{"file": "REDLINE_12_THE_BANKRUPTCY_AUCTION_TG.mp3", "duration_sec": 426.6, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 2.5, "text": "These are my shit-midest confessions."}, {"start": 2.5, "end": 6.06, "text": "Tonight, every bad decision I ever made is going up for auction."}, {"start": 6.06, "end": 8.3, "text": "Not because I declared bankruptcy."}, {"start": 8.3, "end": 10.84, "text": "Bankruptcy looked at my paperwork and said,"}, {"start": 10.84, "end": 13.3, "text": "I'm not taking responsibility for this shit."}, {"start": 13.3, "end": 14.5, "text": "Ha-ha!"}, {"start": 14.5, "end": 16.6, "text": "Welcome to the shit-midest estate sale,"}, {"start": 16.6, "end": 21.3, "text": "where everything Jesse touched lost value, dignity, or a security deposit."}, {"start": 21.3, "end": 23.2, "text": "Our auctioneer steps up."}, {"start": 23.2, "end": 28.0, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen, what am I bid for 16 years of California Public Service?"}, {"start": 28.1, "end": 29.0, "text": "That's right."}, {"start": 29.0, "end": 30.3, "text": "16 years."}, {"start": 30.3, "end": 33.9, "text": "I had seniority, benefits, and a path toward retirement."}, {"start": 33.9, "end": 35.4, "text": "Then my dick whispered,"}, {"start": 35.4, "end": 39.0, "text": "have you considered financial instability with beautiful women?"}, {"start": 39.0, "end": 40.0, "text": "Sold!"}, {"start": 40.0, "end": 44.0, "text": "One pension opportunity traded for a camera bag, a motel receipt,"}, {"start": 44.0, "end": 47.0, "text": "and enough bad judgment to qualify as a dependent."}, {"start": 47.0, "end": 49.3, "text": "The auctioneer holds up my resume."}, {"start": 49.3, "end": 51.3, "text": "Do I hear $20?"}, {"start": 51.3, "end": 52.6, "text": "Silence."}, {"start": 52.6, "end": 54.2, "text": "$10?"}, {"start": 54.2, "end": 56.7, "text": "A cleaning customer raises her hand."}, {"start": 56.8, "end": 60.3, "text": "I'll give you five if he also does the baseboards."}, {"start": 60.3, "end": 61.3, "text": "Sold!"}, {"start": 61.3, "end": 62.4, "text": "Next item."}, {"start": 62.4, "end": 64.6, "text": "Jesse's vitamin empire."}, {"start": 64.6, "end": 68.9, "text": "I built passive income so my money could disappear while I slept."}, {"start": 68.9, "end": 73.4, "text": "That company sold supplements for energy, confidence, and stamina."}, {"start": 73.4, "end": 79.9, "text": "Three things young Jesse needed because Pussy had him working overtime without fucking benefits."}, {"start": 79.9, "end": 82.9, "text": "The compensation plan had seven levels."}, {"start": 82.9, "end": 85.2, "text": "My dick invented level eight."}, {"start": 85.2, "end": 86.8, "text": "Bankruptcy with titties."}, {"start": 86.8, "end": 88.6, "text": "Ha ha ha ha."}, {"start": 88.6, "end": 91.6, "text": "The auctioneer lifts one dusty bottle."}, {"start": 91.6, "end": 93.8, "text": "Who'll open at $50?"}, {"start": 93.8, "end": 96.4, "text": "A woman from my old downline says,"}, {"start": 96.4, "end": 98.7, "text": "does it come with residual income?"}, {"start": 98.7, "end": 102.1, "text": "No ma'am, it comes with residual embarrassment."}, {"start": 102.1, "end": 107.8, "text": "Sold to Captain Savahoe for one transmission and a promise she'll pay him Friday."}, {"start": 107.8, "end": 109.6, "text": "Friday never came."}, {"start": 109.6, "end": 111.6, "text": "Jesse did."}, {"start": 111.6, "end": 113.6, "text": "That was the business model."}, {"start": 113.7, "end": 114.8, "text": "Next lot."}, {"start": 114.8, "end": 117.4, "text": "Eleven unopened marriage proposals."}, {"start": 117.4, "end": 119.6, "text": "Still in the original packaging."}, {"start": 119.6, "end": 120.7, "text": "Never used."}, {"start": 120.7, "end": 127.5, "text": "Each one includes a ring, a future, and one woman slowly realizing she proposed to a fire exit."}, {"start": 127.5, "end": 129.1, "text": "The auctioneer asks,"}, {"start": 129.1, "end": 131.9, "text": "why did the owner reject all 11?"}, {"start": 131.9, "end": 134.1, "text": "Because I wasn't afraid of commitment."}, {"start": 134.1, "end": 136.5, "text": "I was committed to avoiding evidence."}, {"start": 136.5, "end": 139.0, "text": "The vasectomy protected me from children."}, {"start": 139.0, "end": 142.8, "text": "My personality protected me from anniversaries."}, {"start": 142.9, "end": 147.0, "text": "One biter asks, do the proposals come with warranties?"}, {"start": 147.0, "end": 151.0, "text": "No, but every woman received a full refund and a better husband."}, {"start": 151.0, "end": 155.7, "text": "Sold to literally anybody with emotional availability."}, {"start": 155.7, "end": 156.7, "text": "Next item."}, {"start": 156.7, "end": 159.1, "text": "Thirty years of wedding photography."}, {"start": 159.1, "end": 160.5, "text": "Thousands of brides."}, {"start": 160.5, "end": 162.0, "text": "Thousands of grooms."}, {"start": 162.0, "end": 165.7, "text": "Thousands of families beginning while I stood six feet away yelling,"}, {"start": 165.7, "end": 168.5, "text": "closer, act like you love each other."}, {"start": 168.6, "end": 170.3, "text": "That wasn't posing advice."}, {"start": 170.3, "end": 173.2, "text": "That was me trying to understand the product."}, {"start": 173.2, "end": 175.2, "text": "Every groom left with a wife."}, {"start": 175.2, "end": 177.9, "text": "I left with memory cards, swollen knees,"}, {"start": 177.9, "end": 181.7, "text": "and a girlfriend asking why our relationship was still marked proof only."}, {"start": 181.7, "end": 184.3, "text": "The auctioneer holds up my favorite lens."}, {"start": 184.3, "end": 185.7, "text": "Beautiful condition."}, {"start": 185.7, "end": 188.4, "text": "Barely used for self-reflection."}, {"start": 188.4, "end": 192.5, "text": "Sold to a divorce attorney who appreciates repeat customers."}, {"start": 192.5, "end": 193.6, "text": "Next lot."}, {"start": 193.6, "end": 196.2, "text": "Eleven years of ride share wisdom."}, {"start": 196.3, "end": 199.4, "text": "I drove thousands of strangers to their destinations"}, {"start": 199.4, "end": 203.6, "text": "while my own life kept screaming, make a legal U-turn."}, {"start": 203.6, "end": 207.2, "text": "Passengers asked, is this the fastest route?"}, {"start": 207.2, "end": 209.7, "text": "Motherfucker, you're asking a 50-year-old cleaner"}, {"start": 209.7, "end": 214.0, "text": "with a comedy supercomputer and no finished retirement plan."}, {"start": 214.0, "end": 216.5, "text": "This vehicle is not on a route."}, {"start": 216.5, "end": 219.4, "text": "It is fleeing a pattern."}, {"start": 219.4, "end": 222.5, "text": "My GPS had more boundaries than my dick."}, {"start": 222.5, "end": 224.0, "text": "Recalculating."}, {"start": 224.0, "end": 228.1, "text": "That was Siri trying to fix my entire fucking biography."}, {"start": 228.1, "end": 231.8, "text": "The auctioneer offers my five-star driver rating."}, {"start": 231.8, "end": 234.8, "text": "Who wants proof that strangers trusted Jesse?"}, {"start": 234.8, "end": 237.4, "text": "More than Jesse trusted Jesse."}, {"start": 237.4, "end": 239.4, "text": "Sold to three dogs."}, {"start": 239.4, "end": 242.4, "text": "They're my only dependence because they shit outside"}, {"start": 242.4, "end": 244.7, "text": "and never needed new tires."}, {"start": 244.7, "end": 245.7, "text": "Next item."}, {"start": 245.7, "end": 246.8, "text": "My cleaning career."}, {"start": 246.8, "end": 249.4, "text": "After 30 years photographing white dresses,"}, {"start": 249.4, "end": 252.2, "text": "I finally learned how to remove stains."}, {"start": 252.2, "end": 254.4, "text": "Except the ones on my resume."}, {"start": 254.4, "end": 257.1, "text": "Customers trust me alone with their toilets."}, {"start": 257.1, "end": 260.2, "text": "Eleven women wouldn't trust me alone with forever."}, {"start": 260.2, "end": 264.4, "text": "I arrive with sprays, towels, and a DGX supercomputer"}, {"start": 264.4, "end": 267.1, "text": "powerful enough to simulate the universe."}, {"start": 267.1, "end": 268.7, "text": "The customer says,"}, {"start": 268.7, "end": 270.8, "text": "can your AI clean the shower?"}, {"start": 270.8, "end": 273.9, "text": "No, but six agents can explain why I'm still holding"}, {"start": 273.9, "end": 275.1, "text": "the fucking sponge."}, {"start": 275.1, "end": 276.9, "text": "Ha, ha, ha."}, {"start": 276.9, "end": 278.6, "text": "Hermes makes a plan."}, {"start": 278.6, "end": 280.8, "text": "Open-claw opens a browser."}, {"start": 280.8, "end": 282.5, "text": "Codex writes a script."}, {"start": 282.5, "end": 284.7, "text": "Claude reviews the architecture."}, {"start": 284.7, "end": 288.2, "text": "Jesse scrubs the toilet because apparently I built Silicon Valley"}, {"start": 288.2, "end": 290.2, "text": "to avoid buying knee pads."}, {"start": 290.2, "end": 292.6, "text": "The auctioneer points at the DGX."}, {"start": 292.6, "end": 296.2, "text": "Who'll bid on one supercomputer with more memory than its owner?"}, {"start": 296.2, "end": 297.8, "text": "The machine says,"}, {"start": 297.8, "end": 299.0, "text": "before answering,"}, {"start": 299.0, "end": 303.7, "text": "I found 12 prior sessions where Jesse asked the same damn question."}, {"start": 303.7, "end": 306.5, "text": "Sold to my rehab therapist as supporting evidence."}, {"start": 306.5, "end": 308.5, "text": "Now the room gets quiet."}, {"start": 308.5, "end": 311.0, "text": "The final item rolls onto the stage."}, {"start": 311.0, "end": 315.9, "text": "It is one gold-painted shopping cart filled with everything I thought would save me."}, {"start": 315.9, "end": 318.1, "text": "A pension form I never finished."}, {"start": 318.1, "end": 320.9, "text": "Eleven engagement rings I never wore."}, {"start": 320.9, "end": 323.3, "text": "Vitamin bottles nobody reordered."}, {"start": 323.3, "end": 326.4, "text": "Camerlins is pointed at other people's families."}, {"start": 326.4, "end": 329.9, "text": "A ride-share phone still saying recalculating."}, {"start": 329.9, "end": 332.8, "text": "Cleaning chemicals financing an AI dream."}, {"start": 332.8, "end": 335.1, "text": "And one vasectomy receipt marked,"}, {"start": 335.1, "end": 338.3, "text": "best investment, zero recurring users."}, {"start": 338.3, "end": 341.5, "text": "The four colors begin bidding."}, {"start": 341.5, "end": 343.3, "text": "Yellow offers hope."}, {"start": 343.3, "end": 345.7, "text": "Blue offers another reinvention."}, {"start": 345.7, "end": 348.6, "text": "Green asks for 32 years of receipts."}, {"start": 348.6, "end": 350.6, "text": "Red grabs the microphone."}, {"start": 350.6, "end": 351.9, "text": "Stop bidding."}, {"start": 351.9, "end": 354.5, "text": "All this shit already belongs to us."}, {"start": 354.5, "end": 355.9, "text": "That is the truth."}, {"start": 355.9, "end": 359.3, "text": "I spent 50 years treating my life like an estate sale,"}, {"start": 359.3, "end": 363.6, "text": "selling stability cheap and paying retail for chaos."}, {"start": 363.6, "end": 366.9, "text": "But comedy finally found a use for the inventory."}, {"start": 366.9, "end": 368.9, "text": "Every lost dollar became a setup."}, {"start": 368.9, "end": 371.4, "text": "Every rejected future became a tag."}, {"start": 371.4, "end": 374.3, "text": "Every woman, career, car, camera, mop,"}, {"start": 374.3, "end": 378.0, "text": "and stupid fucking rescue mission became material."}, {"start": 378.0, "end": 380.4, "text": "The auctioneer raises the hammer."}, {"start": 380.4, "end": 381.4, "text": "Final lot."}, {"start": 381.4, "end": 383.6, "text": "One 50 year old shit might as."}, {"start": 383.6, "end": 385.9, "text": "No pension, no wife, no children,"}, {"start": 385.9, "end": 390.3, "text": "six AI managers, three dogs, and a cleaning cart."}, {"start": 390.3, "end": 392.0, "text": "Do I hear one dollar?"}, {"start": 392.0, "end": 393.1, "text": "Nothing."}, {"start": 393.1, "end": 394.3, "text": "50 cents?"}, {"start": 394.3, "end": 395.5, "text": "Still nothing."}, {"start": 395.5, "end": 397.9, "text": "Then the comedy club raises its hand."}, {"start": 397.9, "end": 399.4, "text": "We'll take him."}, {"start": 399.4, "end": 400.9, "text": "The auctioneer asks,"}, {"start": 400.9, "end": 403.2, "text": "what do you plan to do with all that failure?"}, {"start": 403.2, "end": 404.4, "text": "The club says,"}, {"start": 404.4, "end": 406.4, "text": "put a microphone in front of it."}, {"start": 406.4, "end": 407.8, "text": "Sold."}, {"start": 407.8, "end": 410.0, "text": "That is the shit might as knockout."}, {"start": 410.0, "end": 411.8, "text": "I finally found the one business"}, {"start": 411.8, "end": 414.7, "text": "where losing the pension dodging 11 marriages,"}, {"start": 414.7, "end": 417.5, "text": "financing pussy, driving in circles,"}, {"start": 417.5, "end": 420.0, "text": "cleaning toilets, and buying a supercomputer"}, {"start": 420.0, "end": 422.8, "text": "with no revenue does not make me a failure."}, {"start": 422.8, "end": 425.0, "text": "It makes me the fucking headliner."}, {"start": 425.0, "end": 426.5, "text": "Ha ha ha ha ha ha."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nThese are my shit-midest confessions. Tonight, every bad decision I ever made is going up for auction. Not because I declared bankruptcy. Bankruptcy looked at my paperwork and said, I'm not taking responsibility for this shit. Ha-ha! Welcome to the shit-midest estate sale, where everything Jesse touched lost value, dignity, or a security deposit. Our auctioneer steps up. Ladies and gentlemen, what am I bid for 16 years of California Public Service? That's right. 16 years. I had seniority, benefits, and a path toward retirement. Then my dick whispered, have you considered financial instability with beautiful women? Sold! One pension opportunity traded for a camera bag, a motel receipt, and enough bad judgment to qualify as a dependent. The auctioneer holds up my resume. Do I hear $20? Silence. $10? A cleaning customer raises her hand. I'll give you five if he also does the baseboards. Sold! Next item. Jesse's vitamin empire. I built passive income so my money could disappear while I slept. That company sold supplements for energy, confidence, and stamina. Three things young Jesse needed because Pussy had him working overtime without fucking benefits. The compensation plan had seven levels. My dick invented level eight. Bankruptcy with titties. Ha ha ha ha. The auctioneer lifts one dusty bottle. Who'll open at $50? A woman from my old downline says, does it come with residual income? No ma'am, it comes with residual embarrassment. Sold to Captain Savahoe for one transmission and a promise she'll pay him Friday. Friday never came. Jesse did. That was the business model. Next lot. Eleven unopened marriage proposals. Still in the original packaging. Never used. Each one includes a ring, a future, and one woman slowly realizing she proposed to a fire exit. The auctioneer asks, why did the owner reject all 11? Because I wasn't afraid of commitment. I was committed to avoiding evidence. The vasectomy protected me from children. My personality protected me from anniversaries. One biter asks, do the proposals come with warranties? No, but every woman received a full refund and a better husband. Sold to literally anybody with emotional availability. Next item. Thirty years of wedding photography. Thousands of brides. Thousands of grooms. Thousands of families beginning while I stood six feet away yelling, closer, act like you love each other. That wasn't posing advice. That was me trying to understand the product. Every groom left with a wife. I left with memory cards, swollen knees, and a girlfriend asking why our relationship was still marked proof only. The auctioneer holds up my favorite lens. Beautiful condition. Barely used for self-reflection. Sold to a divorce attorney who appreciates repeat customers. Next lot. Eleven years of ride share wisdom. I drove thousands of strangers to their destinations while my own life kept screaming, make a legal U-turn. Passengers asked, is this the fastest route? Motherfucker, you're asking a 50-year-old cleaner with a comedy supercomputer and no finished retirement plan. This vehicle is not on a route. It is fleeing a pattern. My GPS had more boundaries than my dick. Recalculating. That was Siri trying to fix my entire fucking biography. The auctioneer offers my five-star driver rating. Who wants proof that strangers trusted Jesse? More than Jesse trusted Jesse. Sold to three dogs. They're my only dependence because they shit outside and never needed new tires. Next item. My cleaning career. After 30 years photographing white dresses, I finally learned how to remove stains. Except the ones on my resume. Customers trust me alone with their toilets. Eleven women wouldn't trust me alone with forever. I arrive with sprays, towels, and a DGX supercomputer powerful enough to simulate the universe. The customer says, can your AI clean the shower? No, but six agents can explain why I'm still holding the fucking sponge. Ha, ha, ha. Hermes makes a plan. Open-claw opens a browser. Codex writes a script. Claude reviews the architecture. Jesse scrubs the toilet because apparently I built Silicon Valley to avoid buying knee pads. The auctioneer points at the DGX. Who'll bid on one supercomputer with more memory than its owner? The machine says, before answering, I found 12 prior sessions where Jesse asked the same damn question. Sold to my rehab therapist as supporting evidence. Now the room gets quiet. The final item rolls onto the stage. It is one gold-painted shopping cart filled with everything I thought would save me. A pension form I never finished. Eleven engagement rings I never wore. Vitamin bottles nobody reordered. Camerlins is pointed at other people's families. A ride-share phone still saying recalculating. Cleaning chemicals financing an AI dream. And one vasectomy receipt marked, best investment, zero recurring users. The four colors begin bidding. Yellow offers hope. Blue offers another reinvention. Green asks for 32 years of receipts. Red grabs the microphone. Stop bidding. All this shit already belongs to us. That is the truth. I spent 50 years treating my life like an estate sale, selling stability cheap and paying retail for chaos. But comedy finally found a use for the inventory. Every lost dollar became a setup. Every rejected future became a tag. Every woman, career, car, camera, mop, and stupid fucking rescue mission became material. The auctioneer raises the hammer. Final lot. One 50 year old shit might as. No pension, no wife, no children, six AI managers, three dogs, and a cleaning cart. Do I hear one dollar? Nothing. 50 cents? Still nothing. Then the comedy club raises its hand. We'll take him. The auctioneer asks, what do you plan to do with all that failure? The club says, put a microphone in front of it. Sold. That is the shit might as knockout. I finally found the one business where losing the pension dodging 11 marriages, financing pussy, driving in circles, cleaning toilets, and buying a supercomputer with no revenue does not make me a failure. It makes me the fucking headliner. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}