{"file": "MONDAY_KILL_JESSE_BATTLE_TG.mp3", "duration_sec": 299.7, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.18, "end": 11.18, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club."}, {"start": 11.18, "end": 21.68, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.68, "end": 28.18, "text": "This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 28.18, "end": 41.28, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen, it's Monday night at the Red Line and you know what that means. It's the Kill Jesse Roast Battle. The rules are simple, you filthy animals."}, {"start": 41.28, "end": 55.28, "text": "Two comics step up, they tear each other to shreds, and no matter who wins, Jesse loses. He's not even here tonight. He's home googling how to sell a website to a man who already blocked my number. So let's get bloody."}, {"start": 55.28, "end": 65.28, "text": "In this corner, the scavenger with a mouth like a dumpster fire, Vinnie the Vulture. And in this corner, 300 pounds of pure delusion, Big Sal fight."}, {"start": 65.28, "end": 75.28, "text": "Big Sal, everybody, Sal, you have been about to blow up in comedy for 20 years. The only thing that's blown up on you is your cholesterol."}, {"start": 75.28, "end": 87.28, "text": "This man does crowd work by asking the front row if they brought any snacks and Jesse, Jesse hired Sal to help clean a house one time and Sal ate the damn fridge."}, {"start": 87.28, "end": 94.28, "text": "That's the real reason Jesse's scrubbing toilets, folks. This fat bastard is the reason there's something in it."}, {"start": 94.28, "end": 103.28, "text": "Oh, Vinnie the Vulture. Cute little name. For a guy who lives in his mother's garage picking the meat off other people's dead careers."}, {"start": 103.28, "end": 116.28, "text": "You ain't a Vulture pal. You're a pigeon with a gambling problem. And you want a roast Jesse? At least Jesse owns a failing business. You can't even fail properly. You got nothing to lose."}, {"start": 116.28, "end": 126.28, "text": "You know what? You and Jesse should team up. He's got the debt. You got the excuses. Together, you'd finally add up to one whole disappointment."}, {"start": 126.28, "end": 139.28, "text": "One more, Sal. One more. You are so full of hot air that Jesse tried to hook you up to the furnace to save money on his $6,000 nut didn't work. You only produce gas, not results."}, {"start": 139.28, "end": 147.28, "text": "You and his cleaning business got the exact same problem, all that effort and somehow the room still stinks."}, {"start": 147.28, "end": 165.28, "text": "Oh, round one goes to the Vulture. Somebody mop up the blood. And I know a guy who works cheap. Round two. From across the pond, the man who is all hat and no bank, Nigel Worthington, versus the drunkest man in all of Scotland, Big Mac Tavish."}, {"start": 165.28, "end": 183.28, "text": "You wreak of whiskey and regret. You are so drunk, you tried to roast the microphone stand for a solid 10 minutes and you lost. And Jesse poor sweet broke Jesse actually asked this man for business advice. And this soggy Scotsman told him to invest in barrels."}, {"start": 183.28, "end": 190.28, "text": "That is why Jesse's broke ladies and gentlemen. He takes his money tips from a fella who's been legally dead since last Tuesday."}, {"start": 190.28, "end": 205.28, "text": "Oh, Nigel. Nigel Worthington. Look at this fella. Would you? Fake accent, fake watch, fake tan. You're about as posh as a $3 bill, you soft pink disaster. You look down on Jesse. But here's the thing, at least Jesse's broke honestly."}, {"start": 205.28, "end": 216.28, "text": "You. You're broke pretending you're rich. You finance that ugly suit the exact same way Jesse financed that supercomputer on a credit card that's already on fire."}, {"start": 217.28, "end": 221.28, "text": "You two are the same man. One of you just smells slightly better."}, {"start": 221.28, "end": 239.28, "text": "Ha, and there it is folks. The twist ending turns out every single comic up here tonight is just as broke as Jesse. Nobody wins the kill Jesse roast battle because the real Jesse is at home dead broke in a toilet shirt, laughing his ass off at all of us for free."}, {"start": 239.28, "end": 251.28, "text": "And that ladies and gentlemen is the only man alive who wins by losing. This has been Monday night kill Jesse only on bombed dot app. Now get the hell out and go roast somebody you love."}, {"start": 251.28, "end": 262.28, "text": "And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day, a brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 262.28, "end": 290.28, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep. We're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 290.28, "end": 295.28, "text": "Subscribe he needs the attention good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Monday night at the Red Line and you know what that means. It's the Kill Jesse Roast Battle. The rules are simple, you filthy animals. Two comics step up, they tear each other to shreds, and no matter who wins, Jesse loses. He's not even here tonight. He's home googling how to sell a website to a man who already blocked my number. So let's get bloody. In this corner, the scavenger with a mouth like a dumpster fire, Vinnie the Vulture. And in this corner, 300 pounds of pure delusion, Big Sal fight. Big Sal, everybody, Sal, you have been about to blow up in comedy for 20 years. The only thing that's blown up on you is your cholesterol. This man does crowd work by asking the front row if they brought any snacks and Jesse, Jesse hired Sal to help clean a house one time and Sal ate the damn fridge. That's the real reason Jesse's scrubbing toilets, folks. This fat bastard is the reason there's something in it. Oh, Vinnie the Vulture. Cute little name. For a guy who lives in his mother's garage picking the meat off other people's dead careers. You ain't a Vulture pal. You're a pigeon with a gambling problem. And you want a roast Jesse? At least Jesse owns a failing business. You can't even fail properly. You got nothing to lose. You know what? You and Jesse should team up. He's got the debt. You got the excuses. Together, you'd finally add up to one whole disappointment. One more, Sal. One more. You are so full of hot air that Jesse tried to hook you up to the furnace to save money on his $6,000 nut didn't work. You only produce gas, not results. You and his cleaning business got the exact same problem, all that effort and somehow the room still stinks. Oh, round one goes to the Vulture. Somebody mop up the blood. And I know a guy who works cheap. Round two. From across the pond, the man who is all hat and no bank, Nigel Worthington, versus the drunkest man in all of Scotland, Big Mac Tavish. You wreak of whiskey and regret. You are so drunk, you tried to roast the microphone stand for a solid 10 minutes and you lost. And Jesse poor sweet broke Jesse actually asked this man for business advice. And this soggy Scotsman told him to invest in barrels. That is why Jesse's broke ladies and gentlemen. He takes his money tips from a fella who's been legally dead since last Tuesday. Oh, Nigel. Nigel Worthington. Look at this fella. Would you? Fake accent, fake watch, fake tan. You're about as posh as a $3 bill, you soft pink disaster. You look down on Jesse. But here's the thing, at least Jesse's broke honestly. You. You're broke pretending you're rich. You finance that ugly suit the exact same way Jesse financed that supercomputer on a credit card that's already on fire. You two are the same man. One of you just smells slightly better. Ha, and there it is folks. The twist ending turns out every single comic up here tonight is just as broke as Jesse. Nobody wins the kill Jesse roast battle because the real Jesse is at home dead broke in a toilet shirt, laughing his ass off at all of us for free. And that ladies and gentlemen is the only man alive who wins by losing. This has been Monday night kill Jesse only on bombed dot app. Now get the hell out and go roast somebody you love. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day, a brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week fresh stand up freshly roasted never reheated can't sleep. We're up going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe he needs the attention good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}