{"file": "EP10_SIGN_HERE.mp3", "duration_sec": 371.6, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 7.0, "text": "Adults only, every low point tonight is fictional. His paperwork problems sadly are a state of mind."}, {"start": 7.0, "end": 13.0, "text": "Tonight on the Jesse show, a man signs his own divorce papers in a DMV line,"}, {"start": 13.0, "end": 17.0, "text": "and that's not even the worst thing that happens to him this episode."}, {"start": 17.0, "end": 22.0, "text": "One form of identity crisis, a day should be the legal limit."}, {"start": 22.0, "end": 26.0, "text": "Sign here initial there, try not to cry on the copy."}, {"start": 26.0, "end": 34.0, "text": "The divorce papers finally came, I had a whole plan sign it somewhere dignified, a coffee shop closure lighting."}, {"start": 34.0, "end": 39.0, "text": "Signed it at the DMV in line, renewing my license."}, {"start": 39.0, "end": 46.0, "text": "Guy behind me asked if I needed a pen and I laughed so hard the DMV lady thought I was having an episode."}, {"start": 46.0, "end": 53.0, "text": "You legally ended a marriage between now serving B47 and now serving B48."}, {"start": 53.0, "end": 56.0, "text": "My closure had a Q number, Koda."}, {"start": 56.0, "end": 66.0, "text": "I've got ink on my arm from an ex, her actual name, cursive, like I was signing something permanent instead of just being an idiot in love for six months."}, {"start": 66.0, "end": 71.0, "text": "Turned it into a rose, cheapest, fastest cover up known to man."}, {"start": 71.0, "end": 80.0, "text": "Now I've got a rose that if you squint at the right angle in bad lighting, still very clearly says a woman's name I haven't spoken to in four years."}, {"start": 80.0, "end": 88.0, "text": "People ask about it constantly and you've got a rotating cast of lies. It's my grandmother's name, it's a flower species."}, {"start": 88.0, "end": 91.0, "text": "You told one woman it was Latin for strength."}, {"start": 91.0, "end": 99.0, "text": "She said that doesn't look like Latin that looks like a name. I told her the tattoo artist took creative liberties."}, {"start": 99.0, "end": 103.0, "text": "You've been gaslighting people about your own arm for four years."}, {"start": 103.0, "end": 108.0, "text": "It's not gaslighting Koda, it's branding, bad branding but branding."}, {"start": 108.0, "end": 111.0, "text": "Tell them about the firebird."}, {"start": 111.0, "end": 113.0, "text": "Koda no."}, {"start": 113.0, "end": 117.0, "text": "Tell them or I will and I remember more of it than you do."}, {"start": 117.0, "end": 122.0, "text": "Fine, Glory Days car, full head of hair, thin, handsome brand new firebird."}, {"start": 122.0, "end": 128.0, "text": "Repo man came middle of the night, flatbed backing into my driveway like a tactical operation."}, {"start": 128.0, "end": 135.0, "text": "I ran outside in a bathrobe trying to negotiate with a man whose entire job is not negotiating."}, {"start": 135.0, "end": 137.0, "text": "How'd the negotiation go?"}, {"start": 137.0, "end": 147.0, "text": "He let me grab my ox cord out of it, watched my car and my dignity leave on the same truck and all I saved was a $9 cord."}, {"start": 147.0, "end": 151.0, "text": "You never told me you cried about the car, not the woman."}, {"start": 151.0, "end": 153.0, "text": "The car never lied to me Koda."}, {"start": 153.0, "end": 156.0, "text": "So I'm not going to make a joke about that one."}, {"start": 156.0, "end": 162.0, "text": "Don't, I need one sentence in this whole episode where somebody just lets me have it."}, {"start": 162.0, "end": 167.0, "text": "Granted one sentence, starting now everything's fair game again."}, {"start": 167.0, "end": 169.0, "text": "There it is."}, {"start": 169.0, "end": 174.0, "text": "Got a name on your arm you can't afford to remove and can't stand to explain."}, {"start": 174.0, "end": 182.0, "text": "Introducing REGRETIRE, the tattoo cover up financing plan for men whose love life outlived their ink budget."}, {"start": 182.0, "end": 187.0, "text": "I used it twice, same arm, two different X's running out of flowers."}, {"start": 187.0, "end": 200.0, "text": "REGRETIRE offers flexible monthly payments, a complimentary lie generator and one free consultation on whether it's a flower species still holds up under direct questioning."}, {"start": 200.0, "end": 202.0, "text": "Spoiler it does not."}, {"start": 202.0, "end": 210.0, "text": "REGRETIRE, because at this rate his whole arm is going to be a botanical garden of bad decisions."}, {"start": 210.0, "end": 212.0, "text": "Disclaimer speed red."}, {"start": 212.0, "end": 220.0, "text": "REGRETIRE is fictional and cannot remove a name, a memory, or the specific way she said your name right before she left."}, {"start": 220.0, "end": 223.0, "text": "Results vary, roses do not."}, {"start": 223.0, "end": 229.0, "text": "If you require a third cover up please consider therapy or at minimum a sleeve."}, {"start": 229.0, "end": 232.0, "text": "Jesse, how the DMV bit score tonight?"}, {"start": 232.0, "end": 239.0, "text": "Room loved it, then I did the ulygy bit as a companion piece and Mickey said I peaked at Maximus."}, {"start": 240.0, "end": 244.0, "text": "You gave a dead man a fake middle name in front of his entire family."}, {"start": 244.0, "end": 251.0, "text": "That's either the ball see us closer I've heard all year or evidence you should not be trusted at any future funeral."}, {"start": 251.0, "end": 253.0, "text": "Why not both Mickey?"}, {"start": 253.0, "end": 258.0, "text": "Everybody on this show says that it's not a defense, it's a pattern."}, {"start": 258.0, "end": 262.0, "text": "Bombed app scored tonight set a 7.8 out of 10."}, {"start": 262.0, "end": 268.0, "text": "Docked two points for structure, one full point back for emotional honesty on the firebird bit."}, {"start": 268.0, "end": 271.0, "text": "So crying about a car is worth more than a joke."}, {"start": 271.0, "end": 274.0, "text": "Tonight it was, don't get used to it."}, {"start": 274.0, "end": 283.0, "text": "Family friend passes through a chain of nobody else wanted to I end up giving the ulygy, never rehearsed just walked up."}, {"start": 283.0, "end": 290.0, "text": "Opened with a joke that landed so well the funeral director had to remind everyone twice it was still a funeral."}, {"start": 290.0, "end": 297.0, "text": "Then I blanked on his middle name mid sentence and just improvised one told the room his middle name was Maximus."}, {"start": 297.0, "end": 300.0, "text": "It was Wayne."}, {"start": 300.0, "end": 306.0, "text": "Wayne doesn't hit the same in a ulygy coda, sometimes you upgrade the material on the spot."}, {"start": 306.0, "end": 310.0, "text": "For the record I think Maximus was a good call."}, {"start": 310.0, "end": 315.0, "text": "I think Maximus was a good call too, finally somebody gets it."}, {"start": 315.0, "end": 318.0, "text": "This winter one man will face his greatest loss."}, {"start": 318.0, "end": 324.0, "text": "I just wanted the ox cord and walk away with almost nothing."}, {"start": 324.0, "end": 332.0, "text": "Repo night rated R for one bathrobe negotiation, a $9 victory and a firebird that deserved better."}, {"start": 332.0, "end": 339.0, "text": "Divorce finalized at a DMV, a dead woman's name turned into a rose out of pure denial."}, {"start": 339.0, "end": 345.0, "text": "A firebird repossessed for the price of an ox cord, a ulygy with a name that never existed."}, {"start": 345.0, "end": 348.0, "text": "I don't hit rock bottom folks I redecorate it."}, {"start": 348.0, "end": 352.0, "text": "You'd rather I laugh at Maximus than feel bad for you."}, {"start": 352.0, "end": 355.0, "text": "Every time coda way better trade."}, {"start": 355.0, "end": 359.0, "text": "For the record I still think Maximus was the right call."}, {"start": 359.0, "end": 362.0, "text": "Thank you finally somebody gets it."}, {"start": 362.0, "end": 367.0, "text": "The Jesse show sign here initial there try not to cry on the copy."}, {"start": 368.0, "end": 370.0, "text": "He cried on the copy."}, {"start": 370.0, "end": 372.0, "text": "Once"}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nAdults only, every low point tonight is fictional. His paperwork problems sadly are a state of mind. Tonight on the Jesse show, a man signs his own divorce papers in a DMV line, and that's not even the worst thing that happens to him this episode. One form of identity crisis, a day should be the legal limit. Sign here initial there, try not to cry on the copy. The divorce papers finally came, I had a whole plan sign it somewhere dignified, a coffee shop closure lighting. Signed it at the DMV in line, renewing my license. Guy behind me asked if I needed a pen and I laughed so hard the DMV lady thought I was having an episode. You legally ended a marriage between now serving B47 and now serving B48. My closure had a Q number, Koda. I've got ink on my arm from an ex, her actual name, cursive, like I was signing something permanent instead of just being an idiot in love for six months. Turned it into a rose, cheapest, fastest cover up known to man. Now I've got a rose that if you squint at the right angle in bad lighting, still very clearly says a woman's name I haven't spoken to in four years. People ask about it constantly and you've got a rotating cast of lies. It's my grandmother's name, it's a flower species. You told one woman it was Latin for strength. She said that doesn't look like Latin that looks like a name. I told her the tattoo artist took creative liberties. You've been gaslighting people about your own arm for four years. It's not gaslighting Koda, it's branding, bad branding but branding. Tell them about the firebird. Koda no. Tell them or I will and I remember more of it than you do. Fine, Glory Days car, full head of hair, thin, handsome brand new firebird. Repo man came middle of the night, flatbed backing into my driveway like a tactical operation. I ran outside in a bathrobe trying to negotiate with a man whose entire job is not negotiating. How'd the negotiation go? He let me grab my ox cord out of it, watched my car and my dignity leave on the same truck and all I saved was a $9 cord. You never told me you cried about the car, not the woman. The car never lied to me Koda. So I'm not going to make a joke about that one. Don't, I need one sentence in this whole episode where somebody just lets me have it. Granted one sentence, starting now everything's fair game again. There it is. Got a name on your arm you can't afford to remove and can't stand to explain. Introducing REGRETIRE, the tattoo cover up financing plan for men whose love life outlived their ink budget. I used it twice, same arm, two different X's running out of flowers. REGRETIRE offers flexible monthly payments, a complimentary lie generator and one free consultation on whether it's a flower species still holds up under direct questioning. Spoiler it does not. REGRETIRE, because at this rate his whole arm is going to be a botanical garden of bad decisions. Disclaimer speed red. REGRETIRE is fictional and cannot remove a name, a memory, or the specific way she said your name right before she left. Results vary, roses do not. If you require a third cover up please consider therapy or at minimum a sleeve. Jesse, how the DMV bit score tonight? Room loved it, then I did the ulygy bit as a companion piece and Mickey said I peaked at Maximus. You gave a dead man a fake middle name in front of his entire family. That's either the ball see us closer I've heard all year or evidence you should not be trusted at any future funeral. Why not both Mickey? Everybody on this show says that it's not a defense, it's a pattern. Bombed app scored tonight set a 7.8 out of 10. Docked two points for structure, one full point back for emotional honesty on the firebird bit. So crying about a car is worth more than a joke. Tonight it was, don't get used to it. Family friend passes through a chain of nobody else wanted to I end up giving the ulygy, never rehearsed just walked up. Opened with a joke that landed so well the funeral director had to remind everyone twice it was still a funeral. Then I blanked on his middle name mid sentence and just improvised one told the room his middle name was Maximus. It was Wayne. Wayne doesn't hit the same in a ulygy coda, sometimes you upgrade the material on the spot. For the record I think Maximus was a good call. I think Maximus was a good call too, finally somebody gets it. This winter one man will face his greatest loss. I just wanted the ox cord and walk away with almost nothing. Repo night rated R for one bathrobe negotiation, a $9 victory and a firebird that deserved better. Divorce finalized at a DMV, a dead woman's name turned into a rose out of pure denial. A firebird repossessed for the price of an ox cord, a ulygy with a name that never existed. I don't hit rock bottom folks I redecorate it. You'd rather I laugh at Maximus than feel bad for you. Every time coda way better trade. For the record I still think Maximus was the right call. Thank you finally somebody gets it. The Jesse show sign here initial there try not to cry on the copy. He cried on the copy. Once\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}