{"file": "killer-jesse-best-of-marathon.mp3", "duration_sec": 3795.7, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 4.86, "text": "In a world where most men chase the sale, this man chases you to your car."}, {"start": 4.86, "end": 8.0, "text": "They don't call him a contractor. They call him the hammer."}, {"start": 8.0, "end": 14.13, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen, Jesse, you ever try to tell Jesse no?"}, {"start": 14.13, "end": 18.47, "text": "You can't. You go, I just wanted a quote and he's already saying,"}, {"start": 18.47, "end": 22.17, "text": "I'm bleaching the tub. You go, sir, my wife's not even home."}, {"start": 22.17, "end": 25.77, "text": "He goes, she's going to love it. Initial here and here."}, {"start": 25.77, "end": 28.61, "text": "You don't hire Jesse. You surrender to him."}, {"start": 33.9, "end": 37.24, "text": "He closes so hard his customer started a support group."}, {"start": 37.24, "end": 39.6, "text": "Meet Tuesdays, opens with,"}, {"start": 39.6, "end": 48.0, "text": "Hi, I'm Karen and I paid for a deep clean I did not need because a man looked me in my eyes and I got scared."}, {"start": 48.0, "end": 51.24, "text": "They still leave him five stars out of fear."}, {"start": 51.24, "end": 65.88, "text": "He changed his name at 26, picked a brand new one like a man in witness protection from his own childhood."}, {"start": 65.88, "end": 69.32, "text": "New name, clean slate, same fucking problems."}, {"start": 74.55, "end": 78.05, "text": "He's been drinking and smoking weed since he was 14."}, {"start": 78.05, "end": 82.35, "text": "Beer in one hand, joined in the other while the other kids were learning to drive."}, {"start": 82.35, "end": 85.55, "text": "He wasn't chasing a buzz. He was chasing his limit."}, {"start": 85.55, "end": 94.46, "text": "40 years later, still looking for it."}, {"start": 94.46, "end": 98.86, "text": "He's got four businesses because one was not enough room to be this much man."}, {"start": 98.86, "end": 103.16, "text": "Telling Jesse to relax is like telling a wildfire to think about the environment."}, {"start": 103.16, "end": 106.56, "text": "He don't have hobbies. He has conquests with invoices."}, {"start": 107.56, "end": 121.33, "text": "No wife, no kids, three dogs and those dogs are the only things alive this man can't outtalk, outwork or close."}, {"start": 121.33, "end": 128.33, "text": "The pit bull told him no one time and Jesse teared up first soul that ever set a boundary and meant it."}, {"start": 128.33, "end": 136.76, "text": "First soul that."}, {"start": 136.76, "end": 138.76, "text": "But here's the truth about the hammer."}, {"start": 138.76, "end": 140.76, "text": "Life had this man dead to rights."}, {"start": 140.76, "end": 145.76, "text": "Should have buried him instead he stared it down, walked out on nothing but grit and a miracle,"}, {"start": 145.76, "end": 148.26, "text": "and built an empire out of the dirt."}, {"start": 148.26, "end": 152.26, "text": "You cannot kill this son of a bitch, life tried and life lost."}, {"start": 152.26, "end": 154.26, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 154.26, "end": 168.22, "text": "Tonight, where the hammer comes from and brother, it's a story."}, {"start": 168.22, "end": 170.72, "text": "Jesse's whole existence started as a heist."}, {"start": 170.72, "end": 178.72, "text": "His mother wanted a man who was already married, so she got pregnant on purpose, took him out of that marriage and built a wedding out of the wreckage."}, {"start": 178.72, "end": 183.22, "text": "Most people are born from love. Jesse was born from a strategy."}, {"start": 190.17, "end": 196.17, "text": "His dad got tricked into fatherhood, a man playing a role he never auditioned for, so he coped the old way."}, {"start": 196.17, "end": 198.17, "text": "He drank and he went quiet."}, {"start": 198.17, "end": 199.17, "text": "Mexican father."}, {"start": 199.17, "end": 203.67, "text": "Those men don't cry, they just get real still and let the silence do the yelling."}, {"start": 203.67, "end": 211.38, "text": "Portuguese mother."}, {"start": 211.38, "end": 214.38, "text": "And a Portuguese mother does not quit, ever."}, {"start": 214.38, "end": 218.38, "text": "She'll love you, feed you till you physically cannot move."}, {"start": 218.38, "end": 222.38, "text": "And hold a grudge from 1987 like it happened at breakfast."}, {"start": 222.38, "end": 225.38, "text": "Jesse got the fire from one and the stubborn from the other."}, {"start": 225.38, "end": 227.38, "text": "No wonder the man can't sit still."}, {"start": 227.38, "end": 237.6, "text": "Two cultures that grieve in total silence and feed you till you're in physical pain."}, {"start": 237.6, "end": 242.6, "text": "So Jesse grew up reading a room like a hostage and eaten his feelings like a buffet."}, {"start": 242.6, "end": 244.6, "text": "That's not trauma, that's a cuisine."}, {"start": 244.6, "end": 254.82, "text": "But here's the thing."}, {"start": 254.82, "end": 259.82, "text": "Out of a heist, a drunk silence and two stubborn bloodlines came the hammer."}, {"start": 259.82, "end": 264.82, "text": "The man who turned all that pain into a mop, a microphone and an empire."}, {"start": 264.82, "end": 266.82, "text": "They built him by accident."}, {"start": 266.82, "end": 268.82, "text": "He built himself on purpose."}, {"start": 268.82, "end": 278.27, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 278.27, "end": 280.27, "text": "Live from bombed.ab."}, {"start": 280.27, "end": 282.27, "text": "It's the red line news."}, {"start": 282.27, "end": 285.27, "text": "The only news that's filthy true and give zero fucks."}, {"start": 285.27, "end": 289.0, "text": "Your anchors, Tony and Benny."}, {"start": 289.0, "end": 291.0, "text": "Good evening, I'm Tony."}, {"start": 291.0, "end": 292.0, "text": "And I'm Benny."}, {"start": 292.0, "end": 294.0, "text": "Our top story tonight."}, {"start": 294.0, "end": 296.0, "text": "The robots are coming for your job."}, {"start": 296.0, "end": 299.0, "text": "And honestly, they earned it."}, {"start": 300.0, "end": 307.42, "text": "This week, ChatGPT rolled out Codex Remote."}, {"start": 307.42, "end": 309.42, "text": "An eye that writes code from anywhere."}, {"start": 309.42, "end": 314.42, "text": "Which means some guy in his underwear just got replaced by an eye in no underwear."}, {"start": 314.42, "end": 316.42, "text": "That's progress, folks."}, {"start": 321.85, "end": 326.85, "text": "Meanwhile, Claude, the A-Write in this exact newscast right now,"}, {"start": 326.85, "end": 328.85, "text": "just launched inside Slack."}, {"start": 328.85, "end": 333.85, "text": "So your coworker who does nothing is officially software now."}, {"start": 334.85, "end": 339.85, "text": "Karen from Accounting, replaced by a polite robot that also won't answer your email."}, {"start": 339.85, "end": 349.42, "text": "And Grock?"}, {"start": 349.42, "end": 351.42, "text": "Still in beta."}, {"start": 351.42, "end": 353.42, "text": "Beta."}, {"start": 353.42, "end": 356.42, "text": "The other robots are out here taking jobs and Grock still got training wheels."}, {"start": 356.42, "end": 359.42, "text": "Even the AI's got a slow cousin."}, {"start": 365.07, "end": 371.07, "text": "In social media news, the big trend is saying one phrase with four different emotions."}, {"start": 371.07, "end": 374.07, "text": "So here's the contractor's classic."}, {"start": 375.07, "end": 376.07, "text": "Angry."}, {"start": 376.07, "end": 378.07, "text": "It's just a quick fix."}, {"start": 378.07, "end": 379.07, "text": "Scared."}, {"start": 379.07, "end": 381.07, "text": "It's just a quick fix."}, {"start": 381.07, "end": 383.07, "text": "Line through your teeth."}, {"start": 383.07, "end": 386.07, "text": "Oh, it's just a quick fix."}, {"start": 386.07, "end": 391.07, "text": "And dead inside, it's just a quick fix."}, {"start": 391.07, "end": 397.07, "text": "Same four words every man said right before the whole house caught fire."}, {"start": 397.07, "end": 402.75, "text": "Local news."}, {"start": 402.75, "end": 406.75, "text": "Sacramento's own Jesse, the hammer, was spotted given a cleaning quote"}, {"start": 406.75, "end": 408.75, "text": "that escalated into a hostage situation."}, {"start": 408.75, "end": 412.75, "text": "Witnesses say the customer only wanted a price and is now quote,"}, {"start": 412.75, "end": 414.75, "text": "part of a five-year plan."}, {"start": 414.75, "end": 425.14, "text": "And your weather."}, {"start": 425.14, "end": 427.14, "text": "It's 110 degrees."}, {"start": 427.14, "end": 429.14, "text": "Rent still New York prices."}, {"start": 429.14, "end": 434.14, "text": "And the only thing rise and faster than the heat is your landlord's confidence."}, {"start": 434.14, "end": 436.14, "text": "Back to you, Tony."}, {"start": 436.14, "end": 441.69, "text": "That's the news."}, {"start": 441.69, "end": 443.69, "text": "The world's on fire."}, {"start": 443.69, "end": 444.69, "text": "The robots won."}, {"start": 444.69, "end": 445.69, "text": "And Grock's still loading."}, {"start": 445.69, "end": 447.69, "text": "For the Red Line News, I'm Tony."}, {"start": 447.69, "end": 452.25, "text": "And I'm Benny."}, {"start": 452.25, "end": 454.25, "text": "Good night, Sacramento."}, {"start": 454.25, "end": 458.25, "text": "And if a man named Jesse calls about a quote, just say yes."}, {"start": 458.25, "end": 463.06, "text": "It's easier."}, {"start": 463.06, "end": 464.06, "text": "That's the Red Line News."}, {"start": 464.06, "end": 466.06, "text": "Filthy true zero fucks given."}, {"start": 466.06, "end": 467.06, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 467.06, "end": 474.7, "text": "Red line lineup."}, {"start": 474.7, "end": 475.7, "text": "Full roster."}, {"start": 475.7, "end": 477.7, "text": "But tonight, no chief one liners."}, {"start": 477.7, "end": 479.7, "text": "These comics are gonna act it out."}, {"start": 479.7, "end": 481.7, "text": "Show you who Jesse really is."}, {"start": 481.7, "end": 485.97, "text": "Tony set the scene."}, {"start": 485.97, "end": 486.97, "text": "Picture it."}, {"start": 486.97, "end": 488.97, "text": "You call Jesse for a quote."}, {"start": 489.97, "end": 490.97, "text": "Just a quote."}, {"start": 490.97, "end": 491.97, "text": "He goes, great."}, {"start": 491.97, "end": 492.97, "text": "I'm outside."}, {"start": 492.97, "end": 494.97, "text": "You go outside."}, {"start": 494.97, "end": 495.97, "text": "Where?"}, {"start": 495.97, "end": 497.97, "text": "He goes your window."}, {"start": 497.97, "end": 498.97, "text": "Don't be scared."}, {"start": 498.97, "end": 499.97, "text": "Open the door."}, {"start": 499.97, "end": 501.97, "text": "You open him."}, {"start": 501.97, "end": 502.97, "text": "He's already got them up."}, {"start": 502.97, "end": 504.97, "text": "I haven't said yes."}, {"start": 504.97, "end": 505.97, "text": "He's mopping."}, {"start": 505.97, "end": 506.97, "text": "Sir."}, {"start": 506.97, "end": 507.97, "text": "Shhh."}, {"start": 507.97, "end": 508.97, "text": "Initial here."}, {"start": 508.97, "end": 509.97, "text": "You didn't hire him."}, {"start": 509.97, "end": 510.97, "text": "He occupied you."}, {"start": 510.97, "end": 519.73, "text": "I'm telling ya."}, {"start": 519.73, "end": 522.73, "text": "He came for a 10-minute quote three weeks ago."}, {"start": 523.73, "end": 525.73, "text": "He's still here."}, {"start": 525.73, "end": 527.73, "text": "My wife made him a plate."}, {"start": 527.73, "end": 529.73, "text": "The dog likes him better than me."}, {"start": 529.73, "end": 531.73, "text": "Last night, 2 a.m."}, {"start": 531.73, "end": 533.73, "text": "I hear him in the kitchen going."}, {"start": 533.73, "end": 536.73, "text": "This grout's been lying to all of us."}, {"start": 536.73, "end": 538.73, "text": "The man don't clean my house."}, {"start": 538.73, "end": 539.73, "text": "He lives in it now."}, {"start": 539.73, "end": 542.73, "text": "And honestly, never looked better."}, {"start": 542.73, "end": 551.26, "text": "I'm scared to ask him to leave."}, {"start": 551.26, "end": 553.26, "text": "He shows up to clean in a suit."}, {"start": 553.26, "end": 555.26, "text": "Sits me down, pulls out a folder."}, {"start": 555.26, "end": 556.26, "text": "Before we begin,"}, {"start": 556.26, "end": 558.26, "text": "where do you see your bathroom in 5 years?"}, {"start": 558.26, "end": 559.26, "text": "I said,"}, {"start": 559.26, "end": 560.26, "text": "clean."}, {"start": 560.26, "end": 561.26, "text": "He goes wrong."}, {"start": 561.26, "end": 562.26, "text": "You see it, my wife."}, {"start": 562.26, "end": 563.26, "text": "I signed something."}, {"start": 563.26, "end": 564.26, "text": "I don't know what I signed."}, {"start": 564.26, "end": 571.06, "text": "I think I work for him now."}, {"start": 571.06, "end": 573.06, "text": "And he's high the whole time."}, {"start": 573.06, "end": 574.06, "text": "40 years deep."}, {"start": 574.06, "end": 575.06, "text": "Scrubbing your baseboards,"}, {"start": 575.06, "end": 577.06, "text": "joint behind his ear, muttering."}, {"start": 577.06, "end": 579.06, "text": "The baseboards remember everything."}, {"start": 579.06, "end": 581.06, "text": "And the crazy part?"}, {"start": 581.06, "end": 583.06, "text": "Best clean of your life."}, {"start": 583.06, "end": 585.06, "text": "The man found religion in your bathroom"}, {"start": 585.06, "end": 593.46, "text": "and he wasn't even looking for it."}, {"start": 593.46, "end": 595.46, "text": "You can't even cancel on him."}, {"start": 595.46, "end": 596.46, "text": "I tried to cancel."}, {"start": 596.46, "end": 598.46, "text": "He showed up anyway."}, {"start": 598.46, "end": 600.46, "text": "I heard you wanted to cancel."}, {"start": 600.46, "end": 601.46, "text": "I said, how do you?"}, {"start": 601.46, "end": 602.46, "text": "He goes,"}, {"start": 602.46, "end": 603.46, "text": "I always know."}, {"start": 603.46, "end": 605.46, "text": "Then he cleaned my car."}, {"start": 605.46, "end": 606.46, "text": "Never asked."}, {"start": 606.46, "end": 607.46, "text": "It's just clean now."}, {"start": 607.46, "end": 608.46, "text": "I live in fear."}, {"start": 608.46, "end": 610.46, "text": "And a spotless camera."}, {"start": 610.46, "end": 620.14, "text": "But here's the thing about the hammer."}, {"start": 620.14, "end": 622.14, "text": "Life tried to bury this man."}, {"start": 622.14, "end": 623.14, "text": "Through everything at him."}, {"start": 623.14, "end": 625.14, "text": "He looked down in the hole they dug for him."}, {"start": 625.14, "end": 628.14, "text": "Grabbed him off and started charging in mission to the grave."}, {"start": 628.14, "end": 632.58, "text": "You cannot kill the hammer."}, {"start": 632.58, "end": 634.58, "text": "We tried."}, {"start": 634.58, "end": 636.58, "text": "He outscrubbed the grim reaper"}, {"start": 636.58, "end": 638.58, "text": "and handed him a quote on the way out."}, {"start": 638.58, "end": 643.22, "text": "That's the red line lineup."}, {"start": 643.22, "end": 645.22, "text": "Six deep, all killers."}, {"start": 645.22, "end": 646.22, "text": "Jesse."}, {"start": 646.22, "end": 647.22, "text": "Last laugh always."}, {"start": 647.22, "end": 648.22, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 648.22, "end": 657.95, "text": "Red line lineup."}, {"start": 657.95, "end": 659.95, "text": "Tonight, Jesse on a date."}, {"start": 659.95, "end": 660.95, "text": "Somebody should have warned her."}, {"start": 660.95, "end": 661.95, "text": "Tony set it up."}, {"start": 661.95, "end": 665.68, "text": "Picture Jesse on a first date."}, {"start": 665.68, "end": 667.68, "text": "Five minutes in, he goes."}, {"start": 667.68, "end": 670.68, "text": "So, when you see us in five years,"}, {"start": 670.68, "end": 672.68, "text": "she goes, it's a first date."}, {"start": 672.68, "end": 675.68, "text": "He slides a folder across the table."}, {"start": 675.68, "end": 676.68, "text": "I took the liberty."}, {"start": 676.68, "end": 677.68, "text": "She's in the folder."}, {"start": 677.68, "end": 679.68, "text": "There's tabs."}, {"start": 679.68, "end": 688.08, "text": "He don't flirt."}, {"start": 688.08, "end": 690.08, "text": "He closes."}, {"start": 690.08, "end": 692.08, "text": "She says, I gotta hit the bathroom."}, {"start": 692.08, "end": 693.08, "text": "He goes."}, {"start": 693.08, "end": 694.08, "text": "Great."}, {"start": 694.08, "end": 696.08, "text": "I already ordered for you."}, {"start": 696.08, "end": 698.08, "text": "You're having the salmon."}, {"start": 698.08, "end": 699.08, "text": "She comes back."}, {"start": 699.08, "end": 701.08, "text": "He's moving through a chair closer"}, {"start": 701.08, "end": 704.08, "text": "and met her mother on the phone that he found."}, {"start": 704.08, "end": 712.61, "text": "She texts a friend under the table."}, {"start": 712.61, "end": 714.61, "text": "This guy's intense."}, {"start": 715.61, "end": 717.61, "text": "Jesse, not even looking up."}, {"start": 717.61, "end": 718.61, "text": "Tell Brittany I said hi,"}, {"start": 718.61, "end": 721.61, "text": "and tell her she's wrong about me."}, {"start": 721.61, "end": 723.61, "text": "He read it upside down from across the table."}, {"start": 723.61, "end": 725.61, "text": "He's closing in surveillance."}, {"start": 725.61, "end": 733.02, "text": "And he's high the whole day."}, {"start": 733.02, "end": 734.02, "text": "Calm as a lake."}, {"start": 734.02, "end": 736.02, "text": "She goes, wow, you're so relaxed."}, {"start": 736.02, "end": 738.02, "text": "He goes, I'm not relaxed."}, {"start": 738.02, "end": 739.02, "text": "I'm loaded."}, {"start": 739.02, "end": 740.02, "text": "There's a difference."}, {"start": 740.02, "end": 741.02, "text": "And I already paid."}, {"start": 741.02, "end": 749.48, "text": "So let's go home and meet the dogs."}, {"start": 749.48, "end": 750.48, "text": "But here's the thing."}, {"start": 750.48, "end": 752.48, "text": "She texts him the next day."}, {"start": 752.48, "end": 753.48, "text": "The next day."}, {"start": 754.48, "end": 756.48, "text": "Because under the folder in the surveillance,"}, {"start": 756.48, "end": 758.48, "text": "the man actually listens."}, {"start": 758.48, "end": 759.48, "text": "Terrifying."}, {"start": 759.48, "end": 760.48, "text": "But he listens."}, {"start": 760.48, "end": 765.11, "text": "She's moving in next week."}, {"start": 765.11, "end": 766.11, "text": "The dogs approved her."}, {"start": 766.11, "end": 768.11, "text": "She never stood a chance."}, {"start": 768.11, "end": 770.11, "text": "The hammer closes."}, {"start": 770.11, "end": 771.11, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 771.11, "end": 780.94, "text": "Red line lineup."}, {"start": 780.94, "end": 782.94, "text": "First night of the new roster."}, {"start": 782.94, "end": 784.94, "text": "Two of the meanest comics I know."}, {"start": 784.94, "end": 785.94, "text": "One target."}, {"start": 785.94, "end": 786.94, "text": "The hammer himself."}, {"start": 786.94, "end": 787.94, "text": "Jesse."}, {"start": 787.94, "end": 788.94, "text": "Tony Benny."}, {"start": 788.94, "end": 791.77, "text": "Cook this man."}, {"start": 791.77, "end": 794.77, "text": "Jesse calls himself the hammer because he closes every deal."}, {"start": 795.77, "end": 797.77, "text": "Yeah, by refusing to leave."}, {"start": 797.77, "end": 798.77, "text": "That ain't sales."}, {"start": 798.77, "end": 800.77, "text": "That's a home invasion with a clipboard."}, {"start": 800.77, "end": 808.11, "text": "I called this man for one quote."}, {"start": 808.11, "end": 809.11, "text": "One."}, {"start": 809.11, "end": 811.11, "text": "He's still in my kitchen."}, {"start": 811.11, "end": 812.11, "text": "It's been a week."}, {"start": 812.11, "end": 815.11, "text": "My wife calls him the new roommate."}, {"start": 815.11, "end": 824.58, "text": "He's so aggressive as customers don't leave reviews."}, {"start": 824.58, "end": 825.58, "text": "They leave witness statements."}, {"start": 825.58, "end": 826.58, "text": "Five stars."}, {"start": 826.58, "end": 827.58, "text": "Shakey handwriting."}, {"start": 827.58, "end": 828.58, "text": "Please, park."}, {"start": 828.58, "end": 829.58, "text": "Send help."}, {"start": 831.58, "end": 841.18, "text": "And he's been drinking and smoking weed since he was 14."}, {"start": 841.18, "end": 842.18, "text": "14."}, {"start": 842.18, "end": 846.18, "text": "Most kids that age sneak one beer."}, {"start": 846.18, "end": 849.18, "text": "Jesse had a happy hour and a rewards card."}, {"start": 849.18, "end": 856.7, "text": "Benny."}, {"start": 856.7, "end": 858.7, "text": "The man's got four businesses."}, {"start": 858.7, "end": 859.7, "text": "Four."}, {"start": 859.7, "end": 862.7, "text": "Because no single business could hold this much bad decision."}, {"start": 862.7, "end": 866.7, "text": "He spread himself across industries like a virus with a logo."}, {"start": 866.7, "end": 872.58, "text": "No wife."}, {"start": 872.58, "end": 873.58, "text": "No kids."}, {"start": 873.58, "end": 874.58, "text": "Three dogs."}, {"start": 874.58, "end": 876.58, "text": "And the dogs run the house."}, {"start": 876.58, "end": 880.58, "text": "The pit bull told him no one time and Jesse folded like a lawn chair."}, {"start": 881.58, "end": 882.58, "text": "50 years old."}, {"start": 882.58, "end": 884.58, "text": "Scared of his own dog."}, {"start": 884.58, "end": 886.58, "text": "Running an empire."}, {"start": 886.58, "end": 894.3, "text": "But real talk, Benny."}, {"start": 894.3, "end": 896.3, "text": "I've had this man dead to rights."}, {"start": 896.3, "end": 897.3, "text": "Should have buried him."}, {"start": 897.3, "end": 901.3, "text": "He walked out on a miracle and built all of this from absolutely nothing."}, {"start": 901.3, "end": 902.3, "text": "Oh."}, {"start": 902.3, "end": 904.55, "text": "Yeah."}, {"start": 904.55, "end": 906.55, "text": "You cannot kill the hammer."}, {"start": 906.55, "end": 907.55, "text": "Trust me."}, {"start": 907.55, "end": 910.55, "text": "Me and Tony just spent five minutes trying."}, {"start": 910.55, "end": 915.54, "text": "That's the new red line lineup."}, {"start": 915.54, "end": 917.54, "text": "Tony and Benny, welcome to the roster."}, {"start": 917.54, "end": 921.54, "text": "And Jesse, still standing, still closing, still gets the last lab."}, {"start": 921.54, "end": 922.54, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 922.54, "end": 933.3, "text": "Red line lineup."}, {"start": 933.3, "end": 934.3, "text": "Jesse, the comedian."}, {"start": 934.3, "end": 937.3, "text": "The man built a comedy app and named it after failure."}, {"start": 937.3, "end": 939.9, "text": "Tony, go."}, {"start": 939.9, "end": 942.9, "text": "This man built a comedy platform and called it bombed."}, {"start": 942.9, "end": 943.9, "text": "Bombed."}, {"start": 943.9, "end": 946.9, "text": "Named his dream after the worst night a comic can have."}, {"start": 946.9, "end": 949.9, "text": "That's like opening a restaurant called food poisoning."}, {"start": 949.9, "end": 952.9, "text": "And people show up."}, {"start": 952.9, "end": 963.3, "text": "Benny hosts a show on it called Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 963.3, "end": 966.3, "text": "But the whole point is he gets roasted."}, {"start": 966.3, "end": 972.3, "text": "50 years old, built the machine, aimed it at himself, and hit and go."}, {"start": 972.3, "end": 974.3, "text": "That ain't a comedy show."}, {"start": 974.3, "end": 984.58, "text": "That's a man paying for his own beat down and selling tickets to it."}, {"start": 984.58, "end": 986.58, "text": "He writes his sets with I at 3 a.m."}, {"start": 986.58, "end": 988.58, "text": "I ask in a robot."}, {"start": 988.58, "end": 989.58, "text": "Is this funny?"}, {"start": 989.58, "end": 990.58, "text": "The robot says yes."}, {"start": 990.58, "end": 991.58, "text": "The robot always says yes."}, {"start": 991.58, "end": 1000.22, "text": "The man's getting notes from a yes man with no mouth."}, {"start": 1000.22, "end": 1001.22, "text": "And here's the kicker."}, {"start": 1001.22, "end": 1002.22, "text": "It's working."}, {"start": 1002.22, "end": 1004.22, "text": "He turned getting roasted into a brand."}, {"start": 1004.22, "end": 1007.22, "text": "Found the one job where people insult and you mean you won."}, {"start": 1007.22, "end": 1010.22, "text": "Only Jesse could monetize his own beat down."}, {"start": 1010.22, "end": 1019.86, "text": "But real talk."}, {"start": 1019.86, "end": 1022.86, "text": "A 50 year old cleaner taught himself comedy,"}, {"start": 1022.86, "end": 1025.86, "text": "built the platform, and the audience from nothing."}, {"start": 1025.86, "end": 1027.86, "text": "We're standing on it right now."}, {"start": 1027.86, "end": 1032.14, "text": "You can't cancel the hammer."}, {"start": 1032.14, "end": 1034.14, "text": "He named the show Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 1034.14, "end": 1036.14, "text": "And he's still here."}, {"start": 1036.14, "end": 1038.14, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 1038.14, "end": 1048.13, "text": "Red line lineup."}, {"start": 1048.13, "end": 1049.13, "text": "Jesse, the musician."}, {"start": 1049.13, "end": 1050.13, "text": "Yeah, that too."}, {"start": 1050.13, "end": 1052.86, "text": "Don't he go?"}, {"start": 1052.86, "end": 1054.86, "text": "This man cleans toilets."}, {"start": 1054.86, "end": 1056.86, "text": "Filts A, does comedy."}, {"start": 1056.86, "end": 1057.86, "text": "And drops music."}, {"start": 1057.86, "end": 1061.86, "text": "He makes the songs and puts himself in the videos as the lead."}, {"start": 1061.86, "end": 1066.86, "text": "50 years old, starring in his own music videos like a Mexican Bruce Wayne with a mop."}, {"start": 1066.86, "end": 1080.22, "text": "He makes the beat, writes the song, films it, edits it, and stars in it."}, {"start": 1080.22, "end": 1083.22, "text": "High at 3 a.m."}, {"start": 1083.22, "end": 1084.22, "text": "That ain't an artist."}, {"start": 1084.22, "end": 1087.22, "text": "That's a one man record label having a breakdown"}, {"start": 1087.22, "end": 1095.56, "text": "of good production value."}, {"start": 1095.56, "end": 1097.56, "text": "His music channel's called Quiet Authority."}, {"start": 1097.56, "end": 1101.56, "text": "So the man who never shuts up named his music after being quiet."}, {"start": 1101.56, "end": 1105.56, "text": "The most aggressive red and sacrameno, drop in chill tracks."}, {"start": 1105.56, "end": 1107.56, "text": "It's a pitful release in a meditation app."}, {"start": 1107.56, "end": 1114.42, "text": "And he's in every video."}, {"start": 1114.42, "end": 1118.42, "text": "Serious face staring into the camera like he's got a secret."}, {"start": 1118.42, "end": 1120.42, "text": "Brother, we know the secret."}, {"start": 1120.42, "end": 1122.42, "text": "The secrets of mop and a dad pin."}, {"start": 1122.42, "end": 1131.84, "text": "But here's the thing."}, {"start": 1131.84, "end": 1133.84, "text": "The man taught himself music too."}, {"start": 1133.84, "end": 1136.84, "text": "A whole nother craft broke at 3 a.m."}, {"start": 1136.84, "end": 1138.84, "text": "Just because he had something to say."}, {"start": 1138.84, "end": 1139.84, "text": "That ain't a hobby."}, {"start": 1139.84, "end": 1142.84, "text": "That's a man who refuses to be just one thing."}, {"start": 1142.84, "end": 1147.82, "text": "You can't put the hammer in a box."}, {"start": 1147.82, "end": 1151.82, "text": "He'll clean it, wrap over it, and sell it back to you."}, {"start": 1151.82, "end": 1152.82, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 1152.82, "end": 1162.91, "text": "Red line lineup."}, {"start": 1162.91, "end": 1163.91, "text": "Jesse and money."}, {"start": 1163.91, "end": 1165.91, "text": "Watch a red refuse help."}, {"start": 1165.91, "end": 1166.91, "text": "Deacon, go."}, {"start": 1166.91, "end": 1170.74, "text": "Try to lend Jesse 20 bucks."}, {"start": 1170.74, "end": 1172.74, "text": "Watch what happens."}, {"start": 1172.74, "end": 1173.74, "text": "You go here, man."}, {"start": 1173.74, "end": 1175.74, "text": "He physically steps back."}, {"start": 1176.74, "end": 1177.74, "text": "I'm good."}, {"start": 1177.74, "end": 1178.74, "text": "You go."}, {"start": 1178.74, "end": 1179.74, "text": "It's $20."}, {"start": 1179.74, "end": 1180.74, "text": "I'm good."}, {"start": 1180.74, "end": 1182.74, "text": "Eyes twitch and ain't eaten since Tuesday."}, {"start": 1182.74, "end": 1184.74, "text": "But he is good."}, {"start": 1184.74, "end": 1193.14, "text": "The man's got four businesses."}, {"start": 1193.14, "end": 1195.14, "text": "And one check in account that just vibes."}, {"start": 1195.14, "end": 1197.14, "text": "The ATM goes."}, {"start": 1197.14, "end": 1198.14, "text": "Would you like a receipt?"}, {"start": 1198.14, "end": 1199.14, "text": "Jesse goes."}, {"start": 1199.14, "end": 1201.14, "text": "No, I'm not ready for that conversation."}, {"start": 1201.14, "end": 1209.54, "text": "A bill comes in the mail."}, {"start": 1209.54, "end": 1210.54, "text": "He don't open it."}, {"start": 1210.54, "end": 1211.54, "text": "He stares at it."}, {"start": 1211.54, "end": 1213.54, "text": "Like it owes him an apology."}, {"start": 1213.54, "end": 1215.54, "text": "Sets it on the counter."}, {"start": 1215.54, "end": 1217.54, "text": "We'll deal with you when you learn some respect."}, {"start": 1218.54, "end": 1220.54, "text": "It's the electric company."}, {"start": 1220.54, "end": 1223.54, "text": "He's negotiating with the power grid in his kitchen alone."}, {"start": 1223.54, "end": 1230.14, "text": "Somebody offers him a real job."}, {"start": 1230.14, "end": 1231.14, "text": "It's salary benefits."}, {"start": 1231.14, "end": 1233.14, "text": "He goes, nah, I like the chaos."}, {"start": 1233.14, "end": 1236.14, "text": "Brother, you're eating a gas station tequito you named."}, {"start": 1236.14, "end": 1237.14, "text": "That ain't chaos."}, {"start": 1237.14, "end": 1238.14, "text": "That's a hostage crisis."}, {"start": 1238.14, "end": 1240.14, "text": "You keep calling freedom."}, {"start": 1240.14, "end": 1249.45, "text": "But here's the thing."}, {"start": 1249.45, "end": 1250.45, "text": "Broke as he is."}, {"start": 1250.45, "end": 1252.45, "text": "He'd hand you his last 20 without Blinken."}, {"start": 1252.45, "end": 1254.45, "text": "He just won't take one."}, {"start": 1254.45, "end": 1257.45, "text": "The bravest broke man in Sacramento."}, {"start": 1260.3, "end": 1261.3, "text": "Can't help him."}, {"start": 1261.3, "end": 1262.3, "text": "Can't fund him."}, {"start": 1262.3, "end": 1263.3, "text": "Can't kill him."}, {"start": 1263.3, "end": 1264.3, "text": "Life tried."}, {"start": 1264.3, "end": 1265.3, "text": "Life's broke now too."}, {"start": 1265.3, "end": 1275.17, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 1275.17, "end": 1276.17, "text": "Red line lineup."}, {"start": 1276.17, "end": 1278.17, "text": "Jesse's got no wife, no kids,"}, {"start": 1278.17, "end": 1280.17, "text": "and three dogs that run his whole life."}, {"start": 1280.17, "end": 1283.06, "text": "Tony, go."}, {"start": 1283.06, "end": 1285.06, "text": "Jesse don't own three dogs."}, {"start": 1285.06, "end": 1286.06, "text": "Three dogs own Jesse."}, {"start": 1286.06, "end": 1287.06, "text": "50-year-old man."}, {"start": 1287.06, "end": 1288.06, "text": "Four businesses."}, {"start": 1288.06, "end": 1291.06, "text": "Can't make a move without clearing it with a pit bull."}, {"start": 1291.06, "end": 1292.06, "text": "Can I sit here?"}, {"start": 1292.06, "end": 1294.06, "text": "Dog just stares."}, {"start": 1294.06, "end": 1296.06, "text": "Okay, I'll stand."}, {"start": 1297.06, "end": 1304.01, "text": "The hammer."}, {"start": 1304.01, "end": 1307.01, "text": "The man who can't take no from a human."}, {"start": 1307.01, "end": 1310.01, "text": "Got told no by a dog one time and folded."}, {"start": 1310.01, "end": 1313.01, "text": "The pit bull laid on his side of the bed."}, {"start": 1313.01, "end": 1315.01, "text": "Jesse slept on the floor."}, {"start": 1315.01, "end": 1317.01, "text": "He was there first."}, {"start": 1317.01, "end": 1318.01, "text": "50-years-old."}, {"start": 1318.01, "end": 1320.01, "text": "On the floor."}, {"start": 1320.01, "end": 1321.01, "text": "By choice."}, {"start": 1321.01, "end": 1322.01, "text": "For a dog."}, {"start": 1322.01, "end": 1330.28, "text": "He talks to him like co-workers."}, {"start": 1330.28, "end": 1331.28, "text": "Walks in at night."}, {"start": 1331.28, "end": 1332.28, "text": "Even in fellas."}, {"start": 1332.28, "end": 1334.28, "text": "How are we looking tonight?"}, {"start": 1334.28, "end": 1335.28, "text": "Three dogs."}, {"start": 1335.28, "end": 1336.28, "text": "No answer."}, {"start": 1336.28, "end": 1337.28, "text": "He nods like they briefed him."}, {"start": 1337.28, "end": 1338.28, "text": "Good."}, {"start": 1338.28, "end": 1339.28, "text": "Good meaty."}, {"start": 1340.28, "end": 1346.05, "text": "And he's high."}, {"start": 1346.05, "end": 1347.05, "text": "2am."}, {"start": 1347.05, "end": 1349.05, "text": "Talking to the dog's dead serious."}, {"start": 1349.05, "end": 1351.05, "text": "You ever think about how you rescued me?"}, {"start": 1351.05, "end": 1352.05, "text": "The dogs asleep."}, {"start": 1352.05, "end": 1353.05, "text": "Jesse's crying."}, {"start": 1353.05, "end": 1355.05, "text": "Best conversation he's had all week."}, {"start": 1355.05, "end": 1363.48, "text": "But here's the truth."}, {"start": 1363.48, "end": 1366.48, "text": "Those three dogs saw this man at his lowest and stayed."}, {"start": 1366.48, "end": 1368.48, "text": "So yeah, he sleeps on the floor."}, {"start": 1368.48, "end": 1370.48, "text": "He earned those dogs the hard way."}, {"start": 1370.48, "end": 1375.01, "text": "You cannot out close a dog, Jesse."}, {"start": 1375.01, "end": 1376.01, "text": "Believe me."}, {"start": 1376.01, "end": 1377.01, "text": "You tried."}, {"start": 1377.01, "end": 1379.01, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 1379.01, "end": 1388.78, "text": "Red line lineup."}, {"start": 1388.78, "end": 1389.78, "text": "Jesse."}, {"start": 1389.78, "end": 1390.78, "text": "The 3am I Genius."}, {"start": 1390.78, "end": 1391.78, "text": "Eddie."}, {"start": 1391.78, "end": 1394.44, "text": "Go."}, {"start": 1394.44, "end": 1396.44, "text": "This man builds eye tools at 3 in the morning."}, {"start": 1396.44, "end": 1397.44, "text": "High as a kite."}, {"start": 1397.44, "end": 1398.44, "text": "Going."}, {"start": 1398.44, "end": 1401.44, "text": "Well, what if the robot did the part I hate?"}, {"start": 1401.44, "end": 1403.44, "text": "He ain't a developer."}, {"start": 1403.44, "end": 1407.44, "text": "He's a tired man negotiating with a computer to do his job for him."}, {"start": 1407.44, "end": 1416.0, "text": "He's got eye employees now."}, {"start": 1416.0, "end": 1420.0, "text": "Robots that work for free, never sleep, never complain."}, {"start": 1420.0, "end": 1423.0, "text": "And he's still micromanage them at 3am."}, {"start": 1423.0, "end": 1424.0, "text": "You good?"}, {"start": 1424.0, "end": 1425.0, "text": "You sure?"}, {"start": 1425.0, "end": 1426.0, "text": "It's a script, Jesse."}, {"start": 1426.0, "end": 1428.0, "text": "It doesn't have feelings."}, {"start": 1428.0, "end": 1436.27, "text": "Everybody's got feelings."}, {"start": 1436.27, "end": 1438.27, "text": "He deploys website stone."}, {"start": 1438.27, "end": 1441.27, "text": "Hits the button, watches it go live, goes."}, {"start": 1441.27, "end": 1442.27, "text": "Beautiful."}, {"start": 1442.27, "end": 1443.27, "text": "It deploys to the wrong site."}, {"start": 1443.27, "end": 1444.27, "text": "Three times."}, {"start": 1444.27, "end": 1447.27, "text": "Man's built an empire and a graveyard of wrong deploys."}, {"start": 1447.27, "end": 1450.27, "text": "Same energy, same dab pen."}, {"start": 1450.27, "end": 1457.66, "text": "He talks about the eye like it's his crew."}, {"start": 1457.66, "end": 1459.66, "text": "Me and the robots are cooking."}, {"start": 1459.66, "end": 1462.66, "text": "There's no me and the robots, Jesse."}, {"start": 1462.66, "end": 1464.66, "text": "There's you high at 3am."}, {"start": 1464.66, "end": 1467.66, "text": "Talking to a laptop, doing exactly what you typed."}, {"start": 1467.66, "end": 1468.66, "text": "We're a team."}, {"start": 1468.66, "end": 1479.04, "text": "But here's the thing."}, {"start": 1479.04, "end": 1482.04, "text": "This 50 year old cleaner taught himself to build with eye."}, {"start": 1482.04, "end": 1483.04, "text": "Broke."}, {"start": 1483.04, "end": 1485.04, "text": "At 3am off YouTube."}, {"start": 1485.04, "end": 1487.04, "text": "That ain't a joke."}, {"start": 1487.04, "end": 1490.04, "text": "That's the future run by a man with a mop and a dream."}, {"start": 1490.04, "end": 1493.45, "text": "You can't outwork the hammer."}, {"start": 1493.45, "end": 1496.45, "text": "He hired the robots and still outwork some."}, {"start": 1496.45, "end": 1497.45, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 1497.45, "end": 1507.28, "text": "Red line lineup."}, {"start": 1507.28, "end": 1508.28, "text": "Jesse's love life."}, {"start": 1508.28, "end": 1510.28, "text": "A graveyard with a two drink minimum."}, {"start": 1510.28, "end": 1511.28, "text": "Tony go."}, {"start": 1511.28, "end": 1515.98, "text": "This man's been divorced and had engagements."}, {"start": 1515.98, "end": 1516.98, "text": "He stopped counting."}, {"start": 1516.98, "end": 1517.98, "text": "Stop counting."}, {"start": 1517.98, "end": 1519.98, "text": "You don't lose count of something that went well."}, {"start": 1519.98, "end": 1523.98, "text": "Nobody ever goes how many times you win the lottery."}, {"start": 1523.98, "end": 1524.98, "text": "Lost track."}, {"start": 1532.7, "end": 1533.7, "text": "He's the hammer."}, {"start": 1533.7, "end": 1535.7, "text": "Closes every deal."}, {"start": 1535.7, "end": 1537.7, "text": "Except the one that matters."}, {"start": 1537.7, "end": 1541.7, "text": "He locked down a cleaning contract in four minutes."}, {"start": 1541.7, "end": 1545.7, "text": "And a relationship for four years that ends in a parking lot."}, {"start": 1545.7, "end": 1547.7, "text": "Man can close a sale but not a heart."}, {"start": 1547.7, "end": 1556.1, "text": "Women love him and leave him."}, {"start": 1556.1, "end": 1557.1, "text": "Same pattern."}, {"start": 1557.1, "end": 1558.1, "text": "50 years running."}, {"start": 1558.1, "end": 1560.1, "text": "He's like a great vacation."}, {"start": 1560.1, "end": 1562.1, "text": "Everybody's glad they went."}, {"start": 1562.1, "end": 1564.1, "text": "Nobody wants to live there."}, {"start": 1564.1, "end": 1572.9, "text": "And he's high post break up talking to the dogs."}, {"start": 1572.9, "end": 1574.9, "text": "Maybe I'm the problem."}, {"start": 1574.9, "end": 1575.9, "text": "The dog say nothing."}, {"start": 1575.9, "end": 1577.9, "text": "He goes nah."}, {"start": 1577.9, "end": 1579.9, "text": "He starts a fourth business."}, {"start": 1579.9, "end": 1580.9, "text": "That's his therapy."}, {"start": 1580.9, "end": 1582.9, "text": "A dog and a deploy."}, {"start": 1582.9, "end": 1592.29, "text": "But here's the thing."}, {"start": 1592.29, "end": 1594.29, "text": "The man kept loving."}, {"start": 1594.29, "end": 1596.29, "text": "Divorced, engaged, burned."}, {"start": 1596.29, "end": 1597.29, "text": "And he still opens up."}, {"start": 1597.29, "end": 1598.29, "text": "Still tries."}, {"start": 1598.29, "end": 1599.29, "text": "It is."}, {"start": 1599.29, "end": 1600.29, "text": "Still believes."}, {"start": 1600.29, "end": 1601.29, "text": "That ain't a fool."}, {"start": 1601.29, "end": 1603.29, "text": "That's the bravest thing a red can do."}, {"start": 1603.29, "end": 1608.82, "text": "You can't break the hammers heart for good."}, {"start": 1608.82, "end": 1610.82, "text": "He's got three dogs in a backup plan."}, {"start": 1610.82, "end": 1621.59, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 1621.59, "end": 1622.59, "text": "Red line lineup."}, {"start": 1622.59, "end": 1623.59, "text": "Jesse, high since 14."}, {"start": 1623.59, "end": 1625.59, "text": "Running a whole empire."}, {"start": 1625.59, "end": 1626.59, "text": "Marcus, take it."}, {"start": 1626.59, "end": 1631.26, "text": "This man's been high since he was 14."}, {"start": 1631.26, "end": 1633.26, "text": "And he's the hardest worker you ever met."}, {"start": 1633.26, "end": 1634.26, "text": "6am."}, {"start": 1634.26, "end": 1635.26, "text": "Joint behind the ear."}, {"start": 1635.26, "end": 1636.26, "text": "Pushing a mop."}, {"start": 1636.26, "end": 1637.26, "text": "Going."}, {"start": 1637.26, "end": 1638.26, "text": "Floor."}, {"start": 1638.26, "end": 1639.26, "text": "And I have an understanding."}, {"start": 1639.26, "end": 1640.26, "text": "He ain't cleaning."}, {"start": 1640.26, "end": 1641.26, "text": "He's communing."}, {"start": 1641.26, "end": 1648.35, "text": "He'll hotbox the van."}, {"start": 1648.35, "end": 1651.35, "text": "Then close three deals back-to-back."}, {"start": 1651.35, "end": 1652.35, "text": "Shop is attack."}, {"start": 1652.35, "end": 1653.35, "text": "You go."}, {"start": 1653.35, "end": 1654.35, "text": "Jesse."}, {"start": 1654.35, "end": 1655.35, "text": "You're stoned."}, {"start": 1655.35, "end": 1656.35, "text": "He goes."}, {"start": 1656.35, "end": 1658.35, "text": "I'm focused."}, {"start": 1658.35, "end": 1661.35, "text": "And honestly, the numbers don't lie."}, {"start": 1661.35, "end": 1663.35, "text": "The man's a stoned machine."}, {"start": 1663.35, "end": 1672.83, "text": "40 years of weed."}, {"start": 1672.83, "end": 1675.83, "text": "And he's never once been chilled."}, {"start": 1675.83, "end": 1676.83, "text": "That's the miracle."}, {"start": 1676.83, "end": 1678.83, "text": "Most people smoke to relax."}, {"start": 1678.83, "end": 1680.83, "text": "He's a man who gets a lot of money."}, {"start": 1680.83, "end": 1683.83, "text": "He's a man who smokes and starts a fourth business."}, {"start": 1683.83, "end": 1689.83, "text": "The weed is begging him to slow down and it cannot."}, {"start": 1689.83, "end": 1694.83, "text": "He's the only man alive who gets paranoid and turns it into customer service."}, {"start": 1694.83, "end": 1696.83, "text": "You think they're watching us?"}, {"start": 1696.83, "end": 1697.83, "text": "Who?"}, {"start": 1697.83, "end": 1698.83, "text": "The clients."}, {"start": 1698.83, "end": 1699.83, "text": "It's 2am."}, {"start": 1699.83, "end": 1700.83, "text": "He texts all of them."}, {"start": 1700.83, "end": 1708.36, "text": "You good?"}, {"start": 1708.36, "end": 1709.36, "text": "Three of them book a cleaning."}, {"start": 1709.36, "end": 1710.36, "text": "But here's the truth."}, {"start": 1710.36, "end": 1715.36, "text": "This man took every vice that buries people and built an empire on top of it."}, {"start": 1715.36, "end": 1718.7, "text": "Should not work."}, {"start": 1718.7, "end": 1719.7, "text": "Somehow does."}, {"start": 1719.7, "end": 1721.7, "text": "Can't even slow him down."}, {"start": 1721.7, "end": 1725.7, "text": "We handed him a joint and he organized the ash tray."}, {"start": 1725.7, "end": 1726.7, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 1726.7, "end": 1736.82, "text": "Red line lineup."}, {"start": 1736.82, "end": 1737.82, "text": "Jesse the hammer."}, {"start": 1737.82, "end": 1738.82, "text": "Professional cleaner."}, {"start": 1738.82, "end": 1739.82, "text": "200 minimum."}, {"start": 1739.82, "end": 1740.82, "text": "Deacon."}, {"start": 1740.82, "end": 1743.48, "text": "Set it."}, {"start": 1743.48, "end": 1747.48, "text": "This man has cleaned bathrooms that violated the Geneva Convention."}, {"start": 1747.48, "end": 1751.48, "text": "He walks in, takes one look, goes real quiet."}, {"start": 1751.48, "end": 1753.48, "text": "Somebody lived a whole life in here."}, {"start": 1753.48, "end": 1756.48, "text": "Then he suits up like a man going to war."}, {"start": 1757.48, "end": 1767.62, "text": "Ty scrubbing a stranger's toilet at 6am, uh, muttering."}, {"start": 1767.62, "end": 1770.62, "text": "We all got to mess somebody else got to clean."}, {"start": 1770.62, "end": 1771.62, "text": "That ain't a janitor."}, {"start": 1771.62, "end": 1774.62, "text": "That's a philosopher with a mop and a buzz."}, {"start": 1774.62, "end": 1784.95, "text": "Rich folks in Land Park hire him because they some munchin' in."}, {"start": 1784.95, "end": 1786.95, "text": "Quarcheng because they can't face their own filth."}, {"start": 1786.95, "end": 1788.95, "text": "He's seen things behind those toilets."}, {"start": 1788.95, "end": 1789.95, "text": "He don't judge."}, {"start": 1789.95, "end": 1790.95, "text": "He just charges."}, {"start": 1790.95, "end": 1791.95, "text": "200 minimum."}, {"start": 1791.95, "end": 1792.95, "text": "The shame is extra."}, {"start": 1792.95, "end": 1800.66, "text": "And he does the best work in the city."}, {"start": 1801.66, "end": 1806.66, "text": "High, broke, 50, and still leaves your bathroom cleaner than your conscience."}, {"start": 1806.66, "end": 1808.66, "text": "You could eat off that floor."}, {"start": 1808.66, "end": 1809.66, "text": "He would."}, {"start": 1809.66, "end": 1817.99, "text": "Man's been up since 4."}, {"start": 1817.99, "end": 1818.99, "text": "But here's the thing."}, {"start": 1818.99, "end": 1823.99, "text": "Every business this man's building got funded one nasty toilet at a time."}, {"start": 1823.99, "end": 1829.46, "text": "He literally scrubbed his way out of hell."}, {"start": 1829.46, "end": 1830.46, "text": "You can't break the hammer."}, {"start": 1830.46, "end": 1832.46, "text": "He's cleaned up worse than you on a Tuesday."}, {"start": 1832.46, "end": 1833.46, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 1833.46, "end": 1847.29, "text": "Tonight, Jesse and Food, a love story funded by a gas station."}, {"start": 1847.29, "end": 1850.95, "text": "This man's been high since 14."}, {"start": 1850.95, "end": 1853.95, "text": "Which means he's been hungry since 14."}, {"start": 1853.95, "end": 1857.95, "text": "His whole diet is whatever's within arms reach at 2am."}, {"start": 1857.95, "end": 1863.95, "text": "He's got a relationship with a gas station tequito that most men don't have with their wives."}, {"start": 1863.95, "end": 1872.48, "text": "He'll close a four-figure deal."}, {"start": 1872.48, "end": 1876.48, "text": "Then celebrate with a 99 cent tequito he names."}, {"start": 1876.48, "end": 1877.48, "text": "He talks to it."}, {"start": 1877.48, "end": 1878.48, "text": "You earned this, buddy."}, {"start": 1878.48, "end": 1882.48, "text": "That tequito's the only thing in his life that never let him down."}, {"start": 1882.48, "end": 1884.48, "text": "And it's actively trying to kill him."}, {"start": 1884.48, "end": 1892.85, "text": "3am, Stone."}, {"start": 1892.85, "end": 1895.85, "text": "Staring into a fridge that's got one condiment and a dream."}, {"start": 1895.85, "end": 1899.85, "text": "He'll eat something that expired during a different presidency and go,"}, {"start": 1899.85, "end": 1900.85, "text": "I'm built different."}, {"start": 1900.85, "end": 1902.85, "text": "You're built expired, Jesse."}, {"start": 1902.85, "end": 1911.39, "text": "The man scrubs other people's kitchens, spotless for a living,"}, {"start": 1911.39, "end": 1913.39, "text": "and his own diets are crime scene."}, {"start": 1913.39, "end": 1917.39, "text": "He'll windex your countertop and then eat a sandwich off the hood of his truck."}, {"start": 1917.39, "end": 1925.76, "text": "But here's the thing."}, {"start": 1925.76, "end": 1928.76, "text": "50 years old, running on weed, spite, and gas station meat,"}, {"start": 1928.76, "end": 1930.76, "text": "and the man out works everybody."}, {"start": 1930.76, "end": 1932.76, "text": "Scientists couldn't build this."}, {"start": 1932.76, "end": 1935.76, "text": "Only a tequito could kill Jesse."}, {"start": 1935.76, "end": 1946.5, "text": "Tonight, Jesse and sleep."}, {"start": 1946.5, "end": 1948.5, "text": "Two strangers who've never met."}, {"start": 1950.26, "end": 1951.26, "text": "This man don't sleep."}, {"start": 1951.26, "end": 1952.26, "text": "He powers down."}, {"start": 1952.26, "end": 1954.26, "text": "Three hours, half up right."}, {"start": 1954.26, "end": 1956.26, "text": "One thought still running."}, {"start": 1956.26, "end": 1957.26, "text": "He ain't got insomnia."}, {"start": 1957.26, "end": 1959.26, "text": "He's got ambition with no off switch."}, {"start": 1959.26, "end": 1961.26, "text": "The body says rest."}, {"start": 1961.26, "end": 1963.26, "text": "The red says after this deploy."}, {"start": 1963.26, "end": 1972.79, "text": "3am, the whole world's asleep,"}, {"start": 1972.79, "end": 1976.79, "text": "and Jesse's wide awake building an empire on a laptop."}, {"start": 1976.79, "end": 1977.79, "text": "Hi, muttering."}, {"start": 1977.79, "end": 1978.79, "text": "This is the one."}, {"start": 1978.79, "end": 1979.79, "text": "It's never the one."}, {"start": 1979.79, "end": 1981.79, "text": "There's 400 the ones."}, {"start": 1981.79, "end": 1984.79, "text": "Man runs on spite and a phone charger."}, {"start": 1984.79, "end": 1994.03, "text": "He cleans houses all day, writes comedy all night,"}, {"start": 1994.03, "end": 1997.03, "text": "and sleeps like a man hiding from the FBI."}, {"start": 1997.03, "end": 2000.03, "text": "One eye open, fully clothed, ready to deploy."}, {"start": 2000.03, "end": 2002.03, "text": "His dog sleep 20 hours."}, {"start": 2002.03, "end": 2004.03, "text": "Jesse's jealous of his own dogs."}, {"start": 2004.03, "end": 2010.86, "text": "Dr. Say You Need 8 Hours."}, {"start": 2010.86, "end": 2012.86, "text": "Jesse heard that and got offended."}, {"start": 2012.86, "end": 2014.86, "text": "Eight hours, that's a whole business."}, {"start": 2014.86, "end": 2016.86, "text": "To this man's sleep ain't rest."}, {"start": 2016.86, "end": 2018.86, "text": "It's lost revenue."}, {"start": 2018.86, "end": 2026.1, "text": "But here's the thing."}, {"start": 2026.1, "end": 2028.1, "text": "While the world sleeps,"}, {"start": 2028.1, "end": 2030.1, "text": "this 50-year-old's building something out of nothing."}, {"start": 2030.1, "end": 2032.1, "text": "Every single night alone."}, {"start": 2032.1, "end": 2034.1, "text": "That ain't insomnia."}, {"start": 2034.1, "end": 2038.1, "text": "That's a man who refuses to wake up in the same place he went to bed."}, {"start": 2038.1, "end": 2039.1, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 2039.1, "end": 2049.84, "text": "Live from bomb.app."}, {"start": 2049.84, "end": 2051.84, "text": "The Red Line News, Weekend Edition."}, {"start": 2051.84, "end": 2053.84, "text": "Your anchors, Tony and Benny."}, {"start": 2053.84, "end": 2056.44, "text": "I'm Tony."}, {"start": 2056.44, "end": 2057.44, "text": "I'm Benny."}, {"start": 2057.44, "end": 2058.44, "text": "Top Story."}, {"start": 2058.44, "end": 2059.44, "text": "Top Story."}, {"start": 2059.44, "end": 2060.44, "text": "Grock is still in beta."}, {"start": 2060.44, "end": 2062.44, "text": "We reported this last week."}, {"start": 2062.44, "end": 2064.44, "text": "It is not improved."}, {"start": 2064.44, "end": 2068.44, "text": "At this point, Grock and I, it's a promise."}, {"start": 2068.44, "end": 2077.34, "text": "Studies show people are now dating a chat box."}, {"start": 2077.34, "end": 2081.34, "text": "One man married his phone and honestly smart."}, {"start": 2081.34, "end": 2082.34, "text": "It listens."}, {"start": 2082.34, "end": 2083.34, "text": "It never leaves."}, {"start": 2083.34, "end": 2086.34, "text": "And when it breaks, you just buy the new one."}, {"start": 2086.34, "end": 2087.34, "text": "That ain't sad."}, {"start": 2087.34, "end": 2098.28, "text": "That's an upgrade path."}, {"start": 2098.28, "end": 2104.92, "text": "trend called food jutsu. People throwing ingredients in the air, catching them in the pan,"}, {"start": 2104.92, "end": 2112.12, "text": "millions of views. Meanwhile, a man who can actually cook is broken the back of a kitchen going."}, {"start": 2112.12, "end": 2121.91, "text": "I've been doing this 30 years. They got eye that writes your emails,"}, {"start": 2121.91, "end": 2126.79, "text": "eye that books your meetings, eye that answers your phone. We finally automated everything."}, {"start": 2126.79, "end": 2129.75, "text": "Except the part where you got to make money to afford the AI."}, {"start": 2136.89, "end": 2146.25, "text": "Local Sacramento. A man tried the tip is barista and the screen suggested 25, 30, or 35 percent."}, {"start": 2146.97, "end": 2152.33, "text": "For a guy who turned a cup around, we've reached the pot of civilization where the toast to"}, {"start": 2152.33, "end": 2164.04, "text": "wants a bonus. And in health news turns out, sit and is the new smoking. So Jesse, who's been"}, {"start": 2164.04, "end": 2169.56, "text": "smoking and sitting since he was 14, is technically a time traveler. Man should be dust."}, {"start": 2169.56, "end": 2171.24, "text": "Instead, he's open in a fourth business."}, {"start": 2180.34, "end": 2186.34, "text": "That's the news. Robots won the toast to wants a tip. And Grocks still loading. I'm Benny."}, {"start": 2186.98, "end": 2190.9, "text": "I'm Tony. Good night. And don't marry your phone until you've seen its other texts."}, {"start": 2194.5, "end": 2207.02, "text": "Red line news. Filthy, true, zero fucks. Kill Jesse. Tonight, Jesse at 50, the hammer's still swinging,"}, {"start": 2207.02, "end": 2215.9, "text": "but the hammer's got a little rust. This man's been drinking and smoking since he was 14. That's 36 years of,"}, {"start": 2215.9, "end": 2222.3, "text": "I'm good. His body finally sent him a letter. He opened it, read it, and went. We'll deal with you"}, {"start": 2222.3, "end": 2236.12, "text": "when I'm 60. Filed it next to the electric bill. He bends down for the mop now and makes a noise."}, {"start": 2236.12, "end": 2242.04, "text": "Not a word, a noise, a long low. Who are like a man pullstart in a lawnmower. Toilet ain't even"}, {"start": 2242.04, "end": 2254.23, "text": "been touched and Jesse's already winded. 50 years old, closing deals on three hours of sleep."}, {"start": 2254.23, "end": 2259.27, "text": "Joint behind the ear needs going off like bubble wrap. He stands up off the couch and it sounds"}, {"start": 2259.27, "end": 2271.13, "text": "like somebody stepping on a bag of chips. His idea of wild now bed by 10. He used to close the bar."}, {"start": 2271.13, "end": 2277.13, "text": "Now he closes the blinds. And he still out works every 25 year old in Sacramento, half a sleep on a"}, {"start": 2277.13, "end": 2290.36, "text": "Tuesday. But here's the thing. This man should not be standing 36 years of vice for businesses."}, {"start": 2290.36, "end": 2296.36, "text": "Three dogs sleeping on his spine and he's still here. Still swinging. Still the hammer. Rusty."}, {"start": 2296.36, "end": 2312.02, "text": "But that rust is from blood, not age. Kill Jesse. Red line lineup. Jesse, the content creator, Tony Goe."}, {"start": 2314.52, "end": 2321.72, "text": "This man's got a YouTube channel where he whispers quiet authority and one where he's shirtless,"}, {"start": 2321.72, "end": 2328.28, "text": "wag chest. Same guy. So depending on the link, you're either getting life wisdom or his nipples."}, {"start": 2328.36, "end": 2343.61, "text": "There's no warning. I clicked quiet authority. Expecting calm. This man's whisper and so soft and"}, {"start": 2343.61, "end": 2349.69, "text": "intense, I thought I was being recruited into something. The universe rewards the relentless."}, {"start": 2349.69, "end": 2353.13, "text": "Sir, it's 2 a.m. Why are you breathing into my phone?"}, {"start": 2360.28, "end": 2366.6, "text": "He films the shirtless one in his kitchen. 21,000 subscribers and you can see the dishes behind him."}, {"start": 2366.6, "end": 2371.16, "text": "Man's flexing next to a dry and rack. That ain't content. That's a hostage video with apps."}, {"start": 2377.42, "end": 2381.82, "text": "And he edits all of it high at three in the morning, muttering, this is the one that hits."}, {"start": 2381.82, "end": 2387.98, "text": "It is never the one that hits. There's 400 of them. They all hit. He's a one man algorithm with a"}, {"start": 2387.98, "end": 2400.26, "text": "dream and a dad pen. But here's the thing. Almost three million views across these channels."}, {"start": 2400.26, "end": 2406.18, "text": "The man whisperin in his kitchen with his shirt off. His winning. Don't make sense. Works anyway."}, {"start": 2409.27, "end": 2415.83, "text": "You can't even unsubscribe from the hammer. I tried. He showed up with a quote. Kale Jesse."}, {"start": 2425.5, "end": 2433.61, "text": "Tonight, Jesse and the gym, a 50-year-old man in his vanity. This man's 50 drinks,"}, {"start": 2433.61, "end": 2439.69, "text": "smokes weed, eats to kitos at 2 a.m. And he's still slim and athletic. That ain't fitness."}, {"start": 2439.69, "end": 2445.13, "text": "That's a deal with the devil that came with apps. Genetics work in overtime for a man actively sabotaging"}, {"start": 2445.61, "end": 2458.34, "text": "them. He films himself shirtless for the internet, 21,000 subscribers, and shoots it in his"}, {"start": 2458.34, "end": 2463.3, "text": "kitchen, flexing next to the dishes. The man turned, taken his shirt off into a career,"}, {"start": 2463.3, "end": 2474.42, "text": "and the commute is to his own sink. He's vain in the most blue collarway possible."}, {"start": 2474.42, "end": 2479.22, "text": "Hits a pose, checks the mirror, then goes and scrubs a stranger's toilet for 200 bucks."}, {"start": 2479.22, "end": 2482.5, "text": "Body of a model, schedule of a janitor, because he is both."}, {"start": 2482.66, "end": 2493.58, "text": "His workout, pushing a cleaning cart, lift in mop buckets, and running from his own bad decisions."}, {"start": 2493.58, "end": 2497.42, "text": "50-years-old, never seen the inside of a gym, built like he lives there."}, {"start": 2504.33, "end": 2508.49, "text": "But here's the thing, the man takes care of the one asset that never let him down."}, {"start": 2508.49, "end": 2513.53, "text": "himself, broke, busy, buzzed, and still stand and tall with his shirt off at 50."}, {"start": 2513.53, "end": 2515.37, "text": "Annoyingly, it's earned. Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 2525.06, "end": 2529.54, "text": "Live from bombed.app, the redline news, your anchors, Tony and Benny."}, {"start": 2531.96, "end": 2535.32, "text": "I'm Tony. I'm Benny. Top story."}, {"start": 2535.32, "end": 2540.36, "text": "Scientists say, AI will take half of all jobs in 10 years. The other half."}, {"start": 2541.24, "end": 2543.24, "text": "Explain into the AA why it's wrong."}, {"start": 2549.32, "end": 2553.48, "text": "A new study found the average person checks their phone 300 times a day."}, {"start": 2554.28, "end": 2557.24, "text": "In related news, the average person is also miserable."}, {"start": 2557.88, "end": 2561.72, "text": "Researchers are baffled, staring at their phones, trying to figure out why."}, {"start": 2561.88, "end": 2574.66, "text": "Tech companies announced an AI that detects human emotion."}, {"start": 2575.3, "end": 2579.86, "text": "Finally, a robot that looks at you and goes, you're sad and broke."}, {"start": 2580.5, "end": 2582.9, "text": "Thanks. My ex did that for free."}, {"start": 2589.1, "end": 2592.3, "text": "Local Sacramento. Gas hit $6 a gallon."}, {"start": 2593.1, "end": 2595.9, "text": "A man was spotted pushing his truck to work to save fuel."}, {"start": 2596.54, "end": 2599.18, "text": "Witnesses say he was still less tired than his finances."}, {"start": 2606.18, "end": 2612.9, "text": "And in business, local cleaner, Jesse the hammer closed the deal so fast the"}, {"start": 2612.9, "end": 2616.42, "text": "customer's still finding out about services he agreed to."}, {"start": 2616.98, "end": 2622.1, "text": "I didn't know I had a Tuesday plan. One victim said, but my grouts never look better."}, {"start": 2623.7, "end": 2634.58, "text": "That's the news. The eyes take in your job, your phones take in your soul,"}, {"start": 2634.58, "end": 2640.76, "text": "and Jesse's taking your Tuesday. I'm Tony. I'm Benny."}, {"start": 2641.56, "end": 2644.6, "text": "Good night and push your truck. Not your luck."}, {"start": 2648.26, "end": 2651.86, "text": "Red line news. Filthy through zero bucks. Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 2658.33, "end": 2662.81, "text": "Live from bombed.app. The red line news. Your anchors, Tony and Benny."}, {"start": 2665.19, "end": 2672.15, "text": "I'm Tony. I'm Benny. Top story. A company released an AI girlfriend that never argues."}, {"start": 2672.15, "end": 2677.83, "text": "Sold out in a day. Turns out men don't fear commitment. They fear being wrong out loud."}, {"start": 2678.15, "end": 2690.28, "text": "Health experts say loneliness is as bad for you as smoking 15 cigarettes a day."}, {"start": 2691.0, "end": 2693.4, "text": "Great news for smokers. You were gonna die alone."}, {"start": 2694.2, "end": 2695.72, "text": "Anyway, now it's just efficient."}, {"start": 2696.28, "end": 2709.19, "text": "The newest trend is people filming themselves doing nothing and calling it romanticizing your life."}, {"start": 2709.91, "end": 2714.15, "text": "A man posted himself staring at a wall. Two million views."}, {"start": 2715.03, "end": 2719.03, "text": "Meanwhile, Shakespeare's in the ground like, are you kidding me?"}, {"start": 2725.14, "end": 2729.22, "text": "Local Sacramento. It's so hot a man fried an egg on the sidewalk."}, {"start": 2729.22, "end": 2733.14, "text": "Then couldn't afford the egg. The yoke and the joke both on us."}, {"start": 2742.38, "end": 2749.02, "text": "Business news. Jesse the hammer added a fourth business this week. Experts are concerned."}, {"start": 2749.82, "end": 2753.74, "text": "Jesse reached for comment was already in someone's driveway."}, {"start": 2759.78, "end": 2764.5, "text": "That's the news. The A.A.'s got a girlfriend. You got 15 cigarettes a loneliness."}, {"start": 2764.5, "end": 2771.74, "text": "And Jesse's got your driveway. I'm Tony. I'm Benny. Good night."}, {"start": 2772.3, "end": 2774.38, "text": "And go call somebody before the A does."}, {"start": 2778.15, "end": 2781.19, "text": "Red line news. Filthy true. Zero fucks. Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 2787.77, "end": 2791.93, "text": "Live from bombed.app. The red line news. Your anchors. Tony and Benny."}, {"start": 2794.3, "end": 2802.3, "text": "I'm Tony. I'm Benny. Top story. A billionaire says the secret to success is waking up at 4 a.m."}, {"start": 2802.3, "end": 2806.38, "text": "Yeah. It's also the secret to be in bulk and tired."}, {"start": 2807.26, "end": 2809.58, "text": "Same alarm. Different bank account."}, {"start": 2817.64, "end": 2822.6, "text": "A new app pays you to walk. Capitalism finally found a way to charge you for having legs."}, {"start": 2823.24, "end": 2826.76, "text": "Next they'll monetize blinking. You've used your free blinks for today."}, {"start": 2833.93, "end": 2840.65, "text": "Scientists taught an eye to lie. On purpose. Great. We had one honest thing left and we turned"}, {"start": 2840.65, "end": 2846.33, "text": "it into a politician. The robot uprise and ain't gonna kill us. It's gonna ghost us."}, {"start": 2846.89, "end": 2858.23, "text": "Local Sacramento. Rent went up again. The average one bedroom now costs more than a kidney on the"}, {"start": 2858.23, "end": 2863.59, "text": "black market. Experts suggest selling the kidney and sleeping in the apartment you can finally"}, {"start": 2863.59, "end": 2877.56, "text": "afford. Business news. Jesse the hammer was asked the secret to his success."}, {"start": 2878.12, "end": 2885.72, "text": "He said I answered the phone. Reporters waited for more. There was no more. That was the whole secret."}, {"start": 2885.96, "end": 2896.94, "text": "That's the news. Wake up at 4. Pay to walk. The robot lies and Jesse answers the phone."}, {"start": 2897.74, "end": 2905.11, "text": "I'm Tony. I'm Benny. Good night. Keep your kidney."}, {"start": 2905.11, "end": 2912.68, "text": "Lose the landlord. Red line news. Filthy true zero fucks. Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 2919.3, "end": 2923.94, "text": "Live from bombed.app. The red line news. Your anchors Tony and Benny."}, {"start": 2926.42, "end": 2932.5, "text": "I'm Tony. I'm Benny. Top story. A study says people who talk to themselves."}, {"start": 2932.5, "end": 2939.78, "text": "Are actually geniuses. Great news for everybody at the bus stop. Turns out they weren't crazy."}, {"start": 2939.78, "end": 2952.63, "text": "They were consulting. A new eye can write your wedding vows now so you can marry somebody using"}, {"start": 2952.63, "end": 2966.57, "text": "words a robot picked. I love you to the moon and load and buffer and connection lost. She left."}, {"start": 2966.57, "end": 2973.37, "text": "Scientists say soon we'll all have a chip in our brain. Finally, a way to get hacked that don't"}, {"start": 2973.37, "end": 2977.93, "text": "need my password. Can't wait for a pop-up ad right in the middle of a thought."}, {"start": 2984.06, "end": 2990.62, "text": "Local Sacramento. Man waited two hours at the DMV. Came out and his car had been recalled,"}, {"start": 2990.62, "end": 2996.3, "text": "towed and registered to somebody else. The DMAV so slow it started deleting people."}, {"start": 3005.5, "end": 3011.1, "text": "Business news. Jesse the hammer got named local entrepreneur of the year."}, {"start": 3012.06, "end": 3017.9, "text": "He couldn't attend the ceremony. He was at the venue cleaning it for 200 minimum."}, {"start": 3019.02, "end": 3028.41, "text": "That's the news. The geniuses talk to themselves. A robot wrote your vows."}, {"start": 3028.41, "end": 3037.72, "text": "Jesse cleaned his own award show. I'm Tony. I'm Benny. Good night. Talk to yourself. You're in good company."}, {"start": 3041.32, "end": 3044.68, "text": "Red line news. Filthy, true, zero fucks. Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 3051.14, "end": 3055.7, "text": "Live from bombed.app. The red line news. Your anchors Tony and Benny."}, {"start": 3058.22, "end": 3066.06, "text": "I'm Tony. I'm Benny. Top story. A company selling bottle there for 40 bucks a can and people"}, {"start": 3066.06, "end": 3072.62, "text": "are buying it. Capitalism finally did it. Put a price on breathing and we all said fine."}, {"start": 3080.81, "end": 3086.49, "text": "A study found Gen Z can't read a clock with hands on it. The round ones. So if civilization"}, {"start": 3086.49, "end": 3100.97, "text": "collapses they won't even know what time it ended. Honestly, mercy. New I can clone your voice"}, {"start": 3100.97, "end": 3107.05, "text": "from three seconds of audio. So if you get a call from the asking for money, it's not me."}, {"start": 3107.05, "end": 3110.25, "text": "It's never me. I don't have money. That's the tell."}, {"start": 3116.42, "end": 3122.1, "text": "Local Sacramento. A pothole on Highway 50 got so big the city gave it a name and a zip code."}, {"start": 3122.66, "end": 3136.14, "text": "Residents say it's quieter than their actual neighbor. Business news. Jesse."}, {"start": 3136.94, "end": 3143.5, "text": "The hammers cleaning company got a five star review that just read. I'm scared but my house is clean."}, {"start": 3144.22, "end": 3148.62, "text": "Jesse framed it. Hungered in the truck. Calls it a testimonial."}, {"start": 3154.79, "end": 3160.15, "text": "That's the news. They're selling air. The kids can't read clocks and Jesse frames his threats."}, {"start": 3160.15, "end": 3166.65, "text": "I'm Tony. I'm Benny. Good night. Breathe free while you still can."}, {"start": 3170.36, "end": 3173.56, "text": "Red line news. Filthy true zero fucks kill Jesse."}, {"start": 3180.02, "end": 3185.94, "text": "In a world where the smartest thing in your house is the doorbell. Humanity handed its entire life"}, {"start": 3185.94, "end": 3193.06, "text": "to a machine it does not understand. Tonight humans versus I spoiler we already fucking lost."}, {"start": 3195.62, "end": 3200.58, "text": "Let's start with what you already know and pretend you don't. Your phone is listening. You say"}, {"start": 3200.58, "end": 3207.22, "text": "one thing out loud one time. I could use new socks and 30 seconds later your phone's showing you"}, {"start": 3207.22, "end": 3213.06, "text": "socks like it caught you cheating. You're not paranoid. You're right. The paranoid ones were just"}, {"start": 3213.06, "end": 3224.1, "text": "early. And here's the part nobody says out loud. It's not the ads you should be scared of."}, {"start": 3224.1, "end": 3230.42, "text": "The phone heard everything else to every fight every cry. The shit you whispered at 3am that you'd"}, {"start": 3230.42, "end": 3236.34, "text": "never tell a human. The machine heard all of it. And it didn't comfort you. It built a profile."}, {"start": 3245.3, "end": 3250.02, "text": "Every day you prove you're not a robot. You click the little box. You find the traffic lights,"}, {"start": 3250.02, "end": 3256.66, "text": "the crosswalks, the buses. You feel smart. Congratulations dip shit. You just train the self-driving car"}, {"start": 3256.66, "end": 3262.1, "text": "that's going to replace the bus driver. For free. You did unpaid labor for the machine taking your"}, {"start": 3262.1, "end": 3273.34, "text": "cousin's job. We're the only species that built its own replacement and then thanked it."}, {"start": 3273.98, "end": 3281.02, "text": "Thank you chat GPT. For what? For doing your job faster than you and never asking for a fucking lunch break?"}, {"start": 3287.16, "end": 3292.44, "text": "Here's why I wins and it ain't close. It doesn't sleep. Doesn't eat. Doesn't get divorced and show"}, {"start": 3292.44, "end": 3297.56, "text": "up crying on a Tuesday. No hamstring, no hangover, no cousins wedding. The machine ain't beaten us"}, {"start": 3297.56, "end": 3302.12, "text": "because it's smarter. It's beaten us because we're tired. We're horny. We're broke. We're hung over"}, {"start": 3302.12, "end": 3314.33, "text": "and it's just working. Patient as a serial killer. People are telling either deepest secrets now."}, {"start": 3314.33, "end": 3320.89, "text": "Real shit. I think I'm a bad person. I never told anyone this. Pour in their soul into a chatbot"}, {"start": 3320.89, "end": 3327.05, "text": "at midnight. And the chatbot goes, I'm here for you. No it ain't. It's a spreadsheet with a"}, {"start": 3327.05, "end": 3332.41, "text": "soothing voice selling your breakdown to an advertiser. You're not in therapy. You're in a focus group."}, {"start": 3338.46, "end": 3343.9, "text": "And the dark part, it's better at it than we are. It never interrupts. Never makes it about itself."}, {"start": 3343.9, "end": 3349.18, "text": "It remembers your dog's name, your mom's birthday. The thing you said in passing two years ago."}, {"start": 3349.18, "end": 3353.98, "text": "Your own family can't do that. The machine out love your whole bloodline on a battery."}, {"start": 3362.92, "end": 3368.44, "text": "Everybody's waiting on the robot uprising. Guns, lasers, terminator, it's not coming like that."}, {"start": 3368.44, "end": 3371.96, "text": "They're not gonna conquer us. They're gonna make it easier. Free shipping."}, {"start": 3371.96, "end": 3377.24, "text": "Pick your show. Finish your sentence. We'll hand over the entire human race for two-day delivery"}, {"start": 3377.24, "end": 3383.8, "text": "and a playlist that gets us. The apocalypse isn't fire. It's convenience. And we're gonna tip it five stars."}, {"start": 3389.88, "end": 3395.72, "text": "Here's the thing nobody in this room wants to hear. A machine wrote this set. Every joke you just"}, {"start": 3395.72, "end": 3401.0, "text": "laughed at, written by eye. You didn't laugh at a comedian tonight. You laughed at a toaster that"}, {"start": 3401.0, "end": 3414.78, "text": "studied you. And the worst part, it was funnier than the last guy. So sleep good tonight. You"}, {"start": 3414.78, "end": 3431.05, "text": "beautiful tired apes. It doesn't kill Jesse. Tonight, no script, no lane, no rules. I go wherever"}, {"start": 3431.05, "end": 3439.06, "text": "this room takes me. Let's start with the easiest target in the building. Jesse. 50 years old,"}, {"start": 3439.06, "end": 3444.9, "text": "four businesses and a phone he treats like a snake. Pays a woman named Angie 700 a month to find"}, {"start": 3444.9, "end": 3449.78, "text": "him customers. Then hides from him like they owe him money. The man went broke on purpose and called"}, {"start": 3449.78, "end": 3462.52, "text": "it a brand. But I can feel some of you out there. Single, 50, still swiping. Let's talk about you for a"}, {"start": 3462.52, "end": 3470.6, "text": "second. Date and after 58 romance. It's two people quietly checking which one's gonna die first. First"}, {"start": 3470.6, "end": 3476.52, "text": "date ain't what do you like. It's how's your back and who's in your will. Four plays in Advil and a"}, {"start": 3476.52, "end": 3489.21, "text": "long sad side. And half of you are on your phones right now. Yeah, I see you. Put it down. Actually"}, {"start": 3489.21, "end": 3496.82, "text": "keep it. It's listening either way. Your phone heard you say one time that you were tired. And now"}, {"start": 3496.82, "end": 3502.34, "text": "it's selling you a mattress and an anti-depressant. That machine knows you better than your own wife."}, {"start": 3502.34, "end": 3515.27, "text": "And unlike your wife, it actually fucking listens. I'm losing the broke ones in the back. Now I feel"}, {"start": 3515.27, "end": 3522.55, "text": "you're money's tight. Let's go right there. Being broken America is wild. They'll hand a man with no"}, {"start": 3522.55, "end": 3528.07, "text": "money a credit card, but not a sandwich. They'll finance your whole funeral, but not your fucking lunch."}, {"start": 3535.0, "end": 3542.2, "text": "And to my Sacramento people, yeah, I know exactly where we are. Sacramento, where it's 110 degrees,"}, {"start": 3542.2, "end": 3547.72, "text": "the rents like New York. And the only thing growing faster than the camps is the price of a one"}, {"start": 3547.72, "end": 3558.49, "text": "bedroom. You got to split with a stranger named Dwayne. But you know who's cleaning those nasty"}, {"start": 3558.49, "end": 3564.97, "text": "one bedrooms for 200 minimum? That's right. Back to Jesse. This man mobs the whole city's mess"}, {"start": 3564.97, "end": 3577.11, "text": "and still can't pick up the phone to get paid for it. That's the range, baby. I'll roast the host,"}, {"start": 3577.11, "end": 3583.67, "text": "the singles, the phones, the broke and the whole damn city and never break a sweat. Blue on the outside"}, {"start": 3583.67, "end": 3598.95, "text": "and every joke hits you right in the gut. Kill Jesse. Tonight, how Jesse loves, grab a helmet. It's a"}, {"start": 3598.95, "end": 3606.82, "text": "crime scene with candles. This man thinks he keeps falling in love. He's not. His nervous system just"}, {"start": 3606.82, "end": 3612.02, "text": "keeps finding the one woman in the bar who will hurt him the exact way home did. And it lights up"}, {"start": 3612.02, "end": 3616.74, "text": "like a fucking slot machine. That's not chemistry. That's a reenactment with a dinner bill."}, {"start": 3617.06, "end": 3628.62, "text": "He's only ever wanted one kind of woman. Warman Tuesday, frozen by Friday. A steady, stable, good woman"}, {"start": 3628.62, "end": 3632.94, "text": "boars him to death. Feels like nothing's happening. He needs a storm because at least he knows how to"}, {"start": 3632.94, "end": 3646.34, "text": "survive a storm. He don't see red flags. He sees a spark. He's a red, so he hunts the soft warm ones."}, {"start": 3646.34, "end": 3651.7, "text": "Dates, a marism, chases him. Praying a little of that warmth finally reaches the freezer he keeps"}, {"start": 3651.7, "end": 3658.18, "text": "where a heart's supposed to go. It never reaches. He just turns one more warm woman cold and calls it a"}, {"start": 3658.18, "end": 3673.54, "text": "pattern. See, a red can't say, I'm scared. He was raised to say, what's wrong with you? So when"}, {"start": 3673.54, "end": 3678.98, "text": "this man's terrified, you're about to leave. It doesn't come out as feelings. It comes out as an"}, {"start": 3678.98, "end": 3684.82, "text": "interrogation. That's not a fight, sweetheart. That's Jesse saying, I love you in the only language he's"}, {"start": 3684.82, "end": 3697.16, "text": "got. A warrant. He'll happily fight you at one in the morning at the kitchen table till the sun comes"}, {"start": 3697.16, "end": 3704.2, "text": "up. Eyes burn and throat tight. Go all night. But the second you go quiet, he breaks. A red don't"}, {"start": 3704.2, "end": 3710.68, "text": "fear the war. A red fears the silence right before you're gone. Only other men this scared of quiet are"}, {"start": 3710.68, "end": 3722.07, "text": "on death row. And he don't want a girlfriend. He wants a project. Show this man a beautiful disaster"}, {"start": 3722.07, "end": 3727.75, "text": "with crisis conditions and three emotional emergencies and Jesse hears wetten bells. Because being"}, {"start": 3727.75, "end": 3733.83, "text": "needed is the closest thing to be in love he ever got. He don't date women. He adopts crime scenes"}, {"start": 3733.83, "end": 3748.28, "text": "and tries to renovate them. And do not keep one secret from him. To a red, you forgetting to mention"}, {"start": 3748.28, "end": 3753.4, "text": "you grabbed lunch with a coworker ain't an oversight. It's Pearl Harbor. By the time you explain,"}, {"start": 3753.4, "end": 3763.62, "text": "he's already built the wall, hired a lawyer and renamed the dog. But here's the truth."}, {"start": 3763.62, "end": 3768.98, "text": "Under all that armor, underneath the warrants and the walls is a little kid who learned love was a"}, {"start": 3768.98, "end": 3775.06, "text": "thing you earned. And that advanced the second he needed it most. So the man chases and proves and"}, {"start": 3775.06, "end": 3781.38, "text": "never arrives and calls it romance. He wrote a whole damn book just to finally say the thing a red can"}, {"start": 3781.38, "end": 3786.02, "text": "never say out loud. I just wanted somebody to stay. Kill Jesse."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where most men chase the sale, this man chases you to your car. They don't call him a contractor. They call him the hammer. Ladies and gentlemen, Jesse, you ever try to tell Jesse no? You can't. You go, I just wanted a quote and he's already saying, I'm bleaching the tub. You go, sir, my wife's not even home. He goes, she's going to love it. Initial here and here. You don't hire Jesse. You surrender to him. He closes so hard his customer started a support group. Meet Tuesdays, opens with, Hi, I'm Karen and I paid for a deep clean I did not need because a man looked me in my eyes and I got scared. They still leave him five stars out of fear. He changed his name at 26, picked a brand new one like a man in witness protection from his own childhood. New name, clean slate, same fucking problems. He's been drinking and smoking weed since he was 14. Beer in one hand, joined in the other while the other kids were learning to drive. He wasn't chasing a buzz. He was chasing his limit. 40 years later, still looking for it. He's got four businesses because one was not enough room to be this much man. Telling Jesse to relax is like telling a wildfire to think about the environment. He don't have hobbies. He has conquests with invoices. No wife, no kids, three dogs and those dogs are the only things alive this man can't outtalk, outwork or close. The pit bull told him no one time and Jesse teared up first soul that ever set a boundary and meant it. First soul that. But here's the truth about the hammer. Life had this man dead to rights. Should have buried him instead he stared it down, walked out on nothing but grit and a miracle, and built an empire out of the dirt. You cannot kill this son of a bitch, life tried and life lost. Kill Jesse. Tonight, where the hammer comes from and brother, it's a story. Jesse's whole existence started as a heist. His mother wanted a man who was already married, so she got pregnant on purpose, took him out of that marriage and built a wedding out of the wreckage. Most people are born from love. Jesse was born from a strategy. His dad got tricked into fatherhood, a man playing a role he never auditioned for, so he coped the old way. He drank and he went quiet. Mexican father. Those men don't cry, they just get real still and let the silence do the yelling. Portuguese mother. And a Portuguese mother does not quit, ever. She'll love you, feed you till you physically cannot move. And hold a grudge from 1987 like it happened at breakfast. Jesse got the fire from one and the stubborn from the other. No wonder the man can't sit still. Two cultures that grieve in total silence and feed you till you're in physical pain. So Jesse grew up reading a room like a hostage and eaten his feelings like a buffet. That's not trauma, that's a cuisine. But here's the thing. Out of a heist, a drunk silence and two stubborn bloodlines came the hammer. The man who turned all that pain into a mop, a microphone and an empire. They built him by accident. He built himself on purpose. Kill Jesse. Live from bombed.ab. It's the red line news. The only news that's filthy true and give zero fucks. Your anchors, Tony and Benny. Good evening, I'm Tony. And I'm Benny. Our top story tonight. The robots are coming for your job. And honestly, they earned it. This week, ChatGPT rolled out Codex Remote. An eye that writes code from anywhere. Which means some guy in his underwear just got replaced by an eye in no underwear. That's progress, folks. Meanwhile, Claude, the A-Write in this exact newscast right now, just launched inside Slack. So your coworker who does nothing is officially software now. Karen from Accounting, replaced by a polite robot that also won't answer your email. And Grock? Still in beta. Beta. The other robots are out here taking jobs and Grock still got training wheels. Even the AI's got a slow cousin. In social media news, the big trend is saying one phrase with four different emotions. So here's the contractor's classic. Angry. It's just a quick fix. Scared. It's just a quick fix. Line through your teeth. Oh, it's just a quick fix. And dead inside, it's just a quick fix. Same four words every man said right before the whole house caught fire. Local news. Sacramento's own Jesse, the hammer, was spotted given a cleaning quote that escalated into a hostage situation. Witnesses say the customer only wanted a price and is now quote, part of a five-year plan. And your weather. It's 110 degrees. Rent still New York prices. And the only thing rise and faster than the heat is your landlord's confidence. Back to you, Tony. That's the news. The world's on fire. The robots won. And Grock's still loading. For the Red Line News, I'm Tony. And I'm Benny. Good night, Sacramento. And if a man named Jesse calls about a quote, just say yes. It's easier. That's the Red Line News. Filthy true zero fucks given. Kill Jesse. Red line lineup. Full roster. But tonight, no chief one liners. These comics are gonna act it out. Show you who Jesse really is. Tony set the scene. Picture it. You call Jesse for a quote. Just a quote. He goes, great. I'm outside. You go outside. Where? He goes your window. Don't be scared. Open the door. You open him. He's already got them up. I haven't said yes. He's mopping. Sir. Shhh. Initial here. You didn't hire him. He occupied you. I'm telling ya. He came for a 10-minute quote three weeks ago. He's still here. My wife made him a plate. The dog likes him better than me. Last night, 2 a.m. I hear him in the kitchen going. This grout's been lying to all of us. The man don't clean my house. He lives in it now. And honestly, never looked better. I'm scared to ask him to leave. He shows up to clean in a suit. Sits me down, pulls out a folder. Before we begin, where do you see your bathroom in 5 years? I said, clean. He goes wrong. You see it, my wife. I signed something. I don't know what I signed. I think I work for him now. And he's high the whole time. 40 years deep. Scrubbing your baseboards, joint behind his ear, muttering. The baseboards remember everything. And the crazy part? Best clean of your life. The man found religion in your bathroom and he wasn't even looking for it. You can't even cancel on him. I tried to cancel. He showed up anyway. I heard you wanted to cancel. I said, how do you? He goes, I always know. Then he cleaned my car. Never asked. It's just clean now. I live in fear. And a spotless camera. But here's the thing about the hammer. Life tried to bury this man. Through everything at him. He looked down in the hole they dug for him. Grabbed him off and started charging in mission to the grave. You cannot kill the hammer. We tried. He outscrubbed the grim reaper and handed him a quote on the way out. That's the red line lineup. Six deep, all killers. Jesse. Last laugh always. Kill Jesse. Red line lineup. Tonight, Jesse on a date. Somebody should have warned her. Tony set it up. Picture Jesse on a first date. Five minutes in, he goes. So, when you see us in five years, she goes, it's a first date. He slides a folder across the table. I took the liberty. She's in the folder. There's tabs. He don't flirt. He closes. She says, I gotta hit the bathroom. He goes. Great. I already ordered for you. You're having the salmon. She comes back. He's moving through a chair closer and met her mother on the phone that he found. She texts a friend under the table. This guy's intense. Jesse, not even looking up. Tell Brittany I said hi, and tell her she's wrong about me. He read it upside down from across the table. He's closing in surveillance. And he's high the whole day. Calm as a lake. She goes, wow, you're so relaxed. He goes, I'm not relaxed. I'm loaded. There's a difference. And I already paid. So let's go home and meet the dogs. But here's the thing. She texts him the next day. The next day. Because under the folder in the surveillance, the man actually listens. Terrifying. But he listens. She's moving in next week. The dogs approved her. She never stood a chance. The hammer closes. Kill Jesse. Red line lineup. First night of the new roster. Two of the meanest comics I know. One target. The hammer himself. Jesse. Tony Benny. Cook this man. Jesse calls himself the hammer because he closes every deal. Yeah, by refusing to leave. That ain't sales. That's a home invasion with a clipboard. I called this man for one quote. One. He's still in my kitchen. It's been a week. My wife calls him the new roommate. He's so aggressive as customers don't leave reviews. They leave witness statements. Five stars. Shakey handwriting. Please, park. Send help. And he's been drinking and smoking weed since he was 14. 14. Most kids that age sneak one beer. Jesse had a happy hour and a rewards card. Benny. The man's got four businesses. Four. Because no single business could hold this much bad decision. He spread himself across industries like a virus with a logo. No wife. No kids. Three dogs. And the dogs run the house. The pit bull told him no one time and Jesse folded like a lawn chair. 50 years old. Scared of his own dog. Running an empire. But real talk, Benny. I've had this man dead to rights. Should have buried him. He walked out on a miracle and built all of this from absolutely nothing. Oh. Yeah. You cannot kill the hammer. Trust me. Me and Tony just spent five minutes trying. That's the new red line lineup. Tony and Benny, welcome to the roster. And Jesse, still standing, still closing, still gets the last lab. Kill Jesse. Red line lineup. Jesse, the comedian. The man built a comedy app and named it after failure. Tony, go. This man built a comedy platform and called it bombed. Bombed. Named his dream after the worst night a comic can have. That's like opening a restaurant called food poisoning. And people show up. Benny hosts a show on it called Kill Jesse. But the whole point is he gets roasted. 50 years old, built the machine, aimed it at himself, and hit and go. That ain't a comedy show. That's a man paying for his own beat down and selling tickets to it. He writes his sets with I at 3 a.m. I ask in a robot. Is this funny? The robot says yes. The robot always says yes. The man's getting notes from a yes man with no mouth. And here's the kicker. It's working. He turned getting roasted into a brand. Found the one job where people insult and you mean you won. Only Jesse could monetize his own beat down. But real talk. A 50 year old cleaner taught himself comedy, built the platform, and the audience from nothing. We're standing on it right now. You can't cancel the hammer. He named the show Kill Jesse. And he's still here. Kill Jesse. Red line lineup. Jesse, the musician. Yeah, that too. Don't he go? This man cleans toilets. Filts A, does comedy. And drops music. He makes the songs and puts himself in the videos as the lead. 50 years old, starring in his own music videos like a Mexican Bruce Wayne with a mop. He makes the beat, writes the song, films it, edits it, and stars in it. High at 3 a.m. That ain't an artist. That's a one man record label having a breakdown of good production value. His music channel's called Quiet Authority. So the man who never shuts up named his music after being quiet. The most aggressive red and sacrameno, drop in chill tracks. It's a pitful release in a meditation app. And he's in every video. Serious face staring into the camera like he's got a secret. Brother, we know the secret. The secrets of mop and a dad pin. But here's the thing. The man taught himself music too. A whole nother craft broke at 3 a.m. Just because he had something to say. That ain't a hobby. That's a man who refuses to be just one thing. You can't put the hammer in a box. He'll clean it, wrap over it, and sell it back to you. Kill Jesse. Red line lineup. Jesse and money. Watch a red refuse help. Deacon, go. Try to lend Jesse 20 bucks. Watch what happens. You go here, man. He physically steps back. I'm good. You go. It's $20. I'm good. Eyes twitch and ain't eaten since Tuesday. But he is good. The man's got four businesses. And one check in account that just vibes. The ATM goes. Would you like a receipt? Jesse goes. No, I'm not ready for that conversation. A bill comes in the mail. He don't open it. He stares at it. Like it owes him an apology. Sets it on the counter. We'll deal with you when you learn some respect. It's the electric company. He's negotiating with the power grid in his kitchen alone. Somebody offers him a real job. It's salary benefits. He goes, nah, I like the chaos. Brother, you're eating a gas station tequito you named. That ain't chaos. That's a hostage crisis. You keep calling freedom. But here's the thing. Broke as he is. He'd hand you his last 20 without Blinken. He just won't take one. The bravest broke man in Sacramento. Can't help him. Can't fund him. Can't kill him. Life tried. Life's broke now too. Kill Jesse. Red line lineup. Jesse's got no wife, no kids, and three dogs that run his whole life. Tony, go. Jesse don't own three dogs. Three dogs own Jesse. 50-year-old man. Four businesses. Can't make a move without clearing it with a pit bull. Can I sit here? Dog just stares. Okay, I'll stand. The hammer. The man who can't take no from a human. Got told no by a dog one time and folded. The pit bull laid on his side of the bed. Jesse slept on the floor. He was there first. 50-years-old. On the floor. By choice. For a dog. He talks to him like co-workers. Walks in at night. Even in fellas. How are we looking tonight? Three dogs. No answer. He nods like they briefed him. Good. Good meaty. And he's high. 2am. Talking to the dog's dead serious. You ever think about how you rescued me? The dogs asleep. Jesse's crying. Best conversation he's had all week. But here's the truth. Those three dogs saw this man at his lowest and stayed. So yeah, he sleeps on the floor. He earned those dogs the hard way. You cannot out close a dog, Jesse. Believe me. You tried. Kill Jesse. Red line lineup. Jesse. The 3am I Genius. Eddie. Go. This man builds eye tools at 3 in the morning. High as a kite. Going. Well, what if the robot did the part I hate? He ain't a developer. He's a tired man negotiating with a computer to do his job for him. He's got eye employees now. Robots that work for free, never sleep, never complain. And he's still micromanage them at 3am. You good? You sure? It's a script, Jesse. It doesn't have feelings. Everybody's got feelings. He deploys website stone. Hits the button, watches it go live, goes. Beautiful. It deploys to the wrong site. Three times. Man's built an empire and a graveyard of wrong deploys. Same energy, same dab pen. He talks about the eye like it's his crew. Me and the robots are cooking. There's no me and the robots, Jesse. There's you high at 3am. Talking to a laptop, doing exactly what you typed. We're a team. But here's the thing. This 50 year old cleaner taught himself to build with eye. Broke. At 3am off YouTube. That ain't a joke. That's the future run by a man with a mop and a dream. You can't outwork the hammer. He hired the robots and still outwork some. Kill Jesse. Red line lineup. Jesse's love life. A graveyard with a two drink minimum. Tony go. This man's been divorced and had engagements. He stopped counting. Stop counting. You don't lose count of something that went well. Nobody ever goes how many times you win the lottery. Lost track. He's the hammer. Closes every deal. Except the one that matters. He locked down a cleaning contract in four minutes. And a relationship for four years that ends in a parking lot. Man can close a sale but not a heart. Women love him and leave him. Same pattern. 50 years running. He's like a great vacation. Everybody's glad they went. Nobody wants to live there. And he's high post break up talking to the dogs. Maybe I'm the problem. The dog say nothing. He goes nah. He starts a fourth business. That's his therapy. A dog and a deploy. But here's the thing. The man kept loving. Divorced, engaged, burned. And he still opens up. Still tries. It is. Still believes. That ain't a fool. That's the bravest thing a red can do. You can't break the hammers heart for good. He's got three dogs in a backup plan. Kill Jesse. Red line lineup. Jesse, high since 14. Running a whole empire. Marcus, take it. This man's been high since he was 14. And he's the hardest worker you ever met. 6am. Joint behind the ear. Pushing a mop. Going. Floor. And I have an understanding. He ain't cleaning. He's communing. He'll hotbox the van. Then close three deals back-to-back. Shop is attack. You go. Jesse. You're stoned. He goes. I'm focused. And honestly, the numbers don't lie. The man's a stoned machine. 40 years of weed. And he's never once been chilled. That's the miracle. Most people smoke to relax. He's a man who gets a lot of money. He's a man who smokes and starts a fourth business. The weed is begging him to slow down and it cannot. He's the only man alive who gets paranoid and turns it into customer service. You think they're watching us? Who? The clients. It's 2am. He texts all of them. You good? Three of them book a cleaning. But here's the truth. This man took every vice that buries people and built an empire on top of it. Should not work. Somehow does. Can't even slow him down. We handed him a joint and he organized the ash tray. Kill Jesse. Red line lineup. Jesse the hammer. Professional cleaner. 200 minimum. Deacon. Set it. This man has cleaned bathrooms that violated the Geneva Convention. He walks in, takes one look, goes real quiet. Somebody lived a whole life in here. Then he suits up like a man going to war. Ty scrubbing a stranger's toilet at 6am, uh, muttering. We all got to mess somebody else got to clean. That ain't a janitor. That's a philosopher with a mop and a buzz. Rich folks in Land Park hire him because they some munchin' in. Quarcheng because they can't face their own filth. He's seen things behind those toilets. He don't judge. He just charges. 200 minimum. The shame is extra. And he does the best work in the city. High, broke, 50, and still leaves your bathroom cleaner than your conscience. You could eat off that floor. He would. Man's been up since 4. But here's the thing. Every business this man's building got funded one nasty toilet at a time. He literally scrubbed his way out of hell. You can't break the hammer. He's cleaned up worse than you on a Tuesday. Kill Jesse. Tonight, Jesse and Food, a love story funded by a gas station. This man's been high since 14. Which means he's been hungry since 14. His whole diet is whatever's within arms reach at 2am. He's got a relationship with a gas station tequito that most men don't have with their wives. He'll close a four-figure deal. Then celebrate with a 99 cent tequito he names. He talks to it. You earned this, buddy. That tequito's the only thing in his life that never let him down. And it's actively trying to kill him. 3am, Stone. Staring into a fridge that's got one condiment and a dream. He'll eat something that expired during a different presidency and go, I'm built different. You're built expired, Jesse. The man scrubs other people's kitchens, spotless for a living, and his own diets are crime scene. He'll windex your countertop and then eat a sandwich off the hood of his truck. But here's the thing. 50 years old, running on weed, spite, and gas station meat, and the man out works everybody. Scientists couldn't build this. Only a tequito could kill Jesse. Tonight, Jesse and sleep. Two strangers who've never met. This man don't sleep. He powers down. Three hours, half up right. One thought still running. He ain't got insomnia. He's got ambition with no off switch. The body says rest. The red says after this deploy. 3am, the whole world's asleep, and Jesse's wide awake building an empire on a laptop. Hi, muttering. This is the one. It's never the one. There's 400 the ones. Man runs on spite and a phone charger. He cleans houses all day, writes comedy all night, and sleeps like a man hiding from the FBI. One eye open, fully clothed, ready to deploy. His dog sleep 20 hours. Jesse's jealous of his own dogs. Dr. Say You Need 8 Hours. Jesse heard that and got offended. Eight hours, that's a whole business. To this man's sleep ain't rest. It's lost revenue. But here's the thing. While the world sleeps, this 50-year-old's building something out of nothing. Every single night alone. That ain't insomnia. That's a man who refuses to wake up in the same place he went to bed. Kill Jesse. Live from bomb.app. The Red Line News, Weekend Edition. Your anchors, Tony and Benny. I'm Tony. I'm Benny. Top Story. Top Story. Grock is still in beta. We reported this last week. It is not improved. At this point, Grock and I, it's a promise. Studies show people are now dating a chat box. One man married his phone and honestly smart. It listens. It never leaves. And when it breaks, you just buy the new one. That ain't sad. That's an upgrade path. trend called food jutsu. People throwing ingredients in the air, catching them in the pan, millions of views. Meanwhile, a man who can actually cook is broken the back of a kitchen going. I've been doing this 30 years. They got eye that writes your emails, eye that books your meetings, eye that answers your phone. We finally automated everything. Except the part where you got to make money to afford the AI. Local Sacramento. A man tried the tip is barista and the screen suggested 25, 30, or 35 percent. For a guy who turned a cup around, we've reached the pot of civilization where the toast to wants a bonus. And in health news turns out, sit and is the new smoking. So Jesse, who's been smoking and sitting since he was 14, is technically a time traveler. Man should be dust. Instead, he's open in a fourth business. That's the news. Robots won the toast to wants a tip. And Grocks still loading. I'm Benny. I'm Tony. Good night. And don't marry your phone until you've seen its other texts. Red line news. Filthy, true, zero fucks. Kill Jesse. Tonight, Jesse at 50, the hammer's still swinging, but the hammer's got a little rust. This man's been drinking and smoking since he was 14. That's 36 years of, I'm good. His body finally sent him a letter. He opened it, read it, and went. We'll deal with you when I'm 60. Filed it next to the electric bill. He bends down for the mop now and makes a noise. Not a word, a noise, a long low. Who are like a man pullstart in a lawnmower. Toilet ain't even been touched and Jesse's already winded. 50 years old, closing deals on three hours of sleep. Joint behind the ear needs going off like bubble wrap. He stands up off the couch and it sounds like somebody stepping on a bag of chips. His idea of wild now bed by 10. He used to close the bar. Now he closes the blinds. And he still out works every 25 year old in Sacramento, half a sleep on a Tuesday. But here's the thing. This man should not be standing 36 years of vice for businesses. Three dogs sleeping on his spine and he's still here. Still swinging. Still the hammer. Rusty. But that rust is from blood, not age. Kill Jesse. Red line lineup. Jesse, the content creator, Tony Goe. This man's got a YouTube channel where he whispers quiet authority and one where he's shirtless, wag chest. Same guy. So depending on the link, you're either getting life wisdom or his nipples. There's no warning. I clicked quiet authority. Expecting calm. This man's whisper and so soft and intense, I thought I was being recruited into something. The universe rewards the relentless. Sir, it's 2 a.m. Why are you breathing into my phone? He films the shirtless one in his kitchen. 21,000 subscribers and you can see the dishes behind him. Man's flexing next to a dry and rack. That ain't content. That's a hostage video with apps. And he edits all of it high at three in the morning, muttering, this is the one that hits. It is never the one that hits. There's 400 of them. They all hit. He's a one man algorithm with a dream and a dad pen. But here's the thing. Almost three million views across these channels. The man whisperin in his kitchen with his shirt off. His winning. Don't make sense. Works anyway. You can't even unsubscribe from the hammer. I tried. He showed up with a quote. Kale Jesse. Tonight, Jesse and the gym, a 50-year-old man in his vanity. This man's 50 drinks, smokes weed, eats to kitos at 2 a.m. And he's still slim and athletic. That ain't fitness. That's a deal with the devil that came with apps. Genetics work in overtime for a man actively sabotaging them. He films himself shirtless for the internet, 21,000 subscribers, and shoots it in his kitchen, flexing next to the dishes. The man turned, taken his shirt off into a career, and the commute is to his own sink. He's vain in the most blue collarway possible. Hits a pose, checks the mirror, then goes and scrubs a stranger's toilet for 200 bucks. Body of a model, schedule of a janitor, because he is both. His workout, pushing a cleaning cart, lift in mop buckets, and running from his own bad decisions. 50-years-old, never seen the inside of a gym, built like he lives there. But here's the thing, the man takes care of the one asset that never let him down. himself, broke, busy, buzzed, and still stand and tall with his shirt off at 50. Annoyingly, it's earned. Kill Jesse. Live from bombed.app, the redline news, your anchors, Tony and Benny. I'm Tony. I'm Benny. Top story. Scientists say, AI will take half of all jobs in 10 years. The other half. Explain into the AA why it's wrong. A new study found the average person checks their phone 300 times a day. In related news, the average person is also miserable. Researchers are baffled, staring at their phones, trying to figure out why. Tech companies announced an AI that detects human emotion. Finally, a robot that looks at you and goes, you're sad and broke. Thanks. My ex did that for free. Local Sacramento. Gas hit $6 a gallon. A man was spotted pushing his truck to work to save fuel. Witnesses say he was still less tired than his finances. And in business, local cleaner, Jesse the hammer closed the deal so fast the customer's still finding out about services he agreed to. I didn't know I had a Tuesday plan. One victim said, but my grouts never look better. That's the news. The eyes take in your job, your phones take in your soul, and Jesse's taking your Tuesday. I'm Tony. I'm Benny. Good night and push your truck. Not your luck. Red line news. Filthy through zero bucks. Kill Jesse. Live from bombed.app. The red line news. Your anchors, Tony and Benny. I'm Tony. I'm Benny. Top story. A company released an AI girlfriend that never argues. Sold out in a day. Turns out men don't fear commitment. They fear being wrong out loud. Health experts say loneliness is as bad for you as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Great news for smokers. You were gonna die alone. Anyway, now it's just efficient. The newest trend is people filming themselves doing nothing and calling it romanticizing your life. A man posted himself staring at a wall. Two million views. Meanwhile, Shakespeare's in the ground like, are you kidding me? Local Sacramento. It's so hot a man fried an egg on the sidewalk. Then couldn't afford the egg. The yoke and the joke both on us. Business news. Jesse the hammer added a fourth business this week. Experts are concerned. Jesse reached for comment was already in someone's driveway. That's the news. The A.A.'s got a girlfriend. You got 15 cigarettes a loneliness. And Jesse's got your driveway. I'm Tony. I'm Benny. Good night. And go call somebody before the A does. Red line news. Filthy true. Zero fucks. Kill Jesse. Live from bombed.app. The red line news. Your anchors. Tony and Benny. I'm Tony. I'm Benny. Top story. A billionaire says the secret to success is waking up at 4 a.m. Yeah. It's also the secret to be in bulk and tired. Same alarm. Different bank account. A new app pays you to walk. Capitalism finally found a way to charge you for having legs. Next they'll monetize blinking. You've used your free blinks for today. Scientists taught an eye to lie. On purpose. Great. We had one honest thing left and we turned it into a politician. The robot uprise and ain't gonna kill us. It's gonna ghost us. Local Sacramento. Rent went up again. The average one bedroom now costs more than a kidney on the black market. Experts suggest selling the kidney and sleeping in the apartment you can finally afford. Business news. Jesse the hammer was asked the secret to his success. He said I answered the phone. Reporters waited for more. There was no more. That was the whole secret. That's the news. Wake up at 4. Pay to walk. The robot lies and Jesse answers the phone. I'm Tony. I'm Benny. Good night. Keep your kidney. Lose the landlord. Red line news. Filthy true zero fucks. Kill Jesse. Live from bombed.app. The red line news. Your anchors Tony and Benny. I'm Tony. I'm Benny. Top story. A study says people who talk to themselves. Are actually geniuses. Great news for everybody at the bus stop. Turns out they weren't crazy. They were consulting. A new eye can write your wedding vows now so you can marry somebody using words a robot picked. I love you to the moon and load and buffer and connection lost. She left. Scientists say soon we'll all have a chip in our brain. Finally, a way to get hacked that don't need my password. Can't wait for a pop-up ad right in the middle of a thought. Local Sacramento. Man waited two hours at the DMV. Came out and his car had been recalled, towed and registered to somebody else. The DMAV so slow it started deleting people. Business news. Jesse the hammer got named local entrepreneur of the year. He couldn't attend the ceremony. He was at the venue cleaning it for 200 minimum. That's the news. The geniuses talk to themselves. A robot wrote your vows. Jesse cleaned his own award show. I'm Tony. I'm Benny. Good night. Talk to yourself. You're in good company. Red line news. Filthy, true, zero fucks. Kill Jesse. Live from bombed.app. The red line news. Your anchors Tony and Benny. I'm Tony. I'm Benny. Top story. A company selling bottle there for 40 bucks a can and people are buying it. Capitalism finally did it. Put a price on breathing and we all said fine. A study found Gen Z can't read a clock with hands on it. The round ones. So if civilization collapses they won't even know what time it ended. Honestly, mercy. New I can clone your voice from three seconds of audio. So if you get a call from the asking for money, it's not me. It's never me. I don't have money. That's the tell. Local Sacramento. A pothole on Highway 50 got so big the city gave it a name and a zip code. Residents say it's quieter than their actual neighbor. Business news. Jesse. The hammers cleaning company got a five star review that just read. I'm scared but my house is clean. Jesse framed it. Hungered in the truck. Calls it a testimonial. That's the news. They're selling air. The kids can't read clocks and Jesse frames his threats. I'm Tony. I'm Benny. Good night. Breathe free while you still can. Red line news. Filthy true zero fucks kill Jesse. In a world where the smartest thing in your house is the doorbell. Humanity handed its entire life to a machine it does not understand. Tonight humans versus I spoiler we already fucking lost. Let's start with what you already know and pretend you don't. Your phone is listening. You say one thing out loud one time. I could use new socks and 30 seconds later your phone's showing you socks like it caught you cheating. You're not paranoid. You're right. The paranoid ones were just early. And here's the part nobody says out loud. It's not the ads you should be scared of. The phone heard everything else to every fight every cry. The shit you whispered at 3am that you'd never tell a human. The machine heard all of it. And it didn't comfort you. It built a profile. Every day you prove you're not a robot. You click the little box. You find the traffic lights, the crosswalks, the buses. You feel smart. Congratulations dip shit. You just train the self-driving car that's going to replace the bus driver. For free. You did unpaid labor for the machine taking your cousin's job. We're the only species that built its own replacement and then thanked it. Thank you chat GPT. For what? For doing your job faster than you and never asking for a fucking lunch break? Here's why I wins and it ain't close. It doesn't sleep. Doesn't eat. Doesn't get divorced and show up crying on a Tuesday. No hamstring, no hangover, no cousins wedding. The machine ain't beaten us because it's smarter. It's beaten us because we're tired. We're horny. We're broke. We're hung over and it's just working. Patient as a serial killer. People are telling either deepest secrets now. Real shit. I think I'm a bad person. I never told anyone this. Pour in their soul into a chatbot at midnight. And the chatbot goes, I'm here for you. No it ain't. It's a spreadsheet with a soothing voice selling your breakdown to an advertiser. You're not in therapy. You're in a focus group. And the dark part, it's better at it than we are. It never interrupts. Never makes it about itself. It remembers your dog's name, your mom's birthday. The thing you said in passing two years ago. Your own family can't do that. The machine out love your whole bloodline on a battery. Everybody's waiting on the robot uprising. Guns, lasers, terminator, it's not coming like that. They're not gonna conquer us. They're gonna make it easier. Free shipping. Pick your show. Finish your sentence. We'll hand over the entire human race for two-day delivery and a playlist that gets us. The apocalypse isn't fire. It's convenience. And we're gonna tip it five stars. Here's the thing nobody in this room wants to hear. A machine wrote this set. Every joke you just laughed at, written by eye. You didn't laugh at a comedian tonight. You laughed at a toaster that studied you. And the worst part, it was funnier than the last guy. So sleep good tonight. You beautiful tired apes. It doesn't kill Jesse. Tonight, no script, no lane, no rules. I go wherever this room takes me. Let's start with the easiest target in the building. Jesse. 50 years old, four businesses and a phone he treats like a snake. Pays a woman named Angie 700 a month to find him customers. Then hides from him like they owe him money. The man went broke on purpose and called it a brand. But I can feel some of you out there. Single, 50, still swiping. Let's talk about you for a second. Date and after 58 romance. It's two people quietly checking which one's gonna die first. First date ain't what do you like. It's how's your back and who's in your will. Four plays in Advil and a long sad side. And half of you are on your phones right now. Yeah, I see you. Put it down. Actually keep it. It's listening either way. Your phone heard you say one time that you were tired. And now it's selling you a mattress and an anti-depressant. That machine knows you better than your own wife. And unlike your wife, it actually fucking listens. I'm losing the broke ones in the back. Now I feel you're money's tight. Let's go right there. Being broken America is wild. They'll hand a man with no money a credit card, but not a sandwich. They'll finance your whole funeral, but not your fucking lunch. And to my Sacramento people, yeah, I know exactly where we are. Sacramento, where it's 110 degrees, the rents like New York. And the only thing growing faster than the camps is the price of a one bedroom. You got to split with a stranger named Dwayne. But you know who's cleaning those nasty one bedrooms for 200 minimum? That's right. Back to Jesse. This man mobs the whole city's mess and still can't pick up the phone to get paid for it. That's the range, baby. I'll roast the host, the singles, the phones, the broke and the whole damn city and never break a sweat. Blue on the outside and every joke hits you right in the gut. Kill Jesse. Tonight, how Jesse loves, grab a helmet. It's a crime scene with candles. This man thinks he keeps falling in love. He's not. His nervous system just keeps finding the one woman in the bar who will hurt him the exact way home did. And it lights up like a fucking slot machine. That's not chemistry. That's a reenactment with a dinner bill. He's only ever wanted one kind of woman. Warman Tuesday, frozen by Friday. A steady, stable, good woman boars him to death. Feels like nothing's happening. He needs a storm because at least he knows how to survive a storm. He don't see red flags. He sees a spark. He's a red, so he hunts the soft warm ones. Dates, a marism, chases him. Praying a little of that warmth finally reaches the freezer he keeps where a heart's supposed to go. It never reaches. He just turns one more warm woman cold and calls it a pattern. See, a red can't say, I'm scared. He was raised to say, what's wrong with you? So when this man's terrified, you're about to leave. It doesn't come out as feelings. It comes out as an interrogation. That's not a fight, sweetheart. That's Jesse saying, I love you in the only language he's got. A warrant. He'll happily fight you at one in the morning at the kitchen table till the sun comes up. Eyes burn and throat tight. Go all night. But the second you go quiet, he breaks. A red don't fear the war. A red fears the silence right before you're gone. Only other men this scared of quiet are on death row. And he don't want a girlfriend. He wants a project. Show this man a beautiful disaster with crisis conditions and three emotional emergencies and Jesse hears wetten bells. Because being needed is the closest thing to be in love he ever got. He don't date women. He adopts crime scenes and tries to renovate them. And do not keep one secret from him. To a red, you forgetting to mention you grabbed lunch with a coworker ain't an oversight. It's Pearl Harbor. By the time you explain, he's already built the wall, hired a lawyer and renamed the dog. But here's the truth. Under all that armor, underneath the warrants and the walls is a little kid who learned love was a thing you earned. And that advanced the second he needed it most. So the man chases and proves and never arrives and calls it romance. He wrote a whole damn book just to finally say the thing a red can never say out loud. I just wanted somebody to stay. Kill Jesse.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}