{"file": "KILLER_JESSE_OPEN_MIC_TG.mp3", "duration_sec": 350.3, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.18, "end": 9.7, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the"}, {"start": 9.7, "end": 11.7, "text": "Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.7, "end": 16.54, "text": "Tonight the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring"}, {"start": 16.54, "end": 20.66, "text": "a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a"}, {"start": 20.66, "end": 22.18, "text": "cautionary tale."}, {"start": 22.18, "end": 24.22, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 24.22, "end": 25.58, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.58, "end": 27.02, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 27.02, "end": 32.18, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 32.18, "end": 36.58, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Killer Jesse Open Mike, the only stage on Earth where"}, {"start": 36.58, "end": 41.42, "text": "the roast is free and the man getting roasted is driving for Uber to afford the microphone."}, {"start": 41.42, "end": 46.26, "text": "Tonight fresh meat, fresh material and one broke bastard who films his own passengers"}, {"start": 46.26, "end": 47.98, "text": "and calls it a career."}, {"start": 47.98, "end": 49.94, "text": "Let's tear him up."}, {"start": 49.94, "end": 54.1, "text": "First up the meanest mouth in the room, Vinny the Vulture."}, {"start": 54.1, "end": 55.1, "text": "Thank you."}, {"start": 55.1, "end": 56.1, "text": "Thank you."}, {"start": 56.1, "end": 57.78, "text": "Sit your broke ass is down."}, {"start": 57.78, "end": 60.3, "text": "So Jesse's got a new hustle."}, {"start": 60.3, "end": 62.94, "text": "He films his ride share passengers."}, {"start": 62.94, "end": 63.94, "text": "That's right."}, {"start": 63.94, "end": 68.9, "text": "In his car, thinking you got a ride and by the time you get out, your content."}, {"start": 68.9, "end": 70.54, "text": "You didn't get a lift, buddy."}, {"start": 70.54, "end": 71.74, "text": "You got published."}, {"start": 71.74, "end": 77.98, "text": "Jesse is the only driver alive whose five star rating comes with a release form."}, {"start": 77.98, "end": 82.46, "text": "Get in sir, sign here and try to look like a red for the camera."}, {"start": 82.46, "end": 84.18, "text": "Ha, get him Vinny."}, {"start": 84.18, "end": 87.86, "text": "Next up the driest man in comedy Danny Deadbeat."}, {"start": 87.86, "end": 91.98, "text": "Jesse talks to his computer more than he talks to any human being alive."}, {"start": 91.98, "end": 97.06, "text": "He's got an eye that writes his jokes and eye that edits his videos and eye that runs"}, {"start": 97.06, "end": 98.82, "text": "his whole business."}, {"start": 98.82, "end": 103.54, "text": "At this point, the only thing Jesse still does himself is disappoint people."}, {"start": 103.54, "end": 105.98, "text": "That's the one job he refuses to automate."}, {"start": 105.98, "end": 110.38, "text": "He looked the robot dead in the eye and said, no, that one's personal."}, {"start": 110.38, "end": 115.78, "text": "Ooh, ice cold all the way from across the pond Nigel Worthington."}, {"start": 115.78, "end": 120.34, "text": "This gentleman calls himself a media producer, a mogul."}, {"start": 120.9, "end": 126.18, "text": "Sir, your entire studio is a Honda Civic with a phone mount."}, {"start": 126.18, "end": 129.18, "text": "Your green room is a gas station bathroom."}, {"start": 129.18, "end": 134.42, "text": "Your writer's room is the voice in your head at three in the morning and even he wants to quit."}, {"start": 134.42, "end": 137.1, "text": "You are not a real streaming giant Jesse."}, {"start": 137.1, "end": 142.06, "text": "You are a 50 year old man filming himself cry in a parking lot between fairs and calling"}, {"start": 142.06, "end": 143.9, "text": "it a docuseries."}, {"start": 143.9, "end": 146.02, "text": "Ha, the docuseries."}, {"start": 146.02, "end": 149.62, "text": "Next, the loudest lungs in Sacramento, Big Sal."}, {"start": 149.62, "end": 152.18, "text": "Here's what kills me about Jesse."}, {"start": 152.18, "end": 157.3, "text": "This man scrubs toilets all day and writes toilet jokes all night."}, {"start": 157.3, "end": 159.26, "text": "That ain't two careers."}, {"start": 159.26, "end": 162.3, "text": "That's the same job with a lunch break."}, {"start": 162.3, "end": 168.1, "text": "He's elbow deep in a stranger's bowl going, ooh, that's a good bit."}, {"start": 168.1, "end": 174.86, "text": "You are the only comedian alive whose material and whose job smell exactly the same."}, {"start": 174.86, "end": 177.02, "text": "You don't need a notebook, Jesse."}, {"start": 177.02, "end": 179.5, "text": "You need a hazmat suit."}, {"start": 179.5, "end": 181.78, "text": "Ha, ha, ha, the hazmat suit."}, {"start": 181.78, "end": 184.94, "text": "One more this round, the Scotsman, Big Mac Tavish."}, {"start": 184.94, "end": 186.34, "text": "50 years old."}, {"start": 186.34, "end": 190.38, "text": "Two jobs, no breaks, 300 grand in the hole."}, {"start": 190.38, "end": 196.82, "text": "And this beautiful maniac wakes up every single morning and says, thank you for the business."}, {"start": 196.82, "end": 203.26, "text": "Jesse, you are so broke, your gratitude is the only thing you own free and clear."}, {"start": 203.26, "end": 206.66, "text": "You're grateful the way a hostage is grateful."}, {"start": 206.66, "end": 207.9, "text": "Thank you, sir."}, {"start": 207.9, "end": 208.9, "text": "Wonderful toilet."}, {"start": 208.9, "end": 210.9, "text": "May I please clean another?"}, {"start": 210.9, "end": 214.78, "text": "Oh, round two, no mercy, Vinnie, bring it back."}, {"start": 214.78, "end": 218.74, "text": "Jesse's got a new business idea every single day."}, {"start": 218.74, "end": 221.5, "text": "Websites, comedy, music, cleaning, and app."}, {"start": 221.5, "end": 224.18, "text": "And I swear to you, a goat's."}, {"start": 224.18, "end": 225.18, "text": "A goat."}, {"start": 225.18, "end": 230.1, "text": "A screaming goat named Kevin and none of it makes a dime."}, {"start": 230.1, "end": 232.62, "text": "Jesse doesn't have a business plan."}, {"start": 232.62, "end": 236.06, "text": "He's got a fever dream with a logo."}, {"start": 236.06, "end": 242.02, "text": "His five year plan is just the word, please written 4,000 times."}, {"start": 242.02, "end": 244.3, "text": "Ha, Danny, finish him."}, {"start": 244.3, "end": 245.82, "text": "And the dating life."}, {"start": 245.82, "end": 250.58, "text": "50, broke, smells like bleach and regret."}, {"start": 250.58, "end": 256.14, "text": "Jesse's idea of a first date is showing a woman his passenger footage and going, so,"}, {"start": 256.14, "end": 258.58, "text": "what color do you think you are?"}, {"start": 258.58, "end": 260.68, "text": "That is not a pickup line, Jesse."}, {"start": 260.68, "end": 263.02, "text": "That is a reason she pepper sprays you."}, {"start": 263.02, "end": 267.22, "text": "You are the only man on earth who got friend zone by a personality quiz."}, {"start": 267.22, "end": 271.02, "text": "Ah, okay, okay, settle down you animals."}, {"start": 271.02, "end": 273.74, "text": "And that is killer Jesse, open mic."}, {"start": 273.74, "end": 276.3, "text": "We roasted him from every filthy angle."}, {"start": 276.3, "end": 281.46, "text": "The uber, the robots, the toilets, the goat, the whole broke beautiful disaster."}, {"start": 281.46, "end": 282.74, "text": "But here's the truth."}, {"start": 282.74, "end": 284.1, "text": "You degenerates."}, {"start": 284.1, "end": 287.14, "text": "This man shows up every single day."}, {"start": 287.14, "end": 291.24, "text": "Two jobs, no breaks, still cracking jokes at his own funeral."}, {"start": 291.24, "end": 294.76, "text": "But a man you cannot make quit is a man you cannot kill."}, {"start": 294.76, "end": 299.04, "text": "Give it up for Jesse, the hardest working broke bastard in show business."}, {"start": 299.04, "end": 302.8, "text": "Good night and go make some bad decisions."}, {"start": 302.8, "end": 305.16, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 305.16, "end": 311.68, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new"}, {"start": 311.68, "end": 313.32, "text": "comic steps up."}, {"start": 313.32, "end": 318.96, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 318.96, "end": 322.56, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 322.56, "end": 324.64, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 324.64, "end": 327.92, "text": "Going through something so is he always."}, {"start": 327.92, "end": 330.28, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 330.28, "end": 335.24, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds."}, {"start": 335.24, "end": 340.84, "text": "The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's"}, {"start": 340.84, "end": 341.84, "text": "fault."}, {"start": 341.84, "end": 344.4, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention."}, {"start": 344.4, "end": 344.72, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Killer Jesse Open Mike, the only stage on Earth where the roast is free and the man getting roasted is driving for Uber to afford the microphone. Tonight fresh meat, fresh material and one broke bastard who films his own passengers and calls it a career. Let's tear him up. First up the meanest mouth in the room, Vinny the Vulture. Thank you. Thank you. Sit your broke ass is down. So Jesse's got a new hustle. He films his ride share passengers. That's right. In his car, thinking you got a ride and by the time you get out, your content. You didn't get a lift, buddy. You got published. Jesse is the only driver alive whose five star rating comes with a release form. Get in sir, sign here and try to look like a red for the camera. Ha, get him Vinny. Next up the driest man in comedy Danny Deadbeat. Jesse talks to his computer more than he talks to any human being alive. He's got an eye that writes his jokes and eye that edits his videos and eye that runs his whole business. At this point, the only thing Jesse still does himself is disappoint people. That's the one job he refuses to automate. He looked the robot dead in the eye and said, no, that one's personal. Ooh, ice cold all the way from across the pond Nigel Worthington. This gentleman calls himself a media producer, a mogul. Sir, your entire studio is a Honda Civic with a phone mount. Your green room is a gas station bathroom. Your writer's room is the voice in your head at three in the morning and even he wants to quit. You are not a real streaming giant Jesse. You are a 50 year old man filming himself cry in a parking lot between fairs and calling it a docuseries. Ha, the docuseries. Next, the loudest lungs in Sacramento, Big Sal. Here's what kills me about Jesse. This man scrubs toilets all day and writes toilet jokes all night. That ain't two careers. That's the same job with a lunch break. He's elbow deep in a stranger's bowl going, ooh, that's a good bit. You are the only comedian alive whose material and whose job smell exactly the same. You don't need a notebook, Jesse. You need a hazmat suit. Ha, ha, ha, the hazmat suit. One more this round, the Scotsman, Big Mac Tavish. 50 years old. Two jobs, no breaks, 300 grand in the hole. And this beautiful maniac wakes up every single morning and says, thank you for the business. Jesse, you are so broke, your gratitude is the only thing you own free and clear. You're grateful the way a hostage is grateful. Thank you, sir. Wonderful toilet. May I please clean another? Oh, round two, no mercy, Vinnie, bring it back. Jesse's got a new business idea every single day. Websites, comedy, music, cleaning, and app. And I swear to you, a goat's. A goat. A screaming goat named Kevin and none of it makes a dime. Jesse doesn't have a business plan. He's got a fever dream with a logo. His five year plan is just the word, please written 4,000 times. Ha, Danny, finish him. And the dating life. 50, broke, smells like bleach and regret. Jesse's idea of a first date is showing a woman his passenger footage and going, so, what color do you think you are? That is not a pickup line, Jesse. That is a reason she pepper sprays you. You are the only man on earth who got friend zone by a personality quiz. Ah, okay, okay, settle down you animals. And that is killer Jesse, open mic. We roasted him from every filthy angle. The uber, the robots, the toilets, the goat, the whole broke beautiful disaster. But here's the truth. You degenerates. This man shows up every single day. Two jobs, no breaks, still cracking jokes at his own funeral. But a man you cannot make quit is a man you cannot kill. Give it up for Jesse, the hardest working broke bastard in show business. Good night and go make some bad decisions. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds. The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}