{"file": "REDLINE_09_CAPTAIN_SAVE_A_HOE_AND_THE_PUSSY_KRYPTONITE_TG.mp3", "duration_sec": 318.2, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 4.08, "text": "These are my shit-mightest confessions. Why did young Jesse do anything?"}, {"start": 5.04, "end": 13.04, "text": "Pretty face. Great pussy. That was it. You could ask me any question from 18-50 and get the same"}, {"start": 13.04, "end": 19.92, "text": "answer. Why did you buy your a car? Pretty face and pussy. Why did you pay a rent? Pretty face and"}, {"start": 19.92, "end": 24.0, "text": "pussy. Why are you hiding behind a dumpster while our boyfriend circles the block?"}, {"start": 24.8, "end": 30.88, "text": "Motherfucker, did you not hear the first two answers? I was capped in save a hoe, not Superman."}, {"start": 31.52, "end": 37.92, "text": "Superman had one weakness, kryptonite. I had two. A pretty face and the possibility of pussy."}, {"start": 38.8, "end": 43.76, "text": "Superman saw green rocks and lost his powers. I saw cleavage and lost my pin number."}, {"start": 46.32, "end": 51.6, "text": "Lex Luthor needed an elaborate criminal plan. A beautiful woman just had to look sad near a broken"}, {"start": 51.6, "end": 58.64, "text": "transmission. My cape came out. My wallet opened. My credit score whispered, not this horny mother"}, {"start": 58.64, "end": 66.8, "text": "fucker again. A woman would say, Jesse, I'm having a hard month. My yellow hugger heard pain."}, {"start": 66.8, "end": 73.04, "text": "My green thinker heard missing financial documents. My blue chameleon heard, become her dream man."}, {"start": 73.84, "end": 78.32, "text": "Red heard one thing. Pussy may be available. Launch the rescue truck."}, {"start": 78.72, "end": 85.6, "text": "I didn't have boundaries. I had business hours and pussy kept calling after closing."}, {"start": 86.24, "end": 91.36, "text": "Captain save a hoe didn't ask sensible questions. Do I know her? Can I afford this?"}, {"start": 92.0, "end": 98.16, "text": "Why is her boyfriend's motorcycle in the driveway? No. My only investigation was how pretty is"}, {"start": 98.16, "end": 104.0, "text": "the face and what are the odds the pussy has a loyalty program. I treated every beautiful woman's"}, {"start": 104.0, "end": 110.24, "text": "emergency like a superhero signal. Batman had the bat signal. I had a late night tech saying,"}, {"start": 110.24, "end": 115.52, "text": "hey stranger, two words. That was enough to make my pension put on a fucking cape."}, {"start": 116.16, "end": 120.08, "text": "She didn't even need a real emergency. My phone might get shut off."}, {"start": 121.04, "end": 129.76, "text": "Jesse to the rescue. My tire feels weird. Jesse to the rescue. I'm hungry. Jesse arrives with tacos,"}, {"start": 129.76, "end": 135.36, "text": "rent money, jumper cables, massage oil and a notarized willingness to ruin his own life."}, {"start": 136.16, "end": 142.56, "text": "I was in dating. I was door dash with an erection. I would show up carrying food like"}, {"start": 142.56, "end": 147.04, "text": "your burrito is here and so is a man prepared to misunderstand basic kindness."}, {"start": 147.68, "end": 153.28, "text": "The pussy didn't even have to ask for money. A pretty face could sigh near me and my debit card would"}, {"start": 153.28, "end": 162.08, "text": "crawl out of my pocket on its own. What's wrong? Nothing. Here's $400. That wasn't generosity."}, {"start": 162.08, "end": 168.8, "text": "That was my dick bribing the plot. And sometimes I got the pussy. That made everything worse."}, {"start": 169.36, "end": 175.2, "text": "Because now Captain Sabahoe had evidence his system worked. I'd spend $2,000,"}, {"start": 175.2, "end": 181.28, "text": "have 11 minutes of sex and call it a successful return on investment. Green would calculate"}, {"start": 181.28, "end": 189.36, "text": "that orgasm cost $181.82 per minute. Red would yell, round up, she was beautiful."}, {"start": 190.72, "end": 198.8, "text": "I never paid for pussy. No. I paid for tires, phones, rent, food, weed, motels, furniture,"}, {"start": 198.8, "end": 206.08, "text": "overdue bills, emotional emergencies and one suspiciously expensive purse. The pussy was complimentary"}, {"start": 206.88, "end": 213.04, "text": "like a mint on the pillow of financial destruction. That was my Superman costume,"}, {"start": 213.04, "end": 218.56, "text": "cape on my back, condom in my pocket, receipt in my hand for closure in the distance."}, {"start": 219.44, "end": 223.76, "text": "A normal superhero rescues somebody and flies away. I rescued somebody."}, {"start": 223.76, "end": 229.2, "text": "State three months paid the cable bill, fought with her ex, apologized for helping and left"}, {"start": 229.2, "end": 234.88, "text": "carrying one lamp because technically I bought everything else. My superpower was turning a one night"}, {"start": 234.96, "end": 241.28, "text": "stand into a 12-month payment plan. My origin story wasn't a radioactive spider. It was a beautiful"}, {"start": 241.28, "end": 247.36, "text": "woman saying, you're different from other guys. Damn right I was different. Other guys left."}, {"start": 248.0, "end": 256.88, "text": "I refinanced. Every villain knew my weakness. Pretty eyes, tight dress, one sentence. I've never had"}, {"start": 256.88, "end": 262.4, "text": "a man take care of me. Captain Sabahoe would kick through the wall yelling, you do now."}, {"start": 263.2, "end": 268.56, "text": "Then Green would walk through the same hole holding the bank statement. Actually neither of you does."}, {"start": 269.36, "end": 274.88, "text": "That's why shit might as always loses. He touches the pretty face, gets the pussy,"}, {"start": 274.88, "end": 282.72, "text": "then everything else turns into a bill. The rent becomes his. The car becomes his. The crisis becomes his."}, {"start": 282.72, "end": 288.32, "text": "The pussy becomes somebody else's and Jesse becomes the only superhero whose arch nemesis has his"}, {"start": 288.32, "end": 294.64, "text": "routing number. Captain Sabahoe always came to the rescue and you already know what happened next."}, {"start": 294.64, "end": 301.68, "text": "He got the pussy, he lost the money, he ignored Green, he blamed Kryptonite, then next month the"}, {"start": 301.68, "end": 307.84, "text": "residual check hit and the dumb horny bastard put the cape back on. That is the shit might as"}, {"start": 307.84, "end": 314.08, "text": "confession. Pretty face was the signal. Pussy was the Kryptonite and my wallet was the innocent"}, {"start": 314.08, "end": 318.0, "text": "civilian who died in every fucking episode."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nThese are my shit-mightest confessions. Why did young Jesse do anything? Pretty face. Great pussy. That was it. You could ask me any question from 18-50 and get the same answer. Why did you buy your a car? Pretty face and pussy. Why did you pay a rent? Pretty face and pussy. Why are you hiding behind a dumpster while our boyfriend circles the block? Motherfucker, did you not hear the first two answers? I was capped in save a hoe, not Superman. Superman had one weakness, kryptonite. I had two. A pretty face and the possibility of pussy. Superman saw green rocks and lost his powers. I saw cleavage and lost my pin number. Lex Luthor needed an elaborate criminal plan. A beautiful woman just had to look sad near a broken transmission. My cape came out. My wallet opened. My credit score whispered, not this horny mother fucker again. A woman would say, Jesse, I'm having a hard month. My yellow hugger heard pain. My green thinker heard missing financial documents. My blue chameleon heard, become her dream man. Red heard one thing. Pussy may be available. Launch the rescue truck. I didn't have boundaries. I had business hours and pussy kept calling after closing. Captain save a hoe didn't ask sensible questions. Do I know her? Can I afford this? Why is her boyfriend's motorcycle in the driveway? No. My only investigation was how pretty is the face and what are the odds the pussy has a loyalty program. I treated every beautiful woman's emergency like a superhero signal. Batman had the bat signal. I had a late night tech saying, hey stranger, two words. That was enough to make my pension put on a fucking cape. She didn't even need a real emergency. My phone might get shut off. Jesse to the rescue. My tire feels weird. Jesse to the rescue. I'm hungry. Jesse arrives with tacos, rent money, jumper cables, massage oil and a notarized willingness to ruin his own life. I was in dating. I was door dash with an erection. I would show up carrying food like your burrito is here and so is a man prepared to misunderstand basic kindness. The pussy didn't even have to ask for money. A pretty face could sigh near me and my debit card would crawl out of my pocket on its own. What's wrong? Nothing. Here's $400. That wasn't generosity. That was my dick bribing the plot. And sometimes I got the pussy. That made everything worse. Because now Captain Sabahoe had evidence his system worked. I'd spend $2,000, have 11 minutes of sex and call it a successful return on investment. Green would calculate that orgasm cost $181.82 per minute. Red would yell, round up, she was beautiful. I never paid for pussy. No. I paid for tires, phones, rent, food, weed, motels, furniture, overdue bills, emotional emergencies and one suspiciously expensive purse. The pussy was complimentary like a mint on the pillow of financial destruction. That was my Superman costume, cape on my back, condom in my pocket, receipt in my hand for closure in the distance. A normal superhero rescues somebody and flies away. I rescued somebody. State three months paid the cable bill, fought with her ex, apologized for helping and left carrying one lamp because technically I bought everything else. My superpower was turning a one night stand into a 12-month payment plan. My origin story wasn't a radioactive spider. It was a beautiful woman saying, you're different from other guys. Damn right I was different. Other guys left. I refinanced. Every villain knew my weakness. Pretty eyes, tight dress, one sentence. I've never had a man take care of me. Captain Sabahoe would kick through the wall yelling, you do now. Then Green would walk through the same hole holding the bank statement. Actually neither of you does. That's why shit might as always loses. He touches the pretty face, gets the pussy, then everything else turns into a bill. The rent becomes his. The car becomes his. The crisis becomes his. The pussy becomes somebody else's and Jesse becomes the only superhero whose arch nemesis has his routing number. Captain Sabahoe always came to the rescue and you already know what happened next. He got the pussy, he lost the money, he ignored Green, he blamed Kryptonite, then next month the residual check hit and the dumb horny bastard put the cape back on. That is the shit might as confession. Pretty face was the signal. Pussy was the Kryptonite and my wallet was the innocent civilian who died in every fucking episode.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}