{"file": "REDLINE_08_MORNING_AFTER_FORENSICS_TG.mp3", "duration_sec": 222.5, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 6.72, "text": "I was so lonely, horny, and high, every hookup ended like a crime scene where I was the detective,"}, {"start": 6.72, "end": 10.8, "text": "the victim, and the dumb mother fucker who contaminated the evidence."}, {"start": 10.8, "end": 16.24, "text": "I'd wake up in a strange bedroom wearing one sock, somebody else's robe, and the facial"}, {"start": 16.24, "end": 20.48, "text": "expression of a man whose dick had invoked its right to remain silent."}, {"start": 20.48, "end": 22.76, "text": "First question, where am I?"}, {"start": 22.76, "end": 24.84, "text": "Second question, who is she?"}, {"start": 24.84, "end": 27.84, "text": "Third question, why is my debit card sweating?"}, {"start": 27.84, "end": 29.76, "text": "I didn't have morning after regret."}, {"start": 29.76, "end": 31.56, "text": "I had morning after forensics."}, {"start": 31.56, "end": 36.24, "text": "I'd reconstruct the night using receipts, bruises, taco wrappers, and whatever the fuck"}, {"start": 36.24, "end": 38.04, "text": "was stuck to my left thigh."}, {"start": 38.04, "end": 40.6, "text": "There'd be a receipt from a bar I didn't remember."}, {"start": 40.6, "end": 43.16, "text": "A receipt from a restaurant I couldn't afford."}, {"start": 43.16, "end": 49.6, "text": "A receipt from a gas station 40 miles away, and one mysterious charge labeled, fun night,"}, {"start": 49.6, "end": 51.04, "text": "final sale."}, {"start": 51.04, "end": 52.04, "text": "Final sale?"}, {"start": 52.04, "end": 54.4, "text": "My dick went shopping at a clearance rack."}, {"start": 54.4, "end": 58.2, "text": "No exchanges, no dignity, store credit only."}, {"start": 58.2, "end": 62.68, "text": "I'd look around the room for clues, one high heel by the television, my underwear hanging"}, {"start": 62.68, "end": 64.0, "text": "from a ceiling fan."}, {"start": 64.0, "end": 67.4, "text": "A half-eaten burrito tucked into bed like we adopted it."}, {"start": 67.4, "end": 69.92, "text": "That burrito had better boundaries than I did."}, {"start": 69.92, "end": 73.04, "text": "Then she'd roll over and whisper last night was wild."}, {"start": 73.04, "end": 74.52, "text": "That is not information."}, {"start": 74.52, "end": 77.32, "text": "That's what the coroner says before uncovering the body."}, {"start": 77.32, "end": 79.52, "text": "I'd ask, did we have sex?"}, {"start": 79.52, "end": 81.4, "text": "She'd say, you don't remember?"}, {"start": 81.4, "end": 82.4, "text": "No lady."}, {"start": 82.4, "end": 87.48, "text": "I don't remember my password, my retirement plan, or why there's salsa in my ass crack."}, {"start": 87.48, "end": 88.92, "text": "Let me narrow it down."}, {"start": 88.92, "end": 91.72, "text": "She'd smile and say, you were amazing."}, {"start": 91.72, "end": 94.08, "text": "Now I knew she was lying."}, {"start": 94.08, "end": 98.0, "text": "If I were amazing, I wouldn't be awake at six in the morning looking for my left shoe"}, {"start": 98.0, "end": 99.44, "text": "inside a litter box."}, {"start": 99.44, "end": 101.52, "text": "My penis wasn't a sex organ."}, {"start": 101.52, "end": 107.28, "text": "It was a drunk little project manager with no budget and an unlimited disaster deadline."}, {"start": 107.28, "end": 110.32, "text": "At midnight, it would announce, we're getting laid."}, {"start": 110.32, "end": 114.08, "text": "At sunrise, my asshole had to present the quarterly losses."}, {"start": 114.08, "end": 115.76, "text": "Good morning, shareholders."}, {"start": 115.76, "end": 119.28, "text": "Last night, the penis division exceeded expectations."}, {"start": 119.28, "end": 125.52, "text": "Unfortunately, wallet, liver, lower back, and self-respect have all filed for bankruptcy."}, {"start": 125.52, "end": 129.56, "text": "Human resources would also like to know who waxed one of our eyebrows."}, {"start": 129.56, "end": 130.8, "text": "That was the mystery."}, {"start": 130.8, "end": 135.52, "text": "I went out with two eyebrows and came home looking permanently suspicious."}, {"start": 135.52, "end": 137.16, "text": "I'd check my phone."}, {"start": 137.16, "end": 139.28, "text": "Thirty-seven outgoing texts."}, {"start": 139.28, "end": 140.56, "text": "Four food orders."}, {"start": 140.56, "end": 145.24, "text": "One marriage proposal and a video of me telling a houseplant, you're the only woman who"}, {"start": 145.24, "end": 146.72, "text": "understands me."}, {"start": 146.72, "end": 149.0, "text": "The houseplant left me on red."}, {"start": 149.0, "end": 152.12, "text": "Even the ficus knew I was a red flag with car keys."}, {"start": 152.12, "end": 154.32, "text": "Then the financial horror started."}, {"start": 154.32, "end": 156.0, "text": "Can you send me money for breakfast?"}, {"start": 156.0, "end": 157.0, "text": "Sure."}, {"start": 157.0, "end": 158.0, "text": "For gas?"}, {"start": 158.0, "end": 159.0, "text": "Sure."}, {"start": 159.0, "end": 160.0, "text": "For rent?"}, {"start": 160.0, "end": 161.0, "text": "Sure."}, {"start": 161.0, "end": 162.0, "text": "For therapy?"}, {"start": 162.0, "end": 163.0, "text": "After meeting you?"}, {"start": 163.0, "end": 164.92, "text": "Honestly, that one seemed medically necessary."}, {"start": 164.92, "end": 167.16, "text": "My hornie ass didn't have a dating budget."}, {"start": 167.16, "end": 169.4, "text": "It had a disaster relief fund."}, {"start": 169.4, "end": 171.56, "text": "Every erection triggered federal assistance."}, {"start": 171.56, "end": 174.52, "text": "A woman would unzip my pants and somewhere."}, {"start": 174.52, "end": 177.48, "text": "My bank app would issue an evacuation warning."}, {"start": 177.48, "end": 178.96, "text": "My balls weren't blue."}, {"start": 178.96, "end": 180.32, "text": "They were overdrafted."}, {"start": 180.32, "end": 182.56, "text": "My dick didn't rise to the occasion."}, {"start": 182.56, "end": 184.76, "text": "It rose to variable interest rates."}, {"start": 184.76, "end": 188.08, "text": "And every time I promised myself, never again."}, {"start": 188.08, "end": 190.32, "text": "Then night time came."}, {"start": 190.32, "end": 195.56, "text": "I'd smoke cannabis, get lonely, open my phone, and become a drunken explorer with a heart"}, {"start": 195.56, "end": 196.56, "text": "on."}, {"start": 196.56, "end": 197.8, "text": "I wasn't looking for love."}, {"start": 197.8, "end": 201.92, "text": "I was mapping new ways to lose money in apartments where I couldn't find the exit."}, {"start": 201.92, "end": 206.52, "text": "The next morning, I'd wake up, collect the receipts, locate my underwear, apologize"}, {"start": 206.52, "end": 209.92, "text": "to the houseplant, and conduct the final investigation."}, {"start": 209.92, "end": 212.8, "text": "Cause of death, loneliness, weapon, cannabis."}, {"start": 212.8, "end": 218.2, "text": "Accomplice my dick, motive, pussy, total damages, whatever was left in checking."}, {"start": 218.2, "end": 219.2, "text": "Case closed?"}, {"start": 219.2, "end": 220.2, "text": "Fuck no."}, {"start": 220.2, "end": 222.32, "text": "My hornie ass had already appealed the verdict."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nI was so lonely, horny, and high, every hookup ended like a crime scene where I was the detective, the victim, and the dumb mother fucker who contaminated the evidence. I'd wake up in a strange bedroom wearing one sock, somebody else's robe, and the facial expression of a man whose dick had invoked its right to remain silent. First question, where am I? Second question, who is she? Third question, why is my debit card sweating? I didn't have morning after regret. I had morning after forensics. I'd reconstruct the night using receipts, bruises, taco wrappers, and whatever the fuck was stuck to my left thigh. There'd be a receipt from a bar I didn't remember. A receipt from a restaurant I couldn't afford. A receipt from a gas station 40 miles away, and one mysterious charge labeled, fun night, final sale. Final sale? My dick went shopping at a clearance rack. No exchanges, no dignity, store credit only. I'd look around the room for clues, one high heel by the television, my underwear hanging from a ceiling fan. A half-eaten burrito tucked into bed like we adopted it. That burrito had better boundaries than I did. Then she'd roll over and whisper last night was wild. That is not information. That's what the coroner says before uncovering the body. I'd ask, did we have sex? She'd say, you don't remember? No lady. I don't remember my password, my retirement plan, or why there's salsa in my ass crack. Let me narrow it down. She'd smile and say, you were amazing. Now I knew she was lying. If I were amazing, I wouldn't be awake at six in the morning looking for my left shoe inside a litter box. My penis wasn't a sex organ. It was a drunk little project manager with no budget and an unlimited disaster deadline. At midnight, it would announce, we're getting laid. At sunrise, my asshole had to present the quarterly losses. Good morning, shareholders. Last night, the penis division exceeded expectations. Unfortunately, wallet, liver, lower back, and self-respect have all filed for bankruptcy. Human resources would also like to know who waxed one of our eyebrows. That was the mystery. I went out with two eyebrows and came home looking permanently suspicious. I'd check my phone. Thirty-seven outgoing texts. Four food orders. One marriage proposal and a video of me telling a houseplant, you're the only woman who understands me. The houseplant left me on red. Even the ficus knew I was a red flag with car keys. Then the financial horror started. Can you send me money for breakfast? Sure. For gas? Sure. For rent? Sure. For therapy? After meeting you? Honestly, that one seemed medically necessary. My hornie ass didn't have a dating budget. It had a disaster relief fund. Every erection triggered federal assistance. A woman would unzip my pants and somewhere. My bank app would issue an evacuation warning. My balls weren't blue. They were overdrafted. My dick didn't rise to the occasion. It rose to variable interest rates. And every time I promised myself, never again. Then night time came. I'd smoke cannabis, get lonely, open my phone, and become a drunken explorer with a heart on. I wasn't looking for love. I was mapping new ways to lose money in apartments where I couldn't find the exit. The next morning, I'd wake up, collect the receipts, locate my underwear, apologize to the houseplant, and conduct the final investigation. Cause of death, loneliness, weapon, cannabis. Accomplice my dick, motive, pussy, total damages, whatever was left in checking. Case closed? Fuck no. My hornie ass had already appealed the verdict.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}