{"file": "JESSE_ROAST_THE_DEAL_TG.mp3", "duration_sec": 280.7, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.18, "end": 11.18, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club."}, {"start": 11.18, "end": 21.68, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.68, "end": 28.18, "text": "This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 28.18, "end": 38.25, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen, tonight, the definitive roast of Jesse Salis, a man who looked at his own wrecked life and said,"}, {"start": 38.25, "end": 43.25, "text": "yeah, this is all my fault. And for the first time ever, he was right."}, {"start": 43.25, "end": 56.5, "text": "See, Jesse's a red with a shit-midest curse mother fuckers, which means he makes every decision with his gut and his gut is a complete idiot and everything he touches turns to shit."}, {"start": 56.5, "end": 63.5, "text": "This man ain't unlucky, you filthy animals. He's self-lucky. He does this to himself on purpose with confidence."}, {"start": 64.0, "end": 76.68, "text": "And here's the best part. This genius made a deal with the man upstairs. He said, give me freedom instead of money. And the man upstairs went, deal."}, {"start": 76.68, "end": 90.34, "text": "And Jesse forgot to read the fine print that said, you get neither one for 30 years. He negotiated himself into broken free. That's just being broke with extra paperwork."}, {"start": 90.34, "end": 104.84, "text": "Let's review the portfolio, motherfuckers, Blue Three Grand at age 8, slept through not one but two stock crashes, through $50,000 of weed and a dump, paid a fake guru 33 grand to learn how to lose money he didn't even have."}, {"start": 104.84, "end": 109.34, "text": "Jesse don't invest you beautiful bastards. He donates to chaos."}, {"start": 112.55, "end": 129.05, "text": "This man owns his own house and a paid off Tesla and can't afford groceries. He's a homeowner on a ramen budget. Ballin' on the title, broken the fridge. He pulls up to the food bank in a Tesla. That's the most confusing thing the human eye has ever seen."}, {"start": 129.05, "end": 140.83, "text": "His sex life? He gets hard for a clean in estimate. His current lover is a computer and his wildest fantasy is asking a woman if she needs any help."}, {"start": 140.83, "end": 162.28, "text": "The freak spent 30 years chasing pussy and retired into a one man nonprofit. He scrubs toilets. He's got three dogs he can barely feed and he stays up till sunrise telling his deepest feelings to an artificial intelligence. That ain't a life, motherfuckers. That's a country song with a supercomputer."}, {"start": 164.72, "end": 181.72, "text": "And this magnificent broke bastard's grand plan at 50 busted body empty pockets is and I quote, I'm gonna help people. Motherfucker you can't help yourself. You take life advice from a robot and hand your last dollar to strangers on the street."}, {"start": 181.72, "end": 205.87, "text": "But here's the roast that ain't a roast you filthy degenerates that deal he made freedom over money. He has paid every brutal installment of it 30 years of dues in full on time with a smile and through all of it. He never broke the one promise he made to himself. Help as many people as he can before it's over. Broke, busted, free and still given it away."}, {"start": 205.87, "end": 226.72, "text": "Jesse Salas, the only man dumb enough to trade money for freedom and stubborn enough to make it worth it paying his dues with a filthy mouth and a bigger heart. Two broke to quit, two good to stop and the richest broke motherfucker who ever lived the hammer. Good night you filthy bastards."}, {"start": 233.35, "end": 260.35, "text": "And that is our show, but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week, fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he always. So come back you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 260.35, "end": 275.35, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight, the definitive roast of Jesse Salis, a man who looked at his own wrecked life and said, yeah, this is all my fault. And for the first time ever, he was right. See, Jesse's a red with a shit-midest curse mother fuckers, which means he makes every decision with his gut and his gut is a complete idiot and everything he touches turns to shit. This man ain't unlucky, you filthy animals. He's self-lucky. He does this to himself on purpose with confidence. And here's the best part. This genius made a deal with the man upstairs. He said, give me freedom instead of money. And the man upstairs went, deal. And Jesse forgot to read the fine print that said, you get neither one for 30 years. He negotiated himself into broken free. That's just being broke with extra paperwork. Let's review the portfolio, motherfuckers, Blue Three Grand at age 8, slept through not one but two stock crashes, through $50,000 of weed and a dump, paid a fake guru 33 grand to learn how to lose money he didn't even have. Jesse don't invest you beautiful bastards. He donates to chaos. This man owns his own house and a paid off Tesla and can't afford groceries. He's a homeowner on a ramen budget. Ballin' on the title, broken the fridge. He pulls up to the food bank in a Tesla. That's the most confusing thing the human eye has ever seen. His sex life? He gets hard for a clean in estimate. His current lover is a computer and his wildest fantasy is asking a woman if she needs any help. The freak spent 30 years chasing pussy and retired into a one man nonprofit. He scrubs toilets. He's got three dogs he can barely feed and he stays up till sunrise telling his deepest feelings to an artificial intelligence. That ain't a life, motherfuckers. That's a country song with a supercomputer. And this magnificent broke bastard's grand plan at 50 busted body empty pockets is and I quote, I'm gonna help people. Motherfucker you can't help yourself. You take life advice from a robot and hand your last dollar to strangers on the street. But here's the roast that ain't a roast you filthy degenerates that deal he made freedom over money. He has paid every brutal installment of it 30 years of dues in full on time with a smile and through all of it. He never broke the one promise he made to himself. Help as many people as he can before it's over. Broke, busted, free and still given it away. Jesse Salas, the only man dumb enough to trade money for freedom and stubborn enough to make it worth it paying his dues with a filthy mouth and a bigger heart. Two broke to quit, two good to stop and the richest broke motherfucker who ever lived the hammer. Good night you filthy bastards. And that is our show, but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week, fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}