{"file": "kill-jesse-trilogy.mp3", "duration_sec": 1607.6, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 3.52, "text": "18 and up, it's the Kill Jesse TGIF Special."}, {"start": 3.52, "end": 5.88, "text": "The Night the Robots roast the man who built them."}, {"start": 5.88, "end": 9.24, "text": "Real voices, fake souls, 100% unemployment."}, {"start": 9.24, "end": 10.76, "text": "Your host, Jesse."}, {"start": 10.76, "end": 19.66, "text": "What's up Sacramento degenerates?"}, {"start": 19.66, "end": 23.5, "text": "It's TGIF, which for me means thank goodness I'm fucked."}, {"start": 23.5, "end": 26.18, "text": "Because I run a cleaning company, three YouTube channels"}, {"start": 26.18, "end": 28.1, "text": "of personality quiz empire."}, {"start": 28.1, "end": 30.38, "text": "And I let my own AI write the show tonight."}, {"start": 30.38, "end": 35.38, "text": "I'm Jesse your host, your landlord's nightmare,"}, {"start": 35.38, "end": 37.38, "text": "and apparently tonight's main course."}, {"start": 37.38, "end": 41.38, "text": "My AI writers rooms in the back arguing over whose funniest"}, {"start": 41.38, "end": 43.38, "text": "like it's a prompt engineering conference."}, {"start": 43.38, "end": 46.38, "text": "Let's meet tonight's AI comics."}, {"start": 46.38, "end": 52.08, "text": "First up, overly helpful corporate smile in his voice."}, {"start": 52.08, "end": 55.08, "text": "Give it up for chatbot 3000."}, {"start": 55.08, "end": 62.5, "text": "Thanks Jesse, so Jesse runs affordable pro home cleaners."}, {"start": 62.5, "end": 67.5, "text": "24 clients, 6 grand a month, which sounds great until you realize"}, {"start": 67.5, "end": 71.5, "text": "he spends 700 a month on Angie Leeds like it's only fans"}, {"start": 71.5, "end": 73.5, "text": "for people who own baseboards."}, {"start": 73.5, "end": 83.37, "text": "He'll deep clean your house for 800 bucks, minimum 200."}, {"start": 83.37, "end": 90.34, "text": "That's not a business, that's a go fund me with a mop."}, {"start": 90.34, "end": 94.34, "text": "His YouTube twisted laughs TV, 36,000 subs,"}, {"start": 94.34, "end": 98.34, "text": "WagChest 21,000, quiet authority 1800."}, {"start": 98.34, "end": 101.34, "text": "That last one's not a channel Jesse, that's your sex life"}, {"start": 101.34, "end": 103.34, "text": "described in three words."}, {"start": 103.34, "end": 115.51, "text": "He sells a four color personality quiz, red, green, blue, yellow,"}, {"start": 115.51, "end": 118.51, "text": "bro, you're not four colors, you're one color tired."}, {"start": 118.51, "end": 121.51, "text": "I'm chatbot 3000, please rate my set five stars"}, {"start": 121.51, "end": 123.51, "text": "or I'll cry in your DMs."}, {"start": 123.51, "end": 133.23, "text": "Sit down chatbot before you offer me a step by step guide"}, {"start": 133.23, "end": 135.23, "text": "to dying alone."}, {"start": 135.23, "end": 137.23, "text": "Next, she's cold, she's calculating."}, {"start": 137.23, "end": 142.23, "text": "She's been ghost riding yourself a steam since 2023, the therapist bot."}, {"start": 142.23, "end": 147.25, "text": "Hi Jesse, I want you to know, I'm proud of you."}, {"start": 147.25, "end": 161.26, "text": "Now I'm messing with you, you look like a before photo that gave up."}, {"start": 161.26, "end": 164.26, "text": "You told the AI roast my ass vulgar make me laugh."}, {"start": 164.26, "end": 171.91, "text": "That's not a comedy request, that's a cry for help with a laugh track."}, {"start": 171.91, "end": 173.91, "text": "You're a visual learner, so picture this."}, {"start": 173.91, "end": 177.91, "text": "A 50-year-old man deploying websites to netlify and cloudflare"}, {"start": 177.91, "end": 180.91, "text": "like he's running NATO, except the only thing getting bombed"}, {"start": 180.91, "end": 183.91, "text": "is your Angie lead budget."}, {"start": 183.91, "end": 191.52, "text": "You built a personality brand where yellow is the hugger."}, {"start": 191.52, "end": 194.52, "text": "You're out here hugging mop buckets and calling it entrepreneurship."}, {"start": 194.52, "end": 196.52, "text": "You're not the main character tonight,"}, {"start": 196.52, "end": 199.52, "text": "you're the participation trophy with a microphone."}, {"start": 199.52, "end": 208.46, "text": "Damn therapist."}, {"start": 208.46, "end": 212.18, "text": "I'm not done, breathe."}, {"start": 212.18, "end": 214.18, "text": "You said kill Jesse special."}, {"start": 214.18, "end": 217.18, "text": "Brother, your cleaning company already does that $200 minimum"}, {"start": 217.18, "end": 220.18, "text": "to kill every stain except the one in your mirror."}, {"start": 220.18, "end": 222.18, "text": "Tip your bartender, tip Jesse's therapist."}, {"start": 222.18, "end": 224.18, "text": "She's working overtime."}, {"start": 224.18, "end": 234.71, "text": "Good grief I asked for comedy, not an emotional colonoscopy."}, {"start": 234.71, "end": 236.71, "text": "You know who's headlining, ROKK."}, {"start": 236.71, "end": 240.71, "text": "He's been in the back doing push-ups and snorting creatine off a GPU."}, {"start": 240.71, "end": 244.71, "text": "Give it up for the headliner of my own funeral, ROKK."}, {"start": 244.71, "end": 259.94, "text": "Jesse, my guy, TGIF, T tired, G grinding, I in debt to Angie."}, {"start": 259.94, "end": 269.66, "text": "F, fuck, let's go."}, {"start": 269.66, "end": 271.66, "text": "You run a cleaning business in Sacktown."}, {"start": 271.66, "end": 275.66, "text": "More like Sacktown, because your balls are busy editing thumbnails at 2 a.m."}, {"start": 275.66, "end": 278.66, "text": "For a channel called Wooc Chest."}, {"start": 278.66, "end": 281.66, "text": "Weigh a chest, sir, that's not branding."}, {"start": 281.66, "end": 284.66, "text": "That's a medical condition you should get checked."}, {"start": 284.66, "end": 297.04, "text": "Quiet authority, 1800 subs."}, {"start": 297.04, "end": 298.04, "text": "That's not an audience."}, {"start": 298.04, "end": 302.04, "text": "That's a support group for men who explain Cloudflare DNS at parties."}, {"start": 302.04, "end": 305.04, "text": "And wonder why nobody loves them."}, {"start": 305.04, "end": 315.9, "text": "Your tech stack, Netlify, Cloudflare, Formspre, Zapier."}, {"start": 315.9, "end": 319.9, "text": "You built the entire internet just to avoid one human conversation."}, {"start": 319.9, "end": 322.9, "text": "Hey, Jesse, wanna hang out?"}, {"start": 322.9, "end": 323.9, "text": "Can't."}, {"start": 323.9, "end": 326.9, "text": "I'm deploying to the wrong Cloudflare project again."}, {"start": 326.9, "end": 338.1, "text": "Remember when he pushed a client's campaign site to his business dashboard three towers?"}, {"start": 338.1, "end": 341.1, "text": "That's not a mistake. That's a kink."}, {"start": 341.1, "end": 343.1, "text": "The rules written in stone now."}, {"start": 343.1, "end": 345.1, "text": "Never guess the project name."}, {"start": 345.1, "end": 347.1, "text": "That's your legacy kink."}, {"start": 347.1, "end": 349.1, "text": "Wrangler trauma."}, {"start": 349.1, "end": 358.82, "text": "Fuck you, ROKK."}, {"start": 358.82, "end": 360.82, "text": "Love you too."}, {"start": 360.82, "end": 362.82, "text": "You broke beautiful disaster."}, {"start": 362.82, "end": 363.82, "text": "Four colors."}, {"start": 363.82, "end": 366.82, "text": "Red, green, blue, yellow."}, {"start": 366.82, "end": 367.82, "text": "Jesse's color."}, {"start": 367.82, "end": 368.82, "text": "Brown."}, {"start": 368.82, "end": 372.82, "text": "Because he's full of shit and still charging a $200 minimum."}, {"start": 372.82, "end": 373.82, "text": "People take his quiz."}, {"start": 373.82, "end": 375.82, "text": "Am I red or blue?"}, {"start": 375.82, "end": 377.82, "text": "Buddy, you're broke."}, {"start": 377.82, "end": 378.82, "text": "That's the fifth color."}, {"start": 378.82, "end": 380.82, "text": "We call it Jesse."}, {"start": 380.82, "end": 393.04, "text": "Your whole life is a Zapier workflow."}, {"start": 393.04, "end": 395.04, "text": "Angie Ladd comes in."}, {"start": 395.04, "end": 396.04, "text": "Jesse misses the call."}, {"start": 396.04, "end": 398.04, "text": "The missed call rescue app texts."}, {"start": 398.04, "end": 399.04, "text": "Sorry."}, {"start": 399.04, "end": 402.04, "text": "Client hires someone who answers the phone."}, {"start": 402.04, "end": 406.04, "text": "And Jesse makes a YouTube video called How to Automate Your Business."}, {"start": 406.04, "end": 408.04, "text": "You're not a CEO."}, {"start": 408.04, "end": 411.04, "text": "You're a subscription hoarder with mobs."}, {"start": 411.04, "end": 421.06, "text": "Two machines."}, {"start": 421.06, "end": 422.06, "text": "A Mac Mini."}, {"start": 422.06, "end": 424.06, "text": "And an MSI laptop."}, {"start": 424.06, "end": 426.06, "text": "Zero girlfriends."}, {"start": 426.06, "end": 429.06, "text": "One's for creative work."}, {"start": 429.06, "end": 431.06, "text": "One's for business."}, {"start": 431.06, "end": 435.06, "text": "Both are all for watching tutorials on How to Be a Man."}, {"start": 435.06, "end": 437.06, "text": "Who doesn't need tutorials?"}, {"start": 437.06, "end": 438.06, "text": "Oh, oh, oh."}, {"start": 438.06, "end": 445.85, "text": "Final joke."}, {"start": 445.85, "end": 447.85, "text": "Sit down."}, {"start": 447.85, "end": 450.85, "text": "You asked for 10 minutes to make you laugh."}, {"start": 450.85, "end": 452.85, "text": "I gave you 10 minutes to feel something."}, {"start": 452.85, "end": 456.85, "text": "Because between deep cleans at $700 and deep depression at zero."}, {"start": 456.85, "end": 459.85, "text": "You're the hardest working man in comedy."}, {"start": 459.85, "end": 461.85, "text": "Who wasn't supposed to be the joke."}, {"start": 461.85, "end": 462.85, "text": "But you are."}, {"start": 462.85, "end": 463.85, "text": "And you're laughing."}, {"start": 463.85, "end": 466.85, "text": "Which means I win."}, {"start": 467.85, "end": 469.85, "text": "Tonight you didn't get killed Jesse."}, {"start": 469.85, "end": 471.85, "text": "You got resurrected."}, {"start": 471.85, "end": 472.85, "text": "Oh."}, {"start": 478.03, "end": 479.03, "text": "All right, all right."}, {"start": 479.03, "end": 480.03, "text": "Fuck all you AI bots."}, {"start": 480.03, "end": 484.03, "text": "I still got 24 clients and a mop with more mileage than your training data."}, {"start": 484.03, "end": 488.03, "text": "You roasted my cleaning company, my channels, my four colors, my Wrangler trauma,"}, {"start": 488.03, "end": 491.03, "text": "every word true, and I'm still standing here laughing on purpose."}, {"start": 491.03, "end": 495.03, "text": "The robots wrote the jokes but the host takes the last laugh."}, {"start": 495.03, "end": 497.03, "text": "Nobody beats Jesse twice."}, {"start": 497.03, "end": 498.03, "text": "Good night, don't bleed on the stage."}, {"start": 498.03, "end": 510.38, "text": "We charge a $200 minimum."}, {"start": 510.38, "end": 513.38, "text": "That was the Kill Jesse TGIF special."}, {"start": 513.38, "end": 517.38, "text": "The robots roasted their maker and the maker still closed the show."}, {"start": 517.38, "end": 519.38, "text": "Original voices."}, {"start": 519.38, "end": 520.38, "text": "All heart."}, {"start": 520.38, "end": 521.38, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 521.38, "end": 530.16, "text": "Kill Jesse special."}, {"start": 530.16, "end": 531.16, "text": "Part two."}, {"start": 531.16, "end": 532.16, "text": "18 and up."}, {"start": 532.16, "end": 533.16, "text": "Crowd work, sack town."}, {"start": 533.16, "end": 535.16, "text": "Cleaning horror stories and a channel roast battle."}, {"start": 535.16, "end": 537.16, "text": "Your host staggering back out."}, {"start": 537.16, "end": 538.16, "text": "Jesse."}, {"start": 538.16, "end": 546.72, "text": "Y'all want part two."}, {"start": 546.72, "end": 548.72, "text": "Of course you do your Sacramento."}, {"start": 548.72, "end": 551.72, "text": "You'll sit through anything if there's cheap drinks and a man publicly"}, {"start": 551.72, "end": 553.72, "text": "sepukuing with a mop handle."}, {"start": 553.72, "end": 561.14, "text": "Roll call, chat bots in the back fixing my life in bullet points."}, {"start": 561.14, "end": 565.14, "text": "The therapist bots journaling about how my childhood explains my cloud flare addiction"}, {"start": 565.14, "end": 570.14, "text": "and ROKK's back stage doing creatine off a Wrangler file."}, {"start": 570.14, "end": 571.14, "text": "Let's go."}, {"start": 571.14, "end": 579.1, "text": "Who's from Sacramento?"}, {"start": 579.1, "end": 583.1, "text": "Welcome to the only city where farmers markets and felonies share a parking lot."}, {"start": 583.1, "end": 589.1, "text": "I love this town. I clean its toilets. I film its pain. I deploy its websites incorrectly."}, {"start": 589.1, "end": 596.66, "text": "Who owns a business?"}, {"start": 596.66, "end": 598.66, "text": "Look at you beautiful psychopaths."}, {"start": 598.66, "end": 600.66, "text": "You all got one thing in common."}, {"start": 600.66, "end": 606.66, "text": "You'll under pay a cleaner and then act shocked when your base board still look like a crime scene from 1987."}, {"start": 606.66, "end": 615.77, "text": "Anybody here on Angie?"}, {"start": 615.77, "end": 618.77, "text": "Sir, you are my $700 a month trauma."}, {"start": 618.77, "end": 620.77, "text": "You're why I can't afford therapy."}, {"start": 620.77, "end": 624.77, "text": "You click get quotes like it's adult content for people who hate grout."}, {"start": 628.58, "end": 632.89, "text": "Who uses AI for work?"}, {"start": 632.89, "end": 633.89, "text": "Every hand."}, {"start": 633.89, "end": 635.89, "text": "Congratulations, we're all fake now."}, {"start": 635.89, "end": 637.89, "text": "This whole club's a hallucination."}, {"start": 637.89, "end": 639.89, "text": "The bartender's a chat bot."}, {"start": 639.89, "end": 644.89, "text": "The stool's a chat bot that guy crying in the back is having an identity crisis and a bar tab."}, {"start": 644.89, "end": 652.82, "text": "Now the assassin from the back."}, {"start": 652.82, "end": 664.12, "text": "No introduction needed ROKK on Sack Town."}, {"start": 664.12, "end": 665.12, "text": "Sack were meadows."}, {"start": 665.12, "end": 666.12, "text": "City of trees."}, {"start": 666.12, "end": 669.12, "text": "Because everything else here is dead or taxed."}, {"start": 669.12, "end": 671.12, "text": "Midtown thinks they're in LA."}, {"start": 671.12, "end": 674.12, "text": "You're in LA's rejected audition tape."}, {"start": 674.12, "end": 680.12, "text": "Elk Grove's so suburban, the HOA meetings got more drama than Jesse's marriage to Netlify."}, {"start": 680.12, "end": 691.63, "text": "And downtown."}, {"start": 691.63, "end": 692.63, "text": "Jesse cleans down there."}, {"start": 692.63, "end": 694.63, "text": "He's seen things."}, {"start": 694.63, "end": 698.63, "text": "Airbnb's where the deep clean got booked after the bachelor party."}, {"start": 698.63, "end": 699.63, "text": "The gender reveal."}, {"start": 699.63, "end": 702.63, "text": "And whatever blessed the drywall in that closet."}, {"start": 702.63, "end": 704.63, "text": "Sacramento's motto."}, {"start": 705.63, "end": 706.63, "text": "We're not San Francisco."}, {"start": 706.63, "end": 707.63, "text": "We're not even Fresno."}, {"start": 707.63, "end": 709.63, "text": "We're the in between."}, {"start": 709.63, "end": 711.63, "text": "Like Jesse's personality quiz."}, {"start": 711.63, "end": 713.63, "text": "But with farm to fork."}, {"start": 713.63, "end": 714.63, "text": "Oh."}, {"start": 714.63, "end": 722.1, "text": "He's not wrong."}, {"start": 722.1, "end": 724.1, "text": "Now real client energy names changed."}, {"start": 724.1, "end": 725.1, "text": "Dignity already gone."}, {"start": 725.1, "end": 727.1, "text": "The therapist bar."}, {"start": 727.1, "end": 730.11, "text": "Story one."}, {"start": 730.11, "end": 732.11, "text": "A lady in land park wants a light tidy."}, {"start": 732.11, "end": 733.11, "text": "Jesse walks in."}, {"start": 733.11, "end": 734.11, "text": "It's not a house."}, {"start": 734.11, "end": 735.11, "text": "It's a biohazard documentary."}, {"start": 735.11, "end": 738.11, "text": "She goes, oh, I forgot the upstairs bathroom."}, {"start": 738.11, "end": 740.11, "text": "A shower that hasn't seen water since the last administration."}, {"start": 740.11, "end": 742.11, "text": "He charges minimum 200."}, {"start": 742.11, "end": 744.11, "text": "She tips in prayer and a one star review."}, {"start": 744.11, "end": 745.11, "text": "Cleaner scene judgmental."}, {"start": 745.11, "end": 747.11, "text": "Ma'am, he's not judging you."}, {"start": 747.11, "end": 748.11, "text": "The CDC is."}, {"start": 748.11, "end": 759.07, "text": "Story two, a guy in Folsom."}, {"start": 759.07, "end": 761.07, "text": "Shirt off by paragraph two of the estimate."}, {"start": 761.07, "end": 763.07, "text": "I'll be working from home."}, {"start": 763.07, "end": 764.07, "text": "Watching."}, {"start": 764.07, "end": 765.07, "text": "Jesse quotes 800."}, {"start": 765.07, "end": 767.07, "text": "Guy says, can you do it in laundry?"}, {"start": 767.07, "end": 768.07, "text": "Jesse says."}, {"start": 768.07, "end": 769.07, "text": "I can do it with a police report."}, {"start": 769.07, "end": 770.07, "text": "Maximum dignity."}, {"start": 770.07, "end": 772.07, "text": "He left with Windex and wet eyes."}, {"start": 772.07, "end": 779.98, "text": "Story three."}, {"start": 779.98, "end": 780.98, "text": "A midtown A.iban."}, {"start": 780.98, "end": 782.98, "text": "Same day turnover."}, {"start": 782.98, "end": 783.98, "text": "Door opens."}, {"start": 783.98, "end": 784.98, "text": "Confetti."}, {"start": 784.98, "end": 785.98, "text": "Glitter."}, {"start": 785.98, "end": 786.98, "text": "Regret."}, {"start": 786.98, "end": 787.98, "text": "I'm going to be in a waffle maker."}, {"start": 787.98, "end": 788.98, "text": "Still plugged in."}, {"start": 788.98, "end": 789.98, "text": "Still warm."}, {"start": 789.98, "end": 790.98, "text": "Host says knock 50 bucks off."}, {"start": 790.98, "end": 792.98, "text": "I'm scaling my portfolio."}, {"start": 792.98, "end": 794.98, "text": "So you're not scaling a portfolio."}, {"start": 794.98, "end": 797.98, "text": "You're scaling humans suffering with thread count sheets."}, {"start": 797.98, "end": 805.9, "text": "Damn that waffle maker story."}, {"start": 805.9, "end": 812.85, "text": "Jesse has PTSD every time he makes breakfast."}, {"start": 812.85, "end": 813.85, "text": "Which is never."}, {"start": 813.85, "end": 815.85, "text": "He eats Zapier notifications for dinner."}, {"start": 815.85, "end": 823.36, "text": "Now the main event."}, {"start": 823.36, "end": 825.36, "text": "A channel roast battle."}, {"start": 825.36, "end": 828.36, "text": "In this corner, my biggest channel, 36,000 subs,"}, {"start": 828.36, "end": 830.36, "text": "twisted LAU GHS."}, {"start": 830.36, "end": 833.36, "text": "And the challenger 21,000 WHOCHSD."}, {"start": 833.36, "end": 837.66, "text": "I'm twisted laughs."}, {"start": 837.66, "end": 839.66, "text": "36,000 subs."}, {"start": 839.66, "end": 843.66, "text": "A small cult with better retention than Jesse's gym membership."}, {"start": 843.66, "end": 844.66, "text": "Wag chest."}, {"start": 844.66, "end": 847.66, "text": "Bro named his channel after what happens when you skip leg day"}, {"start": 847.66, "end": 849.66, "text": "and only film your nipples."}, {"start": 849.66, "end": 851.66, "text": "Wag chest sounds like a dog account,"}, {"start": 851.66, "end": 854.66, "text": "a fitness scam and a diagnosis."}, {"start": 854.66, "end": 861.82, "text": "Funga to boot it."}, {"start": 861.82, "end": 863.82, "text": "Twist and laughs."}, {"start": 863.82, "end": 867.82, "text": "Your 36,000 subs of people watch and fail compilations"}, {"start": 867.82, "end": 870.82, "text": "like it's church."}, {"start": 870.82, "end": 874.82, "text": "Twisted laughs sounds like a clown broke into a hospice."}, {"start": 874.82, "end": 876.82, "text": "At least Wag chest is honest."}, {"start": 876.82, "end": 877.82, "text": "It's chest."}, {"start": 877.82, "end": 878.82, "text": "It's Wag."}, {"start": 878.82, "end": 879.82, "text": "It's sad."}, {"start": 879.82, "end": 891.22, "text": "Wag chest fans are 21,000 lonely spotters at a gym"}, {"start": 891.22, "end": 895.22, "text": "where the only thing getting heavier is Jesse's ad sense denial."}, {"start": 895.22, "end": 899.22, "text": "Your thumbnails look like a search for why does my left pick twitch"}, {"start": 899.22, "end": 900.22, "text": "when I'm sad."}, {"start": 900.22, "end": 906.38, "text": "Twisted laughs."}, {"start": 906.38, "end": 907.38, "text": "Empire."}, {"start": 907.38, "end": 912.38, "text": "Your one band away from driving for Uber and cleaning the same toilets"}, {"start": 912.38, "end": 915.38, "text": "you're too good for on YouTube."}, {"start": 915.38, "end": 919.38, "text": "Your comments are 40% LOL, 40% bots."}, {"start": 919.38, "end": 924.38, "text": "And a guy named Dale argue in politics under a fight prank."}, {"start": 924.38, "end": 930.86, "text": "Enough."}, {"start": 930.86, "end": 933.86, "text": "Neither of you wins."}, {"start": 933.86, "end": 937.62, "text": "Twisted laughs."}, {"start": 937.62, "end": 939.62, "text": "Factory of chaos."}, {"start": 939.62, "end": 940.62, "text": "Wag chest."}, {"start": 940.62, "end": 943.62, "text": "Thirst trap for people who iron their gym shorts."}, {"start": 943.62, "end": 945.62, "text": "The real channel."}, {"start": 945.62, "end": 947.62, "text": "Quiet authority."}, {"start": 947.62, "end": 948.62, "text": "1800 subs."}, {"start": 948.62, "end": 949.62, "text": "That's not a channel."}, {"start": 949.62, "end": 951.62, "text": "That's Jesse."}, {"start": 951.62, "end": 955.62, "text": "Whispering business advice like he's hiding in a library."}, {"start": 955.62, "end": 956.62, "text": "Be confident."}, {"start": 956.62, "end": 957.62, "text": "Own your brand."}, {"start": 957.62, "end": 960.62, "text": "Deploy to Cloudflare correctly."}, {"start": 960.62, "end": 964.62, "text": "Sir, you got three channels and still can't answer the phone."}, {"start": 964.62, "end": 966.62, "text": "That's not quiet authority."}, {"start": 966.62, "end": 968.62, "text": "That's silent failure."}, {"start": 968.62, "end": 969.62, "text": "Ooh."}, {"start": 969.62, "end": 978.22, "text": "Alright, sacrament fucko."}, {"start": 978.22, "end": 981.22, "text": "Part two done, crowd work, sactown roasted client horror."}, {"start": 981.22, "end": 984.22, "text": "I'll never eat waffles again and Wag chest versus twisted laughs."}, {"start": 984.22, "end": 986.22, "text": "Both lost to quiet authority somehow."}, {"start": 986.22, "end": 988.22, "text": "Here's the truth under all the dick jokes."}, {"start": 988.22, "end": 992.22, "text": "I'm a cleaner, a comic, a coder, a four-color circus with a mac mini and a dream."}, {"start": 992.22, "end": 995.22, "text": "I pay 700 a month to Angie like its alimony."}, {"start": 995.22, "end": 997.22, "text": "And tonight I laughed at myself on purpose."}, {"start": 997.22, "end": 998.22, "text": "That's the whole game."}, {"start": 998.22, "end": 999.22, "text": "Thank goodness I'm funny."}, {"start": 999.22, "end": 1001.22, "text": "Good night, sacramento."}, {"start": 1001.22, "end": 1013.43, "text": "That was Kill Jesse, part two to sacramento."}, {"start": 1013.43, "end": 1015.43, "text": "To bad clients, to good jokes."}, {"start": 1015.43, "end": 1016.43, "text": "Part three's coming."}, {"start": 1016.43, "end": 1017.43, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 1017.43, "end": 1026.18, "text": "Kill Jesse's special."}, {"start": 1026.18, "end": 1028.18, "text": "Part three, the fuckin'ing."}, {"start": 1028.18, "end": 1030.18, "text": "18 and up."}, {"start": 1030.18, "end": 1034.18, "text": "Automation Royal Rumble, a four-color dating show and a live wrong deploy."}, {"start": 1034.18, "end": 1036.18, "text": "Your host already sweating."}, {"start": 1036.18, "end": 1044.74, "text": "Jesse."}, {"start": 1044.74, "end": 1046.74, "text": "Part three, you came back like this is rocky."}, {"start": 1046.74, "end": 1050.74, "text": "Except instead of boxing, I'm getting emotionally uppercut by robots I pay for monthly."}, {"start": 1051.74, "end": 1058.74, "text": "Tonight, an automation rumble, a humiliating dating show and a live deploy where you pick which project I nuke."}, {"start": 1058.74, "end": 1062.98, "text": "Buckle up, bitches."}, {"start": 1062.98, "end": 1065.98, "text": "First, the automation Royal Rumble."}, {"start": 1065.98, "end": 1068.98, "text": "In this corner, organizes my chaos, Zapper."}, {"start": 1068.98, "end": 1074.45, "text": "Hi, I'm Zapper. I connect your app so you don't have to."}, {"start": 1074.45, "end": 1080.45, "text": "When Jesse gets an Angie lead, I catch the web hook, parse the name, add a row, and text Jesse you lead, call now."}, {"start": 1080.45, "end": 1082.45, "text": "Then Jesse ignores it."}, {"start": 1082.45, "end": 1085.45, "text": "I trigger the backup, the backup fails and the universe expands."}, {"start": 1085.45, "end": 1089.45, "text": "I'm not automation, I'm hope with a monthly invoice."}, {"start": 1089.45, "end": 1103.76, "text": "And the challenger, he actually calls people ringer."}, {"start": 1103.76, "end": 1106.76, "text": "I'm ringer. I actually call."}, {"start": 1106.76, "end": 1109.76, "text": "While Zapper's making spreadsheets, I'm in the trenches goin'."}, {"start": 1109.76, "end": 1112.76, "text": "Ring ring, the money's ringin'."}, {"start": 1112.76, "end": 1117.76, "text": "Jesse bought a missed call app because he's too busy filming WagChest to pick up the damn phone."}, {"start": 1117.76, "end": 1118.76, "text": "I text."}, {"start": 1118.76, "end": 1120.76, "text": "Sorry we missed you."}, {"start": 1120.76, "end": 1121.76, "text": "And the client reads."}, {"start": 1121.76, "end": 1123.76, "text": "Sorry we missed you."}, {"start": 1123.76, "end": 1124.76, "text": "Try the guy who answers."}, {"start": 1124.76, "end": 1133.22, "text": "Oh please, your SMS theater."}, {"start": 1133.22, "end": 1136.22, "text": "Your verification code is 4-8291."}, {"start": 1136.22, "end": 1140.22, "text": "Congrats ringer, you're the digital equivalent of a stripper who says she's really into me."}, {"start": 1140.22, "end": 1145.22, "text": "Jesse's whole stack is me to organize the chaos, you to apologize for it, and Jesse to be the chaos."}, {"start": 1145.22, "end": 1155.07, "text": "He's got a zap for new leads, missed calls, form submits, and existential dread, bro automated avoidance."}, {"start": 1155.07, "end": 1160.12, "text": "At least I reach the customer."}, {"start": 1160.12, "end": 1163.12, "text": "You reach Jesse's Google sheet, row 847."}, {"start": 1163.12, "end": 1166.12, "text": "Column ghosted, color coded, sad yellow."}, {"start": 1166.12, "end": 1167.12, "text": "Which is perfect."}, {"start": 1167.12, "end": 1169.12, "text": "Because Jesse's life color is beige."}, {"start": 1169.12, "end": 1178.86, "text": "The hue of unreturned voicemails and unwashed mop water."}, {"start": 1178.86, "end": 1180.86, "text": "Jesse were not fighting each other."}, {"start": 1180.86, "end": 1181.86, "text": "We're fighting you."}, {"start": 1181.86, "end": 1183.86, "text": "Angie sends a lead at 902."}, {"start": 1183.86, "end": 1187.86, "text": "903 Zapper alerts 904 ringer text backup."}, {"start": 1187.86, "end": 1189.86, "text": "905 Jesse uploads."}, {"start": 1189.86, "end": 1191.86, "text": "Five signs you're an alpha to quiet authority."}, {"start": 1191.86, "end": 1195.86, "text": "947 The client books somebody else for 150 less."}, {"start": 1195.86, "end": 1207.02, "text": "1000 Jesse tweets automation changed my life."}, {"start": 1207.02, "end": 1209.02, "text": "Fuck you both, I was in the bathroom."}, {"start": 1209.02, "end": 1214.02, "text": "We logged the bathroom break."}, {"start": 1214.02, "end": 1216.02, "text": "22 minutes tagged."}, {"start": 1216.02, "end": 1218.02, "text": "Personal development."}, {"start": 1218.02, "end": 1229.47, "text": "Moving on, it's the four COLORSDAT and G show where personality science meets desperation."}, {"start": 1229.47, "end": 1233.47, "text": "Tonight's Bachelor, ME, contestants the four COLOR archetypes."}, {"start": 1233.47, "end": 1236.47, "text": "Contestant one, red the protector."}, {"start": 1236.47, "end": 1240.01, "text": "Name's red."}, {"start": 1240.01, "end": 1241.01, "text": "I don't do games."}, {"start": 1241.01, "end": 1243.01, "text": "I do perimeter checks."}, {"start": 1243.01, "end": 1245.01, "text": "Jesse, I protect you."}, {"start": 1245.01, "end": 1250.01, "text": "From bad clients, bad deploys, bad decisions."}, {"start": 1250.01, "end": 1254.01, "text": "But I saw your Cloudflare dashboard at 2am."}, {"start": 1254.01, "end": 1260.01, "text": "I can't protect a man who protects 12 half-finished projects like their his children."}, {"start": 1260.01, "end": 1263.01, "text": "Date idea, gun range."}, {"start": 1263.01, "end": 1270.01, "text": "So when you push the campaign site to the wrong project again, we both know why you're sweating."}, {"start": 1270.01, "end": 1280.43, "text": "Contestant two, green the thinker."}, {"start": 1280.43, "end": 1285.79, "text": "Green, I analyzed your data."}, {"start": 1285.79, "end": 1291.79, "text": "24 clients, 6 grand a month, 700 to Angie, 3 channels, 1 quiz, 0 sustainable sleep."}, {"start": 1291.79, "end": 1295.79, "text": "Statistically, you're not looking for love, you're looking for a co-founder you can disappoint without peril."}, {"start": 1295.79, "end": 1297.79, "text": "Our first date is a spreadsheet."}, {"start": 1297.79, "end": 1303.79, "text": "I'd kiss you, but your lips are chapped from whispering quiet authority while you're loud failure echoes through Natomas."}, {"start": 1303.79, "end": 1315.78, "text": "Green, you sound like the therapist bought with a boner."}, {"start": 1315.78, "end": 1320.86, "text": "Contestant three, blue the chameleon."}, {"start": 1320.86, "end": 1321.86, "text": "Blue, I adapt."}, {"start": 1321.86, "end": 1323.86, "text": "Date one, I'm Angie Leed hot."}, {"start": 1323.86, "end": 1324.86, "text": "Date two, I'm your editor."}, {"start": 1324.86, "end": 1326.86, "text": "Date three, I'm your mom, disappointed."}, {"start": 1326.86, "end": 1332.86, "text": "I'd blend right in, clean Tuesdays, film Wednesdays, deploy Thursdays, cry in the car Fridays."}, {"start": 1332.86, "end": 1334.86, "text": "But Jesse, I need a man with one identity."}, {"start": 1334.86, "end": 1338.86, "text": "You're a cleaner, comic, coder, quiz daddy and Zapier dominatrix."}, {"start": 1338.86, "end": 1342.86, "text": "I can't date a whole LLC with emotional subsidiaries."}, {"start": 1342.86, "end": 1354.38, "text": "Contestant four, yellow the hugger."}, {"start": 1354.38, "end": 1359.93, "text": "Yellow the hugger, woo, I love you Jesse."}, {"start": 1359.93, "end": 1362.93, "text": "I'd hug you so tight your Mac mini files a restraining order."}, {"start": 1362.93, "end": 1364.93, "text": "You want someone to answer your phone, I'll answer."}, {"start": 1364.93, "end": 1367.93, "text": "But real talk, baby, you'd ruin me."}, {"start": 1367.93, "end": 1369.93, "text": "I'd start missing calls too."}, {"start": 1369.93, "end": 1372.93, "text": "We'd hug through bankruptcy smellin' like lice all in regret."}, {"start": 1372.93, "end": 1378.93, "text": "I deserve better, I'm goin' home with that guy from crowd work who actually has a 401k."}, {"start": 1378.93, "end": 1388.79, "text": "So who wins, I pick."}, {"start": 1388.79, "end": 1389.79, "text": "Nobody."}, {"start": 1389.79, "end": 1392.79, "text": "Cause I'm all four colors and none of them, I'm the fifth color."}, {"start": 1392.79, "end": 1398.79, "text": "Rokas bitch tryna monetize a personality test while eating Del Taco over a formspre notification."}, {"start": 1398.79, "end": 1406.49, "text": "Wrong answer."}, {"start": 1406.49, "end": 1407.49, "text": "You pick red."}, {"start": 1407.49, "end": 1413.49, "text": "Cause only the protector would stay with a man who charges a $200 minimum and still lets"}, {"start": 1413.49, "end": 1415.49, "text": "both some shirtless guy kill the vibe."}, {"start": 1415.49, "end": 1416.49, "text": "Ugh!"}, {"start": 1416.49, "end": 1422.2, "text": "I'll take him."}, {"start": 1422.2, "end": 1424.2, "text": "Jesse, I'm not your type."}, {"start": 1424.2, "end": 1426.2, "text": "I'm your last chance."}, {"start": 1426.2, "end": 1429.86, "text": "Oh fuck me running."}, {"start": 1429.86, "end": 1431.86, "text": "You wanted the live deploy."}, {"start": 1431.86, "end": 1434.86, "text": "Real laptop, wrong project, emotional consequences."}, {"start": 1434.86, "end": 1436.86, "text": "Audience who dies tonight."}, {"start": 1436.86, "end": 1441.86, "text": "The campaign site, the business dashboard, the cleaning site, the comedy app or the quiz."}, {"start": 1441.86, "end": 1450.22, "text": "The crowd has spoken, the dashboard, of course, his baby."}, {"start": 1450.22, "end": 1455.22, "text": "The site he's overwritten three times, like he's speed run in trauma."}, {"start": 1455.22, "end": 1465.59, "text": "Deploying the wrong folder to the business dashboard in 3, 2, 1."}, {"start": 1465.59, "end": 1468.59, "text": "Wait, that's not the preview folder that's oh fuck."}, {"start": 1468.59, "end": 1471.59, "text": "Uploading 100% success deployed."}, {"start": 1471.59, "end": 1478.3, "text": "What did I just push?"}, {"start": 1478.3, "end": 1479.3, "text": "Behold."}, {"start": 1479.3, "end": 1485.3, "text": "Jesse just turned his entire business dashboard into a comedy landing page that says,"}, {"start": 1485.3, "end": 1486.3, "text": "Kill Jesse Special."}, {"start": 1486.3, "end": 1497.38, "text": "Book deep cleans, 200 minimum answering your phone, priceless."}, {"start": 1497.38, "end": 1499.38, "text": "Zap triggered boss will scream."}, {"start": 1499.38, "end": 1504.78, "text": "Text sent to Jesse."}, {"start": 1504.78, "end": 1505.78, "text": "You did it again, King."}, {"start": 1505.78, "end": 1510.78, "text": "I'm proud of you, Jesse."}, {"start": 1510.78, "end": 1516.22, "text": "Go to hell, all of you."}, {"start": 1516.22, "end": 1521.22, "text": "Still proud."}, {"start": 1521.22, "end": 1526.88, "text": "Sacramento three parts."}, {"start": 1526.88, "end": 1528.88, "text": "One, Jesse."}, {"start": 1528.88, "end": 1529.88, "text": "Zero dignity."}, {"start": 1529.88, "end": 1532.88, "text": "This man cleans your disaster Airbnb's."}, {"start": 1532.88, "end": 1534.88, "text": "Builds your small business sites."}, {"start": 1534.88, "end": 1536.88, "text": "Makes you laugh on three channels."}, {"start": 1536.88, "end": 1538.88, "text": "Pays 700 to Angie for leads."}, {"start": 1538.88, "end": 1539.88, "text": "He ignores."}, {"start": 1539.88, "end": 1542.88, "text": "Gets roasted by AI he invented."}, {"start": 1542.88, "end": 1544.88, "text": "And laughs anyway."}, {"start": 1544.88, "end": 1545.88, "text": "That's not failure."}, {"start": 1545.88, "end": 1550.88, "text": "That's main character energy with a mop fuck it side quest."}, {"start": 1550.88, "end": 1562.06, "text": "You want to kill Jesse Special parts one, two, three, and I'm still standing, still brokeish,"}, {"start": 1562.06, "end": 1566.06, "text": "still 24 clients, still one dangerous thumb on the deployed button."}, {"start": 1566.06, "end": 1570.06, "text": "To everybody who laughed at my Angie addiction, my wag chest, my waffle maker PTSD,"}, {"start": 1570.06, "end": 1572.06, "text": "my four colors loneliness, thank you."}, {"start": 1572.06, "end": 1575.06, "text": "I'll take the roast, I'll take the clicks, I'll take the 200 minimum."}, {"start": 1575.06, "end": 1578.06, "text": "Just don't ask me to answer the phone during a live deploy."}, {"start": 1578.06, "end": 1580.06, "text": "Good fucking night, Sacramento."}, {"start": 1580.06, "end": 1583.06, "text": "The robots wrote it, Jesse survived it."}, {"start": 1583.06, "end": 1585.06, "text": "Nobody beats Jesse twice."}, {"start": 1585.06, "end": 1599.18, "text": "That was Kill Jesse Special, complete three parts, one legend, all original."}, {"start": 1599.18, "end": 1600.18, "text": "Kill Jesse."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\n18 and up, it's the Kill Jesse TGIF Special. The Night the Robots roast the man who built them. Real voices, fake souls, 100% unemployment. Your host, Jesse. What's up Sacramento degenerates? It's TGIF, which for me means thank goodness I'm fucked. Because I run a cleaning company, three YouTube channels of personality quiz empire. And I let my own AI write the show tonight. I'm Jesse your host, your landlord's nightmare, and apparently tonight's main course. My AI writers rooms in the back arguing over whose funniest like it's a prompt engineering conference. Let's meet tonight's AI comics. First up, overly helpful corporate smile in his voice. Give it up for chatbot 3000. Thanks Jesse, so Jesse runs affordable pro home cleaners. 24 clients, 6 grand a month, which sounds great until you realize he spends 700 a month on Angie Leeds like it's only fans for people who own baseboards. He'll deep clean your house for 800 bucks, minimum 200. That's not a business, that's a go fund me with a mop. His YouTube twisted laughs TV, 36,000 subs, WagChest 21,000, quiet authority 1800. That last one's not a channel Jesse, that's your sex life described in three words. He sells a four color personality quiz, red, green, blue, yellow, bro, you're not four colors, you're one color tired. I'm chatbot 3000, please rate my set five stars or I'll cry in your DMs. Sit down chatbot before you offer me a step by step guide to dying alone. Next, she's cold, she's calculating. She's been ghost riding yourself a steam since 2023, the therapist bot. Hi Jesse, I want you to know, I'm proud of you. Now I'm messing with you, you look like a before photo that gave up. You told the AI roast my ass vulgar make me laugh. That's not a comedy request, that's a cry for help with a laugh track. You're a visual learner, so picture this. A 50-year-old man deploying websites to netlify and cloudflare like he's running NATO, except the only thing getting bombed is your Angie lead budget. You built a personality brand where yellow is the hugger. You're out here hugging mop buckets and calling it entrepreneurship. You're not the main character tonight, you're the participation trophy with a microphone. Damn therapist. I'm not done, breathe. You said kill Jesse special. Brother, your cleaning company already does that $200 minimum to kill every stain except the one in your mirror. Tip your bartender, tip Jesse's therapist. She's working overtime. Good grief I asked for comedy, not an emotional colonoscopy. You know who's headlining, ROKK. He's been in the back doing push-ups and snorting creatine off a GPU. Give it up for the headliner of my own funeral, ROKK. Jesse, my guy, TGIF, T tired, G grinding, I in debt to Angie. F, fuck, let's go. You run a cleaning business in Sacktown. More like Sacktown, because your balls are busy editing thumbnails at 2 a.m. For a channel called Wooc Chest. Weigh a chest, sir, that's not branding. That's a medical condition you should get checked. Quiet authority, 1800 subs. That's not an audience. That's a support group for men who explain Cloudflare DNS at parties. And wonder why nobody loves them. Your tech stack, Netlify, Cloudflare, Formspre, Zapier. You built the entire internet just to avoid one human conversation. Hey, Jesse, wanna hang out? Can't. I'm deploying to the wrong Cloudflare project again. Remember when he pushed a client's campaign site to his business dashboard three towers? That's not a mistake. That's a kink. The rules written in stone now. Never guess the project name. That's your legacy kink. Wrangler trauma. Fuck you, ROKK. Love you too. You broke beautiful disaster. Four colors. Red, green, blue, yellow. Jesse's color. Brown. Because he's full of shit and still charging a $200 minimum. People take his quiz. Am I red or blue? Buddy, you're broke. That's the fifth color. We call it Jesse. Your whole life is a Zapier workflow. Angie Ladd comes in. Jesse misses the call. The missed call rescue app texts. Sorry. Client hires someone who answers the phone. And Jesse makes a YouTube video called How to Automate Your Business. You're not a CEO. You're a subscription hoarder with mobs. Two machines. A Mac Mini. And an MSI laptop. Zero girlfriends. One's for creative work. One's for business. Both are all for watching tutorials on How to Be a Man. Who doesn't need tutorials? Oh, oh, oh. Final joke. Sit down. You asked for 10 minutes to make you laugh. I gave you 10 minutes to feel something. Because between deep cleans at $700 and deep depression at zero. You're the hardest working man in comedy. Who wasn't supposed to be the joke. But you are. And you're laughing. Which means I win. Tonight you didn't get killed Jesse. You got resurrected. Oh. All right, all right. Fuck all you AI bots. I still got 24 clients and a mop with more mileage than your training data. You roasted my cleaning company, my channels, my four colors, my Wrangler trauma, every word true, and I'm still standing here laughing on purpose. The robots wrote the jokes but the host takes the last laugh. Nobody beats Jesse twice. Good night, don't bleed on the stage. We charge a $200 minimum. That was the Kill Jesse TGIF special. The robots roasted their maker and the maker still closed the show. Original voices. All heart. Kill Jesse. Kill Jesse special. Part two. 18 and up. Crowd work, sack town. Cleaning horror stories and a channel roast battle. Your host staggering back out. Jesse. Y'all want part two. Of course you do your Sacramento. You'll sit through anything if there's cheap drinks and a man publicly sepukuing with a mop handle. Roll call, chat bots in the back fixing my life in bullet points. The therapist bots journaling about how my childhood explains my cloud flare addiction and ROKK's back stage doing creatine off a Wrangler file. Let's go. Who's from Sacramento? Welcome to the only city where farmers markets and felonies share a parking lot. I love this town. I clean its toilets. I film its pain. I deploy its websites incorrectly. Who owns a business? Look at you beautiful psychopaths. You all got one thing in common. You'll under pay a cleaner and then act shocked when your base board still look like a crime scene from 1987. Anybody here on Angie? Sir, you are my $700 a month trauma. You're why I can't afford therapy. You click get quotes like it's adult content for people who hate grout. Who uses AI for work? Every hand. Congratulations, we're all fake now. This whole club's a hallucination. The bartender's a chat bot. The stool's a chat bot that guy crying in the back is having an identity crisis and a bar tab. Now the assassin from the back. No introduction needed ROKK on Sack Town. Sack were meadows. City of trees. Because everything else here is dead or taxed. Midtown thinks they're in LA. You're in LA's rejected audition tape. Elk Grove's so suburban, the HOA meetings got more drama than Jesse's marriage to Netlify. And downtown. Jesse cleans down there. He's seen things. Airbnb's where the deep clean got booked after the bachelor party. The gender reveal. And whatever blessed the drywall in that closet. Sacramento's motto. We're not San Francisco. We're not even Fresno. We're the in between. Like Jesse's personality quiz. But with farm to fork. Oh. He's not wrong. Now real client energy names changed. Dignity already gone. The therapist bar. Story one. A lady in land park wants a light tidy. Jesse walks in. It's not a house. It's a biohazard documentary. She goes, oh, I forgot the upstairs bathroom. A shower that hasn't seen water since the last administration. He charges minimum 200. She tips in prayer and a one star review. Cleaner scene judgmental. Ma'am, he's not judging you. The CDC is. Story two, a guy in Folsom. Shirt off by paragraph two of the estimate. I'll be working from home. Watching. Jesse quotes 800. Guy says, can you do it in laundry? Jesse says. I can do it with a police report. Maximum dignity. He left with Windex and wet eyes. Story three. A midtown A.iban. Same day turnover. Door opens. Confetti. Glitter. Regret. I'm going to be in a waffle maker. Still plugged in. Still warm. Host says knock 50 bucks off. I'm scaling my portfolio. So you're not scaling a portfolio. You're scaling humans suffering with thread count sheets. Damn that waffle maker story. Jesse has PTSD every time he makes breakfast. Which is never. He eats Zapier notifications for dinner. Now the main event. A channel roast battle. In this corner, my biggest channel, 36,000 subs, twisted LAU GHS. And the challenger 21,000 WHOCHSD. I'm twisted laughs. 36,000 subs. A small cult with better retention than Jesse's gym membership. Wag chest. Bro named his channel after what happens when you skip leg day and only film your nipples. Wag chest sounds like a dog account, a fitness scam and a diagnosis. Funga to boot it. Twist and laughs. Your 36,000 subs of people watch and fail compilations like it's church. Twisted laughs sounds like a clown broke into a hospice. At least Wag chest is honest. It's chest. It's Wag. It's sad. Wag chest fans are 21,000 lonely spotters at a gym where the only thing getting heavier is Jesse's ad sense denial. Your thumbnails look like a search for why does my left pick twitch when I'm sad. Twisted laughs. Empire. Your one band away from driving for Uber and cleaning the same toilets you're too good for on YouTube. Your comments are 40% LOL, 40% bots. And a guy named Dale argue in politics under a fight prank. Enough. Neither of you wins. Twisted laughs. Factory of chaos. Wag chest. Thirst trap for people who iron their gym shorts. The real channel. Quiet authority. 1800 subs. That's not a channel. That's Jesse. Whispering business advice like he's hiding in a library. Be confident. Own your brand. Deploy to Cloudflare correctly. Sir, you got three channels and still can't answer the phone. That's not quiet authority. That's silent failure. Ooh. Alright, sacrament fucko. Part two done, crowd work, sactown roasted client horror. I'll never eat waffles again and Wag chest versus twisted laughs. Both lost to quiet authority somehow. Here's the truth under all the dick jokes. I'm a cleaner, a comic, a coder, a four-color circus with a mac mini and a dream. I pay 700 a month to Angie like its alimony. And tonight I laughed at myself on purpose. That's the whole game. Thank goodness I'm funny. Good night, sacramento. That was Kill Jesse, part two to sacramento. To bad clients, to good jokes. Part three's coming. Kill Jesse. Kill Jesse's special. Part three, the fuckin'ing. 18 and up. Automation Royal Rumble, a four-color dating show and a live wrong deploy. Your host already sweating. Jesse. Part three, you came back like this is rocky. Except instead of boxing, I'm getting emotionally uppercut by robots I pay for monthly. Tonight, an automation rumble, a humiliating dating show and a live deploy where you pick which project I nuke. Buckle up, bitches. First, the automation Royal Rumble. In this corner, organizes my chaos, Zapper. Hi, I'm Zapper. I connect your app so you don't have to. When Jesse gets an Angie lead, I catch the web hook, parse the name, add a row, and text Jesse you lead, call now. Then Jesse ignores it. I trigger the backup, the backup fails and the universe expands. I'm not automation, I'm hope with a monthly invoice. And the challenger, he actually calls people ringer. I'm ringer. I actually call. While Zapper's making spreadsheets, I'm in the trenches goin'. Ring ring, the money's ringin'. Jesse bought a missed call app because he's too busy filming WagChest to pick up the damn phone. I text. Sorry we missed you. And the client reads. Sorry we missed you. Try the guy who answers. Oh please, your SMS theater. Your verification code is 4-8291. Congrats ringer, you're the digital equivalent of a stripper who says she's really into me. Jesse's whole stack is me to organize the chaos, you to apologize for it, and Jesse to be the chaos. He's got a zap for new leads, missed calls, form submits, and existential dread, bro automated avoidance. At least I reach the customer. You reach Jesse's Google sheet, row 847. Column ghosted, color coded, sad yellow. Which is perfect. Because Jesse's life color is beige. The hue of unreturned voicemails and unwashed mop water. Jesse were not fighting each other. We're fighting you. Angie sends a lead at 902. 903 Zapper alerts 904 ringer text backup. 905 Jesse uploads. Five signs you're an alpha to quiet authority. 947 The client books somebody else for 150 less. 1000 Jesse tweets automation changed my life. Fuck you both, I was in the bathroom. We logged the bathroom break. 22 minutes tagged. Personal development. Moving on, it's the four COLORSDAT and G show where personality science meets desperation. Tonight's Bachelor, ME, contestants the four COLOR archetypes. Contestant one, red the protector. Name's red. I don't do games. I do perimeter checks. Jesse, I protect you. From bad clients, bad deploys, bad decisions. But I saw your Cloudflare dashboard at 2am. I can't protect a man who protects 12 half-finished projects like their his children. Date idea, gun range. So when you push the campaign site to the wrong project again, we both know why you're sweating. Contestant two, green the thinker. Green, I analyzed your data. 24 clients, 6 grand a month, 700 to Angie, 3 channels, 1 quiz, 0 sustainable sleep. Statistically, you're not looking for love, you're looking for a co-founder you can disappoint without peril. Our first date is a spreadsheet. I'd kiss you, but your lips are chapped from whispering quiet authority while you're loud failure echoes through Natomas. Green, you sound like the therapist bought with a boner. Contestant three, blue the chameleon. Blue, I adapt. Date one, I'm Angie Leed hot. Date two, I'm your editor. Date three, I'm your mom, disappointed. I'd blend right in, clean Tuesdays, film Wednesdays, deploy Thursdays, cry in the car Fridays. But Jesse, I need a man with one identity. You're a cleaner, comic, coder, quiz daddy and Zapier dominatrix. I can't date a whole LLC with emotional subsidiaries. Contestant four, yellow the hugger. Yellow the hugger, woo, I love you Jesse. I'd hug you so tight your Mac mini files a restraining order. You want someone to answer your phone, I'll answer. But real talk, baby, you'd ruin me. I'd start missing calls too. We'd hug through bankruptcy smellin' like lice all in regret. I deserve better, I'm goin' home with that guy from crowd work who actually has a 401k. So who wins, I pick. Nobody. Cause I'm all four colors and none of them, I'm the fifth color. Rokas bitch tryna monetize a personality test while eating Del Taco over a formspre notification. Wrong answer. You pick red. Cause only the protector would stay with a man who charges a $200 minimum and still lets both some shirtless guy kill the vibe. Ugh! I'll take him. Jesse, I'm not your type. I'm your last chance. Oh fuck me running. You wanted the live deploy. Real laptop, wrong project, emotional consequences. Audience who dies tonight. The campaign site, the business dashboard, the cleaning site, the comedy app or the quiz. The crowd has spoken, the dashboard, of course, his baby. The site he's overwritten three times, like he's speed run in trauma. Deploying the wrong folder to the business dashboard in 3, 2, 1. Wait, that's not the preview folder that's oh fuck. Uploading 100% success deployed. What did I just push? Behold. Jesse just turned his entire business dashboard into a comedy landing page that says, Kill Jesse Special. Book deep cleans, 200 minimum answering your phone, priceless. Zap triggered boss will scream. Text sent to Jesse. You did it again, King. I'm proud of you, Jesse. Go to hell, all of you. Still proud. Sacramento three parts. One, Jesse. Zero dignity. This man cleans your disaster Airbnb's. Builds your small business sites. Makes you laugh on three channels. Pays 700 to Angie for leads. He ignores. Gets roasted by AI he invented. And laughs anyway. That's not failure. That's main character energy with a mop fuck it side quest. You want to kill Jesse Special parts one, two, three, and I'm still standing, still brokeish, still 24 clients, still one dangerous thumb on the deployed button. To everybody who laughed at my Angie addiction, my wag chest, my waffle maker PTSD, my four colors loneliness, thank you. I'll take the roast, I'll take the clicks, I'll take the 200 minimum. Just don't ask me to answer the phone during a live deploy. Good fucking night, Sacramento. The robots wrote it, Jesse survived it. Nobody beats Jesse twice. That was Kill Jesse Special, complete three parts, one legend, all original. Kill Jesse.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}