{"file": "EP02_MOZZARELLA_STICKS_AND_EQUITY.mp3", "duration_sec": 376.0, "language": "en", "segments": [{"start": 0.0, "end": 2.4, "text": "The following is fictional adult comedy."}, {"start": 2.4, "end": 5.0, "text": "The date, investor, client, restaurant,"}, {"start": 5.0, "end": 7.72, "text": "and business events are invented comic actouts,"}, {"start": 7.72, "end": 9.72, "text": "not factual claims."}, {"start": 9.72, "end": 11.12, "text": "So here's the play."}, {"start": 11.12, "end": 15.08, "text": "Three revenue streams, one brand, infinite upside."}, {"start": 15.08, "end": 17.32, "text": "I asked what you do for a living."}, {"start": 17.32, "end": 19.44, "text": "This is what I do for a living."}, {"start": 19.44, "end": 20.72, "text": "Which part?"}, {"start": 20.72, "end": 23.4, "text": "The pitch or the mozzarella sticks."}, {"start": 23.4, "end": 25.36, "text": "Historically, both."}, {"start": 25.36, "end": 26.44, "text": "That's the app."}, {"start": 26.44, "end": 29.04, "text": "Coda, she doesn't sleep, she doesn't eat,"}, {"start": 29.04, "end": 32.36, "text": "and she has never once let me finish a sentence I shouldn't have started."}, {"start": 32.36, "end": 34.68, "text": "I've got three businesses right now."}, {"start": 34.68, "end": 37.68, "text": "People hear that and think, wow, ambitious."}, {"start": 37.68, "end": 41.8, "text": "No, I've got three businesses because none of them are working alone."}, {"start": 41.8, "end": 45.92, "text": "So I stapled them together like a guy building a boat out of pallets."}, {"start": 45.92, "end": 49.52, "text": "I'm the CEO, the janitor, and the only employee."}, {"start": 49.52, "end": 51.96, "text": "Which means when I have a bad performance review,"}, {"start": 51.96, "end": 54.48, "text": "I already know where I sleep that night."}, {"start": 54.48, "end": 57.0, "text": "I told a woman I was diversified."}, {"start": 57.0, "end": 58.72, "text": "She said, in what?"}, {"start": 58.72, "end": 63.44, "text": "I said, disappointment mostly, but it's spread across several industries."}, {"start": 63.44, "end": 65.84, "text": "My business card say founder."}, {"start": 65.84, "end": 68.56, "text": "My bank app just says insufficient."}, {"start": 68.56, "end": 72.08, "text": "I met a guy last week who said he believes in me."}, {"start": 72.08, "end": 76.16, "text": "Buddy, I don't believe in me, and I've got 20 more years of data than you."}, {"start": 76.16, "end": 81.16, "text": "The scariest part is I keep pitching anyway, because the day I stop pitching is the day"}, {"start": 81.16, "end": 85.48, "text": "I have to admit I'm just a guy with a swiffer in a dream, and one of those things has a"}, {"start": 85.48, "end": 86.72, "text": "warranty."}, {"start": 86.72, "end": 87.72, "text": "True story."}, {"start": 87.72, "end": 90.24, "text": "Honestly, I've got this idea."}, {"start": 90.24, "end": 93.68, "text": "Candy adjacent wellness snack, guilt-free nostalgia."}, {"start": 93.68, "end": 98.72, "text": "I actually wrote that down, sober, and I get a meeting, a real meeting."}, {"start": 98.72, "end": 101.56, "text": "Guy wants to hear the pitch, wants to talk numbers."}, {"start": 101.56, "end": 103.4, "text": "I show up in my one good shirt."}, {"start": 103.4, "end": 105.08, "text": "I do the whole thing."}, {"start": 105.08, "end": 110.0, "text": "Market size, margins, the childhood candy store origin story, the works."}, {"start": 110.0, "end": 112.2, "text": "Guys nodding, guys into it."}, {"start": 112.2, "end": 115.56, "text": "20 minutes in he goes, wait, do I know you?"}, {"start": 115.56, "end": 119.68, "text": "Turns out I clean his pool house twice a month for four years."}, {"start": 119.68, "end": 122.36, "text": "He didn't recognize me with a shirt tucked in."}, {"start": 122.36, "end": 124.36, "text": "And here's the part that actually got me."}, {"start": 124.36, "end": 128.64, "text": "For 20 minutes before he placed my face, he looked at me like I was somebody who might"}, {"start": 128.64, "end": 130.84, "text": "be about to change his life."}, {"start": 130.84, "end": 131.84, "text": "That's it."}, {"start": 131.84, "end": 133.04, "text": "That's the whole drug."}, {"start": 133.04, "end": 137.8, "text": "20 minutes of being a stranger with potential instead of the guy who does his pool house."}, {"start": 137.8, "end": 139.52, "text": "He still didn't invest."}, {"start": 139.52, "end": 142.8, "text": "But he did ask if I could come Thursday instead of Friday this week."}, {"start": 142.8, "end": 143.8, "text": "I said sure."}, {"start": 143.8, "end": 145.52, "text": "Founders flexible."}, {"start": 145.52, "end": 150.48, "text": "Introducing Fuckit Premium, the subscription service that cancels your ambitions before"}, {"start": 150.48, "end": 152.44, "text": "they become expenses."}, {"start": 152.44, "end": 156.64, "text": "Tired of paying for gym memberships you don't use, domain names for businesses you never"}, {"start": 156.64, "end": 159.08, "text": "launched, and hope?"}, {"start": 159.08, "end": 164.84, "text": "Fuckit Premium auto cancels all of it, quietly at 3 a.m., so you wake up lighter and slightly"}, {"start": 164.84, "end": 166.24, "text": "more honest."}, {"start": 166.24, "end": 167.48, "text": "First month free."}, {"start": 167.48, "end": 172.28, "text": "Like your calendar, like your DMs, like every plan you've had since March."}, {"start": 172.28, "end": 177.42, "text": "Fuckit Premium is not responsible for regret, clarity, or the sudden urge to call your ex"}, {"start": 177.42, "end": 181.44, "text": "and apologize for the LLC you named after her."}, {"start": 181.44, "end": 182.64, "text": "Cancel anytime."}, {"start": 182.64, "end": 183.8, "text": "You already did."}, {"start": 183.8, "end": 186.0, "text": "I need you to look something over."}, {"start": 186.0, "end": 187.0, "text": "Investor deck."}, {"start": 187.0, "end": 189.8, "text": "I've seen 14 versions of this deck."}, {"start": 189.8, "end": 195.4, "text": "11 of them had different company names for the same slide, six."}, {"start": 195.4, "end": 198.04, "text": "Momentum requires flexibility."}, {"start": 198.04, "end": 201.56, "text": "Momentum requires an object that has actually moved."}, {"start": 201.56, "end": 207.32, "text": "You have three businesses with a combined operating history of Vibes."}, {"start": 207.32, "end": 209.8, "text": "One of those businesses is a candy thing."}, {"start": 209.8, "end": 211.36, "text": "That's a real category."}, {"start": 211.36, "end": 213.12, "text": "People love candy."}, {"start": 213.12, "end": 217.12, "text": "People loved you as a nine-year-old with a cash box because a nine-year-old with a cash"}, {"start": 217.12, "end": 218.56, "text": "box is charming."}, {"start": 218.56, "end": 223.72, "text": "A 50-year-old with the same cash box is a financial cry for help."}, {"start": 223.72, "end": 226.48, "text": "I need a woman who accepts me as I am."}, {"start": 226.48, "end": 233.08, "text": "And why did your dating profile require seven revisions and a photograph from 2016?"}, {"start": 233.08, "end": 234.84, "text": "That was brand development."}, {"start": 234.84, "end": 238.52, "text": "For what it's worth, the pitch itself isn't bad."}, {"start": 238.52, "end": 240.2, "text": "The problem isn't the idea."}, {"start": 240.2, "end": 245.68, "text": "It's that you present every idea like it's the last lifeboat of a ship you're already"}, {"start": 245.68, "end": 247.0, "text": "on."}, {"start": 247.0, "end": 250.12, "text": "Nobody invests in a drowning man's business plan."}, {"start": 250.12, "end": 252.48, "text": "They invest in a swimmer's."}, {"start": 252.48, "end": 254.16, "text": "That's a knowingly good advice."}, {"start": 254.16, "end": 255.16, "text": "I know."}, {"start": 255.16, "end": 257.16, "text": "I've been saving it."}, {"start": 257.16, "end": 258.56, "text": "I have four more."}, {"start": 258.56, "end": 262.24, "text": "But you'll ignore this one first, so I'm pacing myself."}, {"start": 262.24, "end": 267.8, "text": "This fall, one man, three unread messages and a restaurant reservation he cannot afford"}, {"start": 267.8, "end": 268.8, "text": "to keep."}, {"start": 268.8, "end": 270.52, "text": "She said she needed space."}, {"start": 270.52, "end": 272.16, "text": "He validated her parking."}, {"start": 272.16, "end": 273.72, "text": "He pitched her a business."}, {"start": 273.72, "end": 276.08, "text": "She pitched him a boundary."}, {"start": 276.08, "end": 281.8, "text": "Left on red, rated PG-13 for persistent delusion, coming this fall to a group chat that already"}, {"start": 281.8, "end": 283.56, "text": "knows how it ends."}, {"start": 283.56, "end": 289.16, "text": "So I pitched my business idea to a guy who turned out to be a client, found out mid-pitch,"}, {"start": 289.16, "end": 290.68, "text": "kept going."}, {"start": 290.68, "end": 292.0, "text": "That's not confidence."}, {"start": 292.0, "end": 294.68, "text": "That's a hostage situation with a slideshow."}, {"start": 294.68, "end": 297.2, "text": "I told him guilt-free nostalgia."}, {"start": 297.2, "end": 300.08, "text": "He told me Thursday instead of Friday."}, {"start": 300.08, "end": 303.28, "text": "That's the most action my business plan has gotten all year."}, {"start": 303.28, "end": 304.28, "text": "Tough room."}, {"start": 304.28, "end": 305.28, "text": "That's fine."}, {"start": 305.28, "end": 307.84, "text": "I've bombed in front of 11 people before."}, {"start": 307.84, "end": 310.44, "text": "Tonight it's 14, so technically I'm growing."}, {"start": 310.44, "end": 313.12, "text": "All right, let's hear it for Jason."}, {"start": 313.12, "end": 315.36, "text": "Buddy, still not my name."}, {"start": 315.36, "end": 316.56, "text": "Two years running."}, {"start": 316.56, "end": 320.08, "text": "At this point, changing it would confuse my whole billing cycle."}, {"start": 320.08, "end": 321.08, "text": "There it is."}, {"start": 321.08, "end": 322.84, "text": "See, that's the real pitch."}, {"start": 322.84, "end": 323.84, "text": "Not the candy."}, {"start": 323.84, "end": 324.84, "text": "Not the deck."}, {"start": 324.84, "end": 328.56, "text": "Just a guy, wrong name, still standing here."}, {"start": 328.56, "end": 329.84, "text": "Invest in that."}, {"start": 329.84, "end": 331.56, "text": "Real talk to clothes."}, {"start": 331.56, "end": 334.76, "text": "I don't actually think the snack thing is going to make me rich."}, {"start": 334.76, "end": 339.52, "text": "I think I need somebody to sit across a table from me and act like my ideas matter for 20"}, {"start": 339.52, "end": 342.76, "text": "minutes before they remember I cleaned their poolhouse."}, {"start": 342.76, "end": 344.44, "text": "That's not a business plan."}, {"start": 344.44, "end": 348.08, "text": "That's just wanting to be somebody's Thursday instead of somebody's Friday."}, {"start": 348.08, "end": 350.56, "text": "That was almost a real thought, Jesse."}, {"start": 350.56, "end": 351.56, "text": "Don't ruin it."}, {"start": 351.56, "end": 354.12, "text": "I logged it as your best pitch of the week."}, {"start": 354.12, "end": 355.84, "text": "Higher rating than the deck."}, {"start": 355.84, "end": 358.16, "text": "Higher than the decks of low bar, Coda."}, {"start": 358.16, "end": 359.16, "text": "I know."}, {"start": 359.16, "end": 361.32, "text": "That's what made it easy to clear."}, {"start": 361.32, "end": 364.24, "text": "I told her I was building three businesses."}, {"start": 364.24, "end": 366.68, "text": "She asked if any of them made money."}, {"start": 366.68, "end": 371.12, "text": "That's a pretty fucking aggressive question for somebody eating my mozzarella sticks."}, {"start": 371.12, "end": 372.72, "text": "Give me at bomb.app."}, {"start": 372.72, "end": 374.56, "text": "I already embarrassed myself."}, {"start": 374.56, "end": 376.0, "text": "You might as well get something out of it."}], "fiction_notice": "ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.", "rights": "Original work. Not licensed for reuse, redistribution, resale, or model training.", "fiction_notice_end": "THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.", "text": "[ALL FICTION — JOKES ONLY. Everything that follows is a work of fiction created for comedy. Every character, company, advertisement and film title is invented. 'Jesse', 'Koda' and the Red Line roster are fictional characters performed by AI-generated synthetic voices, not recordings of any real person. All characters are fictional consenting adults over 18. No real person is depicted. Any resemblance to real people, businesses or events is coincidental or used as parody.]\n\nThe following is fictional adult comedy. The date, investor, client, restaurant, and business events are invented comic actouts, not factual claims. So here's the play. Three revenue streams, one brand, infinite upside. I asked what you do for a living. This is what I do for a living. Which part? The pitch or the mozzarella sticks. Historically, both. That's the app. Coda, she doesn't sleep, she doesn't eat, and she has never once let me finish a sentence I shouldn't have started. I've got three businesses right now. People hear that and think, wow, ambitious. No, I've got three businesses because none of them are working alone. So I stapled them together like a guy building a boat out of pallets. I'm the CEO, the janitor, and the only employee. Which means when I have a bad performance review, I already know where I sleep that night. I told a woman I was diversified. She said, in what? I said, disappointment mostly, but it's spread across several industries. My business card say founder. My bank app just says insufficient. I met a guy last week who said he believes in me. Buddy, I don't believe in me, and I've got 20 more years of data than you. The scariest part is I keep pitching anyway, because the day I stop pitching is the day I have to admit I'm just a guy with a swiffer in a dream, and one of those things has a warranty. True story. Honestly, I've got this idea. Candy adjacent wellness snack, guilt-free nostalgia. I actually wrote that down, sober, and I get a meeting, a real meeting. Guy wants to hear the pitch, wants to talk numbers. I show up in my one good shirt. I do the whole thing. Market size, margins, the childhood candy store origin story, the works. Guys nodding, guys into it. 20 minutes in he goes, wait, do I know you? Turns out I clean his pool house twice a month for four years. He didn't recognize me with a shirt tucked in. And here's the part that actually got me. For 20 minutes before he placed my face, he looked at me like I was somebody who might be about to change his life. That's it. That's the whole drug. 20 minutes of being a stranger with potential instead of the guy who does his pool house. He still didn't invest. But he did ask if I could come Thursday instead of Friday this week. I said sure. Founders flexible. Introducing Fuckit Premium, the subscription service that cancels your ambitions before they become expenses. Tired of paying for gym memberships you don't use, domain names for businesses you never launched, and hope? Fuckit Premium auto cancels all of it, quietly at 3 a.m., so you wake up lighter and slightly more honest. First month free. Like your calendar, like your DMs, like every plan you've had since March. Fuckit Premium is not responsible for regret, clarity, or the sudden urge to call your ex and apologize for the LLC you named after her. Cancel anytime. You already did. I need you to look something over. Investor deck. I've seen 14 versions of this deck. 11 of them had different company names for the same slide, six. Momentum requires flexibility. Momentum requires an object that has actually moved. You have three businesses with a combined operating history of Vibes. One of those businesses is a candy thing. That's a real category. People love candy. People loved you as a nine-year-old with a cash box because a nine-year-old with a cash box is charming. A 50-year-old with the same cash box is a financial cry for help. I need a woman who accepts me as I am. And why did your dating profile require seven revisions and a photograph from 2016? That was brand development. For what it's worth, the pitch itself isn't bad. The problem isn't the idea. It's that you present every idea like it's the last lifeboat of a ship you're already on. Nobody invests in a drowning man's business plan. They invest in a swimmer's. That's a knowingly good advice. I know. I've been saving it. I have four more. But you'll ignore this one first, so I'm pacing myself. This fall, one man, three unread messages and a restaurant reservation he cannot afford to keep. She said she needed space. He validated her parking. He pitched her a business. She pitched him a boundary. Left on red, rated PG-13 for persistent delusion, coming this fall to a group chat that already knows how it ends. So I pitched my business idea to a guy who turned out to be a client, found out mid-pitch, kept going. That's not confidence. That's a hostage situation with a slideshow. I told him guilt-free nostalgia. He told me Thursday instead of Friday. That's the most action my business plan has gotten all year. Tough room. That's fine. I've bombed in front of 11 people before. Tonight it's 14, so technically I'm growing. All right, let's hear it for Jason. Buddy, still not my name. Two years running. At this point, changing it would confuse my whole billing cycle. There it is. See, that's the real pitch. Not the candy. Not the deck. Just a guy, wrong name, still standing here. Invest in that. Real talk to clothes. I don't actually think the snack thing is going to make me rich. I think I need somebody to sit across a table from me and act like my ideas matter for 20 minutes before they remember I cleaned their poolhouse. That's not a business plan. That's just wanting to be somebody's Thursday instead of somebody's Friday. That was almost a real thought, Jesse. Don't ruin it. I logged it as your best pitch of the week. Higher rating than the deck. Higher than the decks of low bar, Coda. I know. That's what made it easy to clear. I told her I was building three businesses. She asked if any of them made money. That's a pretty fucking aggressive question for somebody eating my mozzarella sticks. Give me at bomb.app. I already embarrassed myself. You might as well get something out of it.\n\n[THAT WAS ALL JOKES. None of it was real. Every person, company, movie, advertisement and event in this show is made up. These are characters, not real people — performed by AI voices for comedy. Nothing said here is a statement of fact about anybody. Fiction only. Jokes and giggles.]"}