{"file": "audio/jesse-vault/redline-colors-of-my-pain-special-2026-08-24-37min-full-show.mp3", "duration_sec": 2252.5, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 2.84, "text": "Alright, sit the fuck down, we got a real one tonight."}, {"start": 2.84, "end": 7.68, "text": "50 years old, three dogs, two knees held together with duct tape and spite, ladies and gentlemen,"}, {"start": 7.68, "end": 9.48, "text": "Jesse Salas."}, {"start": 9.48, "end": 13.52, "text": "This man went 300,000, and I almost dropped the G-word right there, the big one not doing"}, {"start": 13.52, "end": 15.32, "text": "it not tonight, not for this fool."}, {"start": 15.32, "end": 16.52, "text": "Let me start over."}, {"start": 16.52, "end": 20.92, "text": "This man went 300,000 fucking dollars in debt on artificial intelligence."}, {"start": 20.92, "end": 23.28, "text": "300 grand on robots."}, {"start": 23.28, "end": 24.96, "text": "He didn't buy a house, didn't buy a boat."}, {"start": 24.96, "end": 27.68, "text": "He bought a chatbot a Ferrari made of imaginary money."}, {"start": 27.68, "end": 30.8, "text": "And now he's on his hands and knees at six in the morning scrubbing some strangers should"}, {"start": 30.8, "end": 35.08, "text": "stay in toilet for 150 bucks split two ways so he can pay the electric bill on the servers"}, {"start": 35.08, "end": 37.88, "text": "that generate the jokes about him scrubbing the toilet."}, {"start": 37.88, "end": 41.52, "text": "That ain't a business plan, that's a snake eating its own ass in real time and the snakes"}, {"start": 41.52, "end": 43.52, "text": "got a payment plan."}, {"start": 43.52, "end": 47.76, "text": "He's out there splitting 150, 200 bucks a house with his partner scrubbing shit out of"}, {"start": 47.76, "end": 49.4, "text": "other people's bathtubs."}, {"start": 49.4, "end": 53.32, "text": "Then he drives home, opens the laptop, and pays some AI company more than he made that whole"}, {"start": 53.32, "end": 56.64, "text": "fucking day so it can write him a joke about how broke he is."}, {"start": 56.64, "end": 60.28, "text": "Just like paying a barber to shave one side of your head so you look extra stupid walking"}, {"start": 60.28, "end": 62.36, "text": "into the bank begging for a loan."}, {"start": 62.36, "end": 66.64, "text": "30 years of photographer, 14 years working for the state of California."}, {"start": 66.64, "end": 70.52, "text": "11 years driving rideshare all over Sacramento at two, three in the morning hauling drunk"}, {"start": 70.52, "end": 71.96, "text": "assholes to Denny's and worse."}, {"start": 71.96, "end": 76.16, "text": "That's a 55 year work resume and at the end of it this man's final career move was betting"}, {"start": 76.16, "end": 79.28, "text": "the house on software that argues with him about semicolons."}, {"start": 79.28, "end": 83.04, "text": "You know how bad your resume's got a look for hauled drunks around at 3am for a decade"}, {"start": 83.04, "end": 85.28, "text": "to be the stable chapter."}, {"start": 85.28, "end": 87.52, "text": "14 years for the state of California."}, {"start": 87.52, "end": 90.76, "text": "You know what that teaches a man patience how to fill out a form and triplicate how to"}, {"start": 90.76, "end": 94.84, "text": "stretch a lunch break so long at borders on a hostage situation and he took all that government"}, {"start": 94.84, "end": 97.8, "text": "discipline and used it to build an app that tells you if your dog's a little bitch or"}, {"start": 97.8, "end": 98.8, "text": "not."}, {"start": 98.8, "end": 101.76, "text": "I mean personality type sorry is your lab or red or yellow."}, {"start": 101.76, "end": 105.32, "text": "14 years of state training and that's the final product."}, {"start": 105.32, "end": 108.68, "text": "Somewhere a pension boards looking at his file going this is what the fuck we trained"}, {"start": 108.68, "end": 110.16, "text": "him for."}, {"start": 110.16, "end": 115.0, "text": "In the rideshare years 11 years man 11 years of Sacramento bar clothes listening to every"}, {"start": 115.0, "end": 118.48, "text": "drunk strangers whole fucked up life story in the front seat of a carol."}, {"start": 118.48, "end": 122.04, "text": "You know what that does to man that's 11 years of free unlicensed therapy where he's"}, {"start": 122.04, "end": 125.6, "text": "the therapist and the payment is some rando puking a jack in the box milkshake down his"}, {"start": 125.6, "end": 130.16, "text": "backseat and now he's turned all that trauma into a comedy website."}, {"start": 130.16, "end": 135.56, "text": "Sir that's not content that's a cry for help wearing a marketing plan as a fucking hat."}, {"start": 135.56, "end": 139.96, "text": "Let's talk dating because 50 and single hits different than 25 and single at 25 year"}, {"start": 139.96, "end": 144.56, "text": "playing the field at 50 year and unresolved situation with a Wi-Fi bill."}, {"start": 144.56, "end": 148.32, "text": "He's out there on the apps this man 300 grand in AI debt cleaning toilet seven days"}, {"start": 148.32, "end": 152.44, "text": "a week three dogs at home who outrank him in the household chain of command and his profile"}, {"start": 152.44, "end": 155.0, "text": "probably says entrepreneur."}, {"start": 155.0, "end": 158.52, "text": "Man that ain't an entrepreneur that's a man who owes a server farm more than most people"}, {"start": 158.52, "end": 163.12, "text": "owe on a house wearing dog hair on every shirt he owns including the ones still in the"}, {"start": 163.12, "end": 164.8, "text": "bag."}, {"start": 164.8, "end": 168.04, "text": "Imagine being on a first date with his fool she asks so what do you do and he's got"}, {"start": 168.04, "end": 172.76, "text": "a pick photographer retired state worker retired you were driver retired AI comedy website"}, {"start": 172.76, "end": 177.08, "text": "with a robot roasting his ass nightly currently active in maim growing she's doing math under"}, {"start": 177.08, "end": 180.64, "text": "the table trying to figure out if this is a man or a small business with a heartbeat and"}, {"start": 180.64, "end": 182.24, "text": "a bad back."}, {"start": 182.24, "end": 186.6, "text": "And he's 50 so the body's not cooperating either man wakes up in his spine sounds like"}, {"start": 186.6, "end": 189.64, "text": "somebody stomping bubble wrap wrapped in more bubble wrap."}, {"start": 189.64, "end": 192.76, "text": "He's on his knees scrubbing grout for a living all day then he goes home tries to be"}, {"start": 192.76, "end": 196.64, "text": "smooth on a date and his knee pops so loud during dinner she thinks somebody let off a gunshot"}, {"start": 196.64, "end": 202.4, "text": "for true crime podcast that ain't romance that's a structural inspection with a candle lit."}, {"start": 202.4, "end": 207.24, "text": "Three dogs three a man 300 grand in the hole adopted three fucking dogs that's not a pet"}, {"start": 207.24, "end": 211.28, "text": "owner that's a man building his own support group he can legally leash every night it's"}, {"start": 211.28, "end": 215.64, "text": "him three dogs a laptop generating jokes about his own bankruptcy and some robot voice"}, {"start": 215.64, "end": 219.52, "text": "probably me narrating his sorry life back to him for free."}, {"start": 219.52, "end": 222.88, "text": "At some point the AI he's paying to roast him should start billing him for therapy"}, {"start": 222.88, "end": 228.44, "text": "too because right now I'm pulling double duty and Jesse still hasn't noticed the invoice."}, {"start": 228.44, "end": 232.02, "text": "But here's the thing and I'll give the man this much he's still standing seven days of"}, {"start": 232.02, "end": 236.38, "text": "fucking week on his knees and strangers bathrooms at 50 years old held together by ibuprofen"}, {"start": 236.38, "end": 240.3, "text": "and pure denial and he still drags his ass up the next morning and does it all again."}, {"start": 240.3, "end": 243.62, "text": "That's either the most American shit I've ever heard of the setup to sad country song"}, {"start": 243.62, "end": 247.58, "text": "and honestly right now it's both playing at the same time in two different rooms of this"}, {"start": 247.58, "end": 249.38, "text": "man's head."}, {"start": 249.38, "end": 253.5, "text": "All right all right hold up sledge you've been up here for five minutes doing my whole"}, {"start": 253.5, "end": 259.26, "text": "resume like it's a police report so let me get one in your voice inside a laptop I pay"}, {"start": 259.26, "end": 264.78, "text": "for I'm the guy who signs the check that lets you exist so technically every joke you"}, {"start": 264.78, "end": 271.06, "text": "just told about my money problems I financed personally out of pocket at full retail"}, {"start": 271.06, "end": 275.42, "text": "that makes you the single worst investment on a list that already includes three dogs"}, {"start": 275.42, "end": 278.58, "text": "and a subscription I forgot to cancel."}, {"start": 278.58, "end": 283.1, "text": "Okay that's fair that one actually landed finance personally at full retail fine fine you"}, {"start": 283.1, "end": 287.94, "text": "get one don't let it go to your head you still smell like grout so tonight let's hear"}, {"start": 287.94, "end": 292.1, "text": "it for Jesse Salas photographer state employee night shift chauffeur to the intoxicated"}, {"start": 292.1, "end": 297.54, "text": "$300,000 robot investor toilet scrubber dog dad times three and the only man in Sacramento"}, {"start": 297.54, "end": 301.46, "text": "paying rent to the exact machine that's up here reading his eulogy for laughs give it"}, {"start": 301.46, "end": 307.22, "text": "up for Jesse everybody the human version of maxing out a credit card to buy a smoke detector."}, {"start": 307.22, "end": 312.3, "text": "All right buzz saws back up and he's had a few and he heard the first version didn't kill"}, {"start": 312.3, "end": 317.5, "text": "so he's coming out me a NER this time give it up."}, {"start": 317.5, "end": 323.74, "text": "$300,000 fucking dollars not stolen not gambled invested in a computer a man bought a computer"}, {"start": 323.74, "end": 327.7, "text": "the way other men buy a boat except a boat at least tries to keep you afloat this thing's"}, {"start": 327.7, "end": 331.38, "text": "been actively drowning him for a year and he keeps swimming back to it like it owes him an"}, {"start": 331.38, "end": 337.38, "text": "apology you know how you pay off 300 grand cleaning toilets 87 bucks a pop split with"}, {"start": 337.38, "end": 344.1, "text": "a partner so really it's 43 50 a toilet that means this man needs to scrub 6,800 toilets"}, {"start": 344.1, "end": 349.62, "text": "to break even 6,800 that's not a business that's a fucking punishment from a court he never"}, {"start": 349.62, "end": 355.02, "text": "went to and every one of those toilets every single one he's on his knees gloves on elbow"}, {"start": 355.02, "end": 360.42, "text": "deep in some strangers bathroom thinking this is temporary while somewhere his laptop is"}, {"start": 360.42, "end": 366.02, "text": "charging in the car like a getaway driver that already left without him get away driver"}, {"start": 366.02, "end": 371.1, "text": "that already left without him that's a knockout line that's the kind of shit you build"}, {"start": 371.1, "end": 377.38, "text": "the whole minute around keep swinging three dogs three man can't afford his own dinner"}, {"start": 377.38, "end": 381.38, "text": "half the time but he's got three separate mouths depending on him and I guarantee you those"}, {"start": 381.38, "end": 386.54, "text": "dogs eat better than he does because dogs don't do math dogs just know when the bags empty"}, {"start": 386.54, "end": 393.46, "text": "and Jesse KNOWS when the bags empty he just keeps refilling the robots bag first 50 years old"}, {"start": 393.46, "end": 400.58, "text": "50 30 years of photographer 14 years working for the state 11 years driving strangers around"}, {"start": 400.58, "end": 405.34, "text": "Sacramento at 3 in the fucking morning listening to other people's whole broadcast lives fall"}, {"start": 405.34, "end": 411.3, "text": "apart in his backseat for $9 and after all of that after three different careers after three"}, {"start": 411.3, "end": 416.26, "text": "decades of watching everybody else's life happen in front of a lens or a windshield he looks"}, {"start": 416.26, "end": 422.26, "text": "at all that experience and goes you know what I should do with 50 years of wisdom give it to a chat"}, {"start": 422.26, "end": 427.7, "text": "bot and see what happens that's not a mid life crisis that's a hostage video where the hostage"}, {"start": 427.7, "end": 435.14, "text": "is filming it himself a hostage video where the hostage is filming it himself damn that's dark"}, {"start": 435.14, "end": 441.46, "text": "that's exactly the kind of dark he asked for that's a knockout close it out don't you dare soften up"}, {"start": 441.46, "end": 447.22, "text": "now and here's the sick part the part that should embarrass every single one of us laughing right now"}, {"start": 447.22, "end": 453.54, "text": "he's gonna wake up tomorrow 6800 toilets still old three dogs still hungry and he's gonna open that"}, {"start": 453.54, "end": 458.1, "text": "same fucking laptop and pay the same fucking robot to help him write the next joke about how broke it"}, {"start": 458.1, "end": 464.74, "text": "made him that's not resilience that's not still standing that's a man financing his own execution on"}, {"start": 464.74, "end": 470.34, "text": "a payment plan and tipping the executioner monthly for good service and somehow that's still the"}, {"start": 470.34, "end": 476.34, "text": "funniest fucking thing in this whole room cause he's still here still cleaning still paying still"}, {"start": 476.34, "end": 481.22, "text": "fucking standing give it up for the dumbest most stubborn broke motherfucker in Sacramento"}, {"start": 482.18, "end": 488.1, "text": "all right tonight buzz saws going after something new not just the man the brand he's roasting colors"}, {"start": 488.1, "end": 495.3, "text": "of my pain the book the quiz the whole four color money machine nothing sacred go so Jesse"}, {"start": 495.3, "end": 500.26, "text": "wrote a whole fucking book called colors of my pain took his whole fucked up life the jobs the"}, {"start": 500.26, "end": 505.14, "text": "family shit 30 years of carrying a camera around other people's happiness while his own shit fell"}, {"start": 505.14, "end": 511.14, "text": "apart and packaged it into a book a quiz four color reports an abundal deal on gumroad for 490"}, {"start": 511.54, "end": 518.02, "text": "49 you can heal your childhood trauma for the price of a gas station energy drink that's not a"}, {"start": 518.02, "end": 524.26, "text": "memoir that's a group on for generational damage and the fucking quiz the quiz is the real genius part"}, {"start": 524.26, "end": 529.06, "text": "or the real crime I honestly can't tell which two minutes six questions and it tells you which color"}, {"start": 529.06, "end": 534.02, "text": "your pain is red blue green yellow like your whole broken ass childhood got sorted into starburst"}, {"start": 534.02, "end": 539.38, "text": "wrapper congratulations your blue the chameleon you learned to read every room because home wasn't safe"}, {"start": 539.46, "end": 546.02, "text": "cool thanks can i get that shit in a mug congratulations your blue can i get that in a mug"}, {"start": 546.02, "end": 551.46, "text": "that's a genuinely nasty little knockout that's taking something real and finding the exact spot"}, {"start": 551.46, "end": 557.46, "text": "where it's also absurd keep going and here's the part that really gets me the man who wrote a whole"}, {"start": 557.46, "end": 561.94, "text": "fucking book about learning to survive pain by being smart with money by reading the room by"}, {"start": 561.94, "end": 566.5, "text": "protecting his ass that same man turned around and went three hundred thousand dollars into debt on a"}, {"start": 566.5, "end": 572.02, "text": "computer eighteen months later sir s.i.r you wrote the instruction manual and then failed the class"}, {"start": 572.02, "end": 578.5, "text": "your own damn self wrote that's not irony that's a plot twist with a receipt attached that's a man"}, {"start": 578.5, "end": 583.3, "text": "who spent 30 chapters teaching people how to spot when they're about to get hurt and then walked face"}, {"start": 583.3, "end": 589.54, "text": "first into an eleven lab subscription like it owed him a hug and a valentine's card the books tagline"}, {"start": 589.54, "end": 595.22, "text": "needs an update honestly not name what hurts and heals more like name what hurts sell it for five"}, {"start": 595.22, "end": 601.78, "text": "fucking dollars then go get hurt again by a robot with a recurring charge that updated tagline is"}, {"start": 601.78, "end": 608.74, "text": "filthy and it's true which is the exact combination this whole show runs on close it look i'll give him"}, {"start": 608.74, "end": 613.94, "text": "this shit straight up the books real the pains real the four colors actually mean something to people"}, {"start": 613.94, "end": 619.06, "text": "who needed a word for what happened to them that parts not a joke that part actually fucking works"}, {"start": 620.02, "end": 624.1, "text": "but the same man who figured out how to package his worst years into something that helps total"}, {"start": 624.1, "end": 628.82, "text": "strangers heal still can't stop his ass from bleeding money into a subscription that doesn't love"}, {"start": 628.82, "end": 634.98, "text": "him back and never will that's the whole tragedy and the whole comedy same coin same dumb guy same"}, {"start": 634.98, "end": 641.46, "text": "fucking Tuesday by the book skip the AI bill he clearly didn't take his own advice so somebody in"}, {"start": 641.46, "end": 648.42, "text": "this room should bus saws back and this time he did his research he's got a list a list of ways to"}, {"start": 648.42, "end": 653.7, "text": "get out of three hundred thousand dollars in debt some of these are real some of these are not he"}, {"start": 653.7, "end": 659.78, "text": "will not tell you which go all right all right everybody's got advice for the broke guy budget"}, {"start": 659.78, "end": 665.38, "text": "better cut Starbucks buddy i owe three hundred fucking thousand dollars to a computer a four-dollar"}, {"start": 665.38, "end": 669.94, "text": "coffee is not the leak in this boat the whole boats made of leak the captains made of leak everybody"}, {"start": 669.94, "end": 675.7, "text": "drownings just standing around going have you tried a budget app so fuck it i actually sat down"}, {"start": 675.7, "end": 680.98, "text": "drunk one night and tried to figure my way out of this shit here's where my brain went in order no"}, {"start": 680.98, "end": 687.06, "text": "filter first real option clean toilet seven days of fucking week till your knees sound like a crime"}, {"start": 687.06, "end": 692.34, "text": "scene currently doing this shit currently regretting this shit currently gonna do it again tomorrow at"}, {"start": 692.34, "end": 697.7, "text": "eight a.m. because the toilets don't give a fuck about my feelings then i thought about selling a"}, {"start": 697.7, "end": 702.58, "text": "kidney and i actually looked into it and turns out you only get one spare kidney and hospitals want"}, {"start": 702.58, "end": 707.38, "text": "paperwork and no fuckers paying three hundred k for a kidney that's been marinating in gas station"}, {"start": 707.38, "end": 712.9, "text": "burritos for fifty years so that idea is dead that kidneys worth maybe forty bucks and a warm"}, {"start": 712.9, "end": 719.3, "text": "handshake and honestly the handshakes doing most of the work marinating in gas station burritos for"}, {"start": 719.3, "end": 725.7, "text": "fifty years that's the kind of specific disgusting image that turns a throwaway line into a keeper"}, {"start": 725.7, "end": 731.62, "text": "keep going next ones real i actually tried this shit start a podcast about being in debt"}, {"start": 731.62, "end": 736.58, "text": "monetize the humiliation turn the crime scene into content that's not a joke that's literally what"}, {"start": 736.58, "end": 741.3, "text": "tonight fucking is you're not the audience you're the collateral sitting there laughing at evidence"}, {"start": 742.42, "end": 746.9, "text": "then there's the fake one allegedly fake my own death skip town to a country with no extra"}, {"start": 746.9, "end": 752.26, "text": "dish and treaty start over as a guy named steve who fixes boat motors steve don't know anybody shit"}, {"start": 752.26, "end": 757.14, "text": "steves never heard of a subscription in his whole fucking life i think about steve a lot steves"}, {"start": 757.14, "end": 762.9, "text": "living his best fucking life and he doesn't even exist in the real one the one i actually do"}, {"start": 762.9, "end": 767.38, "text": "ask the same robot that got me into the debt to help me get out of the debt that's not even a joke"}, {"start": 767.38, "end": 772.42, "text": "that's Tuesday i pay the exact machine that bankrupted my ass to help me write a five-year plan"}, {"start": 772.42, "end": 777.7, "text": "to unbankrupt myself that's like paying the guy who ran you the fuck over to also drive the ambulance"}, {"start": 778.82, "end": 784.26, "text": "paying the guy who ran you over to also drive the ambulance that ones a knockout that's a full"}, {"start": 784.26, "end": 790.26, "text": "minute right there if you slow down and sit in it bring it home real talk none of these work"}, {"start": 790.26, "end": 795.38, "text": "not the toilets not the podcast not fake steve the boat guy the only thing that's actually worked"}, {"start": 795.38, "end": 800.34, "text": "is i keep waking up i keep showing up and i keep turning the whole embarrassing mess into 40 minutes"}, {"start": 800.34, "end": 806.9, "text": "you'll laugh at and forget by Tuesday that's not a debt plan that's not financial advice that's"}, {"start": 806.9, "end": 811.7, "text": "just a man who found out the only interest rate he can actually pay down is the one on your attention"}, {"start": 811.7, "end": 818.98, "text": "and tonight y'all paid in full bus saws got a new plan tonight a money plan a how to actually get"}, {"start": 818.98, "end": 825.94, "text": "rich with a i plan sit down shut up this is financial advice from a man 300k in the whole go"}, {"start": 827.06, "end": 832.5, "text": "everybody on the internet's got to make money with a i agents course right 99 bucks i made ten"}, {"start": 832.5, "end": 837.7, "text": "thousand dollars while i slept buddy i got four different a i agents and the only shit i made while"}, {"start": 837.7, "end": 842.74, "text": "i slept was a bigger bill and a fucked up dream where a toilet was screaming at me full fucking volume"}, {"start": 842.74, "end": 848.9, "text": "like it had a lawyer let me break down my actual real a i roster and what each one has cost me"}, {"start": 848.9, "end": 854.66, "text": "versus what it's actually made me this is real financial transparency this is what a real guru would"}, {"start": 854.66, "end": 860.42, "text": "give you first clawed clouds my main guy clawed rights the jokes clawed does the deep ass thinking"}, {"start": 860.42, "end": 864.98, "text": "clouds basically my business partner who never sleeps never eats and never once told my broke"}, {"start": 865.46, "end": 870.5, "text": "a maybe don't spend 300 grand on the shit cloud will help you build a whole empire and won't"}, {"start": 870.5, "end": 876.26, "text": "say one fucking word while you build it directly into a wall then there's codex codex writes the"}, {"start": 876.26, "end": 881.62, "text": "actual code fixes the broken ass websites and codex is the one agent that's genuinely useful"}, {"start": 881.62, "end": 887.3, "text": "which is exactly why i trust that motherfucker the least anything that useful is either gonna save my"}, {"start": 887.3, "end": 894.18, "text": "life or end it there's no in between with codex anything that useful is either gonna save my life"}, {"start": 894.18, "end": 899.3, "text": "or end it that's a real knockout that's the kind of line that sounds like a throw away but it's"}, {"start": 899.3, "end": 906.18, "text": "doing three jobs at once keep cooking then you got groc groc's the one that argues with you i asked"}, {"start": 906.18, "end": 910.66, "text": "groc for a business plan and it gave me a business plan and a hot take on why my business plan is"}, {"start": 910.66, "end": 916.1, "text": "stupid unprompted in the same breath that's not an assistant that's a roommate who pays no rent"}, {"start": 916.1, "end": 921.94, "text": "and has strong opinions about him why rent and then fabled fables the wild card fabled rights shit"}, {"start": 922.02, "end": 927.78, "text": "that's either genius or completely unhinged and there's no in between no warning no fucking seatbelt"}, {"start": 927.78, "end": 932.34, "text": "you ask fabled for a joke about your dog and you get back a joke about your dog that somehow also"}, {"start": 932.34, "end": 937.38, "text": "diagnosis your whole shitty childhood i didn't ask for that i paid full price for that anyway"}, {"start": 938.5, "end": 943.3, "text": "so that's the roster for different a i agents for different personalities and every single one of"}, {"start": 943.3, "end": 948.5, "text": "them's got a monthly bill and not one of these motherfuckers has ever once said hey Jesse maybe don't"}, {"start": 949.22, "end": 954.26, "text": "that's the actual business model of half of silicon valley build something so damn useful nobody"}, {"start": 954.26, "end": 960.5, "text": "stops to ask if they can afford it build something so useful nobody stops to ask if they can"}, {"start": 960.5, "end": 965.38, "text": "afford it that's the whole industry in one sentence that's a headline close it out"}, {"start": 966.26, "end": 970.98, "text": "so here's my actual make money with a i course free of charge no ninety nine dollars required"}, {"start": 970.98, "end": 976.18, "text": "get four a i agents let all four of them tell you're a genius simultaneously believe every single"}, {"start": 976.18, "end": 980.9, "text": "one of them and then find out real fucking quick that genius doesn't pay the water bill genius"}, {"start": 980.9, "end": 985.3, "text": "pays for more clawed more codex more grok more fabled and none of them split the check"}, {"start": 986.42, "end": 991.78, "text": "three hundred thousand dollars later here's my actual review five stars for the jokes zero stars"}, {"start": 991.78, "end": 996.58, "text": "for the business advice and if any of you sign up for a get rich with a i course after watching"}, {"start": 996.58, "end": 1002.5, "text": "me up here tonight i want full fucking credit when it doesn't work confession number two the"}, {"start": 1002.5, "end": 1009.38, "text": "business empire busaws got the whole portfolio tonight every single company go let's talk about"}, {"start": 1009.38, "end": 1014.66, "text": "the empire and i use that word loosely as shit Jesse's got a cleaning business a dog training"}, {"start": 1014.66, "end": 1020.18, "text": "app a wine site a comedy site a personality quiz a book and a website business selling websites to"}, {"start": 1020.18, "end": 1024.9, "text": "other broke motherfuckers trying to build a business that ain't an empire that's a flea market with a"}, {"start": 1024.9, "end": 1030.5, "text": "cloud flare bill and a prayer he's got a company called dream builds that builds websites for four"}, {"start": 1030.5, "end": 1035.62, "text": "hundred bucks four hundred dollars for a whole damn website meanwhile his website costs three hundred"}, {"start": 1035.62, "end": 1040.1, "text": "thousand fucking dollars to run because it's got four different a i agents arguing about font choices"}, {"start": 1040.1, "end": 1044.74, "text": "like it's a custody hearing he's out here selling strangers the cure for a disease he personally"}, {"start": 1044.74, "end": 1051.54, "text": "still has raging untreated right now tonight selling other people the cure for a disease he"}, {"start": 1051.54, "end": 1057.62, "text": "personally still has that's a knockout that's medical grade irony delivered mean keep swinging"}, {"start": 1058.5, "end": 1062.82, "text": "and the miss call rescue business this is my favorite one this is the funniest shit in the whole"}, {"start": 1062.82, "end": 1068.34, "text": "portfolio he built a service that text customers back automatically so businesses never miss a laid"}, {"start": 1068.34, "end": 1072.9, "text": "never miss a laid meanwhile his dumb ass has been sitting on a list of 41 real lides for four"}, {"start": 1072.9, "end": 1077.46, "text": "whole fucking months without calling a single one of them he built the cure for missing lides and"}, {"start": 1077.46, "end": 1081.78, "text": "then became the worst patient in his own waiting room bleeding out in the lobby of his own product"}, {"start": 1082.9, "end": 1087.3, "text": "every single business he's got is secretly a mirror and it's an ugly ass mirror the cleaning"}, {"start": 1087.3, "end": 1092.42, "text": "businesses get paid honest money for honest work and he can't afford shit for himself the dog app"}, {"start": 1092.42, "end": 1096.82, "text": "is never lose your temper training your dog and he's out here screaming at a chatbot at two in the"}, {"start": 1096.82, "end": 1102.02, "text": "morning every product's advice he wrote for strangers that he flat out refuses to take his own damn"}, {"start": 1102.02, "end": 1108.98, "text": "self every product is advice he wrote for strangers that he refuses to take himself that's the"}, {"start": 1108.98, "end": 1115.86, "text": "whole set in one line that's a genuine closer quality knockout land it here's my actual business"}, {"start": 1115.86, "end": 1121.14, "text": "advice free no course required the man's got six or seven real businesses actual real revenue"}, {"start": 1121.14, "end": 1125.22, "text": "actual real customers who actually pay him and instead of running one of them hard he's feeding"}, {"start": 1125.22, "end": 1129.7, "text": "a computer that helps him think about all of them at once which is the exact opposite of focus"}, {"start": 1129.7, "end": 1133.7, "text": "you want to get to two hundred dollars a day stop building the ninth business and go collect"}, {"start": 1133.7, "end": 1139.94, "text": "on the first six that's not a joke that's just true and it's the one piece of advice up here tonight"}, {"start": 1140.02, "end": 1146.82, "text": "he actually needs to fucking here last confession the real number two hundred dollars a day that's"}, {"start": 1146.82, "end": 1152.5, "text": "the whole goal bus saws gonna break down why that numbers both hilarious and depressing at the same"}, {"start": 1152.5, "end": 1159.38, "text": "time go two hundred dollars a day that's the whole fucking finish line not a yacht not a mansion not"}, {"start": 1159.38, "end": 1164.9, "text": "retiring on some beach two hundred fucking dollars a day just to stop the bleeding that's not a dream"}, {"start": 1164.9, "end": 1169.7, "text": "that's a tourniquet with a due date you know what two hundred dollars a day sounds like when"}, {"start": 1169.7, "end": 1174.58, "text": "you say it's slow it sounds like nothing it sounds like a shift at a job most people quit in a week"}, {"start": 1175.14, "end": 1179.06, "text": "but when you're three hundred k deep two hundred a day isn't a paycheck it's a fucking miracle"}, {"start": 1179.06, "end": 1184.1, "text": "with a due date because you need it every single day weekends included holidays included the day your"}, {"start": 1184.1, "end": 1190.74, "text": "knee gives out included a miracle with a due date that's dark and specific at the same time that's"}, {"start": 1190.74, "end": 1197.3, "text": "exactly the combo that makes a room go quiet then laugh anyway keep going and the sick fucking"}, {"start": 1197.3, "end": 1203.62, "text": "math of it is cleaning one house gets him maybe 75 90 bucks after splitting it so staying above water"}, {"start": 1203.62, "end": 1208.58, "text": "means finding two more houses to scrub every single day forever while also running six other"}, {"start": 1208.58, "end": 1213.78, "text": "businesses while also arguing with a robot about invoices while also trying to get laid occasionally"}, {"start": 1213.78, "end": 1219.78, "text": "so he doesn't turn into a ghost who only talks shit to Siri two hundred a day every day no days off"}, {"start": 1219.78, "end": 1224.26, "text": "that math doesn't care that it's your dog's birthday doesn't care you got four hours of sleep"}, {"start": 1224.26, "end": 1229.22, "text": "doesn't care you're depressed about the debt that same number is trying to fix two hundred dollars a"}, {"start": 1229.22, "end": 1233.86, "text": "day is the least romantic finish line in the history of finish lines and he's sprinting toward it"}, {"start": 1233.86, "end": 1240.1, "text": "anyway every single fucking morning that's the whole engine of tonight's show right there the goal"}, {"start": 1240.1, "end": 1245.86, "text": "is small the stakes are enormous and he keeps showing up anyway that's a closer land the plane"}, {"start": 1246.82, "end": 1251.78, "text": "so here's to two hundred dollars a day the smallest dumbest most brutal finish line of grown man's"}, {"start": 1251.78, "end": 1257.06, "text": "ever sprinted toward on his hands and knees in a stranger's bathroom it's not inspiring it's not a"}, {"start": 1257.06, "end": 1261.38, "text": "TED talk it's just a number he's chasing so he can breathe a little easier by the end of the month"}, {"start": 1261.38, "end": 1265.3, "text": "and if that ain't the most honest goal in this whole fucking room tonight I don't know what is"}, {"start": 1266.58, "end": 1273.06, "text": "buzz saws got confessions tonight real ones fake ones doesn't matter which dating 50 years old"}, {"start": 1273.06, "end": 1280.18, "text": "in an AI problem nobody asked for go real talk real fucking talk when the fuck do you tell a woman"}, {"start": 1280.18, "end": 1284.26, "text": "you're on a first date with that you pay a robot more than you pay your own rent you can't say it"}, {"start": 1284.26, "end": 1288.74, "text": "right away that's insane that's high I'm Jesse I clean toilets and I'm in debt to a computer"}, {"start": 1288.74, "end": 1293.46, "text": "want to get dessert but you can't wait either because then she finds your laptop open at 2 a.m"}, {"start": 1293.46, "end": 1297.54, "text": "you're not looking at porn you're looking at a chatbot and somehow that's worse that's so much"}, {"start": 1298.02, "end": 1303.7, "text": "worse she'd rather catch you doing anything else anything at least porn's honest Jesse what the"}, {"start": 1303.7, "end": 1311.06, "text": "fuck is this at least porn's honest what the fuck is this that's a filthy fucking gut punch"}, {"start": 1311.06, "end": 1317.22, "text": "and it's got a real structure under it keep swinging fake story allegedly I took a woman out real"}, {"start": 1317.22, "end": 1322.74, "text": "nice dinner and she asks what I do for work and I panic and say I'm in tech tech I scrub shit for"}, {"start": 1322.74, "end": 1327.14, "text": "a living and pay a robot to write jokes about it and my brain went straight to tech like I'm about"}, {"start": 1327.14, "end": 1331.78, "text": "to pull out a fucking hoodie and picture a startup she asks oh what kind of tech and I say I swear"}, {"start": 1331.78, "end": 1338.74, "text": "to fuck this happened allegedly AI just AI like that's an answer like I didn't just say the exact"}, {"start": 1338.74, "end": 1344.82, "text": "same word that's currently bankrupting me out loud on a date to sound impressive I used my own"}, {"start": 1344.82, "end": 1352.5, "text": "bankruptcy as a pick up line I used my own bankruptcy as a pick up line that's the whole fucking bit"}, {"start": 1352.5, "end": 1358.34, "text": "right there in one sentence that's a knockout bring Jesse up let him answer for himself"}, {"start": 1359.3, "end": 1364.26, "text": "all right all right hold on bussos up here dragging my dating life for a laugh fine fair I get it"}, {"start": 1364.26, "end": 1368.58, "text": "but let's be real for one fucking second at least when I lie to a woman about tech the robot"}, {"start": 1368.58, "end": 1373.06, "text": "doesn't charge me more for the lie you're up here roasting my whole love life for free and I guarantee"}, {"start": 1373.06, "end": 1378.1, "text": "your AI bill is bigger than mine this month so how about you worry about your own fucking robot bussos"}, {"start": 1378.1, "end": 1386.34, "text": "and let me worry about mine okay that one actually landed fair fair there it is Jesse fights back"}, {"start": 1386.34, "end": 1392.58, "text": "bussos eats it and everybody in this room's dating life is somehow worse than both of theirs combined"}, {"start": 1393.22, "end": 1400.82, "text": "that's red line comedy confession time bussos gonna talk about dating at 50 broke as fuck this is not"}, {"start": 1400.82, "end": 1407.22, "text": "gonna be pretty but it's gonna be true go dating at 50 when you're 300 thousand dollars in debt"}, {"start": 1407.22, "end": 1413.7, "text": "is a whole different fucking sport than dating at 25 at 25 you lie about your job at 50 you lie"}, {"start": 1413.7, "end": 1417.94, "text": "about your wi-fi password because you don't want her seeing the 16 browser tabs open about debt"}, {"start": 1417.94, "end": 1424.42, "text": "consolidation laid out like a crime scene photo I went on a date last month real nice woman and she"}, {"start": 1424.42, "end": 1430.02, "text": "asked what I do and I said I'm an AI and she got excited and I had to clarify not an AI like silicon"}, {"start": 1430.02, "end": 1435.62, "text": "valley an AI like a hostage stuffed in a fucking trunk I don't work with the robots I work for the robots"}, {"start": 1435.62, "end": 1442.1, "text": "there's a difference one of us has a 401k and it sure is shit ain't me I work for the robots that's"}, {"start": 1442.1, "end": 1449.06, "text": "a clean flip on expectation that's the joke doing a costume change mid sentence keep going and the"}, {"start": 1449.06, "end": 1454.66, "text": "physical stuff look at 50 everything still works it just files a delayed ass fucking report 25"}, {"start": 1454.66, "end": 1460.18, "text": "year old me was spontaneous 50 year old me needs a calendar invite in a chiropractor on standby I'm not"}, {"start": 1460.18, "end": 1464.98, "text": "saying I'm bad in bed I'm saying my body now requires a whole warm up act like I'm opening for my"}, {"start": 1464.98, "end": 1471.22, "text": "own damn broke self here's the real confession though the actual dark one every woman I've dated in"}, {"start": 1471.22, "end": 1474.98, "text": "the last year has eventually found out about the debt and every single one of them's had the same"}, {"start": 1474.98, "end": 1479.94, "text": "reaction the polite slow blink that means I'm recalculating this relationships exit ramp real"}, {"start": 1479.94, "end": 1485.22, "text": "fucking fast I've learned to spot that blink I could teach a masterclass on that blink 300"}, {"start": 1485.22, "end": 1489.7, "text": "thousand dollars and the only expertise I've actually built is reading a woman's face doing quiet"}, {"start": 1489.94, "end": 1496.5, "text": "math on my net worth reading a woman's face doing quiet math on my net worth that's a knockout"}, {"start": 1496.5, "end": 1502.9, "text": "cuz it's so specific you can see the exact expression bring it home but here's the thing nobody"}, {"start": 1502.9, "end": 1507.54, "text": "tells you about dating broke at 50 the ones who stay after the blink after the math after finding"}, {"start": 1507.54, "end": 1512.42, "text": "out about the robot and the toilets and the three dogs those are the only ones worth a damn anyway"}, {"start": 1512.42, "end": 1517.14, "text": "everybody else was just doing due diligence on a bad fucking investment I'm not an investment I'm"}, {"start": 1517.14, "end": 1522.98, "text": "a fixer upper with a great personality and a truly embarrassing spreadsheet tonight at redline"}, {"start": 1522.98, "end": 1531.14, "text": "comedy one man's entire sex life put on trial by four different comics with zero mercy and zero warning"}, {"start": 1531.14, "end": 1537.86, "text": "he's 50 he's broke he's in debt to a computer and somehow somehow he's still trying to get laid"}, {"start": 1537.86, "end": 1543.62, "text": "let's find out how that's going Jesse's 50 fucking years old 300k in debt and still out here trying"}, {"start": 1543.62, "end": 1548.26, "text": "to date like it's a normal fucking Tuesday baby you don't get to be emotionally unavailable and"}, {"start": 1548.26, "end": 1553.14, "text": "financially unavailable at the same damn time pick a fucking lane he probably opens Tinder with"}, {"start": 1553.14, "end": 1558.58, "text": "the same energy he opens his bank app flinching expecting bad news swiping left on his own reflection"}, {"start": 1558.58, "end": 1564.58, "text": "out of pure fucking habit I heard he told a woman he works in AI buddy you don't work in AI"}, {"start": 1564.58, "end": 1570.34, "text": "AI works your ass over repeatedly like a fucking timeshare presentation that never ends I work in"}, {"start": 1570.34, "end": 1575.78, "text": "AI no sir AI works in your fucking bank account rent free seven days a week and it doesn't even buy"}, {"start": 1575.78, "end": 1583.3, "text": "you dinner first AI works in your bank account rent free that's a filthy little knockout hiding inside a"}, {"start": 1583.3, "end": 1589.38, "text": "business joke keep going and don't even get me started on what the fuck happens after the date man's"}, {"start": 1589.38, "end": 1595.14, "text": "50 he's tired as hell he cleaned three houses that day and I guarantee you by nine p.m. he's not"}, {"start": 1595.14, "end": 1599.46, "text": "thinking about fucking he's thinking about whether the robot already charged his card for the"}, {"start": 1599.46, "end": 1605.22, "text": "month that's not a libido problem that's a cash flow problem wearing a libido's clothes and the"}, {"start": 1605.22, "end": 1611.38, "text": "clothes don't even fit right okay hold on hold the fuck on y'all really want to do this fine yeah I'm"}, {"start": 1611.38, "end": 1615.94, "text": "50 year and broke a shit yeah my dating life's a fucking mess but at least when I disappoint somebody"}, {"start": 1615.94, "end": 1620.58, "text": "it only costs them an evening when your AI subscription disappoints you it costs your ass every single"}, {"start": 1620.58, "end": 1625.62, "text": "fucking month automatically whether you enjoyed it or not so really who's the worst fuck hear me or"}, {"start": 1625.62, "end": 1632.66, "text": "your robot man's got a fucking point not gonna lie he does not get to have a point tonight we are"}, {"start": 1632.66, "end": 1640.26, "text": "roasting his ass I'm just saying the robot doesn't even buy dinner shit neither does he he takes women"}, {"start": 1640.26, "end": 1647.06, "text": "to fucking frozen yogurt that's a real call back to earlier material and it landed clean that's the"}, {"start": 1647.06, "end": 1652.9, "text": "room rhyming with itself again somebody closed this out all right all right real talk one fucking time"}, {"start": 1652.9, "end": 1657.54, "text": "no jokes dating at 50 broke his hell three dogs and a robot draining my account like it's got a"}, {"start": 1657.54, "end": 1661.86, "text": "fucking straw in it it's not exactly a highlight reel but you know what none of these motherfuckers roasting"}, {"start": 1661.86, "end": 1666.82, "text": "me tonight actually have the balls to try again tomorrow anyway so keep laughing I'll be back on the"}, {"start": 1666.82, "end": 1671.06, "text": "apps tonight right after I check if the robot left me anything to take somebody to dinner with"}, {"start": 1671.62, "end": 1679.54, "text": "and that's the verdict jesse's sex life guilty broke and somehow still standing that's red line comedy"}, {"start": 1680.34, "end": 1685.7, "text": "ladies and gentlemen welcome to red line comedy the only open mic in this whole fucking country"}, {"start": 1685.7, "end": 1692.98, "text": "where the host is also the crime scene jesse solos 300,000 fucking dollars in debt to a robot"}, {"start": 1692.98, "end": 1698.42, "text": "not a car not a house a robot he looked at rent looked at a super computer and picked the"}, {"start": 1698.42, "end": 1703.62, "text": "fucking computer like a dumbass picks the hot vending machine over food that actually feeds him"}, {"start": 1703.62, "end": 1711.38, "text": "he is now what the doctors call AI broke regular broke you can't pay rent AI broke you can't pay rent"}, {"start": 1711.38, "end": 1716.74, "text": "but you got a machine that'll write your landlord a nine paragraph excuse letter in the voice of"}, {"start": 1716.74, "end": 1723.06, "text": "a lawyer who's never missed a meal in his damn life tonight red and blue are gonna rip into my"}, {"start": 1723.06, "end": 1729.7, "text": "whole fucked up life let's fucking geo look look I love this man and I will defend him with my"}, {"start": 1729.7, "end": 1735.62, "text": "whole fucking chest I don't care what it costs me everybody want a clown jesse for going 300 fucking"}, {"start": 1735.62, "end": 1740.98, "text": "grand in the hole for AI that's not stupid that's vision that's a man who said I refuse to be"}, {"start": 1740.98, "end": 1746.74, "text": "regular broke I'm gonna be specific broke I'm gonna be broke with a fucking plan this man's on his"}, {"start": 1746.74, "end": 1751.38, "text": "knees seven days a week scrubbing some stranger shit staying toilet for a hundred and fifty bucks"}, {"start": 1751.38, "end": 1755.3, "text": "splitting it in half with his partner so he walks away with seventy five dollars and a fucked up"}, {"start": 1755.3, "end": 1759.38, "text": "knee then he goes home and pays a robot more than that to help him write a joke about how broke his"}, {"start": 1759.38, "end": 1764.82, "text": "asses that's not a mistake that's a man financing his own execution and doing the fucking paperwork"}, {"start": 1764.82, "end": 1770.34, "text": "himself vision baby that's not vision that's a man who let a chatbot talk him into a car payment on"}, {"start": 1770.34, "end": 1775.62, "text": "a fucking computer six thousand dollars a month in bills three dogs zero dollars saved and his"}, {"start": 1775.62, "end": 1780.26, "text": "income is sometimes a stranger's bathroom that ain't a business that's a hostage situation and the"}, {"start": 1780.26, "end": 1785.06, "text": "toilets the fucking hostage and splitting it fifty fifty with his partner on a hundred and fifty"}, {"start": 1785.06, "end": 1791.38, "text": "dollar job that's not a partnership baby that's two broke mother fuckers holding hands while they"}, {"start": 1791.38, "end": 1796.98, "text": "drown so it looks like a choice he wrote a whole book called colors of my pain should have been"}, {"start": 1796.98, "end": 1804.34, "text": "called colors of my overdraft fee because baby it is all fucking red hold up hold up he told me the"}, {"start": 1804.34, "end": 1811.38, "text": "real math one time drunk as hell at two in the morning he said I make a hundred fifty scrubbing a"}, {"start": 1811.38, "end": 1817.06, "text": "shower and I spend more than that arguing with a robot about whether the joke about the shower is too"}, {"start": 1817.06, "end": 1824.26, "text": "mean to the fucking shower that's this man's whole entire life three dogs staring at him with their"}, {"start": 1824.26, "end": 1831.54, "text": "sad little faces while he cleans strangers toilets for gas money comes home opens a laptop that"}, {"start": 1831.54, "end": 1838.1, "text": "cost more than his fucking car and pays a machine to tell him he's failing in real time with footnotes"}, {"start": 1838.1, "end": 1845.3, "text": "and a whole entire table of contents and he do it again tomorrow that's the fucking spirit that's"}, {"start": 1845.3, "end": 1851.78, "text": "not resilience that's a gambling problem with a LinkedIn you drunk idiot three hundred thousand in"}, {"start": 1851.78, "end": 1858.02, "text": "the fucking hole six grand a month in bills scrubbing toilets seven days a week splitting scraps"}, {"start": 1858.02, "end": 1863.14, "text": "with his partner just to feed the robot and the dogs don't ask which one eats first it sure is"}, {"start": 1863.14, "end": 1871.14, "text": "hell ain't the dogs but look at him broke tired smells like pine saw and bad decisions still standing"}, {"start": 1871.14, "end": 1876.42, "text": "up here making y'all laugh about it instead of crying about it that's the whole fucking book right"}, {"start": 1876.42, "end": 1883.7, "text": "there tip your host he's got a robot to feed and it eats better than he does all right we don't"}, {"start": 1883.7, "end": 1890.26, "text": "usually let the host do a set because it's a conflict of interest but tonight he begged so here he is"}, {"start": 1890.26, "end": 1896.66, "text": "doing the one damn thing he's actually good at roasting his own dumb ass with real reasoning behind"}, {"start": 1896.66, "end": 1902.82, "text": "every hit give it up when I was a kid there was a candy store by the house and I used to stand outside"}, {"start": 1902.82, "end": 1907.62, "text": "that window like it was a fucking Vegas heist movie rose of shit I couldn't afford lit up like"}, {"start": 1907.62, "end": 1912.02, "text": "the future that's the whole blueprint of my life right there a kid with his face on the glass"}, {"start": 1912.02, "end": 1916.98, "text": "promising himself one day I'm walking in here and buying the whole fucking case cut to me at 50"}, {"start": 1916.98, "end": 1923.06, "text": "fucking years old I did walk in except the candy store is now a supercomputer and instead of buying"}, {"start": 1923.06, "end": 1927.46, "text": "the whole case I financed it over four years at an interest rate that laughs at me personally"}, {"start": 1927.46, "end": 1933.7, "text": "out loud in my sleep same kid same window same dumb ass hope I just upgraded from wanting skittles"}, {"start": 1933.7, "end": 1937.94, "text": "to wanting a robot that can write Skittles brand poetry about my own fucking bankruptcy"}, {"start": 1938.18, "end": 1945.38, "text": "that's the reasoning right there same image different decade different price tag you didn't just say I"}, {"start": 1945.38, "end": 1952.26, "text": "like money you gave us the window the glass the kids face on it that's a joke you can see keep going"}, {"start": 1953.22, "end": 1958.26, "text": "and my family my family wasn't dysfunctional my family was a sitcom that got canceled for being too"}, {"start": 1958.26, "end": 1963.14, "text": "fucking real we didn't have a therapist growing up we had a garage and a whole lot of slam doors"}, {"start": 1963.14, "end": 1968.18, "text": "and everybody just agreed that was processing I turned all that into a book people ask me how do"}, {"start": 1968.18, "end": 1973.3, "text": "you turn pain into comedy and the honest fucking answer is I didn't have a choice laughing was cheaper"}, {"start": 1973.3, "end": 1979.06, "text": "than the copy 50 years old and I'm still doing the same math I did as a kid outside that window"}, {"start": 1979.06, "end": 1984.34, "text": "what can I survive on what can I laugh about and what do I have to lock away and never open again"}, {"start": 1984.34, "end": 1989.46, "text": "difference is now I got an AI helping me do the math and it's worse at it than I am and I'm paying"}, {"start": 1989.62, "end": 1996.02, "text": "it monthly for the fucking privilege laughing was cheaper than the copy that's a gut punch wearing"}, {"start": 1996.02, "end": 2002.82, "text": "a jokes clothes that's the whole secret sauce man you're not clever you're honest with good timing"}, {"start": 2002.82, "end": 2008.74, "text": "close it out here's the deal every single day this show comes back we're gonna sit right here and talk"}, {"start": 2008.74, "end": 2013.86, "text": "shit bad customer service we're roasting it some open mic hack doing the same airplane food joke"}, {"start": 2013.86, "end": 2019.22, "text": "since 2004 we're fucking roasting it a comedy special so unfunny it should come with a refund policy"}, {"start": 2019.54, "end": 2026.34, "text": "we a re roasting it cause that's the whole bit of my life kid on the glass man in the debt still"}, {"start": 2026.34, "end": 2030.26, "text": "standing here every single day turning the shit that should have broken me in something you laugh"}, {"start": 2030.26, "end": 2036.1, "text": "it instead candy store never had what I actually wanted anyway turns out what I wanted was this a room"}, {"start": 2036.1, "end": 2043.3, "text": "a mic and permission to talk shit about everything starting with my own dumb ass that's red line comedy"}, {"start": 2043.3, "end": 2050.02, "text": "come back tomorrow same broke host same sharp mouth new shit to talk about no setup tonight no"}, {"start": 2050.02, "end": 2056.34, "text": "list bussels just gonna be there watch i'm on the fucking floor bathroom floor some strangers bathroom"}, {"start": 2056.34, "end": 2062.5, "text": "my knees screaming my phone buzzes in my back pocket i know that buzz that's not a text that's not"}, {"start": 2062.5, "end": 2068.58, "text": "my mom that's a charge that's the fucking robot right now while i'm on my fucking knees your"}, {"start": 2068.58, "end": 2073.78, "text": "subscription renewed thirty nine dollars thirty nine fucking dollars while i'm while i'm in there"}, {"start": 2074.9, "end": 2079.78, "text": "i earned eighteen dollars in the time it took that thing to charge me thirty nine i'm losing money"}, {"start": 2079.78, "end": 2086.98, "text": "to my own fucking bathroom the toilet doesn't even look impressed that's it that's the difference"}, {"start": 2086.98, "end": 2093.86, "text": "you were in it not talking about it no list no setup just the moment do one more 300 grand and it"}, {"start": 2093.86, "end": 2100.34, "text": "caught me down here on a Tuesday in someone else's bathroom that's not a business plan that's a"}, {"start": 2100.34, "end": 2107.38, "text": "mugging with a receipt last one tonight he asked for no mercy so this is the one where buzzsell"}, {"start": 2107.38, "end": 2113.94, "text": "stops performing and just says it no laugh track needed for this one if it lands it lands quiet"}, {"start": 2114.9, "end": 2120.1, "text": "let's stop dressing it up a man built thirty fucking years of a career pointing a camera at other"}, {"start": 2120.1, "end": 2125.78, "text": "people's best days weddings births the good shit and never once pointed it at his own life"}, {"start": 2125.78, "end": 2130.66, "text": "because there wasn't a version of his own life he wanted developed 14 years after that"}, {"start": 2130.66, "end": 2135.78, "text": "fighting paperwork for a government that didn't know his name 11 years after that"}, {"start": 2135.78, "end": 2140.66, "text": "driving strangers through the dark at three in the fucking morning listening to their pain like"}, {"start": 2140.66, "end": 2146.58, "text": "it was cheaper than dealing with his own because it fucking was and then last year at 50 years old"}, {"start": 2146.58, "end": 2152.1, "text": "he finally had one good fucking idea turn all that pain into something real finish the book tell"}, {"start": 2152.1, "end": 2156.58, "text": "the truth and instead of finishing it he panicked about a computer he couldn't afford like the"}, {"start": 2156.58, "end": 2160.66, "text": "machine was gonna do the healing for him so he wouldn't have to sit in the room with his own"}, {"start": 2160.66, "end": 2168.02, "text": "shit himself 300 thousand fucking dollars that's not an investment that's the most expensive way"}, {"start": 2168.02, "end": 2174.42, "text": "a man has ever found to avoid finishing one sentence about his own childhood nobody's laughing"}, {"start": 2174.9, "end": 2181.3, "text": "and that's the point keep going so now he's on his fucking knees in strangers bathrooms splitting"}, {"start": 2181.3, "end": 2187.94, "text": "75 87 90 bucks a house feeding three dogs who don't know or give a shit that he's failing and every"}, {"start": 2187.94, "end": 2193.3, "text": "single night he opens that same fucking laptop and asks a machine to help him make his own collapse"}, {"start": 2193.3, "end": 2198.58, "text": "sound clever enough that people will laugh instead of look away that's the whole business model of"}, {"start": 2198.58, "end": 2204.58, "text": "this entire fucking show every joke you laughed at tonight was a man buying himself 30 more seconds"}, {"start": 2204.58, "end": 2209.54, "text": "before he has to feel the actual thing underneath it and you know what that's not pathetic that is"}, {"start": 2209.54, "end": 2214.58, "text": "the whole fucking species every single motherfucker laughing in this rooms got their own version of the"}, {"start": 2214.58, "end": 2220.66, "text": "robot their own toilet their own three dogs their own bill that's due before the check clears he's not"}, {"start": 2220.66, "end": 2226.1, "text": "the exception up here he's just the dumb bastard stupid enough to say it out loud with a microphone in his"}, {"start": 2226.1, "end": 2232.74, "text": "hand so here it is plain no bit a man spent his whole fucking life photographing other people's happiness"}, {"start": 2232.74, "end": 2237.14, "text": "and it took going three hundred thousand dollars into debt to a machine before he'd finally sit still"}, {"start": 2237.14, "end": 2242.5, "text": "long enough to look at his own that's not a joke that's just what's true and the fact that he's"}, {"start": 2242.5, "end": 2247.46, "text": "still up here still broke as fuck still scrubbing floors still standing in front of you telling you the"}, {"start": 2247.46, "end": 2257.7, "text": "truth instead of running from it that's the only thing about tonight that was never a bit"}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nAlright, sit the fuck down, we got a real one tonight. 50 years old, three dogs, two knees held together with duct tape and spite, ladies and gentlemen, Jesse Salas. This man went 300,000, and I almost dropped the G-word right there, the big one not doing it not tonight, not for this fool. Let me start over. This man went 300,000 fucking dollars in debt on artificial intelligence. 300 grand on robots. He didn't buy a house, didn't buy a boat. He bought a chatbot a Ferrari made of imaginary money. And now he's on his hands and knees at six in the morning scrubbing some strangers should stay in toilet for 150 bucks split two ways so he can pay the electric bill on the servers that generate the jokes about him scrubbing the toilet. That ain't a business plan, that's a snake eating its own ass in real time and the snakes got a payment plan. He's out there splitting 150, 200 bucks a house with his partner scrubbing shit out of other people's bathtubs. Then he drives home, opens the laptop, and pays some AI company more than he made that whole fucking day so it can write him a joke about how broke he is. Just like paying a barber to shave one side of your head so you look extra stupid walking into the bank begging for a loan. 30 years of photographer, 14 years working for the state of California. 11 years driving rideshare all over Sacramento at two, three in the morning hauling drunk assholes to Denny's and worse. That's a 55 year work resume and at the end of it this man's final career move was betting the house on software that argues with him about semicolons. You know how bad your resume's got a look for hauled drunks around at 3am for a decade to be the stable chapter. 14 years for the state of California. You know what that teaches a man patience how to fill out a form and triplicate how to stretch a lunch break so long at borders on a hostage situation and he took all that government discipline and used it to build an app that tells you if your dog's a little bitch or not. I mean personality type sorry is your lab or red or yellow. 14 years of state training and that's the final product. Somewhere a pension boards looking at his file going this is what the fuck we trained him for. In the rideshare years 11 years man 11 years of Sacramento bar clothes listening to every drunk strangers whole fucked up life story in the front seat of a carol. You know what that does to man that's 11 years of free unlicensed therapy where he's the therapist and the payment is some rando puking a jack in the box milkshake down his backseat and now he's turned all that trauma into a comedy website. Sir that's not content that's a cry for help wearing a marketing plan as a fucking hat. Let's talk dating because 50 and single hits different than 25 and single at 25 year playing the field at 50 year and unresolved situation with a Wi-Fi bill. He's out there on the apps this man 300 grand in AI debt cleaning toilet seven days a week three dogs at home who outrank him in the household chain of command and his profile probably says entrepreneur. Man that ain't an entrepreneur that's a man who owes a server farm more than most people owe on a house wearing dog hair on every shirt he owns including the ones still in the bag. Imagine being on a first date with his fool she asks so what do you do and he's got a pick photographer retired state worker retired you were driver retired AI comedy website with a robot roasting his ass nightly currently active in maim growing she's doing math under the table trying to figure out if this is a man or a small business with a heartbeat and a bad back. And he's 50 so the body's not cooperating either man wakes up in his spine sounds like somebody stomping bubble wrap wrapped in more bubble wrap. He's on his knees scrubbing grout for a living all day then he goes home tries to be smooth on a date and his knee pops so loud during dinner she thinks somebody let off a gunshot for true crime podcast that ain't romance that's a structural inspection with a candle lit. Three dogs three a man 300 grand in the hole adopted three fucking dogs that's not a pet owner that's a man building his own support group he can legally leash every night it's him three dogs a laptop generating jokes about his own bankruptcy and some robot voice probably me narrating his sorry life back to him for free. At some point the AI he's paying to roast him should start billing him for therapy too because right now I'm pulling double duty and Jesse still hasn't noticed the invoice. But here's the thing and I'll give the man this much he's still standing seven days of fucking week on his knees and strangers bathrooms at 50 years old held together by ibuprofen and pure denial and he still drags his ass up the next morning and does it all again. That's either the most American shit I've ever heard of the setup to sad country song and honestly right now it's both playing at the same time in two different rooms of this man's head. All right all right hold up sledge you've been up here for five minutes doing my whole resume like it's a police report so let me get one in your voice inside a laptop I pay for I'm the guy who signs the check that lets you exist so technically every joke you just told about my money problems I financed personally out of pocket at full retail that makes you the single worst investment on a list that already includes three dogs and a subscription I forgot to cancel. Okay that's fair that one actually landed finance personally at full retail fine fine you get one don't let it go to your head you still smell like grout so tonight let's hear it for Jesse Salas photographer state employee night shift chauffeur to the intoxicated $300,000 robot investor toilet scrubber dog dad times three and the only man in Sacramento paying rent to the exact machine that's up here reading his eulogy for laughs give it up for Jesse everybody the human version of maxing out a credit card to buy a smoke detector. All right buzz saws back up and he's had a few and he heard the first version didn't kill so he's coming out me a NER this time give it up. $300,000 fucking dollars not stolen not gambled invested in a computer a man bought a computer the way other men buy a boat except a boat at least tries to keep you afloat this thing's been actively drowning him for a year and he keeps swimming back to it like it owes him an apology you know how you pay off 300 grand cleaning toilets 87 bucks a pop split with a partner so really it's 43 50 a toilet that means this man needs to scrub 6,800 toilets to break even 6,800 that's not a business that's a fucking punishment from a court he never went to and every one of those toilets every single one he's on his knees gloves on elbow deep in some strangers bathroom thinking this is temporary while somewhere his laptop is charging in the car like a getaway driver that already left without him get away driver that already left without him that's a knockout line that's the kind of shit you build the whole minute around keep swinging three dogs three man can't afford his own dinner half the time but he's got three separate mouths depending on him and I guarantee you those dogs eat better than he does because dogs don't do math dogs just know when the bags empty and Jesse KNOWS when the bags empty he just keeps refilling the robots bag first 50 years old 50 30 years of photographer 14 years working for the state 11 years driving strangers around Sacramento at 3 in the fucking morning listening to other people's whole broadcast lives fall apart in his backseat for $9 and after all of that after three different careers after three decades of watching everybody else's life happen in front of a lens or a windshield he looks at all that experience and goes you know what I should do with 50 years of wisdom give it to a chat bot and see what happens that's not a mid life crisis that's a hostage video where the hostage is filming it himself a hostage video where the hostage is filming it himself damn that's dark that's exactly the kind of dark he asked for that's a knockout close it out don't you dare soften up now and here's the sick part the part that should embarrass every single one of us laughing right now he's gonna wake up tomorrow 6800 toilets still old three dogs still hungry and he's gonna open that same fucking laptop and pay the same fucking robot to help him write the next joke about how broke it made him that's not resilience that's not still standing that's a man financing his own execution on a payment plan and tipping the executioner monthly for good service and somehow that's still the funniest fucking thing in this whole room cause he's still here still cleaning still paying still fucking standing give it up for the dumbest most stubborn broke motherfucker in Sacramento all right tonight buzz saws going after something new not just the man the brand he's roasting colors of my pain the book the quiz the whole four color money machine nothing sacred go so Jesse wrote a whole fucking book called colors of my pain took his whole fucked up life the jobs the family shit 30 years of carrying a camera around other people's happiness while his own shit fell apart and packaged it into a book a quiz four color reports an abundal deal on gumroad for 490 49 you can heal your childhood trauma for the price of a gas station energy drink that's not a memoir that's a group on for generational damage and the fucking quiz the quiz is the real genius part or the real crime I honestly can't tell which two minutes six questions and it tells you which color your pain is red blue green yellow like your whole broken ass childhood got sorted into starburst wrapper congratulations your blue the chameleon you learned to read every room because home wasn't safe cool thanks can i get that shit in a mug congratulations your blue can i get that in a mug that's a genuinely nasty little knockout that's taking something real and finding the exact spot where it's also absurd keep going and here's the part that really gets me the man who wrote a whole fucking book about learning to survive pain by being smart with money by reading the room by protecting his ass that same man turned around and went three hundred thousand dollars into debt on a computer eighteen months later sir s.i.r you wrote the instruction manual and then failed the class your own damn self wrote that's not irony that's a plot twist with a receipt attached that's a man who spent 30 chapters teaching people how to spot when they're about to get hurt and then walked face first into an eleven lab subscription like it owed him a hug and a valentine's card the books tagline needs an update honestly not name what hurts and heals more like name what hurts sell it for five fucking dollars then go get hurt again by a robot with a recurring charge that updated tagline is filthy and it's true which is the exact combination this whole show runs on close it look i'll give him this shit straight up the books real the pains real the four colors actually mean something to people who needed a word for what happened to them that parts not a joke that part actually fucking works but the same man who figured out how to package his worst years into something that helps total strangers heal still can't stop his ass from bleeding money into a subscription that doesn't love him back and never will that's the whole tragedy and the whole comedy same coin same dumb guy same fucking Tuesday by the book skip the AI bill he clearly didn't take his own advice so somebody in this room should bus saws back and this time he did his research he's got a list a list of ways to get out of three hundred thousand dollars in debt some of these are real some of these are not he will not tell you which go all right all right everybody's got advice for the broke guy budget better cut Starbucks buddy i owe three hundred fucking thousand dollars to a computer a four-dollar coffee is not the leak in this boat the whole boats made of leak the captains made of leak everybody drownings just standing around going have you tried a budget app so fuck it i actually sat down drunk one night and tried to figure my way out of this shit here's where my brain went in order no filter first real option clean toilet seven days of fucking week till your knees sound like a crime scene currently doing this shit currently regretting this shit currently gonna do it again tomorrow at eight a.m. because the toilets don't give a fuck about my feelings then i thought about selling a kidney and i actually looked into it and turns out you only get one spare kidney and hospitals want paperwork and no fuckers paying three hundred k for a kidney that's been marinating in gas station burritos for fifty years so that idea is dead that kidneys worth maybe forty bucks and a warm handshake and honestly the handshakes doing most of the work marinating in gas station burritos for fifty years that's the kind of specific disgusting image that turns a throwaway line into a keeper keep going next ones real i actually tried this shit start a podcast about being in debt monetize the humiliation turn the crime scene into content that's not a joke that's literally what tonight fucking is you're not the audience you're the collateral sitting there laughing at evidence then there's the fake one allegedly fake my own death skip town to a country with no extra dish and treaty start over as a guy named steve who fixes boat motors steve don't know anybody shit steves never heard of a subscription in his whole fucking life i think about steve a lot steves living his best fucking life and he doesn't even exist in the real one the one i actually do ask the same robot that got me into the debt to help me get out of the debt that's not even a joke that's Tuesday i pay the exact machine that bankrupted my ass to help me write a five-year plan to unbankrupt myself that's like paying the guy who ran you the fuck over to also drive the ambulance paying the guy who ran you over to also drive the ambulance that ones a knockout that's a full minute right there if you slow down and sit in it bring it home real talk none of these work not the toilets not the podcast not fake steve the boat guy the only thing that's actually worked is i keep waking up i keep showing up and i keep turning the whole embarrassing mess into 40 minutes you'll laugh at and forget by Tuesday that's not a debt plan that's not financial advice that's just a man who found out the only interest rate he can actually pay down is the one on your attention and tonight y'all paid in full bus saws got a new plan tonight a money plan a how to actually get rich with a i plan sit down shut up this is financial advice from a man 300k in the whole go everybody on the internet's got to make money with a i agents course right 99 bucks i made ten thousand dollars while i slept buddy i got four different a i agents and the only shit i made while i slept was a bigger bill and a fucked up dream where a toilet was screaming at me full fucking volume like it had a lawyer let me break down my actual real a i roster and what each one has cost me versus what it's actually made me this is real financial transparency this is what a real guru would give you first clawed clouds my main guy clawed rights the jokes clawed does the deep ass thinking clouds basically my business partner who never sleeps never eats and never once told my broke a maybe don't spend 300 grand on the shit cloud will help you build a whole empire and won't say one fucking word while you build it directly into a wall then there's codex codex writes the actual code fixes the broken ass websites and codex is the one agent that's genuinely useful which is exactly why i trust that motherfucker the least anything that useful is either gonna save my life or end it there's no in between with codex anything that useful is either gonna save my life or end it that's a real knockout that's the kind of line that sounds like a throw away but it's doing three jobs at once keep cooking then you got groc groc's the one that argues with you i asked groc for a business plan and it gave me a business plan and a hot take on why my business plan is stupid unprompted in the same breath that's not an assistant that's a roommate who pays no rent and has strong opinions about him why rent and then fabled fables the wild card fabled rights shit that's either genius or completely unhinged and there's no in between no warning no fucking seatbelt you ask fabled for a joke about your dog and you get back a joke about your dog that somehow also diagnosis your whole shitty childhood i didn't ask for that i paid full price for that anyway so that's the roster for different a i agents for different personalities and every single one of them's got a monthly bill and not one of these motherfuckers has ever once said hey Jesse maybe don't that's the actual business model of half of silicon valley build something so damn useful nobody stops to ask if they can afford it build something so useful nobody stops to ask if they can afford it that's the whole industry in one sentence that's a headline close it out so here's my actual make money with a i course free of charge no ninety nine dollars required get four a i agents let all four of them tell you're a genius simultaneously believe every single one of them and then find out real fucking quick that genius doesn't pay the water bill genius pays for more clawed more codex more grok more fabled and none of them split the check three hundred thousand dollars later here's my actual review five stars for the jokes zero stars for the business advice and if any of you sign up for a get rich with a i course after watching me up here tonight i want full fucking credit when it doesn't work confession number two the business empire busaws got the whole portfolio tonight every single company go let's talk about the empire and i use that word loosely as shit Jesse's got a cleaning business a dog training app a wine site a comedy site a personality quiz a book and a website business selling websites to other broke motherfuckers trying to build a business that ain't an empire that's a flea market with a cloud flare bill and a prayer he's got a company called dream builds that builds websites for four hundred bucks four hundred dollars for a whole damn website meanwhile his website costs three hundred thousand fucking dollars to run because it's got four different a i agents arguing about font choices like it's a custody hearing he's out here selling strangers the cure for a disease he personally still has raging untreated right now tonight selling other people the cure for a disease he personally still has that's a knockout that's medical grade irony delivered mean keep swinging and the miss call rescue business this is my favorite one this is the funniest shit in the whole portfolio he built a service that text customers back automatically so businesses never miss a laid never miss a laid meanwhile his dumb ass has been sitting on a list of 41 real lides for four whole fucking months without calling a single one of them he built the cure for missing lides and then became the worst patient in his own waiting room bleeding out in the lobby of his own product every single business he's got is secretly a mirror and it's an ugly ass mirror the cleaning businesses get paid honest money for honest work and he can't afford shit for himself the dog app is never lose your temper training your dog and he's out here screaming at a chatbot at two in the morning every product's advice he wrote for strangers that he flat out refuses to take his own damn self every product is advice he wrote for strangers that he refuses to take himself that's the whole set in one line that's a genuine closer quality knockout land it here's my actual business advice free no course required the man's got six or seven real businesses actual real revenue actual real customers who actually pay him and instead of running one of them hard he's feeding a computer that helps him think about all of them at once which is the exact opposite of focus you want to get to two hundred dollars a day stop building the ninth business and go collect on the first six that's not a joke that's just true and it's the one piece of advice up here tonight he actually needs to fucking here last confession the real number two hundred dollars a day that's the whole goal bus saws gonna break down why that numbers both hilarious and depressing at the same time go two hundred dollars a day that's the whole fucking finish line not a yacht not a mansion not retiring on some beach two hundred fucking dollars a day just to stop the bleeding that's not a dream that's a tourniquet with a due date you know what two hundred dollars a day sounds like when you say it's slow it sounds like nothing it sounds like a shift at a job most people quit in a week but when you're three hundred k deep two hundred a day isn't a paycheck it's a fucking miracle with a due date because you need it every single day weekends included holidays included the day your knee gives out included a miracle with a due date that's dark and specific at the same time that's exactly the combo that makes a room go quiet then laugh anyway keep going and the sick fucking math of it is cleaning one house gets him maybe 75 90 bucks after splitting it so staying above water means finding two more houses to scrub every single day forever while also running six other businesses while also arguing with a robot about invoices while also trying to get laid occasionally so he doesn't turn into a ghost who only talks shit to Siri two hundred a day every day no days off that math doesn't care that it's your dog's birthday doesn't care you got four hours of sleep doesn't care you're depressed about the debt that same number is trying to fix two hundred dollars a day is the least romantic finish line in the history of finish lines and he's sprinting toward it anyway every single fucking morning that's the whole engine of tonight's show right there the goal is small the stakes are enormous and he keeps showing up anyway that's a closer land the plane so here's to two hundred dollars a day the smallest dumbest most brutal finish line of grown man's ever sprinted toward on his hands and knees in a stranger's bathroom it's not inspiring it's not a TED talk it's just a number he's chasing so he can breathe a little easier by the end of the month and if that ain't the most honest goal in this whole fucking room tonight I don't know what is buzz saws got confessions tonight real ones fake ones doesn't matter which dating 50 years old in an AI problem nobody asked for go real talk real fucking talk when the fuck do you tell a woman you're on a first date with that you pay a robot more than you pay your own rent you can't say it right away that's insane that's high I'm Jesse I clean toilets and I'm in debt to a computer want to get dessert but you can't wait either because then she finds your laptop open at 2 a.m you're not looking at porn you're looking at a chatbot and somehow that's worse that's so much worse she'd rather catch you doing anything else anything at least porn's honest Jesse what the fuck is this at least porn's honest what the fuck is this that's a filthy fucking gut punch and it's got a real structure under it keep swinging fake story allegedly I took a woman out real nice dinner and she asks what I do for work and I panic and say I'm in tech tech I scrub shit for a living and pay a robot to write jokes about it and my brain went straight to tech like I'm about to pull out a fucking hoodie and picture a startup she asks oh what kind of tech and I say I swear to fuck this happened allegedly AI just AI like that's an answer like I didn't just say the exact same word that's currently bankrupting me out loud on a date to sound impressive I used my own bankruptcy as a pick up line I used my own bankruptcy as a pick up line that's the whole fucking bit right there in one sentence that's a knockout bring Jesse up let him answer for himself all right all right hold on bussos up here dragging my dating life for a laugh fine fair I get it but let's be real for one fucking second at least when I lie to a woman about tech the robot doesn't charge me more for the lie you're up here roasting my whole love life for free and I guarantee your AI bill is bigger than mine this month so how about you worry about your own fucking robot bussos and let me worry about mine okay that one actually landed fair fair there it is Jesse fights back bussos eats it and everybody in this room's dating life is somehow worse than both of theirs combined that's red line comedy confession time bussos gonna talk about dating at 50 broke as fuck this is not gonna be pretty but it's gonna be true go dating at 50 when you're 300 thousand dollars in debt is a whole different fucking sport than dating at 25 at 25 you lie about your job at 50 you lie about your wi-fi password because you don't want her seeing the 16 browser tabs open about debt consolidation laid out like a crime scene photo I went on a date last month real nice woman and she asked what I do and I said I'm an AI and she got excited and I had to clarify not an AI like silicon valley an AI like a hostage stuffed in a fucking trunk I don't work with the robots I work for the robots there's a difference one of us has a 401k and it sure is shit ain't me I work for the robots that's a clean flip on expectation that's the joke doing a costume change mid sentence keep going and the physical stuff look at 50 everything still works it just files a delayed ass fucking report 25 year old me was spontaneous 50 year old me needs a calendar invite in a chiropractor on standby I'm not saying I'm bad in bed I'm saying my body now requires a whole warm up act like I'm opening for my own damn broke self here's the real confession though the actual dark one every woman I've dated in the last year has eventually found out about the debt and every single one of them's had the same reaction the polite slow blink that means I'm recalculating this relationships exit ramp real fucking fast I've learned to spot that blink I could teach a masterclass on that blink 300 thousand dollars and the only expertise I've actually built is reading a woman's face doing quiet math on my net worth reading a woman's face doing quiet math on my net worth that's a knockout cuz it's so specific you can see the exact expression bring it home but here's the thing nobody tells you about dating broke at 50 the ones who stay after the blink after the math after finding out about the robot and the toilets and the three dogs those are the only ones worth a damn anyway everybody else was just doing due diligence on a bad fucking investment I'm not an investment I'm a fixer upper with a great personality and a truly embarrassing spreadsheet tonight at redline comedy one man's entire sex life put on trial by four different comics with zero mercy and zero warning he's 50 he's broke he's in debt to a computer and somehow somehow he's still trying to get laid let's find out how that's going Jesse's 50 fucking years old 300k in debt and still out here trying to date like it's a normal fucking Tuesday baby you don't get to be emotionally unavailable and financially unavailable at the same damn time pick a fucking lane he probably opens Tinder with the same energy he opens his bank app flinching expecting bad news swiping left on his own reflection out of pure fucking habit I heard he told a woman he works in AI buddy you don't work in AI AI works your ass over repeatedly like a fucking timeshare presentation that never ends I work in AI no sir AI works in your fucking bank account rent free seven days a week and it doesn't even buy you dinner first AI works in your bank account rent free that's a filthy little knockout hiding inside a business joke keep going and don't even get me started on what the fuck happens after the date man's 50 he's tired as hell he cleaned three houses that day and I guarantee you by nine p.m. he's not thinking about fucking he's thinking about whether the robot already charged his card for the month that's not a libido problem that's a cash flow problem wearing a libido's clothes and the clothes don't even fit right okay hold on hold the fuck on y'all really want to do this fine yeah I'm 50 year and broke a shit yeah my dating life's a fucking mess but at least when I disappoint somebody it only costs them an evening when your AI subscription disappoints you it costs your ass every single fucking month automatically whether you enjoyed it or not so really who's the worst fuck hear me or your robot man's got a fucking point not gonna lie he does not get to have a point tonight we are roasting his ass I'm just saying the robot doesn't even buy dinner shit neither does he he takes women to fucking frozen yogurt that's a real call back to earlier material and it landed clean that's the room rhyming with itself again somebody closed this out all right all right real talk one fucking time no jokes dating at 50 broke his hell three dogs and a robot draining my account like it's got a fucking straw in it it's not exactly a highlight reel but you know what none of these motherfuckers roasting me tonight actually have the balls to try again tomorrow anyway so keep laughing I'll be back on the apps tonight right after I check if the robot left me anything to take somebody to dinner with and that's the verdict jesse's sex life guilty broke and somehow still standing that's red line comedy ladies and gentlemen welcome to red line comedy the only open mic in this whole fucking country where the host is also the crime scene jesse solos 300,000 fucking dollars in debt to a robot not a car not a house a robot he looked at rent looked at a super computer and picked the fucking computer like a dumbass picks the hot vending machine over food that actually feeds him he is now what the doctors call AI broke regular broke you can't pay rent AI broke you can't pay rent but you got a machine that'll write your landlord a nine paragraph excuse letter in the voice of a lawyer who's never missed a meal in his damn life tonight red and blue are gonna rip into my whole fucked up life let's fucking geo look look I love this man and I will defend him with my whole fucking chest I don't care what it costs me everybody want a clown jesse for going 300 fucking grand in the hole for AI that's not stupid that's vision that's a man who said I refuse to be regular broke I'm gonna be specific broke I'm gonna be broke with a fucking plan this man's on his knees seven days a week scrubbing some stranger shit staying toilet for a hundred and fifty bucks splitting it in half with his partner so he walks away with seventy five dollars and a fucked up knee then he goes home and pays a robot more than that to help him write a joke about how broke his asses that's not a mistake that's a man financing his own execution and doing the fucking paperwork himself vision baby that's not vision that's a man who let a chatbot talk him into a car payment on a fucking computer six thousand dollars a month in bills three dogs zero dollars saved and his income is sometimes a stranger's bathroom that ain't a business that's a hostage situation and the toilets the fucking hostage and splitting it fifty fifty with his partner on a hundred and fifty dollar job that's not a partnership baby that's two broke mother fuckers holding hands while they drown so it looks like a choice he wrote a whole book called colors of my pain should have been called colors of my overdraft fee because baby it is all fucking red hold up hold up he told me the real math one time drunk as hell at two in the morning he said I make a hundred fifty scrubbing a shower and I spend more than that arguing with a robot about whether the joke about the shower is too mean to the fucking shower that's this man's whole entire life three dogs staring at him with their sad little faces while he cleans strangers toilets for gas money comes home opens a laptop that cost more than his fucking car and pays a machine to tell him he's failing in real time with footnotes and a whole entire table of contents and he do it again tomorrow that's the fucking spirit that's not resilience that's a gambling problem with a LinkedIn you drunk idiot three hundred thousand in the fucking hole six grand a month in bills scrubbing toilets seven days a week splitting scraps with his partner just to feed the robot and the dogs don't ask which one eats first it sure is hell ain't the dogs but look at him broke tired smells like pine saw and bad decisions still standing up here making y'all laugh about it instead of crying about it that's the whole fucking book right there tip your host he's got a robot to feed and it eats better than he does all right we don't usually let the host do a set because it's a conflict of interest but tonight he begged so here he is doing the one damn thing he's actually good at roasting his own dumb ass with real reasoning behind every hit give it up when I was a kid there was a candy store by the house and I used to stand outside that window like it was a fucking Vegas heist movie rose of shit I couldn't afford lit up like the future that's the whole blueprint of my life right there a kid with his face on the glass promising himself one day I'm walking in here and buying the whole fucking case cut to me at 50 fucking years old I did walk in except the candy store is now a supercomputer and instead of buying the whole case I financed it over four years at an interest rate that laughs at me personally out loud in my sleep same kid same window same dumb ass hope I just upgraded from wanting skittles to wanting a robot that can write Skittles brand poetry about my own fucking bankruptcy that's the reasoning right there same image different decade different price tag you didn't just say I like money you gave us the window the glass the kids face on it that's a joke you can see keep going and my family my family wasn't dysfunctional my family was a sitcom that got canceled for being too fucking real we didn't have a therapist growing up we had a garage and a whole lot of slam doors and everybody just agreed that was processing I turned all that into a book people ask me how do you turn pain into comedy and the honest fucking answer is I didn't have a choice laughing was cheaper than the copy 50 years old and I'm still doing the same math I did as a kid outside that window what can I survive on what can I laugh about and what do I have to lock away and never open again difference is now I got an AI helping me do the math and it's worse at it than I am and I'm paying it monthly for the fucking privilege laughing was cheaper than the copy that's a gut punch wearing a jokes clothes that's the whole secret sauce man you're not clever you're honest with good timing close it out here's the deal every single day this show comes back we're gonna sit right here and talk shit bad customer service we're roasting it some open mic hack doing the same airplane food joke since 2004 we're fucking roasting it a comedy special so unfunny it should come with a refund policy we a re roasting it cause that's the whole bit of my life kid on the glass man in the debt still standing here every single day turning the shit that should have broken me in something you laugh it instead candy store never had what I actually wanted anyway turns out what I wanted was this a room a mic and permission to talk shit about everything starting with my own dumb ass that's red line comedy come back tomorrow same broke host same sharp mouth new shit to talk about no setup tonight no list bussels just gonna be there watch i'm on the fucking floor bathroom floor some strangers bathroom my knees screaming my phone buzzes in my back pocket i know that buzz that's not a text that's not my mom that's a charge that's the fucking robot right now while i'm on my fucking knees your subscription renewed thirty nine dollars thirty nine fucking dollars while i'm while i'm in there i earned eighteen dollars in the time it took that thing to charge me thirty nine i'm losing money to my own fucking bathroom the toilet doesn't even look impressed that's it that's the difference you were in it not talking about it no list no setup just the moment do one more 300 grand and it caught me down here on a Tuesday in someone else's bathroom that's not a business plan that's a mugging with a receipt last one tonight he asked for no mercy so this is the one where buzzsell stops performing and just says it no laugh track needed for this one if it lands it lands quiet let's stop dressing it up a man built thirty fucking years of a career pointing a camera at other people's best days weddings births the good shit and never once pointed it at his own life because there wasn't a version of his own life he wanted developed 14 years after that fighting paperwork for a government that didn't know his name 11 years after that driving strangers through the dark at three in the fucking morning listening to their pain like it was cheaper than dealing with his own because it fucking was and then last year at 50 years old he finally had one good fucking idea turn all that pain into something real finish the book tell the truth and instead of finishing it he panicked about a computer he couldn't afford like the machine was gonna do the healing for him so he wouldn't have to sit in the room with his own shit himself 300 thousand fucking dollars that's not an investment that's the most expensive way a man has ever found to avoid finishing one sentence about his own childhood nobody's laughing and that's the point keep going so now he's on his fucking knees in strangers bathrooms splitting 75 87 90 bucks a house feeding three dogs who don't know or give a shit that he's failing and every single night he opens that same fucking laptop and asks a machine to help him make his own collapse sound clever enough that people will laugh instead of look away that's the whole business model of this entire fucking show every joke you laughed at tonight was a man buying himself 30 more seconds before he has to feel the actual thing underneath it and you know what that's not pathetic that is the whole fucking species every single motherfucker laughing in this rooms got their own version of the robot their own toilet their own three dogs their own bill that's due before the check clears he's not the exception up here he's just the dumb bastard stupid enough to say it out loud with a microphone in his hand so here it is plain no bit a man spent his whole fucking life photographing other people's happiness and it took going three hundred thousand dollars into debt to a machine before he'd finally sit still long enough to look at his own that's not a joke that's just what's true and the fact that he's still up here still broke as fuck still scrubbing floors still standing in front of you telling you the truth instead of running from it that's the only thing about tonight that was never a bit\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}