{"file": "I_WON_A_GOAT_TG.mp3", "duration_sec": 240.4, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.18, "end": 11.18, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club."}, {"start": 11.18, "end": 21.68, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.68, "end": 28.18, "text": "This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 28.18, "end": 40.78, "text": "So, I'm in a poker game. Now, I'm broke. I got no business being in a poker game, but some guy at the bar offers to spot me a hundred bucks."}, {"start": 40.78, "end": 48.78, "text": "And that right there is bad decision number one, when a stranger believes in you more than your own bank does."}, {"start": 48.78, "end": 56.78, "text": "Few hours in, I'm all in. And the guy across from me runs out of cash. So he goes, tell you what, I'll bet my goat."}, {"start": 56.78, "end": 71.28, "text": "His goat, and I'm sitting there holding a full house. So my broke brain goes easy money. I mean, easy goat. And I win. I win. And that is how I became the proud owner of a goat named Kevin."}, {"start": 71.28, "end": 78.78, "text": "Now, here's a thing nobody tells you about winning a goat at two in the morning. You got to get the goat home. I don't have a truck. I got a Honda Civic."}, {"start": 78.78, "end": 90.28, "text": "So I'm driving down the freeway at 2 a.m. with a full grown goat in my passenger seat seat belt on because he would not sit still without it. And Kevin is just screaming out the window at every car we pass."}, {"start": 90.28, "end": 102.68, "text": "And people are looking over. And I just pointed him like, it's not my goat. It was my goat. It was very much my goat. So Kevin moves in. And Kevin is an animal in every sense."}, {"start": 102.68, "end": 114.68, "text": "The first week that son of a bitch ate my couch ate a whole shoe ate my one good tie. The tie I was saving for the job interviews. I was never going to get Kevin ate my future folks."}, {"start": 114.68, "end": 123.68, "text": "Literally chewed up my one shot at a normal life and then looked me dead in the eye while he did it. Then the ho-ah gets involved. I get a letter."}, {"start": 123.68, "end": 133.68, "text": "Sir, you are not zoned for livestock. And I wrote back, he's not livestock. He's my roommate. And unlike the last one, he pays half the rent, which was a lie."}, {"start": 133.68, "end": 144.68, "text": "Kevin has never paid a dime. Kevin has no job. Kevin has no ambition. Kevin is. And I say this with love exactly as financially responsible as I am."}, {"start": 144.68, "end": 160.68, "text": "And here's the twist. Church. Kevin got famous. I posted one video of Kevin screaming. And it got two million views. Two million. I have been busting my ass for years to go viral, building websites, making comedy and a goat did it in one afternoon by screaming."}, {"start": 160.68, "end": 173.68, "text": "Kevin makes more money than me now. Kevin has a sponsor. Kevin got a brand deal with a hay company. I'm his manager now. I take 20% which means for the first time in my life. I am financially dependent on a goat."}, {"start": 173.68, "end": 184.68, "text": "So that's the knockout folks. I went to a poker game to win money. And I came home with a screaming goat who is now my landlord, my roommate, my boss, and my only source of income."}, {"start": 184.68, "end": 202.68, "text": "And you know the worst part. Kevin's got better credit than me because Kevin never bought a supercomputer. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up."}, {"start": 202.68, "end": 217.68, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week, fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he always."}, {"start": 217.68, "end": 234.68, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. So, I'm in a poker game. Now, I'm broke. I got no business being in a poker game, but some guy at the bar offers to spot me a hundred bucks. And that right there is bad decision number one, when a stranger believes in you more than your own bank does. Few hours in, I'm all in. And the guy across from me runs out of cash. So he goes, tell you what, I'll bet my goat. His goat, and I'm sitting there holding a full house. So my broke brain goes easy money. I mean, easy goat. And I win. I win. And that is how I became the proud owner of a goat named Kevin. Now, here's a thing nobody tells you about winning a goat at two in the morning. You got to get the goat home. I don't have a truck. I got a Honda Civic. So I'm driving down the freeway at 2 a.m. with a full grown goat in my passenger seat seat belt on because he would not sit still without it. And Kevin is just screaming out the window at every car we pass. And people are looking over. And I just pointed him like, it's not my goat. It was my goat. It was very much my goat. So Kevin moves in. And Kevin is an animal in every sense. The first week that son of a bitch ate my couch ate a whole shoe ate my one good tie. The tie I was saving for the job interviews. I was never going to get Kevin ate my future folks. Literally chewed up my one shot at a normal life and then looked me dead in the eye while he did it. Then the ho-ah gets involved. I get a letter. Sir, you are not zoned for livestock. And I wrote back, he's not livestock. He's my roommate. And unlike the last one, he pays half the rent, which was a lie. Kevin has never paid a dime. Kevin has no job. Kevin has no ambition. Kevin is. And I say this with love exactly as financially responsible as I am. And here's the twist. Church. Kevin got famous. I posted one video of Kevin screaming. And it got two million views. Two million. I have been busting my ass for years to go viral, building websites, making comedy and a goat did it in one afternoon by screaming. Kevin makes more money than me now. Kevin has a sponsor. Kevin got a brand deal with a hay company. I'm his manager now. I take 20% which means for the first time in my life. I am financially dependent on a goat. So that's the knockout folks. I went to a poker game to win money. And I came home with a screaming goat who is now my landlord, my roommate, my boss, and my only source of income. And you know the worst part. Kevin's got better credit than me because Kevin never bought a supercomputer. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week, fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. Going through something so is he always. So come back you beautiful degenerates go to bombed dot app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark wins the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault subscribe he needs the attention good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}