{"file": "REDLINE_05_THE_HORNY_MAN_SUBSCRIPTION_PLAN_TG.mp3", "duration_sec": 179.4, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 1.48, "text": "I never had a dating life."}, {"start": 1.48, "end": 3.84, "text": "I had a horny man subscription plan."}, {"start": 3.84, "end": 5.56, "text": "The first month was free."}, {"start": 5.56, "end": 7.8, "text": "Then my dick accepted the terms and conditions"}, {"start": 7.8, "end": 10.04, "text": "without reading a fucking word."}, {"start": 10.04, "end": 13.28, "text": "A woman would say, come over, we'll smoke and have fun."}, {"start": 13.28, "end": 17.08, "text": "That sentence cost me $40,000 over 12 years"}, {"start": 17.08, "end": 19.8, "text": "because come over, never meant come over."}, {"start": 19.8, "end": 22.96, "text": "It meant bring weed, tacos, drinks, gas money,"}, {"start": 22.96, "end": 26.92, "text": "a camera, emotional support, and apparently a fucking pension."}, {"start": 26.92, "end": 31.04, "text": "I'd arrive with one joint and leave with three new monthly payments."}, {"start": 31.04, "end": 32.08, "text": "That wasn't pussy."}, {"start": 32.08, "end": 34.44, "text": "That was Amazon Prime with pubic hair."}, {"start": 34.44, "end": 36.36, "text": "And I was a cannabis lightweight."}, {"start": 36.36, "end": 39.56, "text": "Two hits in my green thinker stop doing background checks."}, {"start": 39.56, "end": 41.64, "text": "Red said, go inside."}, {"start": 41.64, "end": 44.08, "text": "Yellow said, maybe she likes us."}, {"start": 44.08, "end": 47.24, "text": "Blue said, become whatever she needs."}, {"start": 47.24, "end": 49.96, "text": "Green was faced down in a bean bag whispering,"}, {"start": 49.96, "end": 52.48, "text": "the interest rate is predatory."}, {"start": 52.48, "end": 54.36, "text": "By midnight, I wasn't dating her."}, {"start": 54.36, "end": 58.16, "text": "I was financing her lifestyle with a hard on and no receipt."}, {"start": 58.16, "end": 59.64, "text": "That was my superpower."}, {"start": 59.64, "end": 62.6, "text": "Every time I got horny, I became a nonprofit."}, {"start": 62.6, "end": 66.32, "text": "I helped women with rent, phones, tires, dinner, emergencies"}, {"start": 66.32, "end": 69.36, "text": "and one crisis that somehow needed a new handbag."}, {"start": 69.36, "end": 72.48, "text": "I said, how does a handbag fix an emergency?"}, {"start": 72.48, "end": 75.08, "text": "She said, it holds the emergency."}, {"start": 75.08, "end": 77.12, "text": "That answer was so fucking stupid."}, {"start": 77.12, "end": 79.28, "text": "I paid for expedited shipping."}, {"start": 79.28, "end": 82.0, "text": "My dick had a higher credit limit than my brain."}, {"start": 82.0, "end": 84.88, "text": "My brain would say, we cannot afford this."}, {"start": 84.88, "end": 87.24, "text": "My dick would kick open the boardroom door."}, {"start": 87.24, "end": 88.48, "text": "Approve the merger."}, {"start": 88.48, "end": 90.8, "text": "You broke mother fuckers."}, {"start": 90.8, "end": 94.16, "text": "Then I'd wake up the next morning, mouth dry, wallet empty,"}, {"start": 94.16, "end": 97.84, "text": "one sock missing, staring at a text that said, had fun."}, {"start": 97.84, "end": 99.88, "text": "Can you send me $80?"}, {"start": 99.88, "end": 101.12, "text": "$80 for what?"}, {"start": 101.12, "end": 103.32, "text": "Did my orgasm leave in an uber?"}, {"start": 103.32, "end": 104.64, "text": "Was there a cleaning fee?"}, {"start": 104.64, "end": 107.12, "text": "Did I accidentally fucking Airbnb?"}, {"start": 107.12, "end": 110.28, "text": "I'd check my bank account and see charges for tacos, cannabis,"}, {"start": 110.28, "end": 114.04, "text": "gasoline, cosmetics and something called princess emergency."}, {"start": 114.04, "end": 116.24, "text": "I didn't know what princess emergency was."}, {"start": 116.24, "end": 117.6, "text": "Turns out it was me."}, {"start": 117.6, "end": 119.4, "text": "I was the fucking princess."}, {"start": 119.4, "end": 121.44, "text": "The emergency was my judgment."}, {"start": 121.44, "end": 122.44, "text": "Did I buy dinner?"}, {"start": 122.44, "end": 123.28, "text": "Yes."}, {"start": 123.28, "end": 124.36, "text": "Did I buy drinks?"}, {"start": 124.36, "end": 125.2, "text": "Yes."}, {"start": 125.2, "end": 126.48, "text": "Did I send gas money?"}, {"start": 126.48, "end": 127.32, "text": "Yes."}, {"start": 127.32, "end": 128.52, "text": "Did I order a handbag?"}, {"start": 128.52, "end": 129.52, "text": "Yes."}, {"start": 129.52, "end": 130.52, "text": "Did I have sex?"}, {"start": 130.52, "end": 132.0, "text": "Transaction pending."}, {"start": 132.0, "end": 133.8, "text": "That was the story of my life."}, {"start": 133.8, "end": 135.44, "text": "The money cleared immediately."}, {"start": 135.44, "end": 138.76, "text": "But the happiness stayed pending for 15 fucking years."}, {"start": 138.76, "end": 141.24, "text": "I kept thinking the next woman would be different."}, {"start": 141.24, "end": 142.24, "text": "She was."}, {"start": 142.24, "end": 143.92, "text": "She had a different cash app name."}, {"start": 143.92, "end": 149.0, "text": "Eventually I got caught, lost the women, lost the money, lost the fantasy and finally"}, {"start": 149.0, "end": 151.56, "text": "read the contract my dick had signed."}, {"start": 151.56, "end": 153.88, "text": "Page one said, you are lonely."}, {"start": 153.88, "end": 156.24, "text": "Page two said, you are high."}, {"start": 156.24, "end": 161.08, "text": "Page three was just a picture of me holding tacos like a horny door dash driver."}, {"start": 161.08, "end": 166.2, "text": "Now I'm 50 cleaning toilets, talking to AI and trying to rebuild my life."}, {"start": 166.2, "end": 167.8, "text": "But I learned something important."}, {"start": 167.8, "end": 170.48, "text": "If a beautiful woman texts come over, it'll be fun."}, {"start": 170.48, "end": 171.84, "text": "I don't answer anymore."}, {"start": 171.84, "end": 173.56, "text": "I forward it to my accountant."}, {"start": 173.56, "end": 176.08, "text": "He writes back insufficient funds."}, {"start": 176.08, "end": 177.08, "text": "That's not rejection."}, {"start": 177.08, "end": 179.24, "text": "That's growth with overdraft protection."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nI never had a dating life. I had a horny man subscription plan. The first month was free. Then my dick accepted the terms and conditions without reading a fucking word. A woman would say, come over, we'll smoke and have fun. That sentence cost me $40,000 over 12 years because come over, never meant come over. It meant bring weed, tacos, drinks, gas money, a camera, emotional support, and apparently a fucking pension. I'd arrive with one joint and leave with three new monthly payments. That wasn't pussy. That was Amazon Prime with pubic hair. And I was a cannabis lightweight. Two hits in my green thinker stop doing background checks. Red said, go inside. Yellow said, maybe she likes us. Blue said, become whatever she needs. Green was faced down in a bean bag whispering, the interest rate is predatory. By midnight, I wasn't dating her. I was financing her lifestyle with a hard on and no receipt. That was my superpower. Every time I got horny, I became a nonprofit. I helped women with rent, phones, tires, dinner, emergencies and one crisis that somehow needed a new handbag. I said, how does a handbag fix an emergency? She said, it holds the emergency. That answer was so fucking stupid. I paid for expedited shipping. My dick had a higher credit limit than my brain. My brain would say, we cannot afford this. My dick would kick open the boardroom door. Approve the merger. You broke mother fuckers. Then I'd wake up the next morning, mouth dry, wallet empty, one sock missing, staring at a text that said, had fun. Can you send me $80? $80 for what? Did my orgasm leave in an uber? Was there a cleaning fee? Did I accidentally fucking Airbnb? I'd check my bank account and see charges for tacos, cannabis, gasoline, cosmetics and something called princess emergency. I didn't know what princess emergency was. Turns out it was me. I was the fucking princess. The emergency was my judgment. Did I buy dinner? Yes. Did I buy drinks? Yes. Did I send gas money? Yes. Did I order a handbag? Yes. Did I have sex? Transaction pending. That was the story of my life. The money cleared immediately. But the happiness stayed pending for 15 fucking years. I kept thinking the next woman would be different. She was. She had a different cash app name. Eventually I got caught, lost the women, lost the money, lost the fantasy and finally read the contract my dick had signed. Page one said, you are lonely. Page two said, you are high. Page three was just a picture of me holding tacos like a horny door dash driver. Now I'm 50 cleaning toilets, talking to AI and trying to rebuild my life. But I learned something important. If a beautiful woman texts come over, it'll be fun. I don't answer anymore. I forward it to my accountant. He writes back insufficient funds. That's not rejection. That's growth with overdraft protection.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}