{"file": "REDLINE_14_THE_WEDDING_PHOTOGRAPHER_WHO_WOULDNT_GET_MARRIED_TG.mp3", "duration_sec": 302.9, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 2.7, "text": "These are my shit-midest confessions."}, {"start": 2.7, "end": 7.96, "text": "I photographed weddings for 30 years and rejected 11 marriage proposals."}, {"start": 7.96, "end": 9.8, "text": "I wasn't afraid of commitment."}, {"start": 9.8, "end": 12.36, "text": "I was commitment's official photographer."}, {"start": 12.36, "end": 13.84, "text": "Always there."}, {"start": 13.84, "end": 16.16, "text": "Never in the fucking picture."}, {"start": 16.16, "end": 18.06, "text": "Every Saturday I told another man,"}, {"start": 18.06, "end": 20.2, "text": "Stand here, hold her hand."}, {"start": 20.2, "end": 22.24, "text": "Look like you trust forever."}, {"start": 22.24, "end": 26.48, "text": "Then I went home and blocked a woman for asking where our relationship was going."}, {"start": 26.48, "end": 29.48, "text": "I spent 30 years telling husbands where to stand."}, {"start": 29.48, "end": 32.44, "text": "Apparently I was rehearsing for avoiding the altar."}, {"start": 32.44, "end": 34.52, "text": "Eleven women proposed to me."}, {"start": 34.52, "end": 36.68, "text": "Most men fear hearing no."}, {"start": 36.68, "end": 40.72, "text": "I heard yes eleven times and treated it like a smoke detector."}, {"start": 40.72, "end": 42.28, "text": "Jesse, will you marry me?"}, {"start": 42.28, "end": 43.6, "text": "Beep, beep, beep."}, {"start": 43.6, "end": 45.72, "text": "Everybody out of the relationship."}, {"start": 45.72, "end": 47.48, "text": "I didn't have commitment issues."}, {"start": 47.48, "end": 50.4, "text": "Commitment had a restraining order against me."}, {"start": 50.4, "end": 52.16, "text": "At weddings I was an expert."}, {"start": 52.16, "end": 56.72, "text": "I knew the first kiss, the father-daughter dance, the bouquet toss."}, {"start": 56.72, "end": 61.44, "text": "The exact moment the groom realizes open bar does not mean open marriage."}, {"start": 61.44, "end": 68.36, "text": "I captured every emotion, love, hope, joy, and the bride's mother whispering she could"}, {"start": 68.36, "end": 70.04, "text": "have done better."}, {"start": 70.04, "end": 74.2, "text": "Meanwhile my own girlfriend sat at home wondering why a man with twelve cameras couldn't picture"}, {"start": 74.2, "end": 75.72, "text": "a future."}, {"start": 75.72, "end": 77.44, "text": "Because cameras have focus."}, {"start": 77.44, "end": 80.4, "text": "Young Jesse had pussy and auto focus."}, {"start": 80.4, "end": 82.6, "text": "One worked better in low light."}, {"start": 82.6, "end": 85.0, "text": "Several brides loved my pictures."}, {"start": 85.0, "end": 87.48, "text": "Beautiful bridesmaids loved my camera."}, {"start": 87.48, "end": 90.88, "text": "Young Jesse assumed beautiful bridesmaids loved Jesse."}, {"start": 90.88, "end": 96.32, "text": "That was the exposure triangle, aperture, shutter speed, and one horny Mexican Portuguese"}, {"start": 96.32, "end": 99.32, "text": "mother fucker misreading customer service."}, {"start": 99.32, "end": 102.68, "text": "A bridesmaid would say, you make women look beautiful."}, {"start": 102.68, "end": 105.88, "text": "I heard, take off your pants, Ansel Adams."}, {"start": 105.88, "end": 109.68, "text": "No asshole, she wanted the photos before Tuesday."}, {"start": 109.68, "end": 111.16, "text": "I thought I had game."}, {"start": 111.16, "end": 114.2, "text": "I had professional access in a telephoto lens."}, {"start": 114.2, "end": 115.88, "text": "That is not seduction."}, {"start": 115.88, "end": 118.2, "text": "That is stalking with insurance."}, {"start": 118.2, "end": 121.36, "text": "My camera bag carried $20,000 in equipment."}, {"start": 121.36, "end": 126.72, "text": "My wallet carried $12 in a condom from a wedding where the couple was already divorced."}, {"start": 126.72, "end": 128.4, "text": "Every groom left with a wife."}, {"start": 128.4, "end": 134.4, "text": "I left with memory cards, sore knees, and another woman asking, when is it my turn?"}, {"start": 134.4, "end": 138.12, "text": "I said, your gallery will be ready in six weeks."}, {"start": 138.12, "end": 140.28, "text": "Young fucking question, Jesse."}, {"start": 140.28, "end": 142.6, "text": "The four colors ran my wedding business."}, {"start": 142.6, "end": 144.64, "text": "Yellow cried during the vows."}, {"start": 144.64, "end": 146.44, "text": "Green checked the timeline."}, {"start": 146.44, "end": 148.28, "text": "Blue charmed the family."}, {"start": 148.28, "end": 153.2, "text": "Red saw the bouquet flying toward my girlfriend and slapped that shit into another county."}, {"start": 153.2, "end": 155.72, "text": "I could preserve a marriage in raw format."}, {"start": 155.72, "end": 158.72, "text": "I couldn't maintain one relationship in JPEG."}, {"start": 158.72, "end": 160.52, "text": "Too much compression."}, {"start": 160.52, "end": 163.36, "text": "Every girlfriend wanted the full resolution, Jesse."}, {"start": 163.36, "end": 165.76, "text": "I kept sending previews with a watermark."}, {"start": 165.76, "end": 168.68, "text": "Proof only, not for commitment."}, {"start": 168.68, "end": 173.56, "text": "One woman proposed during a sunset shoot, beautiful light, perfect location."}, {"start": 173.56, "end": 174.92, "text": "She got on one knee."}, {"start": 174.92, "end": 179.64, "text": "I looked through the camera and said, hold that, your chin is creating a shadow."}, {"start": 179.64, "end": 183.72, "text": "She said, Jesse, I'm asking you to spend your life with me."}, {"start": 183.72, "end": 185.88, "text": "I said, great emotion."}, {"start": 185.88, "end": 188.04, "text": "Do it once more horizontally."}, {"start": 188.04, "end": 191.12, "text": "That relationship ended before the upload finished."}, {"start": 191.12, "end": 192.56, "text": "Another woman showed me a ring."}, {"start": 192.56, "end": 195.88, "text": "I said, that diamond has terrible white balance."}, {"start": 195.88, "end": 197.88, "text": "She said, it's for you."}, {"start": 197.88, "end": 201.36, "text": "I said, then it also has terrible judgment."}, {"start": 201.36, "end": 206.12, "text": "Captain Savahoe could finance a transmission after one blowjob, but ask him to buy a ring"}, {"start": 206.12, "end": 212.0, "text": "and suddenly green needed receipts, references, tax returns, and a fucking environmental impact"}, {"start": 212.0, "end": 213.0, "text": "report."}, {"start": 213.0, "end": 214.72, "text": "Pussy emergency?"}, {"start": 214.72, "end": 217.0, "text": "Jesse arrives in 12 minutes."}, {"start": 217.0, "end": 218.28, "text": "Marriage proposal?"}, {"start": 218.28, "end": 220.12, "text": "Your request is important."}, {"start": 220.12, "end": 222.92, "text": "At wait time, 32 years."}, {"start": 222.92, "end": 225.12, "text": "That's why I got fixed at 23."}, {"start": 225.12, "end": 227.44, "text": "The vasectomy protected me from children."}, {"start": 227.44, "end": 230.12, "text": "My personality protected me from marriage."}, {"start": 230.12, "end": 234.52, "text": "I photographed thousands of families beginning while making damn sure none started inside my"}, {"start": 234.52, "end": 235.52, "text": "house."}, {"start": 235.52, "end": 238.12, "text": "At 50, the weddings are over."}, {"start": 238.12, "end": 239.6, "text": "The cameras are quieter."}, {"start": 239.6, "end": 241.12, "text": "The pussy retired."}, {"start": 241.12, "end": 244.0, "text": "And every couple I photographed has something I don't."}, {"start": 244.0, "end": 247.16, "text": "A family album where I'm not listed under Vendon."}, {"start": 247.16, "end": 249.92, "text": "Do I regret saying no 11 times?"}, {"start": 249.92, "end": 251.4, "text": "Not 11 times."}, {"start": 251.4, "end": 252.88, "text": "Maybe seven."}, {"start": 252.88, "end": 256.16, "text": "Depending on the woman, the house, and whether the ring had dental."}, {"start": 256.16, "end": 257.64, "text": "But here is the truth."}, {"start": 257.64, "end": 261.4, "text": "I spent 30 years freezing everybody else's happiest second."}, {"start": 261.4, "end": 264.88, "text": "I thought staying single meant I never had to risk losing love."}, {"start": 264.88, "end": 270.2, "text": "Instead, I became the one man in every wedding album who was there for the whole marriage,"}, {"start": 270.2, "end": 271.52, "text": "except his own."}, {"start": 271.52, "end": 272.84, "text": "That sounds sad."}, {"start": 272.84, "end": 274.08, "text": "Don't worry."}, {"start": 274.08, "end": 276.44, "text": "Shit might as can ruin anything tender."}, {"start": 276.44, "end": 278.52, "text": "I still own the copyright."}, {"start": 278.52, "end": 283.96, "text": "Those couples got love, children, anniversaries, and somebody to drive them home from surgery."}, {"start": 283.96, "end": 289.72, "text": "I got 30 terabytes of strangers kissing and one tax deduction for loneliness."}, {"start": 289.72, "end": 291.88, "text": "That is the shit might as knockout."}, {"start": 291.88, "end": 294.0, "text": "Eleven women offered me forever."}, {"start": 294.0, "end": 295.76, "text": "I chose cameras."}, {"start": 295.76, "end": 298.68, "text": "Now the only ring I ever kept is the focus ring."}, {"start": 298.68, "end": 302.84, "text": "And every Saturday, that motherfucker is still pointed at somebody else's family."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nThese are my shit-midest confessions. I photographed weddings for 30 years and rejected 11 marriage proposals. I wasn't afraid of commitment. I was commitment's official photographer. Always there. Never in the fucking picture. Every Saturday I told another man, Stand here, hold her hand. Look like you trust forever. Then I went home and blocked a woman for asking where our relationship was going. I spent 30 years telling husbands where to stand. Apparently I was rehearsing for avoiding the altar. Eleven women proposed to me. Most men fear hearing no. I heard yes eleven times and treated it like a smoke detector. Jesse, will you marry me? Beep, beep, beep. Everybody out of the relationship. I didn't have commitment issues. Commitment had a restraining order against me. At weddings I was an expert. I knew the first kiss, the father-daughter dance, the bouquet toss. The exact moment the groom realizes open bar does not mean open marriage. I captured every emotion, love, hope, joy, and the bride's mother whispering she could have done better. Meanwhile my own girlfriend sat at home wondering why a man with twelve cameras couldn't picture a future. Because cameras have focus. Young Jesse had pussy and auto focus. One worked better in low light. Several brides loved my pictures. Beautiful bridesmaids loved my camera. Young Jesse assumed beautiful bridesmaids loved Jesse. That was the exposure triangle, aperture, shutter speed, and one horny Mexican Portuguese mother fucker misreading customer service. A bridesmaid would say, you make women look beautiful. I heard, take off your pants, Ansel Adams. No asshole, she wanted the photos before Tuesday. I thought I had game. I had professional access in a telephoto lens. That is not seduction. That is stalking with insurance. My camera bag carried $20,000 in equipment. My wallet carried $12 in a condom from a wedding where the couple was already divorced. Every groom left with a wife. I left with memory cards, sore knees, and another woman asking, when is it my turn? I said, your gallery will be ready in six weeks. Young fucking question, Jesse. The four colors ran my wedding business. Yellow cried during the vows. Green checked the timeline. Blue charmed the family. Red saw the bouquet flying toward my girlfriend and slapped that shit into another county. I could preserve a marriage in raw format. I couldn't maintain one relationship in JPEG. Too much compression. Every girlfriend wanted the full resolution, Jesse. I kept sending previews with a watermark. Proof only, not for commitment. One woman proposed during a sunset shoot, beautiful light, perfect location. She got on one knee. I looked through the camera and said, hold that, your chin is creating a shadow. She said, Jesse, I'm asking you to spend your life with me. I said, great emotion. Do it once more horizontally. That relationship ended before the upload finished. Another woman showed me a ring. I said, that diamond has terrible white balance. She said, it's for you. I said, then it also has terrible judgment. Captain Savahoe could finance a transmission after one blowjob, but ask him to buy a ring and suddenly green needed receipts, references, tax returns, and a fucking environmental impact report. Pussy emergency? Jesse arrives in 12 minutes. Marriage proposal? Your request is important. At wait time, 32 years. That's why I got fixed at 23. The vasectomy protected me from children. My personality protected me from marriage. I photographed thousands of families beginning while making damn sure none started inside my house. At 50, the weddings are over. The cameras are quieter. The pussy retired. And every couple I photographed has something I don't. A family album where I'm not listed under Vendon. Do I regret saying no 11 times? Not 11 times. Maybe seven. Depending on the woman, the house, and whether the ring had dental. But here is the truth. I spent 30 years freezing everybody else's happiest second. I thought staying single meant I never had to risk losing love. Instead, I became the one man in every wedding album who was there for the whole marriage, except his own. That sounds sad. Don't worry. Shit might as can ruin anything tender. I still own the copyright. Those couples got love, children, anniversaries, and somebody to drive them home from surgery. I got 30 terabytes of strangers kissing and one tax deduction for loneliness. That is the shit might as knockout. Eleven women offered me forever. I chose cameras. Now the only ring I ever kept is the focus ring. And every Saturday, that motherfucker is still pointed at somebody else's family.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}