{"file": "JESSE_CANDY_DEBT_STORY_TG.mp3", "duration_sec": 215.1, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 5.22, "text": "I clean houses for a living, and now I also sell fucking candy, and I need you dumbasses"}, {"start": 5.22, "end": 10.1, "text": "to sit with that combination for a second, cuz I gotta live inside it every single damn"}, {"start": 10.1, "end": 15.9, "text": "day, every damn day, just me, a mop, and my worst fucking decisions."}, {"start": 15.9, "end": 18.46, "text": "Here's the math nobody warns your ass about."}, {"start": 18.46, "end": 24.26, "text": "I owe 300 fucking grand and a super computer so expensive it should have its own dental plan,"}, {"start": 24.26, "end": 29.94, "text": "and my solution, my genius ass 10 out of 10 dumb fuck solution, was candy."}, {"start": 29.94, "end": 33.26, "text": "Not consulting, not real estate, gummy bears."}, {"start": 33.26, "end": 37.82, "text": "I looked 300 thousand dollars of dead dead in the eye and said, you know what beats that"}, {"start": 37.82, "end": 40.26, "text": "bitch, sour patch kids."}, {"start": 40.26, "end": 43.82, "text": "I'll be elbow deep in some stranger's toilet at 8 a.m."}, {"start": 43.82, "end": 48.34, "text": "Scrubbing off shit I will not describe to your soft asses out of respect for whoever's"}, {"start": 48.34, "end": 53.42, "text": "eating breakfast right now, and I mean that literally motherfuckers, there was shit."}, {"start": 53.42, "end": 57.9, "text": "And by noon I'm behind a folding table in a parking lot going, would you like a sample"}, {"start": 57.9, "end": 63.7, "text": "maam with the same, fucking hands, different gloves, same tired ass sole underneath, and"}, {"start": 63.7, "end": 67.62, "text": "that sole filed for a nap and got its dumb ass denied."}, {"start": 67.62, "end": 70.1, "text": "People ask me, Jesse, why the hell candy?"}, {"start": 70.1, "end": 74.9, "text": "Cuz candy don't talk back motherfucker, candy don't leave a one star review cuz I missed"}, {"start": 74.9, "end": 79.78, "text": "a damn baseboard, candy just sits there being sweet, which is more than I can say for"}, {"start": 79.78, "end": 84.62, "text": "half the assholes who hire me to scrub their shitters and then act personally betrayed by"}, {"start": 84.62, "end": 86.42, "text": "one smudge."}, {"start": 86.42, "end": 91.66, "text": "I did the math on this whole shit show, toilets in the morning, candy in the afternoon, a"}, {"start": 91.66, "end": 97.18, "text": "super computer I'm basically making car payments on like it's a Tesla that judges my dumb ass,"}, {"start": 97.18, "end": 100.14, "text": "and I realized I ain't running two businesses."}, {"start": 100.14, "end": 106.06, "text": "I'm running one long ass panic attack with a real good scent and a decent fucking margin."}, {"start": 106.06, "end": 109.62, "text": "Some lady at an event asked me if the candy's made with love."}, {"start": 109.62, "end": 115.1, "text": "No maam, it is made with desperation and a payment plan due on the 15th, and if you're late,"}, {"start": 115.1, "end": 117.9, "text": "that super computer will let your ass know."}, {"start": 117.9, "end": 119.58, "text": "Love don't come with a due date."}, {"start": 119.58, "end": 122.06, "text": "My super computer damn sure does."}, {"start": 122.06, "end": 126.22, "text": "Every fucking month that sends me a bill like it's personally disappointed in me, like it"}, {"start": 126.22, "end": 131.22, "text": "caught me lying about the margin and it's too polite to say bullshit so it just charges"}, {"start": 131.22, "end": 133.18, "text": "me interest instead."}, {"start": 133.18, "end": 135.22, "text": "But here's the sick ass part."}, {"start": 135.22, "end": 139.98, "text": "Every dollar off every gummy bear, every dollar off every toilet I have ever scrubbed"}, {"start": 139.98, "end": 141.82, "text": "with these two nasty hands."}, {"start": 141.82, "end": 144.54, "text": "It is all going to the same damn place."}, {"start": 144.54, "end": 149.74, "text": "Paying off a machine so smart it could probably explain in full nerdy ass detail."}, {"start": 149.74, "end": 153.14, "text": "Exactly why I'm doing this shit to myself if I asked it."}, {"start": 153.14, "end": 154.42, "text": "I have not asked it."}, {"start": 154.42, "end": 156.06, "text": "I do not want to know."}, {"start": 156.06, "end": 160.42, "text": "I just want that bitch paid off so it stops judging me in silence."}, {"start": 160.42, "end": 162.78, "text": "One blink in light at a time."}, {"start": 162.78, "end": 164.22, "text": "People think I'm building an empire."}, {"start": 164.22, "end": 166.06, "text": "Nah, I'm building a receipt."}, {"start": 166.06, "end": 167.06, "text": "Allowed."}, {"start": 167.06, "end": 172.14, "text": "Candy scented ass receipt held together with dish gloves, duct tape and pure spite."}, {"start": 172.14, "end": 177.5, "text": "And one day when that 300 grand hits zero I am walking my ass into that computer room."}, {"start": 177.5, "end": 182.02, "text": "I am going to look that motherfucker dead in whatever the hell passes for its face."}, {"start": 182.02, "end": 187.02, "text": "And I am going to say we're even now bitch and it's going to say nothing back."}, {"start": 187.02, "end": 191.1, "text": "Because it's a damn computer and I will have won an argument with a computer for the first"}, {"start": 191.1, "end": 193.94, "text": "time in my whole fucking life."}, {"start": 193.94, "end": 198.46, "text": "So yeah toilets in the morning, candy in the afternoon, a damn supercomputer at night"}, {"start": 198.46, "end": 204.06, "text": "sitting there humming like it's got something smart ass to say about my dumb ass life choices."}, {"start": 204.06, "end": 209.18, "text": "It don't, it just runs the fucking numbers, cold as shit, no mercy, no feelings, just a"}, {"start": 209.18, "end": 211.42, "text": "cursor blinking at my broke ass."}, {"start": 211.42, "end": 214.62, "text": "And the numbers say I'm one gummy bear closer to free."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nI clean houses for a living, and now I also sell fucking candy, and I need you dumbasses to sit with that combination for a second, cuz I gotta live inside it every single damn day, every damn day, just me, a mop, and my worst fucking decisions. Here's the math nobody warns your ass about. I owe 300 fucking grand and a super computer so expensive it should have its own dental plan, and my solution, my genius ass 10 out of 10 dumb fuck solution, was candy. Not consulting, not real estate, gummy bears. I looked 300 thousand dollars of dead dead in the eye and said, you know what beats that bitch, sour patch kids. I'll be elbow deep in some stranger's toilet at 8 a.m. Scrubbing off shit I will not describe to your soft asses out of respect for whoever's eating breakfast right now, and I mean that literally motherfuckers, there was shit. And by noon I'm behind a folding table in a parking lot going, would you like a sample maam with the same, fucking hands, different gloves, same tired ass sole underneath, and that sole filed for a nap and got its dumb ass denied. People ask me, Jesse, why the hell candy? Cuz candy don't talk back motherfucker, candy don't leave a one star review cuz I missed a damn baseboard, candy just sits there being sweet, which is more than I can say for half the assholes who hire me to scrub their shitters and then act personally betrayed by one smudge. I did the math on this whole shit show, toilets in the morning, candy in the afternoon, a super computer I'm basically making car payments on like it's a Tesla that judges my dumb ass, and I realized I ain't running two businesses. I'm running one long ass panic attack with a real good scent and a decent fucking margin. Some lady at an event asked me if the candy's made with love. No maam, it is made with desperation and a payment plan due on the 15th, and if you're late, that super computer will let your ass know. Love don't come with a due date. My super computer damn sure does. Every fucking month that sends me a bill like it's personally disappointed in me, like it caught me lying about the margin and it's too polite to say bullshit so it just charges me interest instead. But here's the sick ass part. Every dollar off every gummy bear, every dollar off every toilet I have ever scrubbed with these two nasty hands. It is all going to the same damn place. Paying off a machine so smart it could probably explain in full nerdy ass detail. Exactly why I'm doing this shit to myself if I asked it. I have not asked it. I do not want to know. I just want that bitch paid off so it stops judging me in silence. One blink in light at a time. People think I'm building an empire. Nah, I'm building a receipt. Allowed. Candy scented ass receipt held together with dish gloves, duct tape and pure spite. And one day when that 300 grand hits zero I am walking my ass into that computer room. I am going to look that motherfucker dead in whatever the hell passes for its face. And I am going to say we're even now bitch and it's going to say nothing back. Because it's a damn computer and I will have won an argument with a computer for the first time in my whole fucking life. So yeah toilets in the morning, candy in the afternoon, a damn supercomputer at night sitting there humming like it's got something smart ass to say about my dumb ass life choices. It don't, it just runs the fucking numbers, cold as shit, no mercy, no feelings, just a cursor blinking at my broke ass. And the numbers say I'm one gummy bear closer to free.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}