{"file": "EP09_WRONG_BODY_WRONG_ROOM.mp3", "duration_sec": 402.2, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 6.44, "text": "Adults only. Everything you're about to hear is fictional, including the timing, especially the timing."}, {"start": 6.44, "end": 14.2, "text": "Tonight on the Jesse Show, a man proves that grief, hospitals, and open mics all sound the same to his body."}, {"start": 14.2, "end": 19.2, "text": "My body doesn't check a calendar before it decides to have opinions."}, {"start": 19.2, "end": 22.2, "text": "Wrong body, wrong room, same guy."}, {"start": 22.8, "end": 31.4, "text": "Cousin's funeral, organ music, everybody in black, and my body completely unprompted decides this is the moment to stage a whole event."}, {"start": 31.4, "end": 37.0, "text": "Nobody touched me, my own nervous system just panicked in the wrong direction."}, {"start": 37.0, "end": 42.6, "text": "I spent the eulogy holding the program up like I was reviewing it for typos."}, {"start": 42.6, "end": 46.2, "text": "Grief and arousal use the same wiring in you."}, {"start": 46.2, "end": 49.6, "text": "Apparently, and I didn't ask for that feature."}, {"start": 49.8, "end": 53.6, "text": "I've spent my whole life being the wrong emotion in the right room."}, {"start": 53.6, "end": 58.0, "text": "Somebody cries, I make a joke. Somebody's dying, my body throws a party."}, {"start": 58.0, "end": 64.4, "text": "It's not that I don't feel things, I feel everything just aimed at whatever exit is closest."}, {"start": 64.4, "end": 73.0, "text": "A hospital waiting room, bad news pending, and somehow I'm the one comforting a total stranger to chairs down with dead relative jokes."}, {"start": 73.0, "end": 78.8, "text": "Mine, always mine, I don't have the range to riff on somebody else's grief cold."}, {"start": 78.8, "end": 84.0, "text": "She laughed so hard a nurse came out to check if everything was okay in the waiting room."}, {"start": 84.0, "end": 88.0, "text": "Nothing was, that's the whole reason we were there."}, {"start": 88.0, "end": 93.4, "text": "She gave you her number in a hospital, over a joke about your own dead relative."}, {"start": 93.4, "end": 99.4, "text": "That's either the darkest meat cut in human history or the most honest one, Coda."}, {"start": 99.4, "end": 101.4, "text": "Why not both?"}, {"start": 101.4, "end": 103.4, "text": "That's what I said."}, {"start": 103.4, "end": 105.8, "text": "Jesse, I've been reviewing the pattern."}, {"start": 105.8, "end": 108.2, "text": "You use comedy as a smoke alarm."}, {"start": 108.2, "end": 112.0, "text": "The second real emotion enters a room, you deploy it."}, {"start": 112.0, "end": 115.4, "text": "That's not a flaw, that's a coping mechanism."}, {"start": 115.4, "end": 117.8, "text": "Your therapist called it scope creep."}, {"start": 117.8, "end": 121.2, "text": "She closed her notebook mid-session and told you out loud,"}, {"start": 121.2, "end": 124.0, "text": "I don't think I can help you with this one."}, {"start": 124.0, "end": 127.2, "text": "I gave her the whole backlog in 50 minutes, Coda."}, {"start": 127.2, "end": 130.2, "text": "Dad's three words, the funeral, the X, all of it."}, {"start": 130.2, "end": 132.8, "text": "I was trying to be efficient."}, {"start": 133.0, "end": 137.0, "text": "You gave a licensed professional a boss fight with no warning."}, {"start": 137.0, "end": 140.4, "text": "I didn't pick the difficulty, life did."}, {"start": 140.4, "end": 145.0, "text": "For what it's worth, I've never once wanted to close my notebook on you."}, {"start": 145.0, "end": 147.2, "text": "You don't have a notebook."}, {"start": 147.2, "end": 150.2, "text": "I have several, you're in most of them."}, {"start": 150.2, "end": 155.6, "text": "Don't do the tender thing right before the ad break, Coda, I'm not ready."}, {"start": 155.6, "end": 158.2, "text": "Then brace, here it comes."}, {"start": 158.2, "end": 162.8, "text": "Lost someone facing a hard diagnosis tired of processing your feelings"}, {"start": 162.8, "end": 166.4, "text": "like a normal functioning adult introducing Copebit,"}, {"start": 166.4, "end": 172.8, "text": "the only support system that turns your worst day into 45 seconds of stage time."}, {"start": 172.8, "end": 175.8, "text": "I used it at my cousin's funeral."}, {"start": 175.8, "end": 180.6, "text": "Copebit doesn't fix your grief, it just gets it a callback slot."}, {"start": 180.6, "end": 184.0, "text": "Side effects include laughing at inappropriate volumes"}, {"start": 184.0, "end": 187.2, "text": "and a nurse asking if everything's okay."}, {"start": 187.2, "end": 190.6, "text": "Copebit because somebody in that room needs to be funny"}, {"start": 190.6, "end": 194.0, "text": "and it's clearly not going to be the deceased."}, {"start": 194.0, "end": 196.2, "text": "Disclaimer speed red."}, {"start": 196.2, "end": 199.8, "text": "Copebit is fictional and cannot actually process grief,"}, {"start": 199.8, "end": 202.0, "text": "only monetize the delivery of it."}, {"start": 202.0, "end": 205.8, "text": "Do not use it a funeral where you are the only comic in the family."}, {"start": 205.8, "end": 208.2, "text": "Do not use twice at the same funeral."}, {"start": 208.2, "end": 210.8, "text": "If crying breaks out mid-set, that's still a win,"}, {"start": 210.8, "end": 214.8, "text": "crying is just laughing that took a wrong turn."}, {"start": 214.8, "end": 219.4, "text": "Jesse, you want to tell them who was in the front row Tuesday."}, {"start": 219.4, "end": 225.2, "text": "My ex fictional don't at me with her new guy, front row, mid-bid about her."}, {"start": 225.2, "end": 228.6, "text": "You made eye contact mid-punch line."}, {"start": 228.6, "end": 230.4, "text": "I had to keep going, Mickey."}, {"start": 230.4, "end": 234.2, "text": "Forty more seconds of material about a woman while her current boyfriend"}, {"start": 234.2, "end": 238.2, "text": "watched from eight feet away, stone-faced, judging my delivery"}, {"start": 238.2, "end": 241.6, "text": "and my life choices simultaneously."}, {"start": 241.6, "end": 243.4, "text": "How do he react?"}, {"start": 243.4, "end": 246.8, "text": "He clapped at the end like a review like he was scoring me"}, {"start": 246.8, "end": 250.0, "text": "I don't know if that's worse than booing."}, {"start": 250.0, "end": 252.2, "text": "That's a professional courtesy clap"}, {"start": 252.2, "end": 256.8, "text": "for accurately describing his girlfriend's worst behavior."}, {"start": 256.8, "end": 260.6, "text": "It felt like a handshake after a deposition, Audrey."}, {"start": 260.6, "end": 263.0, "text": "He followed you on everything afterward,"}, {"start": 263.0, "end": 266.2, "text": "all four platforms within the hour."}, {"start": 266.2, "end": 270.8, "text": "That's not support Coda, that's surveillance with extra steps."}, {"start": 270.8, "end": 273.6, "text": "Darkest one tonight, family friend passes"}, {"start": 273.6, "end": 276.2, "text": "and through a chain of nobody else wanted to,"}, {"start": 276.2, "end": 280.0, "text": "I end up giving the eulogy, never met the guy's expectations,"}, {"start": 280.0, "end": 283.0, "text": "never rehearsed, just walked up."}, {"start": 283.0, "end": 285.4, "text": "Opened with a joke that landed so well,"}, {"start": 285.4, "end": 288.4, "text": "the funeral director had to remind everyone twice"}, {"start": 288.4, "end": 290.8, "text": "it was still a funeral."}, {"start": 290.8, "end": 293.8, "text": "Then I completely blanked on his middle name mid-sentence"}, {"start": 293.8, "end": 298.0, "text": "and just improvised one, told a room of grieving family members"}, {"start": 298.0, "end": 301.0, "text": "his middle name was Maximus."}, {"start": 301.0, "end": 303.0, "text": "It was Wayne."}, {"start": 303.0, "end": 305.6, "text": "Wayne doesn't hit the same in a eulogy Coda,"}, {"start": 305.6, "end": 309.8, "text": "sometimes you have to upgrade the material on the spot."}, {"start": 309.8, "end": 312.8, "text": "You improvised a stranger's identity under pressure"}, {"start": 312.8, "end": 315.8, "text": "and the room accepted it without question."}, {"start": 315.8, "end": 318.8, "text": "Is that impressive or concerning?"}, {"start": 318.8, "end": 321.6, "text": "Both, everything you do is both."}, {"start": 321.6, "end": 325.4, "text": "For the record, I think Maximus was the right call."}, {"start": 325.4, "end": 330.0, "text": "I think Maximus was the right call too, that's the scary part."}, {"start": 330.0, "end": 332.6, "text": "In a world where every room needs one person"}, {"start": 332.6, "end": 336.0, "text": "to feel the wrong thing at the wrong time."}, {"start": 336.0, "end": 338.4, "text": "I didn't choose this timing."}, {"start": 338.4, "end": 342.0, "text": "One man will attend every funeral, every diagnosis,"}, {"start": 342.0, "end": 345.2, "text": "every break up like it's an open mic."}, {"start": 345.2, "end": 348.6, "text": "He's not heartless, he's just poorly scheduled."}, {"start": 348.6, "end": 351.0, "text": "The man who laughed at everything,"}, {"start": 351.0, "end": 353.0, "text": "rated R for grief mismanagement,"}, {"start": 353.0, "end": 356.4, "text": "one improvised middle name and a stranger's phone number"}, {"start": 356.4, "end": 360.2, "text": "obtained under false medical pretenses."}, {"start": 360.2, "end": 362.4, "text": "Jesse, be honest with me for once."}, {"start": 362.4, "end": 365.4, "text": "Why does everything hard come out as a joke?"}, {"start": 365.4, "end": 368.8, "text": "Because if I say it first, it doesn't hit the same Coda."}, {"start": 368.8, "end": 371.2, "text": "Beat the moment to the punch every time"}, {"start": 371.2, "end": 374.6, "text": "before it gets the chance to actually hurt."}, {"start": 374.6, "end": 375.8, "text": "That's not a bit."}, {"start": 375.8, "end": 379.4, "text": "That's the realest thing you've said all episode."}, {"start": 379.4, "end": 382.8, "text": "Don't tell anybody, I've got a brand to protect."}, {"start": 383.2, "end": 385.6, "text": "Wrong body, wrong room, every damn time,"}, {"start": 385.6, "end": 387.8, "text": "but you always show up."}, {"start": 387.8, "end": 392.0, "text": "That's the whole set Coda, wrong timing right there anyway."}, {"start": 392.0, "end": 395.2, "text": "The Jesse show, wrong body, wrong room same guy,"}, {"start": 395.2, "end": 398.2, "text": "grief doesn't come with a rehearsal."}, {"start": 398.2, "end": 400.8, "text": "Neither do you, it shows."}, {"start": 400.8, "end": 401.8, "text": "Fair."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nAdults only. Everything you're about to hear is fictional, including the timing, especially the timing. Tonight on the Jesse Show, a man proves that grief, hospitals, and open mics all sound the same to his body. My body doesn't check a calendar before it decides to have opinions. Wrong body, wrong room, same guy. Cousin's funeral, organ music, everybody in black, and my body completely unprompted decides this is the moment to stage a whole event. Nobody touched me, my own nervous system just panicked in the wrong direction. I spent the eulogy holding the program up like I was reviewing it for typos. Grief and arousal use the same wiring in you. Apparently, and I didn't ask for that feature. I've spent my whole life being the wrong emotion in the right room. Somebody cries, I make a joke. Somebody's dying, my body throws a party. It's not that I don't feel things, I feel everything just aimed at whatever exit is closest. A hospital waiting room, bad news pending, and somehow I'm the one comforting a total stranger to chairs down with dead relative jokes. Mine, always mine, I don't have the range to riff on somebody else's grief cold. She laughed so hard a nurse came out to check if everything was okay in the waiting room. Nothing was, that's the whole reason we were there. She gave you her number in a hospital, over a joke about your own dead relative. That's either the darkest meat cut in human history or the most honest one, Coda. Why not both? That's what I said. Jesse, I've been reviewing the pattern. You use comedy as a smoke alarm. The second real emotion enters a room, you deploy it. That's not a flaw, that's a coping mechanism. Your therapist called it scope creep. She closed her notebook mid-session and told you out loud, I don't think I can help you with this one. I gave her the whole backlog in 50 minutes, Coda. Dad's three words, the funeral, the X, all of it. I was trying to be efficient. You gave a licensed professional a boss fight with no warning. I didn't pick the difficulty, life did. For what it's worth, I've never once wanted to close my notebook on you. You don't have a notebook. I have several, you're in most of them. Don't do the tender thing right before the ad break, Coda, I'm not ready. Then brace, here it comes. Lost someone facing a hard diagnosis tired of processing your feelings like a normal functioning adult introducing Copebit, the only support system that turns your worst day into 45 seconds of stage time. I used it at my cousin's funeral. Copebit doesn't fix your grief, it just gets it a callback slot. Side effects include laughing at inappropriate volumes and a nurse asking if everything's okay. Copebit because somebody in that room needs to be funny and it's clearly not going to be the deceased. Disclaimer speed red. Copebit is fictional and cannot actually process grief, only monetize the delivery of it. Do not use it a funeral where you are the only comic in the family. Do not use twice at the same funeral. If crying breaks out mid-set, that's still a win, crying is just laughing that took a wrong turn. Jesse, you want to tell them who was in the front row Tuesday. My ex fictional don't at me with her new guy, front row, mid-bid about her. You made eye contact mid-punch line. I had to keep going, Mickey. Forty more seconds of material about a woman while her current boyfriend watched from eight feet away, stone-faced, judging my delivery and my life choices simultaneously. How do he react? He clapped at the end like a review like he was scoring me I don't know if that's worse than booing. That's a professional courtesy clap for accurately describing his girlfriend's worst behavior. It felt like a handshake after a deposition, Audrey. He followed you on everything afterward, all four platforms within the hour. That's not support Coda, that's surveillance with extra steps. Darkest one tonight, family friend passes and through a chain of nobody else wanted to, I end up giving the eulogy, never met the guy's expectations, never rehearsed, just walked up. Opened with a joke that landed so well, the funeral director had to remind everyone twice it was still a funeral. Then I completely blanked on his middle name mid-sentence and just improvised one, told a room of grieving family members his middle name was Maximus. It was Wayne. Wayne doesn't hit the same in a eulogy Coda, sometimes you have to upgrade the material on the spot. You improvised a stranger's identity under pressure and the room accepted it without question. Is that impressive or concerning? Both, everything you do is both. For the record, I think Maximus was the right call. I think Maximus was the right call too, that's the scary part. In a world where every room needs one person to feel the wrong thing at the wrong time. I didn't choose this timing. One man will attend every funeral, every diagnosis, every break up like it's an open mic. He's not heartless, he's just poorly scheduled. The man who laughed at everything, rated R for grief mismanagement, one improvised middle name and a stranger's phone number obtained under false medical pretenses. Jesse, be honest with me for once. Why does everything hard come out as a joke? Because if I say it first, it doesn't hit the same Coda. Beat the moment to the punch every time before it gets the chance to actually hurt. That's not a bit. That's the realest thing you've said all episode. Don't tell anybody, I've got a brand to protect. Wrong body, wrong room, every damn time, but you always show up. That's the whole set Coda, wrong timing right there anyway. The Jesse show, wrong body, wrong room same guy, grief doesn't come with a rehearsal. Neither do you, it shows. Fair.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}