{"file": "REDLINE_07_THE_LAUNDROMAT_HEIRESS_TG.mp3", "duration_sec": 385.4, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 8.64, "text": "These are the shit-midest confessions. All fake. All adult. All jokes. No reasonable man would do"}, {"start": 8.64, "end": 14.24, "text": "this much stupid shit. Then again, reasonable men don't call their penis a non-profit."}, {"start": 15.92, "end": 22.72, "text": "I was 18 when I learned my family business. Captain Savahoe Emergency Services. My first fictional"}, {"start": 22.72, "end": 28.0, "text": "rescue happened at a laundromat. I saw a beautiful woman crying beside a broken washing machine."}, {"start": 28.48, "end": 34.48, "text": "A normal 18-year-old would think, that sucks. I thought, this is how sex begins."}, {"start": 35.44, "end": 40.16, "text": "That was my first adult financial theory. Every wet bra is a business opportunity."}, {"start": 40.72, "end": 47.12, "text": "She said, the machine ate my quarters. I said, don't worry, I'll help. Four words."}, {"start": 48.48, "end": 54.4, "text": "The mating call of the financially doomed. I put in four quarters. The machine ate those two."}, {"start": 54.96, "end": 60.88, "text": "She cried harder. I put in eight more. The machine ate everything. At that point, the washing"}, {"start": 60.88, "end": 67.28, "text": "machine had made more money than I had all week. She said, I really need these clothes for work."}, {"start": 67.92, "end": 76.32, "text": "I had just received my first paycheck. $280. I was rich. Not actually rich. 18-year-old rich."}, {"start": 76.72, "end": 81.92, "text": "The kind of rich where you buy name brand cereal and stop checking the gas gauge. So I marched to the"}, {"start": 81.92, "end": 88.96, "text": "front desk and said, how much for a new washer? The owner said, a new washer? I said, yeah, this woman"}, {"start": 88.96, "end": 95.2, "text": "needs help. He looked at her. He looked at me. He recognized the oldest financial transaction in"}, {"start": 95.2, "end": 104.64, "text": "history. A horny idiot near an appliance. He said, $300. I had $280. So I borrowed $20 from the woman"}, {"start": 104.64, "end": 112.72, "text": "I was trying to rescue. That shit might as capitalism. She invested $20. I lost $300. And somehow,"}, {"start": 112.72, "end": 118.4, "text": "I still felt like the provider. The owner sold me a used washing machine that was already inside his"}, {"start": 118.4, "end": 125.12, "text": "laundromat. I didn't take it home. I didn't own the building. I bought a public appliance and left it"}, {"start": 125.12, "end": 132.4, "text": "exactly where it was. At 18, I became the youngest landlord in America with no land, no building,"}, {"start": 132.4, "end": 138.8, "text": "and one washing machine full of another woman's underwear. She hugged me. My yellow hugger said,"}, {"start": 138.8, "end": 146.4, "text": "she appreciates us. Blue said, become whatever she needs. Green said, we just purchased an appliance we"}, {"start": 146.4, "end": 155.12, "text": "cannot move. Red said, shut the fuck up. There's a thong in the spin cycle. Ha ha ha ha. The dryer buzzed."}, {"start": 155.12, "end": 161.6, "text": "She pulled out a lace bra. I stared at it like I had discovered fire. She said, do you like it?"}, {"start": 162.24, "end": 170.48, "text": "I said, I support local business. That was my first dirty talk attempt. She laughed. I fell in love."}, {"start": 170.48, "end": 176.56, "text": "That's all it took at 18. One laugh and a bra. I was ready to add her to my pension before I had a"}, {"start": 176.56, "end": 183.52, "text": "pension. She invited me into the laundromat bathroom. I thought the rescue worked. We started kissing."}, {"start": 184.08, "end": 190.4, "text": "I tried to unhook her bra. Couldn't do it. One hook became three. Three became a fucking"}, {"start": 190.4, "end": 197.84, "text": "combination lock. Ha ha ha. I was 18, horny, sweating, and trying to crack lingerie like a bank vault."}, {"start": 198.4, "end": 206.08, "text": "She said, do you need help? I said, no, I'm a man. That sentence delayed sex in other 20 minutes."}, {"start": 206.72, "end": 212.32, "text": "When the bra finally opened, I celebrated too early. My dick heard the applause and finished the"}, {"start": 212.32, "end": 219.28, "text": "project before construction started. She looked down. I looked down. The bathroom hand dryer turned"}, {"start": 219.28, "end": 226.64, "text": "on by itself. Even the wall was laughing at me. I said, that usually doesn't happen. That was a lie."}, {"start": 226.64, "end": 235.6, "text": "I had no usually. I had just opened the business. Ha ha ha. She said, it's okay. That sentence hurt"}, {"start": 235.6, "end": 242.64, "text": "worse than laughter. It's okay is what you say when a toddler drops ice cream or a grown man ejaculates"}, {"start": 242.64, "end": 249.68, "text": "during the safety briefing. I wanted a second chance. She wanted detergent. So I bought detergent."}, {"start": 250.24, "end": 257.76, "text": "Then dryer sheets. Then fabric softener. Then bleach. I didn't get laid. I sponsored a fucking"}, {"start": 257.76, "end": 265.04, "text": "laundry aisle. Ha ha ha. She said she needed a ride home. Of course she did. I loaded her clean"}, {"start": 265.04, "end": 272.56, "text": "clothes into my car. I drove across town. She said, can we stop for food? Of course we could. I had"}, {"start": 272.56, "end": 278.16, "text": "nine dollars left and the confidence of a man who technically owned commercial equipment. I bought"}, {"start": 278.16, "end": 284.72, "text": "tacos. At her apartment she kissed my cheek and said, you're such a sweet guy. Sweet guy."}, {"start": 286.72, "end": 294.96, "text": "The participation trophy of pussy. Then a man opened her apartment door. Big dude, no shirt. Holding"}, {"start": 294.96, "end": 302.48, "text": "my $20. He said, thanks for helping my girlfriend. I looked at her. I looked at him. I looked at"}, {"start": 302.48, "end": 309.76, "text": "my empty wallet. Then I realized she hadn't loaned me $20. He had. Her boyfriend financed my"}, {"start": 309.76, "end": 316.56, "text": "attempt to fuck his girlfriend. Ha ha ha. That wasn't a love triangle. That was venture capital."}, {"start": 317.28, "end": 323.04, "text": "He was the angel investor. I was the failing startup. The washing machine was the only asset."}, {"start": 323.68, "end": 329.28, "text": "I drove back to the laundromat to reclaim my investment. The laundromat was closed. The owner had"}, {"start": 329.28, "end": 337.92, "text": "taped a sign to the washer out of order. $300. First paycheck gone. No sex. No girlfriend. No"}, {"start": 337.92, "end": 344.32, "text": "washing machine. One cheek kiss. And a lifetime supply of emotional fabric softener. That was my"}, {"start": 344.32, "end": 350.48, "text": "first shit might as confession. At 18, I learned the formula that would follow me until 50. See a"}, {"start": 350.48, "end": 359.04, "text": "woman in trouble. Offer help. Ignore the boyfriend. Spend the paycheck. Finish too early. Apologize."}, {"start": 359.6, "end": 365.44, "text": "Drive home alone. Other men lost their virginity at 18. I lost the appliance warranty."}, {"start": 366.96, "end": 372.32, "text": "And that's how captain Sabahoe entered the family business. Not with a woman screaming my name,"}, {"start": 372.32, "end": 377.6, "text": "but with a washing machine eating my quarters and a hand dryer laughing at my dick. No way,"}, {"start": 377.6, "end": 384.32, "text": "Jesse did this. Or did he? Either way, the receipt is fucking hilarious. Ha ha ha."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nThese are the shit-midest confessions. All fake. All adult. All jokes. No reasonable man would do this much stupid shit. Then again, reasonable men don't call their penis a non-profit. I was 18 when I learned my family business. Captain Savahoe Emergency Services. My first fictional rescue happened at a laundromat. I saw a beautiful woman crying beside a broken washing machine. A normal 18-year-old would think, that sucks. I thought, this is how sex begins. That was my first adult financial theory. Every wet bra is a business opportunity. She said, the machine ate my quarters. I said, don't worry, I'll help. Four words. The mating call of the financially doomed. I put in four quarters. The machine ate those two. She cried harder. I put in eight more. The machine ate everything. At that point, the washing machine had made more money than I had all week. She said, I really need these clothes for work. I had just received my first paycheck. $280. I was rich. Not actually rich. 18-year-old rich. The kind of rich where you buy name brand cereal and stop checking the gas gauge. So I marched to the front desk and said, how much for a new washer? The owner said, a new washer? I said, yeah, this woman needs help. He looked at her. He looked at me. He recognized the oldest financial transaction in history. A horny idiot near an appliance. He said, $300. I had $280. So I borrowed $20 from the woman I was trying to rescue. That shit might as capitalism. She invested $20. I lost $300. And somehow, I still felt like the provider. The owner sold me a used washing machine that was already inside his laundromat. I didn't take it home. I didn't own the building. I bought a public appliance and left it exactly where it was. At 18, I became the youngest landlord in America with no land, no building, and one washing machine full of another woman's underwear. She hugged me. My yellow hugger said, she appreciates us. Blue said, become whatever she needs. Green said, we just purchased an appliance we cannot move. Red said, shut the fuck up. There's a thong in the spin cycle. Ha ha ha ha. The dryer buzzed. She pulled out a lace bra. I stared at it like I had discovered fire. She said, do you like it? I said, I support local business. That was my first dirty talk attempt. She laughed. I fell in love. That's all it took at 18. One laugh and a bra. I was ready to add her to my pension before I had a pension. She invited me into the laundromat bathroom. I thought the rescue worked. We started kissing. I tried to unhook her bra. Couldn't do it. One hook became three. Three became a fucking combination lock. Ha ha ha. I was 18, horny, sweating, and trying to crack lingerie like a bank vault. She said, do you need help? I said, no, I'm a man. That sentence delayed sex in other 20 minutes. When the bra finally opened, I celebrated too early. My dick heard the applause and finished the project before construction started. She looked down. I looked down. The bathroom hand dryer turned on by itself. Even the wall was laughing at me. I said, that usually doesn't happen. That was a lie. I had no usually. I had just opened the business. Ha ha ha. She said, it's okay. That sentence hurt worse than laughter. It's okay is what you say when a toddler drops ice cream or a grown man ejaculates during the safety briefing. I wanted a second chance. She wanted detergent. So I bought detergent. Then dryer sheets. Then fabric softener. Then bleach. I didn't get laid. I sponsored a fucking laundry aisle. Ha ha ha. She said she needed a ride home. Of course she did. I loaded her clean clothes into my car. I drove across town. She said, can we stop for food? Of course we could. I had nine dollars left and the confidence of a man who technically owned commercial equipment. I bought tacos. At her apartment she kissed my cheek and said, you're such a sweet guy. Sweet guy. The participation trophy of pussy. Then a man opened her apartment door. Big dude, no shirt. Holding my $20. He said, thanks for helping my girlfriend. I looked at her. I looked at him. I looked at my empty wallet. Then I realized she hadn't loaned me $20. He had. Her boyfriend financed my attempt to fuck his girlfriend. Ha ha ha. That wasn't a love triangle. That was venture capital. He was the angel investor. I was the failing startup. The washing machine was the only asset. I drove back to the laundromat to reclaim my investment. The laundromat was closed. The owner had taped a sign to the washer out of order. $300. First paycheck gone. No sex. No girlfriend. No washing machine. One cheek kiss. And a lifetime supply of emotional fabric softener. That was my first shit might as confession. At 18, I learned the formula that would follow me until 50. See a woman in trouble. Offer help. Ignore the boyfriend. Spend the paycheck. Finish too early. Apologize. Drive home alone. Other men lost their virginity at 18. I lost the appliance warranty. And that's how captain Sabahoe entered the family business. Not with a woman screaming my name, but with a washing machine eating my quarters and a hand dryer laughing at my dick. No way, Jesse did this. Or did he? Either way, the receipt is fucking hilarious. Ha ha ha.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}