{"file": "conf2_tesla_saga_TG.mp3", "duration_sec": 301.2, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.18, "end": 11.18, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club."}, {"start": 11.18, "end": 21.68, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.68, "end": 28.18, "text": "This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 31.72, "end": 44.72, "text": "Now for a confession that still makes me want to cry into my damn steering wheel. The day I bought the Tesla, September 20th, 2018 motherfuckers, the dumbest smart purchase of my whole fucking life."}, {"start": 44.72, "end": 56.53, "text": "I bought it on the last day. The very last day they offered free power forever, unlimited supercharging, no gas, free electricity till I'm dead."}, {"start": 56.53, "end": 64.53, "text": "And this broke bastard thought, this is it. This is how I finally win. Spoiler alert, you filthy degenerates. It was not."}, {"start": 66.53, "end": 80.53, "text": "Tesla Model 3 Performance, White Seats, a damn rocket ship. And you know what the salesman told me? Looking me dead in the eye? Jesse, this car will drive itself. Pick up customers on its own. You can stay home and just collect the money."}, {"start": 83.72, "end": 100.22, "text": "And I believed him. I sat there, a grown 50 year old man, nodding like a damn bobblehead. Picture in my car out there, hustlin' fairs while I'm on my couch in my underwear, countin' cash. That's the dream they sold me motherfuckers. That's the fucking fairy tale."}, {"start": 100.22, "end": 113.51, "text": "You know what my car actually did by itself? Nothing. Not a damn thing. That self-driving shit was so sketchy back then it had tried to merge into a concrete wall like it had a death wish."}, {"start": 113.51, "end": 134.66, "text": "I couldn't let that lunatic robot near a paying customer. It drove like me after the edibles. So there's screw number one, but it gets worse you beautiful bastards. Cause I thought spending all that money on a fancy ass Tesla would get me Uber Black, the premium rides, the big money."}, {"start": 134.66, "end": 148.66, "text": "I call up Uber all proud. I got a Tesla now, put me in the black car money and they go, oh sorry sir, you need a Model S or X for that. A Model 3, that's just a regular car."}, {"start": 148.66, "end": 162.48, "text": "A regular car. I spent super car money and they paid me Corolla wages. I was haulin' drunks around in a $60,000 rocket for the same $4 as a dude in a 15 year old camera."}, {"start": 162.48, "end": 181.69, "text": "My car was too good for the job and still underpaid just like its damn owner. And screw number three, the passengers. You'd think people would be grateful rightin' in a beautiful Tesla, right? Wrong. They climbed in and roasted my white seats like a bunch of filthy critics."}, {"start": 181.69, "end": 199.69, "text": "Oh! White seats in a ride chair, bold choice. Yeah mother fucker, real bold. Now put your greasy taco finger somewhere else before I charge you a clean and fee for existence. I spent 11 years defending the honor of a poultry to people who wouldn't tip a dollar."}, {"start": 199.69, "end": 218.74, "text": "So let's tally it up, you filthy degenerates. I bought a self-driving car that couldn't drive itself. For premium money I never got, with white seats everybody hated on a deadline to chase a dream that never showed the fuck up."}, {"start": 218.74, "end": 233.74, "text": "That's the most me thing that ever happened. I'm the only man alive who got outhustled by his own car. It just sat in the driveway lookin' pretty and appreciatin' in value while I drove it into the ground makin' minimum wage. Even my damn car did better than me."}, {"start": 236.73, "end": 249.73, "text": "But here's the confession under the confession, motherfuckers. I do it again. Cause for one beautiful second on September 20th I believed I was gonna win and a broke dreamer will pay full price for one second of hope every damn time."}, {"start": 249.73, "end": 268.96, "text": "And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 268.96, "end": 283.96, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he, always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 283.96, "end": 295.96, "text": "Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club open all night. Because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Now for a confession that still makes me want to cry into my damn steering wheel. The day I bought the Tesla, September 20th, 2018 motherfuckers, the dumbest smart purchase of my whole fucking life. I bought it on the last day. The very last day they offered free power forever, unlimited supercharging, no gas, free electricity till I'm dead. And this broke bastard thought, this is it. This is how I finally win. Spoiler alert, you filthy degenerates. It was not. Tesla Model 3 Performance, White Seats, a damn rocket ship. And you know what the salesman told me? Looking me dead in the eye? Jesse, this car will drive itself. Pick up customers on its own. You can stay home and just collect the money. And I believed him. I sat there, a grown 50 year old man, nodding like a damn bobblehead. Picture in my car out there, hustlin' fairs while I'm on my couch in my underwear, countin' cash. That's the dream they sold me motherfuckers. That's the fucking fairy tale. You know what my car actually did by itself? Nothing. Not a damn thing. That self-driving shit was so sketchy back then it had tried to merge into a concrete wall like it had a death wish. I couldn't let that lunatic robot near a paying customer. It drove like me after the edibles. So there's screw number one, but it gets worse you beautiful bastards. Cause I thought spending all that money on a fancy ass Tesla would get me Uber Black, the premium rides, the big money. I call up Uber all proud. I got a Tesla now, put me in the black car money and they go, oh sorry sir, you need a Model S or X for that. A Model 3, that's just a regular car. A regular car. I spent super car money and they paid me Corolla wages. I was haulin' drunks around in a $60,000 rocket for the same $4 as a dude in a 15 year old camera. My car was too good for the job and still underpaid just like its damn owner. And screw number three, the passengers. You'd think people would be grateful rightin' in a beautiful Tesla, right? Wrong. They climbed in and roasted my white seats like a bunch of filthy critics. Oh! White seats in a ride chair, bold choice. Yeah mother fucker, real bold. Now put your greasy taco finger somewhere else before I charge you a clean and fee for existence. I spent 11 years defending the honor of a poultry to people who wouldn't tip a dollar. So let's tally it up, you filthy degenerates. I bought a self-driving car that couldn't drive itself. For premium money I never got, with white seats everybody hated on a deadline to chase a dream that never showed the fuck up. That's the most me thing that ever happened. I'm the only man alive who got outhustled by his own car. It just sat in the driveway lookin' pretty and appreciatin' in value while I drove it into the ground makin' minimum wage. Even my damn car did better than me. But here's the confession under the confession, motherfuckers. I do it again. Cause for one beautiful second on September 20th I believed I was gonna win and a broke dreamer will pay full price for one second of hope every damn time. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he, always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club open all night. Because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}