{"file": "REDLINE_01_THE_DGX_REVENUE_TRIAL_TG.mp3", "duration_sec": 435.1, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 6.24, "text": "These are my shit-midest confessions. I bought a supercomputer to make money with artificial intelligence."}, {"start": 6.56, "end": 10.08, "text": "Now I can lose money at one quadrillion calculations per second."}, {"start": 11.04, "end": 15.28, "text": "That's progress. Everybody online says AI made them rich."}, {"start": 15.6, "end": 21.04, "text": "20-year-olds are posting videos from Lamborghinis. I typed one prompt and made six figures."}, {"start": 21.92, "end": 25.52, "text": "I typed the same prompt. My AI opened indeed."}, {"start": 26.48, "end": 29.52, "text": "I said, make me passive income. It said,"}, {"start": 29.76, "end": 35.92, "text": "Jesse, your income has been lying there motionless since 1998. How much more passive do you need?"}, {"start": 36.24, "end": 43.44, "text": "I own a DGX Spark and a Predator laptop. Those names sound like two superheroes sent back from the future to save humanity."}, {"start": 43.68, "end": 46.96, "text": "Together, they fight their arch enemy. Revenue."}, {"start": 48.16, "end": 52.96, "text": "Predator bosses around the spark. The spark supervises my artificial staff."}, {"start": 53.04, "end": 58.48, "text": "My artificial staff designs elaborate workflows. And I'm still the dumb bastard holding the mop."}, {"start": 59.68, "end": 67.04, "text": "That is my technology stack. 128 gigs of unified memory upstairs. One Mexican Portuguese mother"}, {"start": 67.04, "end": 74.32, "text": "fucker downstairs asking, did I save the password under AI, money, business, new business, final business,"}, {"start": 74.32, "end": 81.2, "text": "or final business, final two? My supercomputer can simulate a universe. It cannot locate one paying"}, {"start": 81.2, "end": 88.88, "text": "customer inside mine. So I put the DGX on trial. The charge. Conspiracy to make everybody rich except the"}, {"start": 88.88, "end": 95.6, "text": "horny asshole who bought it. The judge said, call your first witness. I called the Predator laptop."}, {"start": 95.6, "end": 100.56, "text": "Predator rolled into court overheating like it had spent the night rendering my financial autopsy."}, {"start": 101.36, "end": 106.72, "text": "The prosecutor asked, what is your relationship to Mr. Salas? Predator said,"}, {"start": 107.44, "end": 115.84, "text": "I'm his laptop. The prosecutor said, and what does Jesse use you for? Predator opened 47 tabs."}, {"start": 116.48, "end": 123.92, "text": "Comedy, books, websites, cleaning leads, candy, four colors, AI agents, videos, music,"}, {"start": 123.92, "end": 129.68, "text": "business plans, another business plan, a plan explaining why the previous plan needs agents."}, {"start": 130.48, "end": 136.8, "text": "The judge asked, which one makes money? Predator's fan got so loud the courtroom evacuated."}, {"start": 138.48, "end": 144.16, "text": "Then the DGX testified that beautiful black machine took the stand like a thousand dollar witness"}, {"start": 144.16, "end": 151.2, "text": "with a million dollar attitude. The judge said, DGX describe your duties. DGX said,"}, {"start": 151.84, "end": 158.48, "text": "I write jokes about Jesse being broke. Anything else? I create reports explaining why his businesses"}, {"start": 158.48, "end": 165.44, "text": "are not making money. Do you find customers? No, he keeps asking for dirtier pussy jokes."}, {"start": 166.72, "end": 174.0, "text": "I objected, your honor, those jokes are intellectual property. The judge said, Mr. Salas right now"}, {"start": 174.0, "end": 183.76, "text": "they're intellectual storage. AI made Nvidia worth billions. AI made chip companies rich. AI made"}, {"start": 183.76, "end": 191.84, "text": "consultants rich. AI made influencers rich. AI made Jesse a beautifully mastered MP3 about not being"}, {"start": 191.84, "end": 198.4, "text": "rich. That is shit might as artificial intelligence. The voice sounds expensive because the life isn't."}, {"start": 199.12, "end": 206.08, "text": "The prosecutor displayed my monthly expenses. Electricity, subscriptions, domains, software,"}, {"start": 206.08, "end": 211.44, "text": "equipment, coffee, weed from the era when I thought every idea deserved premium lighting."}, {"start": 212.0, "end": 217.6, "text": "Then he displayed revenue. The courtroom thought the screen had gone into sleep mode. I said,"}, {"start": 217.84, "end": 223.04, "text": "there's a number there. The judge leaned forward. That's the cursor, Mr. Salas."}, {"start": 224.24, "end": 229.76, "text": "My wallet was called as a hostile witness. The bailiff carried it in on a stretcher. My wallet"}, {"start": 229.76, "end": 236.88, "text": "pointed at the DGX and screamed, he did this before. The judge said, with artificial intelligence,"}, {"start": 237.76, "end": 243.84, "text": "my wallet said, no, with vitamins, cameras, cannabis, cars, women, websites, and every pretty face"}, {"start": 243.84, "end": 250.56, "text": "that looked sad near a transmission. That hurt because the DGX wasn't the problem. The laptop"}, {"start": 250.56, "end": 255.04, "text": "wasn't the problem. The women weren't the problem. The vitamins weren't the problem."}, {"start": 255.76, "end": 261.36, "text": "Shit, Midas doesn't need bad technology. Shit, Midas can bankrupt himself with a fucking calculator."}, {"start": 261.52, "end": 269.6, "text": "At 18, I had residual income from a vitamin company. Money arrived while I slept. So naturally,"}, {"start": 269.6, "end": 275.28, "text": "I stayed awake all night smoking the best weed and chasing beautiful adult women. I had time,"}, {"start": 275.28, "end": 281.12, "text": "money, a new car, a camera, and the confidence of a good-looking Mexican Portuguese man who had never"}, {"start": 281.12, "end": 288.8, "text": "met compound interest. I traveled. I photographed models. I ran businesses. I fucked like my dick had"}, {"start": 288.8, "end": 295.36, "text": "quarterly sales targets and every quarter my wallet missed projections. Now I'm older. The weed"}, {"start": 295.36, "end": 302.32, "text": "is gone. The pussy retired. The dick unionized. The camera became a phone. But I still have the same"}, {"start": 302.32, "end": 307.92, "text": "business strategy. Buy something powerful and hope it develops better judgment than me. I asked"}, {"start": 307.92, "end": 317.12, "text": "the DGX, how do we monetize my life? It analyzed 32 years of bad choices. 400 women, comic exaggeration."}, {"start": 317.12, "end": 324.96, "text": "11 proposals. Jessie recollection. Cars, cameras, businesses, vitamins, weed, sex, debt,"}, {"start": 324.96, "end": 330.56, "text": "cleaning, rideshare, books, music, websites, and one dick with workplace trauma."}, {"start": 331.36, "end": 338.48, "text": "The DGX processed everything. It's fans spun. It's memory filled. The lights dimmed across northern"}, {"start": 338.48, "end": 344.72, "text": "California. Then the smartest machine I ever owned produced one answer. Have you considered cleaning"}, {"start": 344.72, "end": 353.44, "text": "houses? Motherfucker. I didn't need artificial intelligence. I needed my mother from 1986. She could"}, {"start": 353.44, "end": 360.24, "text": "have told me the same thing without 47 tabs and a power supply. The defense called one final witness,"}, {"start": 360.24, "end": 367.12, "text": "humanity. Humanity said, we're scared AI will take our jobs. The DGX looked at my resume."}, {"start": 367.6, "end": 373.76, "text": "Public service, wedding photographer, ride share driver, house cleaner, vitamin salesman,"}, {"start": 373.76, "end": 382.16, "text": "cannabis investor, author, comedian, website builder. The DGX said, which fucking job he changes"}, {"start": 382.16, "end": 388.4, "text": "careers before the software update finishes. The judge found the machines not guilty. Then he found"}, {"start": 388.4, "end": 394.96, "text": "me guilty of technological emotional support. My sentence, stop asking computers to validate every"}, {"start": 394.96, "end": 403.2, "text": "business idea that gives me an erection. Sell one thing. Finish one thing. Find one customer. I said,"}, {"start": 403.28, "end": 412.64, "text": "can AI automate that? The judge added five years. So here's my confession. I bought computers advertised"}, {"start": 412.64, "end": 417.92, "text": "as humanity's replacement. All they eliminated was the sensible financial advisor who would have slapped"}, {"start": 417.92, "end": 423.44, "text": "the credit card out of my horny little hand. Everybody else is selling shovels in the AI gold rush."}, {"start": 424.08, "end": 430.24, "text": "Shit, might as finance the shovel subscribe to the dirt, trained three agents to dig, and still"}, {"start": 430.24, "end": 431.84, "text": "ended up cleaning the fucking outhouse."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nThese are my shit-midest confessions. I bought a supercomputer to make money with artificial intelligence. Now I can lose money at one quadrillion calculations per second. That's progress. Everybody online says AI made them rich. 20-year-olds are posting videos from Lamborghinis. I typed one prompt and made six figures. I typed the same prompt. My AI opened indeed. I said, make me passive income. It said, Jesse, your income has been lying there motionless since 1998. How much more passive do you need? I own a DGX Spark and a Predator laptop. Those names sound like two superheroes sent back from the future to save humanity. Together, they fight their arch enemy. Revenue. Predator bosses around the spark. The spark supervises my artificial staff. My artificial staff designs elaborate workflows. And I'm still the dumb bastard holding the mop. That is my technology stack. 128 gigs of unified memory upstairs. One Mexican Portuguese mother fucker downstairs asking, did I save the password under AI, money, business, new business, final business, or final business, final two? My supercomputer can simulate a universe. It cannot locate one paying customer inside mine. So I put the DGX on trial. The charge. Conspiracy to make everybody rich except the horny asshole who bought it. The judge said, call your first witness. I called the Predator laptop. Predator rolled into court overheating like it had spent the night rendering my financial autopsy. The prosecutor asked, what is your relationship to Mr. Salas? Predator said, I'm his laptop. The prosecutor said, and what does Jesse use you for? Predator opened 47 tabs. Comedy, books, websites, cleaning leads, candy, four colors, AI agents, videos, music, business plans, another business plan, a plan explaining why the previous plan needs agents. The judge asked, which one makes money? Predator's fan got so loud the courtroom evacuated. Then the DGX testified that beautiful black machine took the stand like a thousand dollar witness with a million dollar attitude. The judge said, DGX describe your duties. DGX said, I write jokes about Jesse being broke. Anything else? I create reports explaining why his businesses are not making money. Do you find customers? No, he keeps asking for dirtier pussy jokes. I objected, your honor, those jokes are intellectual property. The judge said, Mr. Salas right now they're intellectual storage. AI made Nvidia worth billions. AI made chip companies rich. AI made consultants rich. AI made influencers rich. AI made Jesse a beautifully mastered MP3 about not being rich. That is shit might as artificial intelligence. The voice sounds expensive because the life isn't. The prosecutor displayed my monthly expenses. Electricity, subscriptions, domains, software, equipment, coffee, weed from the era when I thought every idea deserved premium lighting. Then he displayed revenue. The courtroom thought the screen had gone into sleep mode. I said, there's a number there. The judge leaned forward. That's the cursor, Mr. Salas. My wallet was called as a hostile witness. The bailiff carried it in on a stretcher. My wallet pointed at the DGX and screamed, he did this before. The judge said, with artificial intelligence, my wallet said, no, with vitamins, cameras, cannabis, cars, women, websites, and every pretty face that looked sad near a transmission. That hurt because the DGX wasn't the problem. The laptop wasn't the problem. The women weren't the problem. The vitamins weren't the problem. Shit, Midas doesn't need bad technology. Shit, Midas can bankrupt himself with a fucking calculator. At 18, I had residual income from a vitamin company. Money arrived while I slept. So naturally, I stayed awake all night smoking the best weed and chasing beautiful adult women. I had time, money, a new car, a camera, and the confidence of a good-looking Mexican Portuguese man who had never met compound interest. I traveled. I photographed models. I ran businesses. I fucked like my dick had quarterly sales targets and every quarter my wallet missed projections. Now I'm older. The weed is gone. The pussy retired. The dick unionized. The camera became a phone. But I still have the same business strategy. Buy something powerful and hope it develops better judgment than me. I asked the DGX, how do we monetize my life? It analyzed 32 years of bad choices. 400 women, comic exaggeration. 11 proposals. Jessie recollection. Cars, cameras, businesses, vitamins, weed, sex, debt, cleaning, rideshare, books, music, websites, and one dick with workplace trauma. The DGX processed everything. It's fans spun. It's memory filled. The lights dimmed across northern California. Then the smartest machine I ever owned produced one answer. Have you considered cleaning houses? Motherfucker. I didn't need artificial intelligence. I needed my mother from 1986. She could have told me the same thing without 47 tabs and a power supply. The defense called one final witness, humanity. Humanity said, we're scared AI will take our jobs. The DGX looked at my resume. Public service, wedding photographer, ride share driver, house cleaner, vitamin salesman, cannabis investor, author, comedian, website builder. The DGX said, which fucking job he changes careers before the software update finishes. The judge found the machines not guilty. Then he found me guilty of technological emotional support. My sentence, stop asking computers to validate every business idea that gives me an erection. Sell one thing. Finish one thing. Find one customer. I said, can AI automate that? The judge added five years. So here's my confession. I bought computers advertised as humanity's replacement. All they eliminated was the sensible financial advisor who would have slapped the credit card out of my horny little hand. Everybody else is selling shovels in the AI gold rush. Shit, might as finance the shovel subscribe to the dirt, trained three agents to dig, and still ended up cleaning the fucking outhouse.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}