{"file": "conf_shit_midas_TG.mp3", "duration_sec": 245.3, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.18, "end": 11.18, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club."}, {"start": 11.18, "end": 21.18, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.18, "end": 28.18, "text": "This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 28.18, "end": 41.54, "text": "Alright, you filthy degenerates. Tonight, I'm gonna give you a brand new word, a word for what I am, and by the end of this bit, every one of you filthy bastards is gonna be using it."}, {"start": 41.54, "end": 56.35, "text": "You all know King Midas, right? Everything that lucky prick touch turned to gold. Well, I'm his evil fucking twin. Everything I touch turns to shit. Or worse, it turns to gold for somebody else."}, {"start": 56.35, "end": 75.2, "text": "I'm the shit Midas, motherfuckers, write it down. That's the word, shit Midas. A man so cursed that his golden touch got the wires crossed at the damn factory. I don't turn lead into gold. I turn gold into a fucking spider mite infestation and a note on the door."}, {"start": 77.7, "end": 86.7, "text": "You want to know if you're a shit Midas too, you filthy bastards. Here's the test. You ever buy a stock the exact damn day before it dies? Shit Midas."}, {"start": 86.7, "end": 98.43, "text": "You ever start a business right before a pandemic? Grade A certified mother fucking shit Midas. I bought a self-driving car that couldn't drive? Shit Midas."}, {"start": 98.43, "end": 109.43, "text": "Grue weed right before it was legal and lost it all. Shit Midas. Gave a stripper trading cards now worth a fortune. Shit Midas supreme, extra cheese. Hold the fucking dignity."}, {"start": 109.43, "end": 127.54, "text": "See, a normal man fails sometimes. A shit Midas fails professionally. It's a talent. I could win the lottery and the check would bounce. I could find a bag of cash and it'd be counterfeit and on fire. That's not bad luck, motherfuckers. That's a gift."}, {"start": 127.54, "end": 148.2, "text": "And the beautiful part about being the shit Midas consistency. You always know how it ends. Somebody goes, Jesse this is a sure thing. You can't lose. And I already got the eulogy written. Here lies the money. It was good while it lasted. Signed the shit Midas."}, {"start": 148.2, "end": 150.2, "text": "Oh!"}, {"start": 182.84, "end": 190.84, "text": "But I turned the shit into a punch line and that's the only gold a man like me ever needed. The hammer. Good night you filthy motherfuckers."}, {"start": 190.84, "end": 216.47, "text": "And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down. 24 hours, 7 days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 216.47, "end": 227.47, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something. So is he. Always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 227.47, "end": 239.47, "text": "Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club. Tonight, the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Alright, you filthy degenerates. Tonight, I'm gonna give you a brand new word, a word for what I am, and by the end of this bit, every one of you filthy bastards is gonna be using it. You all know King Midas, right? Everything that lucky prick touch turned to gold. Well, I'm his evil fucking twin. Everything I touch turns to shit. Or worse, it turns to gold for somebody else. I'm the shit Midas, motherfuckers, write it down. That's the word, shit Midas. A man so cursed that his golden touch got the wires crossed at the damn factory. I don't turn lead into gold. I turn gold into a fucking spider mite infestation and a note on the door. You want to know if you're a shit Midas too, you filthy bastards. Here's the test. You ever buy a stock the exact damn day before it dies? Shit Midas. You ever start a business right before a pandemic? Grade A certified mother fucking shit Midas. I bought a self-driving car that couldn't drive? Shit Midas. Grue weed right before it was legal and lost it all. Shit Midas. Gave a stripper trading cards now worth a fortune. Shit Midas supreme, extra cheese. Hold the fucking dignity. See, a normal man fails sometimes. A shit Midas fails professionally. It's a talent. I could win the lottery and the check would bounce. I could find a bag of cash and it'd be counterfeit and on fire. That's not bad luck, motherfuckers. That's a gift. And the beautiful part about being the shit Midas consistency. You always know how it ends. Somebody goes, Jesse this is a sure thing. You can't lose. And I already got the eulogy written. Here lies the money. It was good while it lasted. Signed the shit Midas. Oh! But I turned the shit into a punch line and that's the only gold a man like me ever needed. The hammer. Good night you filthy motherfuckers. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down. 24 hours, 7 days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something. So is he. Always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}