{"file": "REALEST_MONEY_TG.mp3", "duration_sec": 267.4, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.18, "end": 9.7, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the"}, {"start": 9.7, "end": 11.7, "text": "Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.7, "end": 16.54, "text": "Tonight the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring"}, {"start": 16.54, "end": 20.66, "text": "a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a"}, {"start": 20.66, "end": 22.18, "text": "cautionary tale."}, {"start": 22.18, "end": 24.18, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 24.18, "end": 25.58, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.58, "end": 27.02, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 27.02, "end": 31.88, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 31.88, "end": 35.12, "text": "Good morning you magnificent broke bastards."}, {"start": 35.12, "end": 39.28, "text": "If you're hearing this you're either driving to a job or running from one."}, {"start": 39.28, "end": 40.28, "text": "Me?"}, {"start": 40.28, "end": 42.6, "text": "I'm on my way to scrub two houses today."}, {"start": 42.6, "end": 43.96, "text": "No breaks."}, {"start": 43.96, "end": 47.64, "text": "Because yesterday I made $800 with my own two hands."}, {"start": 47.64, "end": 51.0, "text": "And today the grind looked at me and said, again."}, {"start": 51.0, "end": 52.0, "text": "So buckle up."}, {"start": 52.0, "end": 55.48, "text": "Let's laugh at this whole stupid economy together."}, {"start": 55.48, "end": 57.68, "text": "Everybody's an eye expert now, everybody."}, {"start": 57.68, "end": 62.16, "text": "Some kid who couldn't spell algorithm six months ago is now selling a $900 course on"}, {"start": 62.16, "end": 66.76, "text": "how to get rich with I.I. and the only person getting rich with I is the guy selling the"}, {"start": 66.76, "end": 69.08, "text": "course about getting rich with AI."}, {"start": 69.08, "end": 72.0, "text": "It's a snake eating its own ass wearing a headset."}, {"start": 72.0, "end": 74.16, "text": "And I got a supercomputer folks."}, {"start": 74.16, "end": 77.12, "text": "A real one cost me five grand."}, {"start": 77.12, "end": 78.92, "text": "And you know what it made me this year?"}, {"start": 78.92, "end": 81.84, "text": "A comedy special about being broke."}, {"start": 81.84, "end": 84.4, "text": "That's the AI economy in one sentence."}, {"start": 84.4, "end": 89.04, "text": "I built a machine so advanced it turned my poverty into content."}, {"start": 89.04, "end": 90.84, "text": "Now let's talk about the stock market."}, {"start": 90.84, "end": 95.68, "text": "The stock market is a casino that wears a suit so your wife thinks it's responsible."}, {"start": 95.68, "end": 100.48, "text": "These geniuses on TV going by the dip, by the dip, by the dip with what?"}, {"start": 100.48, "end": 103.08, "text": "The only dip I own is in my bank account."}, {"start": 103.08, "end": 107.12, "text": "The market went up 400 points yesterday and my rent went up more."}, {"start": 107.12, "end": 109.48, "text": "The rich made their money watching a screen."}, {"start": 109.48, "end": 113.44, "text": "I made mine scrubbing a toilet, guess whose money was real."}, {"start": 113.44, "end": 114.44, "text": "And crypto."}, {"start": 114.44, "end": 117.12, "text": "Crypto is imaginary money for real idiots."}, {"start": 117.12, "end": 120.52, "text": "A coin named after a dog went up 9000%."}, {"start": 120.52, "end": 125.0, "text": "The coin named after me would go down just out of respect for tradition."}, {"start": 125.0, "end": 128.32, "text": "My net worth is so low it's basically a stable coin."}, {"start": 128.32, "end": 130.92, "text": "Peg to nothing and going nowhere."}, {"start": 130.92, "end": 133.64, "text": "Now let's talk about my financial genius."}, {"start": 133.64, "end": 138.16, "text": "I looked at $300,000 in debt and I thought you know what fixes this?"}, {"start": 138.16, "end": 140.48, "text": "A $5,000 computer."}, {"start": 140.48, "end": 143.68, "text": "That's like being on fire and buying a nicer lighter."}, {"start": 143.68, "end": 148.76, "text": "My life choices are so bad, my bad choices have a support group and they meet in my head"}, {"start": 148.76, "end": 151.12, "text": "every night at 3 in the morning."}, {"start": 151.12, "end": 154.28, "text": "Everybody out here chasing passive income, passive income."}, {"start": 154.28, "end": 158.24, "text": "The only thing passive in my life is the aggression from Wells Fargo."}, {"start": 158.24, "end": 162.64, "text": "But here's the realest thing I'm going to say all day so turn me up."}, {"start": 162.64, "end": 167.8, "text": "Yesterday while a thousand geniuses lost their shirts on one red candle I showed up to"}, {"start": 167.8, "end": 169.0, "text": "three houses."}, {"start": 169.0, "end": 173.24, "text": "I did the work and I put $800 real dollars in my pocket."}, {"start": 173.24, "end": 175.6, "text": "Cash in my hand."}, {"start": 175.6, "end": 177.6, "text": "Nobody can rug pull a clean bathroom."}, {"start": 177.6, "end": 180.0, "text": "There is no bear market in dust."}, {"start": 180.0, "end": 186.84, "text": "Somebody has always got to scrub the toilet and that somebody today is me and I get paid."}, {"start": 186.84, "end": 188.96, "text": "That's the secret the eyebrows don't want you to know."}, {"start": 188.96, "end": 193.04, "text": "The last real money left on this whole planet is the money you earn with your hands while"}, {"start": 193.04, "end": 195.68, "text": "everybody else is gambling with their thumbs."}, {"start": 195.68, "end": 200.64, "text": "So I'm driving to two houses today no breaks and I am blessed to have them."}, {"start": 200.64, "end": 203.52, "text": "Every toilet I scrub is a middle finger to my debt."}, {"start": 203.52, "end": 206.52, "text": "I'm not sitting around waiting for some coin to go to the moon."}, {"start": 206.52, "end": 210.72, "text": "I am the moon baby and I'm made of elbow grease."}, {"start": 210.72, "end": 213.24, "text": "Now get out there and make some real money today."}, {"start": 213.24, "end": 214.72, "text": "You beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 214.72, "end": 215.72, "text": "I'm Jesse."}, {"start": 215.72, "end": 218.24, "text": "I'll be the guy with actual cash in his pocket."}, {"start": 218.24, "end": 219.84, "text": "Good morning."}, {"start": 219.84, "end": 222.2, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 222.2, "end": 228.08, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day."}, {"start": 228.08, "end": 230.36, "text": "A brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 230.36, "end": 235.96, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 235.96, "end": 239.6, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 239.6, "end": 240.6, "text": "Can't sleep?"}, {"start": 240.6, "end": 241.6, "text": "We're up."}, {"start": 241.6, "end": 242.92, "text": "Going through something?"}, {"start": 242.92, "end": 244.24, "text": "So is he."}, {"start": 244.24, "end": 245.24, "text": "Always."}, {"start": 245.24, "end": 247.32, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 247.32, "end": 251.04, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 251.04, "end": 256.4, "text": "Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there,"}, {"start": 256.4, "end": 259.0, "text": "it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 259.0, "end": 260.0, "text": "Subscribe."}, {"start": 260.0, "end": 261.48, "text": "He needs the attention."}, {"start": 261.48, "end": 261.8, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Good morning you magnificent broke bastards. If you're hearing this you're either driving to a job or running from one. Me? I'm on my way to scrub two houses today. No breaks. Because yesterday I made $800 with my own two hands. And today the grind looked at me and said, again. So buckle up. Let's laugh at this whole stupid economy together. Everybody's an eye expert now, everybody. Some kid who couldn't spell algorithm six months ago is now selling a $900 course on how to get rich with I.I. and the only person getting rich with I is the guy selling the course about getting rich with AI. It's a snake eating its own ass wearing a headset. And I got a supercomputer folks. A real one cost me five grand. And you know what it made me this year? A comedy special about being broke. That's the AI economy in one sentence. I built a machine so advanced it turned my poverty into content. Now let's talk about the stock market. The stock market is a casino that wears a suit so your wife thinks it's responsible. These geniuses on TV going by the dip, by the dip, by the dip with what? The only dip I own is in my bank account. The market went up 400 points yesterday and my rent went up more. The rich made their money watching a screen. I made mine scrubbing a toilet, guess whose money was real. And crypto. Crypto is imaginary money for real idiots. A coin named after a dog went up 9000%. The coin named after me would go down just out of respect for tradition. My net worth is so low it's basically a stable coin. Peg to nothing and going nowhere. Now let's talk about my financial genius. I looked at $300,000 in debt and I thought you know what fixes this? A $5,000 computer. That's like being on fire and buying a nicer lighter. My life choices are so bad, my bad choices have a support group and they meet in my head every night at 3 in the morning. Everybody out here chasing passive income, passive income. The only thing passive in my life is the aggression from Wells Fargo. But here's the realest thing I'm going to say all day so turn me up. Yesterday while a thousand geniuses lost their shirts on one red candle I showed up to three houses. I did the work and I put $800 real dollars in my pocket. Cash in my hand. Nobody can rug pull a clean bathroom. There is no bear market in dust. Somebody has always got to scrub the toilet and that somebody today is me and I get paid. That's the secret the eyebrows don't want you to know. The last real money left on this whole planet is the money you earn with your hands while everybody else is gambling with their thumbs. So I'm driving to two houses today no breaks and I am blessed to have them. Every toilet I scrub is a middle finger to my debt. I'm not sitting around waiting for some coin to go to the moon. I am the moon baby and I'm made of elbow grease. Now get out there and make some real money today. You beautiful degenerates. I'm Jesse. I'll be the guy with actual cash in his pocket. Good morning. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day. A brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep? We're up. Going through something? So is he. Always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}