{"file": "REDLINE_11_THE_SAVE_A_HOE_PENSION_PLAN_TG.mp3", "duration_sec": 253.2, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 2.14, "text": "These are the shit-midest confessions."}, {"start": 2.14, "end": 4.38, "text": "I didn't chase women everybody wanted."}, {"start": 4.38, "end": 6.8, "text": "I chased women carrying so many red flags,"}, {"start": 6.8, "end": 10.54, "text": "they look like a fucking parade sponsored by my childhood trauma."}, {"start": 10.54, "end": 12.78, "text": "Other men saw trouble and crossed the street."}, {"start": 12.78, "end": 14.88, "text": "I saw trouble and pulled over."}, {"start": 14.88, "end": 18.72, "text": "Do you need a ride, dinner, rent, a phone, emotional support,"}, {"start": 18.72, "end": 20.32, "text": "and access to my retirement?"}, {"start": 20.32, "end": 21.86, "text": "That was my mating call."}, {"start": 21.86, "end": 23.76, "text": "Not confidence, not charm."}, {"start": 23.76, "end": 25.62, "text": "Roadside assistance with benefits."}, {"start": 25.62, "end": 27.02, "text": "I called it helping."}, {"start": 27.02, "end": 29.98, "text": "My bank called it recurring suspicious activity."}, {"start": 29.98, "end": 31.78, "text": "I thought I was Captain Saeva Ho."}, {"start": 31.78, "end": 32.78, "text": "I wasn't a captain."}, {"start": 32.78, "end": 35.18, "text": "I was the emergency fund wearing Cologne."}, {"start": 35.18, "end": 36.78, "text": "Every woman had a story."}, {"start": 36.78, "end": 37.94, "text": "Her car broke down."}, {"start": 37.94, "end": 38.94, "text": "Her rent was late."}, {"start": 38.94, "end": 40.02, "text": "Her phone was off."}, {"start": 40.02, "end": 41.66, "text": "Her ex was an asshole."}, {"start": 41.66, "end": 43.02, "text": "Her family wouldn't help."}, {"start": 43.02, "end": 45.22, "text": "And I'd sit there thinking, finally,"}, {"start": 45.22, "end": 48.3, "text": "a woman whose standards have been weakened by catastrophe."}, {"start": 48.3, "end": 50.14, "text": "That was my romantic sweet spot."}, {"start": 50.14, "end": 52.62, "text": "Not chemistry, infrastructure failure."}, {"start": 52.62, "end": 54.26, "text": "I didn't wait for Cupid."}, {"start": 54.26, "end": 56.38, "text": "I waited for the check engine light."}, {"start": 56.38, "end": 60.22, "text": "The second that dashboard lit up, my dick put on a reflective vest."}, {"start": 60.22, "end": 62.02, "text": "Ma'am, step away from the vehicle."}, {"start": 62.02, "end": 64.06, "text": "I'm about to ruin both our finances."}, {"start": 64.06, "end": 65.62, "text": "The first ride was free."}, {"start": 65.62, "end": 66.98, "text": "Then I bought dinner."}, {"start": 66.98, "end": 68.26, "text": "Then gas."}, {"start": 68.26, "end": 69.5, "text": "Then a tire."}, {"start": 69.5, "end": 70.42, "text": "Then a phone."}, {"start": 70.42, "end": 71.94, "text": "Then three months of rent."}, {"start": 71.94, "end": 76.06, "text": "By the time we had sex, I had accidentally become her municipal government."}, {"start": 76.06, "end": 77.74, "text": "And the sex wasn't even romantic."}, {"start": 77.74, "end": 81.62, "text": "It felt like a ribbon-cutting ceremony for a public works project."}, {"start": 81.62, "end": 82.58, "text": "There I was."}, {"start": 82.58, "end": 87.54, "text": "Naked, sweating, trying to perform while my green thinker calculated depreciation on"}, {"start": 87.54, "end": 89.02, "text": "her transmission."}, {"start": 89.02, "end": 91.26, "text": "Red yelled, fuck harder."}, {"start": 91.26, "end": 94.18, "text": "Yellow whispered, she finally feels safe."}, {"start": 94.18, "end": 96.7, "text": "Blue became whatever position she requested."}, {"start": 96.7, "end": 100.82, "text": "Green said, this orgasm has exceeded the approved budget."}, {"start": 100.82, "end": 104.14, "text": "I'd finish, roll over, and ask, was that good?"}, {"start": 104.14, "end": 107.74, "text": "She'd say, my power bill is due Friday."}, {"start": 107.74, "end": 109.1, "text": "That wasn't pillow talk."}, {"start": 109.1, "end": 111.14, "text": "That was an invoice with nipples."}, {"start": 111.14, "end": 113.42, "text": "Then I'd give her money because I wanted to help."}, {"start": 113.42, "end": 118.06, "text": "And because I was terrified that if the money stopped, the attention would stop."}, {"start": 118.06, "end": 119.06, "text": "That's the confession."}, {"start": 119.06, "end": 120.62, "text": "I wasn't buying sex."}, {"start": 120.62, "end": 123.58, "text": "I was renting the illusion that somebody needed me."}, {"start": 123.58, "end": 126.82, "text": "And the security deposit was my fucking future."}, {"start": 126.82, "end": 128.94, "text": "Welcome to the Jesse Savings Plan."}, {"start": 128.94, "end": 131.1, "text": "I contribute every paycheck."}, {"start": 131.1, "end": 132.5, "text": "The women mature."}, {"start": 132.5, "end": 133.82, "text": "The account doesn't."}, {"start": 133.82, "end": 139.06, "text": "My portfolio includes unpaid rent, disconnected phones, bald tires, motel deposits,"}, {"start": 139.06, "end": 142.66, "text": "and one handbag with better credit than me."}, {"start": 142.66, "end": 144.5, "text": "That was my pension plan."}, {"start": 144.5, "end": 147.06, "text": "Other state workers invested in bonds."}, {"start": 147.06, "end": 151.9, "text": "I invested in women who needed bailouts and a man dumb enough to confuse rescue with"}, {"start": 151.9, "end": 153.02, "text": "romance."}, {"start": 153.02, "end": 155.3, "text": "My co-workers retired at 55."}, {"start": 155.3, "end": 157.34, "text": "My dick retired during intercourse."}, {"start": 157.34, "end": 159.14, "text": "My pension didn't disappear."}, {"start": 159.14, "end": 162.3, "text": "It changed outfits and left in somebody else's car."}, {"start": 162.3, "end": 165.42, "text": "And I kept saying they took advantage of me."}, {"start": 165.42, "end": 167.54, "text": "Sometimes people did take what I offered."}, {"start": 167.54, "end": 169.7, "text": "But here's the part that roasts my ass."}, {"start": 169.7, "end": 175.46, "text": "I kept walking into the same burning building carrying gasoline and calling myself the fire"}, {"start": 175.46, "end": 176.46, "text": "department."}, {"start": 176.46, "end": 178.26, "text": "Nobody stole my boundaries."}, {"start": 178.26, "end": 181.3, "text": "I left them on the dashboard with the keys in the ignition."}, {"start": 181.3, "end": 183.58, "text": "I wanted to feel like a hero."}, {"start": 183.58, "end": 184.86, "text": "Heroes get thanked."}, {"start": 184.86, "end": 186.34, "text": "Heroes get remembered."}, {"start": 186.34, "end": 188.54, "text": "Heroes don't go home alone."}, {"start": 188.54, "end": 190.26, "text": "But I wasn't rescuing anybody."}, {"start": 190.26, "end": 193.22, "text": "I was begging emergencies to love me back."}, {"start": 193.22, "end": 199.1, "text": "That sentence cost me more than every tire, phone, motel, handbag and rent payment combined."}, {"start": 199.1, "end": 203.86, "text": "Because once you make money, your love language, every relationship ends with an audit."}, {"start": 203.86, "end": 206.18, "text": "The bedroom becomes accounts payable."}, {"start": 206.18, "end": 207.9, "text": "The kitchen becomes collections."}, {"start": 207.9, "end": 213.18, "text": "And your dick becomes an independent contractor with no insurance and terrible Yelp reviews."}, {"start": 213.18, "end": 217.9, "text": "I'd wake up after another disaster and say, shit, mydus, fucked up again."}, {"start": 217.9, "end": 219.26, "text": "Then I'd apologize."}, {"start": 219.26, "end": 220.26, "text": "Then I'd pay."}, {"start": 220.26, "end": 223.94, "text": "I'd help the next woman because loneliness doesn't learn from receipts."}, {"start": 223.94, "end": 227.14, "text": "It just staples them together and calls them memories."}, {"start": 227.14, "end": 230.9, "text": "Now, I look back at the fortune I spent trying not to be alone."}, {"start": 230.9, "end": 232.18, "text": "I could have bought a house."}, {"start": 232.18, "end": 233.86, "text": "I could have protected my pension."}, {"start": 233.86, "end": 235.82, "text": "I could have built the candy store."}, {"start": 235.82, "end": 239.34, "text": "Instead, I funded the Save a Ho pension plan."}, {"start": 239.34, "end": 241.7, "text": "The women got emergency assistance."}, {"start": 241.7, "end": 243.78, "text": "My dick got temporary employment."}, {"start": 243.78, "end": 247.46, "text": "And I got the only retirement package shit, mydus could design."}, {"start": 247.46, "end": 253.14, "text": "$300,000 in confessions and a fucking lifetime membership in accounts deceivable."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nThese are the shit-midest confessions. I didn't chase women everybody wanted. I chased women carrying so many red flags, they look like a fucking parade sponsored by my childhood trauma. Other men saw trouble and crossed the street. I saw trouble and pulled over. Do you need a ride, dinner, rent, a phone, emotional support, and access to my retirement? That was my mating call. Not confidence, not charm. Roadside assistance with benefits. I called it helping. My bank called it recurring suspicious activity. I thought I was Captain Saeva Ho. I wasn't a captain. I was the emergency fund wearing Cologne. Every woman had a story. Her car broke down. Her rent was late. Her phone was off. Her ex was an asshole. Her family wouldn't help. And I'd sit there thinking, finally, a woman whose standards have been weakened by catastrophe. That was my romantic sweet spot. Not chemistry, infrastructure failure. I didn't wait for Cupid. I waited for the check engine light. The second that dashboard lit up, my dick put on a reflective vest. Ma'am, step away from the vehicle. I'm about to ruin both our finances. The first ride was free. Then I bought dinner. Then gas. Then a tire. Then a phone. Then three months of rent. By the time we had sex, I had accidentally become her municipal government. And the sex wasn't even romantic. It felt like a ribbon-cutting ceremony for a public works project. There I was. Naked, sweating, trying to perform while my green thinker calculated depreciation on her transmission. Red yelled, fuck harder. Yellow whispered, she finally feels safe. Blue became whatever position she requested. Green said, this orgasm has exceeded the approved budget. I'd finish, roll over, and ask, was that good? She'd say, my power bill is due Friday. That wasn't pillow talk. That was an invoice with nipples. Then I'd give her money because I wanted to help. And because I was terrified that if the money stopped, the attention would stop. That's the confession. I wasn't buying sex. I was renting the illusion that somebody needed me. And the security deposit was my fucking future. Welcome to the Jesse Savings Plan. I contribute every paycheck. The women mature. The account doesn't. My portfolio includes unpaid rent, disconnected phones, bald tires, motel deposits, and one handbag with better credit than me. That was my pension plan. Other state workers invested in bonds. I invested in women who needed bailouts and a man dumb enough to confuse rescue with romance. My co-workers retired at 55. My dick retired during intercourse. My pension didn't disappear. It changed outfits and left in somebody else's car. And I kept saying they took advantage of me. Sometimes people did take what I offered. But here's the part that roasts my ass. I kept walking into the same burning building carrying gasoline and calling myself the fire department. Nobody stole my boundaries. I left them on the dashboard with the keys in the ignition. I wanted to feel like a hero. Heroes get thanked. Heroes get remembered. Heroes don't go home alone. But I wasn't rescuing anybody. I was begging emergencies to love me back. That sentence cost me more than every tire, phone, motel, handbag and rent payment combined. Because once you make money, your love language, every relationship ends with an audit. The bedroom becomes accounts payable. The kitchen becomes collections. And your dick becomes an independent contractor with no insurance and terrible Yelp reviews. I'd wake up after another disaster and say, shit, mydus, fucked up again. Then I'd apologize. Then I'd pay. I'd help the next woman because loneliness doesn't learn from receipts. It just staples them together and calls them memories. Now, I look back at the fortune I spent trying not to be alone. I could have bought a house. I could have protected my pension. I could have built the candy store. Instead, I funded the Save a Ho pension plan. The women got emergency assistance. My dick got temporary employment. And I got the only retirement package shit, mydus could design. $300,000 in confessions and a fucking lifetime membership in accounts deceivable.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}