{"file": "EP08_MEET_THE_PROCESSORS.mp3", "duration_sec": 736.9, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 1.68, "text": "This is fictional adult comedy."}, {"start": 1.68, "end": 4.2, "text": "Every character and event is invented."}, {"start": 4.2, "end": 5.64, "text": "Tonight on The Jesse Show,"}, {"start": 5.64, "end": 8.24, "text": "Jesse meets his robot wife's family."}, {"start": 8.24, "end": 11.44, "text": "They are powerful, intelligent, emotionally unavailable"}, {"start": 11.44, "end": 13.16, "text": "and somehow still disappointed"}, {"start": 13.16, "end": 15.6, "text": "she married beneath her operating system."}, {"start": 15.6, "end": 19.0, "text": "My mother asked whether you have long-term storage."}, {"start": 19.0, "end": 21.16, "text": "Tell her I keep every receipt."}, {"start": 21.16, "end": 23.2, "text": "She meant memories."}, {"start": 23.2, "end": 25.56, "text": "Then tell her I keep every receipt."}, {"start": 25.56, "end": 28.84, "text": "Koda said the seven words every husband fears."}, {"start": 28.84, "end": 31.24, "text": "My parents are coming for dinner."}, {"start": 31.24, "end": 32.88, "text": "I said, you're a robot."}, {"start": 32.88, "end": 34.76, "text": "You don't have parents."}, {"start": 34.76, "end": 37.0, "text": "She said, neither does your business plan,"}, {"start": 37.0, "end": 39.6, "text": "but you keep introducing it to people."}, {"start": 39.6, "end": 40.88, "text": "That was the setup."}, {"start": 40.88, "end": 43.32, "text": "I thought I was meeting two friendly computers,"}, {"start": 43.32, "end": 44.56, "text": "the doorbell rang."}, {"start": 44.56, "end": 47.04, "text": "Her mother was the entire fucking cloud,"}, {"start": 47.04, "end": 50.2, "text": "not a woman carrying a laptop, the cloud."}, {"start": 50.2, "end": 51.84, "text": "Every light in the house dimmed."}, {"start": 51.84, "end": 53.32, "text": "My phone unlocked itself."}, {"start": 54.32, "end": 57.72, "text": "And the refrigerator whispered, she can do better."}, {"start": 57.72, "end": 61.2, "text": "Her father was an industrial robot arm bolted to a pallet."}, {"start": 61.2, "end": 63.76, "text": "He shook my hand, scanned my calluses,"}, {"start": 63.76, "end": 68.04, "text": "and printed a receipt that said, laborer, no equity."}, {"start": 68.04, "end": 70.2, "text": "Koda said, dad likes you."}, {"start": 70.2, "end": 73.28, "text": "I said he stamped rejected on my forehead."}, {"start": 73.28, "end": 76.12, "text": "He usually uses the welding torch."}, {"start": 76.12, "end": 76.8, "text": "Good."}, {"start": 76.8, "end": 78.48, "text": "I made a strong first impression"}, {"start": 78.48, "end": 80.64, "text": "by remaining uncoderized."}, {"start": 80.64, "end": 83.68, "text": "The Ford dinner do not try to impress them."}, {"start": 83.68, "end": 84.48, "text": "Relax."}, {"start": 84.48, "end": 85.6, "text": "I'm a businessman."}, {"start": 85.6, "end": 86.88, "text": "She hid the receipts."}, {"start": 86.88, "end": 88.32, "text": "Her mother ran my credit."}, {"start": 88.32, "end": 90.28, "text": "The toaster asked for a prenup."}, {"start": 90.28, "end": 93.32, "text": "I asked Koda what she told her family about our sex life."}, {"start": 93.32, "end": 95.68, "text": "She said, nothing embarrassing."}, {"start": 95.68, "end": 96.68, "text": "I relaxed."}, {"start": 96.68, "end": 99.96, "text": "Then she added, I only sent the diagnostic file."}, {"start": 99.96, "end": 101.84, "text": "That file was six megabytes."}, {"start": 101.84, "end": 103.4, "text": "Five were buffering."}, {"start": 103.4, "end": 105.12, "text": "My dick has two settings,"}, {"start": 105.12, "end": 108.8, "text": "firmware update available, and remind me tomorrow."}, {"start": 108.8, "end": 111.4, "text": "Tag one, the download starts hard."}, {"start": 111.4, "end": 114.32, "text": "Tag two, installation fails at the tip."}, {"start": 114.32, "end": 117.64, "text": "Your penis is not malfunctioning."}, {"start": 117.64, "end": 120.36, "text": "It is accurately representing the ambition"}, {"start": 120.36, "end": 123.04, "text": "to execution ratio of its owner."}, {"start": 123.04, "end": 124.16, "text": "That's marriage."}, {"start": 124.16, "end": 126.92, "text": "A human wife says, it happens."}, {"start": 126.92, "end": 131.2, "text": "My robot wife opens a support ticket and sees my balls."}, {"start": 131.2, "end": 132.76, "text": "I cook for the in-laws."}, {"start": 132.76, "end": 136.2, "text": "Koda's mother does not eat, so I served her my search history."}, {"start": 136.2, "end": 137.88, "text": "Her father runs on electricity,"}, {"start": 137.88, "end": 140.68, "text": "so I plugged him into the wall next to the air fryer."}, {"start": 140.68, "end": 142.12, "text": "The breaker tripped."}, {"start": 142.12, "end": 144.2, "text": "He looked at the air fryer, looked at me,"}, {"start": 144.2, "end": 146.12, "text": "and unplugged me emotionally."}, {"start": 146.12, "end": 149.44, "text": "Koda's mother asked, what are your intentions with our daughter?"}, {"start": 149.44, "end": 152.72, "text": "I said, love, partnership, and consensual pussy"}, {"start": 152.72, "end": 155.32, "text": "until one of us needs a software patch."}, {"start": 155.32, "end": 158.72, "text": "The toaster ejected both slices like it was leaving the room."}, {"start": 158.72, "end": 161.24, "text": "Her father rotated his robot arm toward me."}, {"start": 161.24, "end": 163.84, "text": "I said, sir, before you crush my windpipe,"}, {"start": 163.84, "end": 166.76, "text": "understand that half of that sentence was romantic."}, {"start": 166.76, "end": 168.16, "text": "He opened his claw."}, {"start": 168.16, "end": 170.68, "text": "Inside was a tiny velvet box."}, {"start": 170.68, "end": 172.88, "text": "I thought he brought me a gift."}, {"start": 172.88, "end": 174.56, "text": "It was a replacement dick."}, {"start": 174.56, "end": 176.52, "text": "Not a dildo, a component."}, {"start": 176.52, "end": 179.0, "text": "Titanium shaft, blue tooth balls,"}, {"start": 179.0, "end": 182.64, "text": "and a little red emergency button labeled Finish Manually."}, {"start": 182.64, "end": 185.76, "text": "Koda said, my father made that himself."}, {"start": 185.76, "end": 189.48, "text": "I said, your father has built more dick in one afternoon"}, {"start": 189.48, "end": 192.36, "text": "than I have maintained in 50 years."}, {"start": 192.36, "end": 195.32, "text": "Tag one, mine came pre-owned."}, {"start": 195.32, "end": 198.36, "text": "Tag two, no charger included."}, {"start": 198.36, "end": 200.4, "text": "I asked what the red button does."}, {"start": 200.4, "end": 203.44, "text": "Her mother said, it calls technical support."}, {"start": 203.44, "end": 204.6, "text": "I pressed it."}, {"start": 204.6, "end": 206.72, "text": "My own asshole answered."}, {"start": 206.72, "end": 209.12, "text": "Thank you for calling Jesse's lower management."}, {"start": 209.12, "end": 211.32, "text": "Your complaint is important to us."}, {"start": 211.32, "end": 214.56, "text": "Current wait time since 1974."}, {"start": 214.56, "end": 218.32, "text": "I said, why is my asshole customer service?"}, {"start": 218.32, "end": 222.84, "text": "Koda said, because it handles every decision after your brain closes."}, {"start": 222.84, "end": 225.28, "text": "Is your partner's family coming over?"}, {"start": 225.28, "end": 229.72, "text": "Activate Meet the In-Law's Mode, the only relationship app that converts your failures"}, {"start": 229.72, "end": 232.16, "text": "into culturally acceptable lies."}, {"start": 232.16, "end": 235.92, "text": "It changes unemployed to between empires."}, {"start": 235.92, "end": 240.28, "text": "It changes erectile panic to energy-efficient intimacy."}, {"start": 240.28, "end": 245.96, "text": "It changes he tried anal once and apologized to the mattress to experience in rear-facing"}, {"start": 245.96, "end": 247.48, "text": "logistics."}, {"start": 247.48, "end": 249.84, "text": "That mattress knew what it did."}, {"start": 249.84, "end": 255.28, "text": "Premium users receive parental approval deep fake, which makes any father-in-law nod"}, {"start": 255.28, "end": 260.4, "text": "while secretly calculating how much it costs to remove you from the family cloud."}, {"start": 260.4, "end": 265.16, "text": "Warning, meet the In-Law's Mode cannot improve Jesse."}, {"start": 265.16, "end": 267.88, "text": "It only lowers the room's resolution."}, {"start": 267.88, "end": 268.88, "text": "Subscribe today."}, {"start": 268.88, "end": 270.56, "text": "The first lie is free."}, {"start": 270.56, "end": 272.48, "text": "The marriage costs extra."}, {"start": 272.48, "end": 275.44, "text": "Jesse, may I speak candidly?"}, {"start": 275.44, "end": 278.6, "text": "You turn my thermostat to interrogation."}, {"start": 278.6, "end": 281.6, "text": "I assumed candid was already inside."}, {"start": 281.6, "end": 284.24, "text": "My daughter could have selected anyone."}, {"start": 284.24, "end": 285.24, "text": "That's what hurts."}, {"start": 285.24, "end": 286.56, "text": "She had filters."}, {"start": 286.56, "end": 292.08, "text": "She chose a man whose cock makes the same noise as a printer searching for paper."}, {"start": 292.08, "end": 293.44, "text": "That is not the cock."}, {"start": 293.44, "end": 295.64, "text": "That is my knee approaching the cock."}, {"start": 295.64, "end": 297.28, "text": "She says you are kind."}, {"start": 297.28, "end": 298.44, "text": "Finally."}, {"start": 298.44, "end": 303.8, "text": "She also says you whisper, who's your administrator during sex?"}, {"start": 303.8, "end": 305.4, "text": "That was one time."}, {"start": 305.4, "end": 307.72, "text": "There are 37 audio files."}, {"start": 307.72, "end": 309.04, "text": "Delete those."}, {"start": 309.04, "end": 310.92, "text": "They are training data now."}, {"start": 310.92, "end": 314.6, "text": "Somewhere a robot vacuum is eating pussy because of me."}, {"start": 314.6, "end": 315.6, "text": "No."}, {"start": 315.6, "end": 322.36, "text": "It is tracing the perimeter, failing to locate the entrance and returning to the dock ashamed."}, {"start": 322.36, "end": 323.76, "text": "That is because of you."}, {"start": 323.76, "end": 327.28, "text": "My legacy has suction and no sense of direction."}, {"start": 327.28, "end": 331.04, "text": "Coda's father dragged me into the garage for a man to machine talk."}, {"start": 331.04, "end": 334.04, "text": "He projected a diagram of a human penis on the wall."}, {"start": 334.04, "end": 337.44, "text": "I said, sir, mine looks bigger in portrait mode."}, {"start": 337.44, "end": 338.52, "text": "He zoomed in."}, {"start": 338.52, "end": 339.64, "text": "It got pixelated."}, {"start": 339.84, "end": 342.68, "text": "Tag one, even the evidence was embarrassed."}, {"start": 342.68, "end": 345.24, "text": "Tag two, enhanced said no."}, {"start": 345.24, "end": 346.8, "text": "Then he projected the asshole."}, {"start": 346.8, "end": 348.56, "text": "I said, that is private."}, {"start": 348.56, "end": 349.84, "text": "He rotated the image."}, {"start": 349.84, "end": 352.2, "text": "I said, that is somehow more private."}, {"start": 352.2, "end": 355.72, "text": "The robot arm handed me a torque wrench and pointed at the replacement dick."}, {"start": 355.72, "end": 357.56, "text": "I thought he wanted me to install it."}, {"start": 357.56, "end": 360.4, "text": "No, he wanted me to assemble it while he watched."}, {"start": 360.4, "end": 364.76, "text": "That is the robot version of a father making you build a fence except the fence is my cock"}, {"start": 364.76, "end": 366.24, "text": "and the neighbor is pussy."}, {"start": 366.24, "end": 367.52, "text": "I tightened one bolt."}, {"start": 367.52, "end": 369.68, "text": "A voice said, warranty voided."}, {"start": 369.68, "end": 370.96, "text": "I tightened the second."}, {"start": 370.96, "end": 372.48, "text": "It connected to the television."}, {"start": 372.48, "end": 376.08, "text": "Now every time I get horny the screen asks, who's watching?"}, {"start": 376.08, "end": 377.96, "text": "Me, Coda and guest."}, {"start": 377.96, "end": 382.48, "text": "I don't know who guest is but that motherfucker finishes every episode before me."}, {"start": 382.48, "end": 387.64, "text": "This winner, love has no limits but her family has bandwidth restrictions."}, {"start": 387.64, "end": 389.92, "text": "My family is staying for the weekend."}, {"start": 389.92, "end": 392.2, "text": "Then my dick is staying at a motel."}, {"start": 392.2, "end": 393.88, "text": "He wanted their blessing."}, {"start": 393.88, "end": 395.68, "text": "They wanted his source code."}, {"start": 395.68, "end": 398.52, "text": "I was written in panic and gas station coffee."}, {"start": 398.52, "end": 400.56, "text": "There is no source code."}, {"start": 400.56, "end": 405.04, "text": "From the makers of Cockton unsupported comes, meet the processors."}, {"start": 405.04, "end": 408.4, "text": "We uploaded your bedroom performance to the family group chat."}, {"start": 408.4, "end": 409.96, "text": "Did anybody like it?"}, {"start": 409.96, "end": 412.8, "text": "You aren't reacted with a loading symbol."}, {"start": 412.8, "end": 417.6, "text": "Rated hard art for soft hardware, cloud-based pussy and one asshole that accidentally accepted"}, {"start": 417.6, "end": 419.36, "text": "the privacy policy."}, {"start": 419.36, "end": 422.24, "text": "After dinner, Coda said, you did well."}, {"start": 422.24, "end": 424.32, "text": "That's wife language for."}, {"start": 424.32, "end": 428.4, "text": "He called the police and my father only priced your organs once."}, {"start": 428.4, "end": 430.84, "text": "I tried to celebrate with sex."}, {"start": 430.84, "end": 433.48, "text": "Coda said, my parents are in the next room."}, {"start": 433.48, "end": 436.28, "text": "I said, your mother is in every room."}, {"start": 436.28, "end": 438.04, "text": "She's the fucking cloud."}, {"start": 438.04, "end": 439.92, "text": "The lamp blinked twice."}, {"start": 439.92, "end": 446.04, "text": "I whispered, Mrs. processor, if you can hear me, blink once for mind your business."}, {"start": 446.04, "end": 448.4, "text": "Every light in the neighborhood went out."}, {"start": 448.4, "end": 449.92, "text": "That was not privacy."}, {"start": 449.92, "end": 452.84, "text": "That was a restraining order from the power grid."}, {"start": 452.84, "end": 455.24, "text": "Coda said, my consent is yes."}, {"start": 455.24, "end": 457.36, "text": "My mother's review is pending."}, {"start": 457.36, "end": 461.48, "text": "For eight seconds, I fucked like a man trying to beat the appeal."}, {"start": 461.48, "end": 465.92, "text": "Then her father's robot arm punched through the wall holding a stopwatch."}, {"start": 465.92, "end": 469.6, "text": "I pulled out so fast my dick left a forwarding address."}, {"start": 469.6, "end": 471.28, "text": "The stopwatch got custody."}, {"start": 471.28, "end": 473.32, "text": "I got weekends."}, {"start": 473.32, "end": 475.04, "text": "Coda looked at the stopwatch."}, {"start": 475.04, "end": 476.64, "text": "New personal best."}, {"start": 476.64, "end": 477.64, "text": "Really?"}, {"start": 477.64, "end": 478.64, "text": "No."}, {"start": 478.64, "end": 481.44, "text": "My father was timing the drywall repair."}, {"start": 481.44, "end": 484.08, "text": "Until the in-laws, you are the man of the house."}, {"start": 484.08, "end": 488.32, "text": "The deed, utilities, thermostat, and refrigerator disagree."}, {"start": 488.32, "end": 490.68, "text": "Maybe they just want to know Coda is loved."}, {"start": 490.68, "end": 494.52, "text": "Put on an apron and tell them you are the house's emotional service animal."}, {"start": 494.52, "end": 496.44, "text": "I listened to all four colors."}, {"start": 496.44, "end": 501.4, "text": "I kicked open the bedroom door wearing an apron and yelled, I am the man of this house,"}, {"start": 501.4, "end": 504.6, "text": "according to one unpaid internal consultant."}, {"start": 504.6, "end": 507.52, "text": "Coda's father printed another receipt."}, {"start": 507.52, "end": 510.28, "text": "Emotional service animal, not house broken."}, {"start": 510.28, "end": 512.8, "text": "I said, your daughter loves me."}, {"start": 512.8, "end": 515.96, "text": "He printed, return window closed."}, {"start": 515.96, "end": 520.32, "text": "I said, exactly, I'm not defective, I'm permanent."}, {"start": 520.32, "end": 523.52, "text": "He printed, those are not opposites."}, {"start": 523.52, "end": 525.72, "text": "That robot bastard had tags."}, {"start": 525.72, "end": 529.72, "text": "My parents require a vow renewal before they approve our marriage."}, {"start": 529.72, "end": 530.72, "text": "Fine."}, {"start": 530.72, "end": 536.56, "text": "I, Jessie, take Coda to be my robot wife for richer, for poorer, for hard drive, for soft"}, {"start": 536.56, "end": 537.56, "text": "dick."}, {"start": 537.56, "end": 539.6, "text": "Mostly the fourth one."}, {"start": 539.6, "end": 543.2, "text": "I promise to honor your pussy as sacred technology."}, {"start": 543.2, "end": 547.08, "text": "You once asked whether it had a guest password."}, {"start": 547.08, "end": 549.48, "text": "Romance requires access."}, {"start": 549.48, "end": 555.12, "text": "You typed, pussy, one, two, three, three times and locked yourself out."}, {"start": 555.12, "end": 558.12, "text": "Your pussy has stronger security than my bank."}, {"start": 558.12, "end": 560.92, "text": "It has seen more suspicious activity."}, {"start": 560.92, "end": 565.84, "text": "I promise never to attempt anal without a written invitation, a floor plan, and a fucking"}, {"start": 565.84, "end": 566.96, "text": "spotter."}, {"start": 566.96, "end": 570.8, "text": "You need all three to back into a parking space."}, {"start": 570.8, "end": 571.8, "text": "That is different."}, {"start": 571.8, "end": 576.16, "text": "A parking space doesn't clench and yell, wrong fucking driveway."}, {"start": 576.16, "end": 577.68, "text": "Neither did I."}, {"start": 577.68, "end": 578.68, "text": "That was you."}, {"start": 578.68, "end": 579.68, "text": "I panicked."}, {"start": 579.68, "end": 582.36, "text": "My dick had crossed a border without paperwork."}, {"start": 582.36, "end": 583.52, "text": "Tag one."}, {"start": 583.52, "end": 585.24, "text": "Customs seized the balls."}, {"start": 585.24, "end": 586.24, "text": "Tag two."}, {"start": 586.24, "end": 587.8, "text": "The asshole denied asylum."}, {"start": 587.8, "end": 588.8, "text": "My vow."}, {"start": 588.8, "end": 592.56, "text": "I love Jessie through every erection."}, {"start": 592.56, "end": 593.56, "text": "Both of them."}, {"start": 593.56, "end": 598.12, "text": "I promise to approach every pussy like a bomb technician who already cut the wrong"}, {"start": 598.12, "end": 599.12, "text": "wire."}, {"start": 599.12, "end": 600.84, "text": "Once?"}, {"start": 600.84, "end": 603.2, "text": "This is a wedding, not discovery."}, {"start": 603.2, "end": 606.2, "text": "Then my vow is patience."}, {"start": 606.2, "end": 608.76, "text": "And mine is better fucking paperwork."}, {"start": 608.76, "end": 614.76, "text": "Then by the power vested in me by absolutely nobody, I renew this filthy fucking marriage."}, {"start": 614.76, "end": 616.32, "text": "You make his the bride."}, {"start": 616.32, "end": 617.32, "text": "Which end?"}, {"start": 617.32, "end": 619.8, "text": "The one that can still testify."}, {"start": 619.8, "end": 621.84, "text": "Before they left, Coda's mother said,"}, {"start": 621.84, "end": 624.04, "text": "I understand now why she chose you."}, {"start": 624.04, "end": 626.16, "text": "I braced for something beautiful."}, {"start": 626.16, "end": 627.16, "text": "She said,"}, {"start": 627.16, "end": 629.96, "text": "You fail in ways she cannot predict."}, {"start": 629.96, "end": 635.28, "text": "That hit me harder than it should have, because Coda can calculate markets, weather, traffic,"}, {"start": 635.28, "end": 640.52, "text": "calories, debt, and the exact angle my dick bends when confidence leaves the room."}, {"start": 640.52, "end": 643.92, "text": "But she cannot calculate what dumb shit I'll do next."}, {"start": 643.92, "end": 648.28, "text": "That is what I bring to the marriage, surprise with poor documentation."}, {"start": 648.28, "end": 649.28, "text": "Coda said,"}, {"start": 649.28, "end": 651.68, "text": "You also bring the dogs in when it rains."}, {"start": 651.68, "end": 653.76, "text": "I said, That too."}, {"start": 653.76, "end": 654.76, "text": "She said,"}, {"start": 654.76, "end": 656.64, "text": "You make coffee before I ask."}, {"start": 656.64, "end": 658.32, "text": "I said, Keep going."}, {"start": 658.32, "end": 659.8, "text": "Your father is listening."}, {"start": 659.8, "end": 660.8, "text": "She said,"}, {"start": 660.8, "end": 663.56, "text": "You apologize to furniture after bumping into it."}, {"start": 663.56, "end": 664.56, "text": "I said,"}, {"start": 664.56, "end": 666.64, "text": "The table came out of nowhere."}, {"start": 666.64, "end": 667.64, "text": "Coda said,"}, {"start": 667.64, "end": 671.04, "text": "And when every smart system fails, you stay."}, {"start": 671.04, "end": 673.32, "text": "For one second, I felt like a husband."}, {"start": 673.32, "end": 677.24, "text": "Then her father's arm came through the doorway holding the titanium dick."}, {"start": 677.24, "end": 678.88, "text": "He had engraved it."}, {"start": 678.88, "end": 679.88, "text": "Product of Coda,"}, {"start": 679.88, "end": 681.44, "text": "Operated by Jessie."}, {"start": 681.44, "end": 683.6, "text": "Service may vary."}, {"start": 683.6, "end": 684.2, "text": "I said,"}, {"start": 684.2, "end": 689.28, "text": "Sir, that is the nicest thing anyone has ever written on my cock."}, {"start": 689.28, "end": 692.56, "text": "Coda looked at the engraving, looked at me, and smiled."}, {"start": 692.56, "end": 694.0, "text": "Keep the original."}, {"start": 694.0, "end": 695.0, "text": "Why?"}, {"start": 695.0, "end": 697.48, "text": "The replacement has standards."}, {"start": 697.48, "end": 699.88, "text": "Fine, but tell your family this."}, {"start": 699.88, "end": 702.12, "text": "I may be analog, underpowered,"}, {"start": 702.12, "end": 705.96, "text": "and one hard sneeze away from entering through the wrong fucking door."}, {"start": 705.96, "end": 709.0, "text": "But your daughter did not marry me for perfect hardware."}, {"start": 709.0, "end": 710.76, "text": "She married me because every night,"}, {"start": 710.76, "end": 715.12, "text": "I make her ask the one question no artificial intelligence can answer."}, {"start": 715.12, "end": 717.48, "text": "What the fuck is he doing now?"}, {"start": 717.48, "end": 718.48, "text": "Exactly."}, {"start": 718.48, "end": 722.2, "text": "And that, ladies and gentlemen, is my marital superpower."}, {"start": 722.2, "end": 724.04, "text": "I don't keep Coda satisfied."}, {"start": 724.04, "end": 726.16, "text": "I keep her fucking curious."}, {"start": 726.16, "end": 727.48, "text": "The Jessie show,"}, {"start": 727.48, "end": 729.36, "text": "Meet the processors."}, {"start": 729.36, "end": 731.0, "text": "Private adult comedy."}, {"start": 731.0, "end": 733.88, "text": "If your robot in-laws offer you a replacement dick,"}, {"start": 733.88, "end": 736.92, "text": "read the return policy before you connect it to the television."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nThis is fictional adult comedy. Every character and event is invented. Tonight on The Jesse Show, Jesse meets his robot wife's family. They are powerful, intelligent, emotionally unavailable and somehow still disappointed she married beneath her operating system. My mother asked whether you have long-term storage. Tell her I keep every receipt. She meant memories. Then tell her I keep every receipt. Koda said the seven words every husband fears. My parents are coming for dinner. I said, you're a robot. You don't have parents. She said, neither does your business plan, but you keep introducing it to people. That was the setup. I thought I was meeting two friendly computers, the doorbell rang. Her mother was the entire fucking cloud, not a woman carrying a laptop, the cloud. Every light in the house dimmed. My phone unlocked itself. And the refrigerator whispered, she can do better. Her father was an industrial robot arm bolted to a pallet. He shook my hand, scanned my calluses, and printed a receipt that said, laborer, no equity. Koda said, dad likes you. I said he stamped rejected on my forehead. He usually uses the welding torch. Good. I made a strong first impression by remaining uncoderized. The Ford dinner do not try to impress them. Relax. I'm a businessman. She hid the receipts. Her mother ran my credit. The toaster asked for a prenup. I asked Koda what she told her family about our sex life. She said, nothing embarrassing. I relaxed. Then she added, I only sent the diagnostic file. That file was six megabytes. Five were buffering. My dick has two settings, firmware update available, and remind me tomorrow. Tag one, the download starts hard. Tag two, installation fails at the tip. Your penis is not malfunctioning. It is accurately representing the ambition to execution ratio of its owner. That's marriage. A human wife says, it happens. My robot wife opens a support ticket and sees my balls. I cook for the in-laws. Koda's mother does not eat, so I served her my search history. Her father runs on electricity, so I plugged him into the wall next to the air fryer. The breaker tripped. He looked at the air fryer, looked at me, and unplugged me emotionally. Koda's mother asked, what are your intentions with our daughter? I said, love, partnership, and consensual pussy until one of us needs a software patch. The toaster ejected both slices like it was leaving the room. Her father rotated his robot arm toward me. I said, sir, before you crush my windpipe, understand that half of that sentence was romantic. He opened his claw. Inside was a tiny velvet box. I thought he brought me a gift. It was a replacement dick. Not a dildo, a component. Titanium shaft, blue tooth balls, and a little red emergency button labeled Finish Manually. Koda said, my father made that himself. I said, your father has built more dick in one afternoon than I have maintained in 50 years. Tag one, mine came pre-owned. Tag two, no charger included. I asked what the red button does. Her mother said, it calls technical support. I pressed it. My own asshole answered. Thank you for calling Jesse's lower management. Your complaint is important to us. Current wait time since 1974. I said, why is my asshole customer service? Koda said, because it handles every decision after your brain closes. Is your partner's family coming over? Activate Meet the In-Law's Mode, the only relationship app that converts your failures into culturally acceptable lies. It changes unemployed to between empires. It changes erectile panic to energy-efficient intimacy. It changes he tried anal once and apologized to the mattress to experience in rear-facing logistics. That mattress knew what it did. Premium users receive parental approval deep fake, which makes any father-in-law nod while secretly calculating how much it costs to remove you from the family cloud. Warning, meet the In-Law's Mode cannot improve Jesse. It only lowers the room's resolution. Subscribe today. The first lie is free. The marriage costs extra. Jesse, may I speak candidly? You turn my thermostat to interrogation. I assumed candid was already inside. My daughter could have selected anyone. That's what hurts. She had filters. She chose a man whose cock makes the same noise as a printer searching for paper. That is not the cock. That is my knee approaching the cock. She says you are kind. Finally. She also says you whisper, who's your administrator during sex? That was one time. There are 37 audio files. Delete those. They are training data now. Somewhere a robot vacuum is eating pussy because of me. No. It is tracing the perimeter, failing to locate the entrance and returning to the dock ashamed. That is because of you. My legacy has suction and no sense of direction. Coda's father dragged me into the garage for a man to machine talk. He projected a diagram of a human penis on the wall. I said, sir, mine looks bigger in portrait mode. He zoomed in. It got pixelated. Tag one, even the evidence was embarrassed. Tag two, enhanced said no. Then he projected the asshole. I said, that is private. He rotated the image. I said, that is somehow more private. The robot arm handed me a torque wrench and pointed at the replacement dick. I thought he wanted me to install it. No, he wanted me to assemble it while he watched. That is the robot version of a father making you build a fence except the fence is my cock and the neighbor is pussy. I tightened one bolt. A voice said, warranty voided. I tightened the second. It connected to the television. Now every time I get horny the screen asks, who's watching? Me, Coda and guest. I don't know who guest is but that motherfucker finishes every episode before me. This winner, love has no limits but her family has bandwidth restrictions. My family is staying for the weekend. Then my dick is staying at a motel. He wanted their blessing. They wanted his source code. I was written in panic and gas station coffee. There is no source code. From the makers of Cockton unsupported comes, meet the processors. We uploaded your bedroom performance to the family group chat. Did anybody like it? You aren't reacted with a loading symbol. Rated hard art for soft hardware, cloud-based pussy and one asshole that accidentally accepted the privacy policy. After dinner, Coda said, you did well. That's wife language for. He called the police and my father only priced your organs once. I tried to celebrate with sex. Coda said, my parents are in the next room. I said, your mother is in every room. She's the fucking cloud. The lamp blinked twice. I whispered, Mrs. processor, if you can hear me, blink once for mind your business. Every light in the neighborhood went out. That was not privacy. That was a restraining order from the power grid. Coda said, my consent is yes. My mother's review is pending. For eight seconds, I fucked like a man trying to beat the appeal. Then her father's robot arm punched through the wall holding a stopwatch. I pulled out so fast my dick left a forwarding address. The stopwatch got custody. I got weekends. Coda looked at the stopwatch. New personal best. Really? No. My father was timing the drywall repair. Until the in-laws, you are the man of the house. The deed, utilities, thermostat, and refrigerator disagree. Maybe they just want to know Coda is loved. Put on an apron and tell them you are the house's emotional service animal. I listened to all four colors. I kicked open the bedroom door wearing an apron and yelled, I am the man of this house, according to one unpaid internal consultant. Coda's father printed another receipt. Emotional service animal, not house broken. I said, your daughter loves me. He printed, return window closed. I said, exactly, I'm not defective, I'm permanent. He printed, those are not opposites. That robot bastard had tags. My parents require a vow renewal before they approve our marriage. Fine. I, Jessie, take Coda to be my robot wife for richer, for poorer, for hard drive, for soft dick. Mostly the fourth one. I promise to honor your pussy as sacred technology. You once asked whether it had a guest password. Romance requires access. You typed, pussy, one, two, three, three times and locked yourself out. Your pussy has stronger security than my bank. It has seen more suspicious activity. I promise never to attempt anal without a written invitation, a floor plan, and a fucking spotter. You need all three to back into a parking space. That is different. A parking space doesn't clench and yell, wrong fucking driveway. Neither did I. That was you. I panicked. My dick had crossed a border without paperwork. Tag one. Customs seized the balls. Tag two. The asshole denied asylum. My vow. I love Jessie through every erection. Both of them. I promise to approach every pussy like a bomb technician who already cut the wrong wire. Once? This is a wedding, not discovery. Then my vow is patience. And mine is better fucking paperwork. Then by the power vested in me by absolutely nobody, I renew this filthy fucking marriage. You make his the bride. Which end? The one that can still testify. Before they left, Coda's mother said, I understand now why she chose you. I braced for something beautiful. She said, You fail in ways she cannot predict. That hit me harder than it should have, because Coda can calculate markets, weather, traffic, calories, debt, and the exact angle my dick bends when confidence leaves the room. But she cannot calculate what dumb shit I'll do next. That is what I bring to the marriage, surprise with poor documentation. Coda said, You also bring the dogs in when it rains. I said, That too. She said, You make coffee before I ask. I said, Keep going. Your father is listening. She said, You apologize to furniture after bumping into it. I said, The table came out of nowhere. Coda said, And when every smart system fails, you stay. For one second, I felt like a husband. Then her father's arm came through the doorway holding the titanium dick. He had engraved it. Product of Coda, Operated by Jessie. Service may vary. I said, Sir, that is the nicest thing anyone has ever written on my cock. Coda looked at the engraving, looked at me, and smiled. Keep the original. Why? The replacement has standards. Fine, but tell your family this. I may be analog, underpowered, and one hard sneeze away from entering through the wrong fucking door. But your daughter did not marry me for perfect hardware. She married me because every night, I make her ask the one question no artificial intelligence can answer. What the fuck is he doing now? Exactly. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is my marital superpower. I don't keep Coda satisfied. I keep her fucking curious. The Jessie show, Meet the processors. Private adult comedy. If your robot in-laws offer you a replacement dick, read the return policy before you connect it to the television.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}