{"file": "REDLINE_02_THE_FAMILY_BUSINESS_OF_BAD_ADVICE_TG.mp3", "duration_sec": 315.2, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 8.0, "text": "First I'm sorry I was Captain Saeva Ho not because I invented it because every man I looked up to handed me the same fucked up family recipe"}, {"start": 8.0, "end": 14.96, "text": "Find a woman in trouble ignore every warning empty your wallet call the disaster being a good man"}, {"start": 15.14, "end": 21.14, "text": "My grandfather did it my father did it my uncles did it my cousins did it my friends did it"}, {"start": 21.14, "end": 27.96, "text": "I didn't have role models. I had a multi-generational pyramid scheme with erections every older man gave me advice"}, {"start": 28.36, "end": 34.4, "text": "Take care of women never leave a woman stranded always help somebody in need beautiful advice"}, {"start": 34.6, "end": 41.12, "text": "Nobody added the important footnote unless your dumb horny ass has mistaken a disconnected phone for a marriage proposal"}, {"start": 41.4, "end": 50.8, "text": "So I made helping women my family business no license no training no profit just one idiot one Honda jumper cables cannabis and a dick wearing a"}, {"start": 50.8, "end": 55.82, "text": "Superhero cape. I saw a woman beside a broken car and thought she needs a hero"}, {"start": 55.98, "end": 61.1, "text": "She needed a a I gave her my pension. That's shit might as math a"}, {"start": 61.3, "end": 63.98, "text": "Normal man sees a flat tire and changes the tire"}, {"start": 63.98, "end": 69.3, "text": "I changed her tire bought dinner paid her phone covered rent fell in love got high"}, {"start": 69.82, "end": 76.76, "text": "Apologized and somehow woke up financing a handbag the tire was fixed in 20 minutes my credit took 20 years"}, {"start": 76.76, "end": 81.9, "text": "I thought women were falling from the trees like free pussy fruit that was my horny little theory"}, {"start": 81.9, "end": 89.4, "text": "I tell myself blue women are emotional stressed adaptable hungry and easy to connect with what a brilliant system"}, {"start": 89.4, "end": 95.9, "text": "I reduced an entire human being to a color so my dick could skip the background check that wasn't psychology"}, {"start": 95.9, "end": 102.88, "text": "That was horny astrology with a gas card. I said 99% of the women were blue no mother fucker"}, {"start": 103.38, "end": 107.14, "text": "100% of the bad decisions were Jesse blue wasn't lying to me"}, {"start": 107.14, "end": 113.48, "text": "I was using blue as camouflage for the lie I wanted to hear she needs me so she must love me"}, {"start": 113.6, "end": 120.1, "text": "My four colors tried to stop me green said save your money rainy days are coming yellow said go home"}, {"start": 120.1, "end": 127.36, "text": "Love your family get along with people blue said adapt but don't erase yourself red kicked open the door yelling"}, {"start": 127.62, "end": 131.94, "text": "Everybody shut the fuck up her check engine light is on that's why I'm broke"}, {"start": 131.94, "end": 136.76, "text": "I had four internal advisors and let the loudest asshole control the debit card"}, {"start": 137.3, "end": 144.5, "text": "Congratulations Jesse you have completed the family school of terrible boundaries your major is emergency pussy economics"}, {"start": 144.5, "end": 153.66, "text": "Your minor is apologizing with cash your final exam is a woman saying I'm fine while standing beside a smoking transmission"}, {"start": 153.66, "end": 161.78, "text": "I graduated with honors the honors were overdraft fees then came the fighting red loved a rescue mission"}, {"start": 161.78, "end": 166.62, "text": "A woman would call upset and I'd arrive like an angry ambulance with no medical training"}, {"start": 167.14, "end": 173.14, "text": "Who hurt you what happened do I need to fight somebody no Jesse you need to go home"}, {"start": 173.38, "end": 179.46, "text": "Smoke less cannabis drink water and stop auditioning for a felony because somebody sent a sad emoji"}, {"start": 179.46, "end": 181.46, "text": "I thought fighting proved loyalty"}, {"start": 182.02, "end": 190.18, "text": "It proved I had fists poor impulse control and no understanding of court costs every time red protected somebody else"}, {"start": 190.42, "end": 197.1, "text": "Green had to calculate bail yellow cried blue changed the story for whoever was listening and my wallet"}, {"start": 197.22, "end": 204.02, "text": "Quietly climbed onto the roof if I could turn red off I would I'd be yellow loving calm"}, {"start": 204.5, "end": 211.54, "text": "Married bringing casserole instead of chaos or green smart quiet saving money for a rainy day"}, {"start": 211.94, "end": 218.5, "text": "Green saw the storm coming. I spent the umbrella money on motel rooms and tires now I'm 50"}, {"start": 218.74, "end": 226.34, "text": "Single according to my own estimate about three hundred thousand dollars in debt three dogs a broken body feet hurting"}, {"start": 226.58, "end": 233.3, "text": "Ass hurting dick on administrative leave and tenet is screaming in my head every morning like somebody installed"}, {"start": 233.54, "end": 239.7, "text": "Emergency sirens inside my skull and lost the fucking remote there is no off switch just"}, {"start": 244.12, "end": 249.96, "text": "And my brain whispering remember that woman whose phone bill you paid in 2007 yes brain"}, {"start": 250.2, "end": 255.96, "text": "That's exactly what I need at six in the morning an auditory fire alarm and a financial documentary"}, {"start": 256.12, "end": 260.12, "text": "Sometimes I wonder if the ringing is punishment for every bad choice"}, {"start": 260.28, "end": 268.44, "text": "Then I remember punishment usually ends this shit renewed automatically my tonightus has a better subscription model than any business"}, {"start": 268.44, "end": 270.28, "text": "I ever started and through all of it"}, {"start": 270.28, "end": 276.68, "text": "I keep thinking about the life I could have chosen keep the state job stay married go home save money"}, {"start": 276.84, "end": 282.44, "text": "Be yellow enough to love people without rescuing them be green enough to check the fucking balance"}, {"start": 283.24, "end": 289.24, "text": "Use blue to adapt without becoming a lie use red to protect my own future for once"}, {"start": 289.4, "end": 292.2, "text": "But I didn't I became shit mitis"}, {"start": 292.36, "end": 298.12, "text": "Everything I touched turned into a confession a receipt or a woman asking if I could send eighty dollars"}, {"start": 298.44, "end": 304.12, "text": "So this is the lesson of one hundred fucked up stories when life gives you a difficult decision"}, {"start": 304.28, "end": 312.12, "text": "Don't ask what would a smart man do ask what would Jesse do then protect your balls lock your wallet shut off your phone"}, {"start": 312.44, "end": 314.92, "text": "And do the exact fucking opposite"}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nFirst I'm sorry I was Captain Saeva Ho not because I invented it because every man I looked up to handed me the same fucked up family recipe Find a woman in trouble ignore every warning empty your wallet call the disaster being a good man My grandfather did it my father did it my uncles did it my cousins did it my friends did it I didn't have role models. I had a multi-generational pyramid scheme with erections every older man gave me advice Take care of women never leave a woman stranded always help somebody in need beautiful advice Nobody added the important footnote unless your dumb horny ass has mistaken a disconnected phone for a marriage proposal So I made helping women my family business no license no training no profit just one idiot one Honda jumper cables cannabis and a dick wearing a Superhero cape. I saw a woman beside a broken car and thought she needs a hero She needed a a I gave her my pension. That's shit might as math a Normal man sees a flat tire and changes the tire I changed her tire bought dinner paid her phone covered rent fell in love got high Apologized and somehow woke up financing a handbag the tire was fixed in 20 minutes my credit took 20 years I thought women were falling from the trees like free pussy fruit that was my horny little theory I tell myself blue women are emotional stressed adaptable hungry and easy to connect with what a brilliant system I reduced an entire human being to a color so my dick could skip the background check that wasn't psychology That was horny astrology with a gas card. I said 99% of the women were blue no mother fucker 100% of the bad decisions were Jesse blue wasn't lying to me I was using blue as camouflage for the lie I wanted to hear she needs me so she must love me My four colors tried to stop me green said save your money rainy days are coming yellow said go home Love your family get along with people blue said adapt but don't erase yourself red kicked open the door yelling Everybody shut the fuck up her check engine light is on that's why I'm broke I had four internal advisors and let the loudest asshole control the debit card Congratulations Jesse you have completed the family school of terrible boundaries your major is emergency pussy economics Your minor is apologizing with cash your final exam is a woman saying I'm fine while standing beside a smoking transmission I graduated with honors the honors were overdraft fees then came the fighting red loved a rescue mission A woman would call upset and I'd arrive like an angry ambulance with no medical training Who hurt you what happened do I need to fight somebody no Jesse you need to go home Smoke less cannabis drink water and stop auditioning for a felony because somebody sent a sad emoji I thought fighting proved loyalty It proved I had fists poor impulse control and no understanding of court costs every time red protected somebody else Green had to calculate bail yellow cried blue changed the story for whoever was listening and my wallet Quietly climbed onto the roof if I could turn red off I would I'd be yellow loving calm Married bringing casserole instead of chaos or green smart quiet saving money for a rainy day Green saw the storm coming. I spent the umbrella money on motel rooms and tires now I'm 50 Single according to my own estimate about three hundred thousand dollars in debt three dogs a broken body feet hurting Ass hurting dick on administrative leave and tenet is screaming in my head every morning like somebody installed Emergency sirens inside my skull and lost the fucking remote there is no off switch just And my brain whispering remember that woman whose phone bill you paid in 2007 yes brain That's exactly what I need at six in the morning an auditory fire alarm and a financial documentary Sometimes I wonder if the ringing is punishment for every bad choice Then I remember punishment usually ends this shit renewed automatically my tonightus has a better subscription model than any business I ever started and through all of it I keep thinking about the life I could have chosen keep the state job stay married go home save money Be yellow enough to love people without rescuing them be green enough to check the fucking balance Use blue to adapt without becoming a lie use red to protect my own future for once But I didn't I became shit mitis Everything I touched turned into a confession a receipt or a woman asking if I could send eighty dollars So this is the lesson of one hundred fucked up stories when life gives you a difficult decision Don't ask what would a smart man do ask what would Jesse do then protect your balls lock your wallet shut off your phone And do the exact fucking opposite\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}