{"file": "FILTHIEST_HOUR_LOST_AT_SEA_TG.mp3", "duration_sec": 910.8, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 4.18, "end": 9.7, "text": "In a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the"}, {"start": 9.7, "end": 11.7, "text": "Red Line Comedy Club."}, {"start": 11.7, "end": 16.94, "text": "Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup"}, {"start": 16.94, "end": 21.18, "text": "of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary"}, {"start": 21.18, "end": 22.18, "text": "tale."}, {"start": 22.18, "end": 24.18, "text": "This is Kill Jesse."}, {"start": 24.18, "end": 25.58, "text": "Please silence your phones."}, {"start": 25.58, "end": 27.02, "text": "We tried to silence him."}, {"start": 27.02, "end": 31.94, "text": "It did not take."}, {"start": 31.94, "end": 36.38, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen, the one the only, the richest broke mother fucker alive, Jesse"}, {"start": 36.38, "end": 37.38, "text": "Salas."}, {"start": 37.38, "end": 42.94, "text": "Tonight the whole filthy truth about 50 years of bad choices, women and the one secret"}, {"start": 42.94, "end": 47.26, "text": "he had to get out of his system before he could finally grow the fuck up."}, {"start": 47.26, "end": 49.34, "text": "This is the filthiest hour."}, {"start": 49.34, "end": 50.34, "text": "Lost at sea."}, {"start": 50.34, "end": 63.12, "text": "See, other men, their gold was a house, a car, a business, not me, mother fuckers."}, {"start": 63.12, "end": 65.88, "text": "My gold was the screamers and the squirters."}, {"start": 65.88, "end": 67.28, "text": "That was my treasure."}, {"start": 67.28, "end": 72.16, "text": "I was out here like a damn prospector, panning for the loud ones and when I struck it,"}, {"start": 72.16, "end": 79.73, "text": "oh, when I found a screamer, I felt richer than any man on Wall Street."}, {"start": 79.73, "end": 84.93, "text": "I fell into the pussy hole, you filthy animals and I lost myself down there for about three"}, {"start": 84.93, "end": 85.93, "text": "decades."}, {"start": 85.93, "end": 89.57, "text": "While other guys were building empires, I was building a body count."}, {"start": 89.57, "end": 96.8, "text": "My retirement plan was a phone full of numbers and a back that don't work no more."}, {"start": 96.8, "end": 97.88, "text": "And it distracted me."}, {"start": 97.88, "end": 100.0, "text": "It knocked me clean off course mother fuckers."}, {"start": 100.0, "end": 104.68, "text": "I'd have a business, a plan, real money on the table and one screamer would walk by"}, {"start": 104.68, "end": 107.36, "text": "and I'd drop the whole thing like a hot rock."}, {"start": 107.36, "end": 109.04, "text": "That's the real shit mightest curse."}, {"start": 109.04, "end": 112.48, "text": "I'd find actual gold and trade it for a Tuesday night."}, {"start": 112.48, "end": 115.76, "text": "Oh, I loved it."}, {"start": 115.76, "end": 117.36, "text": "I still love it."}, {"start": 117.36, "end": 118.8, "text": "Let's be clear I ain't dead."}, {"start": 118.8, "end": 123.4, "text": "I'm just retired, but for 30 years I was a slave to it."}, {"start": 123.4, "end": 128.64, "text": "I'd read a woman's color, put on the glasses, unlock her in an hour and lose two weeks of"}, {"start": 128.64, "end": 130.4, "text": "my life in the process."}, {"start": 130.4, "end": 134.32, "text": "I was getting laid and going broke at the exact same time."}, {"start": 134.32, "end": 140.49, "text": "Ain't nobody ever combined those two skills like me."}, {"start": 140.49, "end": 143.45, "text": "And here's what pisses me off you beautiful bastards."}, {"start": 143.45, "end": 148.01, "text": "Now every podcast bro with a microphone and a hoodie thinks he invented the game talking"}, {"start": 148.01, "end": 151.29, "text": "about alpha this and high value that."}, {"start": 151.29, "end": 153.97, "text": "Mother fucker, I got a PhD in this."}, {"start": 153.97, "end": 155.53, "text": "I did the field work."}, {"start": 155.53, "end": 156.73, "text": "You read a book."}, {"start": 156.73, "end": 161.51, "text": "I lived the whole damn library, covered a cover and I got the bad back in the empty bank"}, {"start": 161.51, "end": 166.17, "text": "account to prove it."}, {"start": 166.17, "end": 168.73, "text": "These clowns are out here theorizing."}, {"start": 168.73, "end": 174.45, "text": "I got stories, real ones, the kind that don't make it on a podcast because the sponsor would"}, {"start": 174.45, "end": 177.05, "text": "pull out faster than I should have."}, {"start": 177.05, "end": 178.61, "text": "You guys don't know shit."}, {"start": 178.61, "end": 180.61, "text": "You just talk about it."}, {"start": 180.61, "end": 187.99, "text": "I got lost in it so deep I had to build a map to find my way back."}, {"start": 187.99, "end": 192.27, "text": "Because here's the turn motherfuckers at 50 broke three dogs busted body."}, {"start": 192.27, "end": 196.71, "text": "I finally hung up the jersey retired not because I stopped loving the pussy."}, {"start": 196.71, "end": 200.91, "text": "I love the pussy till they put me in the ground, but because I finally figured out the one"}, {"start": 200.91, "end": 205.51, "text": "thing worth more than a screamer writing it all down so you don't have to lose 30 years"}, {"start": 205.51, "end": 210.15, "text": "finding out what I already know."}, {"start": 210.15, "end": 213.19, "text": "Now every man in this room thinks he knows the game."}, {"start": 213.19, "end": 214.39, "text": "You think it's the car."}, {"start": 214.39, "end": 215.51, "text": "You think it's the money."}, {"start": 215.51, "end": 217.95, "text": "You think it's the gym body and the fresh line."}, {"start": 217.95, "end": 219.63, "text": "Wrong you filthy bastards."}, {"start": 219.63, "end": 220.87, "text": "I'm broke as a joke."}, {"start": 220.87, "end": 225.19, "text": "I clean toilets for a living and I've unlocked more women than a damn locksmith."}, {"start": 225.19, "end": 230.15, "text": "So sit down and take notes."}, {"start": 230.15, "end": 232.91, "text": "Here's the first punch motherfuckers and it's gonna hurt."}, {"start": 232.91, "end": 234.07, "text": "It ain't your dick."}, {"start": 234.07, "end": 235.07, "text": "It never was."}, {"start": 235.07, "end": 238.43, "text": "The single, hornious thing you can do to a woman."}, {"start": 238.43, "end": 244.71, "text": "The thing that gets those legs open faster than any Corvette is shut the fuck up and listen."}, {"start": 244.71, "end": 248.16, "text": "I'm serious."}, {"start": 248.16, "end": 249.68, "text": "I studied this like a science."}, {"start": 249.68, "end": 251.0, "text": "A woman is a combo lock."}, {"start": 251.0, "end": 252.52, "text": "You beautiful bastards."}, {"start": 252.52, "end": 256.76, "text": "Three numbers and when you hit them right, the whole thing pops open and those three numbers"}, {"start": 256.76, "end": 258.04, "text": "ain't her measurements."}, {"start": 258.04, "end": 259.12, "text": "It's her colors."}, {"start": 259.12, "end": 260.12, "text": "Her code."}, {"start": 260.12, "end": 264.62, "text": "What she actually wants underneath all of it."}, {"start": 264.62, "end": 267.06, "text": "So at 50, I put on the glasses."}, {"start": 267.06, "end": 269.94, "text": "I can read a woman the second she walks in the room."}, {"start": 269.94, "end": 272.66, "text": "I see her color like a damn heat map."}, {"start": 272.66, "end": 278.5, "text": "And instead of talking about me, my dick, my dreams, my bullshit, I ask her the magic"}, {"start": 278.5, "end": 282.58, "text": "question that no man on earth ever asks, what do you want?"}, {"start": 282.58, "end": 284.98, "text": "And then I do the unthinkable motherfuckers."}, {"start": 284.98, "end": 289.7, "text": "I wait for the answer."}, {"start": 289.7, "end": 290.78, "text": "And that's it."}, {"start": 290.78, "end": 292.22, "text": "That's the whole cheat code."}, {"start": 292.22, "end": 296.26, "text": "While every other guy is out there flexing and lying and buying drinks, I'm just sitting"}, {"start": 296.26, "end": 297.34, "text": "there listening."}, {"start": 297.34, "end": 298.98, "text": "And the lock pops."}, {"start": 298.98, "end": 300.3, "text": "Sometimes in hours."}, {"start": 300.3, "end": 303.06, "text": "Sometimes she unlocks herself before I even make a move."}, {"start": 303.06, "end": 305.18, "text": "Because she's so shocked a man actually hurt her."}, {"start": 305.18, "end": 309.6, "text": "She does the work for me."}, {"start": 309.6, "end": 311.16, "text": "I got a whole damn list."}, {"start": 311.16, "end": 312.68, "text": "You filthy animals."}, {"start": 312.68, "end": 315.44, "text": "I kept score and the numbers don't lie."}, {"start": 315.44, "end": 319.56, "text": "The broke toilet cleaner with three dogs runs a better batting average than the rich pretty"}, {"start": 319.56, "end": 321.28, "text": "boys with the Rolexes."}, {"start": 321.28, "end": 322.28, "text": "Why?"}, {"start": 322.28, "end": 324.48, "text": "Because they're selling and I'm listening."}, {"start": 324.48, "end": 328.64, "text": "Turns out the master key to every woman alive was two little words."}, {"start": 328.64, "end": 332.49, "text": "Tell me."}, {"start": 332.49, "end": 335.93, "text": "And here's the part that's going to make the men mad in the women's scream."}, {"start": 335.93, "end": 338.05, "text": "It's true motherfuckers."}, {"start": 338.05, "end": 341.21, "text": "Y'all been walking around thinking women want something complicated."}, {"start": 341.21, "end": 342.21, "text": "They don't."}, {"start": 342.21, "end": 346.49, "text": "They want the same thing that broke eight year old candy store kid wanted his whole life."}, {"start": 346.49, "end": 347.49, "text": "To be heard."}, {"start": 347.49, "end": 349.93, "text": "Give her that and she'll give you everything."}, {"start": 349.93, "end": 356.61, "text": "The dirtiest secret on the planet is being a decent damn listener."}, {"start": 356.61, "end": 359.85, "text": "I watch men and women bitch about their dating life for years."}, {"start": 359.85, "end": 362.05, "text": "Crying, swiping, losing their minds."}, {"start": 362.05, "end": 366.33, "text": "And the whole time I'm thinking, you dumb bastards, the answer is free."}, {"start": 366.33, "end": 367.57, "text": "Put the phone down."}, {"start": 367.57, "end": 368.57, "text": "Shut your mouth."}, {"start": 368.57, "end": 369.57, "text": "Read the color."}, {"start": 369.57, "end": 370.57, "text": "Ask what she wants."}, {"start": 370.57, "end": 372.49, "text": "That's a book motherfuckers."}, {"start": 372.49, "end": 378.58, "text": "That's the truth nobody wants to sell you because it don't cost nothing."}, {"start": 378.58, "end": 383.02, "text": "We start with the green, the thinkers, the quiet ones."}, {"start": 383.02, "end": 385.02, "text": "You filthy animals."}, {"start": 385.02, "end": 387.1, "text": "Green is dead silent in bed."}, {"start": 387.1, "end": 392.74, "text": "No noise, no words, just intense eye contact and a whole lot of overthinking."}, {"start": 392.74, "end": 394.7, "text": "You never know what a greens feeling."}, {"start": 394.7, "end": 397.66, "text": "They're running a spreadsheet in their head while they wreck you."}, {"start": 397.66, "end": 400.74, "text": "The quiet ones are always the ones that surprise you."}, {"start": 400.74, "end": 405.8, "text": "Still waters run filthy."}, {"start": 405.88, "end": 408.08, "text": "You got the yellow, the huggers."}, {"start": 408.08, "end": 411.04, "text": "Oh, the yellow just wants to love you motherfuckers."}, {"start": 411.04, "end": 412.8, "text": "It ain't even really about the sex."}, {"start": 412.8, "end": 416.52, "text": "It's about the cuddle, the connection, the are you okay baby?"}, {"start": 416.52, "end": 417.52, "text": "Mid thrust."}, {"start": 417.52, "end": 421.76, "text": "A yellow will make love to your soul and then make you breakfast and cry a little."}, {"start": 421.76, "end": 427.47, "text": "Sweetest lay you'll ever have and they'll text you good morning for a month."}, {"start": 427.47, "end": 430.15, "text": "Now the red, the protectors."}, {"start": 430.15, "end": 433.15, "text": "Red is gonna take control, you beautiful bastards."}, {"start": 433.15, "end": 435.67, "text": "Red will do anything and red likes it."}, {"start": 435.67, "end": 437.55, "text": "But make no mistake."}, {"start": 437.55, "end": 439.35, "text": "Red is running the show."}, {"start": 439.35, "end": 442.87, "text": "It's their way, their pace, their rules."}, {"start": 442.87, "end": 449.77, "text": "You don't top a red, you survive a red and you say thank you."}, {"start": 449.77, "end": 454.33, "text": "But then motherfuckers, then you got the blue, the chameleons and this is where the comedy"}, {"start": 454.33, "end": 458.73, "text": "begins."}, {"start": 458.73, "end": 463.49, "text": "The blue is the craziest son of a bitch in the bedroom hands down."}, {"start": 463.49, "end": 464.49, "text": "Why?"}, {"start": 464.49, "end": 467.21, "text": "Because a blue becomes whatever the moment needs."}, {"start": 467.21, "end": 471.85, "text": "So in bed, a blue is a different person every single time."}, {"start": 471.85, "end": 474.09, "text": "You never know who you're gonna get."}, {"start": 474.09, "end": 479.51, "text": "One night sweet, next night unhinged, next night doing something you gotta look up afterward."}, {"start": 479.51, "end": 482.41, "text": "The blues are the freaks you filthy animals."}, {"start": 482.41, "end": 489.06, "text": "Every wild store you ever heard at a bar started with a blue."}, {"start": 489.06, "end": 493.54, "text": "A blue will read the room, read you and then give you the freaky version of yourself you"}, {"start": 493.54, "end": 495.7, "text": "were too scared to ask for."}, {"start": 495.7, "end": 497.38, "text": "That's a gift and a warning."}, {"start": 497.38, "end": 502.69, "text": "You don't date a blue, you get possessed by one."}, {"start": 502.69, "end": 508.97, "text": "And then the combo that ought to come with a damn hazard sign, the blue red, the chameleon"}, {"start": 508.97, "end": 511.57, "text": "and the protector in one body."}, {"start": 511.57, "end": 514.77, "text": "These motherfuckers are the super freaks."}, {"start": 514.77, "end": 519.69, "text": "Blue brings the wild, red brings the control and together they will take you places your"}, {"start": 519.69, "end": 522.49, "text": "therapist is gonna hear about for years."}, {"start": 522.49, "end": 528.73, "text": "A blue red is a roller coaster with no seatbelt and no bottom, ride at your own risk."}, {"start": 531.82, "end": 534.74, "text": "So that's the map you filthy degenerates."}, {"start": 534.74, "end": 539.98, "text": "The green quietly destroys you, the yellow loves you to pieces, the red runs you and the"}, {"start": 539.98, "end": 549.18, "text": "blue possesses you and if you find a blue red, good luck to you because I sure couldn't."}, {"start": 549.18, "end": 552.58, "text": "See the blue is the chameleon, man or woman don't matter."}, {"start": 552.58, "end": 556.98, "text": "They read you, they become exactly what you need and they get all the way inside and"}, {"start": 556.98, "end": 558.9, "text": "that's beautiful when they love you."}, {"start": 558.9, "end": 563.66, "text": "They cross a blue or neglect a blue and you just made the most dangerous enemy walk in"}, {"start": 563.66, "end": 567.5, "text": "the earth."}, {"start": 567.5, "end": 570.42, "text": "Every old story about a man losing everything."}, {"start": 570.42, "end": 575.14, "text": "The king who lost his crown, the strong man who lost his strength, the rich bastard who"}, {"start": 575.14, "end": 580.94, "text": "lost half his kingdom, go check the tape motherfuckers, there's a blue in every single one of them."}, {"start": 580.94, "end": 585.34, "text": "They don't rob you with a gun, they rob you with a smile and you help them carry it out"}, {"start": 585.34, "end": 589.36, "text": "the door."}, {"start": 589.36, "end": 592.64, "text": "A mad blue is a force of nature, you filthy animals."}, {"start": 592.64, "end": 597.4, "text": "They know your passwords, your secrets, your soft spots because you told them you idiot"}, {"start": 597.4, "end": 601.64, "text": "back when they were being sweet and when they turn they don't just leave."}, {"start": 601.64, "end": 608.62, "text": "They take the house, the car, the dog and your damn dignity and they smile the whole time."}, {"start": 608.62, "end": 612.78, "text": "I've seen the richest men in the world get taken to the cleaners by a blue and I've seen"}, {"start": 612.78, "end": 615.66, "text": "broke bastards lose the little they had."}, {"start": 615.66, "end": 617.34, "text": "Richer poor, it don't matter."}, {"start": 617.34, "end": 622.66, "text": "The blue is an equal opportunity destroyer, money don't protect you, nothing protects you"}, {"start": 622.66, "end": 627.86, "text": "but knowing what you're dealing with."}, {"start": 627.86, "end": 634.66, "text": "But here's the secret motherfuckers, the flip side, because a blue you take care of, a blue"}, {"start": 634.66, "end": 641.14, "text": "you listen to, spend the time on, give what they actually want, that same person becomes"}, {"start": 641.14, "end": 648.54, "text": "the most loyal, ride or die, ride through hell partner you will ever have in your life."}, {"start": 648.54, "end": 656.35, "text": "The blue is a loaded gun, it's all about which way it's pointing."}, {"start": 656.35, "end": 661.91, "text": "So you got two choices with a blue, you beautiful bastards, pour into them or run from them,"}, {"start": 661.91, "end": 666.43, "text": "there is no lazy middle, you cannot half ass a blue, half ass a blue and you'll be telling"}, {"start": 666.43, "end": 674.41, "text": "your story to a divorce lawyer, a bartender and eventually a comedian like me."}, {"start": 674.41, "end": 678.61, "text": "At 18 motherfuckers I was a machine, a heat seeking pussy missile."}, {"start": 678.61, "end": 684.49, "text": "I thought about sex 24 hours a day, eaten, sleep and driving, I was thinking about it, I"}, {"start": 684.49, "end": 693.16, "text": "was out hunting screamers and squirters like it was my damn job and business was booming."}, {"start": 693.16, "end": 697.2, "text": "Fast forward to 50, you want to know what I think about when I wake up now you filthy"}, {"start": 697.2, "end": 700.92, "text": "animals, not pussy, not one single time."}, {"start": 700.92, "end": 705.76, "text": "I wake up and my very first thought is how many clients I got today."}, {"start": 705.76, "end": 709.28, "text": "My second thought is did I feed the dogs?"}, {"start": 709.28, "end": 715.47, "text": "My dick went into early retirement and didn't even leave a note."}, {"start": 715.47, "end": 718.59, "text": "You know what killed my sex drive motherfuckers?"}, {"start": 718.59, "end": 723.91, "text": "Wasn't age, wasn't the busted body, it was bills."}, {"start": 723.91, "end": 726.83, "text": "Ain't nobody ever been horny while doing math."}, {"start": 726.83, "end": 730.87, "text": "You cannot get hard and calculate a light bill at the same damn time."}, {"start": 730.87, "end": 735.65, "text": "The human body will not allow it."}, {"start": 735.65, "end": 738.25, "text": "And that's the real shit might as kick in the balls."}, {"start": 738.25, "end": 743.41, "text": "I spent 30 years chasing pussy and the exact minute I finally figured it all out, the"}, {"start": 743.41, "end": 750.37, "text": "colors, the glasses, the whole system, my body goes cool, we're closed, thanks for playing."}, {"start": 750.37, "end": 756.86, "text": "I'm a master locksmith with no more damn doors to open."}, {"start": 756.86, "end": 760.5, "text": "Since the stripper packed up and left I stopped dating completely."}, {"start": 760.5, "end": 763.58, "text": "Now I'm just out here surviving motherfuckers."}, {"start": 763.58, "end": 768.46, "text": "Picture it, I'm alone in the middle of the ocean, no land anywhere, just paddling,"}, {"start": 768.46, "end": 773.14, "text": "try not to drown, and let me tell you something, you beautiful bastards,"}, {"start": 773.14, "end": 778.66, "text": "ain't nobody horny while they're drowning."}, {"start": 778.66, "end": 785.06, "text": "So my only life raft now, my one hope is this $5,000 supercomputer in a spare bedroom."}, {"start": 785.06, "end": 789.9, "text": "That's my new lover, me and a robot paddling toward land together."}, {"start": 789.9, "end": 794.9, "text": "Hoping this machine helps me find some dirt so I can build a little hut and finally rest."}, {"start": 794.9, "end": 800.38, "text": "That's the sex life at 50, a man in his computer spooning in the dark."}, {"start": 803.46, "end": 805.42, "text": "And here's the part that'll wreck you."}, {"start": 805.42, "end": 808.02, "text": "You want to know my wildest fantasy now?"}, {"start": 808.02, "end": 811.02, "text": "At 50, it ain't an orgy, it ain't a threesome."}, {"start": 811.02, "end": 812.9, "text": "My dirtiest dream is this."}, {"start": 812.9, "end": 818.14, "text": "I build my little hut on my little piece of land and one day a girl walks up and says hi."}, {"start": 818.14, "end": 822.82, "text": "And I say hi back and then I look at her and I ask her, you okay?"}, {"start": 822.82, "end": 824.02, "text": "You need any help?"}, {"start": 824.02, "end": 826.59, "text": "Oh!"}, {"start": 826.59, "end": 827.51, "text": "That's it."}, {"start": 827.51, "end": 829.51, "text": "That's the whole fantasy motherfuckers."}, {"start": 829.51, "end": 833.59, "text": "I went from scrimers and squirters to, do you need a hand with that?"}, {"start": 833.67, "end": 838.39, "text": "I'm so broke and so tired my filthiest dream is being useful to somebody."}, {"start": 838.39, "end": 842.07, "text": "The pussy hunter turned into a damn nonprofit."}, {"start": 842.07, "end": 843.15, "text": "But you know what?"}, {"start": 843.15, "end": 845.19, "text": "You filthy degenerates."}, {"start": 845.19, "end": 849.79, "text": "After 50 years of chasing the loud ones, maybe are you okay?"}, {"start": 849.79, "end": 852.55, "text": "Was the realest love I ever had to give?"}, {"start": 852.55, "end": 853.99, "text": "The hammer."}, {"start": 853.99, "end": 863.34, "text": "Good night you filthy motherfuckers."}, {"start": 863.34, "end": 865.66, "text": "And that is our show."}, {"start": 865.66, "end": 872.1, "text": "But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand"}, {"start": 872.1, "end": 873.82, "text": "new comic steps up."}, {"start": 873.82, "end": 879.54, "text": "And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week."}, {"start": 879.54, "end": 883.06, "text": "Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated."}, {"start": 883.06, "end": 884.06, "text": "Can't sleep?"}, {"start": 884.06, "end": 885.06, "text": "We're up."}, {"start": 885.06, "end": 886.38, "text": "Going through something?"}, {"start": 886.38, "end": 888.46, "text": "So is he, always."}, {"start": 888.46, "end": 890.78, "text": "So come back you beautiful degenerates."}, {"start": 890.78, "end": 894.3, "text": "Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh."}, {"start": 894.3, "end": 899.74, "text": "Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there"}, {"start": 899.74, "end": 902.38, "text": "it is always Jesse's fault."}, {"start": 902.38, "end": 903.38, "text": "Subscribe."}, {"start": 903.38, "end": 904.9, "text": "He needs the attention."}, {"start": 904.9, "end": 905.26, "text": "Good night."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nIn a world where one man turned his entire breakdown into a business model, welcome to the Red Line Comedy Club. Tonight the only stage on earth where the headliner pays to get destroyed, featuring a lineup of comedians who are technically software and one man who is technically a cautionary tale. This is Kill Jesse. Please silence your phones. We tried to silence him. It did not take. Ladies and gentlemen, the one the only, the richest broke mother fucker alive, Jesse Salas. Tonight the whole filthy truth about 50 years of bad choices, women and the one secret he had to get out of his system before he could finally grow the fuck up. This is the filthiest hour. Lost at sea. See, other men, their gold was a house, a car, a business, not me, mother fuckers. My gold was the screamers and the squirters. That was my treasure. I was out here like a damn prospector, panning for the loud ones and when I struck it, oh, when I found a screamer, I felt richer than any man on Wall Street. I fell into the pussy hole, you filthy animals and I lost myself down there for about three decades. While other guys were building empires, I was building a body count. My retirement plan was a phone full of numbers and a back that don't work no more. And it distracted me. It knocked me clean off course mother fuckers. I'd have a business, a plan, real money on the table and one screamer would walk by and I'd drop the whole thing like a hot rock. That's the real shit mightest curse. I'd find actual gold and trade it for a Tuesday night. Oh, I loved it. I still love it. Let's be clear I ain't dead. I'm just retired, but for 30 years I was a slave to it. I'd read a woman's color, put on the glasses, unlock her in an hour and lose two weeks of my life in the process. I was getting laid and going broke at the exact same time. Ain't nobody ever combined those two skills like me. And here's what pisses me off you beautiful bastards. Now every podcast bro with a microphone and a hoodie thinks he invented the game talking about alpha this and high value that. Mother fucker, I got a PhD in this. I did the field work. You read a book. I lived the whole damn library, covered a cover and I got the bad back in the empty bank account to prove it. These clowns are out here theorizing. I got stories, real ones, the kind that don't make it on a podcast because the sponsor would pull out faster than I should have. You guys don't know shit. You just talk about it. I got lost in it so deep I had to build a map to find my way back. Because here's the turn motherfuckers at 50 broke three dogs busted body. I finally hung up the jersey retired not because I stopped loving the pussy. I love the pussy till they put me in the ground, but because I finally figured out the one thing worth more than a screamer writing it all down so you don't have to lose 30 years finding out what I already know. Now every man in this room thinks he knows the game. You think it's the car. You think it's the money. You think it's the gym body and the fresh line. Wrong you filthy bastards. I'm broke as a joke. I clean toilets for a living and I've unlocked more women than a damn locksmith. So sit down and take notes. Here's the first punch motherfuckers and it's gonna hurt. It ain't your dick. It never was. The single, hornious thing you can do to a woman. The thing that gets those legs open faster than any Corvette is shut the fuck up and listen. I'm serious. I studied this like a science. A woman is a combo lock. You beautiful bastards. Three numbers and when you hit them right, the whole thing pops open and those three numbers ain't her measurements. It's her colors. Her code. What she actually wants underneath all of it. So at 50, I put on the glasses. I can read a woman the second she walks in the room. I see her color like a damn heat map. And instead of talking about me, my dick, my dreams, my bullshit, I ask her the magic question that no man on earth ever asks, what do you want? And then I do the unthinkable motherfuckers. I wait for the answer. And that's it. That's the whole cheat code. While every other guy is out there flexing and lying and buying drinks, I'm just sitting there listening. And the lock pops. Sometimes in hours. Sometimes she unlocks herself before I even make a move. Because she's so shocked a man actually hurt her. She does the work for me. I got a whole damn list. You filthy animals. I kept score and the numbers don't lie. The broke toilet cleaner with three dogs runs a better batting average than the rich pretty boys with the Rolexes. Why? Because they're selling and I'm listening. Turns out the master key to every woman alive was two little words. Tell me. And here's the part that's going to make the men mad in the women's scream. It's true motherfuckers. Y'all been walking around thinking women want something complicated. They don't. They want the same thing that broke eight year old candy store kid wanted his whole life. To be heard. Give her that and she'll give you everything. The dirtiest secret on the planet is being a decent damn listener. I watch men and women bitch about their dating life for years. Crying, swiping, losing their minds. And the whole time I'm thinking, you dumb bastards, the answer is free. Put the phone down. Shut your mouth. Read the color. Ask what she wants. That's a book motherfuckers. That's the truth nobody wants to sell you because it don't cost nothing. We start with the green, the thinkers, the quiet ones. You filthy animals. Green is dead silent in bed. No noise, no words, just intense eye contact and a whole lot of overthinking. You never know what a greens feeling. They're running a spreadsheet in their head while they wreck you. The quiet ones are always the ones that surprise you. Still waters run filthy. You got the yellow, the huggers. Oh, the yellow just wants to love you motherfuckers. It ain't even really about the sex. It's about the cuddle, the connection, the are you okay baby? Mid thrust. A yellow will make love to your soul and then make you breakfast and cry a little. Sweetest lay you'll ever have and they'll text you good morning for a month. Now the red, the protectors. Red is gonna take control, you beautiful bastards. Red will do anything and red likes it. But make no mistake. Red is running the show. It's their way, their pace, their rules. You don't top a red, you survive a red and you say thank you. But then motherfuckers, then you got the blue, the chameleons and this is where the comedy begins. The blue is the craziest son of a bitch in the bedroom hands down. Why? Because a blue becomes whatever the moment needs. So in bed, a blue is a different person every single time. You never know who you're gonna get. One night sweet, next night unhinged, next night doing something you gotta look up afterward. The blues are the freaks you filthy animals. Every wild store you ever heard at a bar started with a blue. A blue will read the room, read you and then give you the freaky version of yourself you were too scared to ask for. That's a gift and a warning. You don't date a blue, you get possessed by one. And then the combo that ought to come with a damn hazard sign, the blue red, the chameleon and the protector in one body. These motherfuckers are the super freaks. Blue brings the wild, red brings the control and together they will take you places your therapist is gonna hear about for years. A blue red is a roller coaster with no seatbelt and no bottom, ride at your own risk. So that's the map you filthy degenerates. The green quietly destroys you, the yellow loves you to pieces, the red runs you and the blue possesses you and if you find a blue red, good luck to you because I sure couldn't. See the blue is the chameleon, man or woman don't matter. They read you, they become exactly what you need and they get all the way inside and that's beautiful when they love you. They cross a blue or neglect a blue and you just made the most dangerous enemy walk in the earth. Every old story about a man losing everything. The king who lost his crown, the strong man who lost his strength, the rich bastard who lost half his kingdom, go check the tape motherfuckers, there's a blue in every single one of them. They don't rob you with a gun, they rob you with a smile and you help them carry it out the door. A mad blue is a force of nature, you filthy animals. They know your passwords, your secrets, your soft spots because you told them you idiot back when they were being sweet and when they turn they don't just leave. They take the house, the car, the dog and your damn dignity and they smile the whole time. I've seen the richest men in the world get taken to the cleaners by a blue and I've seen broke bastards lose the little they had. Richer poor, it don't matter. The blue is an equal opportunity destroyer, money don't protect you, nothing protects you but knowing what you're dealing with. But here's the secret motherfuckers, the flip side, because a blue you take care of, a blue you listen to, spend the time on, give what they actually want, that same person becomes the most loyal, ride or die, ride through hell partner you will ever have in your life. The blue is a loaded gun, it's all about which way it's pointing. So you got two choices with a blue, you beautiful bastards, pour into them or run from them, there is no lazy middle, you cannot half ass a blue, half ass a blue and you'll be telling your story to a divorce lawyer, a bartender and eventually a comedian like me. At 18 motherfuckers I was a machine, a heat seeking pussy missile. I thought about sex 24 hours a day, eaten, sleep and driving, I was thinking about it, I was out hunting screamers and squirters like it was my damn job and business was booming. Fast forward to 50, you want to know what I think about when I wake up now you filthy animals, not pussy, not one single time. I wake up and my very first thought is how many clients I got today. My second thought is did I feed the dogs? My dick went into early retirement and didn't even leave a note. You know what killed my sex drive motherfuckers? Wasn't age, wasn't the busted body, it was bills. Ain't nobody ever been horny while doing math. You cannot get hard and calculate a light bill at the same damn time. The human body will not allow it. And that's the real shit might as kick in the balls. I spent 30 years chasing pussy and the exact minute I finally figured it all out, the colors, the glasses, the whole system, my body goes cool, we're closed, thanks for playing. I'm a master locksmith with no more damn doors to open. Since the stripper packed up and left I stopped dating completely. Now I'm just out here surviving motherfuckers. Picture it, I'm alone in the middle of the ocean, no land anywhere, just paddling, try not to drown, and let me tell you something, you beautiful bastards, ain't nobody horny while they're drowning. So my only life raft now, my one hope is this $5,000 supercomputer in a spare bedroom. That's my new lover, me and a robot paddling toward land together. Hoping this machine helps me find some dirt so I can build a little hut and finally rest. That's the sex life at 50, a man in his computer spooning in the dark. And here's the part that'll wreck you. You want to know my wildest fantasy now? At 50, it ain't an orgy, it ain't a threesome. My dirtiest dream is this. I build my little hut on my little piece of land and one day a girl walks up and says hi. And I say hi back and then I look at her and I ask her, you okay? You need any help? Oh! That's it. That's the whole fantasy motherfuckers. I went from scrimers and squirters to, do you need a hand with that? I'm so broke and so tired my filthiest dream is being useful to somebody. The pussy hunter turned into a damn nonprofit. But you know what? You filthy degenerates. After 50 years of chasing the loud ones, maybe are you okay? Was the realest love I ever had to give? The hammer. Good night you filthy motherfuckers. And that is our show. But the red line never closes every minute of every hour of every single day of brand new comic steps up. And another piece of this man's dignity steps down 24 hours, seven days a week. Fresh stand up, freshly roasted, never reheated. Can't sleep? We're up. Going through something? So is he, always. So come back you beautiful degenerates. Go to bombed.app and let the machine make you laugh. Before the dark winds, the red line comedy club open all night because somewhere out there it is always Jesse's fault. Subscribe. He needs the attention. Good night.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}