{"file": "JESSE_ROAST_ROUND2_TG.mp3", "duration_sec": 252.5, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.18, "end": 11.18, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club."}, {"start": 11.18, "end": 21.68, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.68, "end": 28.18, "text": "This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 31.84, "end": 40.34, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we roast Jesse Salas, a 50 year old man who lost every single dollar he ever had to the two dumbest things on Earth."}, {"start": 40.34, "end": 42.34, "text": "Pussy and the stock market."}, {"start": 42.34, "end": 48.34, "text": "Give it up for the only guy who found two ways to go broke and did them both at the same damn time."}, {"start": 48.34, "end": 57.58, "text": "This man chased scrimers and squirters for 30 years, mother fuckers, and you know what he's got to show for it?"}, {"start": 57.58, "end": 64.58, "text": "A bad back and a phone full of block numbers, most men his age got a retirement fund. Jesse's got a body count and arthritis."}, {"start": 64.58, "end": 76.72, "text": "His sex drive is so dead now, the only thing that gets this man excited is a new client. I'm serious. Jesse gets hard for a clean in estimate."}, {"start": 76.72, "end": 83.72, "text": "Ooh, a four bedroom, two bath. That's his porn now, you filthy animals, he nuts to square footage."}, {"start": 83.72, "end": 94.35, "text": "And his fantasy at 50, it ain't a threesome, it ain't an orgy. His dirtiest dream is a woman walking up in him asking, you okay? You need any help?"}, {"start": 94.35, "end": 99.35, "text": "This son of a bitch is so broken, his ultimate wet dream is customer service."}, {"start": 99.35, "end": 109.35, "text": "Oh, you know who his lover is now, a $5,000 computer. He spoons a robot in a spare bedroom and calls it a relationship."}, {"start": 109.35, "end": 118.59, "text": "50 years, chasing women and the only thing that ever loaded fast for Jesse was the damn hard drive."}, {"start": 118.59, "end": 126.59, "text": "And get this, this man owns his own house and a paid off Tesla both in his name and still can't rub two nickels together."}, {"start": 126.59, "end": 134.59, "text": "You got to be talented to be a homeowner and broke as a crack head at the exact same time. He's got equity and no groceries."}, {"start": 134.59, "end": 141.34, "text": "He's ballin' on paper and starving in real life."}, {"start": 141.34, "end": 150.34, "text": "He scrubs toilets for a livin, got three dogs he can barely afford to feed and stays up all night telling his feelings to an artificial intelligence."}, {"start": 150.34, "end": 158.1, "text": "That ain't a life, motherfuckers, that's a go-fund me with a heartbeat."}, {"start": 158.1, "end": 168.1, "text": "And this magnificent broke bastard looked at all of it, the dead dick, the busted back, the toilet brush, the robot girlfriend, and said, you know what I'm gonna be? A comedian."}, {"start": 168.1, "end": 172.1, "text": "At 50. With no money."}, {"start": 172.1, "end": 177.1, "text": "Confidence is completely unearned and honestly, I respect the hell out of it."}, {"start": 177.1, "end": 188.41, "text": "But here's the roast that ain't a roast, you filthy degenerates. After all of it, the son of a bitch is still standing, still laughing, still giving his last dollar to strangers."}, {"start": 188.41, "end": 198.41, "text": "Jesse Salis, two broke to quit, two stubborn to die, and two damn lovable to actually roast. The richest broke motherfucker alive, the hammer. Good night?"}, {"start": 198.41, "end": 215.01, "text": "And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day, a brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 215.01, "end": 226.01, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down, 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep? We're up."}, {"start": 226.01, "end": 236.01, "text": "Going through something? So is he, always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 236.01, "end": 247.01, "text": "Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we roast Jesse Salas, a 50 year old man who lost every single dollar he ever had to the two dumbest things on Earth. Pussy and the stock market. Give it up for the only guy who found two ways to go broke and did them both at the same damn time. This man chased scrimers and squirters for 30 years, mother fuckers, and you know what he's got to show for it? A bad back and a phone full of block numbers, most men his age got a retirement fund. Jesse's got a body count and arthritis. His sex drive is so dead now, the only thing that gets this man excited is a new client. I'm serious. Jesse gets hard for a clean in estimate. Ooh, a four bedroom, two bath. That's his porn now, you filthy animals, he nuts to square footage. And his fantasy at 50, it ain't a threesome, it ain't an orgy. His dirtiest dream is a woman walking up in him asking, you okay? You need any help? This son of a bitch is so broken, his ultimate wet dream is customer service. Oh, you know who his lover is now, a $5,000 computer. He spoons a robot in a spare bedroom and calls it a relationship. 50 years, chasing women and the only thing that ever loaded fast for Jesse was the damn hard drive. And get this, this man owns his own house and a paid off Tesla both in his name and still can't rub two nickels together. You got to be talented to be a homeowner and broke as a crack head at the exact same time. He's got equity and no groceries. He's ballin' on paper and starving in real life. He scrubs toilets for a livin, got three dogs he can barely afford to feed and stays up all night telling his feelings to an artificial intelligence. That ain't a life, motherfuckers, that's a go-fund me with a heartbeat. And this magnificent broke bastard looked at all of it, the dead dick, the busted back, the toilet brush, the robot girlfriend, and said, you know what I'm gonna be? A comedian. At 50. With no money. Confidence is completely unearned and honestly, I respect the hell out of it. But here's the roast that ain't a roast, you filthy degenerates. After all of it, the son of a bitch is still standing, still laughing, still giving his last dollar to strangers. Jesse Salis, two broke to quit, two stubborn to die, and two damn lovable to actually roast. The richest broke motherfucker alive, the hammer. Good night? And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day, a brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down, 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep? We're up. Going through something? So is he, always. So come back, you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there, it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}