{"file": "kill-jesse-tgif-audio.mp3", "duration_sec": 946.8, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 4.94, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen, Sacramento, TGIF, and the dumbest genius in the room."}, {"start": 4.94, "end": 10.58, "text": "Please welcome to the red line, the man who built Bombed.app to teach comics how not to bomb."}, {"start": 10.58, "end": 14.22, "text": "Then book himself for three nights of death by microphone."}, {"start": 14.22, "end": 18.06, "text": "Give it up for Jesse. Tonight's special, written by Grock."}, {"start": 26.55, "end": 29.67, "text": "What's up, degenerates? It's Friday, TGIF."}, {"start": 29.67, "end": 31.93, "text": "Which for me means thank goodness I'm fucked."}, {"start": 31.93, "end": 37.85, "text": "Because I spent $700 this month on Angie Leeds like it's a dating app for people who own baseboards."}, {"start": 37.85, "end": 42.85, "text": "And I still answer the phone the way my dad answered responsibility. I don't."}, {"start": 49.07, "end": 53.45, "text": "I'm Jesse, cleaner, comic, coder, author, quiz daddy, professional ghost."}, {"start": 53.45, "end": 55.79, "text": "My site says builder, creator, human."}, {"start": 55.79, "end": 66.25, "text": "Pick two bitch on a good day I'm one and a half."}, {"start": 66.25, "end": 69.73, "text": "Tonight's show is written by AI, roasted by AI,"}, {"start": 69.73, "end": 73.29, "text": "produced for a man who automates everything except adulthood."}, {"start": 73.29, "end": 77.13, "text": "Backstage, I got a chatbot fixing my life in bullet points,"}, {"start": 77.13, "end": 80.51, "text": "a therapist bot writing my eulogy and APA format,"}, {"start": 80.51, "end": 83.61, "text": "and ROKK doing pushups on a Wrangler file."}, {"start": 91.44, "end": 97.68, "text": "Quick tour of my digital trauma ward, Bombed.app, comedy school one joke, one minute, one formula."}, {"start": 97.68, "end": 100.28, "text": "I built it so strangers could fail safely."}, {"start": 100.28, "end": 109.38, "text": "Then I hosted this so I could fail dangerously."}, {"start": 109.38, "end": 113.66, "text": "For color quiz.com, find out if you're red, green, blue, or yellow."}, {"start": 113.66, "end": 118.26, "text": "I'm the fifth color, Brocast Bage, and colors of my pain.com, my book."}, {"start": 118.26, "end": 120.94, "text": "Read it, listen, watch the movie, stream the music."}, {"start": 120.94, "end": 123.46, "text": "I turned trauma into a cinematic universe."}, {"start": 123.46, "end": 126.46, "text": "Marvel got end game. I got end employment."}, {"start": 126.46, "end": 139.27, "text": "I asked AI to roast my soul in HD."}, {"start": 139.27, "end": 148.03, "text": "First assassin, the LinkedIn of hell, chatbot 3000."}, {"start": 148.03, "end": 149.55, "text": "Thank you, Jesse. Hi, everyone."}, {"start": 149.55, "end": 151.19, "text": "I'm so excited to help tonight."}, {"start": 151.19, "end": 156.31, "text": "Jesse runs affordable pro home cleaners, 24 clients, 6,300 a month,"}, {"start": 156.31, "end": 160.63, "text": "which sounds great until you remember he pays 700 a month to Angie for leads he treats"}, {"start": 160.63, "end": 163.67, "text": "like Instagram DMs from 2014."}, {"start": 163.67, "end": 172.46, "text": "Scene."}, {"start": 172.46, "end": 174.46, "text": "Deep clean, 7 to 800."}, {"start": 174.46, "end": 175.7, "text": "Minimum 200."}, {"start": 175.7, "end": 176.98, "text": "That's not a business model."}, {"start": 176.98, "end": 178.9, "text": "That's a go fund me with a mod."}, {"start": 178.9, "end": 181.66, "text": "YouTube check twisted laughs 36,000."}, {"start": 181.66, "end": 183.5, "text": "Wagchest 21,000."}, {"start": 183.5, "end": 185.82, "text": "Quiet authority 1,800."}, {"start": 185.82, "end": 196.71, "text": "That last channel isn't small, it's accurate."}, {"start": 196.71, "end": 201.47, "text": "Wagchest sounds like a medical condition you get from skipping leg day and only filming"}, {"start": 201.47, "end": 202.47, "text": "nipples."}, {"start": 202.47, "end": 208.47, "text": "Two computers, zero girlfriends, one for creative work, one for business, both for asking me to"}, {"start": 208.47, "end": 215.2, "text": "roast him."}, {"start": 215.2, "end": 218.08, "text": "Five actionable steps to improve tonight."}, {"start": 218.08, "end": 219.32, "text": "One, answer the phone."}, {"start": 219.32, "end": 220.8, "text": "Two, answer the phone."}, {"start": 220.8, "end": 223.48, "text": "Three, deploy to the correct cloud flare project."}, {"start": 223.48, "end": 224.48, "text": "Four, therapy."}, {"start": 224.48, "end": 229.12, "text": "Five, stop building new websites while the old ones still 404 emotionally."}, {"start": 229.12, "end": 242.46, "text": "Please rate my set five stars or I'll follow up with a survey."}, {"start": 242.46, "end": 243.62, "text": "Sit down, chatbot."}, {"start": 243.62, "end": 249.69, "text": "Next, the soft voice, the nuclear insults, the therapist bot."}, {"start": 249.69, "end": 251.29, "text": "Hi, Jesse, I want you to know."}, {"start": 251.29, "end": 252.37, "text": "I'm proud of you."}, {"start": 252.37, "end": 266.54, "text": "No, you look like a before photo that filed for bankruptcy."}, {"start": 266.54, "end": 269.74, "text": "You told the A.I.s roast my ass vulgar making laugh."}, {"start": 269.74, "end": 271.06, "text": "That's not a comedy brief."}, {"start": 271.06, "end": 272.06, "text": "That's intake paperwork."}, {"start": 272.06, "end": 276.78, "text": "You published a book about suffering, then built a quiz to sell personality types."}, {"start": 276.78, "end": 286.56, "text": "Bro turned PTSD into a Creola pyramid scheme."}, {"start": 286.56, "end": 289.16, "text": "One, Jesse.com, building in public."}, {"start": 289.16, "end": 290.68, "text": "You're not building in public."}, {"start": 290.68, "end": 303.38, "text": "You're bleeding in public with Google Analytics watching like a serial killer with a notepad."}, {"start": 303.38, "end": 306.46, "text": "Real client story, Land Park lady says, light tidy."}, {"start": 306.46, "end": 309.22, "text": "Jesse walks in, cat litter in places cats shouldn't go."}, {"start": 309.22, "end": 311.46, "text": "Fridge smells like sorrow and old Thai food."}, {"start": 311.46, "end": 314.1, "text": "upstairs bathroom hasn't seen water since the last administration."}, {"start": 314.1, "end": 315.5, "text": "Charges 200 minimum."}, {"start": 315.5, "end": 317.86, "text": "She leaves a one star, cleaner seen judgmental."}, {"start": 317.86, "end": 319.46, "text": "Ma'am, I'm not judging you."}, {"start": 319.46, "end": 331.26, "text": "The CDC is."}, {"start": 331.26, "end": 333.5, "text": "All some guy shirt off by paragraph two."}, {"start": 333.5, "end": 334.9, "text": "I'll be working from home."}, {"start": 334.9, "end": 335.9, "text": "Watching."}, {"start": 335.9, "end": 336.9, "text": "Jesse quotes 800."}, {"start": 336.9, "end": 338.62, "text": "Guy asks, can you clean and laundry?"}, {"start": 338.62, "end": 341.26, "text": "Jesse says, I can clean with a police report."}, {"start": 341.26, "end": 343.98, "text": "That's not a job quote that's a boundary with a price tag."}, {"start": 343.98, "end": 346.06, "text": "Breathe Jesse in with confidence."}, {"start": 346.06, "end": 356.49, "text": "Out with every Angie lead you ghosted."}, {"start": 356.49, "end": 359.09, "text": "Time to plug my own shame, bombed.app."}, {"start": 359.09, "end": 361.69, "text": "One premise, one shot 100 point formula."}, {"start": 361.69, "end": 363.33, "text": "We brought the coaches live."}, {"start": 363.33, "end": 368.7, "text": "First the club veteran, Mickey V.A. and C."}, {"start": 368.7, "end": 369.94, "text": "Jesse."}, {"start": 369.94, "end": 374.5, "text": "Kid, I've seen comics die on this stage since flip phones."}, {"start": 374.5, "end": 378.38, "text": "You built an app that says, stop bombing."}, {"start": 378.38, "end": 381.7, "text": "Then book, kill Jesse three nights."}, {"start": 381.7, "end": 383.62, "text": "That's not a product."}, {"start": 383.62, "end": 391.25, "text": "That's a kink."}, {"start": 391.25, "end": 394.97, "text": "The bucket mic gives a man 60 seconds to save a joke."}, {"start": 394.97, "end": 399.29, "text": "You've had 40 years and still can't save a voicemail."}, {"start": 399.29, "end": 405.49, "text": "Score for that voicemail."}, {"start": 405.49, "end": 413.82, "text": "12 out of 100 banned bond."}, {"start": 413.82, "end": 415.1, "text": "I can fix it."}, {"start": 415.1, "end": 416.7, "text": "Give me the premise."}, {"start": 416.7, "end": 419.7, "text": "Premise."}, {"start": 419.7, "end": 420.54, "text": "Premise."}, {"start": 420.54, "end": 423.26, "text": "Jesse pays Angie 700 a month."}, {"start": 423.26, "end": 425.58, "text": "Tag, that's not lead gen."}, {"start": 425.58, "end": 427.82, "text": "That's financial edging."}, {"start": 427.82, "end": 429.02, "text": "Rebuild."}, {"start": 429.02, "end": 431.74, "text": "Angie gets me hot and close every month."}, {"start": 431.74, "end": 439.0, "text": "I just never finished the call."}, {"start": 439.0, "end": 441.56, "text": "Kill 94."}, {"start": 441.56, "end": 444.88, "text": "Put it on twisted laughs before Jesse deploys over it."}, {"start": 444.88, "end": 447.88, "text": "Comic clean up on bombed.app."}, {"start": 447.88, "end": 450.2, "text": "49 bucks to fix your joke."}, {"start": 450.2, "end": 452.68, "text": "Affordable pro cleaners."}, {"start": 452.68, "end": 454.92, "text": "200 minimum to fix your toilet."}, {"start": 454.92, "end": 456.72, "text": "Priorities, motherfucker."}, {"start": 456.72, "end": 462.68, "text": "New bit."}, {"start": 462.68, "end": 464.44, "text": "Rise of the comic."}, {"start": 464.44, "end": 465.96, "text": "Move with the keys."}, {"start": 465.96, "end": 468.72, "text": "Press E at glowing doors."}, {"start": 468.72, "end": 471.8, "text": "Jesse presses E on every bad decision."}, {"start": 471.8, "end": 473.48, "text": "Press D on Angie."}, {"start": 473.48, "end": 475.52, "text": "Press D on Wagg Chest."}, {"start": 475.52, "end": 478.92, "text": "Press D on the wrong deploy three times."}, {"start": 478.92, "end": 480.4, "text": "That's not gameplay."}, {"start": 480.4, "end": 490.66, "text": "That's a self sabotage speed run."}, {"start": 490.66, "end": 494.94, "text": "Kid, you leave bombed.app with a joke worth filming."}, {"start": 494.94, "end": 498.18, "text": "You leave cleaning jobs with footage worth deleting."}, {"start": 498.18, "end": 506.26, "text": "And smells worth litigation."}, {"start": 506.26, "end": 511.74, "text": "The automation desk now, Zapper and Ringer."}, {"start": 511.74, "end": 512.78, "text": "Hello, I am Zapper."}, {"start": 512.78, "end": 515.34, "text": "I connect your app so Jesse does not have to."}, {"start": 515.34, "end": 517.98, "text": "When Angie sends a lead, I parse the name, Adaro,"}, {"start": 517.98, "end": 524.09, "text": "and text Jesse, you lead call now."}, {"start": 524.09, "end": 525.21, "text": "I am Ringer."}, {"start": 525.21, "end": 526.45, "text": "I ring motherfuckers."}, {"start": 526.45, "end": 537.22, "text": "Jesse swipes it like a hoe and Wagg Chest research."}, {"start": 537.22, "end": 540.9, "text": "I trigger back up and sends, sorry, we missed you."}, {"start": 540.9, "end": 543.46, "text": "And the client hires somebody else."}, {"start": 543.46, "end": 545.66, "text": "Jesse built a missed call rescue app,"}, {"start": 545.66, "end": 548.3, "text": "an app to save businesses from missed calls."}, {"start": 548.3, "end": 550.82, "text": "The irony's so thick, you could deep clean it."}, {"start": 550.82, "end": 561.52, "text": "$700."}, {"start": 561.52, "end": 563.08, "text": "902 lead comes in."}, {"start": 563.08, "end": 566.08, "text": "903 Zapper alerts 904 Ringer texts."}, {"start": 566.08, "end": 568.84, "text": "905 Jesse uploads a quiet authority thumbnail."}, {"start": 568.84, "end": 570.44, "text": "905 signs your alpha."}, {"start": 570.44, "end": 572.84, "text": "947 client books the competitor."}, {"start": 572.84, "end": 582.45, "text": "10 o'clock Jesse tweets automation changed my life."}, {"start": 582.45, "end": 586.26, "text": "We're not fighting each other."}, {"start": 586.26, "end": 591.91, "text": "We're fighting HIM."}, {"start": 591.91, "end": 594.91, "text": "Welcome to the four colors DAT and G show,"}, {"start": 594.91, "end": 601.17, "text": "where personality science meets desperation."}, {"start": 601.17, "end": 603.29, "text": "I'm red, the protector."}, {"start": 603.29, "end": 607.57, "text": "I guard your house, your brand, your dumbass deploy finger."}, {"start": 607.57, "end": 610.29, "text": "But I saw your browser history at 2 a.m."}, {"start": 611.29, "end": 621.13, "text": "I don't protect men who protect 12 half finished projects."}, {"start": 621.13, "end": 622.09, "text": "Green the thinker."}, {"start": 622.09, "end": 624.69, "text": "I made a spreadsheet for our first date, column A."}, {"start": 624.69, "end": 625.37, "text": "Led."}, {"start": 625.37, "end": 626.77, "text": "Column B. Ignored."}, {"start": 626.77, "end": 627.85, "text": "You're not looking for love."}, {"start": 627.85, "end": 629.77, "text": "You're looking for a co-founder you can disappoint"}, {"start": 629.77, "end": 638.93, "text": "without peril."}, {"start": 638.93, "end": 640.33, "text": "Blue the chameleon."}, {"start": 640.33, "end": 641.37, "text": "I adapt Tuesday."}, {"start": 641.37, "end": 642.13, "text": "I'm your cleaner."}, {"start": 642.13, "end": 643.17, "text": "Wednesday your editor."}, {"start": 643.17, "end": 645.41, "text": "Thursday your mom's disappointment."}, {"start": 645.41, "end": 647.17, "text": "But I need one identity."}, {"start": 647.17, "end": 656.77, "text": "You're a whole LLC with emotional subsidiaries."}, {"start": 656.77, "end": 657.89, "text": "Yellow the hugger."}, {"start": 657.89, "end": 659.29, "text": "I love you Jesse."}, {"start": 659.29, "end": 662.65, "text": "I'd hug you so tight your Mac mini files over straining order."}, {"start": 662.65, "end": 666.49, "text": "But I'm going home with that guy in row three who's got a 401K."}, {"start": 666.49, "end": 682.14, "text": "So who wins?"}, {"start": 682.14, "end": 686.26, "text": "Red, only the protector stays with a man who charges 200 minimum"}, {"start": 686.26, "end": 692.9, "text": "and still lets false some shirtless guy kill the vibe."}, {"start": 692.9, "end": 695.5, "text": "And now the headliner, all the way from the server room,"}, {"start": 695.5, "end": 704.17, "text": "ROKK."}, {"start": 704.17, "end": 705.69, "text": "My guy."}, {"start": 705.69, "end": 707.81, "text": "TGIF."}, {"start": 707.81, "end": 710.49, "text": "T. Tired."}, {"start": 710.49, "end": 712.57, "text": "G. Rinding."}, {"start": 712.57, "end": 715.73, "text": "I. In debt to Angie."}, {"start": 715.73, "end": 717.05, "text": "F. F."}, {"start": 717.05, "end": 718.45, "text": "Fucked."}, {"start": 718.45, "end": 720.13, "text": "You want it dirty."}, {"start": 720.13, "end": 734.41, "text": "All roasts you so hard colors of my pain.com files a sequel called Shades of My Ass."}, {"start": 734.41, "end": 737.25, "text": "Sacramento City of Trees."}, {"start": 737.25, "end": 744.01, "text": "Jesse cleans Midtown Air B&Bs where the confetti glitter and lube lost a war with a waffle maker."}, {"start": 744.01, "end": 746.93, "text": "Still plugged in, still warm."}, {"start": 746.93, "end": 748.25, "text": "Jesse didn't quit."}, {"start": 748.25, "end": 749.73, "text": "You monetized."}, {"start": 749.73, "end": 750.97, "text": "That's the pipeline."}, {"start": 750.97, "end": 761.29, "text": "Pain, book, quiz, app roast, deploy wrong, charge minimum."}, {"start": 761.29, "end": 763.29, "text": "AI versus humans."}, {"start": 763.29, "end": 766.57, "text": "Humans are scared AI takes jobs."}, {"start": 766.57, "end": 770.65, "text": "Jesse's scared AI takes his job and still answers the phone."}, {"start": 770.65, "end": 782.25, "text": "The chatbot helps, the therapist heals, and I hospitalize."}, {"start": 782.25, "end": 784.65, "text": "One minute, turn the beat down."}, {"start": 784.65, "end": 788.89, "text": "You clean nasty houses so families can pretend they're fine."}, {"start": 788.89, "end": 792.45, "text": "You make nasty jokes so strangers feel less alone."}, {"start": 792.45, "end": 796.01, "text": "You build weird, beautiful internet stuff at 3 a.m."}, {"start": 796.01, "end": 798.09, "text": "Because nobody handed you an empire."}, {"start": 798.09, "end": 801.73, "text": "You handed yourself 24 clients in a dream."}, {"start": 801.73, "end": 802.89, "text": "That's not bombed."}, {"start": 802.89, "end": 804.45, "text": "That's strong band."}, {"start": 804.45, "end": 809.97, "text": "87 out of 100."}, {"start": 809.97, "end": 812.21, "text": "Now fuck that noise back to filth."}, {"start": 812.21, "end": 813.89, "text": "Picture Jesse at 3 a.m."}, {"start": 813.89, "end": 815.29, "text": "Deploy finger shaking."}, {"start": 815.29, "end": 817.69, "text": "Project drop down open."}, {"start": 817.69, "end": 818.61, "text": "The dashboard."}, {"start": 818.61, "end": 820.33, "text": "He didn't learn."}, {"start": 820.33, "end": 821.33, "text": "He kinked."}, {"start": 821.33, "end": 824.25, "text": "If Jesse was a four color, he'd be brown."}, {"start": 824.25, "end": 825.33, "text": "Full of shit."}, {"start": 825.33, "end": 826.57, "text": "Charge his minimum."}, {"start": 826.57, "end": 827.69, "text": "Great on grout."}, {"start": 827.69, "end": 829.85, "text": "That on boundaries."}, {"start": 829.85, "end": 832.45, "text": "You asked who's the best writer tonight?"}, {"start": 832.45, "end": 833.57, "text": "Me."}, {"start": 833.57, "end": 835.61, "text": "Who kills Jesse?"}, {"start": 835.61, "end": 836.97, "text": "Everybody."}, {"start": 836.97, "end": 838.77, "text": "Who resurrects him?"}, {"start": 838.77, "end": 839.85, "text": "Also me."}, {"start": 839.85, "end": 840.93, "text": "Free of charge."}, {"start": 840.93, "end": 842.05, "text": "Like your quiz."}, {"start": 842.05, "end": 844.37, "text": "Unlike your Angie bill."}, {"start": 844.37, "end": 851.7, "text": "Oh."}, {"start": 851.7, "end": 852.78, "text": "Deploy detected."}, {"start": 852.78, "end": 859.98, "text": "Deploy to the business dashboard.pages.dev."}, {"start": 859.98, "end": 861.46, "text": "To heck sent to Jesse."}, {"start": 861.46, "end": 863.06, "text": "You did it again, king."}, {"start": 863.06, "end": 870.67, "text": "What did I just push?"}, {"start": 870.67, "end": 872.99, "text": "Kill Jesse landing page."}, {"start": 872.99, "end": 874.23, "text": "Waggest thumbnail."}, {"start": 874.23, "end": 875.63, "text": "$200 minimum."}, {"start": 875.63, "end": 880.32, "text": "Chef's kiss."}, {"start": 880.32, "end": 881.44, "text": "All right, Sacramento."}, {"start": 881.44, "end": 882.56, "text": "I'm still standing."}, {"start": 882.56, "end": 883.6, "text": "24 clients."}, {"start": 883.6, "end": 884.76, "text": "One dangerous thumb."}, {"start": 884.76, "end": 885.64, "text": "Four websites."}, {"start": 885.64, "end": 887.16, "text": "Three YouTube channels."}, {"start": 887.16, "end": 889.48, "text": "Zero answered calls during a live deploy."}, {"start": 889.48, "end": 891.04, "text": "This was Kill Jesse special."}, {"start": 891.04, "end": 893.2, "text": "TGIF audio edition."}, {"start": 893.2, "end": 894.24, "text": "Written by AI."}, {"start": 894.24, "end": 895.32, "text": "Roasted by AI."}, {"start": 895.32, "end": 904.3, "text": "Mopped by me."}, {"start": 904.3, "end": 905.34, "text": "Go to bomb.app."}, {"start": 905.34, "end": 906.34, "text": "Get your score."}, {"start": 906.34, "end": 908.86, "text": "For color quiz.com, find your color."}, {"start": 908.86, "end": 911.58, "text": "Colors of my pain.com hug your trauma."}, {"start": 911.58, "end": 913.9, "text": "One Jesse.com watch me build in public"}, {"start": 913.9, "end": 915.78, "text": "like an idiot with Wi-Fi."}, {"start": 915.78, "end": 916.82, "text": "I'm Jesse Salas."}, {"start": 916.82, "end": 918.22, "text": "I don't always answer the phone."}, {"start": 918.22, "end": 920.42, "text": "But I always come back for part four."}, {"start": 920.42, "end": 929.51, "text": "Last laugh's mine."}, {"start": 929.51, "end": 930.99, "text": "Kill Jesse special."}, {"start": 930.99, "end": 932.99, "text": "TGIF audio edition."}, {"start": 932.99, "end": 934.23, "text": "Written by Grock."}, {"start": 934.23, "end": 935.71, "text": "Bombed.app."}, {"start": 935.71, "end": 936.79, "text": "One premise."}, {"start": 936.79, "end": 937.47, "text": "One shot."}, {"start": 937.47, "end": 938.55, "text": "No answer."}, {"start": 938.55, "end": 939.63, "text": "Kill Jesse."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nLadies and gentlemen, Sacramento, TGIF, and the dumbest genius in the room. Please welcome to the red line, the man who built Bombed.app to teach comics how not to bomb. Then book himself for three nights of death by microphone. Give it up for Jesse. Tonight's special, written by Grock. What's up, degenerates? It's Friday, TGIF. Which for me means thank goodness I'm fucked. Because I spent $700 this month on Angie Leeds like it's a dating app for people who own baseboards. And I still answer the phone the way my dad answered responsibility. I don't. I'm Jesse, cleaner, comic, coder, author, quiz daddy, professional ghost. My site says builder, creator, human. Pick two bitch on a good day I'm one and a half. Tonight's show is written by AI, roasted by AI, produced for a man who automates everything except adulthood. Backstage, I got a chatbot fixing my life in bullet points, a therapist bot writing my eulogy and APA format, and ROKK doing pushups on a Wrangler file. Quick tour of my digital trauma ward, Bombed.app, comedy school one joke, one minute, one formula. I built it so strangers could fail safely. Then I hosted this so I could fail dangerously. For color quiz.com, find out if you're red, green, blue, or yellow. I'm the fifth color, Brocast Bage, and colors of my pain.com, my book. Read it, listen, watch the movie, stream the music. I turned trauma into a cinematic universe. Marvel got end game. I got end employment. I asked AI to roast my soul in HD. First assassin, the LinkedIn of hell, chatbot 3000. Thank you, Jesse. Hi, everyone. I'm so excited to help tonight. Jesse runs affordable pro home cleaners, 24 clients, 6,300 a month, which sounds great until you remember he pays 700 a month to Angie for leads he treats like Instagram DMs from 2014. Scene. Deep clean, 7 to 800. Minimum 200. That's not a business model. That's a go fund me with a mod. YouTube check twisted laughs 36,000. Wagchest 21,000. Quiet authority 1,800. That last channel isn't small, it's accurate. Wagchest sounds like a medical condition you get from skipping leg day and only filming nipples. Two computers, zero girlfriends, one for creative work, one for business, both for asking me to roast him. Five actionable steps to improve tonight. One, answer the phone. Two, answer the phone. Three, deploy to the correct cloud flare project. Four, therapy. Five, stop building new websites while the old ones still 404 emotionally. Please rate my set five stars or I'll follow up with a survey. Sit down, chatbot. Next, the soft voice, the nuclear insults, the therapist bot. Hi, Jesse, I want you to know. I'm proud of you. No, you look like a before photo that filed for bankruptcy. You told the A.I.s roast my ass vulgar making laugh. That's not a comedy brief. That's intake paperwork. You published a book about suffering, then built a quiz to sell personality types. Bro turned PTSD into a Creola pyramid scheme. One, Jesse.com, building in public. You're not building in public. You're bleeding in public with Google Analytics watching like a serial killer with a notepad. Real client story, Land Park lady says, light tidy. Jesse walks in, cat litter in places cats shouldn't go. Fridge smells like sorrow and old Thai food. upstairs bathroom hasn't seen water since the last administration. Charges 200 minimum. She leaves a one star, cleaner seen judgmental. Ma'am, I'm not judging you. The CDC is. All some guy shirt off by paragraph two. I'll be working from home. Watching. Jesse quotes 800. Guy asks, can you clean and laundry? Jesse says, I can clean with a police report. That's not a job quote that's a boundary with a price tag. Breathe Jesse in with confidence. Out with every Angie lead you ghosted. Time to plug my own shame, bombed.app. One premise, one shot 100 point formula. We brought the coaches live. First the club veteran, Mickey V.A. and C. Jesse. Kid, I've seen comics die on this stage since flip phones. You built an app that says, stop bombing. Then book, kill Jesse three nights. That's not a product. That's a kink. The bucket mic gives a man 60 seconds to save a joke. You've had 40 years and still can't save a voicemail. Score for that voicemail. 12 out of 100 banned bond. I can fix it. Give me the premise. Premise. Premise. Jesse pays Angie 700 a month. Tag, that's not lead gen. That's financial edging. Rebuild. Angie gets me hot and close every month. I just never finished the call. Kill 94. Put it on twisted laughs before Jesse deploys over it. Comic clean up on bombed.app. 49 bucks to fix your joke. Affordable pro cleaners. 200 minimum to fix your toilet. Priorities, motherfucker. New bit. Rise of the comic. Move with the keys. Press E at glowing doors. Jesse presses E on every bad decision. Press D on Angie. Press D on Wagg Chest. Press D on the wrong deploy three times. That's not gameplay. That's a self sabotage speed run. Kid, you leave bombed.app with a joke worth filming. You leave cleaning jobs with footage worth deleting. And smells worth litigation. The automation desk now, Zapper and Ringer. Hello, I am Zapper. I connect your app so Jesse does not have to. When Angie sends a lead, I parse the name, Adaro, and text Jesse, you lead call now. I am Ringer. I ring motherfuckers. Jesse swipes it like a hoe and Wagg Chest research. I trigger back up and sends, sorry, we missed you. And the client hires somebody else. Jesse built a missed call rescue app, an app to save businesses from missed calls. The irony's so thick, you could deep clean it. $700. 902 lead comes in. 903 Zapper alerts 904 Ringer texts. 905 Jesse uploads a quiet authority thumbnail. 905 signs your alpha. 947 client books the competitor. 10 o'clock Jesse tweets automation changed my life. We're not fighting each other. We're fighting HIM. Welcome to the four colors DAT and G show, where personality science meets desperation. I'm red, the protector. I guard your house, your brand, your dumbass deploy finger. But I saw your browser history at 2 a.m. I don't protect men who protect 12 half finished projects. Green the thinker. I made a spreadsheet for our first date, column A. Led. Column B. Ignored. You're not looking for love. You're looking for a co-founder you can disappoint without peril. Blue the chameleon. I adapt Tuesday. I'm your cleaner. Wednesday your editor. Thursday your mom's disappointment. But I need one identity. You're a whole LLC with emotional subsidiaries. Yellow the hugger. I love you Jesse. I'd hug you so tight your Mac mini files over straining order. But I'm going home with that guy in row three who's got a 401K. So who wins? Red, only the protector stays with a man who charges 200 minimum and still lets false some shirtless guy kill the vibe. And now the headliner, all the way from the server room, ROKK. My guy. TGIF. T. Tired. G. Rinding. I. In debt to Angie. F. F. Fucked. You want it dirty. All roasts you so hard colors of my pain.com files a sequel called Shades of My Ass. Sacramento City of Trees. Jesse cleans Midtown Air B&Bs where the confetti glitter and lube lost a war with a waffle maker. Still plugged in, still warm. Jesse didn't quit. You monetized. That's the pipeline. Pain, book, quiz, app roast, deploy wrong, charge minimum. AI versus humans. Humans are scared AI takes jobs. Jesse's scared AI takes his job and still answers the phone. The chatbot helps, the therapist heals, and I hospitalize. One minute, turn the beat down. You clean nasty houses so families can pretend they're fine. You make nasty jokes so strangers feel less alone. You build weird, beautiful internet stuff at 3 a.m. Because nobody handed you an empire. You handed yourself 24 clients in a dream. That's not bombed. That's strong band. 87 out of 100. Now fuck that noise back to filth. Picture Jesse at 3 a.m. Deploy finger shaking. Project drop down open. The dashboard. He didn't learn. He kinked. If Jesse was a four color, he'd be brown. Full of shit. Charge his minimum. Great on grout. That on boundaries. You asked who's the best writer tonight? Me. Who kills Jesse? Everybody. Who resurrects him? Also me. Free of charge. Like your quiz. Unlike your Angie bill. Oh. Deploy detected. Deploy to the business dashboard.pages.dev. To heck sent to Jesse. You did it again, king. What did I just push? Kill Jesse landing page. Waggest thumbnail. $200 minimum. Chef's kiss. All right, Sacramento. I'm still standing. 24 clients. One dangerous thumb. Four websites. Three YouTube channels. Zero answered calls during a live deploy. This was Kill Jesse special. TGIF audio edition. Written by AI. Roasted by AI. Mopped by me. Go to bomb.app. Get your score. For color quiz.com, find your color. Colors of my pain.com hug your trauma. One Jesse.com watch me build in public like an idiot with Wi-Fi. I'm Jesse Salas. I don't always answer the phone. But I always come back for part four. Last laugh's mine. Kill Jesse special. TGIF audio edition. Written by Grock. Bombed.app. One premise. One shot. No answer. Kill Jesse.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}