{"file": "HOW_TO_SURVIVE_A_BLUE_TG.mp3", "duration_sec": 249.5, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.18, "end": 11.18, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club."}, {"start": 11.18, "end": 21.68, "text": "Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale."}, {"start": 21.68, "end": 28.18, "text": "This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take."}, {"start": 28.18, "end": 39.22, "text": "All right, you filthy degenerates. I warned you about the blue booby trap. Now Jesse's gonna teach you how a broke man survives it."}, {"start": 39.22, "end": 45.22, "text": "Cause I figured out the counter move, motherfuckers, and it saved my dumbass more times than I can count."}, {"start": 45.22, "end": 57.03, "text": "See, before a blue could ever trap me, I'd disarm the trap. First thing out of my mouth before hello, before her name. I'd say, look, I got no money."}, {"start": 57.03, "end": 66.03, "text": "And if you get pregnant, I cannot and will not do it. I led with my absolute worst qualities like a damn warning label on a pack of cigarettes."}, {"start": 66.03, "end": 77.02, "text": "And you know what happened? You filthy animals? The gold diggers ran. The booby traps folded up and rolled out the door looking for a Rolex."}, {"start": 77.02, "end": 88.02, "text": "But the ones who stayed after hearing broken no babies? Those were the real ones. There for the fun, not the funds. Best filter ever invented. I scared off every trap and kept every good time."}, {"start": 90.84, "end": 101.84, "text": "But here's the thing, motherfuckers. Even with all that, sometimes a tornado still gets through. A crazy blue slips past the screening. And when that girl hits, it is the worst day of your entire life."}, {"start": 101.84, "end": 106.84, "text": "And I got war stories, barely making it out alive, just to be standing here telling you about it."}, {"start": 109.84, "end": 118.84, "text": "And you want to know the most painful part of every single tornado story? When it finally blows up, when it all goes to hell, everybody around you goes,"}, {"start": 118.84, "end": 132.84, "text": "oh yeah, we all knew she was crazy. Everyone knew you beautiful bastards, your friends knew, your mom knew, the damn mailman knew. You were the last person on earth to find out you were dating a natural disaster."}, {"start": 133.84, "end": 147.05, "text": "You're standing in the wreckage of your whole life going, why didn't anybody tell me? And they go, bro, we did. You weren't listening. You had the glasses off. That's the curse."}, {"start": 147.05, "end": 162.86, "text": "The one man who can't see the tornado is the one standing in the middle of it. And that, you filthy degenerates. That right there is exactly why I wrote this comedy and these damn books."}, {"start": 162.86, "end": 172.86, "text": "So you can be the one who sees it coming before the tornado touches down instead of the dumb bastard finding out at the divorce at the custody hearing or in the back of a cop car."}, {"start": 173.86, "end": 195.3, "text": "So take it from a man who survived every storm to tell the tale. Lead with your worst, so only the real ones stay. Read the color so you see the tornado on the radar. And when everybody in your life is telling you she's crazy for once in your damn life, listen, that's the whole book, motherfuckers, the hammer. Good night, you filthy bastards."}, {"start": 201.9, "end": 220.9, "text": "And that is our show, but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week, fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 221.9, "end": 240.9, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up, going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates, go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds, the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 240.9, "end": 243.9, "text": "Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line comedy club. Tonight, the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. All right, you filthy degenerates. I warned you about the blue booby trap. Now Jesse's gonna teach you how a broke man survives it. Cause I figured out the counter move, motherfuckers, and it saved my dumbass more times than I can count. See, before a blue could ever trap me, I'd disarm the trap. First thing out of my mouth before hello, before her name. I'd say, look, I got no money. And if you get pregnant, I cannot and will not do it. I led with my absolute worst qualities like a damn warning label on a pack of cigarettes. And you know what happened? You filthy animals? The gold diggers ran. The booby traps folded up and rolled out the door looking for a Rolex. But the ones who stayed after hearing broken no babies? Those were the real ones. There for the fun, not the funds. Best filter ever invented. I scared off every trap and kept every good time. But here's the thing, motherfuckers. Even with all that, sometimes a tornado still gets through. A crazy blue slips past the screening. And when that girl hits, it is the worst day of your entire life. And I got war stories, barely making it out alive, just to be standing here telling you about it. And you want to know the most painful part of every single tornado story? When it finally blows up, when it all goes to hell, everybody around you goes, oh yeah, we all knew she was crazy. Everyone knew you beautiful bastards, your friends knew, your mom knew, the damn mailman knew. You were the last person on earth to find out you were dating a natural disaster. You're standing in the wreckage of your whole life going, why didn't anybody tell me? And they go, bro, we did. You weren't listening. You had the glasses off. That's the curse. The one man who can't see the tornado is the one standing in the middle of it. And that, you filthy degenerates. That right there is exactly why I wrote this comedy and these damn books. So you can be the one who sees it coming before the tornado touches down instead of the dumb bastard finding out at the divorce at the custody hearing or in the back of a cop car. So take it from a man who survived every storm to tell the tale. Lead with your worst, so only the real ones stay. Read the color so you see the tornado on the radar. And when everybody in your life is telling you she's crazy for once in your damn life, listen, that's the whole book, motherfuckers, the hammer. Good night, you filthy bastards. And that is our show, but the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week, fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up, going through something so is he always so come back you beautiful degenerates, go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds, the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe, he needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}