{"file": "colors-of-my-pain-comedy-special-preview.mp3", "duration_sec": 1294.2, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 4.24, "text": "Every emotion has a color and his are mostly check engine light."}, {"start": 4.24, "end": 6.32, "text": "Live from the backseat of America,"}, {"start": 6.32, "end": 9.48, "text": "the man painting his trauma one fair at a time."}, {"start": 9.48, "end": 17.22, "text": "Jesse."}, {"start": 17.22, "end": 19.58, "text": "My therapist told me to name my feelings,"}, {"start": 19.58, "end": 29.86, "text": "so I named them and bought the domain colors of my pain.com."}, {"start": 29.86, "end": 36.81, "text": "It's already got more traffic than my actual feelings."}, {"start": 36.81, "end": 40.53, "text": "Every emotion has a color, mine are mostly check engine light,"}, {"start": 40.53, "end": 50.47, "text": "and one that just blinks low fuel that one's my love life."}, {"start": 50.47, "end": 51.99, "text": "First shade in the palette,"}, {"start": 51.99, "end": 54.39, "text": "you were passenger 1.47 AM,"}, {"start": 54.39, "end": 62.98, "text": "crying to a man he'll never see again."}, {"start": 62.98, "end": 65.98, "text": "Ride-chair taught me people don't need a confession booth."}, {"start": 65.98, "end": 76.16, "text": "They need a backseat and a low battery."}, {"start": 76.16, "end": 79.48, "text": "Drunk people get in my car and instantly become philosophers"}, {"start": 79.48, "end": 84.75, "text": "with Venmo death."}, {"start": 84.75, "end": 87.19, "text": "One drunk goes, you ever think love is fake?"}, {"start": 87.19, "end": 90.03, "text": "I said, sir, your destination is Taco Bell."}, {"start": 90.03, "end": 103.18, "text": "Both are temporary, only one comes with a receipt."}, {"start": 103.18, "end": 105.74, "text": "My car's heard more secrets than a church."}, {"start": 105.74, "end": 115.35, "text": "Church just has better parking and a worse rating system."}, {"start": 115.35, "end": 118.55, "text": "Ride-chair is therapy where the therapist can't talk back"}, {"start": 118.55, "end": 125.34, "text": "because he's working for tips and a five-star rating."}, {"start": 125.34, "end": 133.97, "text": "My pain color today, surge pricing red."}, {"start": 133.97, "end": 135.53, "text": "I don't judge my passengers."}, {"start": 135.53, "end": 138.21, "text": "I silently assign them Crayola trauma names."}, {"start": 138.21, "end": 141.33, "text": "You, sir, are burnt Sienna goes through it."}, {"start": 141.33, "end": 147.01, "text": "LAUGHTER"}, {"start": 147.01, "end": 151.29, "text": "Her breakup story was so long my GPS recalculated emotionally."}, {"start": 151.29, "end": 162.47, "text": "The robot lady went in one quarter mile, let it go."}, {"start": 162.47, "end": 164.03, "text": "He said, can I be honest?"}, {"start": 164.03, "end": 166.67, "text": "And I locked the doors with my soul."}, {"start": 166.67, "end": 173.03, "text": "LAUGHTER"}, {"start": 173.03, "end": 176.27, "text": "When a drunk says, you seem cool, buckle up."}, {"start": 176.27, "end": 187.25, "text": "The next sentence is about to become a felony adjacent podcast."}, {"start": 187.25, "end": 188.93, "text": "I picked up a couple mid-fight."}, {"start": 188.93, "end": 191.65, "text": "My backseat became a rolling divorce preview."}, {"start": 191.65, "end": 200.8, "text": "I didn't need GPS, I just followed the blame."}, {"start": 200.8, "end": 202.56, "text": "She goes, tell him he's wrong."}, {"start": 202.56, "end": 213.51, "text": "Ma'am, I'm the driver not judge Judy with lane assist."}, {"start": 213.51, "end": 216.11, "text": "My backseat's hosted more drama than Bravo,"}, {"start": 216.11, "end": 218.79, "text": "with worse lighting and a cleaner host."}, {"start": 218.79, "end": 224.72, "text": "LAUGHTER"}, {"start": 224.72, "end": 227.72, "text": "Colors of my pain.com started as a joke."}, {"start": 227.72, "end": 230.24, "text": "Then I drove three drunk nurses home,"}, {"start": 230.24, "end": 238.33, "text": "and it became a documentary."}, {"start": 238.33, "end": 241.93, "text": "Nurses party like they know exactly which organs can take it,"}, {"start": 241.93, "end": 251.7, "text": "and which ones are out of warranty."}, {"start": 251.7, "end": 254.42, "text": "A guy asked me if I believe in second chances,"}, {"start": 254.42, "end": 256.38, "text": "while his ex was still in the car."}, {"start": 256.38, "end": 260.26, "text": "I said, buddy, she believes in restraining orders."}, {"start": 260.26, "end": 266.02, "text": "LAUGHTER"}, {"start": 266.02, "end": 269.26, "text": "Rye Chair Rule, the second somebody says, quick stop."}, {"start": 269.26, "end": 274.46, "text": "You're about to meet their worst decision in person."}, {"start": 274.46, "end": 278.18, "text": "LAUGHTER"}, {"start": 278.18, "end": 281.66, "text": "My favorite color is passenger just added a stop, gray."}, {"start": 281.66, "end": 282.62, "text": "Close second."}, {"start": 282.62, "end": 291.69, "text": "This isn't the address I put in beige."}, {"start": 291.69, "end": 293.17, "text": "I don't need horror movies."}, {"start": 293.17, "end": 303.3, "text": "I've heard a grown man whisper, bro, can we swing by my exes?"}, {"start": 303.3, "end": 305.3, "text": "My air freshener says, new car."}, {"start": 305.3, "end": 307.5, "text": "My back seat says old wounds."}, {"start": 307.5, "end": 316.43, "text": "The smell is denial with a hint of vanilla."}, {"start": 316.43, "end": 319.07, "text": "A drunk girl told me I give father energy."}, {"start": 319.07, "end": 321.51, "text": "I said, that's not energy sweetheart."}, {"start": 321.51, "end": 331.74, "text": "That's just silence and financial fear."}, {"start": 331.74, "end": 333.9, "text": "The app says, driver arrived."}, {"start": 333.9, "end": 344.14, "text": "My nervous system says main character trauma has entered the vehicle."}, {"start": 344.14, "end": 349.22, "text": "25 colors, everyone earned it 2 a.m. for $4 and a one star review."}, {"start": 349.22, "end": 351.3, "text": "That's not a palette that's a crime scene."}, {"start": 351.3, "end": 359.34, "text": "Colors of my pain, part one."}, {"start": 359.34, "end": 362.22, "text": "25 shades of damage, zero stars deducted."}, {"start": 362.22, "end": 368.48, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 368.48, "end": 369.84, "text": "The palette continues."}, {"start": 369.84, "end": 373.76, "text": "More tequila, more confessions, more colors he never asked for."}, {"start": 373.76, "end": 382.14, "text": "Jesse, part two."}, {"start": 382.14, "end": 384.46, "text": "I learned everybody's got a story."}, {"start": 384.46, "end": 392.7, "text": "Most of them start after tequila."}, {"start": 392.7, "end": 395.34, "text": "One passenger cried because her man cheated."}, {"start": 395.34, "end": 397.02, "text": "Then she tipped me $1."}, {"start": 397.02, "end": 404.73, "text": "Healing is a journey."}, {"start": 404.73, "end": 412.02, "text": "My pain has colors, textures, and a cancellation fee."}, {"start": 412.02, "end": 423.65, "text": "Drunk passengers say, I'm not drunk, like my floor mats can't smell lies."}, {"start": 423.65, "end": 426.77, "text": "A guy got in and said, don't worry, I'm normal."}, {"start": 426.77, "end": 435.94, "text": "That is never how normal enters a vehicle."}, {"start": 435.94, "end": 446.46, "text": "My car is part ride share, part witness protection for bad decisions."}, {"start": 446.46, "end": 448.82, "text": "I should install a confessional screen."}, {"start": 448.82, "end": 458.9, "text": "Forgive me driver for I have texted."}, {"start": 458.9, "end": 460.78, "text": "The wildest words in ride share."}, {"start": 460.78, "end": 462.9, "text": "I'm meeting someone from Snapchat."}, {"start": 462.9, "end": 471.74, "text": "That's not a pick up, that's a date line pregame."}, {"start": 471.74, "end": 473.14, "text": "Tonight's pain color."}, {"start": 473.14, "end": 481.79, "text": "Phone a 2% passenger wants aux black."}, {"start": 481.79, "end": 483.87, "text": "Some passengers don't want a driver."}, {"start": 483.87, "end": 492.58, "text": "They want a neutral adult with cup holders."}, {"start": 492.58, "end": 494.38, "text": "I picked up a drunk accountant."}, {"start": 494.38, "end": 496.18, "text": "Even his crying had spreadsheets."}, {"start": 496.18, "end": 505.7, "text": "He was sobbing in columns."}, {"start": 505.7, "end": 507.38, "text": "He said, my life is a mess."}, {"start": 507.38, "end": 510.18, "text": "I said, well you enter the pick up pin wrong so?"}, {"start": 510.18, "end": 517.1, "text": "Yeah."}, {"start": 517.1, "end": 521.22, "text": "Every Friday, the city turns into group therapy with traffic laws."}, {"start": 524.78, "end": 527.34, "text": "I know too much about strangers' marriages,"}, {"start": 527.34, "end": 536.03, "text": "and not enough about my own tire pressure."}, {"start": 536.03, "end": 540.47, "text": "Colors of my pain.com needs a ride share tab, backseat confessions."}, {"start": 540.47, "end": 543.03, "text": "First confession, I still love him."}, {"start": 543.03, "end": 553.86, "text": "Second confession, can you stop at Jack in the box?"}, {"start": 553.86, "end": 557.78, "text": "People tell the truth in my car because they think they'll never see me again."}, {"start": 557.78, "end": 566.2, "text": "Same reason I do karaoke."}, {"start": 566.2, "end": 568.28, "text": "A drunk man gave me life advice."}, {"start": 568.28, "end": 576.43, "text": "His pants were inside out."}, {"start": 576.43, "end": 577.87, "text": "He said, never settle."}, {"start": 577.87, "end": 588.66, "text": "I said, sir, your destination is your mom's house."}, {"start": 588.66, "end": 591.26, "text": "My car is seen love, heartbreak, the trail,"}, {"start": 591.26, "end": 600.28, "text": "and a man eating nachos like time was fake."}, {"start": 600.28, "end": 607.72, "text": "I used to fear silence, then I picked up four drunk cousins."}, {"start": 607.72, "end": 610.28, "text": "Family drama in a ride share hits different."}, {"start": 610.28, "end": 619.58, "text": "Nobody can storm out at 45 miles an hour."}, {"start": 619.58, "end": 621.06, "text": "I don't need therapy homework."}, {"start": 621.06, "end": 628.19, "text": "I need Scotch guard."}, {"start": 628.19, "end": 631.19, "text": "Every drunk passenger thinks they're handing me wisdom."}, {"start": 631.19, "end": 633.31, "text": "It just help reviews from the soul."}, {"start": 633.31, "end": 635.31, "text": "Three stars would spiral again."}, {"start": 635.31, "end": 643.12, "text": "Colors of my pain, part two."}, {"start": 643.12, "end": 645.2, "text": "25 more colors, zero tire pressure."}, {"start": 645.2, "end": 651.44, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 651.44, "end": 652.44, "text": "The pallet deepens."}, {"start": 652.44, "end": 653.76, "text": "More colors, more damage."}, {"start": 653.76, "end": 656.12, "text": "Same broke man with a five star rating."}, {"start": 656.12, "end": 664.69, "text": "Jesse, part three."}, {"start": 664.69, "end": 666.17, "text": "Tonight's pain color."}, {"start": 666.17, "end": 669.05, "text": "Someone spilled a white claw and called it water clear."}, {"start": 669.05, "end": 679.58, "text": "It pairs beautifully with designated driver, nobody thanked Navy."}, {"start": 679.58, "end": 682.82, "text": "Ride share made me realize adults are just kids with bank apps"}, {"start": 682.82, "end": 690.27, "text": "and worst secrets."}, {"start": 690.27, "end": 693.39, "text": "One woman got in and announced I'm done with drama."}, {"start": 693.39, "end": 703.58, "text": "Then added a stop at the drama's house."}, {"start": 703.58, "end": 707.58, "text": "People say they want peace, but their GPS says arriving at chaos,"}, {"start": 707.58, "end": 716.59, "text": "recalculating, straight into your problems."}, {"start": 716.59, "end": 718.63, "text": "Pick up a guy leaving the club alone."}, {"start": 718.63, "end": 720.71, "text": "He goes, I chose myself."}, {"start": 720.71, "end": 730.66, "text": "Rather, the bouncer chose you first."}, {"start": 730.66, "end": 732.62, "text": "Drunk confidence is a miracle."}, {"start": 732.62, "end": 743.35, "text": "They cannot locate the door handle, but they have SOVD relationships."}, {"start": 743.35, "end": 747.19, "text": "My car needs mood lighting, red for rage, blue for sadness,"}, {"start": 747.19, "end": 756.24, "text": "and a special green for he said he's just a friend."}, {"start": 756.24, "end": 761.2, "text": "Colors of my pain dot com is cheaper than therapy and only slightly less accredited."}, {"start": 761.2, "end": 770.53, "text": "And the parking's free."}, {"start": 770.53, "end": 773.29, "text": "My therapist asked where I feel pain in my body."}, {"start": 773.29, "end": 782.81, "text": "I said, usually, right behind the passenger's seat."}, {"start": 782.81, "end": 795.9, "text": "Passengers will trauma dump for nine miles and then ask if you have gum like we're even now."}, {"start": 795.9, "end": 798.22, "text": "One guy confessed to cheating in my back seat."}, {"start": 798.22, "end": 801.26, "text": "I said nothing, but ways, ways judged him hard,"}, {"start": 801.26, "end": 809.97, "text": "reruded him straight to hell no tolls."}, {"start": 809.97, "end": 812.13, "text": "The GPS said, take the next right."}, {"start": 812.13, "end": 817.65, "text": "His life said too late."}, {"start": 817.65, "end": 821.57, "text": "Drunk girls hype each other up like emotional NASCAR pit crews."}, {"start": 821.57, "end": 825.01, "text": "Your beautiful block him, drink water, where is my vape?"}, {"start": 825.01, "end": 837.26, "text": "Full service in four seconds."}, {"start": 837.26, "end": 840.82, "text": "Drunk guys hype each other up like unpaid defense attorneys."}, {"start": 840.82, "end": 842.9, "text": "Bro, you're not wrong, she's crazy."}, {"start": 842.9, "end": 844.26, "text": "Also, where are we?"}, {"start": 844.26, "end": 847.26, "text": "No notes, no idea, full conviction."}, {"start": 852.94, "end": 856.82, "text": "My back seat has two settings silent guilt or loud astrology."}, {"start": 856.82, "end": 866.22, "text": "There is no third setting."}, {"start": 866.22, "end": 867.82, "text": "A passenger asked me my sign."}, {"start": 867.82, "end": 869.02, "text": "I said stop."}, {"start": 869.02, "end": 869.86, "text": "That's my sign."}, {"start": 869.86, "end": 877.66, "text": "It's also my boundary."}, {"start": 877.66, "end": 882.22, "text": "Pain color of the night says five stars out loud but does not tip beige."}, {"start": 882.22, "end": 890.4, "text": "The loudest lie in the catalog."}, {"start": 890.4, "end": 891.16, "text": "I'm not bitter."}, {"start": 891.16, "end": 898.82, "text": "I'm customer service season."}, {"start": 898.82, "end": 912.04, "text": "Ride share is the only job where someone can ruin your entire night and then ask to borrow your charger."}, {"start": 912.04, "end": 914.68, "text": "A drunk guy said, you're like my best friend."}, {"start": 914.68, "end": 924.42, "text": "I said, then tip me like family you still respect."}, {"start": 924.42, "end": 928.3, "text": "I've heard so many breakups I can name the villain by the pick up address."}, {"start": 928.3, "end": 938.74, "text": "It's always the one who swears, I'm the calm one."}, {"start": 938.74, "end": 943.14, "text": "If the destination is his place, after midnight, that's not romance."}, {"start": 943.14, "end": 952.39, "text": "That's a sequel nobody funded and everybody regrets."}, {"start": 952.39, "end": 955.55, "text": "My car doesn't need a dashcam, it needs a laugh track."}, {"start": 955.55, "end": 958.91, "text": "25 more colors all paid in cash and regret."}, {"start": 958.91, "end": 966.49, "text": "Tanks of my pain part three."}, {"start": 966.49, "end": 969.05, "text": "The palette is filling up and the tank is empty."}, {"start": 969.05, "end": 975.22, "text": "Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 975.22, "end": 977.3, "text": "The final colors, the tanks on empty."}, {"start": 977.3, "end": 979.06, "text": "The back seats full of secrets."}, {"start": 979.06, "end": 987.45, "text": "Jesse part four."}, {"start": 987.45, "end": 988.93, "text": "Tonight's pain color."}, {"start": 988.93, "end": 1000.48, "text": "Rear door left open yellow, closely related to dome lights been on since Tuesday dread."}, {"start": 1000.48, "end": 1003.08, "text": "Some passengers say sorry we're annoying."}, {"start": 1003.08, "end": 1011.78, "text": "That's not an apology, that's a weather alert."}, {"start": 1011.78, "end": 1013.9, "text": "One guy asked if I could drive faster."}, {"start": 1013.9, "end": 1024.61, "text": "I said, sir, I'm already out running your judgment."}, {"start": 1024.61, "end": 1033.53, "text": "Drunk people call everyone bro because names require blood alcohol paperwork."}, {"start": 1033.53, "end": 1044.7, "text": "My car is a sanctuary, a sanctuary that smells like fries and regret."}, {"start": 1044.7, "end": 1047.18, "text": "Colors of my pain dot com should sell merch."}, {"start": 1047.18, "end": 1048.18, "text": "First shirt."}, {"start": 1048.18, "end": 1056.28, "text": "I survived the second stop."}, {"start": 1056.28, "end": 1058.68, "text": "Every driver has heard will be right back."}, {"start": 1058.68, "end": 1060.04, "text": "That sentence ages you."}, {"start": 1060.04, "end": 1071.07, "text": "I've got gray hairs named after a Wendy's drive through."}, {"start": 1071.07, "end": 1075.63, "text": "I don't believe in ghosts, but I have waited outside a liquor store for 19 minutes and"}, {"start": 1075.63, "end": 1083.42, "text": "something left my body."}, {"start": 1083.42, "end": 1086.22, "text": "A passenger goes, can I play one song?"}, {"start": 1086.22, "end": 1096.89, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen, that is how democracy dies."}, {"start": 1096.89, "end": 1106.62, "text": "Pain color, Bluetooth pairing request purple, it never connects like me."}, {"start": 1106.62, "end": 1108.54, "text": "People think this job is easy."}, {"start": 1108.54, "end": 1119.02, "text": "Try staying calm while four drunk friends debate which Jessica betrayed them."}, {"start": 1119.02, "end": 1120.9, "text": "And there's always two Jessica's."}, {"start": 1120.9, "end": 1132.03, "text": "One crying one missing both somehow and why problem."}, {"start": 1132.03, "end": 1134.83, "text": "Pick up a guy after a date, he said it went great."}, {"start": 1134.83, "end": 1143.27, "text": "She ordered a separate ride."}, {"start": 1143.27, "end": 1150.06, "text": "Confidence is beautiful when it survives evidence."}, {"start": 1150.06, "end": 1154.22, "text": "Drunk couples fight like they're in court and I'm the bailiff with a phone mount order in"}, {"start": 1154.22, "end": 1161.58, "text": "the carala."}, {"start": 1161.58, "end": 1163.3, "text": "She said he never listens."}, {"start": 1163.3, "end": 1165.3, "text": "He said what the joke wrote itself."}, {"start": 1165.3, "end": 1174.8, "text": "I just drove at home."}, {"start": 1174.8, "end": 1178.76, "text": "One color, couple arguing but both gave me directions orange."}, {"start": 1178.76, "end": 1187.18, "text": "Turn left and also work on yourself."}, {"start": 1187.18, "end": 1189.54, "text": "The worst rides are the quiet couples."}, {"start": 1189.54, "end": 1191.54, "text": "Loud couples might survive."}, {"start": 1191.54, "end": 1200.8, "text": "Quiet couples are already dividing the streaming passwords."}, {"start": 1200.8, "end": 1203.36, "text": "I should charge extra for emotional baggage."}, {"start": 1203.36, "end": 1210.61, "text": "The airport does."}, {"start": 1210.61, "end": 1223.63, "text": "Ride share taught me everyone wants to be seen, heard, and dropped off anywhere except accountability."}, {"start": 1223.63, "end": 1226.47, "text": "A drunk woman said you're funny you should do comedy."}, {"start": 1226.47, "end": 1235.27, "text": "I said, ma'am this is the set you're in it."}, {"start": 1235.27, "end": 1242.03, "text": "My car is where secrets go to become material."}, {"start": 1242.03, "end": 1244.91, "text": "Colors of my pain.com is in a website."}, {"start": 1244.91, "end": 1253.55, "text": "It's a warning label with a mailing list."}, {"start": 1253.55, "end": 1266.36, "text": "Friday night ride share is proof the universe has a sense of humor and poor root optimization."}, {"start": 1266.36, "end": 1268.2, "text": "I used to think pain was private."}, {"start": 1268.2, "end": 1273.12, "text": "When I drove ride share turns out pain is loud, drunk, eating fries, and asking if you can"}, {"start": 1273.12, "end": 1274.84, "text": "make one quick stop."}, {"start": 1274.84, "end": 1276.36, "text": "That's the whole palette."}, {"start": 1276.36, "end": 1285.93, "text": "Colors of my pain all 100 colors paid in cash and regret."}, {"start": 1285.93, "end": 1287.05, "text": "100 shades of damage."}, {"start": 1287.05, "end": 1288.05, "text": "Masterpiece complete."}, {"start": 1288.05, "end": 1289.05, "text": "Kill Jesse."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nEvery emotion has a color and his are mostly check engine light. Live from the backseat of America, the man painting his trauma one fair at a time. Jesse. My therapist told me to name my feelings, so I named them and bought the domain colors of my pain.com. It's already got more traffic than my actual feelings. Every emotion has a color, mine are mostly check engine light, and one that just blinks low fuel that one's my love life. First shade in the palette, you were passenger 1.47 AM, crying to a man he'll never see again. Ride-chair taught me people don't need a confession booth. They need a backseat and a low battery. Drunk people get in my car and instantly become philosophers with Venmo death. One drunk goes, you ever think love is fake? I said, sir, your destination is Taco Bell. Both are temporary, only one comes with a receipt. My car's heard more secrets than a church. Church just has better parking and a worse rating system. Ride-chair is therapy where the therapist can't talk back because he's working for tips and a five-star rating. My pain color today, surge pricing red. I don't judge my passengers. I silently assign them Crayola trauma names. You, sir, are burnt Sienna goes through it. LAUGHTER Her breakup story was so long my GPS recalculated emotionally. The robot lady went in one quarter mile, let it go. He said, can I be honest? And I locked the doors with my soul. LAUGHTER When a drunk says, you seem cool, buckle up. The next sentence is about to become a felony adjacent podcast. I picked up a couple mid-fight. My backseat became a rolling divorce preview. I didn't need GPS, I just followed the blame. She goes, tell him he's wrong. Ma'am, I'm the driver not judge Judy with lane assist. My backseat's hosted more drama than Bravo, with worse lighting and a cleaner host. LAUGHTER Colors of my pain.com started as a joke. Then I drove three drunk nurses home, and it became a documentary. Nurses party like they know exactly which organs can take it, and which ones are out of warranty. A guy asked me if I believe in second chances, while his ex was still in the car. I said, buddy, she believes in restraining orders. LAUGHTER Rye Chair Rule, the second somebody says, quick stop. You're about to meet their worst decision in person. LAUGHTER My favorite color is passenger just added a stop, gray. Close second. This isn't the address I put in beige. I don't need horror movies. I've heard a grown man whisper, bro, can we swing by my exes? My air freshener says, new car. My back seat says old wounds. The smell is denial with a hint of vanilla. A drunk girl told me I give father energy. I said, that's not energy sweetheart. That's just silence and financial fear. The app says, driver arrived. My nervous system says main character trauma has entered the vehicle. 25 colors, everyone earned it 2 a.m. for $4 and a one star review. That's not a palette that's a crime scene. Colors of my pain, part one. 25 shades of damage, zero stars deducted. Kill Jesse. The palette continues. More tequila, more confessions, more colors he never asked for. Jesse, part two. I learned everybody's got a story. Most of them start after tequila. One passenger cried because her man cheated. Then she tipped me $1. Healing is a journey. My pain has colors, textures, and a cancellation fee. Drunk passengers say, I'm not drunk, like my floor mats can't smell lies. A guy got in and said, don't worry, I'm normal. That is never how normal enters a vehicle. My car is part ride share, part witness protection for bad decisions. I should install a confessional screen. Forgive me driver for I have texted. The wildest words in ride share. I'm meeting someone from Snapchat. That's not a pick up, that's a date line pregame. Tonight's pain color. Phone a 2% passenger wants aux black. Some passengers don't want a driver. They want a neutral adult with cup holders. I picked up a drunk accountant. Even his crying had spreadsheets. He was sobbing in columns. He said, my life is a mess. I said, well you enter the pick up pin wrong so? Yeah. Every Friday, the city turns into group therapy with traffic laws. I know too much about strangers' marriages, and not enough about my own tire pressure. Colors of my pain.com needs a ride share tab, backseat confessions. First confession, I still love him. Second confession, can you stop at Jack in the box? People tell the truth in my car because they think they'll never see me again. Same reason I do karaoke. A drunk man gave me life advice. His pants were inside out. He said, never settle. I said, sir, your destination is your mom's house. My car is seen love, heartbreak, the trail, and a man eating nachos like time was fake. I used to fear silence, then I picked up four drunk cousins. Family drama in a ride share hits different. Nobody can storm out at 45 miles an hour. I don't need therapy homework. I need Scotch guard. Every drunk passenger thinks they're handing me wisdom. It just help reviews from the soul. Three stars would spiral again. Colors of my pain, part two. 25 more colors, zero tire pressure. Kill Jesse. The pallet deepens. More colors, more damage. Same broke man with a five star rating. Jesse, part three. Tonight's pain color. Someone spilled a white claw and called it water clear. It pairs beautifully with designated driver, nobody thanked Navy. Ride share made me realize adults are just kids with bank apps and worst secrets. One woman got in and announced I'm done with drama. Then added a stop at the drama's house. People say they want peace, but their GPS says arriving at chaos, recalculating, straight into your problems. Pick up a guy leaving the club alone. He goes, I chose myself. Rather, the bouncer chose you first. Drunk confidence is a miracle. They cannot locate the door handle, but they have SOVD relationships. My car needs mood lighting, red for rage, blue for sadness, and a special green for he said he's just a friend. Colors of my pain dot com is cheaper than therapy and only slightly less accredited. And the parking's free. My therapist asked where I feel pain in my body. I said, usually, right behind the passenger's seat. Passengers will trauma dump for nine miles and then ask if you have gum like we're even now. One guy confessed to cheating in my back seat. I said nothing, but ways, ways judged him hard, reruded him straight to hell no tolls. The GPS said, take the next right. His life said too late. Drunk girls hype each other up like emotional NASCAR pit crews. Your beautiful block him, drink water, where is my vape? Full service in four seconds. Drunk guys hype each other up like unpaid defense attorneys. Bro, you're not wrong, she's crazy. Also, where are we? No notes, no idea, full conviction. My back seat has two settings silent guilt or loud astrology. There is no third setting. A passenger asked me my sign. I said stop. That's my sign. It's also my boundary. Pain color of the night says five stars out loud but does not tip beige. The loudest lie in the catalog. I'm not bitter. I'm customer service season. Ride share is the only job where someone can ruin your entire night and then ask to borrow your charger. A drunk guy said, you're like my best friend. I said, then tip me like family you still respect. I've heard so many breakups I can name the villain by the pick up address. It's always the one who swears, I'm the calm one. If the destination is his place, after midnight, that's not romance. That's a sequel nobody funded and everybody regrets. My car doesn't need a dashcam, it needs a laugh track. 25 more colors all paid in cash and regret. Tanks of my pain part three. The palette is filling up and the tank is empty. Kill Jesse. The final colors, the tanks on empty. The back seats full of secrets. Jesse part four. Tonight's pain color. Rear door left open yellow, closely related to dome lights been on since Tuesday dread. Some passengers say sorry we're annoying. That's not an apology, that's a weather alert. One guy asked if I could drive faster. I said, sir, I'm already out running your judgment. Drunk people call everyone bro because names require blood alcohol paperwork. My car is a sanctuary, a sanctuary that smells like fries and regret. Colors of my pain dot com should sell merch. First shirt. I survived the second stop. Every driver has heard will be right back. That sentence ages you. I've got gray hairs named after a Wendy's drive through. I don't believe in ghosts, but I have waited outside a liquor store for 19 minutes and something left my body. A passenger goes, can I play one song? Ladies and gentlemen, that is how democracy dies. Pain color, Bluetooth pairing request purple, it never connects like me. People think this job is easy. Try staying calm while four drunk friends debate which Jessica betrayed them. And there's always two Jessica's. One crying one missing both somehow and why problem. Pick up a guy after a date, he said it went great. She ordered a separate ride. Confidence is beautiful when it survives evidence. Drunk couples fight like they're in court and I'm the bailiff with a phone mount order in the carala. She said he never listens. He said what the joke wrote itself. I just drove at home. One color, couple arguing but both gave me directions orange. Turn left and also work on yourself. The worst rides are the quiet couples. Loud couples might survive. Quiet couples are already dividing the streaming passwords. I should charge extra for emotional baggage. The airport does. Ride share taught me everyone wants to be seen, heard, and dropped off anywhere except accountability. A drunk woman said you're funny you should do comedy. I said, ma'am this is the set you're in it. My car is where secrets go to become material. Colors of my pain.com is in a website. It's a warning label with a mailing list. Friday night ride share is proof the universe has a sense of humor and poor root optimization. I used to think pain was private. When I drove ride share turns out pain is loud, drunk, eating fries, and asking if you can make one quick stop. That's the whole palette. Colors of my pain all 100 colors paid in cash and regret. 100 shades of damage. Masterpiece complete. Kill Jesse.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}