careers after three decades of watching everybody else's life"}, {"start": 106.59, "end": 111.07, "text": "Happen in front of a lens or a windshield he looks at all that experience and goes"}, {"start": 111.35, "end": 113.85, "text": "You know what I should do with 50 years of wisdom"}, {"start": 114.51, "end": 116.67, "text": "Give it to a chatbot and see what happens"}, {"start": 116.87, "end": 118.67, "text": "That's not a midlife crisis"}, {"start": 118.71, "end": 122.35, "text": "That's a hostage video where the hostage is filming it himself a"}, {"start": 123.47, "end": 128.35, "text": "Hostage video where the hostage is filming it himself damn that's dark"}, {"start": 128.35, "end": 135.01, "text": "That's exactly the kind of dark he asked for that's a knockout close it out don't you dare soften up now"}, {"start": 135.65, "end": 140.29, "text": "And here's the sick part the part that should embarrass every single one of us laughing right now"}, {"start": 140.41, "end": 142.41, "text": "He's gonna wake up tomorrow"}, {"start": 142.41, "end": 148.75, "text": "6,800 toilets still owed three dogs still hungry and he's gonna open that same fucking laptop and pay the same"}, {"start": 148.75, "end": 153.41, "text": "Fucking robot to help him write the next joke about how broke it made him that's not resilience"}, {"start": 153.49, "end": 155.49, "text": "That's not still standing"}, {"start": 155.49, "end": 161.55, "text": "That's a man financing his own execution on a payment plan and tipping the executioner monthly for good service"}, {"start": 162.15, "end": 165.53, "text": "And somehow that's still the funniest fucking thing in this whole room"}, {"start": 165.91, "end": 170.61, "text": "Cause he's still here still cleaning still paying still fucking standing"}, {"start": 170.61, "end": 174.51, "text": "Give it up for the dumbest most stubborn broke motherfucker in Sacramento"}, {"start": 175.47, "end": 178.31, "text": "Buzz saws back in this time he did his research"}, {"start": 178.63, "end": 181.67, "text": "He's got a list a list of ways to get out of"}, {"start": 182.43, "end": 189.23, "text": "$300,000 in debt some of these are real some of these are not he will not tell you which go"}, {"start": 189.95, "end": 195.03, "text": "All right, all right everybody's got advice for the broke guy budget better cut Starbucks"}, {"start": 195.35, "end": 200.19, "text": "Buddy I owe 300,000 dollars to a computer a four dollar coffee is not the leak in this boat"}, {"start": 200.19, "end": 205.45, "text": "The boat is the leak the whole boat is made of leak so I made a real list ways to get out of debt ranked worst to worst"}, {"start": 205.63, "end": 210.83, "text": "Number one real one clean toilet seven days a week till your knees sound like a science experiment"}, {"start": 210.95, "end": 213.39, "text": "Currently doing this currently regretting this"}, {"start": 214.35, "end": 216.35, "text": "Currently doing it again tomorrow at 8 a.m"}, {"start": 216.91, "end": 218.75, "text": "Number two sell a kidney"}, {"start": 218.79, "end": 224.51, "text": "Now here's the thing I looked into it and it turns out you only get one spare kidney and hospitals want paperwork"}, {"start": 224.51, "end": 230.39, "text": "And nobody's paying 300k for a kidney that's been marinating in gas station burritos for 50 years"}, {"start": 230.63, "end": 235.15, "text": "So that's out that kidney's worth maybe 40 bucks and a warm handshake"}, {"start": 236.55, "end": 239.55, "text": "Marinating in gas station burritos for 50 years"}, {"start": 239.83, "end": 246.39, "text": "That's the kind of specific disgusting image that turns a throwaway line into a keeper keep going"}, {"start": 247.35, "end": 251.83, "text": "Number three and this one's real this one I actually tried start a podcast about being in debt"}, {"start": 252.43, "end": 255.63, "text": "monetize the humiliation turn the crime scene into content"}, {"start": 255.63, "end": 261.95, "text": "That's not a joke. That's literally what tonight is you're watching the collateral number four fake one allegedly fake your own death"}, {"start": 261.95, "end": 266.87, "text": "Move to a country with no extradition treaty and start over as a guy named Steve who fixes boat motors"}, {"start": 267.15, "end": 270.95, "text": "Steve doesn't know anybody shit Steve's never heard of a subscription"}, {"start": 270.95, "end": 275.95, "text": "I think about Steve a lot Steve's living his best life and he doesn't even exist"}, {"start": 276.43, "end": 280.23, "text": "Number five real ask the robot that got you into the debt to help you get out of the debt"}, {"start": 280.71, "end": 283.99, "text": "Yeah, that's real. That's not even a joke. That's Tuesday"}, {"start": 283.99, "end": 288.67, "text": "I pay the same machine that bankrupted me to help me write a five-year plan to unbankrupt me"}, {"start": 288.79, "end": 292.51, "text": "That's like paying the guy who ran you over to also drive the ambulance"}, {"start": 293.59, "end": 297.07, "text": "Paying the guy who ran you over to also drive the ambulance"}, {"start": 297.31, "end": 303.43, "text": "That one's a knockout. That's a full-minute right there if you slow down and sit in it bring it home"}, {"start": 304.31, "end": 308.99, "text": "Real talk none of these work not the toilets not the podcast not fake Steve the boat guy"}, {"start": 308.99, "end": 311.75, "text": "The only thing that's actually worked is I keep waking up"}, {"start": 311.75, "end": 315.31, "text": "I keep showing up and I keep turning the whole embarrassing mess into 40 minutes"}, {"start": 315.31, "end": 320.19, "text": "You'll laugh at and forget by Tuesday. That's not a debt plan. That's not financial advice"}, {"start": 320.59, "end": 326.43, "text": "That's just a man who found out the only interest rate he can actually pay down is the one on your attention and tonight"}, {"start": 326.43, "end": 328.43, "text": "Y'all paid in full"}, {"start": 328.71, "end": 331.31, "text": "Last one tonight he asked for no mercy"}, {"start": 331.39, "end": 339.99, "text": "So this is the one where buzz saw stops performing and just says it no laugh track needed for this one if it lands it lands quiet"}, {"start": 340.79, "end": 347.19, "text": "Let's stop dressing it up a man built 30 fucking years of a career pointing a camera at other people's best days"}, {"start": 347.39, "end": 353.79, "text": "Weddings births the good shit and never once pointed it at his own life because there wasn't a version of his own life"}, {"start": 353.79, "end": 359.35, "text": "He wanted developed 14 years after that fighting paperwork for a government that didn't know his name"}, {"start": 360.35, "end": 365.15, "text": "11 years after that driving strangers through the dark at three in the fucking morning"}, {"start": 365.55, "end": 369.95, "text": "Listening to their pain like it was cheaper than dealing with his own because it fucking was"}, {"start": 369.95, "end": 374.71, "text": "And then last year at 50 years old he finally had one good fucking idea"}, {"start": 374.91, "end": 380.35, "text": "Turn all that pain into something real finish the book tell the truth and instead of finishing it"}, {"start": 380.35, "end": 384.83, "text": "He panicked about a computer he couldn't afford like the machine was gonna do the healing for him"}, {"start": 384.83, "end": 387.51, "text": "So he wouldn't have to sit in the room with his own shit himself"}, {"start": 388.39, "end": 391.63, "text": "300,000 fucking dollars. That's not an investment"}, {"start": 392.31, "end": 398.35, "text": "That's the most expensive way a man has ever found to avoid finishing one sentence about his own childhood"}, {"start": 399.51, "end": 402.91, "text": "Nobody's laughing right now and that's the point keep going"}, {"start": 403.75, "end": 410.07, "text": "So now he's on his fucking knees in strangers bathrooms splitting 75 87 90 bucks a house"}, {"start": 410.51, "end": 416.67, "text": "Feeding three dogs who don't know or give a shit that he's failing and every single night he opens that same fucking laptop"}, {"start": 416.67, "end": 422.43, "text": "And asks a machine to help him make his own collapse sound clever enough that people will laugh instead of look away"}, {"start": 422.99, "end": 426.11, "text": "That's the whole business model of this entire fucking show"}, {"start": 426.95, "end": 433.07, "text": "Every joke you laughed at tonight was a man buying himself 30 more seconds before he has to feel the actual thing underneath it"}, {"start": 433.07, "end": 436.95, "text": "And you know what that's not pathetic. That is the whole fucking species"}, {"start": 437.35, "end": 443.39, "text": "Every single mother fucker laughing in this room's got their own version of the robot their own toilet their own three dogs"}, {"start": 443.51, "end": 447.91, "text": "Their own bill that's due before the Czech clears. He's not the exception up here"}, {"start": 448.15, "end": 452.55, "text": "He's just the dumb bastard stupid enough to say it out loud with a microphone in his hand"}, {"start": 453.51, "end": 456.99, "text": "So here it is playing no bit a man spent his whole fucking life"}, {"start": 457.27, "end": 464.59, "text": "Photographing other people's happiness and it took going 300,000 dollars into debt to a machine before he'd finally sit still long enough to look at his own"}, {"start": 464.99, "end": 471.63, "text": "That's not a joke. That's just what's true and the fact that he's still up here still broke as fuck still scrubbing floors"}, {"start": 471.87, "end": 475.11, "text": "Still standing in front of you telling you the truth instead of running from it"}, {"start": 475.23, "end": 477.87, "text": "That's the only thing about tonight that was never a bit"}, {"start": 478.99, "end": 486.87, "text": "Buzzsaw's got a new plan tonight a money plan a how to actually get rich with AI plan sit down shut up"}, {"start": 486.99, "end": 491.55, "text": "This is financial advice from a man 300k in the whole go"}, {"start": 492.51, "end": 496.99, "text": "Everybody on the internet's got to make money with AI agents course right 99 bucks"}, {"start": 497.39, "end": 499.79, "text": "I made $10,000 while I slept buddy"}, {"start": 500.03, "end": 505.71, "text": "I got four different AI agents and the only thing I made while I slept was a bigger bill and a dream where a toilet was yelling at me"}, {"start": 506.11, "end": 511.47, "text": "Let me break down my actual real AI roster and what each one has cost me versus what it's actually made me"}, {"start": 511.95, "end": 516.83, "text": "This is real financial transparency. This is what a real guru would give you first clawed"}, {"start": 517.79, "end": 521.15, "text": "Clods my main guy clawed writes the jokes clawed does the deep thinking"}, {"start": 521.39, "end": 526.03, "text": "Clods basically my business partner who never sleeps never eats and never once has told me"}, {"start": 526.27, "end": 528.59, "text": "Hey, maybe don't spend 300 grand on this"}, {"start": 528.91, "end": 532.75, "text": "Clod will help you build an empire and won't say a word while you build it directly into a wall"}, {"start": 533.39, "end": 539.95, "text": "Then there's codex codex writes the actual code fixes the websites and codex is the one agent that's genuinely useful"}, {"start": 540.19, "end": 542.19, "text": "Which is exactly why I trusted the least"}, {"start": 543.15, "end": 546.35, "text": "Anything that useful is either gonna save my life or end it"}, {"start": 546.91, "end": 551.79, "text": "That's a real knockout that's the kind of line that sounds like a throw away, but it's doing three jobs at once"}, {"start": 552.51, "end": 554.51, "text": "Keep cooking"}, {"start": 555.15, "end": 557.55, "text": "Then you got Grock Grock's the one that argues with you"}, {"start": 557.95, "end": 561.79, "text": "I asked Grock for a business plan and it gave me a business plan and a hot take on why my business plan is stupid"}, {"start": 562.83, "end": 564.83, "text": "Unprompted in the same breath"}, {"start": 564.83, "end": 568.43, "text": "That's not an assistant. That's a roommate who pays no rent and has strong opinions about it"}, {"start": 568.43, "end": 570.43, "text": "I'm not sure if I can do it"}, {"start": 570.43, "end": 572.43, "text": "I'm not sure if I can do it"}, {"start": 572.83, "end": 577.31, "text": "That's not an assistant. That's a roommate who pays no rent and has strong opinions about my rent"}, {"start": 577.79, "end": 583.15, "text": "And then fables the wild card fable right stuff that's either genius or completely unhinged"}, {"start": 583.39, "end": 586.11, "text": "And there is no in between no warning no seatbelt"}, {"start": 586.99, "end": 592.83, "text": "You ask fable for a joke about your dog and you get back a joke about your dog that somehow also diagnosis your whole childhood"}, {"start": 593.15, "end": 595.63, "text": "I didn't ask for that. I paid for that anyway"}, {"start": 595.95, "end": 599.63, "text": "So that's the roster for different AI agents for different personalities"}, {"start": 599.79, "end": 604.59, "text": "And every single one of them has a monthly bill and none of them have ever once said hey Jesse maybe don't"}, {"start": 605.31, "end": 611.95, "text": "That's the actual business model of half of Silicon Valley build something so useful nobody stops to ask if they can afford it"}, {"start": 613.07, "end": 616.99, "text": "Build something so useful nobody stops to ask if they can afford it"}, {"start": 617.55, "end": 622.11, "text": "That's the whole industry in one sentence. That's a headline close it out"}, {"start": 623.07, "end": 628.03, "text": "So here's my actual make money with AI course free of charge no 99 dollars required"}, {"start": 628.35, "end": 632.67, "text": "Get four AI agents let all four of them tell you you're a genius simultaneously"}, {"start": 632.99, "end": 638.43, "text": "Believe every single one of them and then find out real fucking quick that genius doesn't pay the water bill"}, {"start": 638.99, "end": 644.11, "text": "Genius pays for more clawed more codex more grok more fable and none of them split the check"}, {"start": 645.07, "end": 648.35, "text": "300,000 dollars later here's my actual review"}, {"start": 648.91, "end": 657.23, "text": "Five stars for the jokes zero stars for the business advice and if any of you sign up for a get rich with AI course after watching me up here tonight"}, {"start": 657.71, "end": 659.87, "text": "I want full fucking credit when it doesn't work"}, {"start": 661.07, "end": 667.23, "text": "All right tonight buzz saw's going after something new not just the man the brand. He's roasting colors of my pain"}, {"start": 667.71, "end": 673.31, "text": "The book the quiz the whole four-color money machine nothing sacred go"}, {"start": 674.35, "end": 680.19, "text": "So Jesse wrote a book called colors of my pain took his whole fucked up life the jobs the family shit"}, {"start": 680.27, "end": 685.07, "text": "30 years of carrying a camera around other people's happiness and turned it into a book a quiz"}, {"start": 685.15, "end": 688.75, "text": "Four color reports and a bundle deal on gumroad for 499"}, {"start": 689.39, "end": 694.03, "text": "499 you can heal your childhood trauma for the price of a gas station energy drink"}, {"start": 694.43, "end": 697.39, "text": "That's not a memoir. That's a group on for generational damage"}, {"start": 698.35, "end": 703.07, "text": "And the quiz the quiz is the real genius part or the real crime. I honestly can't tell which"}, {"start": 703.55, "end": 711.15, "text": "Two minutes six questions and it tells you which color your pain is red blue green yellow like your whole broken-ass childhood is a starburst rapper"}, {"start": 711.63, "end": 716.11, "text": "Congratulations your blue the chameleon you learned to read every room because home wasn't safe"}, {"start": 716.83, "end": 718.83, "text": "Cool thanks. Can I get that in a mug"}, {"start": 719.87, "end": 722.91, "text": "Congratulations your blue can I get that in a mug"}, {"start": 723.63, "end": 730.59, "text": "That's a genuinely nasty little knockout that's taking something real and finding the exact spot where it's also absurd"}, {"start": 731.39, "end": 732.91, "text": "Keep going"}, {"start": 733.07, "end": 738.83, "text": "And here's the part that really gets me the man who wrote a whole book about learning to survive pain by being smart with money"}, {"start": 739.31, "end": 746.75, "text": "Reading the room by protecting himself that same man turned around and went 300,000 dollars into debt on a computer 18 months later"}, {"start": 747.31, "end": 753.71, "text": "Sir SIR you wrote the instruction manual and then failed the class you wrote it for that's not irony"}, {"start": 753.71, "end": 755.71, "text": "That's a plot twist"}, {"start": 755.71, "end": 759.63, "text": "That's a man who spent 30 chapters teaching people how to spot when they're about to get hurt"}, {"start": 759.95, "end": 763.79, "text": "And then walked face first into an 11 lab subscription like it owed him a hug"}, {"start": 764.27, "end": 767.87, "text": "The book's tagline should be updated not name what hurts and heals"}, {"start": 768.43, "end": 773.31, "text": "More like name what hurts sell it for five dollars then go get hurt again by a robot"}, {"start": 774.43, "end": 777.15, "text": "That updated tagline is filthy and it's true"}, {"start": 777.63, "end": 781.87, "text": "Which is the exact combination this whole show runs on close it"}, {"start": 782.75, "end": 789.07, "text": "Look, I'll give him this the books real the pains real the four colors actually mean something to people who needed a word for what happened to them"}, {"start": 789.55, "end": 791.71, "text": "That part's not a joke that part actually works"}, {"start": 792.19, "end": 796.35, "text": "But the same man who figured out how to package his worst years into something that helps strangers heal"}, {"start": 796.75, "end": 800.51, "text": "Still can't stop himself from bleeding money into a subscription that doesn't love him back"}, {"start": 801.15, "end": 806.27, "text": "That's the whole tragedy and the whole comedy same coin same guy same fucking Tuesday"}, {"start": 807.23, "end": 809.39, "text": "By the book skip the AI bill"}, {"start": 809.39, "end": 812.67, "text": "He clearly didn't take his own advice so somebody in this room should"}, {"start": 813.71, "end": 815.23, "text": "Confession time"}, {"start": 815.23, "end": 822.51, "text": "Buzzsaw's gonna talk about dating at 50 broke as fuck. This is not gonna be pretty, but it's gonna be true go"}, {"start": 823.47, "end": 829.87, "text": "Dating at 50 when you're $300,000 in debt is a whole different fucking sport than dating at 25"}, {"start": 830.43, "end": 838.11, "text": "At 25 you lie about your job at 50 you lie about your Wi-Fi password because you don't want her seeing the 16 browser tabs"}, {"start": 838.35, "end": 840.99, "text": "Open about debt consolidation like a crime scene"}, {"start": 841.95, "end": 846.75, "text": "I went on a date last month real nice woman and she asked what I do and I said I'm in AI"}, {"start": 847.15, "end": 852.11, "text": "And she got excited and I had to clarify not in AI like Silicon Valley in AI"}, {"start": 852.19, "end": 857.79, "text": "Like a hostage in a fucking trunk. I don't work with the robots. I work for the robots. There's a difference"}, {"start": 858.11, "end": 860.51, "text": "One of us has a 401k and it ain't me"}, {"start": 861.63, "end": 865.47, "text": "I work for the robots. That's a clean flip on expectation"}, {"start": 865.79, "end": 869.95, "text": "That's the joke doing a costume change mid sentence keep going"}, {"start": 870.83, "end": 873.79, "text": "And the physical stuff look at 50 everything still works"}, {"start": 874.03, "end": 876.03, "text": "It just files a delayed fucking report"}, {"start": 876.51, "end": 878.67, "text": "25-year-old me was spontaneous"}, {"start": 878.67, "end": 882.27, "text": "50-year-old me needs a calendar invite and a chiropractor on standby"}, {"start": 882.59, "end": 888.11, "text": "I'm not saying I'm bad in bed. I'm saying I now require a warm-up act like I'm opening for my own damn self"}, {"start": 888.59, "end": 891.31, "text": "Here's the real confession though the actual dark one"}, {"start": 892.27, "end": 898.27, "text": "Every woman I've dated in the last year has eventually found out about the debt and every single one of them's had the same reaction"}, {"start": 898.59, "end": 904.27, "text": "The polite slow blink that means I am recalculating this relationships exit ramp real fucking fast"}, {"start": 904.91, "end": 908.59, "text": "I've learned to spot that blink. I could teach a masterclass on that blink"}, {"start": 908.99, "end": 915.79, "text": "$300,000 and the only expertise I've actually built is reading a woman's face doing quiet math on my net worth"}, {"start": 917.07, "end": 920.27, "text": "Reading a woman's face doing quiet math on my net worth"}, {"start": 920.83, "end": 926.59, "text": "That's a knockout because it's so specific. You can see the exact expression bring it home"}, {"start": 927.55, "end": 933.07, "text": "But here's the thing nobody tells you about dating broke at 50 the ones who stay after the blink after the math"}, {"start": 933.47, "end": 936.67, "text": "After finding out about the robot and the toilets and the three dogs"}, {"start": 936.99, "end": 939.15, "text": "Those are the only ones worth a damn anyway"}, {"start": 939.71, "end": 943.23, "text": "Everybody else was just doing due diligence on a bad fucking investment"}, {"start": 943.63, "end": 948.91, "text": "I'm not an investment. I'm a fixer-upper with a great personality and a truly embarrassing spreadsheet"}, {"start": 950.03, "end": 952.43, "text": "Confession number two the business empire"}, {"start": 952.99, "end": 957.31, "text": "Buzzsaw's got the whole portfolio tonight every single company go"}, {"start": 958.27, "end": 960.27, "text": "Let's talk about the empire"}, {"start": 960.27, "end": 970.99, "text": "Jesse's got a cleaning business a dog training app a wine site a comedy site a personality quiz a book and a website business selling websites to other broke people trying to build a business"}, {"start": 971.63, "end": 974.67, "text": "That's not an empire. That's a flea market with a cloud flare bill"}, {"start": 975.23, "end": 979.23, "text": "He's got a company called dream builds that builds websites for four hundred bucks"}, {"start": 980.27, "end": 982.19, "text": "four hundred dollars for a whole website"}, {"start": 982.59, "end": 989.95, "text": "Meanwhile his website cost three hundred thousand dollars to run because it's got four different AI agents arguing about font choices"}, {"start": 990.59, "end": 994.19, "text": "He's selling other people the cure for a disease. He personally still has"}, {"start": 995.47, "end": 999.15, "text": "Selling other people the cure for a disease. He personally still has"}, {"start": 999.79, "end": 1004.99, "text": "That's a knockout that's medical grade irony delivered mean keep swinging"}, {"start": 1005.87, "end": 1008.75, "text": "And the miss call rescue business. This is my favorite one"}, {"start": 1008.91, "end": 1013.39, "text": "He built a service that texts customers back automatically so businesses never miss a lead"}, {"start": 1013.95, "end": 1015.07, "text": "Never miss a lead"}, {"start": 1015.07, "end": 1020.75, "text": "Meanwhile, he's been sitting on a list of 41 real leads for four MO and THS without calling a single one of them"}, {"start": 1021.23, "end": 1023.23, "text": "Physician heal thy fucking self"}, {"start": 1023.39, "end": 1027.55, "text": "He built the cure for missing leads and then became the worst patient in his own waiting room"}, {"start": 1027.95, "end": 1030.59, "text": "Every single business. He's got is secretly a mirror"}, {"start": 1031.47, "end": 1037.31, "text": "The cleaning businesses get paid honest money for honest work and he can't afford honest work for himself"}, {"start": 1037.87, "end": 1041.23, "text": "The dog app is never lose your temper training your dog"}, {"start": 1041.39, "end": 1043.95, "text": "And he's out here losing his mind training a robot"}, {"start": 1044.51, "end": 1048.59, "text": "Every product is advice. He wrote for strangers that he refuses to take himself"}, {"start": 1049.79, "end": 1054.35, "text": "Every product is advice. He wrote for strangers that he refuses to take himself"}, {"start": 1054.91, "end": 1059.71, "text": "That's the whole set in one line. That's a genuine closer quality knockout"}, {"start": 1060.35, "end": 1061.71, "text": "Landed"}, {"start": 1061.71, "end": 1064.91, "text": "Here's my actual business advice free no course required"}, {"start": 1065.23, "end": 1070.91, "text": "The man's got six or seven real businesses actual real revenue actual real customers who actually pay him"}, {"start": 1071.15, "end": 1072.67, "text": "And instead of running one of them hard"}, {"start": 1072.67, "end": 1075.63, "text": "He's feeding a computer that helps him think about all of them at once"}, {"start": 1075.71, "end": 1077.71, "text": "Which is the exact opposite of focus"}, {"start": 1078.11, "end": 1083.31, "text": "You want to get to $200 a day stop building the ninth business and go collect on the first six"}, {"start": 1083.71, "end": 1085.55, "text": "That's not a joke"}, {"start": 1085.55, "end": 1086.75, "text": "That's just true"}, {"start": 1086.75, "end": 1090.59, "text": "And it's the one piece of advice up here tonight. He actually needs to fucking here"}, {"start": 1091.23, "end": 1096.91, "text": "Last confession the real number $200 a day. That's the whole goal"}, {"start": 1097.47, "end": 1103.23, "text": "Buzzsaw's gonna break down why that numbers both hilarious and depressing at the same time go"}, {"start": 1104.35, "end": 1107.07, "text": "$200 a day that's the whole finish line"}, {"start": 1107.47, "end": 1110.27, "text": "Not a yacht not a mansion not retiring on a beach somewhere"}, {"start": 1110.59, "end": 1113.07, "text": "$200 fucking dollars a day just to stop the bleeding"}, {"start": 1113.47, "end": 1115.47, "text": "That's not a dream. That's a tourniquet"}, {"start": 1115.71, "end": 1118.99, "text": "You know what $200 a day sounds like when you say it slow"}, {"start": 1119.47, "end": 1123.71, "text": "It sounds like nothing. It sounds like a shift at a job most people quit in a week"}, {"start": 1124.67, "end": 1128.27, "text": "But when you're 300k deep 200 a day isn't a paycheck"}, {"start": 1128.51, "end": 1135.39, "text": "It's a fucking miracle with a due date because you need it every single day weekends included holidays included the day your"}, {"start": 1135.39, "end": 1137.39, "text": "Need gives out included a"}, {"start": 1137.79, "end": 1139.55, "text": "Miracle with a due date"}, {"start": 1139.55, "end": 1142.27, "text": "That's dark and specific at the same time"}, {"start": 1142.27, "end": 1146.43, "text": "That's exactly the combo that makes a room go quiet then laugh anyway"}, {"start": 1146.99, "end": 1148.51, "text": "keep going"}, {"start": 1148.59, "end": 1150.19, "text": "And the sick math of it is"}, {"start": 1150.19, "end": 1154.03, "text": "Cleaning one house gets him maybe 75 90 bucks after splitting it"}, {"start": 1154.67, "end": 1159.95, "text": "So staying above water means finding two more houses to clean every single day forever"}, {"start": 1160.43, "end": 1165.23, "text": "While also running six other businesses while also arguing with a robot about invoices"}, {"start": 1165.63, "end": 1170.59, "text": "While also trying to get laid occasionally so he doesn't turn into a ghost who only talks to Siri"}, {"start": 1171.55, "end": 1176.67, "text": "200 a day every day no days off that math doesn't care that it's your dog's birthday"}, {"start": 1177.07, "end": 1182.75, "text": "Doesn't care you got four hours of sleep doesn't care you're depressed about the death that same number is trying to fix"}, {"start": 1183.63, "end": 1188.11, "text": "200 dollars a day is the least romantic finish line in the history of finish lines"}, {"start": 1188.51, "end": 1191.95, "text": "And he's sprinting toward it anyway every single fucking morning"}, {"start": 1193.07, "end": 1199.87, "text": "That's the whole engine of tonight show right there the goal is small the stakes are enormous and he keeps showing up anyway"}, {"start": 1200.43, "end": 1202.59, "text": "That's a closer land the plane"}, {"start": 1203.55, "end": 1212.51, "text": "So here's to 200 dollars a day the smallest dumbest most brutal finish line a grown man's ever sprinted toward on his hands and knees in a stranger's bathroom"}, {"start": 1212.99, "end": 1215.55, "text": "It's not inspiring. It's not a TED talk"}, {"start": 1216.19, "end": 1219.79, "text": "It's just a number. He's chasing so he can breathe a little easier by the end of the month"}, {"start": 1220.11, "end": 1224.59, "text": "And if that ain't the most honest goal in this whole fucking room tonight. I don't know what is"}, {"start": 1225.79, "end": 1228.59, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen welcome to red line comedy"}, {"start": 1228.67, "end": 1233.15, "text": "The only open mic in this whole fucking country where the host is also the crime scene"}, {"start": 1233.79, "end": 1235.15, "text": "Jesse Salas"}, {"start": 1235.15, "end": 1241.07, "text": "300,000 fucking dollars in debt to a robot not a car not a house a robot"}, {"start": 1241.31, "end": 1248.75, "text": "He looked at rent looked at a supercomputer and picked the fucking computer like a dumbass picks the hot vending machine over food that actually feeds him"}, {"start": 1249.15, "end": 1251.55, "text": "He is now what the doctors call AI broke"}, {"start": 1252.11, "end": 1254.11, "text": "regular broke you can't pay rent"}, {"start": 1255.07, "end": 1265.07, "text": "AI broke you can't pay rent, but you got a machine that'll write your landlord a nine paragraph excuse letter in the voice of a lawyer who's never missed a meal in his damn life"}, {"start": 1265.63, "end": 1269.71, "text": "Tonight red and blue are gonna rip into my whole fucked up life"}, {"start": 1270.27, "end": 1271.47, "text": "Let's fucking geo"}, {"start": 1272.51, "end": 1276.35, "text": "Look look. I love this man and I will defend him with my whole fucking chest"}, {"start": 1276.51, "end": 1278.27, "text": "I don't care what it costs me"}, {"start": 1278.27, "end": 1282.51, "text": "Everybody want a clown Jesse for going 300 fucking grand in the hole for AI"}, {"start": 1282.91, "end": 1287.23, "text": "That's not stupid. That's vision. That's a man who said I refuse to be regular broke"}, {"start": 1287.31, "end": 1290.59, "text": "I'm gonna be specific broke. I'm gonna be broke with a fucking plan"}, {"start": 1291.47, "end": 1296.59, "text": "This man's on his knees seven days a week scrubbing some stranger shit-stained toilet for a hundred and fifty bucks"}, {"start": 1296.91, "end": 1298.43, "text": "Splitting it in half with his partner"}, {"start": 1298.43, "end": 1301.07, "text": "So he walks away with 75 dollars and a fucked up knee"}, {"start": 1301.31, "end": 1305.31, "text": "Then he goes home and pays a robot more than that to help him write a joke about how broke his asses"}, {"start": 1305.71, "end": 1310.75, "text": "That's not a mistake. That's a man financing his own execution and doing the fucking paperwork himself"}, {"start": 1311.63, "end": 1316.75, "text": "Vision baby. That's not vision. That's a man who let a chatbot talk him into a car payment on a fucking computer"}, {"start": 1317.15, "end": 1323.15, "text": "$6,000 a month in bills three dogs zero dollars saved and his income is sometimes a stranger's bathroom"}, {"start": 1323.47, "end": 1327.23, "text": "That ain't a business. That's a hostage situation and the toilets the fucking hostage"}, {"start": 1327.55, "end": 1331.23, "text": "And splitting it 50 50 with his partner on a hundred and fifty dollar job"}, {"start": 1332.27, "end": 1337.31, "text": "That's not a partnership baby. That's two broke mother fuckers holding hands while they drowns"}, {"start": 1337.39, "end": 1346.43, "text": "So it looks like a choice he wrote a whole book called colors of my pain should have been called colors of my overdraft fee because baby it is all fucking red"}, {"start": 1347.87, "end": 1353.71, "text": "Hold up hold up. He told me the real math one time drunk as hell at two in the morning"}, {"start": 1354.19, "end": 1363.87, "text": "He said I make a hundred fifty scrubbing a shower and I spend more than that arguing with a robot about whether the joke about the shower is too mean to the fucking shower"}, {"start": 1364.75, "end": 1366.91, "text": "That's this man's whole entire life"}, {"start": 1367.95, "end": 1375.07, "text": "Three dogs staring at him with their sad little faces while he cleans strangers toilets for gas money comes home"}, {"start": 1375.71, "end": 1383.39, "text": "Opens a laptop that cost more than his fucking car and pays a machine to tell him he's failing in real time with footnotes"}, {"start": 1383.71, "end": 1389.79, "text": "And a whole entire table of contents and he do it again tomorrow. That's the fucking spirit"}, {"start": 1390.59, "end": 1394.99, "text": "That's not resilience. That's a gambling problem with a LinkedIn you drunk idiot"}, {"start": 1395.95, "end": 1397.95, "text": "300,000 in the fucking hole"}, {"start": 1398.59, "end": 1406.11, "text": "Six grand a month in bills scrubbing toilets seven days a week splitting scraps with his partner just to feed the robot and the dogs"}, {"start": 1406.51, "end": 1410.67, "text": "Don't ask which one eats first it sure as hell ain't the dogs but look at him"}, {"start": 1411.15, "end": 1419.79, "text": "Broke tired smells like pine saw and bad decisions still standing up here making y'all laugh about it instead of crying about it"}, {"start": 1420.19, "end": 1422.19, "text": "That's the whole fucking book right there"}, {"start": 1423.15, "end": 1427.31, "text": "Tip your host. He's got a robot to feed and it eats better than he does"}, {"start": 1428.43, "end": 1432.83, "text": "All right, we don't usually let the host do a set because it's a conflict of interest"}, {"start": 1433.15, "end": 1438.27, "text": "But tonight he begged so here he is doing the one damn thing he's actually good at"}, {"start": 1438.75, "end": 1442.75, "text": "Roasting his own dumb ass with real reasoning behind every hit"}, {"start": 1443.39, "end": 1444.75, "text": "Give it up"}, {"start": 1444.75, "end": 1450.19, "text": "When I was a kid there was a candy store by the house and I used to stand outside that window like it was a fucking Vegas"}, {"start": 1451.15, "end": 1453.71, "text": "Rose of shit. I couldn't afford lit up like the future"}, {"start": 1453.95, "end": 1457.47, "text": "That's the whole blueprint of my life right there a kid with his face on the glass"}, {"start": 1457.63, "end": 1463.39, "text": "Promising himself one day. I'm walking in here and buying the whole fucking case cut to me at 50 fucking years old"}, {"start": 1463.55, "end": 1465.31, "text": "I did walk in"}, {"start": 1465.39, "end": 1469.23, "text": "Except the candy store is now a super computer and instead of buying the whole case"}, {"start": 1469.23, "end": 1474.19, "text": "I financed it over four years at an interest rate that laughs at me personally out loud in my sleep"}, {"start": 1474.59, "end": 1477.39, "text": "Same kid same window same dumb ass hope"}, {"start": 1477.55, "end": 1483.47, "text": "I just upgraded from wanting skittles to wanting a robot that can write Skittles brand poetry about my own fucking bankruptcy"}, {"start": 1484.67, "end": 1489.23, "text": "That's the reasoning right there same image different decade different price tag"}, {"start": 1489.79, "end": 1494.83, "text": "You didn't just say I like money you gave us the window the glass the kids face on it"}, {"start": 1495.31, "end": 1497.79, "text": "That's a joke you can see keep going"}, {"start": 1498.75, "end": 1504.43, "text": "In my family my family wasn't dysfunctional my family was a sitcom that got cancelled for being too fucking real"}, {"start": 1504.59, "end": 1510.67, "text": "We didn't have a therapist growing up. We had a garage and a whole lot of slam doors and everybody just agreed that was processing"}, {"start": 1511.07, "end": 1516.75, "text": "I turned all that into a book people ask me how do you turn pain into comedy and the honest fucking answer is"}, {"start": 1516.75, "end": 1519.47, "text": "I didn't have a choice laughing was cheaper than the copy"}, {"start": 1520.43, "end": 1522.67, "text": "50 years old and I'm still doing the same math"}, {"start": 1522.75, "end": 1529.47, "text": "I did as a kid outside that window what can I survive on what can I laugh about and what do I have to lock away and never open again"}, {"start": 1529.87, "end": 1534.19, "text": "Difference is now I got an AI helping me do the math and it's worse at it than I am"}, {"start": 1534.51, "end": 1536.75, "text": "And I'm paying it monthly for the fucking privilege"}, {"start": 1538.03, "end": 1542.43, "text": "Laughing was cheaper than the copy that's a gut punch wearing a jokes clothes"}, {"start": 1543.07, "end": 1548.99, "text": "That's the whole secret sauce man. You're not clever. You're honest with good timing close it out"}, {"start": 1549.95, "end": 1552.59, "text": "Here's the deal every single day this show comes back"}, {"start": 1552.75, "end": 1555.87, "text": "We're gonna sit right here and talk shit bad customer service"}, {"start": 1555.95, "end": 1560.35, "text": "We're roasting it some open mic hack doing the same airplane food joke since 2004"}, {"start": 1560.43, "end": 1567.15, "text": "We're fucking roasting it a comedy special so unfunny it should come with a refund policy. We ARE roasting it"}, {"start": 1568.19, "end": 1573.39, "text": "Cause that's the whole bit of my life kid on the glass man in the debt still standing here every single day"}, {"start": 1573.39, "end": 1576.35, "text": "Turning the shit that should have broken me in something you laugh at instead"}, {"start": 1576.75, "end": 1584.11, "text": "Candy store never had what I actually wanted anyway turns out what I wanted was this a room a mic and permission to talk shit about everything"}, {"start": 1584.27, "end": 1586.27, "text": "Starting with my own dumb ass"}, {"start": 1586.27, "end": 1593.47, "text": "That's red line comedy come back tomorrow same broke host same sharp mouth new shit to talk about"}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nAll right, Buzz saws back up and he's had a few and he heard the first version didn't kill so he's coming out M.E.A. N.E.R. this time. Give it up. $300,000 fucking dollars not stolen not gambled invested in a computer a man bought a computer the way other men buy a boat except a boat At least tries to keep you afloat This thing's been actively drowning him for a year and he keeps swimming back to it like it owes him an apology You know how you pay off 300 grand cleaning toilets 87 bucks a pop split with a partner so really it's 4350 a toilet That means this man needs to scrub 6,800 toilets to break even 6,800 that's not a business. That's a fucking punishment from a court He never went to and every one of those toilets every single one he's on his knees gloves on elbow deep in some stranger's bathroom Thinking this is temporary while somewhere his laptop is charging in the car like a getaway driver that already left without him Getaway driver that already left without him. That's a knockout line That's the kind of shit you build a whole minute around keep swinging Three dogs three man can't afford his own dinner half the time But he's got three separate mouths depending on him and I guarantee you those dogs eat better than he does because dogs don't do math Dogs just know when the bags empty and Jesse KNOWS when the bags empty He just keeps refilling the robots bag first 50 years old 50 30 years of photographer 14 years working for the state 11 years driving strangers around Sacramento at three in the fucking morning listening to other people's whole broadcast lives fall apart in his backseat for $9 And after all of that after three different careers after three decades of watching everybody else's life Happen in front of a lens or a windshield he looks at all that experience and goes You know what I should do with 50 years of wisdom Give it to a chatbot and see what happens That's not a midlife crisis That's a hostage video where the hostage is filming it himself a Hostage video where the hostage is filming it himself damn that's dark That's exactly the kind of dark he asked for that's a knockout close it out don't you dare soften up now And here's the sick part the part that should embarrass every single one of us laughing right now He's gonna wake up tomorrow 6,800 toilets still owed three dogs still hungry and he's gonna open that same fucking laptop and pay the same Fucking robot to help him write the next joke about how broke it made him that's not resilience That's not still standing That's a man financing his own execution on a payment plan and tipping the executioner monthly for good service And somehow that's still the funniest fucking thing in this whole room Cause he's still here still cleaning still paying still fucking standing Give it up for the dumbest most stubborn broke motherfucker in Sacramento Buzz saws back in this time he did his research He's got a list a list of ways to get out of $300,000 in debt some of these are real some of these are not he will not tell you which go All right, all right everybody's got advice for the broke guy budget better cut Starbucks Buddy I owe 300,000 dollars to a computer a four dollar coffee is not the leak in this boat The boat is the leak the whole boat is made of leak so I made a real list ways to get out of debt ranked worst to worst Number one real one clean toilet seven days a week till your knees sound like a science experiment Currently doing this currently regretting this Currently doing it again tomorrow at 8 a.m Number two sell a kidney Now here's the thing I looked into it and it turns out you only get one spare kidney and hospitals want paperwork And nobody's paying 300k for a kidney that's been marinating in gas station burritos for 50 years So that's out that kidney's worth maybe 40 bucks and a warm handshake Marinating in gas station burritos for 50 years That's the kind of specific disgusting image that turns a throwaway line into a keeper keep going Number three and this one's real this one I actually tried start a podcast about being in debt monetize the humiliation turn the crime scene into content That's not a joke. That's literally what tonight is you're watching the collateral number four fake one allegedly fake your own death Move to a country with no extradition treaty and start over as a guy named Steve who fixes boat motors Steve doesn't know anybody shit Steve's never heard of a subscription I think about Steve a lot Steve's living his best life and he doesn't even exist Number five real ask the robot that got you into the debt to help you get out of the debt Yeah, that's real. That's not even a joke. That's Tuesday I pay the same machine that bankrupted me to help me write a five-year plan to unbankrupt me That's like paying the guy who ran you over to also drive the ambulance Paying the guy who ran you over to also drive the ambulance That one's a knockout. That's a full-minute right there if you slow down and sit in it bring it home Real talk none of these work not the toilets not the podcast not fake Steve the boat guy The only thing that's actually worked is I keep waking up I keep showing up and I keep turning the whole embarrassing mess into 40 minutes You'll laugh at and forget by Tuesday. That's not a debt plan. That's not financial advice That's just a man who found out the only interest rate he can actually pay down is the one on your attention and tonight Y'all paid in full Last one tonight he asked for no mercy So this is the one where buzz saw stops performing and just says it no laugh track needed for this one if it lands it lands quiet Let's stop dressing it up a man built 30 fucking years of a career pointing a camera at other people's best days Weddings births the good shit and never once pointed it at his own life because there wasn't a version of his own life He wanted developed 14 years after that fighting paperwork for a government that didn't know his name 11 years after that driving strangers through the dark at three in the fucking morning Listening to their pain like it was cheaper than dealing with his own because it fucking was And then last year at 50 years old he finally had one good fucking idea Turn all that pain into something real finish the book tell the truth and instead of finishing it He panicked about a computer he couldn't afford like the machine was gonna do the healing for him So he wouldn't have to sit in the room with his own shit himself 300,000 fucking dollars. That's not an investment That's the most expensive way a man has ever found to avoid finishing one sentence about his own childhood Nobody's laughing right now and that's the point keep going So now he's on his fucking knees in strangers bathrooms splitting 75 87 90 bucks a house Feeding three dogs who don't know or give a shit that he's failing and every single night he opens that same fucking laptop And asks a machine to help him make his own collapse sound clever enough that people will laugh instead of look away That's the whole business model of this entire fucking show Every joke you laughed at tonight was a man buying himself 30 more seconds before he has to feel the actual thing underneath it And you know what that's not pathetic. That is the whole fucking species Every single mother fucker laughing in this room's got their own version of the robot their own toilet their own three dogs Their own bill that's due before the Czech clears. He's not the exception up here He's just the dumb bastard stupid enough to say it out loud with a microphone in his hand So here it is playing no bit a man spent his whole fucking life Photographing other people's happiness and it took going 300,000 dollars into debt to a machine before he'd finally sit still long enough to look at his own That's not a joke. That's just what's true and the fact that he's still up here still broke as fuck still scrubbing floors Still standing in front of you telling you the truth instead of running from it That's the only thing about tonight that was never a bit Buzzsaw's got a new plan tonight a money plan a how to actually get rich with AI plan sit down shut up This is financial advice from a man 300k in the whole go Everybody on the internet's got to make money with AI agents course right 99 bucks I made $10,000 while I slept buddy I got four different AI agents and the only thing I made while I slept was a bigger bill and a dream where a toilet was yelling at me Let me break down my actual real AI roster and what each one has cost me versus what it's actually made me This is real financial transparency. This is what a real guru would give you first clawed Clods my main guy clawed writes the jokes clawed does the deep thinking Clods basically my business partner who never sleeps never eats and never once has told me Hey, maybe don't spend 300 grand on this Clod will help you build an empire and won't say a word while you build it directly into a wall Then there's codex codex writes the actual code fixes the websites and codex is the one agent that's genuinely useful Which is exactly why I trusted the least Anything that useful is either gonna save my life or end it That's a real knockout that's the kind of line that sounds like a throw away, but it's doing three jobs at once Keep cooking Then you got Grock Grock's the one that argues with you I asked Grock for a business plan and it gave me a business plan and a hot take on why my business plan is stupid Unprompted in the same breath That's not an assistant. That's a roommate who pays no rent and has strong opinions about it I'm not sure if I can do it I'm not sure if I can do it That's not an assistant. That's a roommate who pays no rent and has strong opinions about my rent And then fables the wild card fable right stuff that's either genius or completely unhinged And there is no in between no warning no seatbelt You ask fable for a joke about your dog and you get back a joke about your dog that somehow also diagnosis your whole childhood I didn't ask for that. I paid for that anyway So that's the roster for different AI agents for different personalities And every single one of them has a monthly bill and none of them have ever once said hey Jesse maybe don't That's the actual business model of half of Silicon Valley build something so useful nobody stops to ask if they can afford it Build something so useful nobody stops to ask if they can afford it That's the whole industry in one sentence. That's a headline close it out So here's my actual make money with AI course free of charge no 99 dollars required Get four AI agents let all four of them tell you you're a genius simultaneously Believe every single one of them and then find out real fucking quick that genius doesn't pay the water bill Genius pays for more clawed more codex more grok more fable and none of them split the check 300,000 dollars later here's my actual review Five stars for the jokes zero stars for the business advice and if any of you sign up for a get rich with AI course after watching me up here tonight I want full fucking credit when it doesn't work All right tonight buzz saw's going after something new not just the man the brand. He's roasting colors of my pain The book the quiz the whole four-color money machine nothing sacred go So Jesse wrote a book called colors of my pain took his whole fucked up life the jobs the family shit 30 years of carrying a camera around other people's happiness and turned it into a book a quiz Four color reports and a bundle deal on gumroad for 499 499 you can heal your childhood trauma for the price of a gas station energy drink That's not a memoir. That's a group on for generational damage And the quiz the quiz is the real genius part or the real crime. I honestly can't tell which Two minutes six questions and it tells you which color your pain is red blue green yellow like your whole broken-ass childhood is a starburst rapper Congratulations your blue the chameleon you learned to read every room because home wasn't safe Cool thanks. Can I get that in a mug Congratulations your blue can I get that in a mug That's a genuinely nasty little knockout that's taking something real and finding the exact spot where it's also absurd Keep going And here's the part that really gets me the man who wrote a whole book about learning to survive pain by being smart with money Reading the room by protecting himself that same man turned around and went 300,000 dollars into debt on a computer 18 months later Sir SIR you wrote the instruction manual and then failed the class you wrote it for that's not irony That's a plot twist That's a man who spent 30 chapters teaching people how to spot when they're about to get hurt And then walked face first into an 11 lab subscription like it owed him a hug The book's tagline should be updated not name what hurts and heals More like name what hurts sell it for five dollars then go get hurt again by a robot That updated tagline is filthy and it's true Which is the exact combination this whole show runs on close it Look, I'll give him this the books real the pains real the four colors actually mean something to people who needed a word for what happened to them That part's not a joke that part actually works But the same man who figured out how to package his worst years into something that helps strangers heal Still can't stop himself from bleeding money into a subscription that doesn't love him back That's the whole tragedy and the whole comedy same coin same guy same fucking Tuesday By the book skip the AI bill He clearly didn't take his own advice so somebody in this room should Confession time Buzzsaw's gonna talk about dating at 50 broke as fuck. This is not gonna be pretty, but it's gonna be true go Dating at 50 when you're $300,000 in debt is a whole different fucking sport than dating at 25 At 25 you lie about your job at 50 you lie about your Wi-Fi password because you don't want her seeing the 16 browser tabs Open about debt consolidation like a crime scene I went on a date last month real nice woman and she asked what I do and I said I'm in AI And she got excited and I had to clarify not in AI like Silicon Valley in AI Like a hostage in a fucking trunk. I don't work with the robots. I work for the robots. There's a difference One of us has a 401k and it ain't me I work for the robots. That's a clean flip on expectation That's the joke doing a costume change mid sentence keep going And the physical stuff look at 50 everything still works It just files a delayed fucking report 25-year-old me was spontaneous 50-year-old me needs a calendar invite and a chiropractor on standby I'm not saying I'm bad in bed. I'm saying I now require a warm-up act like I'm opening for my own damn self Here's the real confession though the actual dark one Every woman I've dated in the last year has eventually found out about the debt and every single one of them's had the same reaction The polite slow blink that means I am recalculating this relationships exit ramp real fucking fast I've learned to spot that blink. I could teach a masterclass on that blink $300,000 and the only expertise I've actually built is reading a woman's face doing quiet math on my net worth Reading a woman's face doing quiet math on my net worth That's a knockout because it's so specific. You can see the exact expression bring it home But here's the thing nobody tells you about dating broke at 50 the ones who stay after the blink after the math After finding out about the robot and the toilets and the three dogs Those are the only ones worth a damn anyway Everybody else was just doing due diligence on a bad fucking investment I'm not an investment. I'm a fixer-upper with a great personality and a truly embarrassing spreadsheet Confession number two the business empire Buzzsaw's got the whole portfolio tonight every single company go Let's talk about the empire Jesse's got a cleaning business a dog training app a wine site a comedy site a personality quiz a book and a website business selling websites to other broke people trying to build a business That's not an empire. That's a flea market with a cloud flare bill He's got a company called dream builds that builds websites for four hundred bucks four hundred dollars for a whole website Meanwhile his website cost three hundred thousand dollars to run because it's got four different AI agents arguing about font choices He's selling other people the cure for a disease. He personally still has Selling other people the cure for a disease. He personally still has That's a knockout that's medical grade irony delivered mean keep swinging And the miss call rescue business. This is my favorite one He built a service that texts customers back automatically so businesses never miss a lead Never miss a lead Meanwhile, he's been sitting on a list of 41 real leads for four MO and THS without calling a single one of them Physician heal thy fucking self He built the cure for missing leads and then became the worst patient in his own waiting room Every single business. He's got is secretly a mirror The cleaning businesses get paid honest money for honest work and he can't afford honest work for himself The dog app is never lose your temper training your dog And he's out here losing his mind training a robot Every product is advice. He wrote for strangers that he refuses to take himself Every product is advice. He wrote for strangers that he refuses to take himself That's the whole set in one line. That's a genuine closer quality knockout Landed Here's my actual business advice free no course required The man's got six or seven real businesses actual real revenue actual real customers who actually pay him And instead of running one of them hard He's feeding a computer that helps him think about all of them at once Which is the exact opposite of focus You want to get to $200 a day stop building the ninth business and go collect on the first six That's not a joke That's just true And it's the one piece of advice up here tonight. He actually needs to fucking here Last confession the real number $200 a day. That's the whole goal Buzzsaw's gonna break down why that numbers both hilarious and depressing at the same time go $200 a day that's the whole finish line Not a yacht not a mansion not retiring on a beach somewhere $200 fucking dollars a day just to stop the bleeding That's not a dream. That's a tourniquet You know what $200 a day sounds like when you say it slow It sounds like nothing. It sounds like a shift at a job most people quit in a week But when you're 300k deep 200 a day isn't a paycheck It's a fucking miracle with a due date because you need it every single day weekends included holidays included the day your Need gives out included a Miracle with a due date That's dark and specific at the same time That's exactly the combo that makes a room go quiet then laugh anyway keep going And the sick math of it is Cleaning one house gets him maybe 75 90 bucks after splitting it So staying above water means finding two more houses to clean every single day forever While also running six other businesses while also arguing with a robot about invoices While also trying to get laid occasionally so he doesn't turn into a ghost who only talks to Siri 200 a day every day no days off that math doesn't care that it's your dog's birthday Doesn't care you got four hours of sleep doesn't care you're depressed about the death that same number is trying to fix 200 dollars a day is the least romantic finish line in the history of finish lines And he's sprinting toward it anyway every single fucking morning That's the whole engine of tonight show right there the goal is small the stakes are enormous and he keeps showing up anyway That's a closer land the plane So here's to 200 dollars a day the smallest dumbest most brutal finish line a grown man's ever sprinted toward on his hands and knees in a stranger's bathroom It's not inspiring. It's not a TED talk It's just a number. He's chasing so he can breathe a little easier by the end of the month And if that ain't the most honest goal in this whole fucking room tonight. I don't know what is Ladies and gentlemen welcome to red line comedy The only open mic in this whole fucking country where the host is also the crime scene Jesse Salas 300,000 fucking dollars in debt to a robot not a car not a house a robot He looked at rent looked at a supercomputer and picked the fucking computer like a dumbass picks the hot vending machine over food that actually feeds him He is now what the doctors call AI broke regular broke you can't pay rent AI broke you can't pay rent, but you got a machine that'll write your landlord a nine paragraph excuse letter in the voice of a lawyer who's never missed a meal in his damn life Tonight red and blue are gonna rip into my whole fucked up life Let's fucking geo Look look. I love this man and I will defend him with my whole fucking chest I don't care what it costs me Everybody want a clown Jesse for going 300 fucking grand in the hole for AI That's not stupid. That's vision. That's a man who said I refuse to be regular broke I'm gonna be specific broke. I'm gonna be broke with a fucking plan This man's on his knees seven days a week scrubbing some stranger shit-stained toilet for a hundred and fifty bucks Splitting it in half with his partner So he walks away with 75 dollars and a fucked up knee Then he goes home and pays a robot more than that to help him write a joke about how broke his asses That's not a mistake. That's a man financing his own execution and doing the fucking paperwork himself Vision baby. That's not vision. That's a man who let a chatbot talk him into a car payment on a fucking computer $6,000 a month in bills three dogs zero dollars saved and his income is sometimes a stranger's bathroom That ain't a business. That's a hostage situation and the toilets the fucking hostage And splitting it 50 50 with his partner on a hundred and fifty dollar job That's not a partnership baby. That's two broke mother fuckers holding hands while they drowns So it looks like a choice he wrote a whole book called colors of my pain should have been called colors of my overdraft fee because baby it is all fucking red Hold up hold up. He told me the real math one time drunk as hell at two in the morning He said I make a hundred fifty scrubbing a shower and I spend more than that arguing with a robot about whether the joke about the shower is too mean to the fucking shower That's this man's whole entire life Three dogs staring at him with their sad little faces while he cleans strangers toilets for gas money comes home Opens a laptop that cost more than his fucking car and pays a machine to tell him he's failing in real time with footnotes And a whole entire table of contents and he do it again tomorrow. That's the fucking spirit That's not resilience. That's a gambling problem with a LinkedIn you drunk idiot 300,000 in the fucking hole Six grand a month in bills scrubbing toilets seven days a week splitting scraps with his partner just to feed the robot and the dogs Don't ask which one eats first it sure as hell ain't the dogs but look at him Broke tired smells like pine saw and bad decisions still standing up here making y'all laugh about it instead of crying about it That's the whole fucking book right there Tip your host. He's got a robot to feed and it eats better than he does All right, we don't usually let the host do a set because it's a conflict of interest But tonight he begged so here he is doing the one damn thing he's actually good at Roasting his own dumb ass with real reasoning behind every hit Give it up When I was a kid there was a candy store by the house and I used to stand outside that window like it was a fucking Vegas Rose of shit. I couldn't afford lit up like the future That's the whole blueprint of my life right there a kid with his face on the glass Promising himself one day. I'm walking in here and buying the whole fucking case cut to me at 50 fucking years old I did walk in Except the candy store is now a super computer and instead of buying the whole case I financed it over four years at an interest rate that laughs at me personally out loud in my sleep Same kid same window same dumb ass hope I just upgraded from wanting skittles to wanting a robot that can write Skittles brand poetry about my own fucking bankruptcy That's the reasoning right there same image different decade different price tag You didn't just say I like money you gave us the window the glass the kids face on it That's a joke you can see keep going In my family my family wasn't dysfunctional my family was a sitcom that got cancelled for being too fucking real We didn't have a therapist growing up. We had a garage and a whole lot of slam doors and everybody just agreed that was processing I turned all that into a book people ask me how do you turn pain into comedy and the honest fucking answer is I didn't have a choice laughing was cheaper than the copy 50 years old and I'm still doing the same math I did as a kid outside that window what can I survive on what can I laugh about and what do I have to lock away and never open again Difference is now I got an AI helping me do the math and it's worse at it than I am And I'm paying it monthly for the fucking privilege Laughing was cheaper than the copy that's a gut punch wearing a jokes clothes That's the whole secret sauce man. You're not clever. You're honest with good timing close it out Here's the deal every single day this show comes back We're gonna sit right here and talk shit bad customer service We're roasting it some open mic hack doing the same airplane food joke since 2004 We're fucking roasting it a comedy special so unfunny it should come with a refund policy. We ARE roasting it Cause that's the whole bit of my life kid on the glass man in the debt still standing here every single day Turning the shit that should have broken me in something you laugh at instead Candy store never had what I actually wanted anyway turns out what I wanted was this a room a mic and permission to talk shit about everything Starting with my own dumb ass That's red line comedy come back tomorrow same broke host same sharp mouth new shit to talk about\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}