{"file": "OPEN_MIC_ROAST_TG.mp3", "duration_sec": 312.9, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.18, "end": 11.18, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.18, "end": 21.18, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.18, "end": 28.18, "text": "This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 28.18, "end": 40.28, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen, degenerates and debtors, welcome to Red Line Open Mic Night. The only stage on Earth where the jokes are free and the headliner is broke."}, {"start": 40.28, "end": 50.28, "text": "Tonight, the whole filthy lineup is here for one reason. To roast the owner of this club, the patron saint of bad decisions, the man who bought a supercomputer to go deeper in debt."}, {"start": 50.28, "end": 56.28, "text": "Jesse, he couldn't make it tonight. He's cleaning a stranger's toilet for a hundred bucks, so let's roast him in his absence."}, {"start": 56.28, "end": 60.28, "text": "First up, the meanest mouth in the room. Give it up for Vinnie the Vulture."}, {"start": 60.28, "end": 69.28, "text": "Thank you. Thank you. Sit your broke asses down. So Jesse built seven websites and sold zero. Seven."}, {"start": 69.28, "end": 80.28, "text": "You know what you call a web designer with no clients, a guy with a hobby and a mop. This man is out here showing barbers a website on a cracked phone like he's flashing a trench coat."}, {"start": 80.28, "end": 89.28, "text": "Hey, you want to see my homepage? Sir, that ain't a sales pitch. That's a cry for help with a dot com."}, {"start": 89.28, "end": 96.28, "text": "Ah, get him, Vinnie. Next up, the driest man in comedy, the human overdraft notice, Danny bankruptcy."}, {"start": 96.28, "end": 106.28, "text": "$300,000 in debt over seven years. Jesse, that's not a credit score. That's a phone number. You owe so much money the bank stopped calling you."}, {"start": 106.28, "end": 120.28, "text": "They don't even want to talk anymore. You got dumped by your own debt collector. That's a special kind of broke when the Vulture circles you once looks down and goes, hey, I've eaten better roadkill. No offense, Vinnie."}, {"start": 120.28, "end": 135.28, "text": "Oh, ice cold. All right, all the way from across the pond, the poshest prick in the building, Nigel Worthington. Right. So this gentleman bought a $5,000 super computer."}, {"start": 135.28, "end": 148.28, "text": "To escape poverty. That is like purchasing a golden toilet because you cannot afford the paper. And then get this. He asked the most powerful machine on earth how to get one barber to answer the phone."}, {"start": 148.28, "end": 160.28, "text": "And the computer said, and I quote, you can't. The machine gave up on you, Jesse. You got friendzoned by a hard drive. Absolutely humiliating. I love it."}, {"start": 160.28, "end": 165.28, "text": "Ha, the machine said no. Next, the loudest set of lungs and Sacramento, big sal."}, {"start": 165.28, "end": 176.28, "text": "Jesse tries to get on Fiverr, right? Spends hours on the profile hours. And at the very end, Fiverr goes, prove you're a human."}, {"start": 176.28, "end": 191.28, "text": "Prove it. This man got rejected from being poor. You got turned away at the bottom. And then he asks his AI robots to press the button for him. And the robot said, we can't wear robots."}, {"start": 191.28, "end": 203.28, "text": "Your own machines quit on you. You built a robot army and they took one look at your bank account and unionized. Even the robots got severance before you got a paycheck."}, {"start": 203.28, "end": 210.28, "text": "The robots unionized folks. Ha, ha, ha, all right. One more. Give it up for the Scotsman. Big Mac Tavish."}, {"start": 210.28, "end": 227.28, "text": "$100 for three and a half hours scrubbing a stranger's toilet. And they promised him a tip and they left him. Nothing. Jesse, you are the only man alive who can make a toilet spotless and still walk out the dirtiest thing in the house."}, {"start": 227.28, "end": 232.28, "text": "50 years old on your knees in a stranger's bathroom on a Sunday."}, {"start": 232.28, "end": 246.28, "text": "Even the toilet looked up at you and went, mate, you all right, pal? Ha, okay, okay. Settle down you animals. That is our open mic. We roasted Jesse from every filthy angle tonight."}, {"start": 246.28, "end": 256.28, "text": "And you know what? That broke bastard is still going to show up tomorrow and swing again. Because a man who can laugh at himself, this hard is a man you cannot kill."}, {"start": 256.28, "end": 264.28, "text": "This has been Redline Open Mic, only on bombed.app. Now get the hell out and go make some bad decisions."}, {"start": 264.28, "end": 275.28, "text": "And that is our show. But the Redline never closes every minute of every hour of every single day, a brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 275.28, "end": 286.28, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 286.28, "end": 295.28, "text": "Going through something so is he always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 295.28, "end": 304.28, "text": "Before the dark winds, the Redline Comedy Club open all night. Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 304.28, "end": 307.28, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Ladies and gentlemen, degenerates and debtors, welcome to Red Line Open Mic Night. The only stage on Earth where the jokes are free and the headliner is broke. Tonight, the whole filthy lineup is here for one reason. To roast the owner of this club, the patron saint of bad decisions, the man who bought a supercomputer to go deeper in debt. Jesse, he couldn't make it tonight. He's cleaning a stranger's toilet for a hundred bucks, so let's roast him in his absence. First up, the meanest mouth in the room. Give it up for Vinnie the Vulture. Thank you. Thank you. Sit your broke asses down. So Jesse built seven websites and sold zero. Seven. You know what you call a web designer with no clients, a guy with a hobby and a mop. This man is out here showing barbers a website on a cracked phone like he's flashing a trench coat. Hey, you want to see my homepage? Sir, that ain't a sales pitch. That's a cry for help with a dot com. Ah, get him, Vinnie. Next up, the driest man in comedy, the human overdraft notice, Danny bankruptcy. $300,000 in debt over seven years. Jesse, that's not a credit score. That's a phone number. You owe so much money the bank stopped calling you. They don't even want to talk anymore. You got dumped by your own debt collector. That's a special kind of broke when the Vulture circles you once looks down and goes, hey, I've eaten better roadkill. No offense, Vinnie. Oh, ice cold. All right, all the way from across the pond, the poshest prick in the building, Nigel Worthington. Right. So this gentleman bought a $5,000 super computer. To escape poverty. That is like purchasing a golden toilet because you cannot afford the paper. And then get this. He asked the most powerful machine on earth how to get one barber to answer the phone. And the computer said, and I quote, you can't. The machine gave up on you, Jesse. You got friendzoned by a hard drive. Absolutely humiliating. I love it. Ha, the machine said no. Next, the loudest set of lungs and Sacramento, big sal. Jesse tries to get on Fiverr, right? Spends hours on the profile hours. And at the very end, Fiverr goes, prove you're a human. Prove it. This man got rejected from being poor. You got turned away at the bottom. And then he asks his AI robots to press the button for him. And the robot said, we can't wear robots. Your own machines quit on you. You built a robot army and they took one look at your bank account and unionized. Even the robots got severance before you got a paycheck. The robots unionized folks. Ha, ha, ha, all right. One more. Give it up for the Scotsman. Big Mac Tavish. $100 for three and a half hours scrubbing a stranger's toilet. And they promised him a tip and they left him. Nothing. Jesse, you are the only man alive who can make a toilet spotless and still walk out the dirtiest thing in the house. 50 years old on your knees in a stranger's bathroom on a Sunday. Even the toilet looked up at you and went, mate, you all right, pal? Ha, okay, okay. Settle down you animals. That is our open mic. We roasted Jesse from every filthy angle tonight. And you know what? That broke bastard is still going to show up tomorrow and swing again. Because a man who can laugh at himself, this hard is a man you cannot kill. This has been Redline Open Mic, only on bombed.app. Now get the hell out and go make some bad decisions. And that is our show. But the Redline never closes every minute of every hour of every single day, a brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the Redline Comedy Club open all night. Because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}