{"file": "conf2_worst_timing_TG.mp3", "duration_sec": 274.7, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.18, "end": 9.7, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the"}, {"start": 9.7, "end": 11.7, "text": "Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.7, "end": 16.94, "text": "Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup"}, {"start": 16.94, "end": 21.18, "text": "of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary"}, {"start": 21.18, "end": 22.18, "text": "tale."}, {"start": 22.18, "end": 24.18, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 24.18, "end": 25.58, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.58, "end": 27.02, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 27.02, "end": 31.82, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 31.82, "end": 35.38, "text": "Let me confess my greatest fucking talent, you filthy degenerates."}, {"start": 35.38, "end": 38.74, "text": "I have the worst timing of any son of a bitch who ever lived."}, {"start": 38.74, "end": 40.58, "text": "I don't miss the boat, motherfuckers."}, {"start": 40.58, "end": 47.9, "text": "I buy a ticket, show up early and watch it sink from the damn dock."}, {"start": 47.9, "end": 49.14, "text": "So picture this shit."}, {"start": 49.14, "end": 51.06, "text": "I just bought the Tesla, right?"}, {"start": 51.06, "end": 55.38, "text": "Rocket ship, white seats, the whole broke ass dream, and then I get it in my head, I'm"}, {"start": 55.38, "end": 57.5, "text": "going to prison over all my fighting."}, {"start": 57.5, "end": 62.09, "text": "So what does this genius do?"}, {"start": 62.09, "end": 63.89, "text": "I go by another damn car."}, {"start": 63.89, "end": 65.93, "text": "A brand new Hyundai electric."}, {"start": 65.93, "end": 70.57, "text": "Because apparently my dumb ass logic was, well, if I'm going to jail, better not put miles"}, {"start": 70.57, "end": 71.65, "text": "on the good one."}, {"start": 71.65, "end": 77.2, "text": "Who the fuck buys a backup car for prison?"}, {"start": 77.2, "end": 82.4, "text": "So now I got two electric cars, no money, and I'm parking my $60,000 Tesla in the driveway"}, {"start": 82.4, "end": 89.2, "text": "like a fucking museum piece, driving the Hyundai around waiting to get locked up."}, {"start": 89.2, "end": 91.72, "text": "And you want to know the punchline motherfuckers?"}, {"start": 91.72, "end": 93.24, "text": "I didn't go to prison."}, {"start": 93.24, "end": 95.88, "text": "All that panic, a whole extra car for nothing."}, {"start": 95.88, "end": 101.0, "text": "I'm the only bastard alive who prepared for jail like it was a damn hurricane."}, {"start": 101.0, "end": 107.96, "text": "Better stock up on Hyundai's boys, a sentence is coming."}, {"start": 107.96, "end": 109.48, "text": "So fine, no jail."}, {"start": 109.48, "end": 112.96, "text": "I pull the Tesla back out, ready to finally make my ride share fortune."}, {"start": 112.96, "end": 117.72, "text": "I'm pumped, I'm going to clean up, and the exact fucking second I'm ready to drive."}, {"start": 117.72, "end": 121.18, "text": "COVID hits."}, {"start": 121.18, "end": 125.42, "text": "The one time in human history it became illegal to have a stranger in your back seat, and"}, {"start": 125.42, "end": 128.38, "text": "that's the moment I chose to start driving people around."}, {"start": 128.38, "end": 134.48, "text": "My timing is so bad I launched a ride share career during a plague."}, {"start": 134.48, "end": 138.8, "text": "The whole damn plan it's hiding inside, terrified to breathe on each other, and I'm out there"}, {"start": 138.8, "end": 140.32, "text": "going uber, anybody?"}, {"start": 140.32, "end": 142.16, "text": "I got white seats in a death wish."}, {"start": 142.16, "end": 149.16, "text": "I was the loneliest man in a mask, holding a phone that never rang."}, {"start": 149.16, "end": 151.24, "text": "And here's the shit that really twists the knife."}, {"start": 151.24, "end": 154.4, "text": "I started three years too late, three years."}, {"start": 154.4, "end": 158.24, "text": "Every other bastard was out there making real money driving Teslas when the getting was"}, {"start": 158.24, "end": 159.24, "text": "good."}, {"start": 159.24, "end": 164.0, "text": "The time I showed up, the party was over, the gas was expensive, and the tips were fucking"}, {"start": 164.0, "end": 168.35, "text": "gone."}, {"start": 168.35, "end": 170.79, "text": "That's my whole life in a nutshell, motherfuckers."}, {"start": 170.79, "end": 174.99, "text": "I always show up to the gold rush right after they closed the mine and turned it into a damn"}, {"start": 174.99, "end": 179.6, "text": "chucky cheese."}, {"start": 179.6, "end": 182.96, "text": "I could time travel back to any moment in history and still fuck it up."}, {"start": 182.96, "end": 185.28, "text": "I'd land in ancient Egypt and go pyramids."}, {"start": 185.28, "end": 186.76, "text": "Nah, too risky."}, {"start": 186.76, "end": 192.18, "text": "Let me invest in this promise in little sandbox."}, {"start": 192.18, "end": 195.18, "text": "So roast me all you want, you beautiful bastards."}, {"start": 195.18, "end": 200.1, "text": "I bought a prison car for a prison I never went to, started a taxi service during a pandemic"}, {"start": 200.1, "end": 206.65, "text": "and joined the Tesla money train three years after it left the fucking station."}, {"start": 206.65, "end": 208.53, "text": "But that's the confession motherfuckers."}, {"start": 208.53, "end": 211.45, "text": "I keep showing up late, broke, and wrong."}, {"start": 211.45, "end": 213.37, "text": "And I keep showing the fuck up."}, {"start": 213.37, "end": 217.53, "text": "And one of these damn days, my terrible time in is gonna be perfect."}, {"start": 217.53, "end": 218.53, "text": "The hammer."}, {"start": 218.53, "end": 227.22, "text": "Good night, you filthy motherfuckers."}, {"start": 227.22, "end": 229.52, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 229.52, "end": 235.96, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand"}, {"start": 235.96, "end": 237.72, "text": "new comic steps up."}, {"start": 237.72, "end": 243.4, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 243.4, "end": 246.96, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 246.96, "end": 249.04, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 249.04, "end": 252.32, "text": "Going through something so is he, always."}, {"start": 252.32, "end": 254.64, "text": "So come back, you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 254.64, "end": 259.64, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds."}, {"start": 259.64, "end": 265.24, "text": "The red line comedy club, open all night because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's"}, {"start": 265.24, "end": 266.24, "text": "fault."}, {"start": 266.24, "end": 268.8, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention."}, {"start": 268.8, "end": 269.16, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Let me confess my greatest fucking talent, you filthy degenerates. I have the worst timing of any son of a bitch who ever lived. I don't miss the boat, motherfuckers. I buy a ticket, show up early and watch it sink from the damn dock. So picture this shit. I just bought the Tesla, right? Rocket ship, white seats, the whole broke ass dream, and then I get it in my head, I'm going to prison over all my fighting. So what does this genius do? I go by another damn car. A brand new Hyundai electric. Because apparently my dumb ass logic was, well, if I'm going to jail, better not put miles on the good one. Who the fuck buys a backup car for prison? So now I got two electric cars, no money, and I'm parking my $60,000 Tesla in the driveway like a fucking museum piece, driving the Hyundai around waiting to get locked up. And you want to know the punchline motherfuckers? I didn't go to prison. All that panic, a whole extra car for nothing. I'm the only bastard alive who prepared for jail like it was a damn hurricane. Better stock up on Hyundai's boys, a sentence is coming. So fine, no jail. I pull the Tesla back out, ready to finally make my ride share fortune. I'm pumped, I'm going to clean up, and the exact fucking second I'm ready to drive. COVID hits. The one time in human history it became illegal to have a stranger in your back seat, and that's the moment I chose to start driving people around. My timing is so bad I launched a ride share career during a plague. The whole damn plan it's hiding inside, terrified to breathe on each other, and I'm out there going uber, anybody? I got white seats in a death wish. I was the loneliest man in a mask, holding a phone that never rang. And here's the shit that really twists the knife. I started three years too late, three years. Every other bastard was out there making real money driving Teslas when the getting was good. The time I showed up, the party was over, the gas was expensive, and the tips were fucking gone. That's my whole life in a nutshell, motherfuckers. I always show up to the gold rush right after they closed the mine and turned it into a damn chucky cheese. I could time travel back to any moment in history and still fuck it up. I'd land in ancient Egypt and go pyramids. Nah, too risky. Let me invest in this promise in little sandbox. So roast me all you want, you beautiful bastards. I bought a prison car for a prison I never went to, started a taxi service during a pandemic and joined the Tesla money train three years after it left the fucking station. But that's the confession motherfuckers. I keep showing up late, broke, and wrong. And I keep showing the fuck up. And one of these damn days, my terrible time in is gonna be perfect. The hammer. Good night, you filthy motherfuckers. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he, always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds. The red line comedy club, open all night because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}