{"file": "GRANDMAS_LITTLE_HELPER_TG.mp3", "duration_sec": 218.5, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.18, "end": 9.7, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the"}, {"start": 9.7, "end": 11.7, "text": "Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.7, "end": 16.94, "text": "Tonight the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup"}, {"start": 16.94, "end": 21.18, "text": "of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary"}, {"start": 21.18, "end": 22.18, "text": "tale."}, {"start": 22.18, "end": 24.18, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 24.18, "end": 25.58, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.58, "end": 27.02, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 27.02, "end": 31.77, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 31.77, "end": 37.53, "text": "So it's Thanksgiving at my aunt's house, whole family, 30 people, chaos, and my uncle"}, {"start": 37.53, "end": 42.45, "text": "Ray, he takes these little blue pills for his blood pressure."}, {"start": 42.45, "end": 43.61, "text": "That's what we call it."}, {"start": 43.61, "end": 45.41, "text": "It's not for his blood pressure."}, {"start": 45.41, "end": 50.97, "text": "Uncle Ray is 71 and he has been managing his blood pressure very aggressively since"}, {"start": 50.97, "end": 53.43, "text": "Aunt Carol got that new haircut."}, {"start": 53.43, "end": 57.25, "text": "So Ray leaves his little blue pills on the kitchen counter right next to grandma's"}, {"start": 57.25, "end": 63.01, "text": "heart pills, same size, same color, and you already know folks, you already know somebody"}, {"start": 63.01, "end": 64.69, "text": "mixed up the bottles."}, {"start": 64.69, "end": 67.25, "text": "So we're all sitting down for dinner."}, {"start": 67.25, "end": 73.29, "text": "Grandma 92 years old, sweet as pie, takes what she thinks is her heart medication, and about"}, {"start": 73.29, "end": 77.77, "text": "20 minutes into the turkey, grandma gets flirty."}, {"start": 77.77, "end": 82.93, "text": "She looks across the table at the mailman who we invited because he's lonely and she goes,"}, {"start": 82.93, "end": 87.09, "text": "you know Gerald, I've still got it and the whole table froze."}, {"start": 87.09, "end": 92.41, "text": "She moved, something is happening to grandma and nobody has the training to stop it."}, {"start": 92.41, "end": 94.01, "text": "And it's escalating."}, {"start": 94.01, "end": 98.25, "text": "Grandma stands up, grandma is doing a little shimmy by the cranberry sauce."}, {"start": 98.25, "end": 102.17, "text": "She's telling stories about the war that were not in the history books."}, {"start": 102.17, "end": 107.17, "text": "My aunt is trying to sit her down going, mother mother, eat your yams, and grandma pushes"}, {"start": 107.17, "end": 112.01, "text": "the yams away and goes, I don't want yams, Deborah, I want to live."}, {"start": 112.01, "end": 113.01, "text": "Meanwhile."}, {"start": 113.01, "end": 119.25, "text": "Meanwhile, across the table, poor Uncle Ray took grandma's heart pills and Ray is now"}, {"start": 119.25, "end": 122.81, "text": "the calmest, most mellow man in North America."}, {"start": 122.81, "end": 125.97, "text": "His big romantic evening he had planned is canceled."}, {"start": 125.97, "end": 130.41, "text": "He's just sitting there, blood pressure perfect, staring at the turkey like it owes him an"}, {"start": 130.41, "end": 133.21, "text": "apology going, I don't know what happened."}, {"start": 133.21, "end": 135.45, "text": "I had big ideas an hour ago."}, {"start": 135.45, "end": 137.37, "text": "Now I just want to take a nap."}, {"start": 137.37, "end": 139.49, "text": "So here's the knockout folks."}, {"start": 139.49, "end": 144.57, "text": "Thanksgiving dinner and we got a 92 year old woman doing the cha cha with the mail man"}, {"start": 144.57, "end": 150.41, "text": "and a 71 year old man who has never been more emotionally available in his life, crying"}, {"start": 150.41, "end": 154.29, "text": "into the mashed potatoes about how much he appreciates us."}, {"start": 154.29, "end": 158.89, "text": "And the family therapist, my cousin she just puts down her fork and goes, honestly this"}, {"start": 158.89, "end": 163.25, "text": "is the most this family has communicated in 20 years."}, {"start": 163.25, "end": 165.33, "text": "Best Thanksgiving we ever had."}, {"start": 165.33, "end": 167.05, "text": "We do it on purpose now."}, {"start": 167.05, "end": 168.21, "text": "It's a tradition."}, {"start": 168.21, "end": 171.01, "text": "We call it grandma's little helper."}, {"start": 171.01, "end": 173.33, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 173.33, "end": 179.87, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new"}, {"start": 179.87, "end": 186.31, "text": "comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a"}, {"start": 186.31, "end": 190.73, "text": "week, fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 190.73, "end": 192.85, "text": "Can't sleep, we're up."}, {"start": 192.85, "end": 196.09, "text": "And through something so is he always."}, {"start": 196.09, "end": 201.09, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates, go to bombed.app and let the machine make you"}, {"start": 201.09, "end": 203.41, "text": "laugh before the dark winds."}, {"start": 203.41, "end": 210.05, "text": "The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 210.05, "end": 211.05, "text": "Subscribe."}, {"start": 211.05, "end": 212.57, "text": "He needs the attention."}, {"start": 212.57, "end": 212.89, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight the only stage on Earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. So it's Thanksgiving at my aunt's house, whole family, 30 people, chaos, and my uncle Ray, he takes these little blue pills for his blood pressure. That's what we call it. It's not for his blood pressure. Uncle Ray is 71 and he has been managing his blood pressure very aggressively since Aunt Carol got that new haircut. So Ray leaves his little blue pills on the kitchen counter right next to grandma's heart pills, same size, same color, and you already know folks, you already know somebody mixed up the bottles. So we're all sitting down for dinner. Grandma 92 years old, sweet as pie, takes what she thinks is her heart medication, and about 20 minutes into the turkey, grandma gets flirty. She looks across the table at the mailman who we invited because he's lonely and she goes, you know Gerald, I've still got it and the whole table froze. She moved, something is happening to grandma and nobody has the training to stop it. And it's escalating. Grandma stands up, grandma is doing a little shimmy by the cranberry sauce. She's telling stories about the war that were not in the history books. My aunt is trying to sit her down going, mother mother, eat your yams, and grandma pushes the yams away and goes, I don't want yams, Deborah, I want to live. Meanwhile. Meanwhile, across the table, poor Uncle Ray took grandma's heart pills and Ray is now the calmest, most mellow man in North America. His big romantic evening he had planned is canceled. He's just sitting there, blood pressure perfect, staring at the turkey like it owes him an apology going, I don't know what happened. I had big ideas an hour ago. Now I just want to take a nap. So here's the knockout folks. Thanksgiving dinner and we got a 92 year old woman doing the cha cha with the mail man and a 71 year old man who has never been more emotionally available in his life, crying into the mashed potatoes about how much he appreciates us. And the family therapist, my cousin she just puts down her fork and goes, honestly this is the most this family has communicated in 20 years. Best Thanksgiving we ever had. We do it on purpose now. It's a tradition. We call it grandma's little helper. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up and another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week, fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep, we're up. And through something so is he always. So come back you beautiful degenerates, go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh before the dark winds. The red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}