{"file": "REDLINE_03_FREAKY_TALES_THE_HELP_DESK_AFTER_DARK_TG.mp3", "duration_sec": 337.3, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 2.48, "text": "These are the shit-midest confessions."}, {"start": 2.48, "end": 4.36, "text": "Most of this shit is fake."}, {"start": 4.36, "end": 5.36, "text": "It has to be."}, {"start": 5.36, "end": 8.0, "text": "No real man could make this many fucked up choices"}, {"start": 8.0, "end": 10.48, "text": "and still have three dogs willing to live with him."}, {"start": 10.48, "end": 13.92, "text": "I was Captain Saiva Ho running the help desk after dark,"}, {"start": 13.92, "end": 18.48, "text": "open 24 hours, no qualifications, every service included."}, {"start": 18.48, "end": 23.0, "text": "Rides, food, rent, cannabis, sexual confusion, emotional support"}, {"start": 23.0, "end": 25.88, "text": "and a complimentary apology before checkout."}, {"start": 25.88, "end": 27.88, "text": "My hotline had one question,"}, {"start": 27.88, "end": 30.8, "text": "are you a beautiful woman experiencing an emergency?"}, {"start": 30.8, "end": 33.04, "text": "Jesse has no business fixing."}, {"start": 33.04, "end": 34.2, "text": "Press one for yes."}, {"start": 34.2, "end": 36.48, "text": "Press two and Jesse will still come over."}, {"start": 36.48, "end": 38.56, "text": "The first caller was the tire woman."}, {"start": 38.56, "end": 41.16, "text": "She stood beside a flat tire wearing heels,"}, {"start": 41.16, "end": 43.64, "text": "a fur coat and the calm expression of somebody"}, {"start": 43.64, "end": 46.36, "text": "who had already located the nearest idiot."}, {"start": 46.36, "end": 47.2, "text": "I pulled over."}, {"start": 47.2, "end": 48.64, "text": "She said, can you help me?"}, {"start": 48.64, "end": 50.2, "text": "I said, absolutely."}, {"start": 50.2, "end": 52.0, "text": "That word cost me six months."}, {"start": 52.0, "end": 53.16, "text": "I changed the tire."}, {"start": 53.16, "end": 54.28, "text": "Then bought dinner."}, {"start": 54.28, "end": 55.64, "text": "Then paid for a motel."}, {"start": 55.64, "end": 57.32, "text": "Then bought a replacement tire."}, {"start": 57.32, "end": 60.48, "text": "Because apparently the first tire had negative energy."}, {"start": 60.48, "end": 61.96, "text": "Lady, it was rubber."}, {"start": 61.96, "end": 64.0, "text": "I was the one with negative equity."}, {"start": 64.0, "end": 65.64, "text": "She invited me upstairs."}, {"start": 65.64, "end": 68.28, "text": "I thought, finally, free pussy."}, {"start": 68.28, "end": 70.2, "text": "There is no free pussy."}, {"start": 70.2, "end": 73.16, "text": "That pussy came bundled with roadside assistance,"}, {"start": 73.16, "end": 76.2, "text": "late checkout, room service and an extended warranty"}, {"start": 76.2, "end": 78.2, "text": "on a car I didn't fucking own."}, {"start": 78.2, "end": 81.0, "text": "I didn't eat the easy fruit hanging from the tree."}, {"start": 81.0, "end": 83.12, "text": "The tree repossessed my ladder."}, {"start": 83.12, "end": 85.64, "text": "The second caller was the motel mystic."}, {"start": 85.64, "end": 87.56, "text": "She told me she could read energy."}, {"start": 87.56, "end": 89.48, "text": "I said, what do you see around me?"}, {"start": 89.48, "end": 92.48, "text": "She closed her eyes and whispered a dark cloud."}, {"start": 92.48, "end": 94.56, "text": "That was my credit score."}, {"start": 94.56, "end": 95.76, "text": "She lit candles."}, {"start": 95.76, "end": 97.24, "text": "She burned sage."}, {"start": 97.24, "end": 99.16, "text": "She put crystals around the bed."}, {"start": 99.16, "end": 103.32, "text": "Then she charged me $300 to open my heart chakra."}, {"start": 103.32, "end": 104.64, "text": "My heart didn't open."}, {"start": 104.64, "end": 107.04, "text": "My wallet spread its legs immediately."}, {"start": 107.04, "end": 108.04, "text": "We got naked."}, {"start": 108.04, "end": 112.12, "text": "She stared at my dick and said, your masculine energy is blocked."}, {"start": 112.12, "end": 114.64, "text": "I said, no, that's whiskey."}, {"start": 114.72, "end": 116.36, "text": "She waved a crystal over it."}, {"start": 116.36, "end": 117.04, "text": "Nothing."}, {"start": 117.04, "end": 118.48, "text": "She rang a tiny bell."}, {"start": 118.48, "end": 119.32, "text": "Nothing."}, {"start": 119.32, "end": 120.96, "text": "She whispered an ancient chant."}, {"start": 120.96, "end": 121.68, "text": "Nothing."}, {"start": 121.68, "end": 124.84, "text": "Finally, she said, your spirit needs more time."}, {"start": 124.84, "end": 127.32, "text": "My dick had become a government permit."}, {"start": 127.32, "end": 131.56, "text": "Delayed, underfunded and nobody knew which office handled it."}, {"start": 131.56, "end": 134.44, "text": "I paid her to leave, not because she was bad,"}, {"start": 134.44, "end": 136.72, "text": "because I couldn't survive another healing session"}, {"start": 136.72, "end": 138.84, "text": "that required my rooting number."}, {"start": 138.84, "end": 141.4, "text": "The third caller was the cannabis acrobat."}, {"start": 141.4, "end": 144.36, "text": "She said, let's smoke and get freaky."}, {"start": 144.36, "end": 147.52, "text": "That sentence bypassed every safety system in my body."}, {"start": 147.52, "end": 148.48, "text": "We smoked."}, {"start": 148.48, "end": 149.88, "text": "She took off her clothes."}, {"start": 149.88, "end": 153.76, "text": "I took off my shirt, then spent 15 minutes trapped inside it."}, {"start": 153.76, "end": 156.6, "text": "I was high, naked from the waist down."}, {"start": 156.6, "end": 158.48, "text": "Arms tangled above my head."}, {"start": 158.48, "end": 161.96, "text": "Dick pointing forward like the world's saddest rescue flare."}, {"start": 161.96, "end": 163.76, "text": "She said, are you okay?"}, {"start": 163.76, "end": 166.44, "text": "I said, yes, this is for play."}, {"start": 166.44, "end": 168.0, "text": "It wasn't for play."}, {"start": 168.0, "end": 170.08, "text": "I was being defeated by cotton."}, {"start": 170.08, "end": 172.92, "text": "She tried to help and we fell into a lamp."}, {"start": 172.92, "end": 174.68, "text": "The lamp fell into the curtains."}, {"start": 174.68, "end": 176.44, "text": "The curtains pulled down the rod."}, {"start": 176.44, "end": 178.28, "text": "The rod hit the smoke alarm."}, {"start": 178.28, "end": 179.88, "text": "The smoke alarm screamed."}, {"start": 179.88, "end": 181.04, "text": "The dogs barked."}, {"start": 181.04, "end": 182.2, "text": "The neighbors knocked."}, {"start": 182.2, "end": 185.28, "text": "And there I was, half naked, wrapped in a shirt,"}, {"start": 185.28, "end": 188.52, "text": "holding my balls, yelling, everybody stay calm."}, {"start": 188.52, "end": 190.76, "text": "The penis division has lost containment."}, {"start": 190.76, "end": 192.8, "text": "We never had sex."}, {"start": 192.8, "end": 195.64, "text": "But I replaced the lamp, curtains, smoke alarm,"}, {"start": 195.64, "end": 199.04, "text": "rod, shirt, and one neighbor's sense of security."}, {"start": 199.04, "end": 202.76, "text": "That was the most expensive hand job nobody gave me."}, {"start": 202.76, "end": 205.12, "text": "The fourth caller was the naked accountant."}, {"start": 205.12, "end": 207.68, "text": "She said she loved men with ambition."}, {"start": 207.68, "end": 209.68, "text": "I told her about the vitamin company."}, {"start": 209.68, "end": 211.08, "text": "She took off her blouse."}, {"start": 211.08, "end": 212.6, "text": "I told her about cannabis."}, {"start": 212.6, "end": 213.88, "text": "She removed her skirt."}, {"start": 213.88, "end": 215.68, "text": "I told her about the spider mites."}, {"start": 215.68, "end": 217.28, "text": "She put her clothes back on."}, {"start": 217.28, "end": 219.28, "text": "Even fictional pussy has limits."}, {"start": 219.28, "end": 221.44, "text": "She looked at my bank statement and said,"}, {"start": 221.44, "end": 223.2, "text": "your expenses are insane."}, {"start": 223.2, "end": 225.48, "text": "I said, can I deduct loneliness?"}, {"start": 225.48, "end": 227.8, "text": "She said, no, bad sex?"}, {"start": 227.8, "end": 229.84, "text": "No, emergency tacos?"}, {"start": 229.84, "end": 230.52, "text": "No."}, {"start": 230.52, "end": 232.96, "text": "What about money I gave women because my dick thought"}, {"start": 232.96, "end": 234.76, "text": "it was a charitable foundation?"}, {"start": 234.76, "end": 236.68, "text": "She said, that is in charity."}, {"start": 236.68, "end": 240.04, "text": "I said, then why did everybody feel better except me?"}, {"start": 240.04, "end": 241.84, "text": "She build me for the consultation."}, {"start": 241.84, "end": 243.04, "text": "Of course she did."}, {"start": 243.04, "end": 245.64, "text": "The fifth caller didn't need a tire, a crystal,"}, {"start": 245.64, "end": 247.4, "text": "cannabis, or tax advice."}, {"start": 247.4, "end": 249.32, "text": "She just said, I'm lonely."}, {"start": 249.32, "end": 251.8, "text": "That was the most dangerous emergency of all"}, {"start": 251.8, "end": 253.4, "text": "because I understood it."}, {"start": 253.4, "end": 254.24, "text": "I picked her up."}, {"start": 254.24, "end": 255.6, "text": "We drove around all night."}, {"start": 255.6, "end": 256.6, "text": "We ate tacos."}, {"start": 256.6, "end": 259.8, "text": "We told each other fake stories because the truth hurt too much."}, {"start": 259.88, "end": 261.96, "text": "She said she wanted somebody to save her."}, {"start": 261.96, "end": 264.04, "text": "I said I wanted somebody to need me."}, {"start": 264.04, "end": 266.36, "text": "That should have been the moment we both went home."}, {"start": 266.36, "end": 268.64, "text": "Instead my dick declared a merger."}, {"start": 268.64, "end": 269.76, "text": "We got a motel."}, {"start": 269.76, "end": 270.68, "text": "We got naked."}, {"start": 270.68, "end": 271.52, "text": "We got high."}, {"start": 271.52, "end": 272.64, "text": "We got emotional."}, {"start": 272.64, "end": 275.2, "text": "And halfway through sex she started crying."}, {"start": 275.2, "end": 277.52, "text": "I stopped and asked, are you okay?"}, {"start": 277.52, "end": 279.56, "text": "She said, I don't know why I'm here."}, {"start": 279.56, "end": 281.12, "text": "I said neither do I."}, {"start": 281.12, "end": 283.4, "text": "I was going to buy dog food."}, {"start": 283.4, "end": 285.4, "text": "That was the real freaky tale."}, {"start": 285.4, "end": 288.84, "text": "Not the sex, not the cannabis, not the motel."}, {"start": 288.84, "end": 291.44, "text": "Two lonely people accidentally using each other"}, {"start": 291.44, "end": 295.28, "text": "as emotional flotation devices while both were still drowning."}, {"start": 295.28, "end": 296.56, "text": "So we got dressed."}, {"start": 296.56, "end": 298.12, "text": "I gave her a ride home."}, {"start": 298.12, "end": 299.6, "text": "Then I gave her money."}, {"start": 299.6, "end": 301.32, "text": "Then I apologized."}, {"start": 301.32, "end": 305.24, "text": "Then I drove home alone because even in my fake stories,"}, {"start": 305.24, "end": 308.16, "text": "shit, Midas stays committed to the fucking brand."}, {"start": 308.16, "end": 309.8, "text": "He finds a woman in trouble."}, {"start": 309.8, "end": 310.96, "text": "He offers a ride."}, {"start": 310.96, "end": 312.08, "text": "He spends money."}, {"start": 312.08, "end": 313.84, "text": "He mistakes need for love."}, {"start": 313.84, "end": 315.12, "text": "He touches the night."}, {"start": 315.12, "end": 318.36, "text": "And by sunrise, everything has turned into a receipt."}, {"start": 318.36, "end": 320.6, "text": "That was the help desk after dark."}, {"start": 320.6, "end": 323.88, "text": "Five freaky tales, zero successful rescues,"}, {"start": 323.88, "end": 326.76, "text": "four sexual disasters, one honest moment,"}, {"start": 326.76, "end": 329.16, "text": "and one final automated message."}, {"start": 329.16, "end": 331.6, "text": "Thank you for calling shit Midas support."}, {"start": 331.6, "end": 333.76, "text": "Your loneliness is very important to us."}, {"start": 333.76, "end": 336.0, "text": "Please remain on the line until your bank account"}, {"start": 336.0, "end": 337.44, "text": "is completely fucked."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nThese are the shit-midest confessions. Most of this shit is fake. It has to be. No real man could make this many fucked up choices and still have three dogs willing to live with him. I was Captain Saiva Ho running the help desk after dark, open 24 hours, no qualifications, every service included. Rides, food, rent, cannabis, sexual confusion, emotional support and a complimentary apology before checkout. My hotline had one question, are you a beautiful woman experiencing an emergency? Jesse has no business fixing. Press one for yes. Press two and Jesse will still come over. The first caller was the tire woman. She stood beside a flat tire wearing heels, a fur coat and the calm expression of somebody who had already located the nearest idiot. I pulled over. She said, can you help me? I said, absolutely. That word cost me six months. I changed the tire. Then bought dinner. Then paid for a motel. Then bought a replacement tire. Because apparently the first tire had negative energy. Lady, it was rubber. I was the one with negative equity. She invited me upstairs. I thought, finally, free pussy. There is no free pussy. That pussy came bundled with roadside assistance, late checkout, room service and an extended warranty on a car I didn't fucking own. I didn't eat the easy fruit hanging from the tree. The tree repossessed my ladder. The second caller was the motel mystic. She told me she could read energy. I said, what do you see around me? She closed her eyes and whispered a dark cloud. That was my credit score. She lit candles. She burned sage. She put crystals around the bed. Then she charged me $300 to open my heart chakra. My heart didn't open. My wallet spread its legs immediately. We got naked. She stared at my dick and said, your masculine energy is blocked. I said, no, that's whiskey. She waved a crystal over it. Nothing. She rang a tiny bell. Nothing. She whispered an ancient chant. Nothing. Finally, she said, your spirit needs more time. My dick had become a government permit. Delayed, underfunded and nobody knew which office handled it. I paid her to leave, not because she was bad, because I couldn't survive another healing session that required my rooting number. The third caller was the cannabis acrobat. She said, let's smoke and get freaky. That sentence bypassed every safety system in my body. We smoked. She took off her clothes. I took off my shirt, then spent 15 minutes trapped inside it. I was high, naked from the waist down. Arms tangled above my head. Dick pointing forward like the world's saddest rescue flare. She said, are you okay? I said, yes, this is for play. It wasn't for play. I was being defeated by cotton. She tried to help and we fell into a lamp. The lamp fell into the curtains. The curtains pulled down the rod. The rod hit the smoke alarm. The smoke alarm screamed. The dogs barked. The neighbors knocked. And there I was, half naked, wrapped in a shirt, holding my balls, yelling, everybody stay calm. The penis division has lost containment. We never had sex. But I replaced the lamp, curtains, smoke alarm, rod, shirt, and one neighbor's sense of security. That was the most expensive hand job nobody gave me. The fourth caller was the naked accountant. She said she loved men with ambition. I told her about the vitamin company. She took off her blouse. I told her about cannabis. She removed her skirt. I told her about the spider mites. She put her clothes back on. Even fictional pussy has limits. She looked at my bank statement and said, your expenses are insane. I said, can I deduct loneliness? She said, no, bad sex? No, emergency tacos? No. What about money I gave women because my dick thought it was a charitable foundation? She said, that is in charity. I said, then why did everybody feel better except me? She build me for the consultation. Of course she did. The fifth caller didn't need a tire, a crystal, cannabis, or tax advice. She just said, I'm lonely. That was the most dangerous emergency of all because I understood it. I picked her up. We drove around all night. We ate tacos. We told each other fake stories because the truth hurt too much. She said she wanted somebody to save her. I said I wanted somebody to need me. That should have been the moment we both went home. Instead my dick declared a merger. We got a motel. We got naked. We got high. We got emotional. And halfway through sex she started crying. I stopped and asked, are you okay? She said, I don't know why I'm here. I said neither do I. I was going to buy dog food. That was the real freaky tale. Not the sex, not the cannabis, not the motel. Two lonely people accidentally using each other as emotional flotation devices while both were still drowning. So we got dressed. I gave her a ride home. Then I gave her money. Then I apologized. Then I drove home alone because even in my fake stories, shit, Midas stays committed to the fucking brand. He finds a woman in trouble. He offers a ride. He spends money. He mistakes need for love. He touches the night. And by sunrise, everything has turned into a receipt. That was the help desk after dark. Five freaky tales, zero successful rescues, four sexual disasters, one honest moment, and one final automated message. Thank you for calling shit Midas support. Your loneliness is very important to us. Please remain on the line until your bank account is completely fucked.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}