{"file": "PASSENGERS_FROM_HELL_TG.mp3", "duration_sec": 592.5, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.18, "end": 11.18, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club."}, {"start": 11.18, "end": 21.68, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.68, "end": 28.18, "text": "This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 31.75, "end": 40.25, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen, Jesse's ride share passengers from hell. Fresh off the war room. Real fairs, real weirdos, $4 a pop. Turn it up."}, {"start": 40.25, "end": 49.25, "text": "So this drunk climbs in my back seat at one in the morning and immediately he's convinced this is his car. Not a car. His car."}, {"start": 49.25, "end": 59.25, "text": "He goes, take a left up here buddy. There's no left up here. It's a wall. It's a fucking wall. And he's pointing at it like I'm the one who's confused. Turn here."}, {"start": 59.25, "end": 76.25, "text": "Where? Into the brick? You want me to fast and furious a Honda Civic through a chase bank? Then he leans up between the seats. Close. Real close. Breathing straight up warm tequila and gas station tequito into my ear. And he whispers, you're taking the long way man. The long way."}, {"start": 76.25, "end": 85.25, "text": "Brother, I have your address on a screen glowing eight inches from your face. I know exactly where you live. You don't even know what state you're in. He goes, my usual guy knows a shortcut."}, {"start": 85.25, "end": 114.25, "text": "Your usual guy, this is your first ride. You couldn't find the door handle. I had to open it for you like a valet at a nursing home. Then he grabs my headrest and goes, pull over. I'll drive. You'll drive. You just tried to seatbelt the cup holder. You called my gear shift a good boy and pet it. And here's the button. Here's the fucking button. We get to his house. Right? His actual house. And he looks at it. Dead serious and goes, this isn't my car. And gets out. Left. Left me the $4 in a car that apparently. And I'm going to drive."}, {"start": 114.25, "end": 143.25, "text": "After all that was never his to begin with. So this guy gets in my car. $4 fair. $4. That's it. And before I even pull off the curb, he goes, just so you know, I will one star you. For what? I haven't done anything. You've been in the car eight seconds. You threatened my whole career over a ride that costs less than a fucking taco. And I look back. And this man is dead serious gripping his phone like it's a loaded gun."}, {"start": 143.25, "end": 171.25, "text": "Like he's got his thumb on the star like it's a trigger. And then then it gets stupid because he goes, the act is blowing on the wrong part of my body. The wrong part of your body. It's air. Motherfucker. It's just air. It doesn't have a target. It's not a fucking sniper. And he leans up real close, close talker breath and whispers. I've ended drivers for less. Ended."}, {"start": 171.25, "end": 200.25, "text": "You didn't end anybody. You rated somebody for stars and then finished your little bag of pretzels. And here's the knockout. Here's the part that broke me. We hit a red light. He's still threatening me and a bug. A single dumb little moth flies in through the window and lands on his knee. And this grown man screams. That's it. One star. You let nature in the vehicle. You let nature in the vehicle. I didn't hire the moth."}, {"start": 200.25, "end": 215.25, "text": "I'm not managing the moth. I'm broke. I'm 50. I'm 300 grand in debt. And I just lost half a star because a bug had the same commute as your bitch ass. So this woman gets in my car. $4 ride $4."}, {"start": 215.25, "end": 228.25, "text": "And before her ass even hits the seat, she's already crying. Not sniffling. Full body shoulder heaving, snot bubble crying. I go, you okay? Big mistake."}, {"start": 228.25, "end": 255.25, "text": "Never ask. That's the trigger word. That's the pin coming out of the grenade. She goes, he left me. And I'm thinking, ma'am, I don't even know you. I don't know who he is. I've been broken divorced myself. I'm 50. I owe 300 grand. I'm the one who should be crying in this car. She's not done. Oh no. She's just getting warmed up. She starts giving me the whole timeline. 12 years."}, {"start": 255.25, "end": 269.25, "text": "She goes, and he leaves me for his dental hygienist. And now I got to hear about the hygienist. I know the hygienist's name. I know the hygienist drives a Kia. I know the hygienist's whole star sign."}, {"start": 269.25, "end": 298.25, "text": "I can get you three blocks. I cannot get you through the grief. And she's wailing so loud. I can't hear the navigation. So now I'm lost and emotionally involved. She grabs my headrest, digs her nails in and screams into the back of my skull. Was I not enough? And I go, I don't know. I wasn't there. I don't know if you were enough. Then she blows her nose into my oak cord. My oak cord. And here's the button."}, {"start": 298.25, "end": 312.25, "text": "Here's the part that broke me. We pull up. She wipes her face, dead calm, dead sober, all of a sudden. And she goes, thanks. This really helped. Then she gives me four stars."}, {"start": 312.25, "end": 323.25, "text": "Four stars. I sat through your entire divorce. I'm your therapist now. I know your ex-husband's dental plan. And you docked me a star because the ride was bumpy."}, {"start": 323.25, "end": 342.25, "text": "Bitch, you were the turbulence. So I film these rides, right? Guess their color. And there's one type of passenger who is my favorite fucking nightmare. The second they see the little camera on my dash, they flip a switch. Dead silent guy staring out the window like a hostage sees the red light and boom, he becomes a talk show host."}, {"start": 342.25, "end": 360.25, "text": "Oh, are we live? Are we rolling, baby? Sir, you told me one word at pickup and that word was yeah. Now you got a radio voice. Now you got a fucking segment. You just did a call back to a story you never told me. And the acting, holy shit, the acting. This dude starts laughing at nothing. So the camera thinks the ride is fun."}, {"start": 360.25, "end": 374.25, "text": "Ha, ha, nothing happened. I hit a pothole and you went, oh, what a ride, folks, what a ride? Folks, there's no folks. It's me. It's one broke driver and a dash cam held on with a fucking hair tie."}, {"start": 374.25, "end": 384.25, "text": "Then he leans into the lens like it owes him money and goes, everybody smash that like button. I don't have a like button. I have a PayPal that's negative $11."}, {"start": 384.25, "end": 391.25, "text": "And the worst part, the worst part, the whole performance is for a channel that doesn't exist because he thinks he's the star of my footage."}, {"start": 391.25, "end": 405.25, "text": "Buddy, you are a b-roll. You are the thing I blur out. In the final cut, you are a beige wheel spinning over your stupid face. And the caption says, guess this guy's color. And 4,000 strangers are going to vote. And every single one of them is going to guess unemployed."}, {"start": 405.25, "end": 419.25, "text": "So keep performing superstar. Keep giving me that energy because when I hit upload, you're not the headliner. You're not the feature. You're not even the opener. You're the fucking parking and your color. My man, your color is canceled."}, {"start": 419.25, "end": 431.25, "text": "A $4 fair hits my phone. $4. And this motherfucker gets in the backseat like I'm a fucking limo. Doesn't say hi. Doesn't say a name. Just goes, take the freeway."}, {"start": 431.25, "end": 455.25, "text": "Bitch, we're going point six miles. There is no freeway. You could have licked your way there faster. But now I got to pull on to a highway, do a full loop and exit because the $4 king demanded the scenic route to the fucking taco truck. And he's reclining. He found the little lever on my seat. And he reclined into my kidney like this is a first class flight to nowhere. I can feel his knees in my spine."}, {"start": 455.25, "end": 463.25, "text": "$4. And I'm giving this man a prostate exam with the back of my chair. Then he snaps his fingers at me."}, {"start": 463.25, "end": 480.25, "text": "Act colder. So now I'm the thermostat. I'm the chauffeur, the masseuse and the weatherman all for the price of one gas station hot dog. And I make it. I make it to the taco truck. And he doesn't get out. He goes actually wait for me."}, {"start": 480.25, "end": 494.25, "text": "Wait for you on a $4 ride. You want me to idle like a repo man while you eat so you can ride the same $4 back. I said sir for $4. You don't get a driver. You get a witness."}, {"start": 494.25, "end": 508.25, "text": "And he looks me dead in the eye and goes I'll take care of you. No, you won't. You've never taken care of anything. Your credit score is a fucking hostage situation. And then the button. He's got the phone out."}, {"start": 508.25, "end": 537.25, "text": "Filming me one star if you leave. Baby I already left. I left my house. I left my marriage. I left my whole fucking 50s in this corolla. You think one star scares me? I'm 300 grand in debt driving a stranger to a taco. He can't afford. Give me one star. Give me no stars. Rip the stars out of the sky. You $4 warlord. Because the only thing you're taking care of tonight is the 11 cents you tip me."}, {"start": 537.25, "end": 558.25, "text": "And I'm framing it and I'm going to guess your color out loud on the internet and buddy you are brown. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours."}, {"start": 558.25, "end": 587.25, "text": "24 hours 7 days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Ladies and gentlemen, Jesse's ride share passengers from hell. Fresh off the war room. Real fairs, real weirdos, $4 a pop. Turn it up. So this drunk climbs in my back seat at one in the morning and immediately he's convinced this is his car. Not a car. His car. He goes, take a left up here buddy. There's no left up here. It's a wall. It's a fucking wall. And he's pointing at it like I'm the one who's confused. Turn here. Where? Into the brick? You want me to fast and furious a Honda Civic through a chase bank? Then he leans up between the seats. Close. Real close. Breathing straight up warm tequila and gas station tequito into my ear. And he whispers, you're taking the long way man. The long way. Brother, I have your address on a screen glowing eight inches from your face. I know exactly where you live. You don't even know what state you're in. He goes, my usual guy knows a shortcut. Your usual guy, this is your first ride. You couldn't find the door handle. I had to open it for you like a valet at a nursing home. Then he grabs my headrest and goes, pull over. I'll drive. You'll drive. You just tried to seatbelt the cup holder. You called my gear shift a good boy and pet it. And here's the button. Here's the fucking button. We get to his house. Right? His actual house. And he looks at it. Dead serious and goes, this isn't my car. And gets out. Left. Left me the $4 in a car that apparently. And I'm going to drive. After all that was never his to begin with. So this guy gets in my car. $4 fair. $4. That's it. And before I even pull off the curb, he goes, just so you know, I will one star you. For what? I haven't done anything. You've been in the car eight seconds. You threatened my whole career over a ride that costs less than a fucking taco. And I look back. And this man is dead serious gripping his phone like it's a loaded gun. Like he's got his thumb on the star like it's a trigger. And then then it gets stupid because he goes, the act is blowing on the wrong part of my body. The wrong part of your body. It's air. Motherfucker. It's just air. It doesn't have a target. It's not a fucking sniper. And he leans up real close, close talker breath and whispers. I've ended drivers for less. Ended. You didn't end anybody. You rated somebody for stars and then finished your little bag of pretzels. And here's the knockout. Here's the part that broke me. We hit a red light. He's still threatening me and a bug. A single dumb little moth flies in through the window and lands on his knee. And this grown man screams. That's it. One star. You let nature in the vehicle. You let nature in the vehicle. I didn't hire the moth. I'm not managing the moth. I'm broke. I'm 50. I'm 300 grand in debt. And I just lost half a star because a bug had the same commute as your bitch ass. So this woman gets in my car. $4 ride $4. And before her ass even hits the seat, she's already crying. Not sniffling. Full body shoulder heaving, snot bubble crying. I go, you okay? Big mistake. Never ask. That's the trigger word. That's the pin coming out of the grenade. She goes, he left me. And I'm thinking, ma'am, I don't even know you. I don't know who he is. I've been broken divorced myself. I'm 50. I owe 300 grand. I'm the one who should be crying in this car. She's not done. Oh no. She's just getting warmed up. She starts giving me the whole timeline. 12 years. She goes, and he leaves me for his dental hygienist. And now I got to hear about the hygienist. I know the hygienist's name. I know the hygienist drives a Kia. I know the hygienist's whole star sign. I can get you three blocks. I cannot get you through the grief. And she's wailing so loud. I can't hear the navigation. So now I'm lost and emotionally involved. She grabs my headrest, digs her nails in and screams into the back of my skull. Was I not enough? And I go, I don't know. I wasn't there. I don't know if you were enough. Then she blows her nose into my oak cord. My oak cord. And here's the button. Here's the part that broke me. We pull up. She wipes her face, dead calm, dead sober, all of a sudden. And she goes, thanks. This really helped. Then she gives me four stars. Four stars. I sat through your entire divorce. I'm your therapist now. I know your ex-husband's dental plan. And you docked me a star because the ride was bumpy. Bitch, you were the turbulence. So I film these rides, right? Guess their color. And there's one type of passenger who is my favorite fucking nightmare. The second they see the little camera on my dash, they flip a switch. Dead silent guy staring out the window like a hostage sees the red light and boom, he becomes a talk show host. Oh, are we live? Are we rolling, baby? Sir, you told me one word at pickup and that word was yeah. Now you got a radio voice. Now you got a fucking segment. You just did a call back to a story you never told me. And the acting, holy shit, the acting. This dude starts laughing at nothing. So the camera thinks the ride is fun. Ha, ha, nothing happened. I hit a pothole and you went, oh, what a ride, folks, what a ride? Folks, there's no folks. It's me. It's one broke driver and a dash cam held on with a fucking hair tie. Then he leans into the lens like it owes him money and goes, everybody smash that like button. I don't have a like button. I have a PayPal that's negative $11. And the worst part, the worst part, the whole performance is for a channel that doesn't exist because he thinks he's the star of my footage. Buddy, you are a b-roll. You are the thing I blur out. In the final cut, you are a beige wheel spinning over your stupid face. And the caption says, guess this guy's color. And 4,000 strangers are going to vote. And every single one of them is going to guess unemployed. So keep performing superstar. Keep giving me that energy because when I hit upload, you're not the headliner. You're not the feature. You're not even the opener. You're the fucking parking and your color. My man, your color is canceled. A $4 fair hits my phone. $4. And this motherfucker gets in the backseat like I'm a fucking limo. Doesn't say hi. Doesn't say a name. Just goes, take the freeway. Bitch, we're going point six miles. There is no freeway. You could have licked your way there faster. But now I got to pull on to a highway, do a full loop and exit because the $4 king demanded the scenic route to the fucking taco truck. And he's reclining. He found the little lever on my seat. And he reclined into my kidney like this is a first class flight to nowhere. I can feel his knees in my spine. $4. And I'm giving this man a prostate exam with the back of my chair. Then he snaps his fingers at me. Act colder. So now I'm the thermostat. I'm the chauffeur, the masseuse and the weatherman all for the price of one gas station hot dog. And I make it. I make it to the taco truck. And he doesn't get out. He goes actually wait for me. Wait for you on a $4 ride. You want me to idle like a repo man while you eat so you can ride the same $4 back. I said sir for $4. You don't get a driver. You get a witness. And he looks me dead in the eye and goes I'll take care of you. No, you won't. You've never taken care of anything. Your credit score is a fucking hostage situation. And then the button. He's got the phone out. Filming me one star if you leave. Baby I already left. I left my house. I left my marriage. I left my whole fucking 50s in this corolla. You think one star scares me? I'm 300 grand in debt driving a stranger to a taco. He can't afford. Give me one star. Give me no stars. Rip the stars out of the sky. You $4 warlord. Because the only thing you're taking care of tonight is the 11 cents you tip me. And I'm framing it and I'm going to guess your color out loud on the internet and buddy you are brown. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours. 24 hours 7 days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep we're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}