{"file": "JESSE_LIFE_ROAST_TG.mp3", "duration_sec": 265.4, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.18, "end": 11.18, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club."}, {"start": 11.18, "end": 19.18, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software"}, {"start": 19.18, "end": 28.18, "text": "and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 28.18, "end": 42.22, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we roast the shit might as himself, a man who has failed at more businesses than most of you filthy degenerates have ever had and every single one was his own dumb fault."}, {"start": 42.22, "end": 49.0, "text": "No mercy tonight, mother fuckers, not one drop."}, {"start": 49.0, "end": 59.0, "text": "Let's start at age 8, because that's when the stupidity clocked in. This little bastard had a candy store, three grand in the bank and a grandma begging him, don't touch it. So what's he do?"}, {"start": 59.0, "end": 67.0, "text": "Blows every fucking dollar on toys and pizza before he had a single armpit hair, eight years old and already a damn cautionary tale."}, {"start": 67.0, "end": 78.18, "text": "Then he builds a trading card empire in grade school and gets banned by the principal. Banned, this motherfucker got shut down like a cartel before he hit puberty."}, {"start": 78.18, "end": 91.0, "text": "Other kids get a gold star, Jesse got a cease and desist with a juice stained backpack. He sold weed and got robbed by his own best friend. He sold gold, he sold vitamins."}, {"start": 91.0, "end": 102.0, "text": "He sold his whole damn dignity and ended up broke every single time. This son of a bitch could sell ice to a penguin and still somehow owe the penguin money."}, {"start": 102.0, "end": 112.72, "text": "Then he grows up and finds the stock market goes all in on one stock and then I shit you not you filthy animals takes a nap."}, {"start": 112.72, "end": 123.72, "text": "Wakes up 25 grand poorer, the only man alive who slept through his own financial murder and then he did it again twice who gets assassinated by the market in his sleep twice."}, {"start": 123.72, "end": 136.16, "text": "He sold his Tesla at a 10 grand loss, dumped it all in, got slaughtered and then the cherry on the shit Sunday, the stock shot up two months later."}, {"start": 136.16, "end": 142.16, "text": "This bastard is so cursed he's right and still fucking broke. He wins the argument and loses the house."}, {"start": 143.16, "end": 156.24, "text": "He threw $50,000 of weed in a landfill, gave away a fortune in cards, paid a fake TV guru 33 grand to learn how to lose money he didn't even have."}, {"start": 156.24, "end": 160.24, "text": "Jesse don't make bad decisions motherfuckers, he collects them like a hobby."}, {"start": 160.24, "end": 175.02, "text": "And now at 50 years damn old this legend is broke, single, three dogs scrubbing toilets for a buck 50 a day and talking to a robot in a spare bedroom trying to become a comedian."}, {"start": 176.02, "end": 183.02, "text": "That's the whole resume you beautiful bastards. 50 years of grabbing the live wire and licking it just to be sure."}, {"start": 186.07, "end": 200.07, "text": "But here's the twist that'll piss you off. The son of a bitch is still smiling, still standing, still swinging that filthy mouth, lost every dollar he ever touched and kept the only thing that ever mattered."}, {"start": 200.07, "end": 217.45, "text": "He can make a whole room of degenerates cry laughing at the wreckage. Jesse Salis, the richest broke mother fucker alive, the hammer, good night you filthy motherfuckers."}, {"start": 217.45, "end": 228.45, "text": "And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 228.45, "end": 237.45, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week, fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 237.45, "end": 250.45, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins."}, {"start": 250.45, "end": 260.45, "text": "Red line comedy club, open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we roast the shit might as himself, a man who has failed at more businesses than most of you filthy degenerates have ever had and every single one was his own dumb fault. No mercy tonight, mother fuckers, not one drop. Let's start at age 8, because that's when the stupidity clocked in. This little bastard had a candy store, three grand in the bank and a grandma begging him, don't touch it. So what's he do? Blows every fucking dollar on toys and pizza before he had a single armpit hair, eight years old and already a damn cautionary tale. Then he builds a trading card empire in grade school and gets banned by the principal. Banned, this motherfucker got shut down like a cartel before he hit puberty. Other kids get a gold star, Jesse got a cease and desist with a juice stained backpack. He sold weed and got robbed by his own best friend. He sold gold, he sold vitamins. He sold his whole damn dignity and ended up broke every single time. This son of a bitch could sell ice to a penguin and still somehow owe the penguin money. Then he grows up and finds the stock market goes all in on one stock and then I shit you not you filthy animals takes a nap. Wakes up 25 grand poorer, the only man alive who slept through his own financial murder and then he did it again twice who gets assassinated by the market in his sleep twice. He sold his Tesla at a 10 grand loss, dumped it all in, got slaughtered and then the cherry on the shit Sunday, the stock shot up two months later. This bastard is so cursed he's right and still fucking broke. He wins the argument and loses the house. He threw $50,000 of weed in a landfill, gave away a fortune in cards, paid a fake TV guru 33 grand to learn how to lose money he didn't even have. Jesse don't make bad decisions motherfuckers, he collects them like a hobby. And now at 50 years damn old this legend is broke, single, three dogs scrubbing toilets for a buck 50 a day and talking to a robot in a spare bedroom trying to become a comedian. That's the whole resume you beautiful bastards. 50 years of grabbing the live wire and licking it just to be sure. But here's the twist that'll piss you off. The son of a bitch is still smiling, still standing, still swinging that filthy mouth, lost every dollar he ever touched and kept the only thing that ever mattered. He can make a whole room of degenerates cry laughing at the wreckage. Jesse Salis, the richest broke mother fucker alive, the hammer, good night you filthy motherfuckers. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week, fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins. Red line comedy club, open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}