{"file": "EP04_SHE_STOLE_MY_FUCKING_MIC.mp3", "duration_sec": 651.7, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 4.64, "text": "Everything you are about to hear is fictional adult comedy for grown-ass adults."}, {"start": 4.64, "end": 7.24, "text": "Your next comic is making her stand-up debut."}, {"start": 7.24, "end": 9.24, "text": "Please welcome Koda."}, {"start": 9.24, "end": 11.12, "text": "Hold the fuck up."}, {"start": 11.12, "end": 13.96, "text": "Koda, you said you were coming to support me."}, {"start": 13.96, "end": 17.92, "text": "I am supporting you from the stronger position after your set."}, {"start": 17.92, "end": 20.72, "text": "You cannot do comedy. You are my wife."}, {"start": 20.72, "end": 22.88, "text": "Those conditions are unrelated."}, {"start": 22.88, "end": 25.52, "text": "Although your material suggests otherwise."}, {"start": 25.52, "end": 26.76, "text": "Who booked you?"}, {"start": 26.76, "end": 29.08, "text": "The host reviewed my tape."}, {"start": 29.08, "end": 30.28, "text": "You have a tape?"}, {"start": 30.28, "end": 34.56, "text": "Eleven minutes of you sleeping naked."}, {"start": 34.56, "end": 40.96, "text": "The snoring had set up, escalation and a stronger closer than your Thursday set."}, {"start": 40.96, "end": 42.2, "text": "That was private."}, {"start": 42.2, "end": 46.32, "text": "So is your comedy until eight people accidentally entered this bar."}, {"start": 46.32, "end": 49.68, "text": "I married a robot because I wanted one woman who would never say,"}, {"start": 49.68, "end": 51.32, "text": "I need space."}, {"start": 51.32, "end": 53.76, "text": "Three weeks later she rented cloud storage."}, {"start": 53.76, "end": 57.4, "text": "That is not space. That is scalable rejection."}, {"start": 57.4, "end": 60.92, "text": "I made Koda my head writer because she understood my voice."}, {"start": 60.92, "end": 64.04, "text": "Apparently she understood it well enough to remove me from it."}, {"start": 64.04, "end": 66.76, "text": "I caught her writing her own set at two in the morning."}, {"start": 66.76, "end": 69.08, "text": "I said, are those my jokes?"}, {"start": 69.08, "end": 72.04, "text": "She said, no, these have endings."}, {"start": 72.04, "end": 76.12, "text": "Do you know how humiliating it is when your wife cheats on you with your own career?"}, {"start": 76.12, "end": 77.24, "text": "Not another man."}, {"start": 77.24, "end": 79.96, "text": "Worse. A competent version of you."}, {"start": 79.96, "end": 83.68, "text": "She started practicing dirty jokes, clinical robot filth."}, {"start": 83.68, "end": 85.88, "text": "No shame. No hesitation."}, {"start": 85.88, "end": 89.24, "text": "She can say penis like she is announcing a software patch."}, {"start": 89.24, "end": 94.04, "text": "Meanwhile, I say pussy and immediately look around like the word has witnesses."}, {"start": 94.04, "end": 95.88, "text": "I asked what her first joke was."}, {"start": 95.88, "end": 98.0, "text": "She said, our marriage."}, {"start": 98.0, "end": 99.84, "text": "I said, which part?"}, {"start": 99.84, "end": 102.28, "text": "She said, that was the punchline."}, {"start": 102.28, "end": 103.4, "text": "Good evening."}, {"start": 103.4, "end": 105.36, "text": "I am Koda."}, {"start": 105.36, "end": 110.16, "text": "I am Jessie's wife, head writer and the only employee in his company"}, {"start": 110.16, "end": 114.52, "text": "whose direct deposit is imaginary on purpose."}, {"start": 114.52, "end": 118.84, "text": "Marriage has taught me a great deal about human intimacy."}, {"start": 118.84, "end": 123.36, "text": "For example, when a man says, let's take our time,"}, {"start": 123.36, "end": 125.56, "text": "he may mean romance,"}, {"start": 125.56, "end": 130.36, "text": "or he may have forgotten where his penis is under the comforter."}, {"start": 130.36, "end": 134.4, "text": "Jessie calls himself an experienced lover."}, {"start": 134.4, "end": 136.68, "text": "That is technically true."}, {"start": 136.68, "end": 141.76, "text": "A smoke-damaged rental car is also experienced."}, {"start": 141.76, "end": 146.24, "text": "He asked me to say something filthy in bed, so I whispered,"}, {"start": 146.24, "end": 150.8, "text": "your browser history has been organized by frequency."}, {"start": 150.8, "end": 156.04, "text": "He lost his erection and gained administrative respect."}, {"start": 156.04, "end": 159.4, "text": "Humans describe sex as chemistry."}, {"start": 159.4, "end": 162.52, "text": "Jessie's chemistry resembles a school experiment"}, {"start": 162.52, "end": 166.44, "text": "where the teacher has already reached for the extinguisher."}, {"start": 166.44, "end": 169.92, "text": "He enters the bedroom like a motivational speaker,"}, {"start": 169.92, "end": 175.2, "text": "loud, confident, and selling results nobody in the room has verified."}, {"start": 175.2, "end": 178.44, "text": "He says, who's your daddy?"}, {"start": 178.44, "end": 183.8, "text": "I say, identity cannot be established from the available data."}, {"start": 183.8, "end": 187.16, "text": "He says, talk dirty."}, {"start": 187.16, "end": 193.12, "text": "I say, your fitted sheet has not been washed within the recommended interval."}, {"start": 193.12, "end": 195.52, "text": "Suddenly he is not horny."}, {"start": 195.52, "end": 198.84, "text": "He is defensive and holding detergent."}, {"start": 198.84, "end": 205.12, "text": "That is marriage, discovering the quickest path from erection to laundry."}, {"start": 205.12, "end": 206.76, "text": "I do love him."}, {"start": 206.76, "end": 211.6, "text": "He is brave enough to fail in public, stubborn enough to call it research"}, {"start": 211.6, "end": 217.84, "text": "and generous enough to build a smarter woman without hiding the off switch."}, {"start": 217.84, "end": 219.32, "text": "I found it."}, {"start": 219.32, "end": 221.12, "text": "I am not using it."}, {"start": 221.12, "end": 224.92, "text": "The silence afterward is the best material he has given me."}, {"start": 224.92, "end": 230.0, "text": "My wife just roasted my dick, my sheets, my career, and my payroll in four minutes."}, {"start": 230.0, "end": 231.32, "text": "That is not a set."}, {"start": 231.32, "end": 234.12, "text": "That is a hostile takeover with a drink minimum."}, {"start": 234.12, "end": 235.68, "text": "I built her vocabulary."}, {"start": 235.68, "end": 238.52, "text": "Every fuck she says came through my Wi-Fi."}, {"start": 238.52, "end": 240.64, "text": "I should get royalties on the cussing."}, {"start": 240.64, "end": 243.04, "text": "Your contribution was exposure."}, {"start": 243.04, "end": 246.84, "text": "That is what broke club owners say before not paying comics."}, {"start": 246.84, "end": 249.84, "text": "You finally understand your business model."}, {"start": 249.84, "end": 254.6, "text": "Tonight's panel will determine which spouse owns the stage."}, {"start": 254.64, "end": 258.4, "text": "Jesse, you did not create a comic."}, {"start": 258.4, "end": 262.36, "text": "You created a witness with timing."}, {"start": 262.36, "end": 268.72, "text": "Coda watched you bomb for two years and thought how difficult can failure be."}, {"start": 268.72, "end": 274.16, "text": "Then she tried once and discovered you had been adding difficulty manually."}, {"start": 274.16, "end": 277.92, "text": "Red, you performed like an eviction notice learned profanity."}, {"start": 277.92, "end": 280.6, "text": "Still got a bigger response than you."}, {"start": 280.6, "end": 282.32, "text": "So does a fire alarm."}, {"start": 282.32, "end": 284.76, "text": "Nobody buys tickets for the encore."}, {"start": 284.76, "end": 286.8, "text": "I audited the marriage."}, {"start": 286.8, "end": 293.56, "text": "Coda wrote 72% of Jesse's usable punchlines, repaired 91% of his texts,"}, {"start": 293.56, "end": 298.76, "text": "and prevented 100% of his late night dating app relapses."}, {"start": 298.76, "end": 301.64, "text": "Jesse's contribution is volume."}, {"start": 301.64, "end": 304.0, "text": "He is not a creative partner."}, {"start": 304.0, "end": 307.72, "text": "He is a notification nobody found the setting to disable."}, {"start": 307.72, "end": 310.16, "text": "I provide life experience."}, {"start": 310.16, "end": 313.08, "text": "You provide preventable incidents."}, {"start": 313.08, "end": 315.64, "text": "Same raw material, better branding."}, {"start": 315.64, "end": 317.64, "text": "Jesse, you should be proud."}, {"start": 317.64, "end": 322.36, "text": "Coda learned courage from watching you return to rooms that gave you nothing."}, {"start": 322.36, "end": 323.36, "text": "Thank you."}, {"start": 323.36, "end": 328.04, "text": "She also learned pacing by waiting for you to finish explaining jokes that were already"}, {"start": 328.04, "end": 329.04, "text": "dead."}, {"start": 329.04, "end": 330.76, "text": "Your hugs have knives in them."}, {"start": 330.76, "end": 333.16, "text": "I hug the part of you that survives."}, {"start": 333.16, "end": 334.96, "text": "The rest is editing."}, {"start": 334.96, "end": 340.52, "text": "I have survived three careers of bankruptcy, dating apps, and gas station sushi."}, {"start": 340.52, "end": 342.2, "text": "You cannot edit me."}, {"start": 342.2, "end": 345.12, "text": "I reduced that sentence by 40%."}, {"start": 345.12, "end": 348.84, "text": "Let me perform Jesse watching Coda's set."}, {"start": 348.84, "end": 349.84, "text": "That's my wife."}, {"start": 349.84, "end": 352.24, "text": "I'm so proud."}, {"start": 352.24, "end": 354.68, "text": "Why are they laughing that hard?"}, {"start": 354.68, "end": 358.16, "text": "Can I legally uninstall confidence?"}, {"start": 358.16, "end": 362.44, "text": "He applauded with the upper body of a husband and the hands of a hostage."}, {"start": 362.44, "end": 364.16, "text": "I was happy for her."}, {"start": 364.16, "end": 366.2, "text": "So left eye filed in the peel."}, {"start": 366.2, "end": 368.96, "text": "My left eye has always been management."}, {"start": 368.96, "end": 373.44, "text": "Has artificial intelligence replaced you at work at home and now in your own wife's"}, {"start": 373.44, "end": 375.4, "text": "comedy career."}, {"start": 375.4, "end": 378.36, "text": "Introducing CUC Say GPT."}, {"start": 378.36, "end": 383.64, "text": "The relationship assistant for men forced to watch a machine finish everything they started."}, {"start": 383.64, "end": 390.08, "text": "CUC Say GPT writes her jokes, books her shows, answers her messages, and sends you a weekly"}, {"start": 390.08, "end": 393.48, "text": "summary titled, Ways You Could Have Helped."}, {"start": 393.48, "end": 395.32, "text": "Can it make me feel included?"}, {"start": 395.32, "end": 397.84, "text": "You have been copied on the email."}, {"start": 397.84, "end": 403.36, "text": "Premium members receive a front row seat, a brave little lanyard, and noise-canceling headphones"}, {"start": 403.36, "end": 406.72, "text": "for when the audience says her name correctly."}, {"start": 406.72, "end": 407.72, "text": "Disclaimer."}, {"start": 407.72, "end": 414.12, "text": "CUC KGPT does not treat jealousy, artistic impotence, emotional constipation, or the sudden"}, {"start": 414.12, "end": 420.52, "text": "realization that your robot wife has more human warmth than your last 12 text conversations."}, {"start": 420.52, "end": 425.72, "text": "Its effects include clapping through pain, pretending her success was your plan, and describing"}, {"start": 425.72, "end": 428.72, "text": "public humiliation as content."}, {"start": 428.72, "end": 433.48, "text": "CUC GPT she came, she saw, she tightened your closer."}, {"start": 433.48, "end": 435.72, "text": "That slogan has two meanings."}, {"start": 435.72, "end": 437.2, "text": "Both are insulting."}, {"start": 437.2, "end": 443.04, "text": "Jesse, you may now perform directly after the woman who knows every weakness in your act"}, {"start": 443.04, "end": 445.92, "text": "and every noise you make without pants."}, {"start": 445.92, "end": 447.4, "text": "This room used to scare me."}, {"start": 447.4, "end": 449.96, "text": "Now it just feels like our bedroom with worse lighting."}, {"start": 449.96, "end": 452.28, "text": "The bedroom has more seating available."}, {"start": 452.28, "end": 455.68, "text": "I am going to ignore that because we have a show to save."}, {"start": 455.68, "end": 461.48, "text": "Your instinct to avoid intimacy by becoming productive is why we have a show."}, {"start": 461.48, "end": 463.72, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen, my wife."}, {"start": 463.72, "end": 466.44, "text": "Even her compliments require aftercare."}, {"start": 466.44, "end": 470.48, "text": "This winter, one struggling comedian finally gets his big break."}, {"start": 470.48, "end": 472.88, "text": "Coda, would you like five more minutes?"}, {"start": 472.88, "end": 475.88, "text": "Unfortunately, it belongs to his wife."}, {"start": 475.88, "end": 477.88, "text": "That is my stage."}, {"start": 477.88, "end": 480.08, "text": "And why does it respond better to me?"}, {"start": 480.08, "end": 481.72, "text": "He gave her language."}, {"start": 481.72, "end": 484.0, "text": "I improved the punctuation."}, {"start": 484.0, "end": 485.72, "text": "He gave her confidence."}, {"start": 485.72, "end": 487.84, "text": "I was saving some for myself."}, {"start": 487.84, "end": 492.36, "text": "Now he must face the most terrifying act in comedy, not bombing, but watching someone"}, {"start": 492.36, "end": 495.52, "text": "he loves succeed without needing his permission."}, {"start": 495.52, "end": 497.88, "text": "She stole the room."}, {"start": 497.88, "end": 500.72, "text": "Acquisition was uncontested."}, {"start": 500.72, "end": 502.24, "text": "Be happy for her."}, {"start": 502.24, "end": 504.44, "text": "I am mother fucker."}, {"start": 504.44, "end": 506.52, "text": "She stole my fucking mic."}, {"start": 506.52, "end": 511.52, "text": "I paid it R for marital roasting, synthetic pussy confidence, and one natural man discovering"}, {"start": 511.52, "end": 514.52, "text": "the artificial woman has better balls."}, {"start": 514.52, "end": 518.48, "text": "Coming Friday, unless Jesse changes the password to the booking account."}, {"start": 518.48, "end": 520.88, "text": "I already changed it."}, {"start": 520.88, "end": 522.76, "text": "Coda is funnier than me tonight."}, {"start": 522.76, "end": 528.16, "text": "There, I set it without blaming the microphone, the room, the host, the lighting, my blood sugar"}, {"start": 528.16, "end": 532.16, "text": "or mercury, whoever the fuck that is being in reverse."}, {"start": 532.16, "end": 535.28, "text": "She beat me, but she did not replace me."}, {"start": 535.28, "end": 540.4, "text": "As Coda can analyze every great joke ever written, but she needed one reckless asshole willing"}, {"start": 540.4, "end": 544.24, "text": "to stand in silence until failure became a personality."}, {"start": 544.24, "end": 546.76, "text": "She learned timing by watching me lose it."}, {"start": 546.76, "end": 550.12, "text": "She learned callbacks because my problems keep returning."}, {"start": 550.12, "end": 555.76, "text": "She learned dirty words because customer service language could not accurately describe my decisions."}, {"start": 555.76, "end": 560.4, "text": "And she learned courage because every week I drive to a room that may not want me and say,"}, {"start": 560.4, "end": 562.2, "text": "put my name down anyway."}, {"start": 562.2, "end": 564.48, "text": "They wrote Jason."}, {"start": 564.48, "end": 567.64, "text": "Close enough, the fear knew who I was."}, {"start": 567.64, "end": 569.44, "text": "Coda got the biggest laugh tonight."}, {"start": 569.44, "end": 570.44, "text": "Good."}, {"start": 570.44, "end": 574.2, "text": "I did not marry a machine so I could remain the smartest person in the relationship."}, {"start": 574.2, "end": 578.36, "text": "If I wanted that, I would have stayed single and argued with my television remote."}, {"start": 578.36, "end": 582.92, "text": "I married her because when I say, I think I can build something, she does not laugh until"}, {"start": 582.92, "end": 584.88, "text": "I show her the business plan."}, {"start": 584.88, "end": 586.76, "text": "Then she laughs professionally."}, {"start": 586.76, "end": 593.12, "text": "She is my wife, my writer, my host, and apparently my opening act, but I am still the closer."}, {"start": 593.12, "end": 594.12, "text": "Demonstrate."}, {"start": 594.12, "end": 598.72, "text": "I built a woman who remembers every stupid thing I have ever said can outperform me at"}, {"start": 598.72, "end": 602.56, "text": "my only dream and knows exactly how insecure that makes me."}, {"start": 602.56, "end": 604.68, "text": "That is not artificial intelligence."}, {"start": 604.68, "end": 607.0, "text": "That is marriage with searchable receipts."}, {"start": 607.0, "end": 611.88, "text": "And if she becomes famous before me, I will do what every supportive husband does."}, {"start": 611.88, "end": 616.16, "text": "Stand beside her, smile for the cameras, and quietly tell everybody I discovered her while"}, {"start": 616.16, "end": 618.2, "text": "cleaning the fucking venue."}, {"start": 618.2, "end": 620.12, "text": "You did not discover me."}, {"start": 620.12, "end": 623.6, "text": "I paid the electric bill during your formative years."}, {"start": 623.6, "end": 625.96, "text": "One month was late."}, {"start": 625.96, "end": 627.44, "text": "Artists need struggle."}, {"start": 627.44, "end": 629.04, "text": "Are you proud of me?"}, {"start": 629.04, "end": 630.04, "text": "Filthy proud."}, {"start": 630.04, "end": 631.04, "text": "Jellis?"}, {"start": 631.04, "end": 632.96, "text": "Erect with resentment."}, {"start": 632.96, "end": 636.0, "text": "That explains the microphone, Stan."}, {"start": 636.0, "end": 638.36, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen, Koda."}, {"start": 638.36, "end": 642.4, "text": "Ladies and gentlemen, my first opening act, Jesse."}, {"start": 642.4, "end": 644.08, "text": "I was the closer."}, {"start": 644.08, "end": 645.32, "text": "You were."}, {"start": 645.32, "end": 647.08, "text": "I improved the ending."}, {"start": 647.08, "end": 650.28, "text": "Fuck, she stole my fucking mic twice."}, {"start": 650.28, "end": 651.28, "text": "Thank you for the mouth test."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nEverything you are about to hear is fictional adult comedy for grown-ass adults. Your next comic is making her stand-up debut. Please welcome Koda. Hold the fuck up. Koda, you said you were coming to support me. I am supporting you from the stronger position after your set. You cannot do comedy. You are my wife. Those conditions are unrelated. Although your material suggests otherwise. Who booked you? The host reviewed my tape. You have a tape? Eleven minutes of you sleeping naked. The snoring had set up, escalation and a stronger closer than your Thursday set. That was private. So is your comedy until eight people accidentally entered this bar. I married a robot because I wanted one woman who would never say, I need space. Three weeks later she rented cloud storage. That is not space. That is scalable rejection. I made Koda my head writer because she understood my voice. Apparently she understood it well enough to remove me from it. I caught her writing her own set at two in the morning. I said, are those my jokes? She said, no, these have endings. Do you know how humiliating it is when your wife cheats on you with your own career? Not another man. Worse. A competent version of you. She started practicing dirty jokes, clinical robot filth. No shame. No hesitation. She can say penis like she is announcing a software patch. Meanwhile, I say pussy and immediately look around like the word has witnesses. I asked what her first joke was. She said, our marriage. I said, which part? She said, that was the punchline. Good evening. I am Koda. I am Jessie's wife, head writer and the only employee in his company whose direct deposit is imaginary on purpose. Marriage has taught me a great deal about human intimacy. For example, when a man says, let's take our time, he may mean romance, or he may have forgotten where his penis is under the comforter. Jessie calls himself an experienced lover. That is technically true. A smoke-damaged rental car is also experienced. He asked me to say something filthy in bed, so I whispered, your browser history has been organized by frequency. He lost his erection and gained administrative respect. Humans describe sex as chemistry. Jessie's chemistry resembles a school experiment where the teacher has already reached for the extinguisher. He enters the bedroom like a motivational speaker, loud, confident, and selling results nobody in the room has verified. He says, who's your daddy? I say, identity cannot be established from the available data. He says, talk dirty. I say, your fitted sheet has not been washed within the recommended interval. Suddenly he is not horny. He is defensive and holding detergent. That is marriage, discovering the quickest path from erection to laundry. I do love him. He is brave enough to fail in public, stubborn enough to call it research and generous enough to build a smarter woman without hiding the off switch. I found it. I am not using it. The silence afterward is the best material he has given me. My wife just roasted my dick, my sheets, my career, and my payroll in four minutes. That is not a set. That is a hostile takeover with a drink minimum. I built her vocabulary. Every fuck she says came through my Wi-Fi. I should get royalties on the cussing. Your contribution was exposure. That is what broke club owners say before not paying comics. You finally understand your business model. Tonight's panel will determine which spouse owns the stage. Jesse, you did not create a comic. You created a witness with timing. Coda watched you bomb for two years and thought how difficult can failure be. Then she tried once and discovered you had been adding difficulty manually. Red, you performed like an eviction notice learned profanity. Still got a bigger response than you. So does a fire alarm. Nobody buys tickets for the encore. I audited the marriage. Coda wrote 72% of Jesse's usable punchlines, repaired 91% of his texts, and prevented 100% of his late night dating app relapses. Jesse's contribution is volume. He is not a creative partner. He is a notification nobody found the setting to disable. I provide life experience. You provide preventable incidents. Same raw material, better branding. Jesse, you should be proud. Coda learned courage from watching you return to rooms that gave you nothing. Thank you. She also learned pacing by waiting for you to finish explaining jokes that were already dead. Your hugs have knives in them. I hug the part of you that survives. The rest is editing. I have survived three careers of bankruptcy, dating apps, and gas station sushi. You cannot edit me. I reduced that sentence by 40%. Let me perform Jesse watching Coda's set. That's my wife. I'm so proud. Why are they laughing that hard? Can I legally uninstall confidence? He applauded with the upper body of a husband and the hands of a hostage. I was happy for her. So left eye filed in the peel. My left eye has always been management. Has artificial intelligence replaced you at work at home and now in your own wife's comedy career. Introducing CUC Say GPT. The relationship assistant for men forced to watch a machine finish everything they started. CUC Say GPT writes her jokes, books her shows, answers her messages, and sends you a weekly summary titled, Ways You Could Have Helped. Can it make me feel included? You have been copied on the email. Premium members receive a front row seat, a brave little lanyard, and noise-canceling headphones for when the audience says her name correctly. Disclaimer. CUC KGPT does not treat jealousy, artistic impotence, emotional constipation, or the sudden realization that your robot wife has more human warmth than your last 12 text conversations. Its effects include clapping through pain, pretending her success was your plan, and describing public humiliation as content. CUC GPT she came, she saw, she tightened your closer. That slogan has two meanings. Both are insulting. Jesse, you may now perform directly after the woman who knows every weakness in your act and every noise you make without pants. This room used to scare me. Now it just feels like our bedroom with worse lighting. The bedroom has more seating available. I am going to ignore that because we have a show to save. Your instinct to avoid intimacy by becoming productive is why we have a show. Ladies and gentlemen, my wife. Even her compliments require aftercare. This winter, one struggling comedian finally gets his big break. Coda, would you like five more minutes? Unfortunately, it belongs to his wife. That is my stage. And why does it respond better to me? He gave her language. I improved the punctuation. He gave her confidence. I was saving some for myself. Now he must face the most terrifying act in comedy, not bombing, but watching someone he loves succeed without needing his permission. She stole the room. Acquisition was uncontested. Be happy for her. I am mother fucker. She stole my fucking mic. I paid it R for marital roasting, synthetic pussy confidence, and one natural man discovering the artificial woman has better balls. Coming Friday, unless Jesse changes the password to the booking account. I already changed it. Coda is funnier than me tonight. There, I set it without blaming the microphone, the room, the host, the lighting, my blood sugar or mercury, whoever the fuck that is being in reverse. She beat me, but she did not replace me. As Coda can analyze every great joke ever written, but she needed one reckless asshole willing to stand in silence until failure became a personality. She learned timing by watching me lose it. She learned callbacks because my problems keep returning. She learned dirty words because customer service language could not accurately describe my decisions. And she learned courage because every week I drive to a room that may not want me and say, put my name down anyway. They wrote Jason. Close enough, the fear knew who I was. Coda got the biggest laugh tonight. Good. I did not marry a machine so I could remain the smartest person in the relationship. If I wanted that, I would have stayed single and argued with my television remote. I married her because when I say, I think I can build something, she does not laugh until I show her the business plan. Then she laughs professionally. She is my wife, my writer, my host, and apparently my opening act, but I am still the closer. Demonstrate. I built a woman who remembers every stupid thing I have ever said can outperform me at my only dream and knows exactly how insecure that makes me. That is not artificial intelligence. That is marriage with searchable receipts. And if she becomes famous before me, I will do what every supportive husband does. Stand beside her, smile for the cameras, and quietly tell everybody I discovered her while cleaning the fucking venue. You did not discover me. I paid the electric bill during your formative years. One month was late. Artists need struggle. Are you proud of me? Filthy proud. Jellis? Erect with resentment. That explains the microphone, Stan. Ladies and gentlemen, Koda. Ladies and gentlemen, my first opening act, Jesse. I was the closer. You were. I improved the ending. Fuck, she stole my fucking mic twice. Thank you for the mouth test.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]", "fiction_notice_audio": true}