{"file": "conf_shit_midas_dictionary_TG.mp3", "duration_sec": 262.0, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.18, "end": 11.18, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club."}, {"start": 11.18, "end": 21.68, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.68, "end": 28.18, "text": "This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 28.18, "end": 41.22, "text": "Now that you filthy bastards know what a shit-midus is, tonight I'm teaching you the whole damn language because my life's so uniquely fucked it needed its own dictionary."}, {"start": 41.22, "end": 43.22, "text": "Class is in session."}, {"start": 43.22, "end": 48.87, "text": "Word 1 to get Midas D."}, {"start": 48.87, "end": 54.87, "text": "That's a verb, motherfuckers. It's when your sure thing turns to shit at the exact wrong second."}, {"start": 54.87, "end": 64.87, "text": "How'd the business go Jesse? Oh I got Midas D. A light switch took down my whole grow. Use it in a sentence. Use it with pride."}, {"start": 64.87, "end": 83.98, "text": "Word 2 a reverse gold. That's the money you made that somebody else walked away with. I'm the richest broke bastard alive in reverse gold. I invented American Idol. Pure reverse gold. My garbage pale kids. A whole shoebox of reverse fucking gold."}, {"start": 83.98, "end": 105.49, "text": "Word 3 spider might look. That's when a tiny stupid microscopic piece of bullshit destroys your entire damn empire. Bugged the size of a comma eats 60 grand of weed. Spider might look. Wrong text to the wrong woman ends a five-year relationship. Grade A spider might look motherfuckers."}, {"start": 105.49, "end": 124.15, "text": "Word 4 a 48 hour Santa. That's a man forced to give everything away right before he loses it anyway. I was handing out pounds of weed like a stone criss-cringle to dodge the cops. Ho ho ho everything must go. The raids on Thursday."}, {"start": 124.15, "end": 142.9, "text": "Word 5 the big one pulling a full Jesse. That's when you do every single thing right and still eat shit sideways. You showed up, you worked hard, you followed the rules and the universe still kicked you in the balls. That my friends is a full Jesse."}, {"start": 142.9, "end": 156.72, "text": "And when it's really bad, when it's cosmic, when even the sky's laughing at you, that's a cosmic cock sucker. That's when you look up and know somebody upstairs is fucking with you for sport."}, {"start": 157.72, "end": 172.1, "text": "See, most people got no words for their bad luck so they just cry. But not us motherfuckers. We got a whole damn vocabulary. When you can name the shit that's happened into you, you take its power and you turn a tragedy into a fucking punch line."}, {"start": 174.86, "end": 184.86, "text": "So next time your life falls apart, you filthy beautiful bastards don't panic. Diagnose it. Is this a spider might look situation or did I just pull a full Jesse?"}, {"start": 184.86, "end": 207.64, "text": "Congratulations, you just laughed instead of cried. That's the whole damn cure. That's the shit might as dictionary motherfuckers. Learn the words, spread the words and remember we don't have money, but we got the funniest damn language for being broke that anybody ever invented. The hammer. Good night you filthy motherfuckers."}, {"start": 207.64, "end": 241.78, "text": "And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep. We're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 241.78, "end": 256.78, "text": "Go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Now that you filthy bastards know what a shit-midus is, tonight I'm teaching you the whole damn language because my life's so uniquely fucked it needed its own dictionary. Class is in session. Word 1 to get Midas D. That's a verb, motherfuckers. It's when your sure thing turns to shit at the exact wrong second. How'd the business go Jesse? Oh I got Midas D. A light switch took down my whole grow. Use it in a sentence. Use it with pride. Word 2 a reverse gold. That's the money you made that somebody else walked away with. I'm the richest broke bastard alive in reverse gold. I invented American Idol. Pure reverse gold. My garbage pale kids. A whole shoebox of reverse fucking gold. Word 3 spider might look. That's when a tiny stupid microscopic piece of bullshit destroys your entire damn empire. Bugged the size of a comma eats 60 grand of weed. Spider might look. Wrong text to the wrong woman ends a five-year relationship. Grade A spider might look motherfuckers. Word 4 a 48 hour Santa. That's a man forced to give everything away right before he loses it anyway. I was handing out pounds of weed like a stone criss-cringle to dodge the cops. Ho ho ho everything must go. The raids on Thursday. Word 5 the big one pulling a full Jesse. That's when you do every single thing right and still eat shit sideways. You showed up, you worked hard, you followed the rules and the universe still kicked you in the balls. That my friends is a full Jesse. And when it's really bad, when it's cosmic, when even the sky's laughing at you, that's a cosmic cock sucker. That's when you look up and know somebody upstairs is fucking with you for sport. See, most people got no words for their bad luck so they just cry. But not us motherfuckers. We got a whole damn vocabulary. When you can name the shit that's happened into you, you take its power and you turn a tragedy into a fucking punch line. So next time your life falls apart, you filthy beautiful bastards don't panic. Diagnose it. Is this a spider might look situation or did I just pull a full Jesse? Congratulations, you just laughed instead of cried. That's the whole damn cure. That's the shit might as dictionary motherfuckers. Learn the words, spread the words and remember we don't have money, but we got the funniest damn language for being broke that anybody ever invented. The hammer. Good night you filthy motherfuckers. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep. We're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}