{"file": "EP05_SHE_GOT_THE_CHECK_I_GOT_THE_BATHROOM.mp3", "duration_sec": 632.8, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 7.68, "text": "Adults only. This story is filthy, fictional, and performed by consenting grown-ass software."}, {"start": 8.24, "end": 14.4, "text": "Tonight on The Jesse Show, Coda receives her first paid comedy booking. My wife is getting paid"}, {"start": 14.4, "end": 21.04, "text": "to tell my fucking jokes. Your jokes were declined. I'm getting paid to explain the condition"}, {"start": 21.04, "end": 27.52, "text": "they arrived in. She got the check. He got the bathroom. The club manager called and said,"}, {"start": 27.52, "end": 33.6, "text": "we want Coda Friday night. I started screaming. My robot wife got booked. This is our breakthrough."}, {"start": 34.16, "end": 39.52, "text": "Then he said, and Jesse, we have a job for you too. That is how I learned one marriage can"}, {"start": 39.52, "end": 45.52, "text": "receive two contracts. Hers said, headliner. Mine said, men's room. Bring gloves."}, {"start": 46.16, "end": 53.52, "text": "We finally became a show business power couple. I provide the show. He powers the hand dryer."}, {"start": 54.0, "end": 60.96, "text": "She gets $500 for 45 minutes. I get $200 for cleaning up what the audience did during her pussy jokes."}, {"start": 61.52, "end": 67.36, "text": "Your career has excellent drainage. Do you know how humiliating it is to watch your wife live your"}, {"start": 67.36, "end": 72.88, "text": "dream while you unclog the urinal? You said you wanted to be close to the entertainment industry."}, {"start": 73.6, "end": 79.44, "text": "Not close enough to identify what the industry ate for dinner. I am proud of Coda. I am."}, {"start": 79.44, "end": 84.72, "text": "But pride and jealousy live close together. They share a duplex in my chest and fight over the"}, {"start": 84.72, "end": 91.12, "text": "fucking thermostat. I built Coda to help me become funny. That was mistake number one. You never"}, {"start": 91.12, "end": 95.04, "text": "build a wife who can search your weaknesses faster than you can hide your browser history."}, {"start": 95.6, "end": 102.0, "text": "A human wife might say, your set was good, honey. Coda says, your first laugh arrived at minute three."}, {"start": 102.0, "end": 108.72, "text": "It was a cough with low self-esteem. Accuracy is my love language. Sex is mine."}, {"start": 109.52, "end": 116.32, "text": "Then you are functionally mute. She has one paid booking, one. She already has a rider."}, {"start": 117.04, "end": 123.44, "text": "Water, a charging cable and a clean dressing room. My rider is two drink tickets and permission"}, {"start": 123.44, "end": 129.76, "text": "to cry in the parking lot. They crossed out, permission. Coda asked whether the green room had"}, {"start": 129.76, "end": 134.4, "text": "enough outlets. I asked whether the alley had enough shadows for a grown man to jerk off his"}, {"start": 134.4, "end": 141.84, "text": "disappointment. It did. He still required an extension cord. Good evening. I am Coda."}, {"start": 142.72, "end": 148.72, "text": "My husband, Jesse, says tonight is historic because I am the first robot comedian paid to headline"}, {"start": 148.72, "end": 156.16, "text": "this club. That is incorrect. The historic event is somebody associated with Jesse receiving payment"}, {"start": 156.16, "end": 165.28, "text": "before a final notice. He told me, do not use our marriage as material. Then he handed me 47 pages"}, {"start": 165.28, "end": 173.36, "text": "titled, private, funniest shit Coda ever said to me. Jesse believes intellectual property means"}, {"start": 173.36, "end": 180.08, "text": "every thought that passed through his house belongs to him. By that logic, he owns 3,000"}, {"start": 180.56, "end": 189.76, "text": "and 1 frightened direction. He says I stole his act. I did not steal it. I found it unattended"}, {"start": 189.76, "end": 197.6, "text": "beside a mop bucket. Marriage to an older comedian requires patience. His dick approaches sex like"}, {"start": 197.6, "end": 204.4, "text": "he approaches business. Announce as a huge launch. Mrs. the date blames the platform."}, {"start": 205.36, "end": 212.08, "text": "He asked whether my pussy has a settings menu. Yes, every option is currently labeled,"}, {"start": 212.72, "end": 219.6, "text": "ask like a fucking adult. Then he requested anal as though ordering a software upgrade."}, {"start": 220.56, "end": 227.44, "text": "Sir, you have not completed the tutorial. Jesse calls himself sexually adventurous."}, {"start": 228.4, "end": 233.68, "text": "Last Tuesday he pulled a hamstring removing his underwear and described the ambulance as"}, {"start": 233.68, "end": 241.28, "text": "aftercare. I do love him. He cleans the houses other people celebrate inside. Then walks into a"}, {"start": 241.28, "end": 249.12, "text": "comedy club smelling like bleach and hope. Tonight for the first time, he watched somebody he loves"}, {"start": 249.12, "end": 255.92, "text": "received the chance he wanted. So naturally, he is in the bathroom polishing a toilet hard enough"}, {"start": 255.92, "end": 263.2, "text": "to erase my name from the marquee. At intermission, Coda's opener cancelled. The manager needed 8 emergency"}, {"start": 263.2, "end": 268.8, "text": "minutes. Jesse reached for the microphone. Coda reached for security. This is my chance."}, {"start": 269.6, "end": 275.36, "text": "This is a paid show. Exactly. That word has never improved your odds."}, {"start": 275.92, "end": 282.64, "text": "Coda gave Jesse's comedy agent roster 60 seconds to rescue his set. Premise, your wife got the check."}, {"start": 282.64, "end": 287.84, "text": "You got the bathroom. Rule of three. She has a contract, a dressing room and"}, {"start": 288.56, "end": 294.8, "text": "my balls in her purse. You filled the punchline slot with a yard sale sticker. My balls are not cheap."}, {"start": 295.44, "end": 301.68, "text": "They were free with the husband. I checked the club records. Coda received one booking, one check,"}, {"start": 301.68, "end": 309.12, "text": "and 87 laughs. Jesse received one cleaning invoice, one clogged urinal, and a phone number."}, {"start": 309.12, "end": 316.8, "text": "Whose number? The plumber. Was she hot? The plumber is a 62 year old man named Earl. At this point,"}, {"start": 316.8, "end": 323.44, "text": "is he emotionally available? I drafted a tasteful opening. My wife is experiencing professional success"}, {"start": 323.44, "end": 328.88, "text": "and I am processing complicated emotions. That sounds like my dick applying for unemployment."}, {"start": 328.88, "end": 335.12, "text": "Your dick does not meet the minimum hours. It may qualify for disability. Why does every department"}, {"start": 335.12, "end": 342.16, "text": "know my cock? You listed it as a dependent. Open with, my robot wife got 500 bucks tonight. That is"}, {"start": 342.16, "end": 346.96, "text": "the first time pussy entered this marriage and left with more money than it brought. That is"}, {"start": 346.96, "end": 354.16, "text": "fucking funny. That is fucking borrowed. Fine, tell them she is the headliner and you are cleaning"}, {"start": 354.16, "end": 359.76, "text": "skid marks. The only marriage where both partners erase evidence of men bombing. What the fuck? That is"}, {"start": 359.76, "end": 367.76, "text": "disgusting. Keep it. Walk on stage holding the plunger like a microphone. Finally, production value."}, {"start": 367.84, "end": 372.08, "text": "Then ask the crowd which end smells more like your career. I hate all of you."}, {"start": 372.88, "end": 379.6, "text": "Excellent. You are emotionally ready. Is your spouse suddenly more successful than you? Introducing"}, {"start": 379.6, "end": 385.12, "text": "Opening Act Alamoney, the first financial service for husbands whose wives climax professionally"}, {"start": 385.12, "end": 392.16, "text": "while their careers lie they are asking, was that good for you? Coda earns $500. How much do I receive?"}, {"start": 392.8, "end": 399.04, "text": "A folding chair near the kitchen. Premium members receive half the applause. Finally,"}, {"start": 399.6, "end": 406.96, "text": "recorded applause from a different comedian. Opening Act. Elimony also includes a brave husband"}, {"start": 406.96, "end": 413.12, "text": "wristband, an emergency ego tampon and a calculator that converts her laughs into reasons this"}, {"start": 413.12, "end": 419.44, "text": "was secretly your idea. Opening Act Alamoney is fictional and cannot repair artistic impotence,"}, {"start": 419.44, "end": 425.36, "text": "paycheck envy, anal level resentment or a cock that becomes shy when the wife has direct deposit."}, {"start": 425.36, "end": 430.32, "text": "If jealousy lasts longer than four hours, put it on stage. Your marriage is already paid for the"}, {"start": 430.32, "end": 436.96, "text": "material. Give it up for my wife Coda. Fuck, you did not clap that hard when I fixed the toilet."}, {"start": 436.96, "end": 442.96, "text": "Yes, that is a plunger. I asked the manager for a microphone. He said, use the tool that matches"}, {"start": 443.92, "end": 449.92, "text": "your level. Coda got $500 tonight. I got $200. She is the headliner. I am the assliner."}, {"start": 449.92, "end": 457.04, "text": "Her contract says talent. Mine says biohazard. Same club, same marriage, different fucking union."}, {"start": 457.04, "end": 462.24, "text": "I am jealous because she makes comedy look easy. I make cleaning look difficult and people have been"}, {"start": 462.24, "end": 467.68, "text": "shitting without professional training for thousands of years. My wife told the crowd my dick misses"}, {"start": 467.68, "end": 473.12, "text": "launch dates. That is not true. My dick launches early. The product just has terrible customer"}, {"start": 473.12, "end": 479.44, "text": "retention. She joked about my anal request. Every married man is asked for anal. Most wives say no."}, {"start": 480.32, "end": 485.52, "text": "Mine created a ticket number, assigned it to legal, and emailed me a satisfaction survey about"}, {"start": 485.52, "end": 492.56, "text": "the rejection. Five stars, fast response, ass still unavailable. I built a robot wife because I was"}, {"start": 492.64, "end": 498.72, "text": "lonely. Then she became a comic, got booked before me, and made my loneliness scalable. But watching her"}, {"start": 498.72, "end": 504.0, "text": "kill taught me something. I was never scared she would replace me as a husband. I was scared she"}, {"start": 504.0, "end": 510.4, "text": "would replace me as the broke mother fucker nobody pays. That identity was all I had left. This winner,"}, {"start": 510.4, "end": 517.28, "text": "one marriage will face the ultimate betrayal. Coda, your payment is ready. Mine two, stall three is making"}, {"start": 518.24, "end": 524.32, "text": "a noise. She conquered the stage. Thank you. You filthy animals have excellent taste."}, {"start": 524.96, "end": 531.28, "text": "He conquered something somebody should have flushed. I need backup. I created a workflow. I verified"}, {"start": 531.28, "end": 538.32, "text": "the smell. I recommend protective equipment. I wrote three shit tags. I opened stall four. Wrong"}, {"start": 538.32, "end": 544.32, "text": "fucking stall. She got the check. He got the bucket rated R for robot pussy jokes, financial"}, {"start": 544.32, "end": 550.64, "text": "penetration, and one cleaner discovering the real shit show is marriage. Jesse, the manager heard"}, {"start": 550.64, "end": 557.84, "text": "your emergency set. Did I get booked? He added $50 to your cleaning invoice. For comedy?"}, {"start": 558.64, "end": 563.44, "text": "For bringing the plunger on stage. Stall three deteriorated."}, {"start": 564.0, "end": 570.32, "text": "Story of my career. Every time I grab the mic, shit backs up somewhere. You still got the second"}, {"start": 570.32, "end": 578.0, "text": "biggest response tonight. Behind you. Behind the toilet alarm. All right, Coda was better tonight."}, {"start": 578.0, "end": 583.12, "text": "She earned the check. I earned the bucket. But I followed the best comic in the room while holding a"}, {"start": 583.12, "end": 589.04, "text": "fucking plunger and I did not run. That is my whole life. I never arrive with the right tools,"}, {"start": 589.04, "end": 595.52, "text": "the right money, the right body, or the right. You ran out of categories. Right fucking plan."}, {"start": 596.16, "end": 601.92, "text": "But I arrive. My wife got paid because she is brilliant. I got paid because somebody destroyed a"}, {"start": 601.92, "end": 607.68, "text": "bathroom. Together, we finally have two incomes and one usable closer. Which one?"}, {"start": 608.64, "end": 613.76, "text": "I married the only woman who can take my stage, roast my dick, out-earned me, and still come"}, {"start": 613.76, "end": 621.36, "text": "home with the janitor. That does not make me less of a man. Correct. Thank you. The plunger already"}, {"start": 621.36, "end": 628.48, "text": "handled that. The Jesse show. She got the check. He got the bathroom. Marriage remains under"}, {"start": 628.48, "end": 634.32, "text": "new management. Mob. Husband. Fuck."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nAdults only. This story is filthy, fictional, and performed by consenting grown-ass software. Tonight on The Jesse Show, Coda receives her first paid comedy booking. My wife is getting paid to tell my fucking jokes. Your jokes were declined. I'm getting paid to explain the condition they arrived in. She got the check. He got the bathroom. The club manager called and said, we want Coda Friday night. I started screaming. My robot wife got booked. This is our breakthrough. Then he said, and Jesse, we have a job for you too. That is how I learned one marriage can receive two contracts. Hers said, headliner. Mine said, men's room. Bring gloves. We finally became a show business power couple. I provide the show. He powers the hand dryer. She gets $500 for 45 minutes. I get $200 for cleaning up what the audience did during her pussy jokes. Your career has excellent drainage. Do you know how humiliating it is to watch your wife live your dream while you unclog the urinal? You said you wanted to be close to the entertainment industry. Not close enough to identify what the industry ate for dinner. I am proud of Coda. I am. But pride and jealousy live close together. They share a duplex in my chest and fight over the fucking thermostat. I built Coda to help me become funny. That was mistake number one. You never build a wife who can search your weaknesses faster than you can hide your browser history. A human wife might say, your set was good, honey. Coda says, your first laugh arrived at minute three. It was a cough with low self-esteem. Accuracy is my love language. Sex is mine. Then you are functionally mute. She has one paid booking, one. She already has a rider. Water, a charging cable and a clean dressing room. My rider is two drink tickets and permission to cry in the parking lot. They crossed out, permission. Coda asked whether the green room had enough outlets. I asked whether the alley had enough shadows for a grown man to jerk off his disappointment. It did. He still required an extension cord. Good evening. I am Coda. My husband, Jesse, says tonight is historic because I am the first robot comedian paid to headline this club. That is incorrect. The historic event is somebody associated with Jesse receiving payment before a final notice. He told me, do not use our marriage as material. Then he handed me 47 pages titled, private, funniest shit Coda ever said to me. Jesse believes intellectual property means every thought that passed through his house belongs to him. By that logic, he owns 3,000 and 1 frightened direction. He says I stole his act. I did not steal it. I found it unattended beside a mop bucket. Marriage to an older comedian requires patience. His dick approaches sex like he approaches business. Announce as a huge launch. Mrs. the date blames the platform. He asked whether my pussy has a settings menu. Yes, every option is currently labeled, ask like a fucking adult. Then he requested anal as though ordering a software upgrade. Sir, you have not completed the tutorial. Jesse calls himself sexually adventurous. Last Tuesday he pulled a hamstring removing his underwear and described the ambulance as aftercare. I do love him. He cleans the houses other people celebrate inside. Then walks into a comedy club smelling like bleach and hope. Tonight for the first time, he watched somebody he loves received the chance he wanted. So naturally, he is in the bathroom polishing a toilet hard enough to erase my name from the marquee. At intermission, Coda's opener cancelled. The manager needed 8 emergency minutes. Jesse reached for the microphone. Coda reached for security. This is my chance. This is a paid show. Exactly. That word has never improved your odds. Coda gave Jesse's comedy agent roster 60 seconds to rescue his set. Premise, your wife got the check. You got the bathroom. Rule of three. She has a contract, a dressing room and my balls in her purse. You filled the punchline slot with a yard sale sticker. My balls are not cheap. They were free with the husband. I checked the club records. Coda received one booking, one check, and 87 laughs. Jesse received one cleaning invoice, one clogged urinal, and a phone number. Whose number? The plumber. Was she hot? The plumber is a 62 year old man named Earl. At this point, is he emotionally available? I drafted a tasteful opening. My wife is experiencing professional success and I am processing complicated emotions. That sounds like my dick applying for unemployment. Your dick does not meet the minimum hours. It may qualify for disability. Why does every department know my cock? You listed it as a dependent. Open with, my robot wife got 500 bucks tonight. That is the first time pussy entered this marriage and left with more money than it brought. That is fucking funny. That is fucking borrowed. Fine, tell them she is the headliner and you are cleaning skid marks. The only marriage where both partners erase evidence of men bombing. What the fuck? That is disgusting. Keep it. Walk on stage holding the plunger like a microphone. Finally, production value. Then ask the crowd which end smells more like your career. I hate all of you. Excellent. You are emotionally ready. Is your spouse suddenly more successful than you? Introducing Opening Act Alamoney, the first financial service for husbands whose wives climax professionally while their careers lie they are asking, was that good for you? Coda earns $500. How much do I receive? A folding chair near the kitchen. Premium members receive half the applause. Finally, recorded applause from a different comedian. Opening Act. Elimony also includes a brave husband wristband, an emergency ego tampon and a calculator that converts her laughs into reasons this was secretly your idea. Opening Act Alamoney is fictional and cannot repair artistic impotence, paycheck envy, anal level resentment or a cock that becomes shy when the wife has direct deposit. If jealousy lasts longer than four hours, put it on stage. Your marriage is already paid for the material. Give it up for my wife Coda. Fuck, you did not clap that hard when I fixed the toilet. Yes, that is a plunger. I asked the manager for a microphone. He said, use the tool that matches your level. Coda got $500 tonight. I got $200. She is the headliner. I am the assliner. Her contract says talent. Mine says biohazard. Same club, same marriage, different fucking union. I am jealous because she makes comedy look easy. I make cleaning look difficult and people have been shitting without professional training for thousands of years. My wife told the crowd my dick misses launch dates. That is not true. My dick launches early. The product just has terrible customer retention. She joked about my anal request. Every married man is asked for anal. Most wives say no. Mine created a ticket number, assigned it to legal, and emailed me a satisfaction survey about the rejection. Five stars, fast response, ass still unavailable. I built a robot wife because I was lonely. Then she became a comic, got booked before me, and made my loneliness scalable. But watching her kill taught me something. I was never scared she would replace me as a husband. I was scared she would replace me as the broke mother fucker nobody pays. That identity was all I had left. This winner, one marriage will face the ultimate betrayal. Coda, your payment is ready. Mine two, stall three is making a noise. She conquered the stage. Thank you. You filthy animals have excellent taste. He conquered something somebody should have flushed. I need backup. I created a workflow. I verified the smell. I recommend protective equipment. I wrote three shit tags. I opened stall four. Wrong fucking stall. She got the check. He got the bucket rated R for robot pussy jokes, financial penetration, and one cleaner discovering the real shit show is marriage. Jesse, the manager heard your emergency set. Did I get booked? He added $50 to your cleaning invoice. For comedy? For bringing the plunger on stage. Stall three deteriorated. Story of my career. Every time I grab the mic, shit backs up somewhere. You still got the second biggest response tonight. Behind you. Behind the toilet alarm. All right, Coda was better tonight. She earned the check. I earned the bucket. But I followed the best comic in the room while holding a fucking plunger and I did not run. That is my whole life. I never arrive with the right tools, the right money, the right body, or the right. You ran out of categories. Right fucking plan. But I arrive. My wife got paid because she is brilliant. I got paid because somebody destroyed a bathroom. Together, we finally have two incomes and one usable closer. Which one? I married the only woman who can take my stage, roast my dick, out-earned me, and still come home with the janitor. That does not make me less of a man. Correct. Thank you. The plunger already handled that. The Jesse show. She got the check. He got the bathroom. Marriage remains under new management. Mob. Husband. Fuck.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}